Page 1 | Page 2 | Page 3 | Page 4
Ezra turned up for work in clothes that were loose-fitting and frankly unflattering. The undercover agent had also had his hair cut very short the previous day in preparation for his chemo. He may not lose his hair but he wanted to get used to having less in case he did."Hey, Ez. Looking good," Vin said as he smiled at the new hairstyle. "Suits ya."
"Well, I didn't do it through choice but thank you for your observation, Mr. Tanner. I feel rather like a hedgehog; all short and spiky."
The sharpshooter smiled at the description before handing over a book, which he had been clutching tightly in his hand. "I bought this for ya. I hope ya won't be offended by it but I thought it might make ya realize that yer cancer can be beaten."
Ezra took it and looked at the title; Champion's story. He turned it over and read the back description before looking up at Vin. "Thank you, Vin. I will set it as a task to read it thoroughly. I admit to thinking about this very person last night in bed. I know everyone thinks firstly of the combination of Lance Armstrong and testicular cancer, but Bob Champion was one of my childhood heroes."
"Tell me about him, Ez. I don't really know much about him, only that he was a jockey in the UK in the late 60's to early 80's."
"Well, you know they have that horserace over there called the Grand National with those huge fences to jump? Well, he won it after beating testicular cancer. The win was even more spectacular because the horse he was riding had nearly been put down because of a bad leg injury. It was a real fairy tale ending and I will always remember it. I was over in the UK with Maude and although I was very young we went to see the race and I've never seen anything like it. It made a real impression on me. It was very emotional, with an electric atmosphere and I will remember it 'til the day I d..." Ezra came to a sudden halt, realizing that dying might be a bit sooner than he'd been wanting. He looked up at Vin tearfully. "I'm sorry."
Vin reached out a hand and rubbed Ezra's back. "Nothing to apologize for, Ez. I didn't mean to upset you."
"You haven't and I will use this book as inspiration through the following months. It was a very kind thought, thank you, Vin," Ezra said as he gave the man a quick hug. "Least I wasn't semi-diagnosed by a vet like Mr. Champion was."
"A vet? Why didn't he go to a doctor?" the sharpshooter asked, mystified.
"He happened to be in bed with the vet at the time."
Vin laughed and patted Ezra's back gently.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra woke up on the day that heralded his first chemo session. Not that he'd slept much during the night. He hadn't been able to stop tossing and turning and he knew he'd kept Chris awake as a result.
"Sorry," he said as he saw Chris already up and dressed.
"What for?"
"Disturbing your sleep."
"Well, it was rather like sleeping with a whirlwind. I think I've had a finger of yours in nearly every facial orifice," Chris grinned, trying to jolly his lover along, sensing his fears. "And I won't even mention where yer feet have been."
Ezra laughed in response. "I do apologize. You should have ejected me onto the floor."
"Felt like it on occasion but it was kinda funny too. Anyway, how are ya feelin'?" the blond asked as he sat on the bed next to Ezra.
"Terrified and exhausted," Ezra admitted.
"Do you want something to eat?"
"Um...I s'pose I'd better but I feel as if it won't stay where it should for very long."
Chris smiled sadly. "What do you fancy?"
Ezra had a sudden thought and said quietly, "Last meal for the condemned man, isn't it?"
Chris's heart missed a beat as he heard the sorrow in Ezra's tone. "Oh, Ez, don't say that."
"Sorry. Just reminds me of someone facing the death sentence being given their favorite meal before they have their head chopped off." Ezra sighed and said, "Perhaps I'll just have some cereal and fruit. Better be healthy."
"Okay. You get up and I'll get it ready for you," Chris said as he watched Ezra roll out of bed and begin to get dressed.
After eating breakfast, the two men got ready and set off for the hospital. They checked in and Ezra was shown to his room and settled in bed.
"Do you want to stay?" the nurse asked Chris when she saw him hovering outside in the hallway.
"I'll come back in a minute. Ez said he'd like a bit of time to himself to start with. I'll just take a walk outside to get some fresh air and clear my head, I think."
