Out of the Blue
Out of the Blue
Notes: Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a long fic, of epic proportions even, and I really think that I have bitten off more than I can chew this time. I've tried to make it show friendship and support in times of crisis but am not sure if I've succeeded. It does deal with cancer coupled with a same-sex relationship so you may not wish to read any further. Sorry if that gives the game away but I don't want to upset anyone. Having just heard that one of my neighbors has died from cancer makes this story even more poignant, for me anyway. Rest in peace, Mary-Anne. My thoughts and prayers are with Gavin and Caroline.
I used the following superb website for my info and I hope I haven't got anything wrong. www.cancerhelp.org.uk. This fic takes a similar plot line to a story in the soap, Neighbors. Thanks to Brent Galster whose account of his treatment was very helpful too and I hope he didn't mind me using it for reference. It can be found on www.cancerguide.org. It is very humbling to read what patients have had to go through in the course of this disease and it makes me even more grateful that I keep so well. (I am feverishly touching wood as I write that, in the hope that that remains the case). I also used the book Champion's story by Bob Champion and Jonathan Powell, and after reading it, it makes the feat that he achieved even more unbelievable. (If you don't know him there will be a reference to his exploits in the story). Thanks also must go to Nancy for her feedback and encouragement but the fic it has changed quite a bit since she read it, so I hope I haven't now ruined it. Please do let me know what you think. I can't really say let me know if you enjoy it because of the subject matter but any comments (nice ones!) gratefully received.
Size: Approx. 165K
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The undercover agent undressed awkwardly in the dark and then fumbled about blindly for his pajamas. His fingers finally grasped them and he threaded his legs into each pant leg while hoping distractedly that he was putting them on the right way round. He sighed quietly as he looked at the sleeping man who was already occupying the king-size bed. The dark-haired man now wished that he'd decided to sleep on the couch downstairs because he really didn't want to face Chris at the moment. It had been hard enough coming home at all. Ezra pulled back the covers carefully and climbed into bed gently as he tried not to wake his slumbering lover. He didn't succeed.Chris stirred and groaned as soon as he felt the mattress shift slightly beneath him. "Hey babe," the blond mumbled sleepily as he opened his eyes owlishly.
"Hello Chris," the undercover agent replied, hoping that the blond would now go back to sleep.
"Been waiting for ya. Had something special planned."
"I apologize, but I had an appointment that couldn't be cancelled," Ezra said as he wriggled on the mattress in an attempt to get comfortable.
"Never mind. We can make up for it now."
Ezra felt Chris's hand caress his chest before moving softly down to his stomach, but he didn't allow it to travel any further. He reached out and grabbed the wandering appendage and said, "Not tonight, Chris. I'm not in the mood."
The blond came fully awake at that. He couldn't recall a single occasion when Ezra had refused him. Not that the man wasn't allowed to say no, but it unsettled the blond all the same. "Somethin' wrong?"
"No," Ezra replied a little too fast for Chris's liking. "It's late and I'm tired, but can you just hold me instead?"
Chris frowned. Ezra liked a cuddle once in a while but that was usually while they were downstairs on the couch or in bed after they'd made love. The blond certainly wasn't going to disobey his partner though, so he sighed and agreed. "Sure babe, if that's what you want."
The blond reached out his arm and Ezra moved so the side of his head rested against the blond's chest. The smaller man could hear Chris's heart beating under his ear and he found that very comforting. Chris put his hand on his partner's back when the man had finally made himself comfortable and the slender man ran his fingers up and down Ezra's spine lazily. He frowned when he felt the man tense up as he was touched though.
"Please just hold me, Chris. Nothing more," the dark-haired man pleaded quietly.
Chris sighed and stilled his hand but tightened his grip slightly on the man instead. He hadn't seen his lover much during the past week and he'd been looking forward to a bit of loving. Now that he thought back on the man's behavior over the past few days, he realized that he'd seemed depressed and distracted, and that fact worried him.
"Sure yer okay?" he asked again quietly into Ezra's hair as he drank in the man's wonderful aroma.
"Fine."
The two men lay silently intertwined and Ezra wished that Chris would go to sleep. He knew he should tell his partner everything but he didn't know how. He felt tears prick his eyes as he remembered the trauma of the past couple of weeks and he sniffed quietly. He'd coped on his own, too scared to tell Chris, but now it had reached the stage when he would have to and he dreaded it. A tear escaped his eye and he quickly captured it and wiped it away before it could fall. He felt his emotions slipping from their previously tight restraint and that one tear soon became a torrent.
