Second story in the Colliding Feelings series.
WHAM!Vin winced when the door of Larabee's cabin slammed shut behind his friend.
Fuck, Larabee was thinking again! He couldn't let that continue, or he might end up with a gun in his face. He would definitely end up without Chris in his life as a lover and now that he'd had the man in his arms he was not going to settle for anything less. Not anymore. Not when there was a remote chance Chris could be returning some of his feelings.
After the glow of satisfaction you get from great sex had left, Larabee had looked decidedly uneasy about finding himself bare ass naked in the arms of another man - and right out there in the open to booth. Vin didn't think it was something Larabee had ever contemplated doing and it had driven the elder man off in a sudden flash. Vin on the other hand had been contemplating almost nothing else in the last year, Chris naked with him out in the open or anywhere else, and he wasn't going to settle for doing without any longer.
Not now he'd found out how wonderful the real thing was. So much more wonderful than any dream had ever been.
Who would've thought Chris would be such a sensitive, such a sensual creature? He'd wondered about it, watching the graceful way the man moved, the way he stood, the way he held his glass, cleaned his gun, slowly carved magnificent little statues out of wood or cared for his horse with those soft strokes and softly murmured words. But that he would react so strongly to his touch still blew Vin away just thinking about it.
When he'd seen the grief in the stiff back and posture of his best friend and secret love, he'd only wanted to comfort Chris. He'd put his hands on those taut shoulders and had gently started to massage them, wanting to help his friend relax.
Chris had relaxed, and it had seemed like the natural thing to do to put his hands under the man's shirt and massage his back as well. That had turned out to be his undoing. To feel Chris' naked body had proven to be too great a temptation and his hands had started wandering, exploring, caressing the muscled chest and flat abdomen, touching the small nipples.
He'd expected to be decked and still he had been unable to stop himself, his breathing growing harsher and harsher. But Chris hadn't punched him, he'd leaned backwards with a soft moan, his hips trust forward sensually, almost inviting Vin's hand to slip into the tight black pants and feel the growing erection there. Vin had been unable to resist and the moment his hand had touched that prize, he had been lost, totally lost. He had started to explore the wonderful body in front of him with more than his hands, with his mouth as well, his lips, his teeth.
Chris had tasted sweeter than the candy in Mrs. Potter's store and now Vin wanted to taste him again. He wanted that thick cock back in his hand, he wanted to put his finger into that tight, hot ass again.
God, Chris had an amazingly tight ass!
Oh, damn, he was getting an erection just thinking about what had happened only a few minutes ago! No, no erection, not now. He didn't think Chris could handle seeing him aroused at the moment. Besides, it hurt to have an erection with his buckskin pants still soggy from his orgasm.
He hadn't been touched anywhere, he'd done all the touching himself and it still was one of the most amazing orgasms he'd ever had!
He definitely wanted more.
That meant getting into action right now! He had to keep Chris on edge so he couldn't think things through.
Vin hurried towards the water pump on Larabee's property and filled one of the wooden buckets to the brim. Throwing his saddlebags over his shoulder he hauled the bucket off to the cabin, soaking his pants legs when his hurry made the water slosh over the bucket rim time and again. Without knocking or announcing himself, he stepped inside the small one room interior of the building Chris had built so painstakingly and had repaired with such difficulty after the Nichols brothers had riddled it with bullet holes.
At least the roof hadn't been shot through, Vin thought, sneaking a gaze at one of the many holes still around.
Chris looked up from where he was cleaning himself with an old towel, holding it protectively before his groin as soon as Vin stepped inside. He looked uneasy to say the least and Vin noticed his gun was right by his side.
Yep, the man definitely hadn't liked coming to his senses half naked out there in the open, held by another man.
"Works better with some of this, Lar'bee," he grinned impudently at the uncomfortable man, placing the bucket with a bang on the table. "Would even be better when warmed first, but I'm like you, feelin' too sticky ta wait."
While talking he'd taken off his mare leg with holster and carefully placed them on the table beside the bucket. He started peeling off his clothes.
"What ya doin'?"
