Lost

by Vinsmouse

Chapter 1 - 5 | Chapter 6 - 10 | Chapter 11 - 14 | Chapter 15 - 19 | Chapter 20 - 23

Chapter 6

As Buck drove towards the warehouse, his mind kept conjuring images to torment him. Images of what he had done to Vin. Images of what might have been, if he had known that Vin was bi-sexual. Images of Vin after the attack, broken and non-responsive. The more he thought of all these things, the angrier he became. The result was easy to predict and had any of the others been with him they would have warned Buck against continuing to the warehouse. They weren't there however and by the time he reached the warehouse, Wilmington was seeing red. That had been his second mistake, his first was going after Spencer without any back-up.

Buck pulled to a screeching halt in front of the warehouse. Seeing a car that fit the description of Phillip Spencer's car, he was sure his prey was inside. Glaring at the building, he climbed from his truck and headed for the small side door. Loaded for bear, he only slowed down long enough to glance through the small piece of glass in the door. Seeing nobody in sight, he pulled the door open and moved into the building. He'd only taken two steps when he felt a blinding pain in the back of his skull and the world quickly went black.

Phillip Spencer grinned as he looked at the fallen man at his feet. Picking up the gun Buck had dropped, he then grabbed the back of his collar and dragged Wilmington to the center of the warehouse. Kneeling beside him, he searched the large man for any other weapons. "Well, well, well, look at this," he smirked. "Nice of you to help me out Wilmington," he sneered as he used the handcuffs he'd found to secure Buck's wrists behind him. Satisfied, after a further search, that the man carried no other weapons, Phillip pushed himself to his feet and went in search of something to secure Buck's ankles. It didn't take him long to find some rope lying in a corner. Quickly, he tied Buck's ankles together. Stepping back, he waited for the man to wake up, an evil grin spreading over his face.

Groaning softly, Buck slowly blinked open his eyes. The sunlight coming through the windows, though dim this late in the day, was enough to send a stab of sharp pain through his skull.

"Nice of you to join me Wilmington," Spencer gleefully announced his presence.

Twisting his head around, Buck glared at the man through slitted eyes.

"What, no hello? That's rather rude, don't you think?"

"You're a dead man Spencer, just as soon as I get loose," Buck growled.

Phillip laughed, "I don't think I need to worry. You'll play hell getting out of those cuffs. Since you're here though you can help me with a small dilemna I'm having." Turning away from Buck, he picked up a tape recorder and carried it over to where Wilmington lay bound. "I didn't catch quite everything, turned off the recording equipment and left after you carried your buddy to the bedroom," he absently explained.

"You son of a bitch!" Buck snapped, eyes blazing with fury in his suddenly pale face.

"Now, now, is that any way to talk?" Phillip amicably questioned. "Anyway back to my dilemna, you see I can't decide should I send this tape to the District Attorney or to the victim? You can see my problem I'm sure. On the one hand, I have in my hands the means to bring a rapist to justice, but do I have the right? Maybe I should send it to your friend, let him decide if he wants to press charges. What do you think Wilmington?"

"I think you're a sick bastard and there ain't no way you're David Spencer's brother." The words were barely out of Buck's mouth when Phillip's hand connected with his jaw, rocketing his head to the side.

"You don't say his name," he growled.

"The man I knew was a good cop, a good man and there is no way he would've condoned a scheme like this. He's probably rolling over in his grave at the thought of what you've done in his name," Buck calmly stated, ignoring the taste of blood from his split lip.

"Maybe he wouldn't have approved before he met you, but after what you let happen to him he was a changed man. Wonder how much it'll change your friend, but maybe I should say ex-friend," Phillip taunted. "I tell you what, before you help me make my decision I think you should hear the tape for yourself." Setting the recorder on the floor, he reached down, and without taking his eyes off of Buck, pressed the play button. "Of course I'll take this part out before I send it to anybody," Phillip said as the replay of his conversation with Buck sounded from the machine.

Buck winced as the phone call ended and he joined Vin on the couch. He could hear the crackling sound of the leather as he settled himself on the sofa, tears coming to his eyes as he heard Vin ask him if he was okay. As the tape played, his mind provided video to accompany the sounds and words he was hearing.

Vin parked a block from the warehouse, walking the rest of the way. He frowned when he saw Buck's truck. He had hoped to take care of this guy before anybody else found him. "Well guess I might as well find Bucklin," he mumbled as he closed the distance to the building. Searching the area, he saw where somebody had stood outside the door, their toes right up against it as they peeked inside. Figuring this must've been Buck, he took a look of his own. "Damn," he cursed when he saw his friend bound and lying on the floor. Stepping away from the building, he considered his options. Going through the door was out of the question, Spencer would see him the minute he opened it, but he had to find a way into the warehouse. He couldn't leave Buck at the mercy of a man like Phillip Spencer. Slowly he walked around the building, looking for another way in. He'd nearly given up when he spotted it, a fire escape leading to the roof, probably there to give anybody trapped in the loft area a way off the roof.

Before he climbed it though, he took a good long look at it. The last thing either him or Buck needed was for him to fall because of a rusty ladder. Finally satisfied that it was safe, or as safe as it could be, Vin jumped for the lowest rung, the lowest section being missing, and pulled himself up. Quietly he climbed the ladder, gently lowering himself to the roof he was careful to make as little noise as possible. Lying flat, he crab crawled to the nearest skylight. Glancing through it, he was disappointed to see it was directly over the main part of the warehouse, with no way down. Though if he couldn't find a way in, he could at least get a clear shot at Spencer if it looked to be necessary. Spying another skylight, he carefully crawled to it. Looking down, he grinned when he saw the short ladder leading from the skylight to the loft below. Sending up a silent prayer, he cautiously opened the skylight, quickly sending up silent thanks that it hadn't squeaked as he opened it. As quickly and quietly as possible, he climbed the ladder to the loft.

Again lying flat, he made his way to the edge of the loft and peeked over the side. What he saw and heard sent chills down his spine. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. It hadn't been Spencer, it had been Buck! His friend, a man he'd thought he could trust, had raped him. As he listened to the tape, the attack began to come back to him. All of it, the unexpected fear when Buck suddenly turned on him, the incredible feeling of betrayal that paralyzed him for precious seconds and the intense pain he'd felt as his friend raped him. It was only when Spencer stopped the tape to taunt Buck that he began to wonder just how the man had come to have a recording of his rape?

"You know Wilmington as much pleasure as I got out of listening to you raping your friend, knowing what it was doing to you, I have to admit the next part is my favorite. Who knew that the ladies man of team seven is into men? Of course now that I know how you really feel, it makes my revenge all the sweeter," he smirked. "I think I'd like to hear it again," reaching over he pressed the play button once more, filling the echoing warehouse with Buck's voice.

"Vin please talk to me...I'm so sorry Vin, I never wanted to hurt you, I had no choice."

Buck lay on the floor, miserably listening to himself pour his heart out to Vin. He remembered each action that accompanied his words. Gently dressing Vin, scooping him up in his strong arms and lovingly carrying him to the guest room. Where he tucked him into bed and prepared to wait for him to come back to himself.

"He said he'd kill you if I didn't do it. He could see you sitting on the couch, I couldn't chance calling his bluff. I'd rather you were alive and hating me than dead. Oh god Vin, I love you so much and if I could've saved you from this I would've. I swear to you, I would've given my own life to save you from this. If only he'd given me that option. I'm gonna sit down right over here sweetness, I'll be here when you come back to me. Please Vin, come back to me...."

Here the tape ended, but not the tears that had clearly been heard in Buck's voice as he had fruitlessly explained his actions to an unresponsive Vin. From the loft Vin listened, his own eyes shimmering with tears. His mind reeled with the things he'd heard, the truths that had been revealed. Well he'd told Chris that he could handle the truth, hadn't he? Vin supposed now that he'd get the chance to find out if he really could.

"So tell me Wilmington, what do ya think? Should I turn it over to the D.A. or to your victim?"

"I don't give a damn," Buck miserably replied.

"Have to get rid of our little conversation at the beginning though, and that bit at the end where you told him about my threat. After all we can't let a rapist go free on a little technicality like that, can we?"

Vin listened in growing anger as Spencer taunted Buck. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to put aside all emotion. Drawing on his training from the Rangers, he steadied himself until he entered what he'd always referred to as the zone. Cold, detached, professional, he was ready to do the job he'd been trained for. There was one exception though, this time he wouldn't shoot to kill as the Rangers had taught him, he would only wound. He wanted Phillip Spencer to be tried for his crimes. He had to pay for what he'd done to both of them. Suddenly he rolled to his back, his gun trained on the skylight above him.

