How Do I Breathe?

Damn it all to hell.

I knew it could...hell, would happen one day. No one's as lucky as we have been for as long as we have been without something major happening.

Why did it have to be him, though?

Why did it have to be Ezra who was shot?

I know, the others have been shot before, but it's never been Ezra before.

I never stopped breathing when one of the others was shot.

Yeah, I stopped breathing for a moment when I realised. Felt my throat close up, my lungs stop working, my heart stop pumping. Just for a moment, but clear as...clear as Ezra's eyes.

Good lord! Under any other circumstances, I'd be horrified that I just thought that.

Under any other circumstance, I probably wouldn't have thought it, though.

How the hell did this happen?

I didn't even like the man in the beginning, and I sure as hell didn't trust him any further than I could throw him.

I was less surprised that he ran out on me in the Seminole village than I would have been if he hadn't, which I guess is a pretty accurate measure of how I felt about him then.

I think it was when he came back that I started to wonder if I'd judged him too quickly.

Back in those days, it was all quick judgements. Black and white. I trusted Vin the moment I saw him, knew I could trust him by my side when I went after those drunk cowboys who had Nathan. Knew Nathan needed to be rescued. Thought JD was a city kid who didn't know better than to get involved with things that didn't concern him...although I still wait to be proven wrong about that one.

When did it start? Did it have a clear, defining moment, or was it gradual? I think...it was gradual. Very gradual.

I would spend a few moments with Ezra in the bar each night. Not really talking, just watching him with the cards. He is truly a master with a deck. I know, and I've seen the best. I think he's better than the best, although I'd never tell him. Wouldn't want his ego to get any bigger, would I?

I found myself looking forward to those times more and more. Just sitting there, sipping a drink, unwinding, with Ezra. And I began to realise, as time went on, that it was the 'with Ezra' part that I looked forward to. Watching those slender, graceful hands as they manipulated the cards. Those clear green eyes that shone with hidden emotions, emotions I wanted to bring into the open.

It's not as if I was never with another man. The trails get long and lonely, and when there's only one other human around for a hundred miles, then you're going to turn to that person for comfort. Some men find that it's their way, that it's what they need. Some find it a temporary filling of a need. And some, like Buck, can find the same things with a man that they can with a woman. I thought, for me, it was the filling of a need, most of the time. I wondered if maybe Buck and I could have more, but then I met Sarah, and I knew what I wanted.

It still hurts to think about her. I think it always will. But I was...I am putting it behind me.

God, if Ezra leaves me too...I don't think there would be anything left for me. Not my place as leader of the Seven, not my job in this town. I might just as well die myself if he dies. Because the only part of me that I had left to give was the part I gave to Ezra when I realised how I felt about him.

How do I get through one night without you... If I had to live without you... What kinda life would that be... Oh and I, I need you in my arms need you to hold... You're my world, my heart, my soul...

It's dark now, here in Nathan's clinic. I volunteered to take the night shift, like I always do when one of us is hurt. No one suspected that there was another reason for it. I wanted to be with Ezra tonight...in case it's the last night he has.

What the hell is going to happen if he dies?

How can I have any kind of life if the only person I can live for isn't a part of it?

I don't know if I can even make it through tonight if Ezra doesn't make it.

If you ever leave...
Baby you would take away everything good in my life...
Without you there'd be no sun in my sky...
There would be no love in my life...
There'd be no world left for me...

Why haven't I ever said something to him? God, there are so many different reasons, and none of them seem a bit important now.

What seems important right now is to remember the moments I did have with Ezra. Not the moments I would have wanted to have, but the only memories that I can cling to.

I sound so damn sappy when I think about the man. He's like a breath of spring after the winter of the last few years. I do think of him as the brightness in my life, and I know that if that brightness is snuffed out, there is no point in going on with life.

Because without brightness, I wouldn't have a life.

Everything that makes life worth living would be gone if Ezra wasn't alive.

And I, baby I don't know what I would do...
I'd be lost if I lost you...
If you ever leave...
Baby, you would take away everything real in my life...

