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Vin was busying himself securing gear to the wagons, trying to lay low – trying to keep Ezra out of his line of vision, and staying out of the way of Larabee. He was running out of moves to sidestep around the questions his friend had kept after him about ever since he and Ezra had ridden back into town. The days with the train had gone by as if in a daze, the Texan replaying again and again the night they had made love, and the disastrous morning following. Jus´ don´t understand what happened – one thing I know we´re having sex so good and hot I´m thinking I´m gonna burn up in place fer it, the next he´s actin´ like I´m a lowlife stranger. He grunted, tightening the knot holding a rope around the barrel with more force than was necessary. He was trying to decide what had made the opinion of the man change so quickly, what had happened after he´d fallen to sleep. Absently he raised a hand and pressed it above his heart, thinking about the hope he still had, the hope that lived thanks to the notes that had been left for him those long years before – hope that was finding it harder and harder to cling to life. Maybe it´s about time I finally see ta reading these, know if there´s something I´m missing, something I didn´t ask that sheriff and that he didn´t offer. There was no rationale as to why he´d never broken down and had the notes read to him, and learning to read simply hadn´t been an option until now – he barely survived as it was, much less adding schooling to that effort. He knew the truth was that he didn´t want to know if there were something else there, some sort of ‘out´ that would allow Ezra to escape from him. He shook his head.Again he questioned why Ezra was acting the way he had, why they hadn´t been able to come to some sort of resolution, even after all this time. If the heart that had been left for him was to be believed, then the other man had loved him, at least at one time. The tracker understood that two years was a long time, and much could happen during that which would change a man – but his heart was still firmly set on possessing the southerner from now until forever, and something that he prayed wasn´t just delusion told him that the same was still true for the gambler. He knew when they´d first been reunited he´d come on too strong – so he´d fallen back, thinking to approach with more caution, ease the other man along. He´d tried to tell the green-eyed man that he had gone to the meeting place, that he hadn´t failed; only bad timing had prevented their meeting. For whatever reason the southerner had been unwilling to listen. He´d tried his best to be patient, but that patience had finally been pushed too far when they´d returned from Lone Pine. He snorted. Yeah, and some good that did. He had woken up thinking that they would make slow and easy love, build again that intense rapport that had kept him hungry for two years after they´d been separated. Apparently he was wrong.
A thought perked in his mind, something he´d shoved aside until now, not wanting to believe it could be true. Maybe in those two years Ez decided he didn´t want me, decided what I am ain´t good enough. It was a fear he´d had right from the start, the apprehension over being just an illiterate bounty hunter nearly overwhelming him at times when he´d lain in their hotel bed, watching the man who´d stolen his heart sleep. Man´s smarter than any I´ve ever met – and more polished then any I´ve ever seen. He was then…maybe he´s even more now. Maybe Ezra didn´t want him enough, enough to make a relationship known to their friends. Maybe Vin was good enough as a place to put it if they were alone and far away, but nothing the other man could be proud to hold as his own around anyone else. The idea almost choked him, and he tried to shake it away. But instead of dissipating it grew, the reasons and evidence seeming to grow exponentially as the tracker thought more and more about it, reading a negative motive into every action he could think of that the gambler had done since they´d found one another again. To cover the raw, gnawing hurt he started to seethe, the anger welling up inside like a growing tremor. He looked up in time to see Chris striding determinedly towards him. Great…jus´ what I need…another interrogation from Chris…shit. Vin stalked around the other side of the wagon, trying to avoid Chris. It didn´t work. The blond followed easily, leaning against the wagon, looked at him steadily.
“You manage to fix this,” he waved a hand in the air, “whatever it is that´s between you and Ez?” The Texan grunted and answered sarcastically,
“Oh yeah, I put it in a real fix alright. No problem there.” He started away from the gunslinger again, only to have his elbow caught in a firm grip.
“Dammit, Vin – didn´t you talk to him? Isn´t that what you said you were gonna do, what needed doing?” The man in black pursed his lips and waited through the tense silence. The tracker did his best to avoid the seeking hazel gaze, but failed when those piercing orbs caught his again in a steady glare. “Vin.” He said sharply.
“No, I didn´t, alright? Didn´t quite work out ta that. Thought I didn´t need ta, then next thing I know things are worse than they were before.” The piercing gaze studied him intently, and Vin fought off a wave of discomfort caused by penetrating stare. Chris sighed and shook him a little.
