Through Sunshine and Shadow by Debra Hicks

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Prologue

Van leaned back against the warm rock, letting it take the pleasant chill off his skin. A few feet down the stream, Buck and JD were trying to drown each other, sending cascades of sparkling water up onto the rock where Josiah was trying to sleep. The big man gave the other two a look of tolerant patience--until Buck came a little too close. Josiah grabbed the man's shoulder, shoving him hard under the cold water and allowing JD to catch him. Buck came up sputtering and immediately pulled Josiah in the cold water by his leg. The term hell and high water now took on new meaning for the others.

Keeping a careful eye on the three combatants, knowing he would eventually be involved, Vin let a little of his attention drift to the last of their group. Ezra was sitting, still dressed, under an oak tree that grew over the rock formed pool. The gambler looked completely occupied with the game of solitaire he had spread before him. Yet, Vin saw that every so often he would watch the others with a slight amused smile. Vin let himself slip back into the water, thankful that the spring was cold. Sometimes just watching the handsome man would bring on a reaction that he definitely didn't want to have to explain.

The furious battle for naval supremacy had quieted and Vin turned, figuring he was the next target. Instead, he watched Buck and JD quietly exit the pool, slipping a little in the clay that lined the edge. Vin smiled, waiting to see what would happen. Buck came to a stop directly in front of Ezra. The smaller man looked up, squinting against the glare from the blue water.

"Mister Wilmington," Ezra drawled slowly, "you are dripping on my cards."

"Well," Buck returned with a slow drawl of his own, "why don't ya just put the cards away, Ezra, and join us."

That was the signal. Buck grabbed one arm and JD the other, tugging the reluctant gambler toward the water.

"Stop! Stop! You'll ruin the clothes!" Ezra laughed a little.

Vin's smile faded a little, there was more nervousness in Ezra's tone than just someone worried about his clothes. It must have worked, since Buck and JD both released their captive.

"Gosh, Ezra," JD relented, "we don't want to ruin your fine clothes."

"So," Buck picked up, "I think we should just get you out of them!"

Vin's eyes widened and despite the cold water a thrill went down his back at the thought of a naked, wet Ezra. The battle that was about to take place now had his complete attention. Floating in the pool, Josiah also looked up, though he seemed to be deciding which of the men to put money on.

Ezra made a break for it, scrambling backwards only to collide with JD who effectively grabbed his coat and peeled it off. "JD!" the conman chided. "I expected better of you."

Buck now straddled his legs, reaching for the vest, which he got two buttons open on before Ezra managed a quick jerk and roll to come to his knees. "Enough! This has gone..."

Pouncing Buck once more pinned him while JD snapped off the black hat and tie. The vest landed in a heap next to the coat. Vin smiled, getting impatient for Buck to get to the shirt. He glanced to the flushed face of his southern friend--and saw terror in the jade eyes.

"No. Don't!" Ezra nearly yelled.

Buck didn't realize how wrong things were, though JD had stopped working on the white shirt's buttons. Vin was moving, needing to stop Buck before something bad happened. He had just touched land when he heard Ezra's soft voice say, "Please, Buck, please don't...." It was a voice full of pain and panic.

Buck jerked his hands away as if he had been burned. "Ezra..."

The smaller man scrambled away, breathing hard. When he glanced up, Vin could see the desperate panic on the suddenly pale face. He took a step forward to offer his support but Ezra grabbed his clothes and sprinted away, running for the cover of the thicker trees. Silence claimed the small, peaceful pond.

"What happened?" JD questioned.

Buck shook his head. "Got me, kid."

Stepping toward their piles of clothing, Vin reached for his pants. "I better go talk to him."

A hand touched his arm and he looked back at Buck. "Tell him I didn't mean anything by it."

"He knows," Josiah said in his quiet deep voice.

"Think it's like Nathan," JD commented, still trying to find a reason for Ezra's response. "Scars maybe."

As Vin tightened his belt and headed into the woods, he heard Josiah say, "Not all scars are on the outside."

Ezra hadn't gone far, just a few dozen yards to sit on one of the boulders that lined the small stream flow. His back was to Vin and he was slowly buttoning his coat. Vin made sure he was heard coming through the dried oak leaves. Ezra paused in his movements but didn't turn, nor did he try to leave. Vin came over, sitting next to and slightly behind him on the cold rock. He waited until the gambler had all his clothes back on and arranged to his satisfaction. Before Vin could say anything, Ezra sighed heavily.

"I made quite a spectacle of myself, I suppose," he said.

Vin smiled. "No more'n usual."

That gained him a shaky laugh, nothing more for a moment, then Ezra actually turned to face him. The color had come back to his handsome face but there was still a haunted look in his eyes. For an insane moment, Vin wished very much that he could hold the man in front of him and chase away whatever had hurt him so badly.

"Buck and JD, they wanted me to tell you they're sorry. They didn't mean anything by it."

The jade gaze sparkled up through the sun-dappled forest. "I am aware of that," he said in a voice that held no anger. Ezra's eyes held Vin's for a long time, as if trying to find answers to too many questions. Finally, Ezra gave him a forced, wide smile. "Perhaps it would be best if I returned to town. I'm--"

"Nope," Vin said quickly. "Josiah made enough fried chicken to feed the whole territory. You gotta help us eat it."

A surge of panic, almost like one he'd seen on trapped animals flickered across the smooth features. It faded and the small smile this time was real. "I am rather famished."

"Good." Vin stood. "You know, in Comanche camps, the first thing folks ask ain't where you been or how you doing, it's have you et."

Ezra laughed. "A worthy custom. In Southern homes also, that is a frequent first response to visitors."

There was a moment of awkwardness upon their return but it was quickly buried when Josiah literally picked up Buck and tossed him into the pool. By the time they rode back into Four Corners, the incident seemed to have been forgotten, except by Vin.

Ezra normally didn't like being outside at night. He normally didn't like silence. Looking across the small fire at the man sharing the trail with him, Ezra decided that right now, he liked the night and the silence. The surroundings suited the quiet tracker, seemed to lend him a contented air that Ezra didn't understand but could feel. It was not often that he shared the night patrol with Vin. Larabee seemed to like to keep the man close. Ezra smiled. Tonight, though, Chris had finally been convinced to ask Mary to dinner.

"What's funny?" Vin asked, having seen the smile.

"Our illustrious leader," Ezra said, not bothering to hide his amusement. "One would not have thought such a forthright man to be so shy and retiring with the obvious interest of his heart."

Vin gave him that little half-smile, looking down at the fire. "Chris ain't like Buck. I don't think he's given his heart more than once before."

The quiet statement sobered the gambler a little. "His wife," he said softly. "I cannot imagine the pain of losing someone like that."

It seemed that Vin was in a mood for talking now, as he asked, "Never been in love before?"

Ezra looked across the fire, catching Vin's gaze. He wanted to give a light answer, wanted to go back to the safety of the silence. Instead, he found himself shaking his head. "No, I have never known that kind of feeling."

The tracker, like Ezra himself, knew how to read someone. Ezra watched the man consider his answer. With a smile, Vin asked, "How 'bout you and Inez?"

That brought a real smile to Ezra's face. He knew very well that the other men were wondering about him and the Mexican beauty that worked the saloon. Once again he was tempted to lie, and once again he found himself unable to do so. "Inez and I are far too much alike ever to consider a relationship."

Something like relief flickered in his companion's night-darkened blue eyes. Unease crept down Ezra's back, shivered like a snake through his nerves. He shoved it aside, attributing it to old memories and his imagination. "What of you, Mister Tanner?"

Glancing away, Vin seemed to consider the question for a long time, before looking back up at Ezra. The tracker smiled, a smile that made his eyes crinkle up. "Maybe. Ain't sure how they feel yet. May take a bit of time to find out."

Ezra's breath caught. Terror gripped him, made him lean away from the fire, away from the look in Vin's eyes, away from the flicker of response in his veins. It was only a lifetime of control that kept him from bolting. Not even his control could cover everything and he saw his reaction hit Vin. The smile vanished. Vin glanced away, then back. His smile this time was forced, yet the blue eyes were kind and understanding. Ezra felt something die in his chest, felt the night get cold around him.

He had to swallow twice to find his voice. "I believe I am feeling the trials of the day, Mister Tanner. Sleep beckons."

Vin nodded. "I'll take first watch."

Grabbing his bedroll, Ezra lay down where he was, though he turned his back to the fire, to Vin, to the hope that he had seen glimmering in the expressive eyes. There would be no sleep tonight. Instead he lay in the building chill and considered what to do next. Despite his inability to return Vin's feelings, Ezra didn't want the man hurt. He was left with two options: leaving, or making it very clear to Vin that he was not interested. The terror caused by Vin's look of desire had faded, leaving him with only an empty feeling and his own desire to cry at the loss of what he had gained.