Chris ambled outside, feeling his stomach doing somersaults. He found a seat, lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. He'd given up smoking months ago but in times of stress he still resorted to tobacco. He watched people going in and out of the hospital and wondered whether they were going for treatment or just visiting sick or injured loved ones. He stayed outside for half an hour before wandering back to see how Ezra was getting on. He passed by wards that contained patients suffering from various stages of cancer and he felt his heart stop as he realized just what Ezra faced in the near future. The blond would've given anything for his partner to be fit and well and not have to endure the coming months of uncertainty.
He reached Ezra's room and looked through the window. He saw that Ezra had a magazine open on his lap so the blond pushed through the door and sat beside his lover.
"Anything interesting?" he asked as he pointed to the reading material.
"I really couldn't say. Not quite in the right frame of mind for reading. After the first word, the rest of the page went fuzzy and that was that," Ezra replied as he closed the magazine and put it aside with a sigh.
"You feel okay?"
"I just can't relax or concentrate."
"I know, babe. I smoked my first cigarette for ages a minute ago. You'd think that would be the last thing I'd do seeing as the damned things cause cancer. Just couldn't help myself though."
"Hospitals tend to have that effect," Ezra said quietly.
Chris patted Ezra's hand and then ran his fingers through the man's hair from brow to nape of neck. He left his hand there on his partner's neck and tightened his grip momentarily in an attempt at comforting him. "Unfortunately being in here is something yer just gonna have to get used to if yer gonna get better."
"You're perfectly correct. I will just have to count the days until I can come home, won't I?"
Chris nodded and smiled encouragingly. "Yeah, but it's only five days and I'll be here every evening with you. However much I'd like to be here all the time, I know it just ain't possible," he said regretfully.
"No, you must try to keep to a routine and some semblance of normality to help you through this too, Christopher. Thank you for your promised visits though. You know I shall look forward to those immensely. How about a game of cards to keep my mind occupied right now?" Ezra asked with a smile that was tinged with sadness.
"Sure," Chris replied as he patted Ezra's shoulder.
For once the blond won and Ezra couldn't have cared less. The men talked and played cards for quite some time until the nurse arrived to start Ezra's treatment. Chris watched apprehensively as the drugs were set up and he then reached out and took hold of Ezra's hand.
"There you are, Ezra. I'll come in and check on you later but call if you need anything or feel sick," the nurse said as she smiled and made moves to leave the room.
"I will."
The two men sat silently, neither feeling like talking, each watching the slow drip-drip of the drugs into Ezra's body from where they hung on the IV tower beside the bed. The nurse came in every half an hour to see how Ezra was faring and to check on the drip. About five hours after the treatment began, Ezra felt the first inkling of the sickness to come. He began fidgeting and Chris could see him clenching his jaw constantly as he fiddled with the sheet with his free hand.
"Ez? What's up, babe?"
"Feel nauseous."
"Okay, don't fret. The nurse said she could give you something for it if need be. I'll call her if you want."
Ezra tightened his grip on Chris's hand so that the man couldn't leave. "Not yet. Don't want any other drugs. I can't face them right now, even if they're supposed to do me good."
"Alright, Ez," Chris said as he patted the back of Ezra's hand in comfort. "Just lay there and relax. You never know, the feeling may go of its own accord."
Ezra sat quietly for a while longer before he couldn't help vomiting. Chris, for himself, had been totally unprepared for the ferocity of it all. He watched helplessly as Ezra threw up continuously until there was nothing left for him to expel, but that still didn't mean the nightmare ended for his lover. The dark-haired man still retched and groaned as his body tried to rid itself of the drugs that were entering his system. Ezra couldn't understand how treatment that made him so sick could be doing him good at the same time by curing his disease. It seemed a very ham-fisted affair and after feeling so well before being diagnosed, it seemed even very unfair to have to suffer in this way.
Chris had called the nurse as soon as Ezra began vomiting and she started him on the anti-sickness drugs but even they seemed to have no instant effect. Finally the sickness did abate, but not before it had reduced Chris's partner to a trembling wreck.
The blond hadn't let go of his grip on Ezra's hand through the hours of his suffering, except when he'd gone to find the nurse. He tightened the grip once more as he leaned over and kissed Ezra's brow gently.
"Get some sleep if you can, baby. I'll stay here for a while longer and then I'll leave you in peace for the night."