Chris had driven straight to the office, sure that Buck would go there to look up all he could on the Spencer brothers. He hadn't found him there of course. Not having any idea where to start looking, he had done what he'd expected Buck to do. Firing up his computer, he began to search for anything he could find on David and Phillip Spencer. He'd found several possibilites, but nothing definite and had been just about to shut down the computer when his phone rang. Chris grinned when he imagined Nathan holding the phone away from his ear as he was given a royal ass chewing. Ordering Nathan and Josiah to search for Vin, he hung up and called JD. Informing the younger man of the latest development, he ordered him to assist in the search for Vin. He had barely hung up when his phone rang again, this time it was Ezra and he had good news.

"Mr. Larabee I believe I know where we can find Phillip Spencer and hopefully our wayward Lothario."

"Where?" Chris barked the question.

"I have it on good authority that a man fitting Spencer's description has been seen frequenting the warehouse in which his younger sibling was so heinously attacked."

"Are you sure Ezra?"

"As sure as one can be in these circumstances," Ezra smoothly replied. "Mr. Larabee if I may, you sound a bit more anxious than I had expected, has something else occurred?"

"Vin flew the coop and I wouldn't be surprised if he's trying to find Phillip Spencer too."

"I see. Then might I suggest that we make all due haste to the locale in question."

"I'll meet you there Ezra," Chris responded, "hold on." Flipping through the information he'd printed out, he pictured the location of the warehouse. "Park a block to the north of the warehouse, we'll cooridinate from there," he ordered before ending the call. It had only taken a couple of minutes to relay those same orders to the rest of the team as he made his way out the door to the elevator.

Vin nodded when he saw his boss and friend peering down at him through the skylight. Rolling back over, he watched Spencer as Chris made his way into the loft to lay on the floor next to him. He smiled grimly as Chris put his mouth next to his ear and quietly told him the plan. It wasn't elegant, the situation wouldn't really allow it, but it would be effective. On a signal from Chris, JD and Ezra would come in the side door, at the same moment Josiah and Nathan, in Josiah's Blazer, would crash through the large front door. Hopefully with the element of surprise on their side they could take Spencer down without firing a shot. However if it looked like that wasn't going to happen, or if Buck looked to be in imminent danger, Vin would take Phillip Spencer down. Vin nodded his understanding and hunkered down to wait for Chris' signal.

Chris listened to the voices of his team coming over the earpiece he wore. Waiting until everybody was in place, he keyed his mic, once, twice, three times and then one long tone that only the team could hear. All hell broke loose as a large vehicle crashed through the doors, Josiah letting loose a maniacal yell was he brought the Blazer to a halt. In that same instance JD and Ezra came through the side door, yelling their identity and ordering Spencer to drop to his knees. Spencer looked wildly around the building, his eyes taking on a crazed gleam as he saw his plans for revenge going down the drain. Grabbing Buck's gun from his waistband, he pointed it at the fallen agent. He made no threats, didn't try to bargain; his only intention was to take Buck Wilmington with him. As his finger tightened on the trigger, a single shot rang out, sending a bullet through his shoulder and dropping him to the floor, the gun he held skidding to a stop several yards away.

Vin and Chris quickly made their way to the floor of the warehouse where JD was already removing the handcuffs from Buck's wrists. "Phillip Spencer, you're under arrest for the assault of a federal officer, kidnapping and unlawful imprisonment," Chris stood over the fallen man, staring coldly down at him.

"Go ahead arrest me and all of this will come out at the trial," Phillip taunted. "His career will be over as soon as everybody knows what he did to his buddy over there. I've got the whole thing on tape and I'll make sure it gets made public," he threatened.

"Chris ya..." Buck began, jerking as another shot rang out.

"What tape?" Vin asked, his eyes never wavering from the tape recorder he'd just blown to hell with a single shot from his high powered rifle. They'd have to take the tape out and burn it of course, but he'd figured this way would let Spencer know just what he thought of his tape.

"He raped you, don't you want to see him pay for that?" Phillip stared at him in disbelief.

"I reckon that's between me and him, but I sure as hell want to see you pay for what you've done," Vin drawled.

"It'll still come out at the trial, I'll make sure of it." Phillip stared at him, ignoring Nathan as he bandaged his shoulder.

"Your word against ours and if you think I'll admit to what happened in public, you're crazier than I already figured you for," Vin smiled grimly.

"Josiah, Nathan, get him out of here and don't forget to read him his rights," Chris ordered.

Lowering his gun, Vin looked Buck over. "Nathan, I reckon you should check Buck over first."

"Go on Nate, I can handle this guy," Josiah rumbled. Slapping the cuffs on Spencer, he bundled him into his Blazer and backed out of the warehouse, headed for the city jail by way of the emergency room at Denver general.

"I'm fine Nathan," Buck tried to wave him off.

"I've seen your fine before Buck, now let me take a look," Nathan frowned. "Where exactly are you hurt?"

Buck sighed, he knew when he was defeated, "Back of my head."

"You seeing double? Feel sick to your stomach? Dizzy?" Nathan questioned as he examined the knot on the back of Buck's skull.

"Little dizzy and my head is pounding but other than that I'm fine."

"Uh-huh," Nathan mumbled. Moving around to face Buck, he carefully examined his eyes. "I'd say you got a slight concussion Buck, you need to go to the hospital and get checked out."

"No..."

"Buck ya need to be checked if we're going to make a case against Spencer," Chris pointed out, cutting off whatever protests he'd been about to make.

"Give me a minute?" he asked.

Chris looked between Buck and Vin, nodding he prodded the others away from the two men.

"I'm sorry Vin, I never wanted to hurt you," Buck softly apologized.

"So I heard."

"You heard the tape?" Buck felt sick, remembering the horrible things that had been on that tape.

"Yeah. I knew I'd been raped, could feel it, but I thought it was Spencer that did it."

"Now that you know it was me?"

"I know ya was forced Buck, but I need some time to think about all of this," Vin quietly replied.

"I understand," Buck whispered.

"I doubt that, but thanks. Tell Chris and the others not to worry, I'll be in on Monday, I just need to get away for a couple of days."

"Vin?"

"Yeah?"

"Please come back, no matter how you feel about me now, don't let what happened drive you away from the only family you got. If you decide you can't work with me, I'll leave, that's the only fair thing to do."

Vin looked into Buck's eyes, he could see the pain in his blue eyes and he wondered if his own pain was so easily seen? A part of him wanted to tell the older man that everything would be okay now, but he couldn't. Not yet, maybe not ever. Giving a short nod, he turned and walked away from the men who had become his family.

Chapter 7

Unlike his previous flight, this time Vin took the time to gather a few things together. Driving back to his apartment in Purgatorio, he barely made it inside the building when he was waylaid by a small woman with deep brown eyes.

"Vincente como este mi hijo?" Senora Rosario questioned, her small hand on his arm, halting him in his tracks.

"Bueno senora," he politely replied. "I'm going on a little camping trip though so if you'll excuse me." Moving to step around her, he only managed to move a few inches, stopping as she moved to block him, staring up at him.

"You do not lie to me Vincente," she ordered. "I am not some stranger on the street for you to put off with simple pleasantries. You're friend, the one who likes the ladies, he came to look for you early..."

"We were supposed to meet up but..."

Grabbing his arm, she hustled him into her apartment, rapidly berating him in spanish. "He was worried for you, ah..ah, do not lie to me. What is happening mi hijo? Why do you try to fool me?"

Vin knew a losing battle when he saw one and with a heavy sigh he sank onto her couch, defeated. "It's complicated."

"Then uncomplicate it," she firmly ordered. Seeing his look of confusion, she sat beside him, holding his strong hand between her own. "Tell me about it, often talking will make a complicated thing more clear."

"I can't tell ya, it's..."

"Complicated," she completed the sentence for him. "You do not need to give me details if you don't wish to," she suggested, hoping to make it easier on him.

"I was at a friend's place last night, he did something that betrayed my trust," he quietly told her.

"He hurt you?"

"Yeah, but he didn't want to."

"Is this what he told you?" she bristled. She had known this young man for a while now and though he had never given her details, she had seen the pain of old hurts in his eyes. Pain that had faded as he grew closer to the men who had become his family. The thought that one of them had hurt him infuriated her, bringing the mother lioness within her to the surface as she prepared to defend her cub. "You know better than that Vincente," she gently chided. "There is nothing you could have done to deserve any hurt he gave you."

"It ain't like you're thinking senora, he was forced to hurt me by a man who was after revenge."

"Or is that the excuse he used?"

"No ma'am, it's the truth. We caught the man, but before he was arrested I heard them talking, heard the man taunt my friend about what he'd made him do."

"How is it he did this thing?"

"He had me in his gun sights, threatened to kill me if my friend didn't do as he was told," Vin explained.

"I see, this friend...it was the ladies man who was here this morning?"

Vin nodded, "I found out something else when we arrested the man that forced Buck to hurt me," he added, using his name now that she knew who had hurt him.

"Que?"

"Buck isn't as much of a ladies man as ya think," he paused, giving her a moment to process his words. Truthfully he wanted to be sure she could accept this news about Buck without condemning him, before he told her the rest.