One

Vin stretched out in the bottom of his wagon, pulling the double blankets up. It had been a trying week, starting with the failed bank robbery and ending with the aborted stage robbery that afternoon. He was exhausted, though for the first time he felt he could get some sleep. He hoped that was also true for JD. JD was still not over his accidental killing of Annie while stopping the robbers, but Vin felt now that their youngest member would be okay. The kid had faced what Vin prayed was the worst thing ever to happen to him with a newly- gained maturity.

A slight smile touched him as he thought about the other big news around town, Big Lester Spencer and Ezra's epic poker game. Vin had to admire the tenacity Ezra had shown in his accusation that Big Lester was cheating. An accusation that was proved true with the discovery of the older gambler's fake leg during the foiled stage holdup.

The smile faded quickly as Vin also remembered the pain of Ezra's response to his question about writing down his poem. It wasn't that entering the Clarion poetry competition had been that important, he had just not expected such a cruel reaction. The harsh laugh had cut like a knife. With a sigh, Vin acknowledged that since that night on patrol, when he had let his feelings show, Ezra had been pushing him further and further off. He was sorry for that, for both of them.

"Mister Tanner?"

For an instant Vin thought he was imagining the soft southern voice. Then his senses kicked in and he knew someone was outside. Sitting up and wrapping the blankets around him, he flipped up the canvas flap. Ezra was standing a few feet away, looking slightly disheveled. Vin wondered how much the man had had to drink tonight. That was something else he had noticed; Ezra was drinking more lately. Remembering the laugh, Vin fought down the hurt of seeing Ezra.

"What, Ezra?" he said in a level tone.

In the dim light of the street fires, he watched the man swallow a couple of times. Finally, the gambler settled for a long, deep breath. "I have come to ask for your forgiveness, Mister Tanner."

Vin was too startled to say anything. Misunderstanding the silence, Ezra explained, "It was very... rude of me to find amusement in your request yesterday. The only explanation I can offer was that I was too... involved with trying to figure out Mister Spencer's--"

"Ezra," Vin cut him off, reading the gambler's eyes even in the dark. "Ezra, most folks don't apologize by lying."

He dropped the flap down, returning to the warmth of his bed, ignoring the cold of his heart. It was a long time before he felt the wagon bump gently. Shifting, he could make out the outline of Ezra sitting on the backboard. The part of his heart that still valued the man's friendship, and the even more secret part that still held out some small hope for more, made him sit up again.

"Mister Tanner," Ezra started talking. "I offer my apologies for... everything."

Vin once more wrapped the blankets tight, opened the flap of the wagon and slid to sit cross-legged on the cold wood next to Ezra. Ezra's head was down, hands folded on his lap, twitching a little, as if he desperately needed something to keep them busy. Looking closely at the man beside him, Vin could see the misery not hidden by the sharply-cut coat or fine shirt.

"Everything's a lot, Ezra, even for you," Vin said lightly. "Want to narrow that down a mite."

Ezra didn't look up, he only sighed. After a minute, he said, "I laughed at you because I wanted to hurt you."

It was the truth: unvarnished, plain and simple. The sad thing was that Vin knew why Ezra had done it, knew it was his own fault for giving himself away that night on the trail. But he needed, for some reason, to know if Ezra understood it himself. "Why?"

Now Ezra looked up, the green eyes connecting with Vin's, sparkling in the meager firelight. "To drive you away." Taking another breath, Ezra said, "I am aware of your, um, romantic interest in me, Mister Tanner."

"I know," Vin said. "I saw that it scared you. I understand you not liking men. And I would never do anything...."

"I know."

Silence claimed them again. There was more, Vin could sense that much. He just didn't know how to get Ezra to keep talking. Vin almost smiled at that thought; keeping Ezra talking had never been a problem before.

"If'n you wanted me gone, why are you here now?" Vin asked.

Ezra looked away this time, staring into the fire at the end of the alleyway. "Because, I am sorry to say, when you left, I... I discovered that I wanted... needed your friendship more than I was worried for you," Ezra said almost matter-of-factly.

Vin stared in confusion. "I don't understand. Worried for me?"

Without thinking, he reached out and touched Ezra's knee. Ezra stiffened under the touch and once more Vin was reminded of a very frightened animal, a newly captured horse, quivering under his touch. He started to move his hand away, only to find it held tightly by Ezra.

Ezra straightened, turned, and smiled widely at the tracker. Vin sighed, he knew that look, that mask that meant the conman was back in control. "Your reputation, sir. As a consort I am not only the incorrect gender but also not the upstanding citizen the other members of our group would expect for you."

Anger ripped through Vin and he jerked his hand away. "Damn you, Ezra."

Before he could escape back into the wagon, Ezra grabbed his shoulder. "Vin, wait." Vin started; Ezra rarely called him by his given name. Reluctantly, Vin turned. Ezra smiled at him; he was still in control, but the smile was touched with sadness. "I truly mean that. A relationship with me would be dangerous and you need someone who... you deserve someone better than a untrustworthy gambler."

It was, Vin realized, the truth as far as Ezra was concerned. At the same time, he still saw the terror lingering in the beautiful green eyes. A shock hit him as he realized that what he had thought was Ezra's fear over being with a man, was actually fear for Vin. There was also determination and stubbornness in Ezra's gaze. Vin stared at the other man for a long time, searching for something to let him know how to respond. Finally, he looked to his own heart. What Ezra had done had hurt, and tonight he had only given him part of the truth. Still, under the maze of emotions in Ezra's eyes, was a soul-deep need for Vin to remain a friend. The warmth that settled in his chest could not be denied.

"Apology accepted, Ezra," he said softly.

Ezra took his hand, holding it firmly for a moment. The light in his eyes let Vin know that whatever pain he had suffered was minor compared to what the gambler had been going through.

"Thank you, Mister Tanner," Ezra said with a real smile. There was a moment of awkwardness before he turned away. "I will see you in the morning."

"Ezra," Vin called. "Um, I..." He hadn't really thought through what he was going to say before he spoke, but now he was committed. With a deep breath, he said, "Mary's teaching me to read."

For a moment, Ezra stared at him, trying to connect the statement with everything that had happened during the chilly night. Finally, he gave Vin a quiet smile. "Excellent. It would be an honor to lend you any of my books you might wish to--"

"Would you read some of those books of poetry to me?" Vin blurted. Vin knew that to gentle a scared horse you first had to win its trust. It took longer with people. Watching Ezra, Vin wondered if he understood the gesture.

A slow, real smile touched Ezra's face. "It would be my pleasure, sir."

It had become, much to Ezra's dismay, his favorite job. After his unnerving confession to Vin nearly six weeks earlier, they had been on night patrol eight times. He wasn't sure how that arrangement had come about. Chris seemed to have a sixth sense about when his men needed to work something out, and might have assigned them together for that reason; on the other hand, maybe Vin had requested him as a partner for the express purpose of having him read. Whatever had caused it to occur, he didn't care; Ezra knew only that the nights in the rolling hills had become very important to him.

"Eat up, Ezra," Vin said firmly.

"Me, Mister Tanner?" he joked. "I'm not the one Missus Wells said needed, what was it, oh yes, ‘more meat on his bones. '"

Vin smiled at him over the stew pot. "I don't know about meat, but it'll sure put some hair on your chest. I got the recipe from Inez."

Ezra frowned slightly. Vin seemed determined lately to go out of his way to mention Inez. Slowly the frown gave way to a smile that he carefully kept hidden. It was obvious that Vin, having accepted that he and Ezra couldn't be together, was now determined to play matchmaker. Ezra knew he would eventually have to put a stop to it but he was enjoying watching the man try to be subtle about it.

"Well, I can't speak for myself but I have it on good authority that Inez is a fine chef," he said.

"You've never et anything she's cooked?" Vin asked.

Putting a deliberate frown on his face, he said sadly, "No, she has never asked me and I have never felt the need to put more money in my mother's coffers by eating in the establishment."

That seemed to stop Vin for a moment, but only a moment. "I'm sure that Inez would be glad to whip you something up, if you were to ask nice."

"It is something to consider," Ezra said, trying to control his smile.

Picking up a plate, he put a goodly portion on it and leaned back against his saddle, pulling his heavy coat tighter. The nights were getting much colder; in only another few weeks they would see the first snows.

"Ah, for an Indian summer," he muttered quietly.

"Not this year," Vin said firmly. "All the signs say we're in for a long, cold one."

"Lovely," Ezra said, as he took a mouthful of stew. "Cold does nothing...."

His mouth was on fire. "Ep!!" He made a rolling dive for the canteen sitting next to Vin. Only Vin was quicker, snatching it out of his hand.

"No, no, water'll only make it worse," he said, smiling despite his warning.

Ezra managed to glare at him. "What...?"