Ezra smiled wearily and closed his eyes. Chris stroked the man's hair for a while and then sat back in his chair as he thought back over the day. Despite the nature of his thoughts, he fell asleep too and only stirred when he felt his shoulder being shaken gently.
"Chris?" a woman's voice called.
He opened his eyes and saw the nurse standing over him. "Is everything alright?" he asked as he sat up straight and ran a hand through his hair wearily.
"Yes, he's still asleep. Are you staying? If so, do you want something to eat?"
"No, thanks. I'd better go home, I s'pose. I'll just leave him a note, if you can make sure he sees it when he wakes."
"Sure. He'll probably sleep for quite some time after the effects of his sickness."
Chris found a piece of paper and a pen and wrote a quick note before standing it on the nightstand by the bed where Ezra would see it. He then leant over Ezra and kissed him once more before leaving the room quietly. He looked up and down the hallway and sighed as he leant back against the door.
"Pard?"
The blond jumped in fright and turned to see Buck standing beside him. Where the hell had he come from?
"Hey, Bucklin," the black-clad man mumbled.
"You okay, Chris?" the tall man asked worriedly when he saw how upset his friend appeared.
"No, no I'm not."
"How's Ez?"
"Asleep now but he vomited somethin' awful for ages earlier. It was dreadful to see it and there was nothing I could do to ease it," Chris said, unable to stifle a sob. "He really ain't up to visitors, Bucklin, and he asked that none of you guys come until he's feeling better. Hope you don't mind but he don't feel like making conversation and he's exhausted and don't want you seeing him like this."
"I understand, pard, but we're only a phone call away if either of you want us at any time. Tell him I came, even though I didn't get to see him, won't you?"
"Sure, I'll tell him. I appreciate you coming, but I hope you don't feel it was a wasted journey."
"Weren't wasted at all. Just wanted to show you both my support." Buck knew Chris needed him badly at this precise moment but he did manage a quick peek through the window at the slumbering undercover agent. "I'll let the others know about Ezra's wishes too, pard. And as for saying you couldn't do anything to help when he was sick; you did enough just by being with him today, pard." Buck studied his friend's face quietly. "Do ya wanna go somewhere and talk?"
"No, it's alright, Buck. I'd really just like to go home but I hate the thought of leaving him behind, though."
"I know, pard, but he's being well looked after." Buck put his arm round his oldest friend's shoulder and herded him away from the hospital.
"Thanks, Bucklin," Chris said as he reached his vehicle. "I'll see ya tomorrow at work. I'll come and see Ez at lunchtime and stay during the evening again."
"You sure you don't wanna be here all day?"
"Yeah, I need to keep occupied and I know Ez could do with something to look forward to each day. Hopefully thinking that I'm coming at a certain time each day will achieve that. If I'm there all day, he's got nothing different to make the time pass a bit quicker, but if he can tick off the hours until I turn up then that'll give him somethin' to aim for. That probably didn't make a lick of sense but I hope you got my meaning," Chris said as he smiled and patted Buck's back before climbing in the Ram and heading home.
On arrival, he heard the phone ringing so he walked straight through to the living room and answered it. It was Maude and the blond talked to her for hours about what had happened that day. He'd never really spoken to Maude properly before and he found he was changing his opinion of her. He was seeing a totally different side of her character and he wished she'd show it more often.
"How did Ezra get on today?" she asked.
"Well, he was okay to start with but then he was hit by some real bad sickness," Chris said before telling Maude everything that had happened.
The woman listened in silence as she thought back to Ezra's childhood. "He's my only child, Chris, and I know I haven't treated him well in the past. It's taken something as awful as this to make me come to my senses. I truly regret my previous actions. He must've hated me on occasion."
"He loves you, Maude, and he respects you immensely."
"Can't think why," the woman said quietly.
"Look, Maude. Who did he go to when he discovered he had cancer? He ran from me straight to you. He wouldn't have done that if he hated you, would he? As Josiah said, there are certain times when only a mother's touch can help. He trusted you at his most desperate time because he knew he could count on you, and you showed him your love then. You have nothing to prove to him, Maude."
"Thank you, Chris. That was very kind of you to say so. And I have another son now, don't I? I'm sorry if I've made you feel less than welcome in the past but I can see now just how much Ezra adores you. You are welcome in my house any time."