"What it look like? Skinnin' a rabbit?" Vin's sarcastic answer was muffled inside the two shirts he was pulling over his head in one move. Good thing he was inside those shirts, he thought, or Chris would have seen him wince at the slight fear in his friend's voice. Damn, the last thing he wanted was for Chris to fear him. He'd rather chop off his right arm than hurt the man. That's how it had been and that's how it still was after the incredible moments they had shared. Didn't Larabee know that?
It hurt to think Chris seemed to expect something else now, seemed to have lost his trust in him.
Or perhaps he thought Vin wanted to have some more fun and considered that the danger.
Why couldn't the guy for once lighten up and go with the flow? Vin started to feel grumpy, while finally freeing his head from the two shirts. He cursed when some of his long hair got stuck in the double row of buttons.
Never pull out two shirts at the same time without unbuttoning them first, he knew that, he knew that!
His muttered curses seemed to relax Chris enough to have him dip his rag in the bucket and start cleaning himself up a bit better. Vin suddenly couldn't breathe, he wanted to take over that cleaning so much it hurt. He wanted to lick off all that salty wonder splattered over Chris' abdomen, cock and balls and get to know the taste of that part of Chris as well.
Chris turned around, uncomfortable and self-conscious again and Vin could kick himself. Pretending nothing had happened he managed to ignore the naked ass he'd put his finger in with such relish and concentrated on getting out of his pants without getting a hard on. That would surely be the end of it all.
"What ya doin'?" Chris asked again, suddenly even more weary.
"I did come in my pants, Chris. Maybe you've never done that, 'cause if ya had, you'd know what a mess it makes. Damn, remind me not to do it again! Much better to shoot it out in the open. Shit, it's sticky!" Pants and long johns landed in a heap on the floor. Vin turned around casually, showing himself to Chris. It was only fair after all, Chris had shown himself to Vin and in what a spectacular way!
Chris' eyes suddenly rested on all of his naked glory and Vin was gratified to see them widen a little. Then Chris was looking away and became very busy with putting his pants back on.
"Hey, you got somethin' fer me too ta clean myself with?" He asked after stepping up even closer and at exactly the moment Chris was balancing on one leg, trying to get his foot in his pants. Chris swayed precariously and cursed.
Yep, that was the ticket, keeping the man off balance.
"Right next to the stove," the man in question groused, restoring his balance and getting dressed in a hurry. Vin took his time ambling over to the stove, leaned forward more than he needed to so Chris could get a good look at his naked ass and selected one of the rags in the box standing there. When he turned around and moseyed back to the table and the bucket full of water, Chris bolted through the door. Again. Only now the other way.
Vin was getting real tired of all that bolting. It made him feel like he was hunting an elusive deer that was making him run through miles of wilderness.
Oh shit, thinking about running, wouldn't that just be the thing Chris would do? The man never ran from any danger, nope, jumped right in if he got half the chance, but things like this, feelings, emotions.... Hell yeah, he probably would try to get out fast.
Vin wasn't going to let him though. He rinsed himself in a hurry and hastily put on his clean pair of pants and his boots. Soon he was done and out of the door himself, his holster, shirts and jacket held in his hands, not wanting to take the time to put them on.
Chris was still there, standing at the corral fence, stroking Pony's head and probably murmuring to the horse in his soft voice. Vin had lost count of how many times he'd wanted to be that horse. It had gone to the point he even resented Pony a little because of Chris' obvious love and affection for him.
Throwing his things over the porch railing Vin walked over to his friend. Chris looked up, his eyes unreadable when he looked at the tracker coming towards him, naked torso glittering with water drops.
Deliberately glittering.
In all his hurry, Vin still had made sure he would look his best. He would throw everything he had in the battle to keep Chris right here, with him. And although he wasn't normally someone to show himself off, preferred not to if truth be told, he would use even his looks to keep Chris with him.
Was Chris licking his lips there? Good, Vin thought, maybe he was succeeding in leaving an impression, a different impression than that of the brotherly friend. Chris had to see more in him after the amazing sex he'd given the man and he was planning to expand on that. He was planning to have Chris go as crazy for his body as he went for the blond's.
Brotherly just didn't cut it anymore.
