The backyard fell silent. Even Cowboy stood in place, his eyes on Chris and one ear cocked toward the sounds out front. Vin stood up from the picnic table; Chris and Buck followed.“Make her go away.” Vin whispered. “Make her go away make her go away make her go away.” He didn’t want to face her. He couldn’t face her. He’d have to say he was sorry and he didn’t want to say he was sorry even if he was sorry for something that was never his fault to start with.
Buck made the first move. “Chris – take Vin inside, I’ll go around the front of the house and head Nettie off.” He headed in that direction.
“Don’t you want to see Nettie?” Billy asked and nobody answered him. “Why don’t you want to see Nettie?”
“Because I don’t.” Vin’s short-tempered reply surprised everyone, including himself. He looked to Chris for the help he just knew wasn’t possible.
“Come on, we’ll go upstairs. Buck can send her on her way.”
Vin wanted to disappear. He wanted the earth to swallow him up so he’d feel invisible and safe. Inside the house was too close to where Nettie stood at the front door. Outside was too accessible to her walking around to the back.
Lord, Vin wished he was dead.
Chris put a firm hand on his shoulder and spoke deliberately. “We’ll go in the house and you can go upstairs. You don’t have to see her. You go upstairs and I’ll let you know when it’s safe.” When Vin didn’t move he added, “Come on, I’ll go with you.”
So Vin nodded, and they walked to the deck and into the house, with Billy silent but sticking close by and Cowboy trotting ahead to the partially open front door. Before Chris could call him back, the dog has pushed open the door and stood wagging his tail eagerly at the two people on the front porch.
Vin stopped short but still found himself only six feet away from Nettie, with just the screen door between them. She was saying ‘I just want to talk to him Buck, I need to apologize’ and Buck was answering ‘He needs time Nettie’ and she looked up and held Vin’s gaze for a long moment before speaking to him.
“Vin honey – I’m sorry. I don’t know when I got so old and stupid but I wouldn’t hurt you for the world. You know that. I don’t – well I just don’t have any excuse honey. Losing you would kill me, but if that’s what you want...” She seemed to have trouble finishing the thought. Vin took a step closer to the door.
“It’s not what I want.” He said softly. “What I want is just for you to understand. All I want from anybody is just that they understand I didn’t want this to happen and for God’s sake it’s not my fault.” Oh if they could just get past the awkwardness and anger and go back to being friends, just like they were, Vin thought he might never be unhappy again. Just let everything go back the way it was.
“I understand that Vin, I do understand that.”
Vin pushed on the latch of the screen door with a hand he was surprised to see was shaking and walked out to stand near Nettie. Buck made a graceful exit into the house and he and Chris left the immediate area, with Billy being pulled out of sight a second later. Vin shoved his hands in his pockets and took a step back to lean against a porch upright. He looked down at his sneakers.
“Losing you would kill me too Nettie. It did kill me ‘cause I thought I did lose you. Of everybody in the world, you were the last person I thought would walk away from me on this. I mean – I never wanted you to know what happened. I never wanted anybody to know, but I thought - when JD told you, I woulda thought -.”
“JD didn’t tell me.” Nettie said. Vin looked up.
“Well, Casey then.” He wondered what difference it made.
“Nobody told me Vin.”
“Wellll – how did you find out then?” He wracked his brain but couldn’t think of how she would’ve known otherwise.
“I was in your apartment honey.” She said it like it was an apology. Something like resentment flared up in Vin.
“When?” he asked. “When were you in my apartment?”
“Saturday. When you didn’t answer the phone and I couldn’t find you I got worried. I didn’t know if you were sick and couldn’t get to the phone, I didn’t know -.”
Vin didn’t bother to wonder why Nettie’s admission made him so damn angry, he just let himself feel it.
“So, when I was at the clinic and you called Chris’ cell phone and I was talking to you – you were in my apartment then? You said you weren’t but you were there? Why the hell did you lie to me?”
By the look on Nettie’s face, she knew this conversation had gone south, but didn’t know why. “I thought you didn’t want me to be in your apartment and –.”
“That’s right, I didn’t. But there you were anyway -.”
+ + + + + + +
Inside the house, just as Buck was saying, “Thank God that impasse is all over,” and Chris was agreeing, they heard shouting from the front porch. Chris told Billy to stay put and he and Buck went to see what the matter was.