"I can't fault his taste," she smiled softly.

"Ma'am?"

"He has fallen in love with you mi hijo?" she asked, though it sounded more like a statement.

"Yeah, he has."

"Do you welcome these feelings?"

"I don't know...I might've before, but now it's harder. I need time to sort out my feelings," he quietly said.

"Is he willing to give you time?"

"He is...I was gonna go up in the mountains for a couple of days."

"I will prepare you some burritos to take with you," she nodded thoughtfully. "You gather what you need, I will have them ready by the time you are ready."

"You ain't got to do that."

"I'm not offering because I have to, I am offering because I want to. You will not insult an old woman by refusing a gift, will you?"

Vin blushed, ducking his head, "No ma'am I wouldn't do that, where's this old woman you're talking about?"

It was Senora Rosario's turn to blush, "Thank you Vincente," kissing his cheek. "Now off with you," she shooed him on his way.

Chuckling, Vin left the apartment and headed for his own. Moving quickly through the rooms, he gathered a few camping supplies, a little food and most importantly some white sage for the meditation he sorely needed. Stopping off at the Rosario's he graciously accepted the burritos with a kiss to her wrinkled cheek. Outside, he climbed into his jeep and drove away from his building, his mind focused on his beloved mountains where he hoped to start healing.

Buck watched the scenery passing by as Chris drove him from the hospital to the ranch. He had barely spoken since Vin had left the warehouse. Mostly he had talked only to the doctor, answering his questions and arguing with him when he wanted to put him in the hospital. Finally Chris had stepped in and offered to take Buck to his place for the next two days, promising to keep a close eye on the man. The doctor hadn't liked it, but seeing that he was getting nowhere in convincing Buck to stay, he finally gave in and signed the release papers. Since then, Buck had been ignoring Chris' concerned glances and quiet questions. He jumped when a hand landed heavily on his shoulder, turning his head he shot a questioning look at his friend.

"I said we're here Buck," Chris repeated.

"Oh, okay," Buck acknowledged. Opening the door he climbed out of the truck and slowly walked inside the sprawling ranch house.

"You sure you're okay Buck?" Chris asked as he came in behind him.

Buck sighed, "Yeah Chris, I just need some rest and I can do that as easily here as I can at the hospital."

"You want to talk?"

"Talk? What do you want to talk about Chris?" Buck snapped. "Want to talk about how I may have ruined the team? Want to talk about there being no chance that Vin will ever want to be with me now? How about we talk about just how bad I screwed up?"

"Alright Buck let's talk about it," Chris fiercely agreed. "Tell me why you didn't find some way out of hurting Vin?"

"Goddamn it Chris I wanted to but..." Buck trailed off.

"There wasn't any way out, was there?"

"No, but I should've found..."

"Buck how were you supposed to find something that wasn't there?"

"I don't know," Buck miserably replied. "I love him Chris, how am I supposed to make this up to him?"

"Give him the space he needs, be his friend and let the rest come if it will."

"When did you get to be so smart?"

"Must've come from hanging out with Josiah," Chris smirked. "Go on and lay down Buck, I'll fix us a couple of steaks," he offered.

"Thanks Chris."

Vin parked his jeep in the same spot Chris had found it earlier that day. Looking up at the sky, he figured he could make it a third of the way before it was too dark to safely hike the rough terrain. Grabbing his pack from the back seat, he slung it on his back and started out. The peacefulness of the mountains soothed him like nothing else could. He was far from healing however, not even really begun, but as the old adage went, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. "Wonder where my journey will take me," he absently wondered as he treked up the mountain trail.

Soon the sky darkened as night approached and just as Vin had supposed, he was a third of the way up when he needed to stop. Seeing a nice camping spot , he quickly and efficiently set up his camp. By the time the veil of darkness had fallen, Vin was seated beside a small fire, using a small skillet to heat up the burritos Mrs. Rosario had provided. After finishing his small meal, he leaned back, supporting himself on his elbows, and watched the fire. Letting the dancing flames hypnotize him, he stared into their depths, his mind wandering at will over the landscape of his thoughts.

"Tenahp you are troubled."

Vin looked through the flames at the owl perched calmly on a large rock, staring at him with large, unblinking eyes. "I am brother owl," he calmly acknowledged.

"Guidance is sought."

"It is. Can you help brother owl?"

"Perhaps, but not tonight. Tonight you must allow your mind to rest, tomorrow will be soon enough to seek guidance."

"Will you lead me on my path?"

"I will be there young one, as will others...you must listen to the wisdom of your heart as well as the wisdom of the spirits. It is only when you join the two together that you will find the truth and healing you search for."

Vin blinked as the owl fluttered it's wings, shifting into the shape of a great wolf which then loped off into the darkness. Rubbing his eyes, he wondered if what he'd seen had been real or only a product of his own wishful thinking. Had one of his spirit animals truly communicated with him. Sighing, he decided that he would take the vision as the good omen it was meant to be. Thanking the spirits for their help, he spread out his bed roll and stretched out, he closed his eyes, willing himself to sleep.

He awoke with the sun. Sitting up, he took a few minutes to enjoy the colors painted across the sky by the rising sun. Fixing himself a quick breakfast, Vin was soon packed up, his fire doused, and back on the trail. By midday he was at the summit, setting up a new camp. This camp however, had one addition, a small, one man sweat lodge, intended only for temporary use. For the noon meal he fixed only a cup of mugwort tea, letting the warm liquid soothe his soul and relax him. Stripping his clothes off, he entered his sweat lodge, glad to see that the small fire in the center had heated the rocks surrounding it. Lowering himself to the ground, he sat in front of the rocks with his legs crossed. Throwing a handful of white sage onto the fire, he placed his hands on his knees, palms up and breathed deeply of the cleansing smoke. Chanting a prayer for guidance in Commanche, Vin steadily slowed his heart rate and breathing as he waited for an answer.

"You have been hurt," a wolf spoke from beside him.

"I have tseena. I know he didn't want to hurt me, he was forced."

"Yet this knowledge does not lessen the pain."

"It should," Vin insisted.

"Why?"

"Well cause I know he didn't want to do it, I mean it ain't right to be angry with him when he had no more choice than I did."

"Little brother, emotions are neither right or wrong, they simply are."

"Then it's okay that I'm mad at him?"

"It is a fact that you are angry, why do you seek my permission to experience what you feel?"

Vin considered this, letting the smoke of the sage cleanse him and transport him to the space he needed to be in. "I don't feel right about being angry because I know he is hurting too."

"Do you wish to heal him?"

"I guess so."

"You must first heal yourself little brother," tseena advised.

"How?"

"Relax, let yourself ride on the smoke, let it guide you where you need to go."

Doing as the wolf instructed, Vin took more deep breaths, letting himself move deeper into a meditative trance. Outside the lodge he heard a growl and a whine, standing up he stepped outside and saw two cheetahs circling each other. It was clear they were both male and aroused as they dance around each other, slowly getting closer. Suddenly the smaller cheetah moved away only to be pounced on by the larger animal. The larger of the two mounted the smaller, moving his hips in a motion as old as time, he took his pleasure of the smaller animal. Vin felt tears prickling his eyes as he watched, too shocked to move. It was only as the larger cheetah howled his release that Vin realized the smaller cat had released also, their pungent odors mixing as though they belonged together. Vin blinked, staring into the flames, he understood it had all been a vision, but what did it mean?

"You know what it means," a sleek cheetah whispered from across the flames.

"I felt pleasure too," he rasped the knowledge.

"This bothers you?"

"Of course it bothers me," Vin snapped, drawing a hiss from the cat. "Sorry, but shouldn't it bother me? He raped me, what kind of sick bastard am I that I got any enjoyment from it?"

"Did the vision teach you nothing?" the cheetah sneered.

"What do you mean?"

"Think tenahp," he snapped. "You must come to the answers, we can only guide you."

Vin nodded, "The vision was about natural reactions."

"Very good tenahp."

"The smaller cat couldn't help releasing, it was a normal reaction to the physical act."

"There is hope for you yet tenahp."

"Thank you," Vin smiled. He couldn't help thinking how much the cheetah sounded like Ezra, especially the condescending tone. He wondered how Ezra would react to that idea.

"There is more to the vision..."

"The bonds of brotherhood," Vin softly spoke. "Even though the cheetahs fought, they belonged together, they're family and nothing can change that."

"Yessss," the cheetah hissed.

"Alright so I don't need to feel guilty over any pleasure I received, I can accept that. I can accept that Buck is still part of my family and I wouldn't want to lose him, but what about the other?" The cheetah didn't answer, between one blink and the next, he disappeared. In his place an owl appeared, flying to Vin's shoulder, he perched there as though it were his right.

"The other?"

"He loves me, what do I do about that?"

"What do you wish to do?"

"I don't know," Vin replied.

