Sentimiento
Follows Solace
Chris stared out into the night until he could see the rising sun on the horizon. It would be light soon, but it felt like the darkest day had just begun.
Where would Raphael go? Would he hide someplace, always looking over his shoulder for a bounty hunter or his Patron's posse? Or would he go way up North and settle down - somewhere he could stop running and try to make a life for himself - even while he still would never be entirely safe? Wherever he would go, Chris knew he might never see him again. It was likely he wouldn't.
Feeling the unfamiliar burning sensation of unshed tears, Chris shook his head, trying to clear it. He hadn't cried since Sarah and Adam. He wasn't going to now.
He'd been wrong to stay behind, but it was too late. The only way he would ever see Raphael again was if the Mexican came back for him. He knew that if it was at all possible, Raphael would. But it could be a long time before it was safe for him to do so.
Would it have made any difference if he'd told him how he felt? No, it would only have made things harder. And it had been Chris' decision whether to stay or go with him. And it had been Chris who had made the mistake of his life!
+ + + + + + +
JD woke with a smile on his lips. He opened his eyes, remembering that the last thing he'd seen was Chris smiling at him while Raphael had been holding him in his arms...
Where had they gone?
He jumped up, swaying from the sudden movement. His hair was mussed, he had hay sticking to his damp skin and what little he was wearing of his clothes was a total mess. It didn't matter.
"Chris!" he called out, scrambling out of his corner and to the center of the Livery. He stopped dead when he saw Chris. Gone was the strong, self-assured leader and in his place stood a man who looked beaten, sad and infinitely lonely. Everything about Chris' posture told of his grief.
JD's heart grew heavy - Raphael was gone.
Chris didn't hear his name being called. He was too busy staring down the main road. Staring at nothing. Perhaps if he stared hard enough, he would see Raphael riding back that way towards him? But it would do no good. He wasn't safe here, not with him. Was he safe anywhere at all?
"Chris..." JD said again, softly. He had come up behind Chris and placed a hand on his shoulder.
Chris spun around, his eyes wide and his lips trembling. He wasn't crying. Not yet. He stared at JD as if he didn't even recognize him.
"He's gone," JD stated sadly, cursing himself instantly for saying it out loud.
Chris didn't react with anger though. He nodded slowly. "Yes, he's... gone." Then he reached for JD and pulled him roughly against himself, holding him tight enough to almost break his ribs.
JD's arms went around him and he moved his hands soothingly over Chris' back. He felt Chris trembling, but he felt no tears against his cheek where it pressed against the side of Chris' neck.
So he cried them for him.
+ + + + + + +
During the following weeks, Chris became more of a mystery to his friends than he had ever been.
To everyone but JD, because JD understood.
He saw Chris riding off without a word, several times a week. He usually did this at night, when he could be sure that even if someone followed him, they wouldn't know what was wrong. The night was a good hiding place for tears.
Everytime some job took any of the seven men out of town, Chris tried to avoid going with them. If there was no way around it, he would ride like the devil was after him. But it was no devil forcing Chris to hurry back. Quite the opposite. Only JD knew why Chris had to get back home fast.
There were times when Chris would stay at his shack for days on end, not even coming anywhere near Four Corners. If someone was mad enough to go and see him, they would find him sitting on his porch, unshaven and brooding, a half empty bottle of Red Eye dangling from his hand. If they didn't talk to him, he ignored them. If they did talk, he told them to go to hell.
Sometimes, JD would sit with him. They would both look out over the fields and towards the far hills, praying for that black-clad rider to appear - riding fast, his hat held only by the cord around his neck, the scarf on his hips floating on the breeze as his tall dark horse galloped towards them.
And eventually, JD's eyes would water up from staring into the sun like that. Or perhaps it wasn't the sun at all.
As for Chris... he never seemed to tire of watching and waiting. He did so until sheer exhaustion eventually claimed him. The bottle often simply slipped from his fingers and shattered on the porch, whiskey running through the cracks in the wood. He never heard, because by then, he would be in such a deep sleep that there was only one thing in the world that could wake him. And that one thing simply never occurred.
On those long days, JD would be with him, keeping an eye on him. When sleep finally demanded Chris' body to succumb, JD would get Chris' poncho from inside and place it over him to keep him warm. And then, he would move his chair closer and sit by Chris' side, until he too fell asleep. More often than not, he would do so holding Chris' hand in his.
One day after such a night, JD rode back to town. Alone. He had made something to eat for Chris, but most of the food had not been touched at all.
"I'll come back tonight?" JD had said, hesitantly. But as usual, Chris had nodded.
JD was relieved that Chris never seemed to mind him being out there with him. He didn't know what he would do if Chris told him to stay away.