“NO! Stay away from me.” Vin was yelling at Nettie. “You’re a damn liar and you stay away from me. I don’t care if I never see you again. Just get the hell away from me.”
Buck went to Nettie and tried to tactfully steer her back to her car, but she looked too stunned to understand anything but that Vin was cursing her and driving her away. Chris went to Vin and tried to get him to calm down.
“What happened?” he asked. He kept his voice quiet.
“She lied!” Vin shouted again, aiming his remark at Nettie. “She knew and she lied!”
“Lied about what?” Chris asked, still trying to stay calm. “What did she lie about?”
“She – she -.” Suddenly, blood poured from Vin’s nose.
+ + + + + + +
Mary got home late from work to find a bizarre event taking place on her front steps. Buck stood between Chris and Nettie, apparently trying to keep Chris from doing harm to the woman as he yelled and gestured at her. Buck wasn’t touching Chris but he was keeping his hands up as though to block the angry gestures. Nettie stood behind Buck, saying something Mary couldn’t hear over Chris, but her own expression and gestures were of regret and apology. Billy crouched against the porch wall near the front door with Cowboy right next to him. And then Mary saw Vin, sitting on the low front step, leaning forward with blood dripping from between the hands he had pressed over his nose.
Since no one else was taking care of Vin, she went there first.
“Vin – sit back. You have to put your head back.” She dug Kleenex out of her purse. Vin didn’t move.
“How come Dad is yelling at Nettie?” Billy asked and Cowboy pulled out of his grasp to run and greet Mary.
“I don’t know. Vin, put your head back.” She knelt down next to Vin to have a better look but he didn’t move. She had to push Cowboy away from licking her face.
“Nettie told Vin she was sorry and then they were talking and then he was yelling and Dad started yelling after Vin started bleeding and Nettie said she’s sorry but what’s she sorry for?”
“I don’t know Billy. Vin put your head back. Cowboy get out of the way. Vin put your head back.” She couldn’t get him to move, Cowboy was determined to be fussed over and the confrontation on the front lawn was beginning to irritate her.
“How come Dad’s mad?” “I don’t know Billy.” She was beginning to grit her teeth. “Vin – put your head back.”
“How come he wants Nettie to go to ‘heck’?”
“I don’t know Billy” Finally when she could hardly hear herself think over the din, Mary stood up and shouted, “That’s enough!” She was rewarded with immediate silence. “You.” She pointed at Nettie. “Leave. You.” She pointed at Buck. “Get her to her car.”
She turned to Chris. “You – get over here and help Vin. Billy – take Cowboy into the house.” Her orders were carried out rather quickly. She had one left.
“Vin - put your head back.”
He looked up, eyes wide in surprise. Then he put his head back.
SEVENTY-SEVEN
Vin sat on the edge of the lower bunk of the bunk bed. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry.He cried anyway.
He tried to find a clean spot on the bloody Kleenex to wipe his eyes, but he couldn’t find one and the tears rolled down his face. Nettie was gone. The one person who meant so much to him and she was gone.
Not that the other people in his life didn’t mean so much, or even more. Nettie just – filled some spot in his life and his soul. Maybe because he’d lost his Mom so young and never had another one and Nettie filled that spot.
But now that spot was a gaping wound that would never go away.
Vin had to get away from everybody. He’d come up here to hide as soon as his nosebleed stopped, but this wasn’t far enough away. He didn’t want anybody to see him crying. He didn’t want them to know how bad it hurt him, and there’d be no way they could comfort him anyway. Buck could say he knew Nettie didn’t hate Vin, but he had the proof right there right now, didn’t he? She’d hate him now and there’d be no taking it back.
He had to get out of the house. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to be unconscious…he thought about the bottles of painkillers and muscle relaxants in his pocket. How many would he have to take to permanently forget what an absolute jerk he was?
Growing up he never had friends, except the other geeky losers who seemed to clump together when no clique would let them in. Growing up he lived on a street that had no kids at his end, and in school he was the shy, quiet kid who was an easy mark for bullies and tormentors. The teachers told him he was “too sensitive.” His father told him to “ignore them”. Aunt Diane never cared about Vin’s problems, she was always too busy expecting him to solve hers.
Why did it always seem to come back to him sitting alone, feeling like his heart had been ripped out?
