JD came back from the bathroom and took his seat again. "You feeling better?" Buck asked. He almost really meant it."You did that on purpose."
"Yeah I did - I told the truth on purpose." Buck pushed a fresh bottle of beer towards JD. "What’d you think? They knocked on his door and said, ‘hey, can we come in and destroy your life?’ and Vin just said ‘okay’? Geez JD, get a clue why don’t you?" That put a hurt look on JD’s face.
"I don’t know why you’re mad at me..." He sounded a little sullen. "It’s not like I did anything -."
"Y’told Ezra." Buck interrupted him, rattling his grievances off like a shopping list. "Told Casey so that Nettie found out. And you’re angry at Vin like he did something wrong." JD didn’t say anything. "What - did I miss something?" Buck sniped. JD shot him as nasty a look as he ever had.
"I didn’t do anything wrong."
"Neither did Vin.”
After a brief visual standoff, JD threw some money down on the table and stormed out of the restaurant.
+ + + + + + +
He wasn’t going to get away. No matter what he tried or how hard he fought, he wasn’t going to get away. He couldn’t call for help. Wouldn’t call for help. Nobody could know. Nobody could ever know. He wasn’t going to get away. Please God just make them stop. Somebody make them stop.
Vin sat up in bed with a sharp gasp, chilled through and shaking with fear. Even with the narrow shaft of light coming through the doorway, it took a few long seconds for his eyes to adjust to the room. He was alone. No attackers lurking in the shadows, no blood or gore or worse covering him. Just a dream, he realized. Just a nightmare.
Then he realized something else.
+ + + + + + +
"I tell you Chris - you shoulda seen how many shades of green that boy turned before I finally got him to lose his lunch." Buck slouched on the sofa, holding a bottle of beer in his hand; Chris was in the recliner with his own bottle. "You woulda been proud a’me."
"I gotta hand it to you Buck, you sure do know how to teach a lesson."
"Yessir, I reckon I must’ve been a teacher in another universe." Buck said. Chris laughed and shook his head at the thought of Buck being a teacher. Just as he was taking another sip of beer, they heard some noise overhead. "Sounds like Vin’s awake."
"Yeah." Chris folded up the recliner and set his bottle down. "I’m gonna check on him." He stretched as he stood up, and scrubbed a hand through his hair as he headed for the stairs.
"Hey Vin - you awake finally?" he called as he got to the upstairs hallway. "Buck’s over, Mary saved you some dinner...Vin?" He pushed on the partially open bedroom door - and found the room in chaos. Sheets and blankets were piled on the floor, and Vin stood next to them, clutching the bedspread in front of himself. He was still dressed, barefoot, and his face was a red as if he’d been sunburned.
"I - I - I - just - I -."
In a flash, Chris understood what had happened, and found himself faced with the delicate problem of helping a friend, without compromising the dignity of an intensely proud, private man.
"Hang on a second." Chris said, sounding as though he only had to go answer the phone. He went to his own room and came back with pajamas and a robe. He held them out to Vin. "Trade you." Vin still tried to stammer something out, and stared down at the crumple of bedspread twisted in his hands. Finally he shook his head.
"I - can’t." he whispered.
"You let me take care of this, and you - well, I’ll leave these on the sink...." Chris gestured to the bathroom.
"Stop it." Vin hissed. "Just leave me alone. I don’t want you here." He wouldn’t look up. He was shaking now, and his face had gone even redder. Chris didn’t know what to do. Should he leave, should he stay? What could he possibly say? Finally he just walked up to Vin and put his hand on the bedspread. He tugged on it a little, and offered the pajamas and robe one more time. Vin took a deep, shuddering breath.
"Why is this happening to me? What’s the matter with me?"
"Vin -." Chris moved his hand but Vin pulled away.
"Don’t touch me." His voice dropped. He sounded like he was crying. "Don’t touch me. I’m dirty, don’t touch me." What was there to do? Chris felt his own anguish building, both from the pain Vin was going through in front of him, and the memory of other pain from years before.
What’s wrong with me?