Chris felt something wet on his chest and he opened his eyes again quickly. He looked down at Ezra and saw the man wipe his cheeks with a trembling hand.
"Ez? You cryin'?"
"No," came the shaky reply.
"Well, if you ain't I musta sprung a leak then."
The comment didn't raise a smile but instead resulted in a loud hiccup and a bout of crying and shaking from Ezra. Chris pulled him closer, wrapping his other arm round the man too, not understanding what had brought on the upset. All he wanted to do for his lover at the moment was comfort him. Slowly the sobbing lessened, so Chris ran his hand up and down Ezra's arm as he whispered into the man's hair to try and totally calm him down. "Wanna tell me what brought that on?" Chris asked tentatively when Ezra had quieted.
"No. Please just hold me. I'm only tired."
"Bullshit, Ez. You're always tired but it's never made ya cry before. Why won't you tell me what's wrong?"
"Just leave it, please," Ezra begged, sounding on the verge of tears again.
"Okay, okay, but we're talking in the morning, no matter what, Ez." Chris leant down and kissed his lover's head before laying back and just holding his partner tenderly as requested.
+ + + + + + +
Chris woke and saw that he was the sole occupant of the bed. He got up quickly and went downstairs and was just in time to see Ezra heading for the door, suitcase in hand.
"Ez? Wait right there," he yelled desperately as he hurried forward and grabbed the suitcase's handle. "Where ya goin'? We were gonna talk, remember?"
"Nothing to talk about."
"Like hell there ain't. Tell me what's wrong, dammit," Chris shouted, even though he knew that anger would only drive Ezra further away. He couldn't help himself, though, because he knew he was losing the man he loved.
"I don't love you anymore," Ezra yelled with tears streaming down his cheeks.
Chris stood still with his mouth hanging open in shock. That was well out of left field. Where the hell had that come from? Ezra had never done anything but profess his love before and Chris was totally knocked sideways by the comment.
"Ez? You don't mean that," he stuttered quietly.
"Yes, I do," the man replied although he wouldn't look at Chris as he said it. The despair that Ezra had heard in his lover's voice was nearly his undoing. He very nearly turned round to take the man in his arms, but he stopped himself at the last minute. He had to stick to what he'd decided. It's for his own good, he told himself unconvincingly. He tried to pull away from Chris's grasp as he said, "Please let me go. I can't stay here any more."
"Why? What have I done? Have I hurt you in some way?" Chris asked, still desperately hanging on to the suitcase.
"No. It's not you, it's me."
"Please don't leave," Chris pleaded. He couldn't understand what was happening and he understood even less when Ezra spoke again.
"I have to. I love someone else." Ezra yanked the suitcase from Chris's hand and pulled the door open.
"What about yer job?" Chris said, knowing it sounded a stupid question in the circumstances.
"I quit."
"Ez, please," Chris mumbled. He knew Ezra was lying through his back teeth when he said that he loved someone else, but he couldn't work out why Ezra would say such a thing.
The undercover agent didn't even look at him as he walked out and closed the door behind him.
Chris heard the Jag's motor start and he listened in despair as the vehicle drove his lover out of his life. Why did I just let him go like that? I shoulda fought for him but I was dumbstruck by what he said, and now I've lost him.
+ + + + + + +
The blond was still standing in the same place when Vin arrived. The sharpshooter entered through the kitchen and frowned when he saw his boss standing in the hallway in just his pajama bottoms, looking shell-shocked.
"Chris? You okay?"
"He's left me," Chris muttered, sounding devastated. He could quite easily have collapsed in a heap; a gibbering wreck.
"What?" Vin asked as he stepped forward quickly.
"Ezra's left me," the man replied in disbelief.
"Did he say why?"
"He says he doesn't love me any more. He loves someone else. Oh God, Vin. I've lost him," the blond sobbed as he finally broke down.
Vin took the man in his arms and rubbed his back. The sharpshooter had quite often wondered how long the relationship was going to last. Chris being so volatile and Ezra so insecure didn't make for an easy match and Vin had known it would only have been a matter of time until something like this had happened.
"Come on, Chris. You know Ez can be a bit erratic in his behavior sometimes. He'll come back all apologetic later on, you'll see," the long-haired man said, although he knew he was talking nonsense.