Vin shoved the tin of butter at him. "Let it melt in your mouth."

Giving the man a dubious look, Ezra nevertheless followed his orders. The butter was hard and cold from being in Vin's saddlebags but it soothed the burning immediately. Ezra swallowed the lump with a sigh, dropping back on his saddle.

A quiet snicker sounded on the other side of the fire. Once more he managed to glare at Vin. "I'm pleased my discomfort gave you some measure of amusement, Mister Tanner."

"Sorry," Vin said, valiantly trying not to laugh. "But I ain't never seen anyone turn that color of red before."

The tracker gave in to his humor, smiling wide, the quiet snickers becoming real laughs. Ezra was able to maintain his glare for all of another ten seconds, then the first giggle hit him, then the second. He gave up trying to maintain his dignity, laughing at Vin laughing. A few minutes later he was wiping the tears off his face, amazed as he tried to remember the last time he had laughed so hard. He realized that it hadn't been that long ago, only a few weeks before, over some shenanigans between Buck and JD. Before that--he paused; before that, he couldn't recall ever laughing like that.

"Guess when she said one pepper she meant it," Vin suddenly said.

Ezra looked across the fire, suspicion narrowing his eyes. "And just how many of those little green devils did you see fit to add, Mister Tanner?"

Vin's face disappeared under his hat. "The whole jar."

Another laugh threatened to burst forth, but Ezra fought it off long enough to ask, "And why, pray tell, did you feel the need to improve on this recipe?"

Looking up, Vin said honestly, "Figured that was for city folk. Me and you are tougher than that."

Ezra bit his lower lip, then tried rubbing his thumb over his mouth. It wasn't working. He started to laugh again, just as hard. Vin glared at him, then joined into the merriment. It was several minutes before they could breathe again.

Finally, Vin found his breath and voice. "What we gonna do about supper?" he lamented.

"Well," Ezra drawled. "First, I suggest we bury this... toxic substance. Then we swear never to inform Inez. Finally, we make a meal from the remaining bacon and beans."

Half an hour later, with supper finished and supplies packed away, Ezra laid another log on the fire, moving closer to try to get warm. He looked up at Vin, waiting for the inevitable question that came after supper, the one that in eight trips he had never refused. But the first one from Vin tonight surprised him.

"Why don't you get your southern ass over here so we can both get warm?" Vin demanded.

"What?" Ezra stammered.

Vin met his eyes, smiling. "Well, I figure if you're gonna read, it's easier to do it closer together. We'll both stay warmer."

A trickle of worry touched Ezra. He shoved it away. Vin had taken his words to heart, the lust dying out of his eyes to be replaced by open friendship. Ezra had to admit that if there was any one of them who would understand about winter, it would be Vin. Grabbing his bedroll and the book from his saddlebag, he came around the small fire. He started to spread the roll out next to Vin, only to have the tracker grab it and combine it with his own. Vin then moved his saddle up next to the fire, leaning against it as he stretched parallel to the meager warmth. Patting the spot beside him, he waited for Ezra to sit down, wrapped them both in the blankets, and leaned back.

Ezra found himself drawn to the warm body next to him, to the strength in the slender figure. He slid closer, leaning partially on Vin's shoulder, relaxed, feeling safe and content. A flicker of worry touched his mind and he leaned away far enough to look up into Vin's eyes.

"I hope this is not an imposition, Mister Tanner. I would not want you to be uncomfortable with our situation."

"I'm the one suggested it, Ezra." With a smile, he cut to Ezra's real question, "And no, it ain't gonna get me hot and bothered."

Looking away so that Vin couldn't see the blush that touched his face, Ezra opened the book. "We seem to be encountering Mister Poe frequently in this collection," he commented quietly.

"Dark stuff," Vin commented.

Ezra looked up, surprised to find that he could see the fire reflected in Vin's dark blue eyes. "Would you prefer something else?" he asked.

Vin stared down at him. Softly, he quoted, "Then read from the treasured volume, the poem of thy choice. And lend to the rhyme of the poet, the beauty of thy voice."

Ezra stared into the complicated eyes. "You remembered that stanza?" he whispered.

"Yeah." Vin's voice was low and silky. "It reminded me of you."

For one insane instant, Ezra thought Vin was going to kiss him and for one insane moment, Ezra wanted him to. But Vin only gestured toward the open book, breaking the spell, releasing Ezra from images both terrifying and wonderful.

The gambler took a deep breath. "Gaily benighted, a gallant knight..."

Two

Vin heard Ezra's scream over the gunfire.

"Ezra?" Vin bolted from the safety of the barrels, sprinting across the street. Buck ran from the other street at an angle toward him. From somewhere Nathan joined them.

"I've got him, Buck! Follow Chris!" Nathan yelled.

"Vin?" Ezra pleaded, twisting in pain, hands clenched futilely over the spurting wound. "Hurts... Damn, never been... shot before. Damn...."

"Easy, Ezra. I'm right here," Vin said firmly, not looking at the gambler, but scanning the street. He was standing nearly astride Nathan's legs, gun out and ready.

"Vin!" Nathan ordered. "I need help here."

Hearing the gunshots fading around him, Vin holstered his weapon and dropped down next to where Ezra lay between the water trough and the boardwalk. He nearly gasped at what he saw. Blood had sprayed out of the wound, soaking the ground for several feet around them, covering Nathan and Ezra. Already the gambler was looking dazed and pale, his writhing growing less frantic. What surprised Vin was that Nathan didn't have his hand over the wound, but was pressing with all his considerable strength at the junction of Ezra's leg and body, just at the groin.

"What'a I do?" Vin asked, voice shaky.

"I gotta keep hold of this," Nathan explained. "We need to get him upstairs. Get someone...."

"I'm here," Josiah's deep voice assured them from just behind Vin. Neither man had even heard him come up.

Ezra pleaded again. "Hurts... Vin...."

With his free hand, Nathan turned Ezra's face toward him. "You're gonna be okay, Ezra. But I need you to stay real still." Getting a weak nod, Nathan said, "Josiah, get his legs; Vin, take his shoulders. Go slow so I don't slip."

Vin looked down at the man being carried carefully toward Nathan's clinic. A few inches below Nathan's hand, he could see the bright red blood leaking steadily out of the gunshot wound. Moving as quickly as they dared, the three men carried Ezra to the clinic, leaving a bloody trail behind them. Josiah started to move his burden to the bed but Nathan shook his head.

"Table. I can see better there."

The table rocked slightly under Ezra's weight, and his legs dangled over the edge from the knees down. The town was quiet now, but none of the others appeared, and new worry filled Vin.

Vin began to wonder if he should try to find out what was going on outside. Josiah took away the decision by saying, "I'm going to check on the others."

Vin nodded. Nathan still had one hand pressed to Ezra's groin, his other hand resting on the gambler's chest to check his pulse and breathing. Ezra gave him a weak smile but Vin could see the jade eyes growing hazy. Fear lanced through him.

"Nathan?" Vin questioned.

The dark healer swallowed and looked up, his hand staying on Ezra's chest. In a soft voice, obviously not wanting to upset Ezra, he said, "Artery's hit. We've got to get the bullet out and close that artery."

"What do you want me to do?" Vin said, fighting down the fear of losing this man who had become very important to him.

"I'm gonna move my hand. Put yours there and hold on to him tight. That's all, just hold on. I'll do the rest."

Vin nodded, noting the exact spot Nathan was pressing, ignoring the slow trickle. "Ready," he confirmed.

What he wasn't ready for was the fountain of blood that shot out of the wound, spraying the table, hitting him in the chest. Then his hand was once more pressing down, feeling the rapid pulse in the artery. He looked at Ezra, flinched at the sight of the blood that had splattered across his pale face. The green eyes, though, were staring back at him, blinking.

"Nathan, he's still awake."

"Let me get this cut, then I'll get the ether."

Vin broke the fading jade gaze. Nathan slipped a pair of scissors through the bullet hole in the pants -- and Ezra threw himself away from them.

"No!" He flipped off the table, blood once more hitting the walls of the small wooden clinic.

"God damn it!" Nathan's curse startled Vin as they both dove for the gambler.

Nathan landed on Ezra's legs, holding them down as Vin somehow managed to get his hand back into place.

"No, don't." Ezra tried again to pull away.

"Ezra!" Vin nearly shouted. "It's me and Nathan. Look at me!"

Ezra looked, blinking. "Vin? Please don't...."

"Ezra," Nathan said quietly. "I've got to get to the wound. You've got to hold still! If you keep moving you're going to bleed to death."

"Let me," Ezra said quietly. Then his eyes closed and his body relaxed as the blood loss finally took him into unconsciousness.

Vin took a sharp breath at the request. Nathan shook his head, already moving around and gathering the supplies he would need. "That was the wound talking, Vin. Don't pay it no mind."