+ + + + + + +
When JD got to Four Corners, he found Buck waiting for him in his room.
"Where the hell have you been?" Buck yelled out, instantly concerned when he saw JD flinch and look at him from red, swollen eyes.
"At Chris' place."
Buck nodded. He could have answered that question himself. He was going to demand to know what was going on, but he knew from past experience that JD wouldn't tell him. Right now, the boy was staring up at him almost fearfully.
Buck began to pace, trying to find the words to ask what he needed to know without scaring JD into silence. He *had* to know.
"Buck, I'm kinda tired. Can we talk later?" JD pleaded, running his hands through his hair. Then he rubbed at his eyes, looking like a little boy.
"Is he hurting you?" Buck asked in a dangerously low voice, suddenly angry. He didn't know what he'd do to Chris if he was letting any harm come to JD.
"What??" JD looked at him, horrified.
"Chris. Is Chris hurting you?" Buck clarified. He knew that Chris could be one cold son-of-a-bitch, but he wouldn't, would he? His anger began to simmer a little lower. Of course he wouldn't.
JD stared at him in disbelief. Then he shook his head.
"But..."
"Buck." JD's voice was firm. "The only one that Chris is hurting is himself."
Buck looked at JD intently, searching his face to confirm the truth of his words. "Can't you tell me what's goin' on, JD?" he asked softly. "I wanna help."
JD smiled gratefully. "I know. But I can't tell you, Buck. I can't even help him myself. All I can do is be with him."
"I'm his oldest friend," Buck said sadly. "Why can't he *trust* me?"
"It's not about trust." JD sighed, grasping Buck's arm and squeezing it comfortingly.
Buck looked into JD's eyes. "I haven't seen him this way since he lost Sarah and Adam. And I don't think he was this bad even then."
JD nodded. "Sorry, Buck. But Chris has to decide for himself if he wants to tell ya."
The kid was right, of course. Buck took a deep breath, raising his face to look at the ceiling as if it held the answers. One hand in his pocket, the other one rubbing the back of his neck, he said, "Is there anything he needs?"
"I'm taking him out some more food later today," JD told him, sitting down on his bed. Food... that wasn't what Chris really needed. He wanted to tell Buck. He really wished he could. But it was up to Chris.
Sensing that JD just wasn't able to say any more, Buck sighed. "Okay. But if I or any of us can do anything, you tell me, alright?"
"I will." JD smiled. "Thanks, Buck."
Buck nodded, picked up his hat off the foot of the bed, and left.
+ + + + + + +
When JD got back to the shack later that day, Chris wasn't sitting out front as expected. So JD went inside, calling out his name, but he wasn't there either.
Frantic, JD raced back outside and around the side of the house. Chris' horse was tied up there, so at least he hadn't gone off some place. That was something at least.
"Chris?" JD called out, running out into the field behind the house. He looked into the distance, shielding his eyes against the sun. "CHRIS!"
JD finally saw him, sitting amidst the tall grass - he was turning something over in his hands. JD began to run towards him. As soon as he saw what it was though, he stopped dead.
"Hi, JD." Chris greeted him as if everything was just fine, except he didn't take his eyes of the object in his hands.
JD got worried. "Where did you get that from?" he asked, sitting down opposite Chris with his legs crossed.
"Kept it." Chris smiled, but it wasn't a happy smile.
JD looked at his own old, shot up hat in Chris' hands - the hat Raphael and Chris had used to test their speed with the gun.
"Why?" JD asked, having a pretty good idea of the answer.
Chris looked at JD as though he thought him crazy for asking. "It's all I have left of him, JD."
JD's heart went out to his friend. "That's not true, Chris."
"Ain't it?"
"No!" JD wanted to tell Chris that as long as Raphael was in his heart, he was with him. And there was no doubt that he was in his heart. But he didn't get to say anything, because he realized that Chris was in no state to listen to reason.
Rocking slightly, Chris sat with his head hung low, his fingers scrunching up the hat.
JD felt tears well up in his eyes, and he didn't know what to do, besides offer the only things he had - his closeness and understanding. He moved forward, coming to sit next to Chris, and slung an arm around his shoulder. When the rocking didn't stop, he reached around him and pulled him close.
Chris held onto him, burrowing his head against JD's shoulder, feeling the hesitant touch of the youth's hand on the back of his head.
JD was at a loss. He could have sworn that Chris had stopped breathing altogether, but the pressure of the arms around his middle didn't falter, it increased. He tried to withdraw, but found that he was trapped in Chris' arms. With a breathless little sigh, he gave in.
"I'm sorry, JD." This time, Chris moved back slightly. He slid his hands to the front of JD's vest and straightened it out, as if that could somehow straighten out his whole world.