He took the medicine bottles out of his shirt pocket and for one truly scary moment he let himself imagine what it would be like to never feel anything again, not physical pain or emotional torment. To just not feel anything. He opened the bottles and poured the tablets out into this hand.
It would be so easy. He could swallow them all and go to sleep and what happened after that would be somebody else’s problem.
His hand shook and his vision blurred, thinking just how easy it would be.
+ + + + + + +
Chris and Buck were out front with bleach and water, scrubbing the steps and sidewalk clean of Vin’s blood. Nettie had gone home and Billy was in the yard playing distractedly with Cowboy. Mary carried a huge glass of water, a bottle of orange juice and a packet of cookies upstairs to Vin. She didn’t think he’d lost a pint of blood with that nosebleed, but he sure had lost a lot, and since he refused to go to the hospital, she decided to treat him as though he’d donated blood. Maybe orange juice and cookies, and a sympathetic ear, would calm his ragged nerves.
Aside from what he was going through already, Mary guessed that Vin had never had a real argument with any of his friends, least of all Nettie. He’d had disagreements with Chris over politics, movies, sports, and what did or did not constitute appropriate toppings for a pizza, but it was never anything serious. Certainly nothing that ever drove a wedge between them.
But this incident with Nettie worried Mary. Nettie was more than a mother to Vin. She was a mother, grandmother, teacher, friend, mentor, counselor and safe harbor for him. If he lost that – or even only thought he lost that - Mary thought it would drive him to despair. He didn’t need any more pain, especially that one, right now.
She stepped up to Vin’s open door – just in time to see him stuff a handful of pills into his mouth. Her initial terror at his apparent suicide attempt quickly changed to relief a second later as he proceeded to spit the pills out again. He saw her at that moment. His eyes widened with fear and his face darkened with shame.
Apparently there were a few pills that wouldn’t come out as he tried unsuccessfully to spit again. Mary brought him the glass of water and ordered, “Rinse and spit. Do not swallow.”
“The floor?” he asked, his question blurred by the obstinate pills.
“I don’t care. Just do it.” Mary snapped.
+ + + + + + +
Mary was yelling at him. Vin was astounded: Mary was yelling at him. Afraid not to do what she told him, he swished his mouth with as little water as possible and spit the last few pills out into his hand. The water dripped through his fingers onto his jeans.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered. He meant for the mess. Mary set orange juice and cookies onto the desk and knelt in front of Vin.
“It’s really not the end of the world Vin.” She told him.
“I know – I’ll clean it up.”
That was apparently not the right answer as Mary huffed out a breath and closed her eyes as though praying for strength. “Not the pills on the floor Vin – the pills that were in your mouth. You’re angry. You’re upset with Nettie, and upset with yourself. It’s not worth risking this.” She indicated the scattering of damp medication on the floor.
“It’s not – I’m not – I didn’t –.” A sudden chill shot through Vin. “Everything I touch turns to rot.” He waited for her – expected her – to immediately and firmly deny any such nonsense. Instead she stood and glowered down at him.
“You know what Vin Tanner? You’re not stupid.” She still sounded angry. “Everything you touch does not turn to rot and you know it. I know you’re upset and you have every right to be. But you also have friends and you can’t just disregard us when the mood suits you.”
“I know.” Vin offered. Another chill ran up his back. Mary seemed to notice it but she didn’t comment on it.
“Now – you’re here and you need to be taken care of and I’m going to take care of you whether you like it or not. Have you got that?”
If Vin felt better, he’d josh Mary, saying she’d been spending too much time around Chris. Instead he stared at the spreading stain of water under his fingers. He should’ve swallowed the pills when he had the chance. He didn’t want to answer; he wanted Mary to go away. He shivered again. Great, he was getting chills too.
When he didn’t answer, Mary bent down again and began retrieving the scattered tablets from the carpet. “I’ll put these somewhere they can dry out, see what we can salvage.” At least she didn’t sound angry anymore. She took the bigger empty bottle from where it sat on the bunk next to Vin and dumped them all in. Last she took the really soggy ones out of his hand, but she didn’t put those in with the rest.
He thought – hoped – she’d leave then but she sat down next to him. Vin kept his head ducked and tried hard not to make contact with her. “You have friends Vin.” She said. “Friends who’ll do anything for you. And all of us – every single one of us would rather you asked for help you weren’t sure you needed than have you suffer along in darkness and confusion. We’re here Vin, don’t shut us out.”