As much as Vin wanted to believe him, he had seen the look in Ezra's eyes, had watched the terror crowd out the light and hope. Not correcting the healer, he continued to hold his friend's life together while Nathan lifted Ezra back onto the table.

The door opened and Chris stepped into the room. Vin glanced up and saw the others standing behind him. To his relief, no one else seemed hurt.

"Nathan?" Chris questioned in a quiet voice.

"Cain't tell yet," Nathan said shortly.

Understanding that he was dismissed, Chris asked, "Anything we can do?"

"Pray."

Chris nodded and closed the door behind him.

Twenty minutes later, the dark healer leaned away from the wound and said quietly, "Okay, Vin, let up. But be ready in case it leaks."

As the pressure eased, Vin held his breath. A minute passed, then another, with no more of the scarlet trail. Both men took a deep breath, the first, it seemed, since Ezra had yelled on the street.

"Nathan?" Vin put all of his questions into the single word.

A smile graced Nathan's face as he looked up. "I think he's gonna be okay. He's gonna be sick and weak for a while till his blood builds back up, though, so we're gonna have to be careful with him."

The relieved smiles faded from both men as their thoughts turned to Ezra's earlier statement, to his desperate fight to keep them away from him.

Nathan frowned. "Vin, he probably ain't even gonna remember any of this."

Vin nodded, his hand sweeping Ezra's sweat drenched forehead. "I'd best go tell the others, they'll be worried."

"Yeah, they're also gonna want to see him," Nathan observed. "Let's get him cleaned up. All this blood's gonna scare JD."

"Yeah, that boy can worry," Vin agreed.

"There's some rags over there." Nathan pointed. "I'll get these pants cut off him, then bandage over those stitches while you get him out of the shirt and washed up. Then we'll get him to the bed."

Vin turned to retrieve the rags, empty the now bloody bowl of water and re-fill it. He swallowed hard, trying not to think about how pale and still Ezra had been under his hands. Nathan thought he would be okay--that was good enough for him. For the first time he noticed the sound of quiet voices on the landing outside. That brought a smile. He knew Ezra would be surprised to find all the others so worried about him.

"Oh sweet Jesus," Nathan breathed quietly behind him.

Vin spun, scared by the whispered benediction. Nathan was leaning shakily one-handed on the table, scissors dangling loosely in his other hand. Vin stared at Ezra's nearly nude form--and the blood drained down to his stomach, leaving him lightheaded. With slow, careful moves, he set the pitcher of water back on the sidebar, then took an unsteady step toward the gambler.

Someone had used a knife on Ezra, sloppily and extensively. Vin had to take several breaths to control the nausea that threatened to take over.

"Dear Lord," he muttered.

"This is what he didn't want us to see," Nathan said in a choked voice, his hand running through Ezra's bloody hair.

Scars marred Ezra's groin. One ran the length of his cock, circling it like a barber's pole; the foreskin had been cut twice, front and back, leaving it loose over the head; two more marks, each four inches long, ran just at the edge of the nearly black hair. One testicle was gone, the other scarred with a deep cut that went nearly halfway across.

Vin sat down hard in the chair Nathan had been using. He'd heard of this kind of thing; in prisons, from jealous husbands. But looking on his friend's pain started a tightness in his chest that threatened to come out as a sob.

A hand touched his shoulder. He looked up to find sympathy coloring Nathan's eyes. "Come on. Let's finish up 'fore the others charge in here."

Swallowing the sob, Vin nodded, not trusting his voice. They worked quickly and silently until Nathan eased the blankets up to cover the injured man. Vin reached out and stroked down Ezra's throat.

"He's cold," he said.

"That's the blood loss," Nathan answered levelly.

Vin looked up, catching Nathan's dark gaze. "Nathan, Ezra wouldn't want ...."

A sad, understanding look touched the healer's handsome face. "Just you and me, Vin."

Turning to the door, Vin forced himself to think only about how much worse it could have been, of how Ezra could have died under his hands. That thought was infinitely more sobering that what had been done to him. With a partially shaky smile, Vin opened the door to four anxious faces.

"He's gonna be okay," he said firmly.

Chris stepped forward, studying Vin's face. Vin knew he must be pale and worn, knew that, of all of them, Larabee would be the one to see through any lie. His eyes met the dark green-blue of his best friend, letting him see the relief and grief, hoping that the black- clad leader would only think it was from the near loss of one of them. After a minute, Chris laid his hand on Vin's shoulder.

"Good job, boys," he said, nodding to Nathan as he walked inside.

It was Josiah who looked the most concerned as he filed past. He had seen the blood, the way Ezra had been fading. Laying a hand on both Vin and Nathan's shoulders, he said, "God smiled on all of us today."

Buck smiled as he walked by. "I told you, JD. Didn't I? Ain't nothing gonna keep that ol' card cheat down for long."

"Vin?" Nathan said. "Go get cleaned up."

Looking at both of them, Vin realized with another lurch to his stomach that they were covered in as much dried blood as Ezra had been.

"Both of you go," Chris ordered, standing next to Ezra's shoulder.

Buck nodded. "Ya both look like you been rode hard and put away wet."

"I need to stay, case...." Nathan started.

"We'll stay," Josiah assured him. "And we'll call if you're needed."

It was more the need to be alone, than the exhaustion and blood, that finally made Vin nod. "I'll be back in a couple--"

"No," Nathan said firmly. "We're gonna take it in shifts. He'll be out for awhile."

A moment later they had agreed on shifts. Though Vin didn't say anything, he had every intention of staying nearby the whole time. As he started to leave, Nathan laid another blanket over the gambler, tucking it in tight.

"Keep him covered and the room as warm as you can," he ordered.

They walked in silence toward the hotel, knowing it was the only place they could get a bath that late at night. They were stopped by two passersby who asked about the wounded lawman. There was genuine concern there and it made Vin feel a little better. When they reached the hotel, Missus Miller took one look at them and ordered the tubs filled without being asked. Nathan patted Vin's arm as they separated.

Half an hour later Vin sat in the warm water, slowly scrubbing the blood off his hands and arms. He watched, fascinated, as the water around him turned a ghastly shade of pink. Putting his head on his arms and leaning forward onto his upraised knees, he gave into the sorrow and cried for Ezra.

+ + + + + + +

Ezra woke to confusing memories and a massive headache. Easing his eyes open, he immediately recognized Nathan's clinic, the room dark and silent. Through the window he could see the pale gold light of dawn. He remembered the gunfight, the shots and shouts, the pain that ripped through his leg; there were images of Vin and Nathan, blood in his eyes and....

"Oh, dear Lord," he pleaded to an entity he no longer believed in.

He shifted slightly to confirm what he already knew; there was nothing between him and the blankets. Before he could even begin to catalog the maze of emotions that whirled around him, someone touched his arm.

"Ezra?" Nathan asked softly. "Come on, open your eyes."

Ezra only gave a short, harsh laugh. "Why, Mister Jackson?" he returned weakly. "I have no desire to see what you are currently thinking of me."

"What?" Nathan sounded confused.

"Tell him, Nathan," Vin's voice ordered from near the door.

Despite his fear and shame, Ezra opened his eyes, needing, if only for the last time, to see Vin. The tracker was leaning just inside the door, his figure haloed by the rising sun. Deep regret over the loss of what he had just found hit Ezra as hard as the pain of his wound. As Ezra lay still, waiting for the words that would cut him adrift, Vin walked over to stand near the end of the bed. The blue eyes, barely visible in the growing light, met his, and what Ezra read in them made him take a quick breath with the hope that rose in his chest.

"Go on, Nathan," Vin urged in his liquid silver voice, soft and calming. "Tell him what you see."

With a jerk, Ezra turned his eyes toward the dark healer. To his amazement there was only concern and truth in the black eyes. "What I see?" Nathan paused and pondered. "I see a man that I wouldn't trust with my money far enough to throw a dead horse. I see a man I would trust to guard my back and who I am proud to have at my side."

Very slowly, Ezra took his eyes from Nathan and looked once more at Vin. The tracker nodded and in a slow drawl said, "Guess that pretty much means we both see the same man we saw yesterday."

All his experiences, all his carefully learned self-preservation screamed at Ezra that he couldn't trust what they were saying. He flinched away from that word, from the trust he would have to show in order to stay. The headache was increasing and it seemed as if the thoughts were pressing him down.

A hand touched his, making him open eyes that he hadn't realized he had closed. Vin was sitting where Nathan had been, holding a cup out for him.

"Drink this," he ordered gently.

Strong hands, Nathan's, eased him up a little and he swallowed the cup of herbal tea. Two more cups of plain, wonderful water followed, then his head was laid down. Not wanting to wonder about the questions before him, he asked, "Any of our colleagues injured?"

"Just lucky you," Vin whispered. "Go to sleep now. One of us will be here."