"Thanks, Maude. That means a lot to me."
Chris felt much better when he'd finished the call so he made his way up to bed and managed to get a few hours sleep.
Back at the hospital, Ezra woke and reached out for the note he saw on the nightstand. He opened it and read, Counting the days 'til yer home with me where you belong. One day down so only four to go. See ya tomorrow at lunchtime too, baby. Love you always and forever, Chris. He smiled and kept hold of the note as he fell asleep once more and dreamt of the blond man who had captured his heart.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra's treatment continued over the following days until finally the end of the first session arrived and Chris turned up to collect him to take him home. The blond hurried along to see his partner and smiled broadly as he entered the man's room to find him waiting patiently for him.
"Come on, Ez. Let's go home. You can sleep when ya get there if you feel like it. Hell, you can sleep in the Ram on the way," Chris said as he brushed Ezra's hair off his brow gently.
"Chris?" Ez asked tentatively as he stared up into those loving, green eyes. He really didn't know how his partner was going to react to his next request. He hated to change their plans so late in the day.
"Yes, babe? You okay?" Chris asked worriedly when he saw how pale the man looked.
"I don't think I can face the journey all the way out to the ranch. I can't describe how I feel but can we stay in town somewhere? Please Chris? Just tonight and we'll go home tomorrow."
Chris studied his partner carefully, seeing the doubt in the man's face. He smiled and ran his fingers through Ezra's hair, marveling at the softness of it. "Course we can, babe. We'll do whatever you want 'cause you're the only one who knows how yer feeling right now. I'll ring round and see who can have us."
The blond walked outside and phoned Nathan first but received no answer to his call. He knew Buck and JD didn't have room for them, and Josiah had his sister staying, so he didn't bother calling any of them. Even though Vin's apartment was small, he was the last resort, but a damned good last resort all the same.
Chris got an answer and sent a silent thank you up to Heaven while hoping that the man would be able to accommodate them. "Vin?"
"Hey, Chris. Are ya home?"
"We're still at the hospital, cowboy. Ez wants to stay in town overnight 'cause he's feeling....well, I don't know how he's feeling actually," the blond admitted with a shrug. "Can we come to you? No-one else is free to have us but say no if it ain't convenient and we'll book into a hotel."
"No, you won't. Course you can come and Ez can have my room, if you can make do on the couch."
"I'd sleep in the fridge as long as Ez is taken care of," Chris replied with a smile. "Thanks, Vin. Ez looks kinda pale and he don't often ask anything of me so I don't wanna say no now, although by the look on his face, I think he thought I might refuse him. We'll be round soon, cowboy."
He wandered back to see Ezra, relieved that he could give the man good news. He knew Ezra would've hated to book into a hotel in his current condition. "Ez? Vin's happy to have us. It'll be a bit of a squeeze but that don't matter as long as yer happy."
"Thank you, Chris," the dark-haired man replied gratefully. "It's just that the thought of traveling for miles is rather daunting. I'm sorry to mess you about."
"Don't apologize. I'm gonna do everything I can to make you comfortable. Don't ever feel that you can't ask anything of me."
Chris escorted Ezra down to the Ram and drove his lover round to Vin's apartment and helped him up the stairs.
"Hey, Ez," Vin greeted kindly with a smile as he opened the door and saw the strained-looking undercover agent. He put a hand on the man's arm and pulled him inside gently. "Do ya wanna go straight to bed?"
"No. I'll be fine on the couch for a while, if that's alright. I'm sorry to be such trouble but I feel truly dreadful."
"It's no trouble at all. Don't overdo it, okay? I'll make ya some of Nate's herbal tea 'cause it'll do ya good." Vin took the man slowly through to the living room as they talked and he kept a hand round Ezra's waist as well as a gentle grip on his arm. He headed toward the couch and turned the man round so that he could sit down.
Ezra sat down and lay his head back with a sigh as he closed his eyes. Chris sat beside him and Ezra moved, without even opening his eyes, so that he was leaning against his partner. The blond pulled him closer and when he looked down a while later he saw that the man was asleep. Chris leant down and kissed the top of Ezra's head and then lay his cheek where his lips had just touched.