"You have worn a series of masks young one, from the time of childhood you have felt the need to hide who you are. So deeply and often have you hidden your true self that even you sometimes do not know who you are. The men who are your family..."

"They ain't, I mean I think of them that way but they're not my blood."

"Hush tenahp," the owl admonished with a peck to the top of Vin's head. "You know better young one, family is more than blood and sometimes blood means less than nothing."

"You're right brother owl, I'm sorry."

"The men who are your family have allowed you to come out of hiding," the owl continued as though he'd never been interrupted. "Now because of the horrible event you experienced your instinct is driving you to hide again. Do not make this mistake little brother, slip off the masks you wear as well as those of others. It is only when you look beneath the masks that you will be able to find the person you are meant to be."

"If I slip off the masks will that help me figure out if I should give him a chance?"

"It will help you discover where your heart lies."

"How do I slip off his masks?"

"You know the way, close your eyes," the owl instructed as he hopped to a perch on top of Vin's head. "Relax and I will lead you through time and space that the truth may be revealed to you," he instructed, loudly flapping his wings.

Vin did as he was told. He could feel the wind rushing past him as he slipped through time and space, a myriad of scenes playing out before his eyes. Scenes that took him through his life, from infancy into old age, even to his deathbed. He saw all of the possible roads laid out before him, the many paths he could take, each ending in a different way. As he watched, he could feel the uncertainity growing. There were too many to choose from, how did he know which one was right.

"Choose," the owl whispered.

"Choose," the wolf and the cheetah added.

"How?" Vin asked.

"Use your keen sight to see the best path," the owl advised.

"Focus on what you want and the answer will come," the cheetah offered.

"Follow your instincts they will never let you down," the wolf growled.

Vin focused intently on the paths, amazingly as he focused he could see the masks covering the faces of the players on the paths. Letting his instincts guide him, he gasped when he realized that on one path the masks were missing from the men and women who traveled that distance. He knew then, these were the true selves of his family and this was the path he must take. "Thank you my brothers, my path is clear now."

"You are welcome little one, fly true on the path you travel," brother owl spoke, disappearing in a puff of smoke.

"You are welcome little brother, be faitful to your instinct and it will be faithful to you," the wolf advised, fading into the mists.

"You're welcome tenahp, may your focus remain steady," the cheetah growled, running off through the wall of the lodge.

Opening his eyes, Vin smiled, a feeling of lightness surrounding him as he prepared to take the next step on his journey.

Chapter 8

In a dark bedroom a figure twisted beneath the sheets, tangling himself in them as a nightmare engulfed him, allowing no escape. Quiet moans filled the room, but nobody was there to hear them. Hands fisted in the sheets, tugging on them, a few mumbled words escaping from his throat. Begging forgiveness from another who wasn't there to hear. Pleas for comfort and help fell on an empty room. With a sudden cry, bitten off before it could fully form, he jerked upright in the bed, breathing harshly as though he'd just ran ten miles.

Buck glanced frantically around the room, almost expecting to see Vin standing in the corner, staring at him with hate filled eyes. "A dream," he whispered, "it was just a dream." He could only hope that it remained a dream. If what he'd done caused Vin to act like he'd been in his nightmare... Buck shuddered, the remnants of the nightmare fresh in his mind. Laying back against the pillows, he scrubbed a hand over his face, as though with this simple action he could erase the images of the nightmare. Glancing at the clock, he saw that the alarm would be sounding in an hour. "No more sleep tonight," he sighed. Throwing back the covers, he climbed from the bed and made his way down the hall to the shower.

Standing under the steaming water, Buck couldn't banish the dream or the feelings it had brought to the surface. He knew he could never make things right with Vin, no matter what he wanted. How could he ever expect Vin to be comfortable around him again? There sure wasn't any way Vin would be able to trust him again. Buck didn't hold any illusions about that, not that he blamed the younger man for feeling that way. He knew if the roles had been reversed he would've found it impossible to trust again after such a horrible betrayal of his friendship. He shook his head, berating himself as a fool. The roles would never have been reversed, because Vin would've found a way to escape the situation without hurting him. Buck had given in though, had done as Spencer ordered, his fear for Vin's life driving rational thought from his mind. As the water washed away the sweat, but not the feelings of filth and shame, Buck began to wonder if JD was right. "Did I take advantage of the situation? Is that why I didn't find a way out of it, because I wanted Vin? Dear God what kind of man am I? How do I face him again? I can't...I have to resign, there's no way I can face him. Stop it Buck!" he ordered himself. "You owe it to him to be there when he walks into the office today. You ain't got the right to avoid him, to run. You only leave if he tells you to and if he does you get without an argument. If you do nothing else for him you make sure he don't feel guilty for asking you to leave the team." Buck lectured himself, unaware of the tears that were beginning to streak his cheeks at the thought of leaving his only family behind. Of leaving the man he loved, never to see him again, never to hear his voice or look into those beautiful eyes. As the water turned cold it took a few minutes for it to register. Turning off the stream of water, he reached for a towel.

In a short while he was dried off, dressed and heading for Chris' kitchen. Starting a pot of coffee, he gathered the ingredients for a world class omelet. He didn't feel much like eating, but Chris had been a good friend, giving up his weekend to take care of him and Buck wanted to let him know it was appreciated.

"You're up early," Chris commented as he stepped into the kitchen. Pulling a mug from the cabinet, he poured himself a cup of coffee.

Buck shrugged, "Wanted to fix you some breakfast, kind of a thank you for putting up with me all weekend."

"Didn't have anything to do with the bad dream you had?" Chris casually asked.

Buck turned, staring at his old friend as he leaned against the counter, sipping his coffee. "How'd you know?"

"Didn't, but figured you might've had one. Want to talk about it?"

"Nope. Grab a plate will ya?" Buck asked. Finishing up the omelet, he slid it onto the plate Chris held.

He considered forcing the issue, but decided to let it slide for now. Turning his attention to the stove, Chris eyed the skillet, noticing that Buck had already put the eggs away. "Aren't you having any?"

"I already ate," Buck lied.

"Buck you need to eat and don't lie to me again, you forget how well I know you."

"I'm too nervous to eat Chris," Buck admitted.

"He'll forgive ya Buck," Chris soothed.

"He shouldn't have to forgive me," Buck snapped. "I raped him, betrayed him in the worst way a man can betray a friend, how can he forgive that?"

"Because Vin is a forgiving man and a fair one. He knows you had no choice in what you did. Buck you're as much a victim as he is and Vin will understand that."

"You really think I'm gonna walk into that office today and everything's gonna be fine?"

"No," Chris honestly replied. "I think Vin will be willing to forgive ya and I think he'll do his best, but it won't happen overnight."

Buck stared at his oldest friend for several minutes. "Thank you Chris, don't think I could've stood ya trying to feed me a bunch of platitudes and pretty lies."

"We've always been honest with each other Buck, I sure ain't gonna change that now."

"Good, now I'm gonna go feed the horses while you have your breakfast. When I'm done I'll get dressed for work and we can go on in." Not giving Chris a chance to say anything, Buck turned and left the house.

Chris watched him go, a sad look playing over his handsome face. Sighing heavily, he hoped that Buck and Vin could work things out. He hated to think what it would do to the team, the family if they didn't. Deep down he knew that if Vin couldn't forgive Buck and/or if Buck couldn't forgive himself the family they'd cobbled together was finished.

He supposed Ezra would probably go to Vegas or somewhere like that, using the skills his mother had taught him to survive. Survive is all he'd do though, that sort of life would quickly turn him back into the distrusting, distant man he'd been when he first joined the team. Nathan would be alright, he'd still have Raine, maybe he'd even go back to medical school. Josiah would probably retire, spending more time helping out at his mission. JD, well he had a good future ahead of him with the ATF, with or without the team backing him. Chris had his ranch, but it would be a damned lonely place without the rest of the team dropping in on the weekends. Joining him for cookouts and trail rides, watching the game on Sunday afternoons and arguing over who would win. What worried him the most was what it would do to Buck and Vin if they broke apart over what had happened. Both men would blame themselves for the pain their friends were dealing with. Vin would probably go back to bounty hunting and with that guilt eating at him, he'd take foolish chances. It scared Chris to think of how short his friend's life would probably be if he took that route. Buck wouldn't be any better, except instead of losing himself in work, he'd lose himself in chasing the ladies. Any lady, married or single, until some jealous boyfriend or husband shot him. Absently Chris finished his breakfast and headed for his own shower. Damn it! He couldn't let the team be destroyed by what Philip Spencer had done. There had to be a way to help Buck and Vin repair the damage, they couldn't let Spencer win.