Chris replied haltingly, "No, this is different. I can feel it. He's lying when he says he doesn't love me. Something's wrong. Really wrong. Where would he go, anyway?"
"I don't know, Chris. Let me call the others and we can go out and look for him." Vin took off his jacket and put it round the man's shoulders after feeling how cold he was. He wondered just how long the blond had been standing there in a state of shock. Vin gently escorted Chris to the kitchen and sat him at the table before readjusting the jacket over his friend's shoulders so that it didn't fall off. The long-haired man then walked outside into the yard so that he could talk privately.
Chris, meanwhile, just stared into the distance and trembled nonstop as he thought of Ezra.
Vin called Buck first; Chris's ever reliable friend. "Bucklin? We need to look for Ez."
"Why?" Buck asked, sounding half-asleep.
"He's left Chris and we're pretty worried about him."
The ladies' man snapped to full attention. "Jeez. How's Chris?"
"Real upset."
"Okay, I'll contact the others and we'll come out to the ranch."
The four other men turned up an hour later and found Chris still sitting in the kitchen staring at the mug of coffee in front of him. Vin had given up trying to placate the man, knowing his words sounded hollow: that is if Chris had even heard what was being said to him in the first place. The slender, blond man had become very introverted as he went over and over in his mind what had happened that morning. He tried to guess the real reason for his lover's desertion but his thoughts came nowhere near the truth.
Buck sat beside Chris and patted his oldest friend's back gently. "I'm real sorry, Chris. Where do you want us to look first?"
"I don't know, Bucklin. I can't think," Chris whispered.
"Well, we'll check some of the places he frequents. He might be drowning his sorrows somewhere, pard."
After spending all day searching the area near the ranch and the bars of Denver, they met up again at the ranch empty-handed.
"Where the hell could he be?" Chris asked tearfully.
"What happened exactly, Chris?" Nathan asked, realizing that they hadn't been told the whole story yet.
Chris talked haltingly, with the occasional sob. "He said he didn't love me. Said he loved someone else. He came in real late last night and just kept asking me to hold him. I asked what was wrong but he said he was alright but then started crying for no reason. I can't remember the last time he cried," Chris said quietly before shrugging. "I said we'd talk this morning but he was already up and was just gonna leave without a word. We yelled at each other a bit and he left, but I just don't know what brought it all on. He's been real clingy lately though, which ain't like him at all. He's been distracted and a bit depressed, I s'pose, but I ain't seen much of him this week. P'raps he's been avoiding me on purpose."
"Can't see that, Chris."
"Maybe he's gone home," Josiah suggested with a shrug.
"This is his home," Chris snapped angrily as he looked up at the much taller man.
"I meant to Maude's," Josiah said quietly. "If he's been clingy, p'raps he felt the need of his mother's touch for some reason. Sometimes a parent is the only person who can really help in particular circumstances."
Chris stared at him as he realized what the older man meant. He pulled out his cell and punched in Maude's number anxiously. "Maude? It's Chris. Is Ezra there?"
"Yes, he is but he doesn't want to talk to you."
"Why? What have I done?"
"Look, Mr. Larabee, Chris, I can't tell you what's going on. It's up to Ezra to tell you if he feels the need."
"Is he sick?" the blond asked in trepidation as he flicked a worried look up at the profiler.
Maude hesitated momentarily and Chris's heart jumped in anguish.
"No, he's fine," she said but Chris knew she was lying.
He put down the phone and stated, "I'm going to Maude's."
"What did she say? Is he sick?" Nathan asked.
"She says no, but she's lyin'."
"Chris, don't go barreling up there 'cause you might make matters ten-times worse. You should wait until Ezra comes to you," Josiah advised.
"He won't. I can't live with not knowing exactly why he left me." Chris picked up the phone again and called to arrange a flight and he was lucky enough to get a seat that evening.
+ + + + + + +
Although it was late when Chris arrived, he went straight to Maude's house. He knocked on the door impatiently and it was opened by Ezra's formidable mother.
"Maude, I need to see Ezra, now," he stated firmly.
"Mr. Larabee, please. He doesn't wish to see you so I'm afraid that you've wasted your time and money coming up here."
"I'll camp out on the doorstop until you let me see him," Chris said sternly as he stood his ground and put his backpack down.
