The Breath in His Prayers
Follows Sentimiento
Where you are that's where I wanna be
And through your eyes,
All the things I wanna see
And in the night
You are my dream
You're everything to me
You're the love of my life
And the breath in my prayers
Take my hand, lead me there
What I need is you here
I can't forget the taste of your mouth
From your lips the heavens pour out
I can't forget that we are one
With you alone, I am free
Every day, every night, you alone
You're the love of my life...
(from "Love of my Life" by Santana)+ + + + + + +
He rode over hills and plains and through prairie grass dying in the sun. He rode across the desert and past towns and cities.
But he avoided the towns and any place that was inhabited. When he had to find food, he stayed around for the shortest time.
Then, he rode even harder, driving his horse to carry him as far and as fast as it could. He couldn't afford to stay anywhere for long.
Soon, his money would run out and he'd have to find work. He considered what he should do. He would have to be as far North as he could before staying anywhere to find employment.
It wouldn't be hard - getting work. He could be a hired gun; after all, he was the fastest around. Or rather, one of the two fastest...
His thoughts drifted back to the man he'd left behind. Chris Larabee...
Raphael Cordova de Martinez blinked against the wind whipping at his face. He was riding so fast that at times, he feared he would kill his horse.
But if he didn't ride like the wind, he'd never be able to keep going. Further and further away from Four Corners... further and further away from Chris... when all he wanted was to go back and be in his arms again. And stay there forever.
He had to resist and be strong. If he went back, he'd be putting both Chris' and JD's life in danger. He couldn't bear that thought.
Raphael was willing to pay for their safety with his heart, his sanity and his soul - all of them things he would have lived easier without, now that he was so utterly and desperately alone.
Riding ever faster, Raphael watched the sun sink below the horizon...
He raced it. Perhaps he could beat it and make it to the edge of the world before the light even went out. It would be a way - the only way - to forget.
But he doubted he could forget Chris even then. After all, wasn't the memory of the love of your life more persistent than life itself?
He didn't just race the sun but his tears as well. If he rode fast enough, he could keep them at bay. The wind would dry them. It always did.
And so he rode, further and further away from Chris, while his thoughts raced all the way back, struggling to hold on and winning the race by an eternity.
+ + + + + + +
Once the night's campfire was set up, Raphael retrieved some dried food from his pack. But after staring at it for a while, he discarded the idea again, returning it to its hold. He drank some water and lay down on his side.
Staring into the flames flickering past his eyes, wrapped in his blanket, surrounded by nothing but deafening silence, he saw Chris' face, right there in the flames.
Blue eyes, as lonely as his own, looked out at him. They begged him to go back, just as his own heart did. And he knew that Chris longed for him as much he longed for Chris.
Raphael made a pained sound and reached out, his hand nearly touching the outer flames. He didn't feel their heat - all he could feel was total and utter cold deep inside.
"I need you, querido..." he whispered, hoping that somehow, his soft words would travel through the night, across the lonely land, across deserts and plains, hills and mesas, rivers and streams... all the way back to Chris' shack out in the hills.
Was it impossible? No. He knew, deep in his heart, that Chris could feel his presence, knew his thoughts. It was why he was still alive.
The pain of it all was too overwhelming at times like this. Raphael felt as though he was slowly turning to stone from the inside out. It might have been merciful but for the fact that his heart remained warm and alive, continuing to beat for Chris even while it was surrounded by more and more dead rock.
And he did the only thing he could to deal with some of the pain - he screamed it out into the night... A long, sorrowful wail that was carried by the wind for some distance, but then carelessly destroyed by that very same wind. He was like a lone wolf who'd lost his one and only mate.
Raphael sank back, wrapping his arms around himself in a poor imitation of Chris' embrace. He stared up at the moon, searched the stars... praying for one he might perhaps be able to send back with a message. A message to tell Chris how much he loved him and how much he hurt without him...
He cried bitter tears of regret and yearning. He felt them burn his skin, and now, there was no wind to dry them on his face. So he wiped at them forcefully, willing them away. He knew that to cry never helped him.
But he knew what *would* help for just a moment, just a breath in time. If he could imagine hard enough that his own hands were Chris', that by touching himself he could feel his lover's touch... He knew he'd be feeling even worse afterwards, but for a moment, he'd feel as though he was in Chris' arms again.
Raphael's hands were under his woolen rug and he tugged out his shirt and moved underneath the skin-warmed cloth, slowly stroking over his stomach, willing the touch to feel like Chris'.
Unbuttoning his jeans, he slipped a hand beneath the tight fabric, finding that he was in too much despair to get aroused at all.
So he closed his eyes, and he saw Chris. He saw him the way he'd seen him that night at the church, the first time they'd made love. Even then, he had known that it was love, not a momentary blaze, but an everlasting flame. He saw Chris shudder at that first touch of his hands in his golden hair, in anticipation of their first kiss... and he saw Chris on his knees in front of him, sending him closer and closer to heaven with each touch of his searing tongue, each taste of his incredible mouth. He saw him bent over the church pew, waiting for him - trusting him - to take him for the very first time. It had been heaven on Earth! They had both felt it, both known it.
Raphael felt himself grow hard in his palm and quickly pushed aside any nagging thoughts about being all alone. No, Chris was right here with him, smiling at him seductively, winking at him... tempting him to believe in his presence. And he did.
"Chris... querido... te amo..." Raphael moaned softly, letting his fingers glide up and down his shaft in a tight ring. He bit his lip, holding on to that picture of his lover... Chris teasing him, wanting him, loving him...
His hands slowly changed to Chris' hands... his touch became that of his lover. He knew it so well, that touch, even though they'd only made love a few times, he knew it as he knew Chris - inside and out. He imitated the long, slow strokes, alternating with the hard, forceful ones which nearly caused him to come in an instant. They would have if it had been Chris touching him that way.
Then he thought of their last time together - that night in the livery. That night with JD. A melding of lust, tenderness and innocence beyond anything imaginable. He was lucky, Raphael knew that. He'd known complete love and surrender with his two lovers - Chris, the driving force of his need, his desire, his heart and everything that made him who he was now... and JD, the innocence he'd long lost, the wonder and utter beauty of discovering love.
Raphael remembered how Chris had made love to him after JD had fallen asleep. He could still feel Chris deep inside him. He could feel his slow, tender and wild rhythm, drawing them further and further into one another, into eternity...
Stroking himself so hard now that it almost hurt, Raphael knew he needed to find release soon. There always came a point where his sadness would overwhelm his imagination, and when he got to that point, he was too tempted to simply end his misery. He had to find release before then. He couldn't bear to lose the image of Chris now - lying above him, whispering his name over and over, kissing him breathless... while sliding deep enough into him to pierce his very soul. To make it his. To make *him* his.
Raphael came with a deep moan, his seed spilling through his fingers. Wasted without his lover's mouth or his body to find a home in.
And then, as always, came the inevitable tears. Raphael lay on his back, crying. He zipped up his jeans and wiped his hands against the side of his leg before rolling on to his side and drawing up his legs, hugging them to his body.
He was cold again, even inches from the fire. Because the fire he needed to survive never burnt for more than a few minutes since he'd left Chris. How long before it would remain a heap of cold ash?
Raphael - through his tortured thoughts - had one clear wish he sent out into the heavens... that Chris and JD would be able to find comfort in each other. That they would have what he couldn't share with them.
"It's not forever..." Raphael told himself, repeating it like a mantra, while he drifted off into a restless, disturbed sleep.
It's not forever...
Continues in Guardian Stars