Buck came back into the house after feeding the horses. Hearing the shower running, he went to the guest room and pulled some clean work clothes from the closet. He choked back a grief stricken sound at the sight of Vin's clothes hanging from the rod. Each of them had taken to leaving some suitable clothes in the guest room at Chris' ranch for mornings like this. Buck had made sure that his clothes hung next to Vin's. It had made him feel like a stupid kid when he'd done it, still did, but he couldn't help himself. Now though, it only served as a cruel reminder of what he'd done and of what he'd lost. Quickly he shut the closet door and got dressed. Stepping out of the bedroom, he nearly ran into Chris, "Sorry," he mumbled as he shouldered his way past his old friend.

Chris took a step back, barely avoiding the collision with Buck. He stared after him in surprise, his worry for his men and family climbing another notch. Blowing out a breath, he followed Buck out to the truck and slid behind the wheel. Without a word, he turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of the drive for the silent drive to work. As he drove, Chris kept shooting looks in his friend's direction, but he said nothing. He couldn't help noticing that the closer they got to the office the more Buck fidgeted in the seat next to him, putting him in mind of a five year old on the first day of school. Just in time, he stopped himself from reaching over to pat his shoulder and assure him it would be okay. Chris smiled as he pictured Buck's likely reaction to being treated like a little boy.

Buck tried to stay calm, but it was no use. The closer they got to the federal building that housed their team office, the more nervous he became. When Chris pulled up to the last light before the parking garage, he nearly jumped from the truck and ran. The only thing that stopped him was knowing that Vin deserved better than that. As the big pick-up rumbled down the ramp to the garage, Buck automatically scanned the lot for Vin's jeep. He sucked in a sudden breath, not knowing whether to be relieved or worried when he didn't see it.

"He's probably just running late," Chris assured him.

"You sure?" Buck asked. In that moment any relief he might've felt at the delay in facing Vin was gone, worry was all he could feel. "Maybe he decided to not come back."

"No, he wouldn't do that."

"I know ya know him real well Chris, y'all are closer than brothers but you can't be sure of that."

"Yes I can and so can you Buck," Chris argued. "I'm not saying he won't decide to leave, he could do that. What I am saying is Vin wouldn't walk away without a word. He'd come to the office and he'd leave the right way, you know it too."

Buck nodded, knowing Chris was right. "Guess we better go on upstairs and get the coffee started before he does show up," he tried to joke. Vin's coffee was notorious throughout the building as undrinkable. In fact Vin and Josiah were the only two in the entire place that could drink it and even Josiah couldn't handle it every day.

"Good idea," Chris lightly replied. As they rode the elevator to their floor, he did his best to push his own worry away. It was probably like he'd told Buck, Vin was just running late. It did happen every once in a while and God knew he had plenty of reason for being late today. Chris nodded, that was all it was, Vin was just nervous about facing Buck. It made sense, after all that had happened, of course he would be nervous. Feeling better, Chris calmly stepped off the elevator as the doors opened on their floor. Striding to the team seven offices, he walked inside and headed straight for his office. Depositing his briefcase on the desk, he settled in and began to sort through the papers in the case. Focusing on the papers, Chris was proud that he only looked at the door leading from the hallway half a dozen times in thirty minutes. "Oh the hell with it," he snapped, reaching for the phone just as the door opened and Vin walked through it. Jumping up he stormed into the bullpen, "Where the hell have you been?"

"Good morning to you too cowboy," Vin drawled. "I know ya can't be this jumpy because of any coffee ya drank. Can't you or Buck make a decent cup of mud," he teased. He knew why Chris was snapping and he hoped that by behaving like it was any other morning he could make the other man see that he was overreacting.

"Now we know what the problem is," Chris smiled, recognizing what Vin was doing. "All this time we thought you were trying to make coffee and you were making mud."

"Better than trying to make colored water like you boys," Vin shot back. "But," with a put upon sigh, "it's better than nothing and I could use something hot." Nodding at Buck as he passed him, he made his way to the break room.

Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he leaned against the wall, using both hands to hold the cup steady. After the visions he'd had up on the mountain he had fooled himself into thinking that coming back to work would be simple. "Stupid," he berated himself. He should've known better. Yes his spirit animals had helped him in finding the answers he needed. With their help he knew the path he needed to take, what he had forgotten was that it wouldn't be easy. This was a learning experience, one of the trials the spirits sometimes sent to a man to test him and help him grow. He had been told that the spirits sorely tested those who they loved best. They wanted to see men mature past an adolescent stage of development, a stage most of humanity would never escape. There were some though that the spirits believed had the capacity to grow into true maturity and Vin had been told years ago by one of the elders that he was such a one. It was however, up to him to rise above the tests they sent his way, learn from them and use them to grow. The alternative was to sink into bitter despair, allowing the trials he endured to turn him into a man who would prey on those weaker than himself, perpetuating the cycles of violence that lived in this world.

Yet, it was hard to remember that when he was hurting, and right now he hurt. He hurt for himself and his friend, it wasn't fair that they had been put t

rough this. It wasn't fair that Buck was blaming himself for what he'd done and it wasn't right that a part of Vin was blaming him too. He had come into the office today, determined to carry on as though nothing had happened. He had forgiven Buck during his time on the mountain, at least he had thought he had. He saw now that he had only been kidding himself. It was going to take more than a weekend on the mountain and an understanding that Buck was as much a victim as he was if he was to find the path his vision had shown him. "What did the vision show ya?" he asked himself. "No masks, ya got to be yourself if you want them to drop their masks." He had noticed it when he was in the office, Buck was already hiding behind a mask when he came through the door. Chris' slipped into place a moment after Vin's greeting. He had no doubt the rest of the team would be wearing masks as well. This was new territory for them all, none of them, not even Ezra, had ever been

etrayed so badly by a friend. Taking a deep breath, he pushed himself off the wall and walked back into the main office.

"Good morning brother Vin," Josiah boomed, hiding his worry, determined to behave normally.

"Morning Josiah," he nodded, moving past him to his desk. Sitting down, he made no effort to mask his discomfort and nervousness, though he did nothing to draw attention to it either. A few minutes later, Nathan and JD came through the door, each greeting Vin with the same false tone in their voices as Josiah's had carried. Vin noticed of course, but he ignored it as he settled down to work.

Buck nervously watched Vin all morning. He noticed the subdued greetings he gave each of their teammates as they walked into the office. The nervous glances that were shot his way didn't escape his notice either, nor did he miss how carefully Vin focused on his work. He wished there was something he could say, but he had no idea what that should be. What do you say to a friend you've betrayed? Sighing deeply, he forced himself to concentrate on his own work, waiting for Vin to make the first move. For the first half of the morning the atmosphere in the office was uncomfortable, almost as if the room were occupied by strangers. Then a strange thing happened, as though Vin's obvious nervousness and discomfort gave them permission to feel their own, the others began to fidget nervously. Oddly, it helped Buck to relax as he noticed, first JD, followed quickly by Nathan and Josiah, beginning to let their discomfort be seen. He didn't like knowing that he was the cause of the discomfort in the air, but at least his friends no longer felt like strangers. Even Ezra, late as usual, was having a hard time hiding his unease.

Softly Vin smiled, ducking his head to hide it from his friends. The vision had been right. If he wanted his friends to be themselves, which included being uncomfortable, then he couldn't hide his feelings. He didn't need to flaunt his edginess, his discomfort, but he couldn't try to pretend it didn't exist. He was a part of a family now and families dealt with their problems together, not alone as he'd always done. He understood now, by owning his pain and acknowledging the power it held over him he would give his friends permission to help him deal with it, in the end healing all of them.

Chapter 9

Buck watched Vin from across the room, wishing he could go to him. He didn't want to make a move on him, well he did, but he wouldn't. What he wanted, right now, was just to be able to talk to his friend again. To be able to joke with him, shoot a game of pool, heck just hang out like they used to. He sighed heavily, telling himself he had to accept that those days were gone forever. Buck knew he should just count himself lucky that Vin was able to work with him again, allowing him to keep his teammates in his life. Thoughts of his teammates inevitably brought up thoughts of JD, the little brother that wouldn't even look at him now, except to glare at him, warning him to leave Vin alone. Feeling that glare on him now, he forced his eyes back to the papers he'd been trying and failing to focus on for the past hour. A month, he could hardly believe it'd been that long since the horrible night all their lives had changed.

Vin could feel Buck's eyes on him, he wasn't sure when it had happened, but he was relieved to say that his friend's presence no longer made him as uncomfortable as it had. Fact was he was actually able to consider spending more time with Buck, with or without the team. He couldn't say everything was back to normal yet though and JD wasn't helping. It was ironic really, not what he would've expected. A small chuckle escaped, good thing he hadn't put any money on that one. After the initial discomfort had passed, they had all of them followed Vin's lead. Not one of them had tried to hide his feelings, each one dealing with it in whatever way worked best for him. With none of them reacting in quite the way Vin expected.