“Okay.” He prayed she’d leave now. He was freezing cold and shivering, and he wanted nothing more than to wrap himself in every blanket he could get his hands on. The sooner she left the sooner he could lay down and try to drown out every memory of this day. Leave leave leave, he silently urged her. She wouldn’t see him cry. Vin swore to himself that she wouldn’t see him cry, but if she stayed here one second longer, sounded concerned and caring, he wasn’t going to be able to keep that promise to himself.
Finally finally finally, thank God in His heaven, Mary stood up. “Drink the water and the orange juice, and eat the cookies.” She told him. “It’ll make you feel better.”
“Yeah.” He couldn’t even summon the energy or desire to thank her.
When she was gone, Vin set the water on the desk top next to the orange juice, and he shoved the other empty medicine bottle and cap into a desk drawer. He found the bloody Kleenex behind himself and threw that into the wastebasket. He was still shivering and it felt like it was getting worse. Maybe a hot shower would help. If he could stand upright long enough to accomplish that. Maybe he could just crawl under the covers and hide.
Maybe he could just find where Mary was putting the drugs and try again.
While he rummaged through all his impossible options, Vin heard footsteps coming up the stairs. For a second it sounded the way his Dad’s footsteps used to sound, whenever he came upstairs to check on Vin for whatever reason. The sound and the memory brought tears to his eyes again.
He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. He wouldn’t cry. He knew the footsteps were Chris and he would not cry again in front of Chris. He managed to become calm a split second before Chris came through the door. He was carrying a bottle and Vin had a moment of hope and concern that it was his drugs. But it wasn’t.
“Iron tablets.” Chris explained without needing to be asked. “Mary thought you mighta made yourself anemic bleeding that way.”
“She yelled at me.” Vin complained. After a moment’s consideration, and with a decade of experience, Chris asked:
“Did you deserve it?”
“Well I didn’t get a nose bleed on purpose you know.”
Chris set the bottle on the desk and pulled the chair out to sit in front of Vin.
“Why does it matter when Nettie found out what happened?” he asked.
“I don’t know.” Vin admitted. “It just does. It was like she was lying to me.” “Why would she lie to you?
“I don’t know.” Vin snapped. “I don’t know why the hell anybody does anything to me anymore. I just know that I was so relieved when I thought we were gonna be okay again – when she said she’d been in my apartment – I don’t know. It just hurt. It was like she lied to me and it hurt me. I know I’m being a jerk. It’s just like there’s no more room in here –.” He motioned to his head. “To be considerate.”
“You don’t need to be considerate.” Chris told him. “If somebody slams a door on your hand, they got no right to ask you to be quiet. You want Nettie to stew in her own mistakes for awhile, you go right ahead.”
“What if she doesn’t deserve it?”
“What if she does?” Chris asked back, and Vin had no ready answer for him.
“Tomorrow’s the week anniversary.” He said instead. “Seems like years, still – I can’t believe it’s a week already.”
“Yeah.”
“Chris?”
“Yeah?”
“Tomorrow – on the way to work – tomorrow morning – can we just stop on the way at Josiah’s? I really want to go to Mass tomorrow.” Vin knew that Chris never attended religious services. He hastened to offer, “I can drive myself if you don’t want to. You don’t have to. I just – I just – really need to go.”
But Chris didn’t hesitate. “I’ll take you Vin. I’d be glad to.”
SEVENTY-EIGHT
The chills got worse. Chris brought Vin a sweatshirt but sat next to him on the edge of the lower bunk before handing it to him.“Why don’t you take a hot shower? That’ll warm you up faster than anything.”
“Yeah.” Vin had the collars of both shirts pulled tight against his shivering. “Maybe I will.”
“And – Mary wants to do your laundry.” Chris was trying to broach this part delicately.
“Okay.”
“Including this shirt.” Chris indicated his favorite shirt that Vin had been wearing for almost a week.
“It’s not dirty.” Vin said, pulling slightly away from Chris. “I only got a little blood on it. It’s not dirty.”
“No, but it wouldn’t hurt to run it through once.” Chris didn’t tell Vin what Buck said: ‘About damn time! That thing’s getting a life of its own.’ Vin still hesitated, so Chris tried to assure him. “It’ll only take an hour total, including the dryer. In the meantime, you need something heavier anyway.” Chris knew Vin couldn’t deny the violent shivers that rocked his body.