Vin, meanwhile, disappeared to make the promised herbal brew and when he came back in, he put the drink on the table for his friend. He smiled at Chris and whispered, "He okay?"
"Yeah, just exhausted."
"Let me know when ya wanna put him to bed. I've changed the sheets all ready for him," Vin said as he sat down opposite his two friends.
"Thanks, cowboy. I'd just like to hold him for a bit, if that's alright, and he seems comfortable enough."
Ezra stirred and opened his eyes as he heard the two men talking. He'd felt Chris's voice more than heard it as he lay with his head against the man's chest.
"Do ya want yer drink, Ez? All freshly brewed."
"Yes, thank you, Mr. Tanner. How very kind."
Chris picked up the mug and handed it to Ezra as the man rubbed his eyes wearily. The undercover agent took a sip an
leant back against Chris again with a contented sigh.
"Okay?" the slender man asked.
The undercover agent held the mug between the palms of his hands and blew softly on the steaming liquid. "Yes, actually tastes nice for a change, unless the chemo is affecting my taste buds."
"Well, drink up and then we'll get you to bed. You've had a rough few days."
Ezra finished the tea slowly and then Chris took him along to Vin's room to settle him in.
"Take some pajamas from the closet, Chris," Vin called from the kitchen where he was getting Chris something to eat. "Forgot to put some out."
Ezra changed and climbed into bed and was asleep in a heartbeat. Chris left the door ajar so he could hear if Ezra called, and he then walked back to the living room. He sat down and ran his fingers through his hair as he groaned loudly.
"There ya go, Chris. Get that down ya," Vin said as he passed over a whiskey. "Thanks. God, I really need it. It's been a bit of a tough time recently." "I know it has and you've coped real well so far. Ez is lucky to have you."
"Yeah, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Long way to go yet, I reckon." Chris smiled sadly and drank down his whiskey slowly. He enjoyed the feeling of the warmth that spread throughout his body after each sip.
Vin got up and collected the food that he had prepared and placed it on the table between them. The two men stayed together, just talking and eating, for another couple of hours until Chris heard his name being called softly.
He rose quickly and hurried along to the bedroom. He pushed the door open a bit wider and poked his head into the room. "What's up, baby?"
"I feel sick."
"You gonna be sick?" Chris walked toward him after turning on the light quickly.
Ezra shrugged so Chris collected a bowl from the kitchen just in case.
"Can you stay with me?" the undercover agent asked quietly. The nausea that was caused by his treatment was what he hated the most and he found it truly frightening.
"Sure, babe."
Chris sat on the bed and took Ezra in his arms. Ezra settled for a while but his nausea was increasing and he eventually began fidgeting incessantly before finally throwing up. Chris had managed to grab the bowl in time and he supported his lover as he continued retching noisily.
Chris ran his hand over Ezra's brow and down his cheek as he whispered, "It's alright, Ez. I've got ya, babe."
Vin knocked and entered the room anxiously. "Anythin' I can do?"
"Can you make him some of Nate's ginger tea? That's good for nausea, I think. He had some of the anti-sickness pills at the hospital but they don't seem to do much good."
Vin nodded and went to make the drink. Nathan had given each of the men a supply of herbal drinks in case Ezra visited and wanted one. Vin boiled the kettle and poured the hot water over the bag and let it brew for a few minutes. When it looked a suitable color he removed the bag and took the drink carefully to the bedroom. He turned the mug round so that the handle was facing Ezra and the undercover agent took it from him with a weak smile. The sharpshooter made sure he had a good grip on it and then sat on the bed next to Chris.
Ezra sniffed the liquid and Chris snatched the mug from his hand quickly as he saw the effect it had on the man. The undercover agent bent double as he puked once more and groaned loudly. The blond rubbed the man's back gently and then pulled him against his chest to give him a hug.
"P'raps the drink weren't such a good idea after all," he said as he passed the mug back to Vin.
"Maybe have it later. Best not to sniff it, I reckon, if it's anything like Nate's other brews. Drink it down in one go so you don't taste it neither," Vin advised and Ezra smiled softly in reply. "I'll leave ya to it but call if you need anything else, Chris."
"Sure. Thanks, Vin."