Once more Ezra felt the darkness call to him. The memory of wanting it to end with the gunshot flickered through his mind. Though the haze of pain and desperation, he remembered with crystal clarity the stricken look on the handsome tracker's face. Forcing tired muscles to respond, he laid his hand on Vin's. "Didn't mean it."

Instant understanding flashed into the warm eyes, bringing a crooked smile to Vin's face. "I know."

One more question refused to let him go into the darkness. Tightening his hold on the slender hand under his, Ezra whispered, "Do the others...?"

Vin's hand flipped over, holding his in a firm, steady grip. "No. Just Nathan and me."

Relieved, Ezra returned the pressure on his hand, and let himself drift into the darkness.

+ + + + + + +

"You thinking 'bout the fight?" Chris sipped on the whiskey Vin had poured for him. He looked over at the tracker, seeing his thoughtful look.

Still staring at his glass, Vin nodded very slightly. "I didn't see much after Ezra got hit but the first part sure seemed... strange."

"Yeah," Chris agreed. "They didn't try to steal anything. Seems like the only reason they were here was to shoot at us."

That brought the vivid eyes up to meet his. Vin frowned. "Now that you mention, it did seem like they were more interested in seeing how many of us there were."

"And how we fought. Two of them went for Buck, almost like they were looking for him," Chris remembered. "None of them came near me."

"Think they were testing for something bigger?" Vin questioned.

A chill went down Chris' back. "I don't know but I don't like it. Double the patrols and I want someone with Ezra." Chris noticed the quick glance that gained him.

Vin asked quietly, "You think they might come back after him?"

"Why chance it?" Chris turned and stared out the double swinging doors. "I'm gonna wire the judge, see if he might have heard about anything."

"Nathan was going to let Ezra move back to his room in two days," Vin volunteered. "I can watch him the first night."

Chris glanced at his friend again. He had figured out about the reading lessons with Mary and the reason behind Vin's request of being teamed with Ezra on night patrol. While he liked Vin at his back, he had been happy to oblige if it made Vin less worried about not being able to read. Hiding his smile behind the glass he wondered at how civilized Vin was getting these days, and how much influence the gambler was having on him.

+ + + + + + +

Ezra lay back in bed with a sigh that seemed to come from the bottom of his toes. Vin smiled, watching the gambler close his eyes in sheer joy.

"I do believe," Ezra said slowly, "that Mister Jackson has that particularly uncomfortable bed just so that one will feel so much better upon reaching his own."

Nodding, Vin said, "Five days must have felt like hell in that little cot."

Stretching back, Ezra said, "A masterful understatement."

The jade eyes met his, and Vin was relieved to see that the worry that had first appeared in Ezra's eyes while he had been at the clinic had vanished. The look had at first made Vin angry but he came to the realization that maybe the gambler's distrust had something to do with the scarring and so had tried not to take it personally.

"Vin?"

Vin jerked his wandering thoughts back to the present, to the man on the bed. Ezra was watching him in concern now.

"Is there something wrong, Mister Tanner?" Ezra asked smoothly.

The question was far too smooth, proving to Vin that Ezra knew what he had been thinking. There had been no mention of the old wounds since that single conversation at Nathan's. At first Ezra had been extremely edgy around Vin. Strangely, it didn't seem to extend to Nathan. Perhaps Ezra reasoned that as a helper in the war, he would have seen worse. Or maybe he figured that as his doctor, if not in name then in practice, that Nathan would not say anything. After accepting the fact that Vin was going to help tend him, he gradually lost the nervousness. Vin hesitated, torn between wanting to ask a thousand questions and wanting to respect his friend's privacy and pride. Swallowing the questions, he shook his head.

"Nah, just need to know if'n you want help getting settled in," Vin said levelly.

Ezra rolled to the edge of the bed, sitting up carefully against the dizziness that Nathan had said might last a while longer. "Thank you, Mister Tanner, but I will be fine."

At that, he brought his leg up to remove his boot. Vin watched the color drain from his face, saw the way he slammed his leg back to the hard floor to catch his balance.

Vin shook his head. Kneeling on the floor in front of Ezra, he said slowly, "'Pears my idea of fine ain't the same as yours."

Keeping Ezra's leg straight, he pulled the boot off, then reached for the other one. He waited, expecting protest, but was able to remove the other boot in silence. When he looked up, it was into green eyes awash with tenderness. Despite his best effort, despite everything that told him not to, Vin reached up and let his fingertips trail slowly down Ezra's smooth cheek. Even as his hand moved, even as he reveled in the soft skin and warmth, he was waiting for Ezra to knock his hand away.

Vin watched, unable to do anything, as Ezra's hand came up toward his. To his immense pleasure and everlasting amazement, Ezra's fingers tightened around his wrist and pressed his hand full against his cheek. It was only for an instant, a moment Vin would treasure, then Ezra pulled his hand down. He met Ezra's gaze again, and had to take a quick breath at the way the tenderness had darkened the beautiful eyes.

With a smile Vin eased his hand away. "Let's get you undressed so's I can check that bandage. Nathan sent some more of that tea over, said you should drink it 'fore bed."

"More tea, oh everlasting joy," Ezra said sarcastically.

The shorter man unbuttoned his pants, allowing Vin to gently ease them down. He removed the shirt by himself while Vin watched, making sure he didn't get too dizzy. Vin handed him his heavy flannel nightshirt. As Ezra slipped into the garment, Vin retrieved the now room temperature tea. Ezra gave him a look of misery at having to drink it, but didn't complain. He had given up on getting any sympathy from either Nathan or Vin. Vin knew that Ezra had managed to con JD out of making him drink the bitter concoction.

When Ezra was dressed, Vin slid an arm under his and steadied him while he turned down the bed. Ezra eased under the covers with a sigh and smile. When he lay back, though, he managed to glare at Vin.

"Mister Tanner," he said firmly. "If you attempt to tuck me in or kiss me goodnight, I shall be forced to resort to violence."

Encouraged that Ezra could once more kid about things with him, Vin only said, "How 'bout if I read to you tonight?"

That bought him a look of absolute incredulity. Vin gave a little shrug. "Okay, not reading exactly, more like reciting."

"You remember the poems I have been reading to you?" Ezra said with a touch of disbelief.

The doubt went straight to Vin's insecurity over his lack of reading. "I'm not stupid, Ezra. Just 'cause I can't read don't mean I can't remember things."

A flash of hurt colored the gambler's face. "I didn't mean to imply anything derogatory, Vin. It's a wonderful gift to remember poetry. It is something that, except for a few rare exceptions, I have never had a talent for."

Seeing that he had hurt the other man, Vin sat on the edge of the bed. "Ain't no talent, just something I can do."

Taking the words as the apology they were indeed, Ezra smiled and said, "Then please continue, Mister Tanner."

Vin shifted, moving down to sit on the floor, eyes level with his friend. He knew that Ezra wouldn't be awake long enough to hear very much. He decided to recite one of the many Walt Whitman poems that had spoken to his heart. A little hesitantly, he started.

"HERE, take this gift, I was reserving it for some hero, speaker, or general,
One who should serve the good old cause, the great idea, the progress and freedom of the race,
Some brave confronter of despots, some daring rebel;
But I see that what I was reserving belongs to you just as much as to any."

Ezra's eyes had drifted closed by the third line, but in a dreamy whisper, he said, "You have a beautiful voice, Vin."

"Thanks, Ezra," Vin returned in just as soft a whisper.

A smile touched Ezra's face as his breathing evened out into sleep. Vin sat for a minute staring at the gambler, trying to figure out what do next. The horrifying discovery hadn't changed how much he wanted Ezra. It had made him realize what he wanted wasn't about sex, it was about everything. Reaching out he barely stroked the fine brown hair just above Ezra's temple.

"O YOU whom I often and silently come where you are that I may be with you,
As I walk by your side or sit near, or remain in the same room with you,
Little you know the subtle electric fire that for your sake is playing within me."

With a featherlight kiss to Ezra's hair, Vin grabbed the extra blanket draped over the end of Ezra's bed and made himself comfortable on the floor.

+ + + + + + +

Ezra woke with a start, gasping in the pitch darkness. The nightmare images followed him into wakefulness, leaving him near panting. A hand touched his.

"Ezra?"

For an instant he was terrified, then the voice registered as one he knew, one he trusted, something he had not allowed himself in a very long time. The last time he had trusted ....

"Ezra?" Vin asked quietly, worry creeping into his voice.

"I'm fine," Ezra managed to whisper.