JD reached out a hand and stroked over Chris' stubbled cheek. Then he leaned forward and kissed him lightly on the lips. At first, there was no response at all, but finally he felt the hesitant pressure of Chris' mouth against his. He wanted to try and remember that he was offering this kiss for comfort, but it was hard to remember anything at all while kissing Chris Larabee.
Chris reached back to deposit the hat safely in the grass, not breaking contact with JD. He lay down on his side, drawing JD down with him and half on top of him. His hands roamed over JD's back - tracing his spine and sliding into his silky black hair.
JD moaned softly into Chris' mouth when those long fingers wound themselves in his long bangs. Chris' hands were everywhere on his body - not even attempting to undress him, but simply caressing him through his layers of clothing.
Breaking from the kiss, Chris whispered, "JD... if you don't want this, you better go now."
JD answered with another kiss and a murmured, "I'm stayin', Chris." And he boldly moved his hands to Chris' collar to undo it.
Chris lay back, watching the concentration on JD's face as he unbuttoned the deep blue shirt and slid it back over Chris' shoulders until his chest was bared to him.
Crouched over Chris, JD bent down to kiss the smooth skin. His hands traced his ribs, noting how much more they stood out since Raphael had left. "You're too thin," he said with concern before he could stop himself.
"Doesn't matter, JD," Chris said, holding JD's hands firmly against his skin.
That was what worried JD - the fact that Chris just didn't care about what happened to him anymore. There were days when he was afraid to leave him alone, with his only reassurance being that Chris wouldn't do anything crazy as long as there was a chance of Raphael coming back to him.
JD moved to kiss the plane of Chris' stomach and chest, taking charge. He thought that if he could only show Chris how much he was needed and wanted, maybe he could be just a little bit happy.
Chris lay back with his eyes closed, trying to focus on nothing but JD's touch, his soft little kisses, his tongue shyly tracing his flesh and caressing his hardened nipples. It felt so good, so... comforting.
He felt the sun warming his skin, the grass tickling his waist where his shirt had moved up. And he smelt the summer wind and JD's sweet, arousing scent.
"I'm gonna make you feel real good, Chris. I promise," JD whispered, nipping at an earlobe tenderly.
Chris opened his eyes and he saw that JD meant to keep his word. He saw the fire and the sweetness in those deep, dark eyes, and they reminded him... of Raphael.
Swallowing back the tears once again, he reached to touch JD. He undid his vest, threw it to one side, and then unbuttoned his shirt. Touching the smooth skin underneath just as he had done that night, Chris slipped one hand around the back of JD's neck and drew him close.
JD kissed him eagerly, playing with his tongue and nipping at his lips while his hands slid through Chris' silky hair. He rubbed against Chris, making him moan and raise his hips to feel more of him.
Chris slid one hand underneath the waistband of JD's loose pants, tracing the curve of his ass and letting one finger glide into the cleft between those soft cheeks. When JD instantly grew harder against him, Chris moved his finger deeper, finding the unexplored little opening and touching it gently.
Gasping in shock as much as in anticipation, JD stopped moving, waiting to see what would happen. He was afraid, but he also wanted Chris to touch him there. He had known instinctively that Chris had thought about it that night at the livery, but he hadn't done anything about it. "Chris..." he murmured, his lips against the side of the other's neck.
"Don't be afraid, JD, I'm not gonna take you." Chris captured JD's lips, kissing him tenderly and for a very long time.
When JD withdrew and looked down at him - desire and confusion in his eyes - Chris smiled sadly. "You okay?"
"Yeah." JD thought about what to say. "Chris?"
"Hmm?"
"I want you to take me." JD raised his chin, taking a deep breath. "Please?"
Chris shook his head. "No, you don't, JD." He saw a shadow passing over the lovely brown eyes and, raising his hand to cup JD's cheek, he added quickly, "Not this time."
JD smiled. Okay, he could live with that.
Chris sat up, one arm around JD's waist and holding him close while he stroked over his hair with his other hand. He shifted them so that JD was lying on his back and he settled in between his legs.
Somehow, JD's pants were slipped off him while Chris remained fully dressed, safe for his half-removed shirt.
When Chris looked at him with those beautiful blue eyes, JD held his breath. He felt his underwear being tugged down over his hips and then, Chris' hand closed around him, forcing his eyes shut from the sheer intensity of the sensation.
"God, JD, you're so sweet," Chris murmured, his eyes roving over the flushed skin, soft lips open in a silent gasp and that black hair fanning out from the adorable face like silk against the harshness of the prairie grass.
Chris began to slide his rough palm over the smooth shaft, teasing JD slowly... so very slowly ever closer to climax. He watched his struggling, the way he licked his lips and clutched bunches of grass in his trembling fingers... and he moved lower, diving down on him and drawing him into his mouth.
