Chris sent Billy downstairs then came back into the room. He pulled the chair out and sat down next to the bed.“OK, let’s try this again. How are you? Don’t give me ‘fine’. Give me the truth.” He held Vin’s gaze, daring him to turn away or lie.
Lying on his back on the bottom bunk, Vin twirled Muffin between his hands then set the stuffed oddity down on the mattress next to himself.
“I wish I was dead.” He said it like a challenge.
“Why?”
“WHY?” Vin exclaimed. “Why the hell do you think?”
“Spell it out for me.”
Vin opened his mouth to answer Chris in the most blunt words possible. But nothing came out. Too many words, thoughts and images crowded around demanding to be spoken first so that nothing came out.
He sat up and set his feet on the floor to rest his head in his hands.
“Vin?”
“I don’t know.” He tried to grab one whirling thought at least. The painkillers were kicking in; he wasn’t going to last long. “Did you ever just have a time in your life when you looked back and nothing you did seemed worthwhile, and when you look forward nothing seems possible? Like where you’re standing is just the midpoint of your own personal lifetime hell?”
“I’ve had times like that.” Chris said. “They don’t last.”
“But they keep coming back.” Vin plucked another thought from the swirl. “I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.”
“You belong here.”
“No I don’t. I don’t belong here to live here. I’m not family and even if I was, I shouldn’t be living with you. I should be taking care of myself.”
“And if you’d been hit by a truck, like Buck compares it to, would you still think you should be taking care of yourself?”
“Well, um, yeah.” Vin answered honestly. Chris sighed and rolled his eyes.
“We have to change that.”
“That’s how I was raised.You can’t change it. ”
“I can change anything I want.” Chris told him.
“Oh I forgot - you rule the world.”
“I rule this part of the world.”
Vin smiled at that. What would the world be like with an unassuming Larabee?
“Just let me get through tomorrow Chris. Once the week anniversary is over, it ought to get better. Right?”
No Chris thought, it never really gets better.
“Yes.” he said.
+ + + + + + +
Chris sank down next to Mary on the top step of the back deck with a weary sigh. Buck had finally been allowed to go home. Billy had just gone to bed, Vin was in bed, and out on the back lawn in the waning daylight, Cowboy was rolling in something only he would find fascinating.
“You know, don’t you?” Chris asked Mary with no preamble. “What they did to him.” He’d suspected it for awhile, but now he was pretty sure she knew.
“They raped him.”
He wanted to know that she knew, but that didn’t mean he wanted her to use that word.
“Buck told you?” he asked, though he didn’t think Buck would’ve done that.
“He confirmed it.” Mary said. “It wasn’t hard to figure out when the poor man was taking a shower every time I turned around. And - he’s frightened. I have never seen Vin Tanner frightened.”
“Neither have I. Sometimes he seems fine and sometimes I’m surprised I don’t find him hiding under the bed.” Chris turned slightly to look up at Vin’s bedroom window. “He’s not sleeping enough, he’s not eating enough and I think he’s taking too damn many painkillers.”
“So do I.” Mary said quietly. “I’m worried what losing Nettie would do to him.”
“He’s got us.” Chris said, a little more forcefully than he intended.
“Honey,” Mary said in her best most patient voice. “Nettie is like his mother, his grandmother. Buck is a fine friend, but he doesn’t replace your mother, does he?”
“No, but if I lost her, I’d sure be glad I had him.”
Now Mary sighed. It was a sigh Chris had heard many times before. It meant she thought he was being deliberately contrary.
“I’m just saying - he’s got us.” He said. That seemed like enough to Chris, he didn’t think he had to explain it anymore than that.
“Yes he does honey.” Mary agreed. “How is he now?”
“Sleeping. Billy gave him Muffin to keep him company.” Chris felt better that Mary knew; at least now he could talk about it openly with her. “He said he doesn’t belong here.”
Mary shook her head. “I’m sure he’s just tired and miserable. How could he not belong with his friends? I hope he knows he’s not getting out of here until we say so.”
“I’ve told him that already. I intend to keep telling him until he believes it.”
“Are you taking him to work tomorrow?”