When he had reached the corral fence he leaned on it as well, close to Chris but not as close as usual. Chris was too tense for that. Finally Chris cleared his throat. Vin turned his head, apprehension firm in hand. He even managed a small smile.
"Vin, I..., 'bout what happened...."
Vin called up a grin, determined to keep it all casual so Chris could ease into things slowly. "Yeah, was fun, wasn't it?"
And then Chris looked at him, really looked him in the eye for the first time after what they had done and Vin's attempt at keeping it light crumbled immediately when he saw the utter loss in the mesmerizing green eyes.
Oh God, Chris was taking this real hard!
Without thinking, reacting from his heart like he'd done when he'd seen Chris standing so grief stricken before his porch, he brought up one hand and laid it lightly against Chris' cheek.
"God Chris, it was more than fun," he whispered. "To me, it was... it was everythin' I've ever wanted since seeing ya for the first time, everythin'!" Leaning forward he kissed Chris, forgetting about casual, about trying to pretend it was all no big deal. In that kiss he put his real feelings, his deep love for this enigma of a man. His lips brushed softly over Chris', his tongue darted out to wet them without trying to probe inside and slowly his mouth traveled to one side of the lush mouth in front of him, ending with a soft, chaste kiss on the corner.
"I understand this is new to ya, Chris, so ya take the time to think 'bout it all," he whispered in the blond's ear before stepping away from the beautiful body in front of him.
"Jist know, all I wanna do is make ya happy, I'll never do anythin' ya don't want me to, ya know that, don't ya? Right now I'm gonna fix that half broken down corral fence you got propped up with them branches and you jist take yer time, alright?"
He leaned over for another soft, loving kiss, couldn't resist whispering, "God, yer so beautiful!" and then he hastily left for the barn, to get some tools and get out of the way for a while. He needed to make Chris feel it was safe enough to stay. He didn't put his shirts back on though, some showing off still couldn't hurt. Chris needed to see men could have appeal as well.
He was going to get all slippery with sweat and he was going to make sure Chris took it all in.
+ + + + + + +
What does it mean? What does it all mean?
Chris was shocked. He didn't shock easily, but now he was in shock. In a daze and completely at a loss.
He'd never been attracted to men before, not in the slightest. He loved beautiful women and he'd loved Sarah Connolly with all his heart. He still did. Nothing could replace what they'd had together, he'd known that truth ever since he'd lost her.
No, ever since he'd married her. He'd known from the start that what was between them was special, very, very special and that he'd been very lucky in finding it. They both were. Not many people found a love like theirs.
But Vin's hands all over his body, being held in Vin's arms, it had felt as it had felt with Sarah.
How could that be? How could he feel like he'd had with his precious wife, with the love of his life, in the arms of another man?
He didn't understand it, he didn't understand himself anymore. What had happened had shaken him to the core of his being, to the core of his beliefs and the way he viewed the world.
He'd always felt a connection with Vin, right from the very first start when they'd met. An easiness he'd had with Sarah as well. Sarah had been more than a lover, she'd been his soulmate, his best friend, closer to him even than Buck had ever been. That part of his feelings for her he'd found back with Vin.
He'd never expected that feeling Vin's hands on his body would jolt the same response in him as Sarah's hands had. As if, as if....
No, Vin was a man! What was between them was friendship, not... not love. It couldn't be love.
He looked at the half naked figure coming back from the barn, hammer in one hand, the nail box in his other. Even from here he could see the muscles ripple through the thin, corded torso of his friend and he couldn't help admiring how perfect Vin's body was.
He couldn't believe he just thought that! It wasn't how men thought about other men.
Vin did. Vin had called him beautiful. That was preposterous, how could a man find him.... Damn, he knew some men did! He knew it existed, he'd found that out the hard way, hadn't he?
He saw the grace with which Vin moved. How the long hair swirled around those fine chiseled features. Was he finding Vin beautiful as well? God, those expressive blue eyes looking at him with concern and -
And love. He couldn't deny that was what he saw in them, he'd seen the same in Sarah's eyes.
Sarah!
He crumbled and the next moment he felt himself being held with tender care.
"Chris?"