"Ah! Chris!!" JD groaned, close to a scream. The muscles in his legs bunched and quivered with the effort of not coming right there and then.
Pausing briefly, Chris instructed, "Come on, JD, don't fight it." His voice was hoarse and deep, almost enough to cause the boy in his arms to lose control from the sound of it alone. When he replaced his mouth with his hand again, stroking hard and quickly for a few more moments, he was rewarded with the beginnings of JD's flow running through his fingers.
"Chris! No, I can't..."
Ignoring the desperate attempts to make him go slower, Chris suddenly removed his hand from the leaking shaft and moved it underneath JD, finding his tiny hole again and pushing inside with two wet, slick fingers.
A soft cry of surrender came from JD's lips, and his eyes opened wide, staring up at Chris. He felt the fingers slide in and out of him, and moved against them to make them go deeper. It hurt, but not much. And it hurt good.
Chris let himself be guided by JD's movements. He was careful not to let his fingers go too deep, not until he knew that JD was desperately close.
When JD could no longer hold back, he whimpered softly and felt those fingers moving all the way up into him, touching him in a spot that felt simply too good to be true. He cried out, utterly unrestrained.
Chris felt JD's muscles contract around his fingers, and then he felt the warm spray of the boy's seed against his stomach. He groaned at the vision - he hadn't seen JD like this in broad daylight, and he was sad when he realized that Raphael had missed out on that sight. Goddamn, he should be here with them!
JD calmed slowly, and when Chris moved to lie by his side, he turned to face him with a sigh, realizing just what he had done. Instead of an apology, he pushed Chris' shirt folds aside and began to lick his own seed from the firm surface of the other's stomach.
Chris watched him breathlessly, remembering Raphael's words, 'He does not look so innocent now...'
When JD undid Chris' jeans, he let him. They had become far too restrictive anyway. Not bothering to slide them all the way down, JD pulled them open just far enough to release Chris' straining organ, catching it in his hand as it sprang free. He imitated Chris' pumping motion from earlier, remember only too well how it had felt. It seemed to work with Chris too, because his breathing became rapid and his eyes were on fire, while the rest of his body went completely limp.
"JD..." Chris whispered, his hands roaming over his own stomach, and then moving into JD's hair, directing him gently to where he wanted him.
JD was only too happy to oblige, sliding in between Chris' lean thighs to take him in his mouth. He closed his eyes when he heard Chris groan low in his chest, and his lips teased and slid over the hard shaft. He drew back and licked along its entire length before taking it back into his mouth with renewed hunger.
Much as Raphael had done, Chris succumbed to JD's still inexperienced touch quickly. He withdrew his hands from the boy's head, afraid he might hurt him if he held on to tight.
So instead, he reached for JD's hand - which had been resting at his hip - and squeezed it tight. His other hand dropped to lie by his side, where it almost accidentally touched the rim of the hat.
When Chris came, he was clutching onto the hat's edge, a stray tear sliding from the corner of his eye as he whispered sadly, "Raphael..."
+ + + + + + +
Around the corner of Chris' shack, someone wasn't sure whether his heart would stop or break. He had been watching - knowing he shouldn't - for some time, and had been as mesmerized as he'd been saddened by the passionate yet tender encounter.
When Buck had come out to Chris' place to check up on him, despite his better judgment and firm knowledge that he'd be greeted like a nuisance rather than a friend, he'd been determined to try talking to him yet again.
Of all of Chris' friends, he'd been the one to come riding out here most often, desperate to help with whatever was tearing Chris apart. He knew it had to be bad - the only time Chris had ever ignored any attempts to break through his shell were after he'd lost his family. Whatever was goin' on, it had to be hell for him.
Yet, watching the way Chris had made love to JD, the adoration on JD's face when he'd... when... Buck gulped. And the desperation with which they both clung to each other now, layin' there in the grass, having no idea that their best friend was spying on them... Buck wished like hell he'd stayed in Four Corners.
If there was any way he could convince himself that Chris was somehow takin' advantage of JD, he'd go ahead and put an end to this - one way or another - right now. But there was nothing like that. Only tenderness. The kind he hadn't thought Chris was still capable of.
Buck watched Chris hold JD in his arms, stroking over that hair he himself wanted to caress so desperately, and he had to face the fact that what he was looking at was exactly what he'd been wanting to share with JD almost since the day that sweet boy had appeared in his life. But he was too late.
Still, none of all that explained why Chris was shutting himself off from everyone who cared about him. From everyone but JD, anyway.
There was more, but whatever else there was, only JD and Chris knew.
Turning away with a dull, throbbing pain in his heart, Buck gathered the reins of his horse in his hands, mounted up and rode away, back to Four Corners.