Vin seemed to sense his need, and light from the lantern illuminated the small room, shedding light on the night-brought terrors, not chasing them away but rather bringing them into sharp focus. Nausea gripped him; he rolled off the bed, going to his knees, grabbing the wash basin in time to vomit into it. A hand touched his back, rubbing in sympathy. He closed his eyes, needing and dreading the touch. The soothing hand stopped and he heard Vin moving behind him. A minute later a wet rag was pushed into his hand. Taking it, still not daring to turn towards his friend, he wiped his face. Collecting himself, he stood up, reaching for the glass of water Vin had put on the sideboard in front of him. He rinsed his mouth and spit into the basin.

Vin's hand came down on his shoulder. "It's okay, Ezra, I'm right here."

Ezra took a deep breath, put his control firmly into place and turned to face the man he had come to care about. "That, Mister Tanner, is the problem."

The blue eyes filled with confusion. "Ezra...."

Raising a hand to stop the questions, he said patiently, "The nightmare I just experienced had nothing to do with my unfortunate injuries. " Ezra swallowed hard, trying desperately to contain his emotions. "It was about you."

Vin stared at him a minute, then his eyes closed in understanding. "You dreamed about someone cutting me."

"Yes," Ezra whispered, terrified to hear the dream spoken aloud. "That's the reason you must stay away from me. It would be too easy for someone to discern your desires."

Vin swallowed hard against the truth he could make out of Ezra's words. "Someone did that to you because...."

"Because they discovered my desire for another man," Ezra finished in a level voice.

The sapphire blue eyes met his. Ezra took another breath, a shiver going down his back at the desire and determination in Vin's gaze. The tracker moved closer, not touching but close enough that Ezra could feel the warmth from the slender body.

"It ain't gonna happen, Ezra," Vin said firmly. "I ain't leaving and I ain't gonna get hurt." Ezra started to argue, only to have a single finger seal his lips shut. "I'm not gonna let anyone hurt you again, Ezra. And we got friends here ...."

The single word renewed all Ezra's terror. With a move he didn't really have the strength for he pushed Vin back onto the bed. "Friends! Friends? Is that what you believe? That we are safe because our friends will afford us protection? God damn it, who the hell do you think did this to me? They were my friends!"

Breaking the connection with Vin's startled gaze was the hardest thing Ezra could ever remember doing. Turning away, he stared at the wall above his dresser.

"Leave, Mister Tanner, there's nothing for you here."

The pain and fear in Ezra's voice brought an echo of agony to Vin's chest. With just a few words, he had learned more about why Ezra was like he was than he had in almost two years. Pushing himself off the bed, he came up behind the shorter man, watching his muscles tighten under the soft flannel.

"You're wrong, Ezra," he whispered. "There's everything for me here. And for you, if you'll just trust me enough to take it."

The gambler whipped around, grabbing the end of his nightshirt and ripping it off over his head. The move was too much for Ezra and he went to his knees, dodging Vin's grab. Vin backed off, seeing the anger and self-hatred in the expressive eyes.

Struggling up with one hand on the dresser, Ezra hissed, "Look at me! Look at me. Is this what you are willing to risk? Is this worth a few months' illicit pleasure with someone who can't even return your passion?"

For an instant, Vin's hard to find temper threatened to erupt. Until he looked into those jade eyes and saw how hard Ezra was trying to push him away. He didn't have the physical strength but he had the words and knew how to use them.

"Passion? Do you think this is about fucking?" Vin asked. "Is that what you think I want? Ezra, if all we ever do is hold each other I would be happy."

Ezra wouldn't look up; he only shook his head, hanging on to the dresser with a white knuckled grip. "Please, I am begging you, Vin, please leave this alone."

The plea was from so deep in Ezra's soul that Vin stepped away, almost turned toward the door. Only the ache in his own heart stopped him. He knew, in the same place that Ezra's fear existed, he knew they belonged together. He knew that he could make Ezra happy and maybe even whole. Drawing on that feeling, he stepped back, put one finger under Ezra's chin and raised his face. Ezra still refused to meet his eyes.

"Ezra, look at me," Vin ordered gently. There was a long pause, then the jade eyes met his. "Tell me you can't feel this between us? Tell me it ain't strong enough to beat that fear? Look at me, and tell me to go away, and I will."

It was the hardest thing he had ever had to say, a promise he desperately hoped he wouldn't have to fulfill. For a single instant, he saw the lie form on Ezra's lips, but the truth that shone in his eyes could not be denied: the need for someone, the hope for something more. Still, the gambler tried. His hand came over, tightened around Vin's wrist.

"Vin, I can't... I am not even...." he pleaded.

Not fighting the hold, Vin leaned forward; slowly, carefully, he brushed his lips over Ezra's cheek. "I love you and that's all there is to it."

He eased away far enough to look into Ezra's gaze, but Ezra had his eyes tightly closed, obviously fighting Vin's confession with everything in him. Vin waited. It was the sign of a good hunter, patience, and he had plenty. Finally, after what seemed like forever, Ezra looked at him. The hope and fear had darkened his eyes to near black in the meager light. Ezra dropped the tight hold on Vin's wrist, his hand touched lightly to Vin's cheek.

"I would ask for one promise, Vin," he said levelly.

Suspicion made Vin say, "Maybe."

The hedging answer gained him a quick smile. "If anyone discovers our tryst, if there is even the slightest hint of impropriety--you will deny everything. You will let me bear the rumors and any other consequences."

"Ezra," Vin started, "there is no way on God's green earth I'm gonna let you get hurt again."

The green eyes flashed in surprising anger and determination. "Promise! Or I shall walk out of this room and never come back."

Seeing what that statement cost him, Vin very reluctantly nodded. "My word, Ezra. Anyone finds out, I'll keep quiet."

It was enough. Vin watched the fear fade to a manageable level, watched hope lighten the beautiful eyes, watched exhaustion fill Ezra's face. He moved closer and finally, finally wrapped his arms around Ezra's waist, holding him at arm's length, letting himself feel the hard muscles and warm skin. Ezra's eyes onc

more slipped closed, but this time Vin had seen the desire and caring. Vin pulled him closer at the same time as Ezra leaned in, his arms going around Vin.

"I've wanted this for a long time, Ezra," Vin whispered. Ezra was silent and Vin could feel the heavier body shaking in his hold. "Damn, you're shaking like a leaf. Let's get you back in bed."

Ezra's head moved against Vin's chest. He tilted his head back, and smiled up at Vin. "In a while, just... I'd like to try that goodnight kiss I was so wrong to reject before."

The love that Ezra would probably never be able to voice, hit Vin like a mule kick. Vin claimed his mouth, lips sealing over Ezra's, which hesitantly opened in welcome. With a growl of desire, Vin slipped his tongue deep into Ezra's mouth, tasting the slight metal as he touched over the gold tooth, sighing as Ezra's tongue tangled with his. Holding Ezra even closer, lost in the feel of warm skin and wet flesh, Vin took Ezra's tongue into his mouth, swirling around, sucking it. A deep moan filled his mouth as Ezra sagged in his hold.

"Found a way to shut you up," Vin said with a smile.

Ezra was breathing hard, his mouth slightly opened. To Vin's horror, Ezra paled and took a staggering step toward the bed. "Vin, I believe I should sit down."

Guiding him down, Vin went to his knees in front of the other man. "Damn, Ezra, I'm sorry. You ain't got enough blood to even be standing up."

Agile fingers carded through his hair, twirling in the long strands. "It was wonderful. I just...."

Once more Vin cut him off with a kiss, a light, soft brush of lips over Ezra's cheeks. Reaching behind him, he snagged the nightshirt, very carefully slipped it over Ezra's head and pulled it down. "Sleep now," Vin ordered.

Ezra's answer was a wide yawn as he let Vin ease him down to the pillows. "Do not expect me to be quite so cooperative all the time, Mister Tanner."

Vin smiled. "Oh, I know that. You can be stubborn as a jackass."

"Pots and kettles." Ezra's eyes started to drift closed. "Vin, would you recite for me, please?"

The request took Vin by surprise but he moved closer, taking the same position he had held earlier. "Only if'n you promise not to get outta this bed till I get back tomorrow."

A single green eye opened and glared at him. "I am in my own comfortable bed, have several people who have volunteered to bring me breakfast and have no duties for another fortnight, why would I want to move anywhere?"

Laughing, Vin leaned forward and kissed him on the nose. "Good." Resting his arm on the bed so that he could stroke Ezra's cheek, Vin brought to mind a piece by Longfellow and said,

"The fountains mingle with the river
And the rivers with the Ocean,
The winds of Heaven mix forever
With a sweet emotion;
Nothing in the world is single;
All things by a law divine
In one spirit meet and mingle.
Why not I with thine?"

+ + + + + + +

He patiently laid the cards out in neat even rows, scanned them, shifted a few then counted off three from the top of the remaining deck. He once more glanced out the window to the street below. It had been Mary bringing dinner near noon that had awakened Ezra. He had kept his promise, staying in bed, spending the hours of Vin's shift in a deep, healing sleep. Two hours after his meal, he broke the promise by walking carefully to the hall and a chair by the window that overlooked main street. Inez had scowled at him, then brought him a pitcher of water and some tortillas. Remembering Nathan's instructions, he had sipped on the water all afternoon, determined to regain his strength as soon as possible. Glancing below he watched with a slight smile as JD walked along next to Casey; they seemed to be arguing, as usual.