“Yeah, he wants to go to church first though - no I am not going in with him.” Chris hurried to inform Mary before she could dare to hope. “He said it’ll only be twenty minutes or so. I can sit in the car.”
“Still, it’s very nice of you to take him.”
“Well...I hate leaving him alone when I don’t have to. He won’t ask for help when he needs it and if he gets hurt he keeps it all inside.” Chris explained and suddenly Mary was smiling at him that same way Buck did whenever he said Chris was in ‘protective mode’. “What? Why are you smiling at me? What is so odd about me taking care of a friend?”
“Not odd honey, just nice to see. It’s nice to see you taking care of him, and it’s nice to see him let you take care of him. He doesn’t often let himself be taken care of.”
“Well I’m going to take care of him.”
+ + + + + + +
Lying in the lower bunk, facing the wall, with an arm around Muffin, Vin heard Chris’ footsteps go down the hall. One last check on Billy for the night probably, then there’d be one last check on him. He was halfway asleep anyway, with painkillers and just plain emotional exhaustion, so he figured Chris would just have a look that he was set and not disturb him.
Sure enough, the footsteps came back down the hall and stopped at his door. Vin found himself comforted by the sound; Chris stopped there so naturally, as though checking on him was as ordinary as breathing for Chris. That thought settled Vin and made him feel safe.
A minute later, the light slanted off in the bedroom as Chris pulled the door partially shut and his footsteps went down the stairs. Vin fell asleep.
+ + + + + + +
The next morning started hot and got hotter. Another shower, another shave, and another half-eaten breakfast. Mary didn’t say very much to Vin, which he greatly appreciated, but she kept touching him, which he hated. Patting his shoulder when she set his plate in front of him, then again when she put two iron tablets next to it. She touched his hand when she asked him if he wanted more orange juice and put her hand on his forearm when she handed him Chris’ shirt all nice and clean.
It had to stop, Vin told himself. He couldn’t go on taking and taking from them. It was slowly driving him mad, he could feel it. They were his friends and he could hardly stand to be around them, and the more they did for him the more he wanted to be anywhere away from them.
He had to offer to help. He knew he should offer to help clear the table, wash the dishes, put the salt and pepper and orange juice away, but by the time he felt he’d taken in enough breath to form the offer, everything was done and he was sitting at a cleared table.
“Set?” Chris asked, pulling on his good jacket and turning the collar right side out.
“Yeah.” Vin stood up to follow Chris down the back hall and out into the garage. He’d just about resigned himself to leaving without his painkillers - because he was not going to ask Mary for them again - when Mary put her hand on his arm to stop him.
Without saying anything, but with great meaning in her expression, she handed over the bottle. She had only put five pills back in, just the painkillers, no muscle relaxants. Just enough to get him through the workday.
Vin nodded and didn’t say anything. He put the bottle into the pocket of Chris’ shirt and went out. He got into Chris’ truck, sat back, and closed his eyes for the drive to Josiah’s church.
A week. It’d only been a week since he was attacked. That was so odd. Vin was absolutely sure that his attack had happened years ago, that he’d spent the better part of his life frightened, damaged and dirty. But no, it’d only been a week.
That was so odd.
+ + + + + + +
Chris parked his truck in the back of the church, in the closest parking spot, a couple of dozen yards from the side entrance. Vin stared out the window at the red brick structure before opening his door.
“ ‘preciate it.” he said. “Won’t be long.”
He shut the door and started walking for the church. Halfway there he froze. Maybe they were in there. He hadn’t considered that. Who knew where they came from. The church wasn’t too far from his neighborhood. This could be their parish. If they had a parish. They could be anywhere around here. They could be in the church..
He could go back to the truck. They’d just go to work early, that’s all. Chris would understand. All he had to do was turn around and go back to the truck.
Then again, Josiah was in the church. He wouldn’t let anything happen to Vin. If Vin went into the church and sat in the pew closest to the altar, he’d be okay. Josiah might even let him sit in one of the chairs on the side of the altar if he did duty as altar boy. He’d done that before.
