Thanks to Sarah MacLachlan for her song "I Will Remember You."
A gentle breeze blew about Buck as he sat on the burnt ruins of the homestead he once knew so
well. The old windmill still spun happily in the wind; the charring burn marks still visible on it's
legs after all those years.
JD watched Buck worriedly. The two had left Four Corners earlier and were headed towards
Eagle Bend, when Buck suddenly veered away and led them there. Buck had been sitting there for
hours while JD took a walk around. He had hardly uttered a few words since their arrival, but
occasionally JD would hear Buck sigh.
The tall drifter scanned the area around him once more. He saw their ghostly images float from
the ruins of the corral to the well and then to the little area just left of the home where she kept
her garden.
"Buck?" JD asked finally.
Buck sniffled lightly and cleared his throat. "It'll be four years this Thursday, Kid," he said finally
making eye contact with JD.
JD nodded mutely, the seriousness and sadness of Buck's silence finally becoming clear.
"And Chris is -- " JD started to ask.
"Oh he'll be here," said Buck solemnly. "He always comes back here," he added in a soft voice
while glancing at the grave markers of Sarah and Adam Larabee.
JD pulled off his hat and took a seat next to Buck. The older man smiled warmly at him, patting
him on the shoulder.
+ + + + + + +
Chris stepped lightly into the church, noting instantly the disarray of wood, hammers and nails
strewn about.
Josiah looked up at him from a dusty pew he had been sitting in. "Chris," he greeted with a nod.
The man in black nodded back, "Josiah."
"I don't think I've ever seen you in here," said Josiah with a rueful smile.
"No, I suppose you're right about that. It's been a while," said Chris quietly as he uneasily took a
seat across the aisle from Josiah in another dusty pew.
"I must be awfully special if you decided to come here and finally visit with me," Josiah said
playfully, a big grin illuminating his face.
Chris grimaced. "No," he said, "just got tired of drinking, is all."
"Tired?" asked Josiah, surprised.
"Sometimes," Chris said, fixing Josiah with a look, "no matter how much you drink, the pain'll
always be there."
Josiah gave him a puzzled frown, "something bothering you Chris?" He and the others had
noticed that Chris had been a little more quiet and reserved than usual.
Chris sat silently contemplating Josiah's words. It was more than just 'something' it was a lot
more. It was his life. He snorted and said, "you could say that." He was tired of the pain.
When he offered no more, Josiah just sat and waited for him to continue.
"Thursday makes four years," Chris said quietly. He turned to see the big man nod slightly in
comprehension.
Josiah looked down at his hands and considered what to tell the gunman. Then, "next few days
are gonna be hard then."
Chris flexed his jaw and looked across the tiny church to the altar. "No they won't," he admitted,
returning his gaze to Josiah, a hint of guilt flashing through his hazel eyes.
Josiah arched an eyebrow.
"That's what's so hard to understand," Chris said swallowing visibly. "I still feel the pain, more
intense now than ever and not knowing who killed them still eats at my soul. I haven't given up on
finding out who did it."
"But?" asked Josiah.
"But - but today, I almost couldn't remember what Adam looked like," he said, shaking his head
and finally standing, frustration etched in his features.
Josiah bent his head in thought.
Chris continued, "Scared the hell outta me at first, but I guess sometimes that's just the way it is,"
he said with resignation. "Doesn't mean I loved him or Sarah any less. Guess I just tried to
hard...or, didn't try enough."
Josiah remained quiet as he watched Chris.
"I guess what's hardest is forgetting," said Chris as his gut twisted at the thought.
"Why do you have to forget?" Josiah asked.
Chris' eyes met his and Josiah flinched visibly at the amount of pain and guilt he saw there.
"I've got to go," Chris said moving towards the door, not answering Josiah's question. "I'll be
back," he said as he stepped out of the Church.
+ + + + + + +
The tracker and the gambler sat quietly outside of the Saloon. Ezra shuffled his cards, relishing
the use of his left hand after finally being allowed to remove his sling, while Vin watched
something across the street.
"Do you suppose she's concerned about him?" Ezra asked Vin without looking up from his cards.
