SNIPPET 3 : SMILE

By Thalia

Disclaimer and the rest: See first page

Notes: "Smile" is performed by Lyle Lovett

Pairing: None

Summary: A few bad weeks, a bad end to a mission, long days of rain and here are the guys, at the saloon, where the atmosphere doesn't really help since everybody has the blues. The jukebox plays on and Ezra hurts…

7 7 7 7 7 7 7

However discreet he wanted to be, he couldn't help but stare at them. He didn't know what shoked him most, the fact that Chris and Vin - straight men as he'd ever known - were now a couple, or the fact that envy was twisting his heart and his stomach at the sight of so much love for each other.

'My God,' he thought, 'I'm gonna be sick' as his stomach rumbled and heaved. He closed his eyes not ready to face the truth. Yet, even there, in the dark, he could but only face the truth, his truth. And forgetting years of advice pounded in his head by a 'loving' mother, he looked deep inside and faced his feelings.

Chris was his team leader. He didn't owed him respect, he just gave it to him 'cause among all the people he had ever known in his life, he had never met anybody more deserving than each and every man sitting at the table next to him. And Chris had earned his respect just by standing by him when things were going awry and people from his past tried to get him down with the rumors of his being on the take. Chris had never once asked him if that was true or not. They hadn't known each other very long, and still, Chris had stood by his side and battled with him to try and clear his name. And had not asked for anything in return but his being here and part of the team. He had put faith in him when he himself had almost lost that faith.

And Vin… what could he tell about Vin? Vin was his best friend. The only one he had ever had in his whole life. From the very beginning, Vin had tried to include him in the team, had tried to break down the walls he had put up around his heart. Oh, how he had fought against his underhanded ways. How he had fought to stay detached. How he had fought not to care. But in the end, Vin won without a restriction. His sense of humour so close to his own, his quiet yet strong presence had comforted him through the hard times. Vin's shyness had been Ezra's undoing. Each moment spent with him was like a precious gem, an old sepia picture printed in the book of his memories. When Vin had been used and abused by that wretched woman Charlotte, he had been by his side, for once not talking, just standing, supportive and understanding. He had surprised himself that day. That was when he understood the place the quiet sharpshooter had taken into his life. He wasn't just an associate anymore. He wasn't just the man who spent most of his time being by his side playing his bodyguard, or up there with the birds, watching over him and ready to kill to save his life. He was his friend and even more than that, he had become his brother through the hard times that they both had gone through, supporting each other.

So how come he had not noticed that something had changed between Chris and Vin? Because, he realized, nothing had changed between him and Chris and him and Vin. Nothing had changed in the team. They had just finally taken that step that had brought them closer to each other, but certainly not away from the team.

Ez couldn't but admire the risk they had taken. Same sex relationships were the hardest to live. Homosexuality among federal agent was not condoned. If it were to come to the ears of the higher-ups, they would both have a hard time getting advancement, their career would be as good as over. And so there was only one question left in his mind: was love really worth it?

At that moment, the song coming out of the jukebox caught his attention.

He couldn't help but smile. Yes, appearances were everything to him. Did that mean that he would be ready to forsake love for appearances? Did that mean he would refuse himself that chance if it ever came by?

What was love? What was it like? Ezra couldn't help but wonder. His mother had so seldomly showed him what motherly love could be… and he couldn't be sure that the little he had ever felt or seen was real motherly love. His mother had such a conception of love… now, if you talked about money… and that's how he'd been raised. 'Appearances are everything, my darling boy,' he could hear his mother's voice whisper in his mind.

But in the three years he had been with Team 7, they had shown him again and again that appearances were not everything. They had shown him that letting your heart speak for you would not send you screaming like a headless chicken. If he really looked at himself and his actions since he'd joined the team, he couldn't help but wonder if everytime he had stepped in front of a bullet had he not been showing his own kind of love to his teammates. The thought made him shiver. It was far too frightening. That would mean that they could have him do whatever they wanted and he just couldn't lose his free-will like that.

Feeling eyes on him, he lifted his head and met Buck's worried gaze. He lifted his left eyebrow, silently asking the reason for the silent perusal… and smiled benignly. Ez didn't notice that the smile never reached his expressive gaze, he had already gone back to his introspection, eyes lowered.

Why, in that instant, did he suddenly feel like bawling out like baby? Swallowing slowly and carefully, he sighed. 'What's wrong with me today?' He couldn't help but wonder. Was it the memories of that young agent whose life had slipped away while they were pinned down by the gunrunners? Or was it the memories of those looks between Chris and Vin? Taking a deep breath, he decided that it was time to face the truth.

His heart was hurting, like squeezed by an unrelentless giant hand. 'I don't like feeling, it hurts,' he thought dimly, hardly aware that his face was showing his struggle and that a dark blue gaze was seeing it all and suffering with him. No, he didn't like feeling… and yet, remembering how he had been before Team 7, he couldn't help but shiver at the memory of the man he had been. And a deep down refusal sprung from his heart: no, he wouldn't go back to this empty life. Team 7 had fought to welcome him amidst their ranks. They had fought him and his past. They had fought by his side, had spent endless days watching over each other, in and out of hospital rooms. They had more than once shed blood for each other. He smiled derisively. They had become blood brothers. And he wouldn’t give that up for anything, not for the reserves of Fort Knox or all the gold of all the reserves around the world.

He smiled. If the gentlemen by his side could tune into his thoughts, a picture of their faces would be priceless! Then again, they had taught him so much about being human and feeling human, maybe they would just turn to him and look him straight in the eye, saying 'Finally, you understand!'.

Still, if he could just get a handle on that feeling that Chris and Vin were sharing… each beat of his heart was telling how much more important it was than friendship. So much more different. The sense of belonging, of being a part of something that was bigger than himself. Being accepted as he was, with his dark and light sides and all the shades of gray in between. Being taken care of. Being loved. Being the center of the world and the only important thought in somebody else's mind.

Yep… like this was gonna happen to him… he could just imagine a woman coming straight to him and instead of asking for a drink, asking for his heart… and with his luck, she wouldn't be talking figuratively! He shook his head slightly at his thoughts. No, friendship was already so much more than he could hope for, what right did he have to ask for more?

In the background, another song came on… But the conman didn't see the yearning dark blue eyes nor the troubled hazel eyes of a younger friend seeing it all and wanting so much to relieve the hurts… and the song went on…

to snippet 4 : When You Love Someone