"I'm sorry, Chris," Maude said as she shut the door.
Chris could tell by her face that she was in turmoil so he sat down and waited, just as he'd threatened to do.
Inside, Maude walked back to the living room. She wanted to obey Ezra's wishes but she knew her son needed Chris's love and support more than ever through the coming months.
She looked at her son sadly. "He's gonna stay there until you agree to see him, darlin'. Don't you think you owe him the truth?"
"I can't. It would destroy him and I can't expect him to cope with it. I can't cope with it," Ezra said as he started crying for the umpteenth time that day.
Maude moved to stand in front of Ezra before reaching out to lift his chin so that she could see his face properly. "Isn't that for him to decide? You still love him, don't you?" the woman asked as she enveloped him in her arms.
"With all my heart," Ezra sobbed quietly.
"Tell him what's wrong and you might be surprised by his reaction, sweetheart. You can't just cut him out of your life like this. It's not fair on him 'cause he thinks he's done something wrong," Maude said as she rubbed her son's back tenderly before releasing him.
Ezra wiped a hand over his face. He really wanted to confide in his lover but he was also terrified of losing him. He'd felt that it was easier in the long run if he was the one to break things off. He looked at his mother and she smiled encouragingly at him, knowing what was going through his mind.
When her son dropped his gaze, Maude reached out and lifted his chin with one finger so that their eyes met once more. "Ask him in, darlin'. I'll go out and give you some space but make sure you tell him, or I will."
Ezra stood up and went to the door. He opened it and walked back to the living room without saying a word to his partner. Chris turned as he heard the door being unlocked and he stood rapidly. He looked inside and saw Ezra walking away so he tentatively stepped inside, but stopped when he saw Maude coming toward him. He expected to be thrown out but was relieved when the woman invited him in instead.
"Go on in, Chris. I'll leave you to sort things out but please be gentle with him. He's very fragile at present for reasons he will hopefully tell you."
Chris nodded and went into the living room but hovered in the doorway as he saw Ezra looking out the window with his back toward him.
"Ez?"
"Take a seat, Chris. There's something I have to tell you," the smaller man said without looking at him.
Chris walked in and sat on the edge of the couch feeling awkward, and that was not a state that he was used to. He'd never felt anything but at ease in his lover's company before. Ezra eventually turned and sat beside him. Close beside him too and Chris didn't quite know what to do. Should he touch his lover or let him be? Ezra reached out a hand and laid it on Chris's thigh, so with his lover making first contact, the blond felt comfortable enough to put his arm round the man's shoulder in response. He could see his lover had recently been crying and the blond developed a lump in his own throat as he wondered what was wrong. He could feel the man shivering mightily under his hand and Chris frowned nervously.
When Ezra didn't speak, Chris asked quietly, "What's up, Ez? I thought we could talk about anything."
"So did I, but this is so difficult. It's...I've..," the dark-haired man stuttered helplessly.
"Take yer time, babe."
Ezra flinched as he heard the term of affection but he reached out and grabbed Chris's hand in his. The blond looked down and frowned when he felt the intensity of the grasp.
"Ez? Please tell me. You're scarin' me."
"I had some tests done at the hospital recently," Ezra stammered.
Chris's heart started pounding. Ezra said no more, so the blond tightened his grip on Ezra's hand in an attempt at encouragement, but he was totally unprepared for what the younger man said next.
"The tests were for cancer. I've got cancer," Ezra whispered in trepidation as he felt his eyes brimming with unshed tears again.
Chris could almost feel the blood run out of his face. He couldn't seem to catch his breath and he stared at his younger lover in something close to horror. He just couldn't get his head round what he'd just been told.
"Oh, Ezra. Jesus, babe. Why the hell didn't you tell me? Did you go to the hospital on yer own?"
"Yes and I was just totally shocked at the results. I'd been feeling so well that I couldn't believe what the doctor was telling me. Not that I heard much after he said cancer."
"You should have told me. You shouldn't have faced this alone," Chris said, suddenly angry. Why my lover? He's so young. What's he done to deserve this? he asked himself forlornly.
Ezra stood up as he heard the rebuke in Chris's voice and tried to walk away but Chris rose too and turned the man toward him gently. The look on his lover's face resembled that of a whipped dog so Chris immediately softened his tone.
"Why did you leave me? Did you think I wouldn't stand by you?" he asked gently.