Before he could talk himself out of it, Chris tossed the pajamas onto the desk behind Vin and pulled him into a hug.
"You’re not dirty Vin." he whispered. "And even if you were, you could never be so dirty that I wouldn’t touch you." He could feel Vin trembling, but he wasn’t crying. "You had a long, hard day. You got shoved into a stone wall. Your painkillers knocked you out, you slept too hard, you probably had a nightmare?" A slight nod told him he’d guessed right. "You haven’t eaten in eight hours, now you’ve got painkiller hangover. There isn’t anybody could stand up under all that..."
+ + + + + + +
Vin went in to take a shower, and Chris took care of the room. He bundled the blankets and sheets to take down to the washer, but he only made it as far as the stairs. He dropped the bundle and sank down. Memories of Stephen overwhelmed him.
What’s the matter with me?
“Chris?” Buck’s voice, so close, startled him. “Everything OK?” He could see Buck looking at him, and at the pile of laundry. Chris stood and picked it up again.
“Yeah, I just – got distracted. Vin’s – I just have to –.” Chris walked past Buck and headed for the washer, grateful when he didn’t hear Buck following him. Stephen felt too close, and Chris felt sick.
+ + + + + + +
Mary and Billy had taken Cowboy for his nightly walk. Chris was grinding his teeth and doing laundry. Vin was taking a shower. Buck dropped back into the couch and put his head in his hands. He needed to regroup. Something had spooked Chris, Buck could tell that he was carrying more downstairs than just that armful of bedding. He could also pretty well imagine what had happened to Vin, but right now, Buck considered Chris the priority. He took one more moment to send up a prayer, then stood and walked out to the kitchen.
“So, how’s Vin doing?” he tried to sound nonchalant. “Should I throw his plate into the microwave for him?”
“Um, he’s – hungover. The painkillers, y’know?” Chris sounded unsure. “I don’t know what Nathan’s got him on, but I don’t think it should be that strong…” He turned on the washer and came into the kitchen. “We should heat up his food, he needs to eat.”
“Okay.” Buck took the plate out of the fridge and peeled back the Saran Wrap before setting it into the microwave to reheat. “How’re you doing?”
“It’s too much.” Chris said, suprising Buck with his honesty. “Seems like every step he takes is just sending him farther and farther into hell.” Buck was going to remind Chris that he said he’d ask for help when he needed it, but maybe he hadn’t realized yet that he needed it.
“And you right along with him Pard…”
“It feels like Steve.”
“It’s not Steve.”
+ + + + + + +
Vin could hear Buck and Chris talking about something as he came through the front hallway to the kitchen. He was fully dressed, still wearing Chris’ shirt like a jacket. He’d managed to carry his packed duffel bag down the stairs, but now he was dragging it behind him. “I’m going home.”
“Why?” Chris asked.
“I can’t stay here. I can’t do this to you anymore. I need to be – where nobody has to look out for me.”
“Well you might find a place where nobody has to look out for you Vin.” Buck said. “But you’ll never find a place where nobody is looking out for you.” Vin shook his head.
“Just give me my keys and let me get outta here.” But Buck hesitated at handing over the keys. “I can’t stay here.” Vin repeated when nobody moved. “I’ll get my keys.” Chris said. “We’ll take my truck.” As much as Vin appreciated hearing those words, they grated on the one nerve he seemed to have left.
“I don’t want you to go with me.”
“Look -.” Chris sounded a little annoyed at first, but he lowered his voice. “We already discussed your day from hell. I’m not letting you drive while you still have those painkillers and muscle relaxants in your system. I’m not going to leave you alone overnight when you can barely stand up straight and you can’t even carry your own luggage. If it’s me you don’t want to be around, we can work something out. But I’m not leaving you alone and that’s final.”