“I don´t like this, Vin. Don´t like what you´re doing, the way you´re acting. You´re making a mistake.” The Texan pulled away and took a step back, shaking his head.
“Don´t matter none what you do or don´t like, Larabee. Ain´t fer ya ta say.” He heard himself hiss the words, felt the temper that he somehow couldn´t fight. Chris advanced a step, then said in a low voice,
“You´re acting the same fool I did when I thought Sarah didn´t want me, and I wanted her so bad I thought it´d kill me. I never even thought ta ask her the truth and just take us both outta the misery I was causing. I was lucky enough that she´d been taught ta have what it took ta get past that without my having ta change – you and I both know the same ain´t true for Ez.” The blond raised a brow, staring even harder, if that were possible. “You don´t let this ruin him, hear me? Especially not seeing as it´ll ruin you too.” Vin felt like everything grinded to a shuddering halt at his friend´s words. Panic spread through him like wildfire, and he had to clench his fists at his sides to keep from shaking. When he spoke he used anger to mask his fear, voice low, threatening.
“Just what the fuck do ya mean?” He had never been one to enjoy others knowing about his business, but certainly not that he was in love with another man. Society didn´t like different, and wanting a man in the way he did Ezra was well past what the average citizen would describe as ‘different.´ If put to the test Vin would easily fight any and all without compunction those who would dare threaten his spirit, convention be damned, but there was still fear in his heart that Ezra would come to harm if their relationship was discovered. He snorted derisively. Hunh…what relationship? Me not bein´ able ta keep my eyes offa him and us ignoring each other in town is hardly bein´ friends, much less something more we need ta be careful about. He carefully overlooked their one night of passion, not ready to examine it further yet. But something about Chris comparing this to Sarah made him question himself, his mind working furiously as it replayed moment after moment he´d shared in the gambler´s company. Know I didn´t do anything. I´ve been making extra sure I don´t, ‘specially with how distant Ez has been, when I thought ta go slow and easy with him until he came ‘round. When his friend didn´t answer he leaned closer and hissed his question again. The blond glared back and bit out,
“All I´m saying is I´ve been where ya are before, know what it can do to ya. It ain´t necessary, Vin – ya said yourself ya needed to talk with Ez, that there were things unresolved between ya. Now you go and tell me you´ve done nothing about it.” A strong finger poked into his shoulder. “Avoiding it ain´t gonna make it better, and sure won´t make it go away.” The Texan reached up and knocked the finger away. He bared his teeth a little and growled,
“Didn´t really answer my question Cowboy.” He stared hard for a second then demanded, “Whacha mean by this ‘it?´” Chris threw back his head and sighed heavily, then hazel eyes were back in a steady gaze.
“Christ Vin – what do you think I mean?” The sharpshooter stood in belligerent silence, his only response to raise his chin a notch. The man in black stepped close and whispered harshly, “Ain´t like this is something I´ve shared with the others, and ain´t like it´s my place to do that anyway.” He tilted his head, voice softening a little. “I understand this ain´t something any man would want anyone else ta know, know this isn´t something that´s good ta have found out. Besides all that outside crap, I know how private you are – can only imagine how Ez would react.” He paused when the younger man stiffened, fire blazing in those blue eyes. The Texan gritted out,
“So yer thinkin´ like he is, hunh?” Chris nodded his head a little, misunderstanding the question. Vin was certain the older man was intimating that he wasn´t good enough for Ezra, and that it´d be an embarrassment for the refined gambler if anyone knew he had at least once carried a yen for a scruffy nobody. The gunslinger continued.
“If he does think that, I wouldn´t argue – this ain´t something that´s safe for the world ta know.” He turned the finger to point at his own chest. “But I don´t care, Vin. I just don´t want this ta break you both – and as it stands now, that´s where you´re headed, and fast.” The sharpshooter reached out and actually pushed at his friend, causing the taller man to stumble backwards slightly, surprised but unharmed.
“Iffen ya know how private I am, and ya understand that I ain´t happy that ya know – or anyone else fer that matter – then ya should know I´m ready fer this little talk ta be over.” Chris glared, a nerve in his clenched jaw ticking slightly. He took a long stride back towards the tracker.