But if he was on the altar, he’d be up there where anybody could see him, and he still had fading bruises on his face and he was too dirty to be up there where anybody could see him but he didn’t want to sit down in the pews where anybody could get to him so he should just turn around and go back to the truck but maybe they were here and watching him already and if he turned around they’d be standing there like they were last week in his bathroom and they’d hurt him again and humiliate him and even the little pieces of his life he’d managed to get back together would fracture all over again and again and he really would lose his mind and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad because then at least -
Vin’s thoughts came to a skidding stop when he heard a car door close. He flinched but was too stiff with fear to turn around or run for the church. In a moment someone - Chris - stood next to him and his fear drained away in such a rush, he almost felt lightheaded.
“They got air conditioning in there?” Chris asked. Vin nodded. “Good. C’mon. It’s too hot out here.”
EIGHTY-ONE
Josiah was in the sanctuary, lighting the candles on the altar and beside the Tabernacle, when he saw Vin and Chris come into the church. He didn’t know who he was more surprised to see. He didn’t think Vin had been doing all that well. The past couple of days that he’d called Chris’ house to talk to Vin, he’d talked to Mary instead and what she said didn’t exactly cheer Josiah. Yesterday’s news really worried him - Vin and Nettie had argued. That just wasn’t good. Add to that the fact that today was the week anniversary of the attack and Josiah wouldn’t have been surprised if it all combined to drive Vin into catatonia. He was glad and grateful that Vin had come here today.Chris was a different story. He was more than just a fallen away Christian - he seemed determined to best God in a staredown. He didn’t like God and he preferred to believe that God didn’t like him. Josiah knew most of the story behind it - via JD courtesy of Buck and he wondered that Chris had kept it from Vin - and the rest of their friends - this long, but he expected it involved a promise to Buck and JD of sudden excruciating death if anybody else found out. Josiah had it on absolute authority - Chris’ word - that he would never set foot in a church again until God came up with one mighty divine explanation for everything that Chris felt was wrong with the world.
Seemed like today at least God had provided Chris with something more powerful than that - He’d given Chris a friend in need.
Josiah smiled - both at God and at his friends taking their seats in the dim church. Vin wasn’t looking at anything that wasn’t on the floor, but Chris quirked an eyebrow at Josiah, daring him to make a remark. Josiah’s smile turned to a grin and he shook his head as he went back to prepare for Mass.
+ + + + + + +
The inside of the old church was cool. A half dozen other people were there already, mostly older ladies and a couple of other men on their way to work. Vin chose a pew towards the middle, far enough away from the next closest person that nobody would try to shake his hand at the Sign of Peace. Chris went in first and Vin sat on the end.
He thought he should pray, that’s what he was here for, wasn’t it? He wanted to pray for - what? He couldn’t even think of what he wanted to pray for, much less do the praying.
Why was he here? Why was he alive for that matter? It seemed his whole life was just a never-ending sequence of escalating bad things. Nothing good ever happened, or never stayed good for long. What was he supposed to do? Could he take his life back? How? What if Amanda wanted to talk to him again? Maybe he could have the stitches taken out somewhere else. Maybe Dr. Hyde could do it. Maybe it didn’t even matter.
He couldn’t pray. Here he was in church and he couldn’t even pray. His body was too sore to kneel and too tired to stand. For the whole short Mass he sat in the pew and didn’t move, didn’t even look up. He was aware of people standing and praying and kneeling and going up to Communion, but he didn’t move.
It was a week. It was one stinking week that took up all of his life and left him with nothing but shame and fear. He couldn’t even go to church without Chris being there with him. He couldn’t even go to bed without Chris having to make sure he was okay. What kind of life was that? Why did he deserve that? Why did God hate him?
He sat in the pew and didn’t move and didn’t pray.
+ + + + + + +
Chris wasn’t Catholic and hadn’t been to a Catholic Mass in years, since a college friend got married. He would’ve sat and stood and knelt when everybody else did, if Vin had been doing it. But he just sat there, so Chris stayed right with him.
Josiah saw them pretty quick. Chris wondered if he was more surprised to see Vin, or to see him. He briefly wondered if Josiah would mind them not actually participating the way the other people were but he didn’t seem to. He frequently looked over at Vin, but he seemed concerned, not annoyed.