Vin thought about putting up a fight, arguing that he’d be all right on his own, he’d been taking care of himself for half his life now, since his Dad died. But all it came down to was that he didn’t want to humiliate himself in front of Chris anymore. It didn’t matter that the thought of spending the night alone in his apartment terrified him. It didn’t matter that he probably wouldn’t be able to carry his gear back up the stairs in his building. He just wanted to be someplace where nobody could see all the pain and terror and shame he was going through. qqq He must’ve been taking too long to answer, because Chris set his hands on his hips and gave Vin that look. “Well?” And Vin realized that Chris had seen his pain and his terror and his humiliation – and still wanted to look out for him. He dropped the strap of his duffel bag.
“Somebody’s gonna have to take that back upstairs for me.”
FIFTY-SEVEN
Vin stared down at the plate of food in his lap. He prodded his mind to identify and record what it was before he ate it, but the process felt like a train trying to go uphill.Roast beef. Finally registered. Potatoes, broccoli, carrots and gravy. Once the information had been filed appropriately in his memory, Vin began to eat. He was sitting out on the deck, leaning against the railing. He wanted the air and he wanted the shadows cast by the light shining through the sliding glass doors.
He didn’t feel like eating, but his hands were shaking and not from cold, so he figured maybe he ought to eat. His face felt as hot as if he was standing too close to a fire and, even with eating, his mouth was dry and he didn’t taste anything. The door slid open behind him and Buck came out. He sat near Vin on the top step, and set a glass of ice tea next to him.
"How’re you doing?"
"I wish I was dead."
Instead of chiding him, or expressing dismay, Buck put his hand on Vin’s shoulder and gave a squeeze. "I can understand you feeling that way. I expect it’s normal. I’d be worried if everything was hunky dory. How’re you feeling other than that? I heard you fell at work."
"Nathan pushed me." Vin said. He felt Buck stiffen, and he looked up into an angry face. "No, not exactly." He added, recognizing Buck’s "war path" look. "He was tugging me to go to the clinic, when I pulled away I fell…"
"I’ll go with the first answer anyway." Buck told him. "He oughtta know better."
"Hmmph." Vin drank some ice tea. "You’re in that frame a’mind, you could start with Rain. She’s got as much compassion as an iceberg." He finished all the ice tea in a few more swallows.
"You want me to put the fear of God into them now, or wait until the opportunity presents itself?" Buck was dead serious, Vin could tell. He almost said, do it now.
"I still have to see them, s’pose it wouldn’t do any good to rile ‘em."
"There’s other doctors in the world Vin. Remember that. There’s other everything in the world." He took the glass from Vin. "You want me to get you some more ice tea?"
"Yeah, thanks." But then Vin thought about it. "Wait, no. No thanks. I don’t want anymore." Halfway to standing up, Buck sat back down.
"Dehydrating yourself isn’t going to help." He said gently.
"Then what the hell is going to help?" Vin demanded. "Because I sure am tired of feeling this way." He didn’t mean to snap, but he felt like there was just so much coming at him at once that he couldn’t sort it all out.
"Well…” Buck rested his elbows on his knees. “I’d say that first you have to understand what you’re feeling, and then why you’re feeling it. You have to understand what you can control and don’t beat yourself up over what you can’t control. Being attacked this way gives you a whole lot more buttons for people to not even know they’re pushing. You gotta pay attention, and you gotta remember to cut some people - including yourself - some slack."
Vin paid close attention to what Buck said. It made sense. It seemed to make sense. It made him feel better anyway. "You sound like you been through this yourself." he said, before he realized what he was implying.
"No." Buck shook his head. He sounded serious, and in no way insulted. "I haven’t."
"So - is Chris staying away from me on purpose?" Vin asked, gesturing over his shoulder.
"Naah, first he took your bag back upstairs, then the washer was making a funny noise, now Mary’s got him looking at a worry sore on Cowboy’s back leg..."
"Life surely does go on..." Vin took another few bites of food.
"Is it Chris you don’t want to see?" Buck asked. He still had the empty glass in his hand.
"No. It’s me I don’t want Chris to see. I can’t keep making him -" Vin didn’t want to reveal too much, but Buck already knew pretty much everything else. “- take care of me, pick up after me, clean up after me..."
"And just how do you think you’re making Chris take care of you?" Buck asked. Vin thought about it, he knew there was a simple answer, if only he could think of it.
