"Just like a punk-kid! You all come in here thinking you're so smart, streetwise, right? 'Cept it ain't the streets in here, I guess you're starting to figure that out. What got you over on the outside don't work in juvie.""But you got all the answers, right? You didn't want to talk to me when you first came in here, remember tough guy? What did you say to yourself? 'Who's the older kid with his face all fucked up and a limp? What could he possibly know?' It's called a port wine stain birthmark and no, I can't get it fixed."
"Well, I'll tell you what I know, kid. More than you. So sit down. I'll talk. You'll listen. No! Not on my cot! The cot is for the big dog. You're the pup. That's it, on the floor. All right then, ring the bell. School is in session."
"To survive this hole, the Denver Division of Youth Correction of the Juvenile Justice System of the great state of Colorado, what a fuckin' mouthful, you have to be bold. In order to be bold you have to reach a state where you just don't care. Get to that place where there is nothing left to lose. Then you'll get a look deep within your eye, like a second pupil. The eyes tell all, my man. Your mouth can run all sorts of shit; your muscles can be all big and bulging, your arms can be swinging; but without that look in your eye—it don't mean squat. See, without that look I'm not scared of you, and neither is anyone else who has anything down. Especially with those baby blues of yours. You paying attention, junior?"
"You better be if you want to make it in here. The look in your eye is invaluable. Money can't buy it. Neither can working out or lifting weights. Not that you couldn't stand to beef up a little—damn you're a skinny kid. Hell! Some of the biggest faggots in the hall are the weight lifters. Half of them bend over faster than a Purgatorio hooker."
"You can't get the look by just wanting it, kid. You only get it if you truly don't care and have nothing to lose. Takes a lot to get to that point; most guys don't have the heart for it. They give up and learn the look of anger, fear, or they just don't look you in the eye at all. 'That' will bring you shit. Only the look of not giving a flying fuck will work in here! Then you can have whatever you desire, as long as you don't give a good goddamn whether you get it or not."
"One movie star had the look. Know who he was? And don't even mention Arnold or Stallone."
"No, forget Hoffman. Pacino ain't even close. DeNiro, close; but no. No new guy has it. You can tell they're acting the look. They don't have it in their lives; it can't be faked. So where is all this getting you? Even asking that question, punk, tells me you ain't ready for it."
"How old are you anyway, 14, 15? Yeah, well, I'm older and I've been here a while and I'm gettin' out soon so I'll learn you anyway 'cause you seem like an okay kid and sometimes it comes to the least likely."
"What movie star has the look? Be cool, kid, I'll tell you in my time not yours. See, I got the look, and you know it. I know it! Even with my face the way it is and my gimpy leg. I got it. No one fucks with me. So let me finish, okay, tough guy?"
"You got potential, boy. 'Cause you're smart. Not smart enough to talk to me when you were first processed in, but smart enough now. Most guys got too much pride. Won't ask an older guy the deal. So I give you credit there, Vin. That your name?"
"See, you got raped yesterday 'cause them guys saw a look in your eye. What look? I don't know, kid....Vin. I ain't horny and I don't fuck boys so I don't know what they saw. The long hair maybe. The hurt look in your eyes. You're a good-lookin' kid. Maybe they just saw that they could do it. Maybe that's all."
"You're safe here with me. And I'll keep you safe for a while. But I can't keep you safe for long. You're a J.T."
"What's a J.T.? You, you're a J.T. A juvie turnout. This whole joint is wondering if a new bitch was born yesterday. Guys will be lining up to date you. You'll be the prom queen of this floor if you don't listen up. Once they get a piece of your cherry they want more. And you're white, a minority among minorities. You better get that look quick or start enjoying being reamed on a daily, if not hourly, basis."
"Hey, c'mon, look up. Here's a kleenex. It's okay they got you once. It happens to most new guys; the money is what happens after the first time. I ain't here to give you answers. I'm giving you a philosophy on life.
I'll tell you only once. So you better listen up, Vin! You're the one with the beat-up face and sore ass, kid."
"Let's start with the movie dude. Know why he had the look? He wasn't acting. He really didn't care. Growing up in the slums of New York didn't hurt, but he kept the look even after he was rich. Even quit the movie business when was at the top. He didn't quit over money the way the fag actors today do. He quit over principle. Wanted to do it his way and told the heads of the studio to shove it. They said he'd never work in Hollywood again. He didn't for a year; but in the end he won. Know why?
That's right! Now you're getting it, kid! They knew he didn't give a rat's ass. And they saw the look. So your first job is to go to the library down in the pit, the basement, yeah, and take out every movie starring our man. They have quite a few. These old movies are pretty cheap so we got 'em."
"After you watch the movies you're going to sit on my bed and picture those animals beating you up and fucking you. You're going to get mad like you've never been mad before.
Then you let that slow simmer.
I can see you're getting antsy. The actor is James Cagney. Heard of him? Don't worry, watch him, especially in "White Heat." He'll teach you all you need to know about not caring. About not trustin' nobody, about surviving on your own."
"After that you gotta do just one thing. If you do it, I'll know you don't give a damn, and you'll be safe, and my philosophy on life will have helped one more chicken make it through this fuckin' hole."
"So you let your rage simmer, Vin. You walk out of my room not giving a good goddamn fuck what happens to you. You don't care if you live or die. You got one thing to do and nothing else matters.
You walk up to the leader, what's his name? Angelo, yeah, walk up to Angelo and tell him you want to talk to him in private. You get him to the showers by telling him you really enjoyed being fucked by him the other day. Tell him he was the only man among the bunch. He'll feel like a king. Use that soft, quiet-like voice of yours and tell him you want to be his bitch. A girl needs protection in the jungle. Get him into the shower stalls, and make sure you do this after lunch when they're empty. Ask him to do you again, just you and him. He'll come with you, don't worry. The way you look, kid, even beat-up, trust me, he'll be wet for you."
"Lean up against the wall and rub his chest. Ask him to kiss you once before he bends you over. When he goes to kiss you, you bite off his lower lip. I mean bite it off! Bite the flesh. Don't let go till his lip is in your mouth.
When he's on the floor screaming, spit the lip in his face. Tell him if ever fucks with you again he's going to wish it was only his lip got bit off."
"Can you do it, Vin? I guess we'll see. They shouldn't have done what they did to you, kid. So what are you going to do about it? Anything less than what I played out won't work. No half-assed moves.
Hey, whatta you got to lose? You might even leave here with a true philosophy for life. That is as long as you don't really want it."
THE END
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Continues in White Heat