Ezra shrugged and nodded slightly, unsure of his partner's mood. "You lost your wife and son and I didn't want to put you through losing me too."
Chris placed a hand on either side of Ezra's face and looked at him seriously. "Who says yer gonna die?"
"There's always that chance, Chris."
"No, Ez. You're gonna beat this." Chris then realized that he hadn't asked one particular question, which might actually tell him his partner's chances of survival. "Where is your cancer, babe?"
Ezra squirmed and whispered, "It's testicular cancer. I'm gonna lose one of my balls, Chris." The smaller man began crying as he bowed his head in embarrassment, still unable to come to terms with the diagnosis.
"Oh, baby," Chris said as he felt his heart breaking. He pulled Ezra into his arms and held the distraught man tightly against his chest as the man continued trembling nonstop. "I'm gonna be with you through this, all the way. No matter the prognosis, I ain't gonna leave you. You hear me?"
"I won't be whole." Ezra paused before starting again. "I won't be a whole man again. Will you still love me when I lose my...?" Ezra asked, unable to say it again.
"Yeah, even then. It's you I love, Ez. Your personality, your kindness, your beauty. I will always love you, Ezra, no matter what."
Ezra tightened his grip on his lover as he heard the sincerity in the man's tone. "I'm sorry, Chris."
"Don't apologize. I can understand you being worried about telling me but just let me help you through this." The blond rubbed Ezra's back before getting hold of the man's arms and pulling him away so that he could look at him properly. "What ya gonna do about the rest of the guys? They were all out looking for you today so we need to tell them something."
Ezra shrugged. "I'll tell them the truth. Can't do anything else now, can I? If I lose my hair they're not gonna believe I shaved it off deliberately, are they? I'm gonna need a lot of time off work and they'll wonder why, if I don't tell them."
The blond ran a tender hand down the length of Ezra's arm, completing the move by clutching Ezra's hand and squeezing it. "Okay, Ez. It's probably best in the long run. I'll just call Vin and tell him that I've talked to you but I won't give him any details. I'll say we'll head home tomorrow, shall I?" Chris said with a questioning look, and Ezra nodded in agreement.
Maude returned at that moment and knocked on the door. "Can I come in?"
"Yes, I've told him everything and I'll go home with Chris tomorrow," Ezra informed his much-relieved mother.
"Wonderful." Maude had at first been upset when her son had told her that he preferred men to women but now she could see how happy Chris made him, and that was all a mother could ask for.
"I'll book into a hotel tonight and pick you up tomorrow then, babe," Chris said as he kissed his lover and then smiled at Maude before moving to the door.
"No, you will not," Maude replied as she caught hold of his arm to prevent him leaving. "You are welcome to stay here tonight."
Ezra looked at his mother in astonishment because she'd never let Chris stay before. "On the couch?" he asked.
Maude shook her head firmly as she turned to face her son. "No, in my bed with you, darlin'. I'll sleep in your room."
"Thank you, Mother. I appreciate it," the stunned man replied as he kissed her tenderly.
+ + + + + + +
The two men arrived back at the ranch to find the rest of the men already there waiting for them. Ezra suddenly had second thoughts when he saw them and became very quiet and nervous. Chris sensed his trepidation so took hold of his hand and squeezed it comfortingly. Ezra sat in the most comfortable chair and Chris perched on the arm and put his hand on Ezra's shoulder. The sick man cleared his throat and flicked a look at the circle of friends in front of him as he leant a bit harder against Chris in the hope of getting some confidence from him. The blond looked down at him and then patted his back in encouragement.
Ezra wasn't sure how to break the news so he just blurted out, "I've got cancer. Testicular cancer."
He felt Chris put his arm all the way round his shoulders and pull him toward him when his voice cracked. The undercover agent heard the men mumble their apologies but he found he couldn't look at them.
"Yer gonna beat it though, ain't ya, Ez?" Chris said as he rubbed Ezra's back lightly when he felt the man tremble.
Ezra just smiled uncertainly in reply.
"Lance Armstrong and a French rugby player beat it, Ez. They're back at the top of their sports again," Josiah put in quietly.
"Well, you've got all our support, Ez. If Chris can't go to the hospital with you at any time, one of us will go instead. You don't have to cope with this alone, Ez." Nathan said kindly, seeing the fear in Ezra's face.