+ + + + + + +
"Chris, are you okay?" JD asked a little fearfully after a long silence.
"Yeah." Chris managed a half-hearted smile, holding JD's head pressed more closely against his chest so the boy couldn't get a real good look at his face. He was about as okay as anyone would be whose heart had a great piece missing. But JD was trying so hard to help.
JD reached back and picked up the hat. He held it above Chris' stomach and eyed it curiously. "You know, Chris, this is somethin' all three of us did."
This time, Chris' smile was a bit more genuine. "I know."
"I'm gonna admit somethin' to you," JD announced. He looked up at Chris from under long lashes. "I was actually a little bit afraid of Raphael that day in the Saloon." When Chris didn't reply but the corners of his mouth quirked up a little, JD added, "Only for a bit, of course."
"Of course."
"Can I ask you somethin'?" JD crawled up a bit higher until his chin rested comfortably on Chris' chest while his arm was slung over his stomach.
"Sure, JD."
"You knew right away that he wasn't gonna kill you, didn't you?"
Chris smiled. This one was real - it brought back a wonderful memory. "I knew it the moment he said it, JD. When we looked at each other..." He broke off, his throat suddenly constricting a little. "Raphael could have said anything, it wouldn't have mattered. I could see something in his eyes... something that had been waiting for me to find it. You know?" Chris wasn't sure whether his explanation made any sense to JD.
"I think I do." JD smiled at him, reaching up to smooth a finger over Chris' lower lip. "You two seemed so close straight away. I couldn't understand then why you trusted him when he'd told you he was gonna kill you. But I figured it out, I guess." A mischievous twinkle crept into JD's eyes.
Chris drew him up for a tender kiss.
When he released JD, the boy sat up, looking down at him seriously. "He's gonna come back, Chris. You know, don't ya?"
Chris sorted through his desperation for Raphael to come back, his fear that he might never see him again, and his certainty that he would. Then he made up his mind. "Yes, JD. I know."
Smiling brightly, JD got up and straightened his clothes out. "Good." When Chris just looked up at him with a slight smile, JD held out a hand to him. "Come on, lets get somethin' to eat. You need it."
"Don't be a mother hen, JD."
"Whatever it takes, Chris." JD pulled Chris up off the ground and hugged him close. 'Whatever it takes...' he thought.
+ + + + + + +
From that day on, Chris reluctantly rejoined life in Four Corners. He no longer shunned his duties - he worked harder than any of them, taking over their shifts and seeing to every menial detail there was. So long as it didn't take him away from his shack for more than a day. And nothing could keep him away from there at night, when the longing was worst.
JD didn't like it, but he figured it was better than the brooding, lonely days out at Chris' place. He knew there was still no joy in the other man's life, but apparently, Chris wasn't gonna let that show so much.
Buck looked at the whole thing from the outside, confused. Chris and JD spent a lot of time together, but there was barely a hint of what he'd witnessed out at Chris' place. He was beginning to think it had all been a dream.
Chris joined his friends at the Saloon again; he even played Poker with them. But his whole inner world was hidden and his interest in what went on around him had gone to hell. Even inside a busy Saloon, he was desperately lonely. And it showed in his eyes.
And suddenly, everyone's world was turned upside down. Chris' past came back to haunt him and add to his grief, and with it came the Nichols clan.
+ + + + + + +
They'd been playing a friendly game of Poker - Ezra, as per usual, was winning.
"Hell, Ezra. This hand's got as much chance as a one-legged man in a butt-kickin' contest." Buck slammed the cards on the table and got up to try his luck at the bar instead. That was where he spotted Hank Connolly - Chris' father-in-law.
Chris heard the welcoming words exchanged between the two men, and he wished that today even more than any other day, he'd followed his intuition and stayed out at the shack.
"What do you want?" he snapped, when Hank told him he'd come looking for him.
Hank claimed he'd found Sarah's and Adam's killer, and taken revenge.
But there was something not right about the whole thing and Chris had a bad feeling about it all. With good reason, because there was more... Hank had killed one of the notorious Nichols family, who were right now amassing outside the Saloon with revenge on their minds.
"You brought these people here?" Chris asked, horrified. He'd never got along with Hank, or rather Hank had never got along with him. And right now, to be reminded of another terrible loss was the last thing Chris needed. Damn the old fool for taking the law into his own hands. What the hell was he to do with him?
The others decided for Chris, taking Hank out back to hide him at the church. And not a moment too soon, because the Nichols brood burst in right then. Their vengeance-bent Ma started questioning everyone and the whole family damn near got themselves killed when they decided to pick on JD.
Chris looked on, having a hard time holding back. It would only cause bloodshed to make a fuss, so he waited for them to leave.
