The Words We Could Never Find

Words.

They mean so much when they are the right words, from the right person.

Three in particular, coming from Chris, a few months ago...I cannot describe how I felt then, even though I was in such pain from the gunshot.

If only I'd been able to say those words at the right time to someone else. Someone I can never say them to now.

We never really had the chance to let each other know...
We never really had the time to let our feelings show...
Small talk kept us goin', when the only words to say...
Were "how I long to hold you", pride locked the words away...

I truly wish I'd taken one of the many opportunities I had to talk to her.

Who would ever believe that I never had a real chance to talk to my mother?

She was never one for displays of affection, of course. It was 'not proper' in her opinion, for her five-year-old son to hug his mother. True, I could not have talked to her then like I longed to talk to her later, but then...then I could have told her how much I wanted to hold her and to have her hold me.

But she instilled pride of appearance in that five-year-old boy too deeply for my affection for her to compete with. The pride locked the voice of the five-year-old boy who just wanted his mother away forever.

I never had the confidence to think that you could care... I never looked into your eyes to see if love was there... I talked it over with myself and silently agreed... Your heart was in a high place, unreachable to me...

There was a part of me, one that solidified as I grew older, that didn't think that I was good enough, or clever enough, or whatever enough to be loved.

That part of me still existed...until a few months ago. It dissolved and eventually washed away under Chris's love and concern. My beautiful Chris...I still find it hard to believe that he loves me. I never thought it could happen...I loved him for so long, but I never thought he could feel the same way.

The day he told me, I was actually rather disappointed that we couldn't do anything about it. I had only just been shot, after all. Oh, but he made up for it later. Not before Nathan said that I could, of course. It seems that our healer had observed more than we thought.

Still, the lessons instilled in me as a child lay deep. I had never thought that my mother, and by extension anyone else, could find it in her heart to love me.

I remember thinking to myself when I was young that I could never reach my mother's heart. It was in a place that, like the precious china and glassware she kept on a shelf that was above my head, a place that I could never reach.

But I have to admit that I never reached for it, either.

I waited too long for a sign from you...
Reached for a line that you never threw...
Small talk and pride kept us from gettin' together...
Now there's never a day you're not on my mind...
Sayin' the words we could never find...
Small talk and pride took you from my life forever...

Now I'm wondering if I did wait too long.

Of course, I will never know if I could have changed things, so late in life for both of us. But who knows how things might have been different if I, or she, had ever been able to find the words to get past the barriers we built up so long ago?

I am determined that there will never be barriers of that kind between myself and Chris, though. Perhaps, if nothing else, my mother taught me that love is more precious than one's pride. I wish I had been able to learn that in time to speak with her, though.

So much of our time together was spent talking of trivialities. Clothes, what we could get out of the latest prey in our lives, whether I was a fool for taking on this job.

I could never tell her why I love this town and these people so much. It's not only Chris, although of course he is a large part of it, and the most important, but there is so much more. I care for Josiah, and JD is the brother I never had. Buck is one of the most amusing people I have ever met, and he cares so deeply for Chris, I have come to love him as family as well, although I could never say that to him. I'm not sure which of us would be more embarrassed. Vin has so much depth and honour ...a man both Chris and I are proud to call friend, and again, perhaps something deeper. And there is Nathan. There are so many layers of lifelong training that separate us both, but I think we are finding our way to a friendship. How ironic that a part of it, at least for me, is that I am so determined not to let any other relationship go the way of the relationship I had with my mother. She would be shocked beyond words if she knew.

I would give anything if she could know, even though I know she can't.

I'll never hold the cards again, to win a love so real...
I know I'd gamble everything, but mistress Fate won't deal...
I'll just have to be content to learn by my mistakes...
Our hearts were just a breath away, now they're far enough to break...

My mother used to say that life was the ultimate gamble, and the biggest chance that you can take is to open yourself up to caring about others.

Which is something that she said that one should never do, of course.

I will never be able to tell her that I found out that she was wrong. Caring about others might be the biggest chance that you can take, but the good things that it can bring are worth the down side. More than worth it, for me.

At least I learned that from the mistakes that we both made.

Still, I will always wonder, if I had opened up my heart to her...if she had been able to open up her heart to me...but that is why my heart is breaking now. Because I will never get a chance to find out.

Two weeks ago, the telegraph came. My mother was killed in a stagecoach accident.

I was, at last, a literal orphan. I'd always felt myself to be one figuratively, that whoever my father was, he had abandoned us for all intents and purposes, and my mother... well, enough has been said about that for now. But I had always felt that there was nothing left for me in this world... until Chris, of course.

Yesterday, my mother's belongings arrived. Of course I was the only heir...to what there was. Several pieces of luggage filled with rocks, some with clothing.

And the small case that contained legal papers. My mother's will, of course, leaving what property her family still owned to me. I have made arrangements for it to be sold. I have no desire to go back to South Carolina permanently, there are too many memories there. Some letters, even one to me that she did not get to complete. And one that she did.

I almost missed it. The seal was unfamiliar, and I thought it was another piece of trivial paper. I left it until today, as there were so many other more important-seeming letters and papers to deal with. And last night...the last thing I was thinking of was my mother's letter. Chris tends to have that effect on me.

Of all the days to find this out, today is probably the most ironic.

To find out on my twenty-eighth birthday that my father did not abandon us. He died, not long after I was born. I had never been able to ask Mother, partly due to our relationship, and partly due to the fact that I was not sure that I wanted to know if he had abandoned us.

Not only did my father not abandon us, he tried to make sure that we were provided for. Unfortunately, his family, who were rather disapproving of my mother, did what they could to ensure that his wishes were not carried out. He could not leave any money directly to my mother or to me. He was only allowed to leave a trust for me, and it could not mature before I reached my majority. Unfortunately, the age at which I reached it was at the discretion of my paternal grandfather, a man described by Mother as having the temperament of a bear on a good day. He chose the age of thirty, clearly intending to ensure that Mother benefited as little as possible, if at all. I suppose he can be said to have had the last laugh on her, but to me, it does not matter. The money does not matter at all.

I will probably keep enough to live on comfortably for the rest of my life when the trust matures. It was what my father would have wanted. But beyond that, I have no need for money. I would miss the nature of gambling too much, and I don't like what having too much money does to people. Not only my father's family, they are simply one more example of how money can corrupt.

I have everything I could ever need here in Four Corners. Enough money to survive on, friends who I truly care for and who truly care for me, and Chris. What else could I ever need?

The End