The Mass went by faster than Chris remembered that wedding Mass going. Of course, nobody was pronouncing vows here. After the last blessing, as the other people left the church, Josiah caught his eye and motioned for them to wait a minute while he went into the other room. He was out again in a few minutes in street clothes and he came down to their pew. Vin apparently was so far someplace else that he gasped when Josiah put a hand on his shoulder. He looked up, startled. Scared. Chris and Josiah exchanged a glance.
“Vin, it’s good to see you here today. How are you doing?”
“I - I - was just - what?” Vin looked around. “I’m sorry - what?”
“How are you doing Vin?” Josiah’s voice dropped a notch with concern.
“I’m okay.”
Another glance between Chris and Josiah showed that neither man believed him.
“You’re going to work today?” The question was asked equally between Chris and Vin.
“Yeah.” Vin whispered. He was staring down at his feet on the kneeler. Josiah looked at Chris, as he spoke to Vin again.
“You know, I made paella for supper last night, and I’ve got a lot left over. You wanna stay and help me take care of that dripping faucet in the kitchen, I’ll give you lunch. I know you love my paella.”
“Yeah?” Vin didn’t lift his eyes. “No, thanks. I’ll stay with Chris.” He looked up at Chris then. “Okay?”
Chris didn’t want to spend this day away from Vin anymore than it seemed Vin wanted to spend it away from him.
“You bet.”
“What are you doing after work?” Josiah asked.
“I - I - I - don’t know.” Vin stammered and looked at Chris, afraid, like maybe something had been decided behind his back and he was being traded off.
“I’m on strict orders from Mary to bring him straight back home.” Chris answered Josiah and Vin both at the same time. “You know how she is when somebody in the family isn’t feeling well. She takes it as a personal affront if they don’t get better on her watch.”
Vin had turned to Josiah when Chris first started talking, then quickly turned back on the word ‘family’. The fear changed to relief. Chris had used the word purposely, but it didn’t make it any less true. He added to Josiah,
“We were talking about making some time this weekend for your faucet. I know Vin’s got the tools, he thinks we just need to reseat it. Shouldn’t take long.”
“Well I’ll be grateful.” Josiah said, and winked at Vin. “Eternally.” Vin smiled and Chris had to ask,
“How come you don’t make smart remarks about his humor?”
“On account of he’s actually funny.” Was the flat response. But it was as welcome to Chris’ ears as an all-out laugh.
“I’m your boss now.” Chris threatened. “You want to keep your job, you have to be nice to me.”
Still the flat expression. “I’m permanent. You can’t get rid of me.”
Chris growled. “I can’t win with you, can I?”
“No.”
With a deep sigh, working hard not to smile, Chris asked, “You ready to go to work or not?”
“What are you, a slave driver?”
“Josiah, a little help here?”
But Josiah held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I invited him to lunch. You’re the one fighting me to take him with you.” Vin turned a barely restrained smile on Chris.
“I could assign you latrine duty.” Chris tried to threaten again.
“You really want me cleaning your bathroom?”
Chris closed his eyes and shook his head.
“This is what I get for coming to church.”
But Vin was still one step ahead of him. “This is what you get for having friends smarter than you are.”
“Doesn’t he have to go to confession for this?” Chris tried one last appeal to Josiah. Just as Josiah was about to answer, Vin cut in.
“Humility is truth.” he said, standing up stiffly and with a moan. He didn’t even see the hand that Chris put up just in case he needed help.
“What does that mean?” Chris asked.
“It means -.” Vin stifled another moan as he straightened up. “ - that truth hurts.” He shuffled out of the pew and hesitated a moment before genuflecting. “Ow - oh that was not a good idea.” His arm shook as he pulled himself up on the back of the pew. “You coming r’what Larabee? You got a University to conquer in case you forgot.”
“How can I conquer the University when I can’t one up you?” Chris slid out of the pew to stand beside Josiah.
“You should be used to it by now.” Vin said. “Josiah -.” But he stopped there and seemed to be considering his words. “I might take you up on lunch or dinner tomorrow, if the offer’s open?”
“It is.” Josiah said.
“Good. Thanks. Chris? You want me to get the truck for you? Or you think you can walk that far?” He started walking away without even waiting for an answer.
