Is It Me You're Looking For?

Sometimes I really wonder what the world has against me.

I thought I finally had a chance at the kind of life I've always wanted. A woman who loved me, maybe even kids, although I don't know if I really wanted any more children after Adam, but if Ella had wanted them...maybe.

If Ella had been what she made me believe that she was.

I still shake my head in disbelief over what she did. That she was that obsessed over me? I'm not that special, or even that good-looking. I know, Nathan said that from what he could find out about that kind of thing that it wasn't that I was anything special, just that I was the one that her crazy mind fixed on, but it is still mind-blowing that she would fixate like that on me. Even back when we were together before, it was never some
great romance. More like two ships in the night. I never, ever
thought about being with Ella forever. I didn't think about her that way. Maybe if I'd told her that...no, I have to stop doing that. I couldn't have prevented anything that the bitch did.

But there is one thing I can do. I can stop her hurting anyone else that I care about.

All I have to do is not find anyone else to care about...to love.

That way she'll keep away from me and I'll be able to set a trap for her.

I can't allow myself to love anyone else while that bitch is on the loose, because she might do to them what she did to Sarah and Adam. And I will never let that happen to anyone else that I love. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life.

But I don't want her to keep me a prisoner like that forever. That would mean that she would get what she wanted in a different way. Like she said, if she can't have me, no one can. And I'll never let her have that. Which is why I have to figure out a way to trap her so I can have my life back.

I wish I didn't have to consider that bitch when I do anything. Because maybe then I could tell Ezra how I feel about him.

I never expected it. Not Ezra. If I'd even thought I'd ever fall in love with a man, I'd have thought it would have been Vin, or maybe Buck. Sure, I've been with men before. The trails can get long and lonely, and if there's only one other person around, you can find yourself feeling some pretty intense lust. But that's all it's ever been with a man before. Momentary lust, something that's over almost before it's begun. Except maybe with Buck. That might have turned into more, but I met Sarah, and he met the first in a long line of lovely ladies.

Most recently Hilda...god, another innocent victim of Ella's. I think, maybe, if she hadn't died...she might have been the one. The one who would have gotten Buck to settle down. But we'll never know. And it can all be traced back to Ella. He's been so quiet these last couple months...a shell of himself. I never knew what that saying meant until I saw what happened to Buck. I knew it from the inside, of course, but to see it happen to Buck...I wish that I could have been the one to comfort Buck, but I had too
much of my own pain to deal with to see anyone else. I hope someone's been able to help him...maybe JD, although the kid's so young I don't know if he could help Buck with this.

I wouldn't have gotten past it if it wasn't for Ezra. I wondered at first if that was why I was thinking about him all the time. I thought that I was holding onto him, to the conversations...so damn normal...over a game of cards or a glass of whiskey, to the times he'd just let me vent all my anger at Ella...everything that he did for me after I got over that bullet wound. But I realised, after a few weeks, that it was more than just the company, the feeling of normality. It was Ezra. Then...in the bathouse.

It's happened a thousand times with Buck or Vin or Josiah...even JD. Someone's been getting out of a tub just as I've gone in for my bath. But it hadn't been Ezra...not since we'd become closer. And I saw him. He is so beautiful...like a work of art. But more beautiful than any statue, because he's real and alive.

I've never gotten so damn hard so fast in my life. Luckily I was wearing my duster, so I could hide my reaction. Hell, I even managed to nod casually at Ezra as I walked to my tub. Strange thing is, I don't even think he noticed me.

I don't know how Ezra feels about me, though. Oh, he told me that he's been with a few men before, but only like I told him about the trails. He didn't say whether he's ever felt anything deep for a man, but then again, neither did I.

So I have one more reason to find that bitch Ella as soon as I can. Because the sooner I get her into some kind of hospital and out of my life forever, the sooner I can talk to Ezra and find out if he could ever be with me.

If he doesn't find someone else first.

I've been alone with you inside my mind...
And in my dreams I've kissed your lips a thousand times...
I sometimes see you pass outside my door...
Hello, is it me you're looking for?...

I've had dreams of telling Ezra how I feel. We're alone, of course. That's the thing about dreams...you can have things like you want them to be. I tell him, and we kiss. Sounds simple, but it's not. A kiss can be more intimate that giving your body to someone. I've been with a lot of women...a lot of whores, but there are only a few that I've ever kissed. And I only ever kissed one man. But in my mind, I've kissed Ezra a thousand times. That's what I want, so much. To kiss him, to touch him...

There have been a few times when I've thought that I've seen something in Ezra's eyes...something more than concern and friendship. Once, I heard footsteps outside my door, and when I checked to see who it was, it was Ezra. For a moment, I thought I saw something in his eyes, but I wasn't sure. So I asked him in for a glass of whiskey, and we had one of those simple, easy, normal conversations. Well, as simple as his words get.

I can see it in your eyes...
I can see it in your smile...
You're all I've ever wanted, and my arms are open wide...
'Cause you know just what to say...
And you know just what to do...
And I want to tell you so much, I love you ...

I love everything about Ezra. Who he really is shines through those green eyes and that smile that could light up a room.

If I could tell him...tell him how my arms ache to hold him.

He always has the right words...even if I ever get to tell him, how will I find the words. He knows what to say, what to do.

Maybe if I just stick to the words I most want to say, I'll manage.

If I just tell him those three words. I love you.

That might work.

I long to see the sunlight in your hair...
And tell you time and time again how much I care...
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow...
Hello, I've just got to let you know...

I love to see Ezra in the sun. To watch the light play over his hair and face. I almost gave myself away the last time we were riding out on patrol in the afternoon.

I could feel my heart just filling up with the feelings I have for
Ezra...wanting to let him know so much. But I couldn't. Not yet.

I just hope that the time will come for us soon.

'Cause I wonder where you are...
And I wonder what you do...
Are you somewhere feeling lonely...
Or is someone loving you?...

I wonder where he is when he's not with me...always. I wonder what he's doing, whether he's playing cards, or riding, or visiting Mary or Mrs Potter...and sometimes I wonder if he's found someone else.

If someone with a free mind and body has found him and loved him.

That's when I let the emotions take over...that's when I let myself cry. I don't cry over Sarah and Adam any more...I've shed my tears for them a million times over. I'll never forget them, but I need to move on.

I just pray that I'll be able to move on with Ezra.

Tell me how to win your heart...
For I haven't got a clue...
But let me start by saying, I love you ...

How will I ever figure out a way to win Ezra's heart? I have no idea how to even begin.

I know that I can't say anything, but if I could figure out a way to start, well, courting him, without saying anything...maybe I could hold out some hope.

Hello, is it me you're looking for?...
'Cause I wonder where you are...
And I wonder what you do...
Are you somewhere feeling lonely...
Or is someone loving you?...
Tell me how to win your heart...
For I haven't got a clue...
But let me start by saying ... I love you...

How can I start to court Ezra when I don't know if I'll ever be free to love him the way that I want to.

And how can I know if I'm what Ezra wants and needs.

If I am...he must be feeling horribly lonely now.

I'll just have to figure out how to win his heart.

And I know the first words I'll say to him.

I love you, Ezra.

The look in those green eyes when I say that will tell me all that I need to know.

The End