"Boy just cain't figure it out."

Ezra jumped at Buck's quiet voice. "Mister Wilmington, you should warn a person when you intend to cause death by fright."

Buck only gave him a big smile, grabbed a chair and pulled it over next to him. At one time, Ezra would have been annoyed at having his personal space invaded without so much as a word. That was before he had returned to a godforsaken Indian village to help six men he barely knew, before he had looked into icy green eyes and knew he would follow Chris Larabee anywhere, before he had looked into warm blue eyes and discovered what his future looked like.

Flipping over the next card, Ezra frowned and gathered the game.

"Giving up a little easy there, Ezra," Buck joked.

"There are some games, Mister Wilmington, that one knows instinctively cannot be won," Ezra drawled as he stood and stretched. He smiled at Buck. "I would have thought our enthusiastic young sheriff would have sought your wisdom with the fairer sex so as to avoid the terminal embarrassment he seems to experience with Miss Wells."

Putting on a sorrowful expression, Buck said, "I have tried, Lord knows. But the boy just don't listen."

Ezra reached for the pitcher, only to have Buck pour and hand him the water. He nodded slightly. "And what words of amorous advice have you offered him?"

"Oh, you know, moonlight rides, carrying things for her, poetry," Buck smiled at Ezra again. "Maybe I oughta tell him to borrow some of them books of yours."

"Yes," Ezra said with a quiet smile. "They have been known to work even on the most reluctant of subjects."

As if suddenly remembering why he had come upstairs, Buck asked, "How's the leg, pard?"

Jerked out of thoughts of Vin, Ezra eased a little more weight on the limb in question and nodded. "Thanks to Mister Tanner and Mister Jackson, it seems to be healing well."

A hard slap on his back nearly knocked him down. "Good. Nurse it for all you can or ol' Chris'll have you out on that cold trail soon."

Before Ezra could reply, he saw Vin pull his horse to a stop at the jail across the street. He could see Vin's breath coloring the cold air, could see the extra coat he had put over the ever-present buffalo shirt. As much as he wanted to rush down and welcome his friend home, Ezra knew he was going to be in trouble. He turned too quickly, nearly falling before Buck's strong hand steadied him.

"Whoa there, Ezra, don't go passing out on me."

"Mister Wilmington, if it is not too much bother, I may require your assistance back to my room."

Buck glanced out the window, curious as to what had panicked his companion. Ezra watched the dark blue eyes fill with amusement. "Not supposed to be out here, are you?"

Knowing when lying would only complicate things, Ezra shook his head. "No. And Mister Jackson will not be pleased with me."

Laughing, Buck tightened his hand on Ezra's arm and eased him toward his room. "He won't hear anything from me, Ezra."

Something in his tone made Ezra regard him through narrowed eyes. "And the recompense?"

"Oh, let's just say the next time we're in Eagle Bend, I think my poker skills will have improved."

Buck's wide easy smile and warm eyes brought a smile to Ezra's face. "Mister Wilmington, if Mister Larabee accuses me of corrupting you, I will be forced to plead innocent."

"Hell, Ezra, Chris knows I was bad long 'fore you came along!"

They made it to the room just as Vin's voice drifted up from the saloon downstairs. Only it was not the calm voice that Ezra was waiting to hear.

"Buck! We gotta ride!"

They turned as one, Ezra forgetting his promise completely as he let Buck support him down the stairs. Vin's blue eyes lit with pleasure and anger as Buck eased Ezra into a chair.

"Ezra, you ain't s'posed to be...."

"What's going on?" JD's excited voice cut in before Vin could get seriously into his lecture.

"Met up with a posse from Jasper." Vin cut right to the point. "They have a lead on the Spivek gang. Chris thinks if we ride northeast we might catch 'em 'tween us."

Inez appeared out of nowhere and shoved a glass of water into Vin's hand. "I'll pack some food. JD, come back when you have the horses ready."

"Yes, ma'am," JD acknowledged, already running for the door.

Buck slapped Vin on the arm. "Catch your breath a minute there, pard. I'll get you a fresh horse while you grab some grub and more water."

Ezra pushed himself out of the chair, walking unsteadily toward the bar. "Mister Wilmington, if you would be so kind as to saddle...."

The answer was a hearty laugh from Buck and an open-mouthed stare from Vin. "Ezra," Buck said with a serious glare. "Did your brains leak out with all that blood? I had to help you down the stairs, remember?"

Forcing his legs to hold steady, Ezra said, "The Spivek gang is large and notorious. Their horrendous actions during the latest stage robbery confirm that they will not surrender easily. We will need...."

The room took that moment to do a quick spin and he was forced to grab the edge of the bar. A hand slipped under his arm and he looked up into warm blue eyes. Vin shook his head. "Come on, back to bed with you."

"But Mister Larabee will expect...."

"Mister Larabee will expect you to be able to stay on a horse," Chris' voice carried over the building excitement in the saloon. The tall gunslinger closed with them. Even after two years, Ezra was surprised at the concern in the man's grim expression. "Git, Ezra, you ain't gonna do no one no good."

With a deep breath, Ezra nodded slightly, admitting that he would only get someone hurt if he insisted on going. "Very well, I will keep a watch on the town while you are seeking the villains."

Nathan appeared at his side. "The only thing you gonna be watching is the inside of your eyelids. I'll watch the town and you."

Ezra's attention turned toward the dark healer. "You're staying? Why?"

"Because I'm not convinced that trouble from last week is over," Chris said shortly.

Ezra's eyes widened at this admission. He had been too weak and sleeping too much for it to occur to him until now, but he had never been alone for very long. There was, he knew, more to it than that.

Before he could ask, Vin's hand, which had stayed under his arm, urged him to move toward the stairs. "Come on, pard."

A minute later Vin closed the door behind them. Ezra turned, suddenly feeling very awkward. Running his thumb along his bottom lip, he said quietly, "Vin, I understand that words spoken in the dark of night sometimes...."

Strong arms pulled him against a lean body. He looked up into those beautiful eyes and a jolt of something he couldn't begin to name went through him. It was so startling that his mouth dropped open a little. Vin claimed it. If last night had been gentle and understanding, the touch now was filled with fire and passion. Ezra broke away, panting.

"Vin...."

"Shouldn't take long," Vin promised, kissing along his chin. "Then we'll figure out how to get out of town for a few days. Ride up to the old Swison place."

Easing away, Ezra said hoarsely, "You have to leave. If you stay, certain parts of your anatomy will give away our secret long before we get a chance to do anything about it."

He tried to keep his tone light, but a shiver of fear went down his back. It must have shown in his eyes, because Vin stroked carefully down his cheek.

"No one will know." The lean tracker kissed him chastely on the forehead. "Be careful. Something's not right here."

"I would remind you of the same."

Vin tilted his head and again took Ezra in a deep kiss. Once more the touch was different, filled with concern and promise and love. Ezra sighed quietly at the safety he could feel in the taller tracker's hands and mouth.

Easing away, Ezra smiled up at Vin, a wide easy smile that let his gold tooth show. "I never realized one could say so much with a kiss."

"Gotta a lot more to say," Vin promised him.

A calloused hand touched his cheek and then Vin was gone.

Three

"When you finish up," Nathan said. "I want to check that wound."

"Mister Jackson," Ezra said, "if I attempt to consume all the food that you and Inez insist on bringing me, I will have to purchase a new wardrobe."

The healer sitting across from him glanced at what was left on the tray in front of the gambler, and laughed. "Reckon that was a mess of vittles."

It had been a full day since the others had ridden out. Despite his worry, Ezra had once more slept nearly all day, awakening to Nathan's arrival. Sensing Ezra's unease over the hunt the others were on, the man had relented and let Ezra come downstairs to eat. By the time he finished the meal, Ezra was surprised at how much better he was feeling. Nathan's quiet confidence in everyone's safe return as well as sleeping in his own bed and thinking on the promise in Vin's words, had improved both his mood and physical well being.

Nathan stood up. "Let's get you back to bed."

"Perhaps a little afternoon sun would be good for me?" Ezra suggested.

Nathan frowned, thought it over a minute. "It's kind of cold out there." Ezra opened his mouth to argue but Nathan held up his hand. "Make you a deal. You let me check that wound and you can sit out afterwards."

"Agreed," Ezra said quickly.