“I ain´t trying ta cause trouble, Vin – I´m trying ta help you out of it. Dammit!” he yelled, voice tight and sharp. “You obviously need it!” The younger man felt if he stayed a moment longer then this escalating rage in him could only end things between them in disaster. He glared at his friend a final time then spat out,
“Go ta hell Larabee, and take yer goddamm good intentions with ya. From now on jus´ mind yer own fuckin´ business.” With that he spun on a heel, striding fast and hard away from his friend, mind in turmoil. Shit…shit! How´s he know? Does anyone else? Christ…iffen at least I had something with Ez this it´d be easier ta take – but I ain´t had nothing but him acting like I don´t exist…and now I´m having´ ta answer ta Chris fer it? He wondered if Chris was hiding something, if maybe the older man did mind the potential of a relationship between two of his men. He thought about if there was any danger for Ezra from his lapses in control as he´d fought against showing his feelings. Larabee probably wasn´t lying, but who knows about anyone else. Can´t predict what people will do against this sorta revelation. Just the thought of someone acting out against his love because of him stopped his heart cold, making him question if staying even if it was only to be close had been a mistake after all.
The turmoil inside brought him back to the gunslinger´s earlier words, and his anger found new life. Ain´t me ruinin´ anything anyway – jus´ that stubborn bastard no good gambler. Ain´t me that decided I didn´t want this – ain´t me pushing and pushing away. Even as he thought them he knew the words were false, but adamantly ignored his rational arguments. And goddamn Larabee for interferin´ too – what´s next – he gonna be snuggling ‘longside Ez, offering what comfort he can? Vin´s rushed strides faltered at the thought, as for an instant he pictured those two bodies twisted together in ecstasy, and saw red. Iffen he even thinks a touching Ez I´ll skin him alive. He bared his teeth in a wild sneer, moving now in a blind rage, without direction or purpose. The anger had taken such hold that he didn´t even see how crazy his thoughts had gotten, how skewed his perceptions.
When he rounded the far side of the last wagon he smacked headlong into Charlotte, and he looked up, not even thinking to apologize. She tilted her head, small smile about her lips and batted her lashes, asking if he would step away from the circle of wagons for a moment to speak with her. When she pleaded that he run away with her, it seemed to the tracker the best idea he´d heard all day. He was angry out of his mind at his best friend, his bruised feelings urging that anything to get away from not being able to have Ezra was an opportunity he´d be a fool to miss. He didn´t think about consequences, didn´t consider the scope of what his actions could lead to – only knew he wanted to run, and if taking Mrs Richmond let him run, then take her he would. A whisper of pettiness borne of the anger inside reminded that when the southerner heard what he´d done, then he´d finally realize what Vin was worth, finally see it to regret. He went quietly to retrieve his belongings, eyes downcast lest he catch sight of the red-coated gambler in the firelight, hastily returning to her waiting side before he lost his nerve to follow through.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra looked around the mostly empty saloon and sighed. He picked up the cards he´d just dealt and began to shuffle, hands moving over the familiar task almost unconsciously. Life had settled back down in Four Corners, each one of the peacekeepers assuming their duties as had been normal…before. Green eyes shut briefly. Emotions from the day when he´d woken to discover Vin had run away with Mrs Richmond came flooding back, as always at the thought of that now infamous demarcation they all carried with them. Before the wagon train. After the wagon train. Well, here they were – the sweet after.
The tracker had returned, and with him the beating of Ezra´s heart. The southerner had been convinced that finally something had come that could break him, something that would forever erode his legendary poker face: life without Vin, and knowing it came because someone else had interested the lean man more than he ever could. But the sharpshooter had come back, dragging that conniving hussy with him. It had turned out to be their salvation; for Ezra the depth of that truth unknown to anyone else. He wasn´t certain if he should be glad or not that the other man had ridden back into his life – in a way, it would have been easier to have simply walked on in the frozen numbness that had overtaken him when he´d learned Vin was gone, again. Now he was back in the dusty nowhere that had somehow become his home, not just in name but for his heart, and the man that was his soul was still here with him – and they were still miles apart. One thing the incident did achieve was it had made him finally come to accept that he wanted Vin, needed Vin – and too much time had been wasted not having each other.