“Okay.” Though he seemed to take awhile to consider it. And something else. “I don’t need to wear it, you know, if you want it back. I got enough of my own clothes here. If you want.”
“No, you hang onto it. Just let Mary run it through the wash for you.”
“Okay.” More hesitation. “You want it now?”
“Whenever you’re ready. Mary won’t run the washing machine while you’re in the shower.”
“Oh yeah. That would be bad.” Vin tried to laugh through a shiver.
“Are you all right?” Chris asked him. He could tell Vin had been crying, or he was exhausted, or both.
“I drove Nettie away.”
“Well yeah you did.” Chris agreed. “But maybe she deserved to get set back on her heels. And if she cares about you as much as she’s ever said she does, you won’t be able to drive her away permanently.”
“How do you know?”
“Because – if it was possible to drive away someone who loves you that much, Mary would’ve left me years ago.”
+ + + + + + +
The shower made Vin feel warmer, but not better. This had been one long bad day. This morning he thought that just by repeating “everything is fine” that everything would at least feel fine, but it hadn’t worked out that way. Then the fight with Chris – or maybe it was a misunderstanding? It was an argument, right? As Vin dressed himself in clean jeans and the sweatshirt Chris had given him, he was almost too tired to even think about his day.
He’d argued with Chris, got sick in the bathroom at work, had to talk with Amanda while looking worse than one of Cowboy’s chew toys, then trying to get through dinner, yelling at Billy, yelling at Nettie, getting yelled at by Mary and seriously considering taking every pill he owned just to not feel all this pain anymore.
He opened the bathroom door, intending to go to bed and stay there the rest of his life, but Billy was walking down the hallway. He looked at Vin, a little wary, and went on to his own room without saying anything.
Yep, this had been one long bad day.
+ + + + + + +
Chris and Buck decided to leave Mary alone in the kitchen, letting her work off her frustrations – at them – by filling the dishwasher and grumbling at them to herself. They sat out on the deck watching Cowboy amuse himself with a deflated basketball.
“How is he?” Buck asked.
“He’s got chills now. Worried about Nettie. And yes – he’s going to let Mary wash the shirt.”
“Thank the Lord.”
“It wasn’t that bad Buck, though I suppose another day or two wouldn’t have been good.”
“Especially not if he might talk to that lovely lady at work again.” Buck said.
“He told you about that, hunh?”
“Yeah he did.” Buck picked up the basketball that Cowboy dropped at his feet and threw it across the yard for the dog to chase after. “Having a pretty lady talk to him should’ve made him feel better, not worse.”
“Yeah.” Was all Chris said. They watched Cowboy awhile longer. “You ever wonder why bad things happen?” he asked Buck.
“Chris, I’m a cop. If I tried unraveling that knot, I’d never have time to do anything else.”
“Josiah told me once that God lets bad things happen so that a greater good can come of it.” Chris thought about it after he said it. “I don’t know if I believe him or not.”
“I’d like to believe him.” Buck said, “But I can’t say as I always see overwhelming evidence of it.”
“Me either. I tell you Buck, if God can bring something good out of this -.” Over his shoulder he gestured to the window of Vin’s room. “ – I’ll start going to Sunday services again.”
+ + + + + + +
Vin stopped in the doorway to his room. His back hurt again and he thought about asking Mary for his painkillers. He wondered if she’d give them to him. Maybe she’d give him two, that’s all he took at one time anyway. Usually anyway. She wouldn’t let him stay in pain, even if it did seem like she was mad at him. He turned to go downstairs just as Billy was walking down the hallway again, with that same wary look on his face.
“Hey Billy – can I talk to you a minute?”
“Yeah.” But he stayed on the opposite side of the hallway, away from Vin. He seemed to be keeping his path to the staircase open just in case.
“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry if I yelled at you before. I didn’t mean to. I’m not mad at you. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“Are you mad at Nettie?”
“No, I’m not even really mad at her. I’m just – mad at myself.”
“How come?” Billy left his refuge across the hall and walked closer to Vin.
“Because – something happened to me that I couldn’t stop and it just makes me feel bad.”
“You mean those bullies hurting you ‘cause you protected Maria?”
“Yeah.” Vin nodded.
“How come you could stop them from hurting Maria but you couldn’t stop them from hurting you?” Billy asked in all innocence and Vin thought, that’s the big question, isn’t it?