Once Vin had gone, Chris leant back against the headboard with Ezra still cradled in his arms. He felt the man snuggle closer and Chris hoped the bout of sickness was over. He leant down and pulled the blanket up so that Ezra didn't get cold, and he then settled back once more. He looked down when he felt movement and saw Ezra reaching for the drink that Vin had left on the nightstand.
"Sure that's wise?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Anything's better than the vile taste in my mouth at the moment," Ezra said quietly. "If one doesn't make me sick, the other surely will so I've got nothing to lose except my stomach's contents, have I?"
Chris pulled Ezra up so that he could drink in comfort and then took the mug from the man's hand when he saw his eyelids drooping with fatigue. "Go to sleep, Ez. I'll be here all night."
"I love you, Chris."
The blond smiled and rubbed Ezra's back as he kissed the man's cheek gently. "And I you, babe."
+ + + + + + +
Four days later, back at the ranch, Chris found Ezra looking in the mirror. The man had his fist clenched as if he was holding something tightly.
"Ez? You coming downstairs for breakfast?" The blond received no answer. "Babe? You alright? What have you got in yer hand?"
Ezra still didn't answer so Chris walked over to him and looked at the reflection of Ezra's face in the looking-glass. He then took hold of the man's hand and pried open Ezra's fingers and found a ball of hair. He looked quickly at his partner and saw the distraught look on his face.
"Ez? You knew you'd lose it but it'll grow back after you've finished yer treatment."
"I know but....," Ezra mumbled before crying.
Chris took him in his arms and calmed the man as best he could. The blond himself had always been worried about going bald so he could understand how Ezra was currently feeling. He could see the sun glinting on Ezra's head and it highlighted the golden tints in the man's hair. Chris felt like crying too when such a beautiful feature was going to be lost, hopefully only for a short time, but maybe forever, if Ezra didn't beat the disease.
Ezra sniffed and wiped his nose on the back of his hands because he didn't have a handkerchief to hand. "Even though I had my hair cut short in preparation, it's still a terrible shock when it commences falling out by the handful. I found this lump on the pillow when I woke up and it was like something out of a horror movie. I don't quite know how to handle the fact that it is finally coming out. I'd really hoped that I wouldn't be affected in this way."
The undercover agent finally wriggled out of Chris's grasp and went to throw the hair away.
"No, Ez," Chris said as he reached out a hand.
The smaller man looked at Chris in confusion when the blond turned round and began looking in the closet again. The black-clad man reappeared after a couple of minutes with a locket in his hand. "This was my mother's. I always loved it but just never had anything to put in it before. Not that it's really a man's piece of jewelry."
Chris put it on and pulled the hair from Ezra's hand. He opened the locket and put a few of the strands under the cover and then looked up at Ezra and smiled. "Now I can have you next to my heart all the time, even when we're apart."
Ezra stared at the locket and then at the blond before smiling, "You could always have had a photo of me instead, Chris. Thank you for the gesture though." Ezra then looked round the room with a frown. "Now I just need to find some suitable headgear to hide my remaining hair under."
The blond dived back into the closet again and came out with something, which he kept hidden behind his back. "Which look would you like? Pirate, or 1930's British housewife?" Chris asked as he held up the spotted scarf and turned it to signify the different styles. The former had a knot at the back, and the latter with a knot at the front.
"Oh, pirate definitely. I think that's more my mark, don't you?" Ezra said as Chris tied the scarf over his lover's thinning hair and knotted it at the back.
The undercover agent studied himself in the mirror and smiled. "Just need a parrot, eye patch and an earring and I could be Long John Silver."
Chris grinned and patted his partner's back. "All set for work then? You sure you're okay to come in today? You still look tired."
Chris had stayed home with Ezra ever since his release from the hospital because the undercover agent had been unwell. Not actually vomiting, thankfully, but weak, tired and slightly nauseous. Ezra had suddenly begun to feel better the previous evening and had expressed a wish to return to work the following day. The blond had seen the slight change in his lover's demeanor and had been immensely relieved at his recovery. During that evening, Ezra had eaten his first real meal since leaving hospital, having survived solely on bowls of porridge and mugs, and mugs of herbal tea, which he seemed to have developed a real taste for.