Vin studied Mary across the way talking to Mrs. Potter. "'Suppose so," Vin answered finally
shifting his gaze to rest on Ezra. "I am too."
Ezra raised an eyebrow and gave a barely perceptible snort. "Mr. Larabee does tend to have his
mood swings doesn't he?" he said too saucily for Vin's taste.
"Man's got a right Ezra," said Vin shortly, defending Chris's sudden recent behavior of distancing
himself from him, the others and Mary.
Ezra sighed, "To shun his colleagues? What's all this about helping each other when one man
perceives himself to be beyond it all? Mr. Larabee can be such a hypocrite and you know it to be
true Mr. Tanner."
Vin shook his head sadly. His gut told him there was so much more to Chris.
"Our fearless leader has once again gone off to brood by himself and we're supposed to just sit
back and let him get over it on his own time? Sit idly by and confabulate on our own till he returns
and tells us to 'jump'?" Ezra said, showing his frustration.
"Ezra," Vin said calmly. "Man lost his wife and son. It's sort of an anniversary for him. Four years
I think."
His companion shuffling the cards suddenly stopped and looked at him. First opening his mouth
and then shutting it quickly. Shame overcame Ezra. How he had managed to somehow block such
a terrible truth escaped him. He looked towards Vin and was surprised when he saw
understanding in the tracker's placid blue eyes.
"I, I apologize Mr. Tanner. For my selfish and rude claims." Ezra bowed his head and said, "I had
no right."
Vin looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Shoot Ezra, I'm guessing you're just as worried
'bout him as we all are," he said glancing across at Mary once more.
Ezra said no more and kept his head bowed as the two sat in silence for a bit.
"How 'bout a drink?" asked Vin.
Ezra nodded and looked up to Vin. "Mr. Tanner, my apologies once again, please. And if Mr.
Larabee should need my help, consider me a jumping fool," he said as he disappeared through the
batwing doors.
The tracker smiled a little as he followed the gambler into the dark Saloon.
+ + + + + + +
Chris let his horse lead the way and thought it funny that the animal seemed sure of where he was
going. He could only remember bringing his horse back to his homestead once before and sure
enough when he finally allowed himself to pay attention to where he was, the burnt remains of his
former home were clearly visible.
After dismounting he took a seat on the ruins of his home, where unbeknownst to him, Buck and
JD had sat earlier in the day. Taking a deep breath, he glanced around and rested his eyes on the
grave markers some 10 feet from where he sat. The wood had deteriorated somewhat, faded into
a gray with large cracks here and there, but their forms were still evident.
Crosses.
He'd carved their names into them and then secured the pieces of wood together with nails so
long ago, it didn't surprise him that rust marks stained the wood where they connected and that
the rough edges of their names looked smooth, rounded and faded. Faded till the engravings on
them were barely readable. There used to be flowers there, around their graves he remembered,
because he buried them in her garden. One spring there were flowers everywhere, bright and
beautiful like she was and colors that were happy like Adam was. He thought it ironic that amid
all that beauty lay symbols of death.
Symbols of a life that was taken from him.
+ + + + + + +
"Where's Chris?" asked Nathan as he walked into the Church to find Josiah sanding away at the
walls once more.
Josiah stopped and looked at Nathan, pausing to brush the dust from his hands and shirtfront.
"Suspect he went out to his old homestead," replied Josiah.
"The anniversary?" Nathan asked and he pursed his lips in thought.
"Yep," replied Josiah again as he ran a hand over the smooth surface of the wall he'd just sanded.
"He'll be all right," said Josiah.
"How can you be so sure?" asked Nathan skeptically.
"Because Brother Nathan," Josiah said with a slight grin, "I think he's starting to let himself heal."
+ + + + + + +
Chris lay flat on his back staring up at the early afternoon sky above, so blue and so clear. His
trademark black hat lay just to his left. There didn't appear to be a cloud in sight. The wind rustled
through the grasses and trees around him as the windmill squeaked to a rhythm that lulled him
into a gentle sleep.