Ezra smiled nervously. "Thank you, Mr. Jackson. I'm sorry I caused such problems but I was finding it all a bit overwhelming. It's my own fault. I'd known for a while what was possibly wrong but I couldn't get the courage to confide in Chris. I was in denial, I s'pose."
"Well, you've told me now and that's all that matters. Things are gonna be tough but we'll get through it together," Chris promised.
"You having chemo?" JD asked quietly, shocked at the news of his friend's ailment.
"Maybe, but I've got to have surgery first to remove my tes...well, you know," Ezra said as he shrugged in embarrassment. "Only when that's been done can they say what treatment I'll need. That's the only real way to confirm that it's cancer but they wouldn't operate unless they were pretty sure I was suffering from it. The blood tests already point pretty firmly to cancer 'cause I've got slightly raised markers, whatever that means. Having the surgery is the first part of the treatment and I admit to be being terrified about the whole thing."
"Well, there's some herbal things I can give you to help with some of the symptoms if you do need chemo," Nathan offered, making a mental note of what he would need to stock up on.
"Thank you. That is most kind."
"Okay, guys. Let's leave Chris and Ez alone but call us if you need anything, fellas," Buck said as he stood up and patted Ezra's shoulder.
"Thanks, Bucklin. Nate, could you stay a bit longer? I've got some questions," Chris said before the medic could leave.
"Sure I can. Ask whatever ya like."
The rest of the men left and Nathan took a seat opposite Ezra and Chris, who now sat intertwined on the couch.
"What would you like to know? Bear in mind though that I can only speak broadly."
Chris nodded and asked, "Why hasn't he felt sick? Surely if he's gotten cancer he shoulda felt somethin'. I ain't noticed any change in him and he says he's never felt better."
"That's one of the traits of testicular cancer. Sufferers feel very well in themselves and that's why it is so hard to believe how sick they are."
"I just can't take in what's happening," the blond said quietly. He looked up as he felt his hand being squeezed and he smiled at Ezra when he saw the look on his face. "Sorry, babe."
"No apology necessary. Mr. Jackson has described things perfectly and I know how shocked you were when I told you what was wrong. Life stinks, I'm afraid."
"Yeah, well, we're gonna kick life's ass and get through this," Chris said in determination.
Ezra smiled before turning back to Nathan. "Will I still be capable of..., you know?" Ezra asked as he wriggled.
"Yeah, sure you will. You'll still have a full love life."
"That's a relief."
Chris fixed the medic with a serious stare. "What are his chances, Nate?"
"As I said, I can't be specific but there's a pretty good survival rate with testicular cancer. It all depends on whether the cancer has spread but even then in some cases it can still be totally cured. They base the figures on how many people are still alive five years after the treatment and it can be as high as ninety percent."
Five years somehow didn't sound all that long to Chris, but it was better than nothing. By the look on Ezra's face, the figure hadn't been all that comforting either, despite the high percentage quoted. Neither man could help wondering whether Ezra would be one of the unlucky ten percent.
The undercover agent sighed and spoke of another fear he had. "I'm scared of having surgery. Not the surgery itself, but the results. As I said to Chris, I won't be whole again," Ezra mumbled softly.
Nathan patted Ezra's knee in understanding. "You're only having one removed and you can have a prosthetic replacement when you have surgery. The specialist will tell you all about it, I expect."
Ezra screwed his face up. "It's not natural and I don't know if I want that. It wouldn't feel right."
"Why not? You'd have false teeth rather than bare gums, wouldn't you? Hell, you've already got a gold tooth, where's the difference? That ain't natural either," Chris pointed out reasonably.
Ezra couldn't help laughing when he realized the truth in his lover's words. "Maybe you're right. I'd still look whole even if I didn't feel it."
+ + + + + + +
Chris sat anxiously in the hospital waiting room with Nathan on the day of Ezra's operation. He couldn't sit still though, so after only a few minutes he rose and stood staring out the window with his hands in his pockets. He shifted continually from foot to foot before growling in frustration.
"Come on, Chris. He'll be okay. He's a tough kid," Nathan said, trying to keep the man calm but knowing it was as hopeless a task as stopping an avalanche.
The blond turned toward the medic and scowled. "That's just it, Nate. He's only a kid. He's so young; too young to be facing this sorta thing," Chris replied angrily.
"I know, but this type of cancer strikes the younger man."
Chris had no chance to take the conversation further. A nurse appeared in the doorway and smiled encouragingly at him.