He had expected Chris to beat Buck to a pulp, instead it had been Chris who had taken care of Buck. Gave him a place to live when he couldn't face going back to his own apartment, never making him feel rushed to find another place. Buck hadn't lingered long at the ranch though. Understanding how much Vin needed his best friend while he healed, Buck had quickly found a new place to live. He hadn't gone for an apartment this time though, instead he'd bought a small ranch about half-way between Chris' ranch and Denver. Vin didn't blame Chris for taking care of Buck, he was glad he hadn't turned his back on his oldest friend, that wouldn't have been right. Of course Chris had been there for him too, though it must've been difficult at times for him to balance between the two of them.

He had expected Josiah to offer some kind of philosophical or religious story. Something meant to make him feel better. Something that would make him struggle to keep from planting a fist in Josiah's face. Instead the older man had simply been there, had treated him like he always did, while offering quiet support. He ofter asked for his help down at the mission where he volunteered, and that had helped more than any platitude ever could have. In helping others Vin felt himself healing, a little at a time. Looking back on it, he was sure Josiah had known that would happen, silently he thanked the spirits for giving him such good friends.

Nathan, who usually hovered whenever one of them was injured was surprisingly absent. He hadn't ignored him, he just seemed to understand that Vin needed space. Luckily there hadn't been much in the way of physical injury, not with Buck being as careful as he could during the attack. Still that had never kept Nathan from hovering before. He hadn't been sure what to make of it, had even considered the possibility that he thought Vin deserved what had happened, or maybe it was his bi-sexuality that was the problem. He'd finally asked him last week....

"Nathan can I talk to you?"

Nathan looked up from where he sat in the break room, "Sure Vin, what ya need?"

"I was wondering, um, you ain't been acting like yourself the last few weeks..." Vin had looked away, suddenly uncertain about this conversation.

"You mean since the attack on you and Buck?"

"Yeah," Vin whispered. Clearing his throat, he tried again. "Ya usually hover whenever one of us is hurt."

"I guess I do, did you want me hovering?" Nathan couldn't help being amused and he knew it was coming through in his voice.

Vin smiled, the last few weeks might've been rough but his sense of humor was still intact. "Never thought I would miss your mother hen act, but I guess in its own way it's kind of comforting. Of course if ya ever tell anybody I said that, I'll have to kill ya," he teased.

"Understood," Nathan grinned.

Vin took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "Nate, do you have a problem with me being bi-sexual? Do ya think maybe it was somehow my fault that Spencer got the idea to make Buck rape me?"

Nathan stared at him in shock, his mouth hanging open as his brain tried to process the questions. It was only when Vin started to leave the room that he shook himself free of the surprise that had him rooted to the spot. "Vin wait," he called. He couldn't help gasping when Vin turned around, his dark blue eyes bruised with the pain he'd inadvertently caused.

"It's okay Nate, ya got a right to feel how ya do," Vin mumbled, quickly looking away.

"But that isn't how I feel Vin."

"It's not?"

"NO!," immediately contrite, Nathan lowered his voice. "Sorry, but no it's not. The way I see it the only person to blame for what happened to you and Buck is Philip Spencer. The fact that y'all are bi-sexual doesn't mean a damn thing. Spencer got the idea because you were there, you're Buck's friend and in his warped mind he saw it as the perfect revenge."

"Then why haven't you been hovering like you normally do?"

"Because I knew you needed space to deal with what happened to you. I know what you're going through Vin and I know you, I figured the last thing you needed was me playing mother hen."

"I appreciate that Nate, but ya don't know what I'm going through and I thank the spirits that you don't."

"You're right Vin, I don't know from first-hand experience. But I do know from something that happened back when I was in medical school."

"Something to do with why you dropped out?"

"A friend of mine, he was bi-sexual too. Doug was a nice guy, would've made a hell of a doctor some day."

"What happened to him?"

"He never hid his preferences, he didn't flaunt them either," Nathan made sure Vin knew the man wasn't like that. "He was just a regular guy, who happened to like both men and women. One night on his way home from the movies he was attacked, beaten and raped. Doug was a brave man Vin, you remind me of him in some ways, he went to the campus police. He reported it that night, went to the hospital, did everything the way he was supposed to. They conveniently lost the rape kit and all the pictures of his bruises. From then on out he was harassed by students and faculty alike. He finally had all he could take and left school. During all this and after he left I heard a lot of talk about it being his own fault. These weren't students ya understand, it was the teachers, doctors, saying that if he hadn't chosen to be like that it never would've happened. They acted like it was his fault that he was bi-sexual and that he'd been raped. I left right after that, didn't want any part of a profession that acted like that towards the victim of a horrible crime. I tried to stay in touch but a couple months after he left school, he stopped answering my letters. I got a letter from him about a year later. He'd went home and instead of avoiding him, his family and friends hovered. He said that it never occurred to him that it could be a bad thing to have folks hovering, but it was. It made him feel like he couldn't breathe, like he didn't dare let himself feel whatever he felt because with them hovering he was afraid he'd fall apart and never be able to pick up the pieces again. Eventually he did just that, he'd just gotten out of a psychiatric hospital after a nervous breakdown when he wrote me that letter."

"I'm sorry for your friend Nate," Vin managed past the lump in his throat.

"Aww Vin, I didn't tell you that to upset ya. I just wanted you to know that I have some idea of what you're going through. I gave you space because I didn't want to end up in a psychiatric hospital like Doug. Frankly Vin, I'm not sure you could survive something like that."

"You're probably right about that Nate." Reaching down he pulled him to his feet, hugging him for a moment, "Thank you for your friendship Nathan." Letting him go, he left the room, feeling a lot better than when he'd entered it.

Finally there was Ezra and JD, it was tossup as to which one had been the bigger surprise. Ezra who tended to keep his distance whenever emotions were involved had been there for him whenever he needed him. It was Ezra that he called in the middle of the night when he couldn't face calling Chris, for fear Buck would answer the phone. Ezra who listened to him, no matter what time of day or night it was. Held him when it all became too much for him and he couldn't hold back the tears any longer. If circumstances had been different he might have thought Ezra had an ulterior motive, but he knew what nobody else on the team did. Ezra's heart belonged to another, a bad-tempered, green-eyed blond who had no clue of the love their conman held for him.

He supposed, if he were honest, it was JD that had surprised him the most. It wasn't right the way he was acting towards Buck. He had looked up to Buck from the beginning, seen him as the big brother he'd never had. Buck had taken to the role too, protecting JD, often from himself and doing his best to teach him what he needed to know, not only as an ATF agent, but as a man. Vin shook his head, how could JD just turn his back on a relationship like that? It wasn't right damn it! He wouldn't pretend he was completely comfortable around Buck yet, but he had forgiven him. He understood that Buck had been a victim too, so why couldn't JD understand it? Glancing over at the younger man, he frowned at the glare he saw aimed in Buck's direction. Pushing himself to his feet, he headed to Chris' office, knocking on the door even as he opened it.

Chris glanced up as the door opened, "What's up Vin?"

"JD," Vin replied, sinking into a chair.

Chris frowned, "What about him? Did he say something to you?" He didn't think JD would say anything to hurt Vin, but by god if he had he'd find out what people meant when they spoke of the wrath of Chris Larabee.

"Nah, he ain't said nothing out of line to me," Vin quickly assured his friend. "I ain't real happy with him though."

"You want me to have a talk with him?"

A smile crossed his face, "Thanks, but no. I want to take JD to lunch, I think we need to talk."

Chris was confused, "Okay, but ya don't need my permission to take JD to lunch."

"Know that cowboy," Vin smirked. "Figured I should tell ya we might be late getting back."

"Tell me? Don't you mean ask if it's okay?"

Vin thought about it for a minute, "Nope, I mean tell ya," he grinned.

Chris glared at him, not surprised when it didn't faze the younger man.

"Oh alright, if it'll make ya feel better cowboy. It okay if I take JD for a long lunch so's we can talk?"

"One of these days I'm gonna shoot you Tanner..."

"But not today."

"Not today," Chris confirmed. "Go on, take all the time ya need."

"Thanks Chris."

A hand landing on his back had JD looking up, "Hey Vin, what ya need?"

"I'm getting hungry, want to go grab a burger kid?"

"Um, well, I don't know...I mean it ain't lunch time yet, won't Chris get mad?"

"Nah, I already asked him. Come on JD," Vin insisted, pulling him to his feet and grabbing his jacket. "Here's your coat, let's go eat."

Taking the jacket, JD slipped it on and followed Vin out the door. "What about everybody else?"

"They're going to the saloon for lunch," Vin absently replied as they waited for the elevator.

"There a reason we're not?"

Vin shrugged, "Just wanted something different. Thought we could go over to Bailey's get a couple of their burgers, some fries."

"They do make good burgers," JD mumbled.

"Best in town," Vin corrected.

"Yeah," JD grinned. He could already taste it, and for a minute he forgot to wonder why Vin was inviting him to lunch alone. As they arrived in the parking garage and climbed into Vin's jeep, he thought about it again. "Vin?"

"Yeah JD?" Putting the jeep in gear, he backed out of the space and headed for the surface.