“They caught me by surprise.” He skipped the explicit details. He turned and walked back into the room. Billy followed him.
“Tommy Spry knocked me down once and said I was a baby ‘cause I told Miss Collins that he pinched me during story time and it hurt but I didn’t cry but he said I was a baby anyway and he was a bully and he doesn’t go to our school anymore and you shouldn’t feel bad ‘cause they were mean and you weren’t and Buck says that bullies are just big stinkheads anyway.”
“Yeah, they sure were big stinkheads.” Vin agreed wearily as he sat himself in the desk chair. “And I know I shouldn’t feel bad, but I do. I can’t help it.”
Billy chewed on the inside of his lip and seemed to be working on some plan for making Vin feel better.
“You wanna watch the Munsters with me?”
“No thanks. I’m just planning on going to bed.”
“But it’s still daylight outside.”
“I know, I just don’t feel good.”
“You could sleep with Muffin.” Billy offered. Since the Larabees only had Cowboy the dog and a goldfish named George, Vin figured Muffin must be one of Billy’s many stuffed animals.
“No thanks. I’ll be okay.”
“You wanna drink of water?” Clearly Billy was running his young mind over the list of things that made him feel better.
“No, your Mom brought me a glass of water a little while ago. It’s okay, I’ll be all right. You can go watch the Munsters or whatever you were gonna do. I appreciate the offer though.”
“Okay.” Billy said reluctantly. He chewed on his lip again. “You shouldn’t feel bad Vin. They were stinkheads.”
“Yes they were.”
SEVENTY-NINE
By the time Mary had emptied the dishwasher and filled it up again and gotten herself something to eat, she was feeling a better. A little better. She just couldn’t believe Chris. How could he leave Vin sitting off by himself, upset and bleeding, while he wasted his time and his breath yelling at Nettie when anybody – any woman maybe – could see she was already as broken up as she could be. He should’ve been taking care of Vin and letting Buck move Nettie along.She turned from the stove where she was pouring herself a cup of tea to find Vin standing in the kitchen doorway. He looked so worn out and fragile, standing there in Chris’ favorite sweatshirt. His hands were pushed all the way into his jeans’ pockets and he seemed to be having trouble looking up at her.
“How do you feel now?” she asked. She meant it to sound concerned and affectionate, but to her own ears it sounded cold and unsympathetic.
“Okay. I just wondered – I wanted – needed – wondered if you’d – if I could -.” He looked up at her. “If you’d let me have a painkiller? Two. I’m supposed to take two. It’s been longer than four hours since I took one. Swallowed one anyway. My back hurts and I was just gonna go to bed and just…” his voice trailed off and he looked down again.
Mary couldn’t stand it. She’d reduced Vin to begging for his own medication. She stopped being angry with Chris and started being angry with herself.
“I’ll get them for you.” She said. They were on a paper towel on a shelf in the pantry closet in the hallway just outside the kitchen archway. Still – she hesitated at picking up two at once. But that was the dosage indicated on the bottle, so she brought out two and offered them to Vin. But he didn’t take them from her.
“Are you still mad at me?” he asked.
“I’m not mad at you.”
“So what was that upstairs? Practice?”
She wondered if Vin was being silly or sarcastic. She couldn’t tell.
“I’m mad at everyone and everything that brought you to the point of nearly swallowing two bottles of pain medication.”
“So that’s me anyway, isn’t it?” Vin still hadn’t taken the medication from her. “People only do to you what you let ‘em do to you, isn’t that it? So it’s me anyway.”
“It’s not you.” Mary told him. She held the pills out a little more insistently and Vin finally took them from her.
“You don’t know.”
“I do – I know what it’s like to have life run out of control on you, I know what it feels like when something hurts so bad you wish it would kill you just so you don’t have to feel it anymore. When my brother died -.” But she stopped herself there. She wouldn’t go there. “I know what it’s like.”
Vin looked the pills in his hand and not at her and said, “Thanks for these.” And walked away back upstairs.
+ + + + + + +
Mary took her tea and went to the deck. Both Chris and Buck gave her a wary look, no doubt wondering what her mood was going to be. Buck apparently decided it wasn’t good.
“Well, I think maybe I’ll head out and go home.” He stood up.
Mary glared at him.
He sat down again.
“You want to tell me what exactly happened here today?” she asked both of them, but Chris in particular. “This morning everything was ‘fine’, and then I come home to find World War Three raging on our front lawn.”