"Don’t argue with me Buck, I’m too tired."
"Okay." Buck gave Vin’s shoulder a light shove with his own. "I’ll get you some more tea."
"Okay Buck. Thanks..." Buck went into the house. Vin wasn’t surprised when it was who Chris brought the tea back out.
"How’re you doing?" Chris asked, echoing Buck’s question, and taking his spot on the top step. Vin wouldn’t give him the answer he’d given Buck.
"Not hunky dory, in case that was one of my options...thanks..." Vin took the glass and drank some tea. "Buck said Cowboy’s got a sore leg?”
“Yeah, for some reason this time of year, he gets to licking his back leg ‘til he puts a sore on it. After awhile, he stops. Until next year. We’ve tried everything, short of putting one of those big stupid collars on him.”
“Chris –.” Vin wasn’t sure how to broach the subject with him, but he wanted Chris’ opinion. “You think maybe I need to see somebody? Talk to somebody about – what happened?”
“No.” Chris’ tone left no question. “You don’t need to have some overpaid, overeducated, pompous blowhard poking around inside of your brain, telling you things you already know, and making up everything else to suit her agenda. You know what happened, we know what happened. Yeah, it may take awhile to sort through it all, but I’m not going anywhere. Okay?”
“Okay.” Vin was actually comforted by Chris’ stand. He didn’t want to go talk to somebody, and if Chris said he didn’t have to, then he didn’t have to. “I guess maybe I shouldn’t take painkillers and muscle relaxants together anymore.”
“I’m only worried that you’ll take too many and stop breathing. That’s the only thing I’m worried about. Anything else Vin - anything else we can take care of. There’s nothing else that can’t be cleaned up, straightened up, or put back together. Okay?”
“Okay.”
+ + + + + + +
Buck sat down at the kitchen table across from Mary. She had a very distressed look on her face. “You want t’talk about it?” Buck asked. Billy was in the front room, watching “101 Dalmatians”.
“He was raped, wasn’t he?” Her question caught Buck off guard. He started to answer, decided he shouldn’t, then tried to figure out if maybe he should. “It’s Chris I’m worried about.” She went on. “As long as he has something constructive to do, as long as he’s helping Vin or at least feels like he’s helping, he’ll be okay. But if there ever comes a time when he feels like he isn’t helping, or there isn’t anything he can do – Buck you remember what happened with Steve. I don’t want Chris to go through that again.”
“Mary – Vin’s okay. I’m mean, he’s going through normal trauma with this, but there’s still a pattern and a process we can look out for. This isn’t like mental illness where everything can be off the map.”
“You know how Chris can be.”
“I know. It’s his way or no way, most of the time. But Mary - Chris is in “protective mode” right now, and right now Vin needs that. When he needs less, he’ll let Chris know. It may come to buttin’ heads maybe, but that’ll be a good thing too. It’ll mean Vin is getting his strength back, physical and otherwise.” Mary nodded, but he could still see the worry in her face. “And anyway, while Chris is watching Vin’s back – you know I’m watching Chris’.”
+ + + + + + +
Chris sat with Vin a long while. After Vin was done with dinner, and Chris took his plate and glass into the kitchen, they sat in the Adirondack chairs and stared out into the darkness, and didn’t say anything. It’d been a long day and if – as Chris suspected might happen – Vin decided he didn’t want to go back to bed, it might turn out to be a long night too. Buck had gone home, Mary was watching videos with Billy, and Chris was trying to figure out what to do tomorrow about Vin and work. He didn’t want to leave him alone, and he didn’t want to put him through another day like today.
“Josiah might be calling later on.” Vin said, after awhile. “Thought I might see if he’d want me to come over tomorrow and work on his sink…hell, work on his whole kitchen…it’d give me someplace to be.”
“What do you want to do, Vin?”
“I don’t know. Work was OK today as long as I was with you. And that’s a hell of a way for a grown man to get any work done.”
“It’s just natural you’d feel safer around a friend.” Chris said. Vin gave a laugh.