"I was wondering...why do I suddenly feel like a man about to have his last meal?"

"I ain't gonna kill ya JD."

"I know that, I just meant.... Hell, I don't know what I meant," JD sighed.

Vin didn't say anything, just kept driving until they reached the hamburger stand. He ordered them each a special with fries and cokes. As they waited for the food to be ready, neither spoke, both of them lost in thought. Finally the burgers were ready and Vin quickly retrieved their lunch. Handing the sacks to JD, he pulled out of the parking lot and drove back to the federal building, parking down the street where they wouldn't be seen.

"Why did ya park so far away?" JD asked, reaching for the door handle.

"Stay put JD," Vin softly ordered.

"What? Why?"

"I want ya to do something for me?"

JD gave him a puzzled look, "Do something?"

"Yeah. In a few minutes the others will be leaving for lunch, I want you to watch them and tell me what you see."

"That's it?" JD asked incredulously. "What's this about Vin?"

"Just do it kid, then we'll talk," Vin promised. Grabbing his bag, he relaxed back in his seat and started eating, ignoring the puzzled looks JD kept shooting his way. A few minutes later the rest of the team came outside, walking down the street to the saloon. Vin watched as the five men walked companionably along the sidewalk. He noticed too how Buck kept slightly apart from the others, continuously looking over his shoulder as if he were searching for something. Disappointment clearly written on his face each time he failed to find it.

"What am I supposed to be looking at Vin?" JD snapped.

"Watch them, what ya see?"

"I see our teammates going to lunch," JD replied. His tone clearly said he didn't know what other answer Vin was looking for.

"Our teammates?"

"Yeah," JD answered uncertainly. "What do you see?"

"I see a group of friends, a family, enjoying each other's company. I see one that is a little apart though, he ain't able to relax cause he's missing the two that ain't there. Especially the one he thought was his little brother," Vin softly replied.

"It isn't my fault that I'm not there."

"Isn't it?"

"How can you expect me to be friends with him after what he did?" JD demanded.

"Because he was a victim too and because it ain't your place to judge him JD," Vin gently answered, ignoring the younger man's sharp tone.

"How can you forgive him? He raped you, there's no excuse for that!"

"That's right JD, he raped me, not you."

"I don't understand Vin, how can you forgive him when I can't?"

"I don't know JD, but I know it's tearing him apart that you won't forgive him. He's your best friend JD, your big brother and he deserves better from you."

"You wouldn't say that if you knew the whole truth."

"What truth are you talking about JD?"

"Buck wants you Vin, he has for a long time. That's why he didn't find a way to get out of raping you, because he wanted to take you."

"You really believe that?" Vin sadly asked.

"He said it himself," JD growled.

"He said that he went along with raping me because he wanted me?"

"Well no," JD admitted. "But he did say he wanted you..."

"Or he said he loved me?"

JD's eyes widened in shock, "You knew?"

"I heard the tape Spencer had of that night JD, including the part where Buck kept apologizing to me and telling me he loved me."

"That makes it okay?"

"No, but he didn't have a choice JD. You're looking at this wrong kid," Vin spoke quietly, laying his hand on the younger man's shoulder. "You keep thinking Buck raped me and he did, but you're forgetting that in a way he was raped too that night."

"Oh my god, you really mean that don't you?"

"Yeah JD, I do."

"Do you love him?"

"No, not right now."

"You could though?"

"I don't know JD," Vin sighed. "Before this I would've said I could, but it's harder now. I ain't lying when I say I forgive Buck, but that don't mean I'm a hundred percent comfortable around him yet. Then there's the way he feels too, I know he hasn't forgiven himself yet, I don't know if he ever can. I been thinking about it though JD, if we don't at least try then Spencer wins and I sure don't want to let that happen."

"You'd actually give him a chance?"

"Maybe, I don't know. I just ain't willing to write it off completely, not yet." Vin shook his head, wondering how they'd gotten so far off track. "That isn't why I brung ya out here JD. I hate to see you letting this destroy your friendship with Buck. It's hurting him JD."

"He never even came back to the apartment, never tried to make things right with me," JD protested, unwilling to take all of the blame. "He had Chris come and pack his stuff, then he bought that ranch..."

"Goddamn it JD! Of course he didn't come back to the apartment, between the memories and the way you're acting why would he? He figured you didn't want anything to do with him, doubt he even blames you for it, and he sure didn't want to be in that apartment. So he left it to you and got himself a place of his own."

JD flinched, he hadn't thought of any of that. All he'd seen was that Buck wasn't coming to him to talk, he was turning to Chris, not him. Already angry at him for what he'd done to Vin, feeling as though he'd betrayed all of them, Buck turning to Chris had been the last straw. "I've been a selfish brat haven't I?"

"Just so's ya'd notice."

"I'm sorry Vin."

"I ain't the one you should be saying sorry to JD."

"Yes you are," JD argued. "You're not the only one though," he sighed. "Where do I start?"

"Why don't ya start with taking him out for a drink after work and a long overdue talk," Vin suggested.

"That's a good idea," JD agreed. Glancing at his watch, he was surprised to see they were already half an hour late. He had been so busy talking to Vin he hadn't noticed the time or when the others had returned to the building. "Vin we're late, we better get back."

"It's alright JD, I cleared it with Chris," Vin soothed him as he started the jeep. A couple of minutes later they were parked in the garage and headed for the elevator.

"Vin? Are you really willing to give Buck a chance?"

"I'm willing to be his friend and I ain't completely ruling out anything else. I don't want to see Philip Spencer win but to be honest I don't know if either of us can get past the damage he caused." Without another word, he stepped into the elevator.

Chapter 10

"Buck," JD nervously approached the older agent as the workday came to a close.

Buck glanced up from his paperwork in surprise, "Yeah JD?"

"Um, well, I was just wondering, I know we ain't done nothing in a while, and that's my fault," he rushed to say.

Buck sighed, "JD, whatever it is, just spit it out."

Nodding, JD took a breath, "Could we go grab a beer?"

"You mean it?" Buck barely dared to breathe as he waited for JD to answer.

"Yeah, so how about it?"

"What are we still doing here?" Buck asked. Quickly shutting down his computer, he stood up and grabbed his jacket. "Come on JD, let's go get a beer," he grinned, grabbing JD's arm and pulling him out the door.

JD stumbled as he tried to keep up with Buck, "I can walk Buck," he protested.

"Oh, yeah, sorry," Buck mumbled, letting go of JD like he'd been burned. Damn, what was wrong with him? He was a grown man for pete's sake and here he was acting like a little kid just invited to hang out with the cool kids.

JD felt awful when he saw Buck's reaction. Looked like Vin was right about how much his behavior had hurt Buck. He'd never expected to see his big brother so grateful for his attention and it left him feeling like something that should be scraped off the bottom of your shoe. "Buck, could we just get a six pack and go to the apartment?"

Buck paled, "Um, would you mind coming out to my place instead?" Buck had never thought he was a coward, but he wasn't ready to face being in that apartment.

JD didn't think it was possible to feel any worse, but the sight of Buck's face draining of color proved him wrong. "I'm sorry Buck, I wasn't thinking. Your place would be fine," he added.

Buck blushed, embarrassed that JD realized that he was scared. What the hell did it matter anyway? The kid already didn't think much of him, guess one more thing wouldn't make any difference. Without a word he headed for his truck, he stopped when he realized JD wasn't behind him. Hanging his head, he waited for JD to tell him he'd changed his mind about the beer.

"You pick up the beer, I'll grab a pizza and meet you there, okay?"

"Sure," Buck grinned, again feeling like that kid on the playground. "You know where my place is?"

"Yeah, I know. See ya in a little while," with a wave of his hand, JD walked to his own car and slid behind the wheel.

Chris stepped out of his office just in time to see Buck and JD walking out the door. "Guess you and JD had a good talk?" he asked, leaning against Vin's desk.

"Looks that way," Vin replied.

"You got doubts?"

Vin shrugged, "Not really."

Chris raised an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side.

"Aw hell Chris, you know JD ain't exactly tactful."

"You're worried he'll say something to hurt Buck?"

Vin sighed, "Guess I am. It ain't right that their friendship is suffering over this, I don't want to see them hurting anymore."

"No, it ain't right, but it's not real surprising. JD has looked up to all of us, but Buck is special to him, the big brother he never had and a hero all wrapped up together. Now he's found out that his hero is only human and he don't know how to handle it."

"Yeah, I just hope I didn't push him into something he ain't ready for."

"You didn't," Chris assured him.

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know you cowboy," he replied. "You've got an ability to read people like nothing I've ever seen and I don't think it'd let you down now. JD needed a push, but you wouldn't have pushed if he wasn't ready. Don't worry Vin, they'll work it out."

"If they don't?"