“Has he always been a smart aleck?” Chris asked Josiah.
“No, actually he hasn’t.” Josiah answered brightly. “Only since he met you.”
“Great.” Chris fished his keys out of his back pocket. “Mom always said I brought the best out in people.”
“Yes you do. You know - calling him ‘family’ was just what he needed. I think today is going to be hard on him.”
“He’ll be okay - I’ll watch him.” Chris promised Josiah, and himself.
EIGHTY-TWO
Family.That couldn’t be right.
Vin thought about what Chris had said in the church, as they drove to work. Chris had called him family. At least it seemed like Chris had called him family.
Maybe he heard wrong.
Because that couldn’t be right.
They’d been talking about him not feeling well, and Chris said family was required to get better on Mary’s watch. They were talking about Vin not feeling well and Chris was saying he was taking him home after work because family had to get better on Mary’s watch.
Family.
That couldn’t be right.
“Josiah seemed a little surprised to see you.” Vin said. Maybe talking about something else would keep his mind off what Chris had said. He couldn’t wrap his mind around it, and he had enough stray thoughts ricocheting around in there already, he didn’t need any more.
“I think God was a little surprised to see me too.”
“I know you don’t usually go to church.”
“It was hot in the car.” Chris shrugged. A moment passed.
“You - when you – did you – you -.” In a haze of embarrassed panic, Vin tried not to ask what he wanted to ask but hadn’t intended to ask. you really I’m family? His voice sputtered off into some odd garbled sound and he wished he could sink out of sight in the passenger seat.
“What? I didn’t quite catch that.”
“I don’t know.” Vin lied. “I take those painkillers and I can’t even tell if I’ve got my shoes on the right feet. I think I mighta been going to ask about lunch. My turn to buy you know.”
“Okay.” Chris said, but Vin couldn’t tell if he’d bought the lie or not. “You know, I don’t like how those pills knock you out. I never had a fractured vertebrae, but it doesn’t seem like it hurts you enough to warrant knocking you out two hours out of every four. You should get a second opinion.”
“I don’t want to go to another doctor.” qqq “What about Dr. Hyde?”
Vin didn’t answer. He didn’t want Dr. Hyde to know what had happened. Not that Dr. Hyde would tell anyone. It just felt like having one person in the building know would contaminate everything. He didn’t want even one more person to know.
“Just be careful with them.” Chris said quietly.
“I will.”
+ + + + + + +
The morning progressed quietly enough. Vin figured somebody else must still be working on the James mess since he didn’t hear any cursing or muttering coming from Chris. His own email inbox was full of more Maintenance requests and Groundskeeping reports. Once he’d made his way through those, scheduling work and forwarding important things to Chris, Vin turned to the pile of ‘snail mail’ waiting on the corner of his desk.
Requests for time off. He’d give those to Chris.
Purchase orders that needed to be approved. He’d give those to Chris.
A pointed memorandum on engraved letter head from Mrs. Stevens about tire marks on the Green and reports of Chris’ truck being seen driving near her tulip bed. Definitely going to give that one to Chris.
As he whittled the pile down, Vin thought again about Chris calling him family. That couldn’t be right. Chris couldn’t have meant that.
But Chris always meant what he said.
If Vin thought about, he knew he could probably come up with some instance of Chris saying something he didn’t mean. Nobody could never say something they didn’t mean. Right?
There was that one time they found a couple of high school aged boys out behind the Maintenance barn, sniffing glue. After grabbing the glue and getting their names and calling their parents, Chris told the two that if he ever caught them doing that again, he’d turn their heads inside out so that they could see for themselves just how stupid they were. He hadn’t really meant that, right?
Vin looked over at Chris, who sat with a look of grim concentration on his face as he tried to make some spreadsheet make sense.
Nope, he’d probably meant what he said to those two boys.
Family.
Vin didn’t even know if he wanted to be part of somebody’s family. That was too much responsibility. Too many people to keep track of and worry about.
Too much chance that it wouldn’t last now like it’d never lasted before.
“Chris?”
“Yeah?” Chris finished double checking an entry on his spreadsheet before looking over, and Vin found himself caught in that bind again, starting to ask about what he wanted to know but didn’t want to talk about.