“Vin had a misunderstanding with Nettie.” Chris said.
“Oh really? Just Vin? And what were you two doing with her? Dancing?”
But Mary knew she didn’t really have to ask.. Chris was doing what he always did – protecting a member of his family. Especially since Stephen, Chris had become hyper-aware of any real or even perceived threat to the people he cared about. If he had to drive an old woman into the ground to do protect his family, he’d do it.
She sighed and set herself wearily on the top step of the deck.
“If he loses Nettie, I’m worried what it’ll do to Vin.”
“He’s not going to lose her.” Buck said, and he sounded pretty confident saying it. “He’s angry at her and maybe he hurt her feelings, but she’ll have him back with open arms the second he realizes she never meant to hurt him.”
Well that sounded reasonable to Mary, but by the look on her husband’s face he was thinking something else.
“Chris?” she prompted. “What are you thinking?”
“I'm thinking Nettie ought to worry about what I’ll do to her if things don’t work out.”
+ + + + + + +
Vin stared at the two tablets a long time before washing them down with the remaining water. They’d put him to sleep and sleep wasn’t bad. But it wasn’t all that good either if all he was going to do was wake up again feeling bad. He could take a walk, but then he’d have to leave the bedroom. He could lay down without taking the pills, but his back hurt and he didn’t want to endure that pain any more if he could help it.
He felt sick. Life was too hard and he felt sick. He hated Maria for being the reason those boys attacked him. He hated Nettie for having a lawn that needed to be mowed so that he was outside when Maria was harassed and he had to save her. He hated JD for telling him about the apartment for rent in that neighborhood. He hated his Aunt Diane for being cruel. He hated his parents for dying.
More than all of that though he hated himself – for not being strong enough to stop those boys from attacking him, for not being able to take care of himself since it happened, for needing help and making everybody take care of him. He hated himself for being the shy, skinny, sensitive kid who always felt like he didn’t quite fit with the people around him, even if those people said he was their friend.
Without thinking at that point, Vin swallowed the pills and choked on the water. Sleep would be good even if he was scared of waking up again with the overwhelming pain bearing down on him. Why bother going to sleep if that’s what was going to be waiting for him on the other side? But the pills would give him a couple of hours of relief. He’d be facing the horror on the other side anyway, why not have the two hours of oblivion?
He set the glass on the desk and curled himself into the middle of the lower bunk mattress. The chills had stopped with his shower so he didn’t need to pull the blankets over himself. The door was closed too which made Vin feel better. That way Chris and Mary couldn’t see him.
As though if they couldn’t see him they wouldn’t remember he was there using up all their compassion and hot water.
The thought pushed into his mind, At least he knew where Mary had the pills now, if it came to that.
“It can’t come to that.” He said out loud. “I don’t want it to come to that.”
It wasn’t until Vin felt the movement of cool air across his face that he realized someone had opened the bedroom door, and he squeezed his eyes shut. Maybe they hadn’t heard him. Maybe they’d think he was asleep. Maybe -.
“Vin?” It was Chris. Vin felt him sit down on the edge of the bunk. “What do you need?” His voice was so gentle and so concerned, Vin almost couldn’t stand it.
What did he need? He needed everything to be all right with Nettie. He needed to not feel like dying would be better than living. He needed to be on his own again and he needed somebody to be with him every second so that he wouldn’t turn into a screaming wreck.
“I’m fine.”
“Vin.” Apparently he wasn’t buying the “fine” line anymore. Vin opened his eyes but didn’t look at Chris.
“I’m just going to sleep. I just need to sleep. I’ll be fine.” Then he did look up. “Honest Chris. If I just get some sleep, I’ll feel better okay? Tomorrow -.” It was more of a wish than a promise he could guarantee to keep. “ – I’ll feel better.”
Chris took a minute but finally nodded. “Okay.”
“Vin?” This time it was Billy’s voice from the doorway. Vin looked over at him. Chris turned as well. Billy had his arms behind his back. “If you’re gonna go to sleep you should have something to sleep with ‘cause sometimes it’s hard to sleep if you don’t have something with you. So you can sleep with Muffin.” And he brought out from behind his back a huge, stuffed, plush muffin. He handed it to Vin who took it awkwardly.
“Muffin.” He said and then looked at Chris again. “Buck got this for him, didn’t he?”
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