The Personal Journal Of John Dunne

~ Chapter One ~

March 15 - Mama died. Bummer. Now I'll never find out which band member of Three Dog Night is actually my pa.

March 16 - Have discovered money for college in Mama's hope chest. But, know will just blow it on pizza and beer parties, so have decided instead to treat self to Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale.

March 17 - Have bought new clothes for trip, including red, Spandex Speedo to wear on beach and bowler hat to wear in town (have been assured hat is latest fashion and I will be the envy of all I encounter).

March 19 - Quit job shoveling horse manure. "Shove it." Have boarded train west. Weee.

April 2 - Fell asleep on train and now find self in Yuma, Arizona. Hmm. Lots of sand, but no beaches or sexy co-eds in sight, only grubby prison inmates -- am not that drunk, at least not yet. Will take stagecoach from here to Fort Lauderdale and hope I do not miss Beer Bong Bash.

April 7 - Fell asleep on stagecoach, but does not matter as journey is slow and scenery is all the same -- tumbleweed, tumbleweed, cactus, tumbleweed. Still have hope of arriving at Spring Break in time for Karaoke Night, as have been practicing "Come On, Get Happy" (though feel other occupants of stagecoach less than supportive).

April 10 - Leapt off stage at sounds of actual western shoot out! Is something to write home about, if had home to write to. Hmm.

Meet two gunslingers today. One, Vin Tanner, very pretty with long hair and rifle to match. Other, Chris Larabee, is obviously mad, bad, and dangerous to know, but in non-frilly-shirted-poet way. Amazed at tightness of man's black pants -- perhaps explains "mad" part of personality.

April 11 - Larabee and Tanner are gathering a group together to save oppressed village -- I want to go, too! Showed them my equestrian skills by jumping fence, but they are too into each other to notice my talent. Could not even get them interested in wet t-shirt contest by throwing self into water trough. So, will prove myself by following them, hiding behind rock, then jumping out at last minute in order to save them all from some horrendous threat. Is good plan. Hope works.

April 12 - Hid behind rock, but ... was discovered by Buck Wilmington. He laughed at my hat, but think was merely jealousy as took bowler, wore, and would not give back. Tease.
Confronted Larabee again about joining his posse. Think man's pants so tight are cutting off circulation to brain, because would not see how valuable I could be to team. Have left, but will sneak back under cover of darkness, again attempting hiding-behind-rock-and-jumping-out-at-opportune-moment as feel is, ultimately, v. good plan.

April 13 - Have been behind big rock for a long time. Have seen no one. Hmm. Perhaps chose wrong rock. Need to take leak. What to do?

Finally saw tall, lanky Buck Wilmington. Does not need too-tight pants like Larabee to accentuate manhood. Crazed Indian attacked Buck, so I leapt out and saved him!! Yay me. But he did not seem happy to see me -- punched me in mouth instead expressing thanks in more appealing manner. Maybe Buck would be happier if he could have saved me, instead of other way around. Will have to think of way to help him actualize dream.

April 14 - Have been grudgingly allowed to join team. Think they really just needed extra hands in preparing for WWF (Wild West Fantasy) smackdown when get-a-life Confederate soldiers return. There is much to do and little time. Still, Larabee and Tanner managed to find time to sneak off and watch sunset together. Hmmm.

April 15 - Have gotten to know Buck a bit more. He claims to be quite the ladies' man, but seems he spends every free minute wrastling me for my bowler. Think man has fetish hatless Seminole women cannot satisfy.

April 16 - Rebs returned. Hoped would get to shoot someone, but no such luck. As fight neared end, found way to help Buck regain self-esteem in hero department. Ran out in front of charging soldier. Fanned gun so would run out of bullets, making me appear helpless. Buck saw and came to rescue. My hero - sigh. After, scolded me for nearly getting killed. Suspect he likes me.

April 17 - Major hangover from celebration party last night! Buck lectured me again, and then gave me private instructions in gun play. Proved to him can take it like a man. Yay me!

Ezra was supposed to be on watch, but Col. Anderson managed to get cannon and remaining troops past him. We tried to sneak up behind them, but were ambushed and captured. On bright side, made for captive audience so could tell my most fascinating back-story: was born on a hot July afternoon in the servant's quarters of a large mansion....

With Ezra's help, we escaped. Ezra shot cannon -- wonder what other hidden talents he has? -- and blew up Confederate flag that had been raised over village. Then the rest of us came through the smoke to save the day -- very D.W. Griffith. But, noticed Buck's self-esteem on the down side since our capture, so rushed out in front of Col. Anderson so Buck could play hero again. Worked. Buck gave me his hat. Now know he really likes me. Hurrah!

April 18 - Buck asked for hat back. Not sure what this means. Perhaps he still wants to play the field. But, asked me if I was riding with the group, so still must want me around. Have decided to skip Spring Break this year and hang out with my new friends. Wonder what we'll all do next.

Index | Chapter Two