“Gee, being around Ezra and JD sure didn’t make me feel safer.” He didn’t sound like he was being sarcastic; he was smiling. “And Nathan sure has a way of making a person feel safe that should come with armor…” The food and the sleep must have made him feel better, which Chris was grateful for. “Hate to make you feel like you’re stuck with me Chris, that’s all. I figure I’d feel safe with Josiah too, and you could get your work done.”
“I’m bound to be stuck in a Board Meeting all day tomorrow.” Chris said. “Doubt I’ll get any work done anyway. If you want, you can stay home tomorrow, get your work emails on our computer. Take care of things that way.”
“What do you think I should do?” Vin asked, and Chris thought about it.
“I’d rather you stuck with me.”
FIFTY-EIGHT
Josiah did call later, Mary let Vin know, and his body resisted any movement as he tried to stand up without looking like he was completely broken down. He tried to stand up straight, tried not to shuffle, tried to swallow the soft groan of pain as all of his muscles, bones, and joints readjusted to being upright. He tried, but he wasn’t exactly successful. He set himself down in the kitchen chair near the phone and took in a deep breath of air before picking up the handset.“Hey Josiah.”
“Hey Vin – how did things go today?”
“Oh, there isn’t enough time in the world to accurately describe just how bad today was. I got sick, I fell, I – I – had nightmares. I had to see Ezra and JD, and Judge Travis. It was just an all-around barrel of laughs.”
“How did you fall?” Josiah asked. Though Vin took a breath with every intention of answering, nothing came out. After a few moments of silence, Josiah went on. “Are you all right? Did you get hurt when you fell?”
“I – I –.” To answer the question honestly would take more words than Vin had the energy for, and he stammered into silence again.
“Is Chris with you now?” Josiah tried. He didn’t sound annoyed or impatient.
“He’s in the family room.”
“Okay, as long as you’re in good hands, I’ll let you go. Sounds like you had a pretty rough day.”
“Josiah?” Vin said it fast, before Josiah had a chance to hang up.
“Yep?”
But then Vin couldn’t think of what he wanted to say. Some need or fear or pain or something was welling up inside his chest and it seemed like if he could just tell somebody about it, or maybe if he could get Josiah to realize it without even saying anything, it seemed like it would go away. But he couldn’t think what to say.
“Did you want to talk to Chris?” he asked instead.
“If he wants to talk to me.”
“Okay, hold on. I’ll – hold on.” Vin set the receiver down and shuffled his way back into the family room. “Chris? Josiah.” Chris definitely looked puzzled.
“He wants to talk to me?”
“I couldn’t think of anything to say,” Vin admitted. Chris gave a nod of understanding and headed into the kitchen. Mary stood up from the couch, and started to come toward Vin. It made him want to run from the room – she was only going to ask him questions like Josiah that he couldn’t answer.
“Hey Vin!” Billy asked. “You wanna watch 'The Ghost and Mr. Chicken' with us?”
“Uh – no. Thanks Billy. Think I’m gonna head back upstairs. Mary.” He backed up a few steps until he was in the front hallway, hoping to make a clean getaway to the stairs. But Mary followed him.
“Vin – do you need anything?”
“Nah, I’m all right. Just tired. Thanks.” He said it too fast and too stiff to be fooling anybody. “I’m just gonna go lay down. Okay?” He started up the stairs before she could answer. He found his bedroom - the bedroom – neat and tidy and clean. Chris had picked up all the laundry, and remade the bed. Vin stood there and stared at it a good long while before he admitted to himself that he just couldn’t lie down on that mattress again. He pulled the chair over and got into the top bunk instead.
+ + + + + + +
After a brief conversation with Josiah, Chris went upstairs looking for Vin. Just as he stepped into the doorway of the guest room, Vin asked him, “Leave the light off?”
“Sure.” Chris walked over to the bunk beds, he was surprised that Vin was in the top bunk, pressed so far back against the wall that his face was hidden in the shadows, even when he pushed himself up on one elbow. “What are you doing up here?” Chris asked.
“Hiding.” They were nearly eye level; on the bunk, Vin was a little higher.