While he was not normally one to enjoy the outdoors, the idea of sitting in his dimly-lit room for another afternoon was more than Ezra wanted to consider. There was also the possibility that the others would be back that afternoon, and his appearance outside would let Vin know he was feeling better. Finishing his glass of water, Ezra started confidently toward the stairs, very aware of Nathan at his back. He took the steps slowly, favoring the right leg, but not needing any help to reach his room. Smiling at Nathan with what he hoped wasn't too smug a look, he closed the door behind them.

"Okay, drop the drawers and let's have a look."

Slowly, being sure to keep a hand on the wall, Ezra lowered his trousers. He had put on short handles and carefully peeled them off, his hand shaking a little as he did. Even though Nathan had cared for him for a week now, it was an effort to lower his last layer of defense, to let someone see what he had spent a lifetime covering up. Without meeting Nathan's eyes, he lay down, rotating his right leg so that the healing wound was visible. Without thinking, he pulled the sheet to cover his groin.

Gentle hands touched lightly around the wound. "Looks good. Probably be able to take these stitches out in a few days."

Ezra sighed in relief, nodding. An idea he had been considering since Vin's promise came back to him. Sitting up, still keeping the sheet wrapped around himself, he looked over at his friend. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to say, "Nathan, may I ask you a question? As a physician?"

The dark compassionate gaze connected with his. "Ezra, you know I ain't no doctor."

Suddenly unsure of himself, Ezra looked down at the floor. "I understand that but... I haven't.... No one but you and Vin have seen what was done to me."

Nathan blinked. "You didn't get to a doctor when this was done? Damn, Ezra, you could have died...."

"A doctor was not an option at the time," Ezra said shortly. He stood, deciding that maybe his thought had not been a good one. A strong hand touched his arm.

"Ezra," Nathan said softly, "I know this ain't easy for you. Go ahead and ask. I'll do my best to answer."

Ezra sat down, keeping his eyes on the floor. It was several minutes before he found his voice. "Nathan, since. I haven't been able... well, very seldom... to know... sexual...." His voice died out and he sighed. "Damn."

"Ezra?" Nathan asked. "Are you telling me that... you can't... you know...?"

Looking up, Ezra saw understanding in Nathan's eyes, saw the flush that was making his skin even darker. Seeing the normally self-assured healer equally bothered by the question brought a smile to Ezra's face, eased the tightness in his stomach. He laughed, much to Nathan's obvious confusion.

"Do you think it's possible for either of us to suffer any greater embarrassment over this conversation?" he managed to ask.

Looking at the situation that way, Nathan joined in his laughter. Ezra was surprised at the warmth the moment created, and wondered once again at the ease he felt around the others. After a minute, Nathan turned to him, concern evident in his expression.

A strong hand touched his shoulder. "I'll be honest, Ezra, there probably ain't nothing I can do."

"Yes, I assumed as much. I had hoped merely to know if it was due to the damage or simply my fear."

He felt Nathan start a little at that confession. Ezra shook his head wondering why he was feeling the need to talk suddenly. The answer to the question was easy. He wanted very much to be with Vin, wanted to share everything with him and if Nathan could help with that, then he would force aside his reluctance. That decided, he looked up at Nathan again.

"Can you help me answer that, Nathan?" he pleaded.

"Ezra," he ventured carefully. "I'd need to... well, examine you before I could try to answer that."

Every muscle in his body tightened in defense. "You've seen the scars."

"Scars don't tell what's under them," Nathan answered.

Looking at the floor again, Ezra said hoarsely, "I don't know if I can do that."

"Guessing would be worse," Nathan surmised.

After a minute, Ezra gathered his tattered courage. Still wrapped in the sheet, he stood, slipped the brandy flask out of his coat pocket and took several long swallows. He then offered it to Nathan. The healer took a short sip himself. Ezra lay down, moving the sheet discreetly aside.

"Reach up and grab the rails," Nathan ordered. "It'll give you something to hold on to."

Ezra nodded, not having the voice to answer.

"And Ezra," Nathan said, "try not to kick me."

The small joke relaxed him a little, though it disappeared as Nathan moved closer. Ezra closed his eyes but the memories flooded the darkness; words turning harsh among friends, accusations, pain.... A strong hand touched his arm and he jerked, eyes snapping open. He found himself staring into Nathan's concerned expression.

"Keep your eyes open, watch me." Smiling, Nathan said, "Never thought I'd have to tell you this, but keep talking, too. It relaxes you."

Ezra stared blankly at him, then managed a weak smile. "I can't seem to think of anything to discuss."

Nathan looked at him seriously for a minute, then said quietly, "Guess I could start. I never did apologize to you about Li Pong."

The incident of many months before was suddenly brought back, with all the warmth and sorrow it had originally carried, and a new touch of anger. "You feel the need now," Ezra said harshly, "when you know I couldn't have--"

"No! No," Nathan said quickly. "That's not what I meant. Ezra, I was wrong then and I should've said something sooner, soon as I knew." He nodded to Ezra. "I'm going to go on with it now."

Ezra took a deep breath. "When did you know?"

The healer's callused hand touched him, not lightly, not tentatively but firmly. Ezra jumped a little, tugged at his lower lip.

"Hell, Ezra," Nathan continued levelly. "I knew soon as you told me wasn't nothing going on."

That statement startled Ezra enough that he momentarily forgot the searching hand. "I don't understand, Mister Jackson. What caused you to refuse me at the time?"

To Ezra's amazement, Nathan actually looked even more embarrassed over this than the examination that his hands were conducting. He glanced up, then back down. "Ezra, case you ain't noticed, I can be as stubborn as you are."

Ezra smiled, then laughed quietly, and Nathan's hands no longer felt like the torture he had imagined. "We are a pair sometimes, Mister Jackson."

Returning his smile, Nathan leaned back. His smile faded and he said, "I need to press down on a couple places, Ezra. Think you can handle that?"

A little worried but no longer panicked, Ezra asked, "The results of this little press?"

"Well, it's probably gonna hurt some."

Tightening his grip on the rails, Ezra nodded. He could feel his muscles tensing up again.

"Why did you send her away?" Nathan asked, once more attempting to ease his patient. "Y'all seemed good together."

Ezra found himself smiling warmly at the thoughts of the small Chinese beauty. There had been no sexual attraction, but there had been caring and concern; and the first person he could remember ever really needing and wanting him. Until Vin.

"She was a.... ow!" Ezra glared down at Nathan. "That was not... ow!"

"One more thing," Nathan said. "This won't hurt."

"Thank goodness for small favors," Ezra muttered.

"So, Li Pong...." Nathan prompted.

"She was a child, Nathan. A scared child. What she needed was someone to cuddle and care, then, like a child, she needed to go home to her family."

"Tell me what you feel?" Nathan asked.

Ezra watched the healer's hand move lightly. He jerked a little. "It's similar to the sensation engendered when the circulation to an appendage has been compromised."

Nathan chuckled. "Like when your foot falls asleep."

"I believe I said that," Ezra said haughtily.

"All done," Nathan finished.

Snatching the blanket back over himself, Ezra sat up. "Your prognosis, sir?"

"There is some damage, Ezra. That sleepy-foot feeling is cut nerves." In a very stuttering voice, he continued, "At a guess, I'd say you, uh, might take longer, to... get it up, maybe not be able as, um, often." With a small smile, he finished with, "But seems to me that most everything should work, including getting kids."

With a startled look, Ezra said, "Really?"

Nathan laughed. "Yeah."

Closing his eyes, Ezra muttered, "Then it is me."

"Ezra?" Nathan questioned gently. When Ezra looked up, he asked, "How old were you?"

"Seventeen."

Silence ruled the room. Nathan finally broke it by saying thoughtfully, "It must have pained you for a long time."

"A vast understatement, sir."

"Ezra, you ever seen a horse that's been lamed a long time? Even after he's good, he'll limp sometimes, when the ground is rocky or a rider first gets on. It ain't 'cause it hurts, it's 'cause he expects it to hurt."

A touch of anger hit Ezra again. "I'm not slow, Mister Jackson, I understand...."

"What I'm saying, is that you have to convince yourself that it ain't gonna hurt. It may just take being with the right woman and lots of time."

The positive smile settled in Ezra's nerves and he found himself smiling back, just before a yawn hit him. Between the heavy meal and the hard memories, he was suddenly exhausted.

"Lay back," Nathan ordered.

"I was going to reside outside," Ezra said, only to have another yawn undermine his words.

"Couple hours up here first." Nathan stood, started out. "Ezra?"

He looked up at the healer. "Yes?"

"I'm sorry there ain't any more I can do."

Ezra smiled, a real wide grin that let his gold tooth show. Three words Nathan had uttered had given Ezra more hope than he had allowed himself in years. ‘The right woman' easily translated into the right man. "Mister Jackson, you have been a great help." Almost closing his eyes, he waited until Nathan had the door open before he added, "I'll consider it recompense for the seven dollars you owed me."

Nathan's quiet laugh carried down the hall.

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