Ezra nodded in reply to Chris's question. "Yes, I'm fine, but if need be I'll only stay half a day. We'll see how it goes, shall we? I just need a change of scenery and I don't really have to do any work when I get there, although a bit of activity would be welcomed. My brain is turning to mush, I think." Ezra smiled. "Just seeing Vin and the others will be very nice."
"Well, I could invite them out here if that's all you're going for."
"No. I want to work too."
Chris felt like saying no, but he couldn't refuse the eager look on Ezra's face. "Okay, but give me yell when you've had enough."
"Enough of what? Work, or Vin's company, do you mean?" Ezra asked with a grin.
Chris laughed and accompanied his partner out to the Ram.
The two men arrived at the office and Ezra sat down at his desk after being warmly greeted by his work-mates. None of them commented on his headgear, knowing he wouldn't want attention drawn to himself. Even though Ezra had only had one chemo session so far, his friends could see how it was affecting him and it finally hit them just how sick he really was. They asked after his health in a general way but didn't ask for details of his treatment. If Ezra wanted to talk about it then they would be happy to listen, but they weren't going to push him.
Ezra worked quietly and steadily for a couple of hours until lunchtime, but could feel tiredness overwhelming him. He switched his gaze from the computer and contented himself with dawdling on a piece of paper instead. He hadn't slept particularly well since his release and it was catching up with him now. He really hadn't been sure how the treatment would affect him because he knew that everyone reacted differently. He had to admit he found the sickness particularly hard to tolerate but he'd seen other patients who suffered much worse than he did. His nausea lasted for a few hours at a time after treatment, although the nauseous feeling was a constant feature. Now he'd been out of hospital for five days, the sick feeling had ceased and he suddenly felt much better: as if he had a new lease of life. He wondered how long it would last.
Chris came out of his office and said, "I've got a meeting to go to now with Travis. Should hopefully only take an hour or two." He smiled and winked at Ezra and left after receiving a reassuring nod from his lover.
The rest of the men decided to head out for lunch and Ezra accompanied them but didn't eat too much and talked hardly at all. They stayed out for an hour before making their way slowly back to work. Another hour passed by in relative quiet at the office before Buck looked over at Ezra to see how he was faring. The sick man was just staring into space with his chin supported in his hands while sitting as still as a statue.
"Ez?"
The undercover agent jumped slightly and looked round. "Yes, Mr. Wilmington?" Ezra asked as he tried to focus his eyes on the mustached agent.
"You okay?"
"Yes, sorry. Just hypnotized by my computer screen. Think I'm tired. Maybe I should have admitted defeat earlier and confessed to my fatigue."
Buck smiled. "Well you shouldn't push yerself 'cause you need yer rest, pard. I'll take you back to the loft and Chris can pick you up from there after work."
"Thank you. Better not fall asleep with my head on my keyboard or I'll get the imprint of the all the keys over my face for the rest of the day, won't I? Can't stand catching keyboard-itis at my time of life."
Buck laughed and the two men stood while Ezra said good-bye to the rest of his friends before heading down to the parking garage.
Chris came back into the office soon after and his eyes immediately moved to where Ezra's desk was. He frowned when he saw that Ezra was missing and his heart involuntarily skipped a beat. He hoped the man hadn't suffered a relapse after overexerting himself.
"Where's Ez?" he asked anxiously, feeling cold and shivery.
Vin looked up and smiled placatingly. "Don't panic, cowboy. Bucklin took him back to the loft for a rest. He kinda reached the end of his rope but he was in good spirits."
"He's all right though, ain't he?" the blond asked insistently with a frown.
"Yeah, he was just real tired and quiet."
Back at the loft, Buck settled Ezra on the couch and found him a pillow and a blanket. "Do you want me to stay, pard?"
"No, I'll be fine. I'll just sleep on the couch and I'm sure Chris won't be long."
Buck left him and arrived back at the office to find the blond hovering near his desk.
"Bucklin?" Chris asked as soon as he saw the tall agent return.
"He's fine, pard. He was asleep before I even left the room. He'll be okay until the end of the day and he promised to phone if he felt sick."
"Okay, I appreciate you taking care of him. I wasn't real happy about him coming in at all today but I can't lock him up. He's been right poorly over the last few days but then all of a sudden last night he said he was better. Just hope he don't try to run before he can walk, though."