"Mr. Larabee? You can sit with your friend now. He's out of recovery."
The blond flicked a quick look at Nathan before hurrying along to Ezra's room on his own. He took a deep breath before putting his hand on the door handle and pushing it open slowly. He wandered over to the bed and smiled at the sleepy man that occupied it.
"Hey, Ez," he greeted as he kissed the man gently and held his hand. "Feel okay?"
"Don't feel anything at the moment," Ezra mumbled drowsily, unable to focus his eyes properly on the blond. He blinked in an attempt at clearing his vision but felt as if he was going to lose consciousness instead.
Chris saw his partner's reaction and said, "Get some rest and I'll be here when you wake again."
Ezra closed his eyes and Chris took a seat beside him, still keeping a firm grip on his hand.
The undercover agent woke a few hours later and saw that the blond had kept his promise. "Chris?"
Chris smiled in welcome. He'd been watching his lover sleep and he drank in Ezra's features, as if trying to imprint them on his mind for all time, in case his worst fears came to fruition. "Hello again. Feeling better?"
"Sore," Ezra admitted quietly.
"Well, that's to be expected, babe," Chris said as he ran his hand gently through Ezra's hair.
"How long do I have to stay here?"
Chris knew that Ezra had already been told but he repeated it again. "Several days. They'll see how you are but they're pleased with the way the surgery went. Before they discharge you they'll arrange yer next appointment so they can tell you about yer treatment."
Tears suddenly appeared in Ezra's eyes and Chris realized that the man hadn't remembered what had been done to him until now.
"Don't cry, Ez. Please don't cry," he begged.
Ezra couldn't stop though. He'd lost all control because of the drugs he'd been given. Chris held Ezra's hand and ran his fingers continuously through the man's hair as he whispered to him until he had calmed and fallen asleep again.
Chris sighed and went out into the hallway and saw Nathan still in the waiting room. "You didn't have to stay, Nate," the blond said as he went to join him.
"How is he?" the medic asked.
"Just cried himself to sleep. He hadn't remembered why he was here," Chris said as he stood facing the wall with his brow touching it.
Nathan studied him critically. "He's gonna be real emotional through this, Chris. He ain't gonna be able to help himself."
"Yeah, I know. Knew that from day one," the blond admitted as he took a seat beside his friend and laid his head back and closed his eyes. The days of Ezra's treatment stretched before them and Chris really didn't know how either of them was going to cope.
+ + + + + + +
The undercover agent was finally released from the hospital and Chris drove him back to the ranch. He escorted the man into the living room and made him comfortable before disappearing to the kitchen. Ezra sat on the couch shifting slightly as his groin protested at the recent movement. Chris came in and sat beside him and passed over a mug of steaming tea.
"Feel okay?" the blond asked when he saw the pinched look on his partner's face.
"Yes, thanks," Ezra said as he grimaced.
"Are you in pain?"
Ezra shrugged and wouldn't look at Chris.
"Ez? Be truthful."
"Sore more than painful," the dark-haired man admitted.
"Well, have one of your pills. No good being a martyr." Chris handed over the medication and watched Ezra swallow two. The blond studied his partner for a minute or two and then asked, "What do ya wanna do about sleeping arrangements? Would you be happier on yer own at the moment?"
Ezra looked at him in anguish thinking that this was the beginning of rejection. He was left speechless and Chris realized that his words had elicited the wrong effect.
The blond reached out a gentle hand and placed it on the side of his partner's face. "Ez? I wasn't saying I didn't want to sleep with you. I just don't wanna hurt you accidentally. I could catch you with my knee or something."
"I want you with me," Ezra said quietly, still not sure if Chris was being sincere. He searched the man's face for any sign of an untruth but couldn't find any, and Chris's response bolstered his confidence a bit more.
"Great. There's nowhere I'd rather be, babe. Tell me when yer ready and we'll go up together."
"I'll just finish my drink," Ezra said as he took a quick sip.
The two men then made their way upstairs slowly and Ezra was careful to keep his back toward Chris while carefully undressing.
"You okay, Ez? Need any help?" Chris asked when he looked over at the younger man and saw him wobbling on one leg.
"I'm fine," Ezra said quickly as he flicked a glance over his shoulder to see where Chris was.
Chris waited until Ezra had looked away again before moving round quietly until he loomed up in front of Ezra. The undercover agent gasped and tried to turn away.
