I love him.
Such simple words, and yet...they mean the world to me.
They don't mean anything to him. They can't. Because I could
never tell him.
And now...it is too late.
Far too late.
I could never tell Chris Larabee that I love him, even though
I have loved him from the first moment I saw him. I knew it
then.
And now...now he is with her . Ella Gaines. A woman who has
held a piece of his heart, his love, for many years.
And I sit here in the darkness, looking outside this bunkhouse
at the mansion Chris is staying in. I can see a light in her
room, and I know they are together now.
As they always will be if Ella has her way.
I'm a perceptive man...I can see that she isn't going to give
him up.
And there's no way that he would ever leave her for me.
Why would he?
Gambler, trickster, liar...cheat.
I know what Chris thinks of me...what they all think of me.
I've managed to gain a measure of their respect, even their
friendship.
But still, in the back of their minds, I know that I'll always
be the one who ran out on them in the Seminole village. No
matter what I try to do to redeem myself in their eyes it can
never be enough. I don't think it could ever be enough for
Nathan. I know he must have been through some horrific things
in his life...I can't even imagine. I never kept slaves. I
was never anywhere for long enough. I wish I could say that to
him. I wish a great many things.
I wish I could live the first moment I saw Chris over again,
with the knowledge of how things would turn out. Maybe then I
would find the courage to open my heart to him.
The first time I laid my eyes on you I knew...
We'd spend this life side by side...
I still feel the same though you're so far away...
I'll never forget that first glimpse of Chris...he walked into
the saloon, and I almost forgot what I was doing. That never
happens with cards.
Never. There have been too many cases where it might literally
be a matter of life and death for me to allow my concentration
to waver.
But when Chris, with Vin and Nathan, walked into the saloon, I
almost folded on four aces. I haven't done that since...I don't
think I've ever done it, to be completely honest.
It wasn't his looks. It took me quite a while to appreciate how
beautiful Chris really is, because his beauty isn't the obvious
kind. It's the kind that lies hidden, waiting for discovery.
Not like Vin's, or even Buck's. Perhaps Josiah has a similar
kind of beauty, but it wasn't Josiah who captured my heart and
soul. No, my heart and soul were captured by a man who I can
never have. A man who has such an air of confidence and
security that he affects all those near him. That is what I
responded to the first time I saw Chris. His air of security,
something that I have never known, is what captured my heart.
From that first moment, I knew that I'd follow him anywhere.
Forever. For the rest of this life, and the one beyond.
I'll still do that. Even if I can never tell him how I feel, I
will always be by his side.
There's nowhere else that I can be.
I swear that you'll always be my...
Forever love...
I promise you...
Someday we'll be together...
Forever love...
I won't give up...
No matter what...
I'll be waiting for you...
Forever love...
I will never love anyone else. I may find someone to be with...
a woman. I could never, ever give another man what I have given
Chris, and I would only hurt myself and him if I tried. Even
though I don't really...desire women. At all. There have been
women in the past, mostly involved in one con or another, and
perhaps the only truly honest relationship I've ever had with a
woman, Li Pong, but I let her go, with no real regrets. Maybe a
few, but there was Chris. There always will be Chris. Always.
I have no love to give anyone else, and I never will. It is all
given to Chris. I hope I can find someone who I will be able to
give something to, even if it cannot be my heart.
Maybe Mary Travis? I know that she has long given up on anything
happening between herself and Chris, something I dreaded for a
time. And she would be an...acceptable companion. But that is
all that it could be. Could I allow myself to do that to her?
I think...no. I care about her as a person too much to do that.
I think it is too soon, though. I cannot think of being with
anyone else yet, but maybe as the years pass, someone will find
their way into a tiny corner of my heart, the small part I could
not give Chris...the part that I have had to keep to myself. It
will take a very special person to capture that small part of me.
I would give it to Chris unreservedly if he ever returned my
feelings, but I know that will not happen.
But maybe I will keep it for him just a little longer.
Minutes and hours and years may go by...
But my heart knows nothing of time...
So don't cry, just keep me right there...
In your dreams...
And hold on to these words of mine...
I have the feeling it will be much more than just a 'little' longer,
though. It seems, even now, that time has no meaning where my
feelings for Chris are concerned. They have grown deeper since
our first meeting, but they have not changed. And if they were
ever going to change, surely it would have been now, when what
small chance I might have had with the man has been shattered
completely.
Love is the road to our destiny...
Nothing can change what is meant to be...
I can't help feeling that my feelings...my love ...for Chris are
destined. That I was meant to be in Four Corners, to meet him,
and nothing could have changed that.
I would not have chosen for it to be any other way.
The light has been extinguished now. Chris...and Ella...must be
sleeping. My body needs rest too. I know my mind will not be
easy for a while, but maybe I can sleep, knowing that Chris is
happy.
I can only try.
The End