He looked up at his friend, at the concern in those eyes, concern for him.
Stupid, stupid!
"Chris? You alright? Hell, you scared me there fer a minute, Cowboy! Come on, talk to me, please!"
He couldn't bear the concern and love in those eyes and hastily he looked away.
"Damn Chris, if I'd known this would shake y' up so bad I'd, I'd.... Shit, I really only wanted ta help ya relax, I swear Cowboy! The rest, it sort of felt, ya know, natural."
Chris looked back at his friend and shook his head.
"You can't love me," he told him softly. Vin couldn't love him. After all, he destroyed everything he touched. What's more, he wasn't the man he'd been, he was only a shell. Everything he'd been had been burned away on that morning he'd found his home in ashes with his wife and son inside.
"Yeah, I can! And yeah, yer worth it," Vin answered harshly what Chris had said and what he hadn't said, anger in his voice. "Don't give me that crap! I admit, the first time I saw ya, when I was sure I was gonna die trying ta safe Nate, it was yer beauty that got to me. Damn, but it was like a vision of an angel. Fer a moment I thought that was what ya were, an angel of death come to claim me and I remember thinking, Hell, if he's the one come to take me to the afterlife I'm more 'n willing ta follow. To see such beauty...."
"Stop that!" Chris rasped. He didn't want to hear this, he hated hearing this.
"No, I won't! Thank God we survived and saved Nate, 'cause that gave me the chance to build a friendship with him, with someone amazing. But 'specially 'cause that gave me the change ta get ta know you, Chris, the man inside that beautiful body. You're the best man I've ever met, that's fer sure and damn if I didn't start lovin' ya even at the Seminole village, seeing yer determination, yer courage. The way you don't care if people are different, you still wanted ta help them save their homes, their families. Hell, y' even got Ezra sticking around and doin' the right thing, well, Ezra style off course. Never knew I had it in me to really love someone, but you opened me up to that side of me and fer that I'll always be thankful."
"Vin...." A kiss stopped him, a deeper kiss than the ones before, with a tongue demanding entrance.
Chris tried to resist, but he couldn't, he just couldn't. Again this felt so right, it felt so much like what he'd had with Sarah." With an enormous difficulty he managed to pull away and turn his head.
"Sarah," he whispered. Sarah, help me!
"I ain't Sarah," Vin said softly. "Not even close, I know, but I do love ya, Chris, always have. Ya can do with that what ya want."
"You... you feel like her somehow. I don't understand."
"I do? When we kiss? When we," suddenly Vin's hands were on him, caressing him, "when we touch?" the husky voice asked. Chris shivered and tried to pull away again. Vin wouldn't let him, following his retreat until Chris couldn't move further back, the corral fence stopping him.
"I understand," Vin whispered. "I understand 'xactly why this make ya feel like when ya were with Sarah. 'Cause it's the same thing, its love, true love. To me it means you love me too." The next kiss was soft and caressing once again. And short, leaving Vins face close to his own, the mesmerizing blue eyes gazing in his.
"I don't care if ya need time Chris. God knows I want ya right here, right now after a year of pinin' fer this, but I can wait. Knowing that its there, the love is there, I can wait."
The eyes boring into his were full of confidence and suddenly Chris felt scared. He remembered meeting Sarah, remembered that she had been the one scared and he the one kissing her softly, taking care of her and telling her he could wait until she would see they were made for each other.
"NO!"
He pushed Vin off and bolted for the barn, to get his horse's tack. He needed to get out of here, he needed, God, he needed to get drunk. Fast. He cursed when the bridle fell off the saddle and hastily he dove down to get it. When he stood back up, Vin was there, standing in the barn door. Chris tried not to look at the perfect body Vin was displaying, standing with the light behind him, the sun highlighting his soft brown curls.
He was NOT attracted to men!
Soon Vin was there as well, stowing the tools and helping him get his stuff together. A silent presence, full of understanding and compassion - and something else, something seething and hot. When he finally let his eyes meet Vin's again, he saw a deep passion in the blue depths.
"I ain't easy ta kill, Cowboy," Vin said softly, once more answering what wasn't said. "And I ain't letting ya throw away something this good. I've never had it, but you have. So you know it's a sin ta throw it away when it's around, don't ya?"