"Ez? You only ever gonna let me see yer back view, babe?"
Ezra grimaced, looking tearful. "I don't feel comfortable with my body at the moment. Perhaps when I am I won't feel so uneasy with you seeing me."
"I can understand that, Ez. Just don't shut me out."
"I'm trying not to, but I feel different. I used to be so confident with the way I looked, but now I've lost a body part that made me a man. It's still so hard to accept and adjust to. I know I still look the same, but I feel that everyone will know what's changed just by looking at me. It's a very odd feeling."
Chris cupped Ezra's face in both hands. "Ezra, look at me," he ordered quietly.
The green eyes raised eventually and looked back at Chris unblinkingly. "I know it's hard, Ez. I can't imagine how yer feeling but it's no good hiding away. That'll just increase yer fears and it'll be even harder for you to be comfortable with your body. It's only ever gonna be me who'll see ya like this when this is all over. As I told you before, it's you I love, with or without all yer bits and pieces. You think that when I look at you now I will be put off by what I see, well, I'm not, okay? You look the same as always. I love you, wrinkles and all."
Ezra stayed silent as he stared back at Chris. "I haven't got any wrinkles," he answered slightly defiantly and with a hint of a smile.
The blond smiled back. "Come on. Let's go to bed 'cause I'm getting goose bumps," Chris said as he kissed the man lightly.
They climbed in and Ezra moved so that he could lie against Chris. He winced and groaned a bit at the pain but finally settled.
"Okay?"
"Yes, thank you. Pain just catches me once in a while if I move quickly."
"You comfy now?"
"Yes, you make a very nice pillow," Ezra said as he snuggled closer and reached his arm round Chris's waist.
"Glad I have my uses. You sure make a great hot water bottle too 'cause I'm as warm as toast now. See you in the morning, babe."
Chris watched Ezra fall asleep but he stayed awake just taking pleasure in holding the man he adored. He didn't want the night to end.
+ + + + + + +
The two men traveled back to the hospital the following week to get Ezra's test results. They sat anxiously in the specialist's room and Chris finally reached out and gripped Ezra's hand when he saw how tense he was.
The doctor eventually came in and sat opposite them. "Well, with all the tests we've carried out, before and after surgery, I have to tell you that we've found that your cancer has spread. We've found some further small lumps in your abdomen and chest."
"His lungs?" Chris asked worriedly.
"No. In the area between them. This type of cancer tends to spread to lymph nodes although it can spread to the lungs too. Your particular cancer is classified as Stage 3. We'll start you off with chemo and if the lumps don't get smaller we will try radiotherapy."
"Is Stage 3 bad?"
"Well, it's only one down from the worst scenario, which is where it has spread to your lungs, but even then it can be cured. So I don't want you to start fretting because there is around a seventy-five percent recovery rate from this type of cancer."
"What treatment do I need exactly?"
"We'll start off with chemotherapy as I said and I think we need to give you five days of treatment with a week of rest in between. I'll schedule six sessions to begin with."
"Five days at a time? Do I have to stay in the hospital all that time?" Ezra asked, sounding upset.
"Yes, I'm afraid so, but you can go home for your rest periods," the doctor said with a reassuring smile. "After your chemo we'll see how you've progressed, but we may have to treat you with radiotherapy if the chemo is unsuccessful. Is there anything you want to ask me?"
"I can't think at the moment but can I call you if I think of anything?" the dark-haired man said, his mind a blank.
"Sure you can. That's what I'm here for. I'll schedule your treatment to start in two weeks time, so I'll call you before then to see how you are."
"Thanks, doc," Chris said as he stood and walked outside with Ezra. "You okay, babe?"
"Yes. It's just that now I've been given a start date it all suddenly seems.....Oh, I can't explain. I s'pose I'm only now coming to realize that this is the time that I either live or die. It's just hit me about what's really going to happen. I think I thought I was dreaming up until this point, but now it's so terribly real."
"I know 'cause I feel the same, Ez. Come on, let's go home and make the most of the time we have before your treatment starts."
"I'd still like to go to work every day until then, if that's alright. It'll keep me from dwelling on things," Ezra stated.
"Sure. I'll ring the guys and let them know we'll be in tomorrow. I'll see Travis too to arrange some time off so that I can be with you at the start of your treatment," Chris said as he put his arm round the man and walked back to the Ram.