JD was okay, just a bit annoyed, so Chris breathed a sigh of relief and went outside, headed back home. He had enough of the town for a few days again, and he didn't need Hank and the ghosts of his past in his life now either.
Buck stopped him outside. "Chris, he's your father-in-law. You can't just walk away. You owe him that much."
"I don't owe that son-of-a-bitch nothin'."
Buck didn't understand. He couldn't, even knowing how Hank had treated Chris for taking his precious girl away from him all those years ago. Buck just wasn't capable of the kind of hatred Chris came by so easily. And he didn't know that Chris was too close to breaking under the burden of his latest loss to deal with those of his past as well.
"I ain't gonna protect him. Ain't gonna watch him die," Chris said, getting ready to mount his horse and get back to his shack, his refuge.
"I understand. You wanted vengeance, and he beat you to it, but he is family," Buck said, unable to believe Chris would just go ridin' off like that.
'Hell, Buck, you don't understand a damn thing,' Chris thought. "You're so concerned, you protect him," he said. And with that, he mounted his horse and rode away.
+ + + + + + +
Meanwhile, JD was having a run-in with the Nichols brothers, dragging Casey away from them 'cause she was acting dumb and having no idea who she was dealing with. He had a real bad feeling about those boys. Real bad. He wondered where Chris had gone off to, but there was only one place he was likely to be.
Vin checked with Buck about Chris' whereabouts.
"He took off," Buck said, confirming what they both knew. "Yeah, to his shack in the hills."
Vin didn't understand why Chris wouldn't help his own kin, and Buck didn't understand that there was a lot more to it than the hunt for Sarah's and Adam's killer being off.
+ + + + + + +
Chris was as close to breaking point as any man could get. He didn't know what his future was and the present was nothing but pain - he definitely didn't need his past to come back for him as well.
He was riding home and got about halfway there when he realized that no matter how much he wanted to just hide, he had to go back. If not for Hank - and he didn't give a damn about him - then for JD. Something was gonna go down in town, and JD was likely to get himself into a situation with the Nichols. He could be so darn hot-headed.
But when he got back to town, his plan were changed drastically. Hank had gotten himself trapped out in the street with the Nichols converging on him like buzzards after his sorry hide. There was no other way - Chris had to get him outta there. He owed it to Sarah, if not to Hank.
"Hank, grab on!" he called out, riding down the middle of the road and pulling Hank up onto his horse in passing. He kept going, with Ma Nichols' promise of revenge and flying bullets following him. Now he *had* to help Hank, and that meant he had to leave town. And leaving town meant not knowing what was happening to JD.
+ + + + + + +
"What are you talking to that fella again for?" JD was questioning Casey for the second time that day.
He'd seen the way Peter Nichols looked at her and while Casey just thought it was all about a fancy-lookin' fella being interested in her, he suspected there was more. If the Nichols clan got a hold of an innocent living in town, they'd have somethin' to bargain with for Hank Connolly.
And Casey - the silly girl - had gotten all dressed up to impress the newcomers. She simply didn't wanna see what was going on. He'd have to look after her, JD knew. If only Chris was in town...
+ + + + + + +
Out at Chris' place, Hank was sitting outside on the porch - in the rocking chair Chris usually occupied - talking stupid. Somethin' about David Nichols having been after silver on Chris' land. That was, supposedly, why he'd killed Sarah and Adam.
Chris listened to the old man's ramblings, pretty damn sure that was all they were. He'd known David Nichols. He'd probably been the only one of that whole cursed brood who didn't have killin' in his blood. And JD was in town with all the rest of 'em, and they were bent on revenge!
Something about the way Hank sat there in his chair, playing with that damn rope in his hands, irritated Chris like hell.
And then he worked it out - Hank was intruding into his time with Raphael. That was how he'd started thinking of his evenings out at the shack, sitting on the porch. He knew that wherever Raphael was, that was the time they could both most likely sense each others' thoughts. He made it easy for Raphael by being out here alone. It was peaceful. It allowed them to meet in some way.
'Stupid,' Chris thought. It was just something he told himself to keep from going crazy. But reasoning about it didn't change the fact that he needed that time alone with his thoughts. He wished Hank to hell right about then.
"What are you doing with them knots?" Chris asked him.
"So I remember. Remember not to forget. But you know all about that."
Yeah, Chris knew all about remembering. And about regretting.
"Some things I don't want to remember. Others I don't want to forget," he said, knowing Hank would have no idea what he was talking about. He didn't wanna be reminded of the family he'd lost - he'd barely started making some kind of peace with his past. And he didn't want to forget Raphael. He couldn't have even if he wanted to. There was always, *always* still a chance that he'd come back.
Chris went inside a short while later, telling Hank he'd go make them something to eat.