“I cleaned the mattress and flipped it over.” Chris felt bad saying it; he didn’t want to bring the incident back up to Vin but he thought he ought to tell him.
“I figured you did – I just couldn’t do it.”
“Just be careful not to fall off the edge if you take another muscle relaxant.” Chris tried to sound more casual than concerned. Vin didn’t say anything for a long time, and Chris wondered if he was going to swear off painkillers altogether. When Vin finally did say something, it shocked the hell out of Chris.
“They raped me.”
What could Chris say to that? “Yes.”
“They destroyed my life.”
“Vin – only you can destroy your life.” Chris stepped closer to the bed and rested his hands on the bed rail. “What happened, what they did to you, the damage they did to your apartment and your pictures and CDs – that’s not you, that’s not your life.” Chris wanted to be comforting and supportive, to give Vin some strength and help him see that he was more than the crime that had been committed against him. “Who you are and what your life is comes from inside you.” In the darkness, he couldn’t see Vin’s face, so he couldn’t see what reaction he was getting. Vin turned to lie down on his back.
“Chris – they were inside me," he said. Chris felt sick.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“It doesn’t matter what you meant.”
Chris didn’t know what to say next. He kept his hands on the bedrail, but bent his head down, hoping – praying – for the right thing to say. So far, it seemed he was doing a lousy job.
“I know what you meant,” Vin said after some silence. He didn’t move; he lay staring up at the dark ceiling. He sounded weary.
“I didn’t think how it was going to sound.”
“Well I am glad you don’t have a lot of practice with this.” Vin turned his head a little to look at Chris. “I think it might hurt worse if you were glib.”
“It shouldn’t hurt at all.”
“But it will, Chris. It’ll keep hurting until – until I don’t know when. I still miss my Dad and I hate to think this is gonna hurt me for that long. I know there’s crisis hotlines or whatever, at school or out in the real world but…”
“You don’t need to talk to a therapist or counselor or anybody Vin,” Chris said.
“I hope not. I tried talking to a counselor at school after Dad died. It was like talking to a damn parrot. I’d say ‘I miss my Dad’ and he’d nod and say ‘So you miss your Dad.’” Vin mimicked an older voice. “And I’d say, ‘yeah it’s lonely without him’ and he’d go ‘hmm…I see. You’re lonely without him.’ I tell you, that lasted about twice. I can just see discussing this with an idiot like that. It’d be bad enough having to say it to somebody, I don’t want to hear echoed back at me.”
“You don’t need to talk to anybody,” Chris repeated. Vin turned back to stare at the ceiling.
“Good.” He took a deep breath. “So, what’d Josiah have to say?”
“He said to take care of you. Call him if you need anything, anytime.”
“Yeah. I just hate feeling like this Chris. I feel sick most of the time, or scared, or like somebody must be sneaking up behind me. Worse, if I’m not feeling any of those things, I feel – y’know I haven’t even read Maria’s letter yet. She’s such a sweet kid and whatever she wrote or put in that letter is just to make me feel better and all it’ll do is make me feel worse. Make me feel like I don’t deserve her wanting me to feel better. That I shouldn’t feel better. Alls I feel like now is like I’m carrying a handful of glass and if I don’t hang on tight enough I drop it, and if I hang on too tight I cut myself wide open.”
“Vin -.” Chris chose his words carefully, trying to figure out ahead of time how he could possibly misspeak. “It’s OK to drop it. Do you know that? It’s okay to drop the whole thing and let the pieces just go where they will. It’s better than standing there bleeding, trying to pretend nothing is wrong.”
“If I drop it Chris,” Vin spoke very precisely. “I’ll never get them the pieces back together again.” Chris thought a while longer for a reasonable answer.
“The pieces you don’t get back are the pieces you don’t have in your hand now anyway Vin.”
“Getting’ a might glib there Chris,” Vin said after a few long moments, but Chris could hear a little lightheartedness in his voice. Chris smiled at that.