“I got some purchase orders and time off requests here. You want them or should I send them to Gloria? She’s got authority to sign off on them.”
“Send them to Gloria will you? That’ll make my life a whole lot easier.”
“Okay.”
Family. What in the world did that mean anyway? He looked over at Chris again.
For one thing, it seemed like it meant having a friend go to Mass with you when he hadn’t set foot in a church in at least three years, and by all reports several years before that.
And probably it was Mary doing his laundry all the time because she was glad to do it, not because she felt forced to do it.
No doubt it was Buck going miles out of his way every day to make a check of his apartment so that he didn’t worry.
Vin sighed and put his head in his hands.
“You okay?” Chris asked.
“Apparently.”
“You make it sound like such a good thing.”
“I just was thinking.” Vin lifted his head but still couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. About being family. “This has been the worst week of my life.”
“Yeah.” Chris said it slowly, waiting for the next worse comment.
“Just – just – you’ve made it easier is all.” Vin quickly went back to his computer and his emails to not have to look at Chris. “You and Buck and Mary. And you. That’s what I was thinking. That’s all.”
A moment passed and Vin willed himself to not look up. Finally he heard Chris say:
“That’s what family does.”
EIGHTY-THREE
“Hey, it be all right if I was to fire up your coffee maker?” Vin asked Chris. “I took a painkiller and I need some caffeine to keep me awake.”“Sure. I think everything is there.”
“Okay.” The Black & Decker machine sat on an old, squat cabinet across from Chris’ desk. Vin filled the pot in the sink in the bathroom and pulled a filter out of the pack on the bottom shelf.
“How many scoops you usually put in?” he asked, waiting for Chris’ answer with the plastic spoon poised over the small can of coffee.
“I put four in.” Chris said. Vin started scooping, but once the third one was in, he gave a glance back at Chris, then down at the coffee pot.
“What?” Chris asked, puzzled.
“You’re not exactly known for subtle coffee.” Vin told him.
“Coffee is supposed to be subtle?”
“Well leastways it shouldn’t take the paint off a car.”
“You want to stay awake, it’ll keep you awake. You want paint on your car, don’t drink it in the parking lot.”
Vin considered it a bit more and put a very small fourth scoop into the basket. When everything was set and the machine was working, he walked back to his desk with a very tired sigh.
“How’re you holding up?”
“Tolerable I guess. I tried taking only one pill, see if I can skip my morning nap, but it’s trying to sneak up on me all the same.” He settled himself into his chair. “Need to stay awake ‘til lunch anyhow. After I eat though, all bets are off.”
“I could have a cot installed in here for you.”
“Don’t tempt me.” Vin set his arms on the desk and rested his head in his hands. “Just give me a couple minutes to rest my eyes. I’ll be OK.”
Neither of them said anything for a few minutes. Chris went back to reviewing incident reports and Vin stayed with his head in his hands. After the few minutes, without lifting his head, Vin said,
“I can’t believe it’s been a week. It’s like it’s ‘only’ been a week, and it’s ‘already’ been a week. Seems like years sometimes.”
“That’s not an unusual feeling.” Chris said. Vin mumbled something that sounded like an agreement and said nothing else. When the coffee was ready, Chris poured them each a cup. He added powdered creamer to Vin’s and set it on the desk near his arm.
“Here you go.”
“Hunh? Oh. Thanks.” Vin sat back and lifted the cup in his hands. Chris sat on the edge of his own desk with his coffee.
“So, what do you want to do for lunch?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what I feel like.”
“How about we head off campus? Get a change of scenery? With school starting next week, this could be our last chance to find a table at lunchtime.”
“Today’s gonna be really bad, isn’t it?” Vin asked suddenly. It caught Chris a little off-guard, still he managed an answer.
“Yeah, I expect it is.”
“It’s not fair, right? It’s not fair that I’m going through all this?”
“No, it definitely is not fair.”
Vin seemed to accept that. He nodded and took a sip of coffee. Chris watched him a minute.
“It’s just about ten thirty now.” He said. “Why don’t we give your caffeine rush an hour to set in then head off campus for lunch? Go to Inez’s place.”