Hank joined him a little while later. "Is that dumplings?" he asked, settling in.
"Yeah."
"Sarah teach you how to do that?"
Chris knelt by the stove, remembering some of the things he didn't want to remember. "She made the best chicken and dumplings I ever ate. Adam wanted them every night. I did, too. But she always said, 'Sunday's the day for dumplings.' I never knew why. Just the way she was."
Hank went on about how his wife had been the same, while Chris found himself wondering when he'd forgotten what it was like to have a home. He had the shack, but it was really more a place to be alone than a home. In a real home, you weren't alone. You had the most important person in your life with you - that was what made a shack a home.
He grew angry at Hank. Why was *he* here? He stood for what was long gone. He made the shack into a memorial for the love that *didn't* live there.
They wound up arguing soon after, of course. Hank blamed Chris for Sarah's and Adam's deaths, and Chris pointed out that Hank hadn't been any closer to them to protect them than he had been. Ironic that he'd been in Mexico that night...
It wasn't long before Buck and Vin arrived and told them the Nichols brothers were on their way to the shack to get what they'd come for. It was time to go.
They took off with Hank, finding somewhere to set up camp for the night when thunder started clapping down on them. Buck and Chris wound up on watch, with Hank asleep on the other side of the campfire.
Buck brought up how Hank had chased after Chris with a shotgun, back when he'd first known Sarah. He was trying to get to what was somewhere deep inside Chris. He had a feeling that if he brought up something real important to him, maybe his old friend would open up and start *really* talkin' to him. And maybe he'd even be able to find out what was going on with Chris. But Buck's plan didn't work out as expected.
"I can't see her face anymore, Buck. Can't hear Adam calling me Pa. They're fading away," Chris admitted.
"Maybe it's time for that." Could guilt over forgetting be why Chris had been acting so strange?
"No. No, I need to remember." Chris sipped some coffee. If he didn't remember how he'd failed his family, he knew the same thing might happen again. He'd been thinking all day that no matter how far away he wished Hank, he had a responsibility to him.
What if he failed JD? After all, JD was the main reason he'd stayed behind. He was supposed to take care of him. He'd made a promise to Raphael. And so far, he'd done a lousy job. JD had been taking care of *him* instead. That would have to change.
Buck's plan hadn't worked. He was no closer to discovering Chris' secret. But at least they'd spent another evening around the campfire just talking, almost like old times. Before they'd had secrets from one another.
+ + + + + + +
Early the next morning, plans were made for Hank.
"Buck and I have been talking. We reckon Mexico is the best place for you," Chris said. "I'll ride with you."
Hank didn't want him to come along. He preferred to be alone and he knew that Chris did, too. "I'll see you around one of these days," he said.
"That would be nice." Chris was making peace with the old man. It felt good.
Hank nodded. "I was wrong about you, Chris."
He'd called him 'Chris', not 'Chris Larabee', for the first time. It was a start.
"Vaya con dios. We're heading back to town." And with those words, Chris lead his friends to where his responsibilities now lay - with JD.
+ + + + + + +
When Chris, Buck and Vin got back to Four Corners, they headed straight for the Saloon. With any luck, the Nichols would just go get the hell outta town, now that Hank was gone.
Chris was feeling nervous. He was on his second glass of whiskey, and JD still hadn't shown up. He was always somewhere around, somewhere near the rest of them.
When he finally came in, Chris sensed him more than he actually heard him. Good, he was okay then. Chris breathed a sigh of relief. But his relief was short-lived.
The others were sitting around one of tables, talkin'. JD wasn't sayin' anything as he walked up to the bar, and Chris grew nervous again. When he turned to face JD, he realized... something wasn't right - JD was kinda slumped over.
"I've got a message for everyone," JD said. And his voice definitely wasn't right.
Chris knew a split-second before it happened that JD was goin' to collapse. He reached for him, catching his fall. And JD lay in his arms, barely conscious.
The others were fussing over him, and Casey came running in, going on about somethin', but Chris just stared down into the bruised, bloodied face, anger and guilt warring within him. "God, JD, I'm so sorry..." He whispered quietly enough so only JD could hear him. He thought he heard JD speak his name, very softly, and he held him tighter.
"They're gonna kill us all for helping Hank." JD closed his eyes, and for a second, Chris panicked, but JD came back right away.
Chris stood, helping JD up. The others took care of him and Chris started loading his guns. "Casey," he told the hysterical girl, "Get JD out of here."
"Chris, I can fight. I'm fine." Brave as ever. Stubborn as ever.
There was no way Chris was gonna allow JD to get hurt any worse. "Alright, JD, get Casey out of here!" He knew JD wouldn't argue about it that way 'round, and he didn't.
JD and Casey slowly made their way upstairs, with Casey supporting him as best she could.