“I’m just trying to tell you that if you drop it, you drop. We’ll pick it up. I know you said today that everything is falling on you at once, and I know it must feel that way. But – but don’t drag today with you into tomorrow. Okay? Let’s just pick a fight with each day as it comes. It will get better Vin, time does heal all wounds.”
“Hmm.” Vin was back to sounding like he wasn’t buying it. “If that was true, nobody would ever die of gangrene.”
FIFTY-NINE
Dawn – and Chris – found Vin asleep on the top bunk in the guest room. He’d kicked his sneakers off, but otherwise was still dressed, with his parents held close even in sleep. Chris didn’t walk too far into the room; he didn’t want to risk waking Vin. He was surprised actually that Vin had slept so soundly, all night long. The bottle of painkillers was still on the desk where Chris had put it last night, so he didn’t think Vin took anymore. He couldn’t say about the muscle relaxant though.Vin was turned onto his side, with his back pressed against the wall. He hadn’t pulled any blankets over himself, and he still had Chris’s shirt on over his own. Air coming through the window screen kept the room from being too hot, and he seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
For a few moments, Chris stood in the doorway and just watched Vin breathe. At least if he was asleep, nothing was clawing at him. Maybe it was being a parent, and the same kind of relief Chris felt whenever Billy was sick, knowing that as long as he was sleeping quietly he was safe, healing, and in no pain.
This wasn’t the Vin that Chris wanted to be watching though. He wanted the Vin that could always find something to laugh at, or the one that would get so sneaky whenever they had a game of football going in the yard. Chris wanted the Vin that always seemed in sync or even one step ahead of what Chris felt or thought or needed.
He wanted the Vin whose life hadn’t been destroyed and whose soul hadn’t been shredded.
Today, Chris knew, he was in for an all-day meeting with the Board to oust James. He didn’t want to bring Vin to work just to leave him by himself, and he couldn’t ask him to sit all day in a hard chair and a close room, listening to an endless round-robin of arguments and fabrication.
Chris made a decision, and headed back downstairs to make a phone call.
+ + + + + + +
Vin knew as soon as he opened his eyes that morning was nearly over. The room was too hot and the traffic was too noisy to be early morning. He wondered why Chris hadn’t gone to work. Maybe that killer headache was back. He eased himself off the top bunk, set his parents’ picture on the desk, and went downstairs to find out what was going on.
The house was quiet. Cowboy came to greet him as he crossed the front hall and walked into the kitchen, and he reached out to pat the dog’s head. He tried to ask ’where is everybody?’ but his mouth was too dry. He’d get a glass of water and ask Chris what why they hadn’t gone to work. He stopped dead in the kitchen doorway though – Buck sat at the kitchen table, reading the paper. He was alone.
“Is Chris okay?” Vin managed to say around his dry mouth. It was the only thing that mattered to him at the moment. Buck looked up from the paper
“Well, considering he’s sitting in the middle of a board meeting right now, I suppose he’s okay. How’re you doing?”
“He went to work?” Vin asked. Now he was confused. “Why didn’t he take me?”
“Because you had a pretty rough day yesterday, and he wanted to spare you that today. Especially if he was going to be locked in that meeting all day.” Buck folded the paper and stood up from the table. “Why don’t we get some grub into you? It’s been awhile since you ate last.”
“But -.” Vin let his first thought hang there. He didn’t want to come right out and say ‘I want to be with Chris, I don’t want to be with you.’ That just didn’t seem friendly. “Last night Chris said he wanted me to stay with him.”
“This morning he wanted you to get more sleep. C’mon and eat some breakfast.” Buck urged him. “Later on I’ll take you to the campus if you want. Might be he’ll get himself sprung early.”
“Okay. Let me just go and get washed up.” Though he didn’t really feel like eating. “I’ll be right back.”
+ + + + + + +
Buck didn’t like the way Vin looked. He was too pale and too thin, and even with the bruises under his eyes nearly faded, his eyes were dark with fatigue. He also figured, from Vin’s expression and tone of voice, that it wasn’t Buck he’d expected – or wanted – to find sitting here. Not that he blamed Vin. You find yourself a security in the midst of chaos, it was hard to let go of it.