"'Spect it's done him good to get out of the house, pard. Musta been getting cabin fever."
"Yeah, he's been irritable, now that you mention it."
"Bound to be, Chris," Nathan said.
"I think it's a side-effect of all that damned herbal tea of yours that he's been drinking. Sure there's somethin' intoxicating in it. He drinks it like a fish, so it must be alcoholic or else he wouldn't touch it," Chris said with a grin before heading back to his own office to finish up.
Several hours later, Chris, Buck and JD left the office together and arrived at the loft to find Ezra still fast asleep.
The blond squatted down in front of his lover and stroked his cheek softly. "Babe?"
"Chris?" Ezra mumbled as he opened his eyes and rubbed them with the heel of his hand.
"You okay to head home? Like to get there before it gets dark. You can sleep on the way if Buck can let ya borrow the blanket and pillow."
Ezra struggled upright. "Yes, I think I might. Thank you for the loan of your couch, gentlemen. I feel much refreshed."
"Yer welcome anytime, Ez. Feel free to take the blanket with ya."
+ + + + + + +
Ezra had been back in the hospital for his next chemo session for the past three days and Chris was immersing himself at work; or he had been until today.
Josiah walked down to the parking garage when the blond didn't appear upstairs or answer his cell. The profiler saw Chris sitting in the Ram, just staring into space.
"Chris?" Josiah said as he knocked on the window.
The blond jumped and turned in surprise before opening the window. "Hey, Josiah."
"Anything you wanna get off yer chest, son? Yer looking kinda preoccupied there."
Chris smiled awkwardly and nodded. Josiah walked round to the passenger side of the Ram and climbed in. He sat down and then turned sideways so that he was facing the blond.
"Talk to me, brother Chris."
The blond shrugged, unsure how to start. "I'm scared of what the future holds. I look at Ezra each day and I wonder if he's still gonna be with me this time next year. He's my soul mate, Josiah. I feel so lucky to have found him but now he might be snatched away from me. I s'pose I shouldn't be greedy 'cause I've already had one soul mate in Sarah, but I lost her too. What makes me think I should be allowed to be happy again? I shoulda just let Ez walk outta my life as he wanted to on that shitty day."
"No, he didn't want to leave ya, Chris. He was crying out for your help that day. He was scared shitless and didn't know what he was doing or where to turn, brother. He was thinking the same things you just told me, I 'spect. As you say, yer soul mates and you even think alike." Josiah then advised the man, "The only way yer gonna get through this is to take it one day at a time. It's no good wondering what's gonna happen 'cause you ain't got no control over this. One day at a time: take pleasure in each other's company and pray to the good Lord for his help. Yer already talking like Ezra's definitely gonna die, Chris."
"I need to prepare myself for that outcome," Chris admitted quietly.
"Yeah, but not so that you forget that he stands a real good chance of surviving. There's nothing like positive thoughts, Chris. A positive attitude can work wonders," Josiah said as he patted Chris's knee.
"I know, but it's so hard. When I'm at home on my own it's just like after Sarah died. It's so quiet."
"Maybe you need to move in with one of us when Ez is in the hospital. You know you'd be welcomed."
"Can't. Got the horses to see to," the blond replied stubbornly.
"One of us could stay with you on the ranch then," the profiler suggested as a compromise.
"I can't expect you to drop everything because of this. You've gotten yer own lives to lead," Chris disagreed.
"You and Ez are part of our lives and we wanna help. We care for you both very much."
"I know, Josiah, but you're helping more than you know already. Just knowing things at work are being taken care of is a weight off my mind, believe me. I can't ask any more of you," Chris replied.
"Yes, you can. Any time," Josiah stated, knowing that he had lost the argument for the time being.
"Thanks, Josiah. Come on. S'pose I'd better do some work now I've driven all the way here," Chris said as he stretched and climbed out of the vehicle.
Josiah accompanied the blond upstairs and realized he might have to get some help from someone else to get Chris to see sense. He vowed to speak to the person he had in mind very soon if the blond didn't start accepting help on a regular basis. Josiah knew that all the boys had offered their services to either care for Ezra, or provide company for Chris when he was on his own, but everyone had been politely turned down.