'Okay, focus!' Chris told himself, his eyes following JD sadly. 'Focus!'
And then, like things weren't bad enough already, Hank showed up again, confirming Chris' suspicions about David Nichols' supposed guilt. Only, things were even worse - Hank, in his crazed head, had gone off and killed another innocent man.
There was only one way they'd avoid bloodshed now. Chris went outside to talk to Ma Nichols. He had to try and convince her that Hank was crazy and was gonna stand trial.
But this wasn't gonna end so easily.
Ma Nichols wanted her apocalypse. And she got it.
+ + + + + + +
Hank was dying. He lay on the stairs in front of the Saloon, clutching that darn rope in his hands. Looking up at Chris, he said, "Remember... not to forget, Chris Larabee."Chris watched him die. Heard him take his last breath. Then he whispered, "I'll never forget." He took the rope from the dead man's hands and held it tight. No, he wasn't gonna ever forget anything. Not his past, not his future. And he was gonna fix up the present as best he could.
+ + + + + + +
"Chris..." JD woke from a disturbed sleep. He was hurtin' all over. Oh yeah... the Nichols.
"I'm here, JD." Chris - who'd been pacing around the room for nearly an hour - rushed to the boy's bedside. "Right here." He sat down and took JD's hands in his.
"Is everyone okay?" JD asked fearfully. He could barely open his eyes - they were blackened and swollen, and his soft cheeks were covered in bruises. Nathan had cleaned off the dry blood a while ago, but there wasn't much he could do about the rest.
Chris was hurtin' inside, wishing himself in JD's place. Damn it, why JD? Couldn't the bastards have picked on him? He'd been the one to help Hank. Why did they have to make JD suffer for it?
Chris nodded, remembering JD's question. "The others are fine. And you saved Ezra's life." He held JD's hands tighter, rubbing a thumb over the back of one hand. "Hank... got killed."
JD swore softly under his breath. "I'm sorry, Chris."
Swallowing hard, Chris looked up at the ceiling, his heart feeling like it was being crushed in a vice. "Dammit, JD! Don't be sorry!"
JD stared up at him wide-eyed when he heard how desperate Chris sounded.
"It's all my fault, JD. I didn't see what was goin' on with Hank. His mind was gone. And I didn't see it!" Chris looked down at JD. "And what happened to you... everything's my fault."
"Now, Chris..." JD started. "You haven't seen Hank for - how long? You couldn't have known. As for me..."
"JD!" Chris cried out warningly, instantly softening the verbal blow by raising the small hands to his lips, kissing them tenderly. "Stop making excuses for me, JD. You've been doin' that since Raphael left."
JD was going to argue, but the guilt-ridden look in Chris' eyes - dark blue and moist with tears - changed his mind.
"You know why I stayed behind?" Chris asked.
JD shook his head. "No, I don't know, Chris. Why?"
"To take care of you." Chris laughed unhappily.
JD instantly felt guilty. "But, Chris... you could have..."
"JD... quiet!" Chris stopped any further discussion by placing a finger across JD's bruised lips. "Just listen to me."
When JD nodded, he continued, "I made a promise to Raphael. I didn't want to leave you behind. And he didn't either. But the kind of life a man leads when he's got a prize on his head..." He had to stop, reminded of all the dangers Raphael was right now facing somewhere out there, all by himself.
JD was thinking the very same thing. A shadow fell over his face and he felt his stomach clench.
Taking a deep breath, Chris continued, "We decided that I'd stay. For you. And before you say anything - it was *my* decision, all right?"
JD just nodded, too touched to speak.
Chris looked at that sweet face - so pale against the pillow. He looked at what state JD was in, and his voice cracked when he continued, "God, JD! I failed you. I failed Raphael. Just like I failed my family, and Hank."
JD swallowed, reaching out a hand to touch Chris' cheek. "It's not your fault, Chris. None of it." JD knew that no man who suffered the way Chris had been suffering ought to be taking responsibility for anything.
"It's *all* my fault, JD. Don't say it ain't." Chris looked down at JD and - carefully avoiding any bruises - brushed a strand of soft black hair back from JD's forehead. "But I'm gonna make it up to you, I swear it."
JD managed a smile even while he felt tears welling up in his eyes. "Okay, Chris. But it's not all up to you." When Chris shook his head, JD continued, "I'm gonna be looking after you too! For Raphael. For when he comes back."
Chris looked at him - sadness, regret and love shining from his eyes. "We're gonna take care of each other, JD."
JD nodded, whispering a relieved little, "Yes..."
And Chris leaned forward and kissed him with infinite care and tenderness. He could taste JD's tears on his lips, and finally... finally, he allowed himself to cry as well.
Continues in The Breath in His Prayers