"Then we'll figure something else out. Come on cowboy, let's go get a drink," he offered his hand, pulling Vin to his feet. The rest of the team had left while they were talking, leaving just the two of them in the office. Quickly they shut everything down and grabbed their coats. They were almost to the door when Mary Travis stepped into the office. "Mary," he greeted.

"Chris I need to talk to you," she quietly informed him.

"No time," he refused, steering Vin towards the door.

"What do you mean no time?" Mary demanded. "I need to talk to you Chris," she repeated. She watched in consternation as the two men ignored her and continued towards the door. "It's the end of the day, surely you can spare a few minutes," she tried again, following them to the elevator. "Well where are you going?" she asked when they didn't say anything.

The two men glanced at each other, then back at Mary, "Saloon," they answered together. Just then the elevator doors opened, allowing them to step inside and make their escape. Grinning at Mary, Chris nodded goodbye as he pushed the button and the doors slid shut.

Vin grinned, "What was that all about cowboy?"

"What?" Chris innocently asked.

"You sure seemed eager to get away from Mary..."

Chris shrugged, "Didn't feel like talking."

"Uh-huh, what function she wanting you to take her to this time?"

"I don't know and don't want to know," Chris mumbled.

"Thought you liked Mary."

"I do, but only as a friend. She understood that at first, but lately she's been pushing for more."

"You don't want more?"

"Not with, um, no I don't."

It was Vin's turn to raise an eyebrow, "There somebody you want more with?"

"I don't know, just know Mary isn't it," Chris replied as the elevator opened.

Buck arrived at his house, relieved that he had beat JD there, it would give him a chance to get himself under control. Hurrying inside, he slid the six pack of beer into the fridge and grabbed a stack of paper plates, setting them on the table. Absently, he began to straighten the house, as though that would matter to JD, but he needed the activity. Glancing at the clock, he was surprised to see thirty minutes had passed since he'd arrived home. Buck was sure his young friend would be there any minute, twenty minutes later, he wasn't so sure. Pacing the length of the living room, he kept looking outside, ten anxious minutes later and he was convinced that JD had changed his mind. Stalking to the fridge, he pulled the six pack from the fridge, removing one of the beers he opened it, downing it in three gulps. Tossing it into the trash, it was soon followed by a second bottle. The sound of a vehicle pulling up outside had him putting the third bottle back in the carton and walking outside.

"Sorry it took me so long Buck, the pizza place was a madhouse," JD explained as he carried the pizza towards the house.

"Could've called," Buck sullenly pointed out.

"Payphone was broke and my cell has a dead battery."

"Oh, well come on inside with that pie, I'm about to starve."

"You look it," JD teased as he walked through the door Buck held open for him. "Start without me?"

"Got thirsty," Buck defended.

Hearing the defensive tone in Buck's voice, JD suspected there was more to it than that. "Did you think I wasn't coming?" he quietly asked.

"No," Buck quickly denied, "yeah," admitting the truth in the next breath.

"Guess I would've thought the same in your shoes," JD conceded. "Got us a supreme, you want to hand me a couple of them plates?"

"You didn't get any anchovies did you?" Buck asked suspiciously, handing over the plates.

"Only on my half."

"Damn it JD, now the whole pizza is gonna taste like them things," Buck complained.

"How old are you Buck?"

"I ain't acting like a kid, it's true and you know it."

JD chuckled, "Don't worry Buck, your pizza won't be contaminated, I had them put the anchovies on the side."

"Think you're pretty funny don't ya kid?"

"Yep," JD agreed. Grabbing a beer, he headed for the living room with his plate. Settling in on the couch, he picked up the remote and turned the t.v. to a country music channel. "Nice place," he complimented as Buck joined him.

"Thanks," Buck replied as he settled into his recliner. For a while neither man spoke, each of them trying to find a way to move beyond the banter they were used to.

"I'm sorry Buck," JD finally spoke.

"Sorry?"

"Yeah, I had no right to treat you like I've been doing."

"JD," Buck sighed. "You had every right to feel the way ya do."

"No I didn't Buck..."

"Sure ya did, I hurt your friend, I don't blame you for being mad at me."

"That wasn't the reason though, not completely, and that's why I had no right to act like I did."

Buck stared at him for a moment, stunned by his words. "What was the reason then?"

"At first I told myself that it was because of what happened with Vin, and that was part of it. Wasn't all of it though, mostly it was...jealousy," he mumbled the last word, his face flushed with shame.

"Jealousy? Cause of how I feel about Vin?"

"Partly, and because you turned to Chris for support instead of me. I was mad cause you never even came back to the apartment, just had Chris come and pack your things. I thought we were better friends than that, damn it! I'm sorry Buck, that wasn't fair," he mumbled, his shame growing.

"I didn't think you wanted anything to do with me and well guess you'll think I'm a coward, but I couldn't face being in the apartment."

"You were right, that's why I said it wasn't fair for me to act like that. I was angry over what you did to Vin, and because of what you feel for him. I convinced myself that you weren't the kind of friend I wanted and at the same time I was missing my big brother so much I didn't know what to do. So when Chris came to get your things, I told myself that it was proof you weren't really a good friend. I've been a jackass Buck and I'm sorry," he quietly ended his confession.

"I won't argue that JD, but this situation ain't exactly something you can prepare for."

"I want to be friends again Buck."

"So do I JD," Buck smiled, settling back in his chair, truly relaxing for the first time all evening. "Are you managing the apartment alright?"

"Yeah, little strange to have all that room to myself though. I don't suppose you'd consider moving back in?" JD shyly asked.

Buck sighed heavily, "No JD, I'm sorry but I can't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to even visit the place again, but I'm sure I'll never be able to live there."

"That's what I figured, but I had to ask."

"Look at it this way kid, now you won't have to worry about being interrupted if you and Casey want some time alone," he grinned, waggling his eyebrows. "Of course, you'll still have to worry about Nettie tracking you down with her Spencer carbine if you don't treat that girl right," he teased. "Then there's what Vin will do to you."

JD swallowed hard, "Thanks Buck, I really didn't need the reminder."

"That's what big brothers are for, ain't it?"

"Is that what they're for? I thought they were so you'd have somebody to take the heat when the parents get mad."

"Did you do something to make dad mad?"

"Not this week."

"Week ain't over," Buck teased.

"So you gonna take the heat if I make him mad?"

"Depends."

"Depends? On what?"

"How mad you planning to make him?"

"I never plan to Buck, but you know how easy it is to make Chris mad."

Buck threw his head back, laughing harder than he had in the past month. "Can't argue that."

"Buck, are you gonna try to get together with Vin?" JD asked some time later.

Buck looked up, startled by the question. "I'd love to be with Vin, but it ain't gonna happen JD."

"You sure about that?"

"I'm sure, I'll consider myself damned lucky if Vin can bring himself to be my friend again."

"He's still your friend Buck," JD assured him.

"What makes ya say that?"

"He's the one that made me realize what an ass I've been."

"He's a good man," Buck smiled.

JD nodded, he wondered if he should tell Buck what Vin had said.

Buck watched him, noticing the way he kept fidgeting, "What's going on JD?"

"What makes ya think something's going on?"

"Oh not much, just the way you keep fidgeting like a virgin in a whorehouse."

JD blushed, "I ain't either."

"Fidgeting or a virgin?" Buck asked, his face perfectly straight.

JD's blush grew redder, as he continued to fidget.

"Alright JD, what's going on?"

"I don't want to cause any trouble," he hesitantly began. "When I talked to Vin, he said that he was willing to be your friend and that he wasn't ruling anything else out."

"He did? Are you sure that's what he said JD? You didn't misunderstand did ya?"

JD giggled, amused by the transformation in Buck as he suddenly turned into a nervous schoolboy. "That's what he said, want me to pass him a note tomorrow during study hall?" he teased.

"That bad?" Buck blushed.

"Yep," JD confirmed.

"You talked to him JD, do you think he really would give me a chance?" He didn't care how much it made him sound like a kid with his first crush, he had to know.

"Maybe, but you're gonna have to give him time Buck. Move slow," he advised, giggling again.

"What?"

"Nothing, I was just thinking it's funny, me giving you advice about your love life."

"Guess it is funny, but it ain't never meant as much before."

JD was surprised, even though Buck had said he loved Vin, he hadn't realized just how serious he was. In all the time he'd know the older man, he'd never seen him looking so vulnerable as he did right now. His eyes were filled with an equal measure of hope and fear as he considered JD's words. "You really do love him, don't you?"

"I told ya I did," Buck softly replied.

"I know, but I didn't really understand what ya meant until just now."

"JD?"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for telling me," he quietly spoke, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "I know it may never happen, but you've given me hope."

JD had to look away, embarrassed, "You're welcome Buck," he whispered.

Later that night, long after JD had left, Buck lay in his bed, his friend's words running through his head. In spite of telling himself that there was no chance, his heart was refusing to listen. Given a bit of hope, it seemed his heart had developed a mind of its own, taking over and filling his mind with pictures of him with Vin, together and happy.

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