“Okay.”
+++
Inez wasn’t surprised to see Chris and Vin walk into her restaurant. They came here for lunch two or three times a month. She liked seeing them. Chris could be a little brusque but she’d realized early on that he used his attitude to keep people from finding out that he was really on the shy side.
In contrast, Vin seemed to use shyness as a way to keep people from finding out anything else about him. She hadn’t been able to figure out yet what Vin might be covering, though she seriously doubted it could be anything bad. He was always friendly to talk to and good looking too. If Vin had only half of Buck Wilmington’s smooth charm, he’d have twice as many of his conquests.
Today though, something was wrong. She could see that almost as soon as they walked in. Vin had his hands shoved into his pockets with his shoulders hunched which was an unusual posture for him. He looked like he was in pain.
She walked over to them, intending to ask Vin what was wrong, but when she got close enough she saw a fear in his eyes that she recognized as a silent request that she not ask him anything. So she put a smile on her face and greeted them warmly.
“It’s good to see you two. Your usual table I’m sure. Come on and I’ll get you some menus.”
Chris smiled and Vin tried to and she turned to lead them to the booth they usually occupied when it was just the two of them. They had no sooner sat down than Vin sighed and slid out again.
“Too much coffee.” He complained. “I’ll be back.”
When he was gone and Inez was laying out menus and paper placemats, she asked Chris, “Is he OK?”
“He hurt his back.”
“Bad?”
She thought at first that Chris was going to say ‘no’ and brush off her concern. But he nodded. “Yeah, pretty bad.”
“What happened? Is that what the others were so concerned about last Sunday?”
“I suppose it could’ve been.” He didn’t seem to want to offer any more information. She decided not to push it.
“Let me know if he needs anything.”
“I will.”
+ + + + + + +
“No more coffee.” Vin muttered to himself as he zipped up his jeans and washed his hands and tried to stretch the ache out of his back. “No more four scoop coffee.”
The combination of the caffeine high and the medicative lull made him feel weirdly fuzzy. He hoped eating would help, and that wasn’t something he thought he’d be hearing himself saying anytime soon. He was glad school hadn’t started yet so he didn’t have to navigate his unsteady course through a lunch-rush of college kids. He just wanted to get to the table and sit and eat and then later quietly implode while all of last week’s horror revisited him as the afternoon wore on.
He slid back into the booth and tried to be comfortable on the hard bench.
“I ordered you a root beer.” Chris told him.
“Thanks.” Vin would’ve preferred a real beer, but drinking it on top of his painkiller would only land him face down in his lunch. He opened his menu but had a hard time deciding what to order. He wanted to eat to see if he could lose the shakes, but he wasn’t sure what his stomach would handle. On top of that, his brain kept making him remember what he’d been doing last week at the precise time, as the time wore down to when he was attacked.
“You going somewhere?” Chris’ voice surprised him. “You keep looking at the clock.”
“Just thinking – remembering – last week. Counting down the minutes.” He cut off whatever Chris tried to say. “I told you, it’s always there. I can’t help but think about it. It’s just worse today. It’s like remembering the morning just before the Towers went down. How everything seemed fine and normal and then nothing was the way it was before. That’s all. I can’t help it. It’s just always there.”
Chris started to say something again, then seemed at a loss. Finally something seemed to occur to him.
“You know, when I was younger and had a headache, my Mom would always offer to kick me in the shin so I’d forget about the headache.”
Vin squinted at Chris, then pointedly slid to the farthest end of the booth.
“Thanks, I’ll manage.” They both laughed and Vin slid back again. He got serious. “I was thinking, after work, could we – would you – I thought – I think -.” He gave up, sighed and closed his eyes. Maybe he should’ve had that beer anyway. When he spoke again, he did so very precisely. He had a hard time looking at Chris as he said it.
“After work, I’d like to go to my apartment. I’d like to be at my apartment at the time it happened. I don’t know if it’ll do me any good, but it just feels like once I get past the week, past the time it happened a week ago, it feels like I’ll be able to get past it. Some of it anyway. If that’s okay. With you.”
Chris nodded. “I’ll be there with you.”
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