It would have been so easy he figured as he awoke with a start some hours later, groggy but not
too disoriented. Sitting up, he reached up to ruffle his blonde hair and then ran a hand down his
face. It would have been so easy to dream about them. Sarah and Adam. To have them put his
mind at ease for the next year or so, to have them give him answers in his dreams that he'd like to
hear.
To have them tell him it wasn't his fault and to take the pain in his soul away.
But it never happened that way.
His dreams were always like nightmares, he'd wake up in a cold sweat, heaving and desperately
trying to breathe and calm down. He would always see the smoke over the ridge as he spurned his
horse faster and then he always arrived too late. He would see their burnt twisted forms over and
over again, Adam's tiny form next to Sarah's. He should have been there. He should have never
left. But then again why? If someone was sent to kill him because of his past, then could he have
even stopped it? Would it have been better to have not met Sarah and fall in love with her? Would
it have been better if he had not made love to her in the rain? And in an open flowery field to
conceive Adam? Would that have spared them?
Chris groaned and shook his head. He walked over to his horse and mounted, surprised at his
thoughts.
No, nothing would have spared them. Not with what he'd accomplished before he met Sarah. Not
with the life he led before he fell in love.
Turning to face the markers once more, he thought, 'I'm sorry Sarah. I'm just so tired. I won't ever
forget. I love you, daddy loves you boy.' He allowed himself a sad little smile, then guided his
horse away and back in the direction of Four Corners.
Chris knew that he made a lot of enemies and did a lot of things he wasn't too proud of. Anyone
could have been after him. Maybe it was better just knowing that he was too late. He didn't need
to find out from Fowler that someone really wanted him dead. He didn't need to know that the
fates had decided to punish him for his past. That God punished him.
Chris realized he punished himself enough with what he had become.
He recalled what he told Josiah the other day, about forgetting what Adam looked like. He was
trying to recall the little boy's smile and laugh and when he couldn't he thought he could forget.
But that couldn't happen either. Chris couldn't do that to the people he once loved more than life.
It showed no respect for them, it devalued the memories he had of them. The memories he clung
to. So here he was again, fighting with himself to understand, deal with the pain and move on.
And it was always a losing battle. But now he learned why.
Because like Josiah alluded to, he didn't have to forget. What he found was that he could now
think of and remember the feelings, the warmth and the love and the need. That was all that really
mattered and it didn't have to be so painful. To know that the three of them experienced and
shared a life together, even for a little while was what was most important. Whether he recalled
how blonde Adam's hair got in the summers didn't matter as much as the love he felt on Christmas
morning when the little boy smiled at him as he opened a gift. Sarah's scent or the comforting feel
of waking next to her mattered more than remembering every detail of her brilliant smile.
Chris turned around in the saddle to glance back once more in the direction of his old homestead,
slowly disappearing from his sight.
+ + + + + + +
"You sure that's what we should do?" asked Nathan again as he looked at Buck, Vin and
Josiah. The three of them, to Nathan and JD's dismay had figured the best thing to do at the
moment was to just let Chris alone.
"Always did," said Buck. "This time's no different I guess," he then added.
"But Josiah says that maybe it ain't," inserted JD.
"I'm figurin' Buck's probably right though," said Vin.
"Sides' Josiah here says it's different only because Chris is starting to handle it better," added
Buck.
"I tend to agree with you gentlemen," added Ezra, nodding in the direction of Buck and Vin.
Nathan looked at JD who still appeared anxious and shrugged his shoulders. "It ain't like he can't
protect himself JD," he said comfortingly, finally giving in to the others suggestions.
JD sighed and slumped in his chair.
"That old dog's still lucky we care," Buck finally said softly.
Vin snorted lightly. "Yeah, just as long as he doesn't know right?" he asked.
Buck smiled a wide smile and winked. "Boys, I do believe you're catching on," he said laughing
softly.
Josiah smiled a little as he watched the others carry on.
+ + + + + + +
Chris spotted Four Corners through the dusk and spurred his horse on.
Josiah, he realized was right about not having to forget, and he no longer wanted to. But he also
realized that he was right about one thing. This anniversary wasn't hard. It still hurt, but it wasn't
hard anymore.
The End