"I should've thrown it away when I met Sarah! She'd still be alive if I had!"
"Ya don't know that! Maybe she'd died sooner, meeting a bloke that was no good. Maybe she'd still live with her father, all miserable and getting more sour by the day."
"That's bull!"
"It ain't and ya know it. Hearing you 'bout her, hearing Buck 'bout you two, it sounds to me ya were destined ta be together. And Chris," Vin's eyes suddenly darkened. "I know ya grieve for yer son, but would ya rather he'd never had existed? 'Cause that's what yer wishing for if yer whishing ya had never married Sarah!"
It was like a sucker punch and Chris gasped. Arms were around him immediately and Vin was murmuring in his ear.
"Sssh, it's alright, it's alright Chris. Ya should've never lost them, it ain't fair ya did and it should've never happened. But y' ain't alone anymore, not anymore y' ain't." The arms surrounding him made him remember how safe he'd felt in them after the amazing love making Vin had given him. He started to shiver when his body reacted to that memory and to the soft voice telling him he wasn't alone anymore.
God, he needed this, he needed is so much after four years of nothing. The depth of his need scared him to the core. He grabbed at the arms around him, wanting to break free, but lacking the strength and then he was down, in the hay he'd stacked for the coming winter, still in those loving arms.
Vin was kissing him, his mouth, his eyes, his whole face. Then the hot mouth sucked at his earlobe and he trembled in reaction. He'd always reacted strongly to that and Sarah had used it mercilessly. Trying to turn away he left his neck exposed and immediately Vin latched on, sending goosebumps down his spine.
Somehow his shirt had come undone and Vin's hands were caressing him, playing with his nipples.
It didn't leave him all mindlessly helpless like it had the first time those hands roamed his body. That had been a starving body, this was a body still feeling satisfied after an incredible orgasm.
Immediately his traitorous cock rose in anticipation just remembering what they'd done earlier that afternoon and he knew he'd better be quick if he wanted to be able to escape. He really needed to escape!
He needed to think, right now he needed to think more than anything else. Because sure as hell this didn't feel casual. It hadn't this afternoon and it didn't now.
His cock twitched again and suddenly Vin's hand was at his crotch, stroking him through the denim of his pants. It made him moan and open his legs in a reflex, despite the fact he wanted to resist this.
He felt Vin rub his own crotch against him, felt the bulb there and suddenly he remembered what Vin had done to make this afternoon the greatest sexual experience he'd ever had. He remembered the finger in his ass, stroking him and touching something inside, sending shivers of lust through his body.
Reminding him there was more to male sex than jerking each other off.
He let out a strangled cry and pushed Vin off with all his might.
Vin protested when he was heaved to the side, his hands, those amazing hands, coming for him again.
"No," he managed to choke out. "No, don't!"
The hands stopped and Vin's earnest blue eyes looked at him, searching his own eyes for what was inside him, making him feel uncomfortably vulnerable.
"You sure, Cowboy? All I wanna do is make ya feel good. Its 'bout time ya felt good again, ya deserve it, damn it! So why won't ya let me? I swear that's all I'll do and ya know I do it good."
"Not... not now Vin. I need to think, I really need to think. I'm... I'm sorry."
"Don't be." The hand withdrew and there was regret in the blue eyes, but also, thank God, understanding. "You take yer time to think, but Chris, I ain't lettin' this go now it's out of the bag. 'Specially now that I know ya probably got the same feelings I do."
He wanted to ask the incredible man in front of him, 'do I?', but he couldn't. In the end he only nodded and got his tack. He needed to get to the safety of a hectic saloon and a bottle of cheap rye. Badly.
To the safety of the things he knew, the things that had helped him get on with life, such as it was, after he'd lost his family.
When he rode off, Tanner was standing on his porch, putting his shirts and jacket back on. Chris felt a pang of loss when the jacket effectively hid Vin's lean body and hastily he turned away, guiding Pony into a fierce gallop.
Yes, he definitely needed to get back to the order of his life as it had been the last year. Get some perspective on what had happened.
Continues in Confessions