Well, if it came to it, Buck would just page Chris to get him out of the meeting. Or send him a text message on his cell phone. If he knew Chris - and he knew Chris - the world could go to hell in its own handcart before he let anything get in the way of tending to Vin.
And if they just happened to wheel that handcart right over Mrs. Stephens’ tulip bed, so much the better.
Buck’d just started getting things together to make breakfast when Vin came back into the kitchen. “I don’t want anything.” He said, looking at the pan and carton of eggs on the counter top. “I’m not hungry.” He sure didn’t sound like he was telling the truth. Buck urged him into one chair, and set himself right in front of Vin in another.
“Is it bad?” he asked. Vin didn’t seem surprised that he’d guessed.
“No.” Vin shook his head. “It just hurts. Not a lot of blood but it just hurts so bad. I don’t want to go to Nathan.” He added sharply before Buck even had a chance to suggest it. “You know what he said he’d have to do if it doesn’t heal? I’m not going back to Nathan.”
“What would he have to do?” Buck kept his voice low. He had the idea that Vin wanted to talk about it.
“I’d have to have surgery.” Vin told him. “He said – he said the ring of muscle is so tight…” he looked down and Buck followed his line of sight down to where Vin had curled his forefinger into his thumb in approximation of what he was talking about. “…that it pulls the edges of the laceration apart. He said that if it doesn’t heal, I’ll have to have surgery to fix it. I don’t want to have surgery there. Not anywhere. I want this to just be over.”
“You don’t want to hurt anymore either, do you Vin? You might even be risking infection if it doesn’t heal.” The same as he had the other morning, Buck reached out to lay his hand on Vin’s shoulder. Vin didn’t try to shake it off, though he seemed to duck a little lower into himself.
“Rain wanted to give me some cortisone cream, to try and make it heal, but – it had an applicator. You know?” He looked at Buck. His face had gone dark red. “A plunger kind of applicator that you fill up with the cream and then – then – I couldn’t do that. How the hell could she even think that I’d – after what happened? That’s just not right.”
“She just wants you to get better.” Buck tried. From what Chris had told him though, Rain was not on Buck’s “A” list just now.
“No, she wants me to be better. It happened, it’s over, end of story. She could’ve at least given me as long as it’s taking for the bruises to heal.”
“Vin…” But Buck wasn’t sure what he had in mind to say next. “For right now, we’ll just agree that Rain lives on another planet. Okay? I don’t expect to be ‘be’ better, neither does Chris. But we do want you to get better. If it comes to surgery –.” He saw the hard look Vin gave him. “It’ll be your decision, but whatever you decide, me and Chris’ll be right here. Will that do for you, for right now? We can’t take the physical pain away from you, but anytime you need to talk, or just have somebody nearby – we can do that for you.”
Vin shook his head at first, and Buck wondered what he might be disagreeing with. He watched Vin’s face though and saw him almost smile. “I just can’t see Chris comfortably sitting though a discussion of blood, lacerations, and why I intend to be on a liquid diet the rest of my life. But yeah, I know what you mean.” He took a deep breath and sat a little straighter.
“I just want this to stop being the only thing that ever happened to me. I want it to stop taking up so much room in my brain.”
“That’ll happen Vin. Count on it. Even just before when you walked into the kitchen, the first thing you asked about was Chris. It’ll be slow maybe, but it’ll happen.” Buck said. Vin nodded. “Okay, so how about I make you a milkshake for breakfast? It won’t be The Larabee Lush, but they don’t call it the Wilmington Wonder for nothing.”
“The Wilmington Wonder?” Vin gave him a skeptical look, but shrugged. “Sure – I’m willing to risk it.” Buck gave his shoulder a pat before standing and going to the refrigerator for the ingredients.
“What do want to do after breakfast?” he asked Vin. “I’m free the whole day, and the weather’s great. Be a shame to waste it.”
“I think…” Vin said it as though he was making up his mind even as he spoke. “…that I’d like to go to my apartment.”
Comments to: sullivan_e2@yahoo.com