Why do I feel like this about Ezra?

It hurt me...beyond words...when I lost Sarah and Adam, but it wasn't this life-destroying pain. Why do I feel that I can't live if I don't have Ezra?

I think...it's because he anchors me. Yeah, that sounds weird, but because he's a con man, a trickster...he makes it all seem real when he doesn't wear that mask.

If he leaves me...I'll lose that anchor to reality, and I won't be able to survive it.

And tell me now...
How do I live without you...
I want to know...
How do I breathe without you...
If you ever go...
How do I ever, ever survive...
How do I, How do I, Oh how do I live...

I think a part of me started to understand Ezra, why he is the way he is, when I met his mother. Maude...a woman of contradictions, to put it mildly. And yet...deep down, she is a good person. I knew it when she and Ezra came up with the plan to get the man who killed Mary's husband. I didn't even blame her when she shattered Ezra's dream of owning the saloon. It wasn't right for him, although I could never get up the courage to tell him that. He's not the type to settle down so permanently, not in that way.

I hope he gets the chance to settle down, though. The way he should...in my cabin, with me. I built that place for us, although I couldn't tell him.

I don't know if I can ever look at it again if he doesn't survive.

If you ever leave...
Baby you would take away everything...
Need you with me...
Baby 'cause you know...
That you're everything good in my life...

I've had more dreams about Ezra than I can count. Waking and sleeping.

I've dreamed of being with him, going to him and telling him how I feel. I don't know how he would react, though. That's the reason I haven't said anything, because I'm scared. Scared that he doesn't feel the same. Scared that he might take it into his head to shoot first and discuss the situation later. Scared that I'll lose the few moments I do have with him. And scared out of my mind that he might return the feelings.

Then there have been the sleeping dreams. Feeling his hands, his lips, his body on mine. I've woken up many a morning, my hand on myself, Ezra's name screaming from between my lips as I find my solitary release. Or not waking to feel the release, but to find myself damp and sticky from the dreams of us together.

So damn good, and yet...not enough. They could never be enough.

He has to wake up. I have to get the chance to tell him.

Or I might as well put a bullet in my brain right now.

How do I live without you... Without you baby...

The night's long. Very long. Nathan comes to check on us a couple times, but I barely notice him, even when he checks Ezra's bandages.

I'm about to give in...try to sleep, just for a little while. I think I'm exhausted enough that my body might take over from my mind and let me sleep for a few hours. But there's something telling me to wait a little longer.

Ezra's breathing is different. It's not as harsh and laboured as it's been. It's not enough to get Nathan yet, though. He needs sleep too.

I sit down beside the bed, taking one of those hands in mine. I almost jump out of my skin when his fingers tighten around mine. I keep telling myself that it's an involuntary response, but I can't keep from looking at him in the early morning light.

His eyes are open. I breathe a prayer of thanks to whoever listened to my demented ramblings last night.

He looks at me, calmly, steadily, just waiting. And I may be putting my own feelings into this, but I swear there is something else in that look. An anticipation.

There is only one thing I can do. I said I would do it if he woke up...if he survived.

I say the words, looking into those clear green pools.

"I love you, Ezra."

His words are a shock, and yet right.

"What took you so damn long, Chris? Did I have to be shot for you to realise it?"

I smile, and tell him that when he recovers, I'll tell him the full story, but that I knew how I felt a long time before he was shot.

"Then we had better not waste any more time. If there is any doubt in your mind, I love you too, Chris," he smiles at me before falling into a healing sleep, his breathing even, so different from before.

I agree, we can't waste any more time, but I can't feel that there would have been any time that was more right for us than this one.

I should get Nathan, but I want to watch Ezra sleep for just a little longer.

He tightens his grip in sleep, and I can't go now without waking him.

A part of me wonders if he knows this, and I smile once more, my hand in his the connection we have been building over all this time.

It is strong and will survive the tests we will be put through.

Because we already survived without each other. And if we are that strong apart, we will be invincible together.

The End
Sequel: The Words We Could Never Find