The weeks had passed quietly, and few people had much interaction with the Texan who had somehow managed to redefine his idea of taciturn. He was seen doing odd jobs about town, was always taking extra patrols, and generally staying out of everyone´s way. If he wasn´t performing a specific task in town then he was gone, to an unknown place outside of Four Corners but never very far away. He´d said his piece to the other men he protected the town with, going to each of them in turn, a brief apology and bob of his head and then he was distant again. Though the other six were ready to forgive him the rash lapse he´d allowed himself, it seemed the tracker felt he was still far from that place himself. Ezra snapped the deck against the table, dealing out a hand so that the person opposite him would be assured a royal flush after they discarded. As he dealt he thought about the words he´d received from the blue-eyed man…
“Ez?” The gambler turned his head to see Vin standing quite close, somewhat surprised the man had managed to approach without his knowing. They had been in town now for three days, and this was the first time the tracker had even looked at him, much less came within speaking distance. The southerner was attending to Chaucer, having just returned from his late patrol. The lean man must have been waiting for him in the livery, for Ezra hadn´t seen any signs of life in the sleeping burg. Dawn was just starting to break, a bare glimmer of cold light washing over the world as if a gauzy curtain had been thrown over it all. He brushed his horse a few more strokes then stopped, gripping the currycomb tightly as he slowly turned to face his coveted tormenter.
“Yes Mr Tanner?” He watched as Vin swallowed a few times, then the blue eyes looked down as feet shuffled restlessly. The southerner stood, perfectly still, patient as he allowed the other man to gather his thoughts. Finally sienna locks shifted and the tracker was looking back at him steadily.
“I´m sorry, Ez.”
He hadn´t said anymore than that simple phrase, hadn´t added any flourishes or dandy words the way the gambler would have. He didn´t even explain what he was sorry for – but that didn´t matter. None of it did. They both knew what he was apologizing for, and it was so much more than abandoning his duties to the town and his teammates. Ezra gathered the cards a hand at a time, satisfied grunt passing his lips when he´d dealt exactly as planned. He let the fingers of one hand cut the deck a few times, each thick rectangle flipping easily over his index finger and back into place, then he shuffled again. Eights over aces. The cards flew onto the table as he flicked them away from the small pile held in one hand.
His reply for Vin had been brief, a simple ‘thank you,´ then the tracker disappeared back into the shadows again. There was more the gambler would have been willing to say, more he´d have forgiven the man, but he wasn´t allowed it. He´d been thankful there was enough light in the livery to see into those beloved blue eyes, to read all the things the Texan was letting him see there – it gave him hope that a reconciliation could be forged between them. And maybe even something more. He´d seen more than regret, had seen it wasn´t Mrs Richmond he was running with – rather, it was Ezra he´d been running from. As mixed up as it all was the idea heartened the gambler considerably. From there time had gone on, ignorant and uncaring as usual about those it drug along with it in its ceaseless churning, day after day, week after week. But cruel as time could be as it carried hapless victims this way and that without they´re wanting, it also forced perspective with its constant motion and change. And perspective was something both he and Vin needed, and Ezra felt it was something they were both starting to achieve.
The town had found balance again, the furor over the wagon train coming and going having passed just as the settlers had. Even his fine compatriots were back to normal; it was clear they were no longer adamantly ignoring Vin´s having spirited away with a married woman, but that they were truly past it, ready for them all to move forward together. And signs that reparations to the intimate damage that was their tangled souls could be seen if searched for, and the gambler seized and held those promising treasures close to his heart. Only yesterday the tracker had touched the brim of his hat as he´d ridden off, the predawn light gracing his features in a pale glow that made him look otherworldly, beautiful. The gambler had been entering town arriving back from his own patrol, and he´d been breathless after the gesture, his heart beating rapidly at the acknowledgement. As it was he´d barely had time to return the salutation.
A voice broke into the gambler´s musings, and Ezra had to stifle a laugh when he looked up to regard the speaker. The other man was but an older, slightly more generous of girth version of himself. He felt a spark in his veins, the promise of a worthy combatant bringing interest that he´d not carried of late. When the man introduced himself Ezra´s self-control grew ever more determined as he didn´t allow his wry amusement to show – the man´s southern accent was almost as good as his own. Of course, mine is authentic...but no matter. He gestured easily to the chair opposite him.
“If you will, Mr Banks. I´d be happy to engage you in a game of chance.”
+ + + + + + +
Vin shuffled back and forth outside the saloon, heart pounding in his ears. Shit. Jus´ go in there, Tanner. Jus´ ask him. Worse he can do is say no… He´d been struggling for ways to find some common ground between them again, some place to start again. When they´d first gotten back to town he just wanted to bury himself in a deep hole and not come out for a few years. See if the dust settled first – and iffen it hadn´t, get back inta that hole fer a couple more years. But he also was determined not to let any of them down again, so he´d maintained his duties, gone about his days with singular purpose. As crazy as it seemed Vin was starting to believe running away was one of the best things that could have happened. It made him realize how much he needed Ezra, even if that need was never fully met in the way he desired. It also gave them instant space and time, a reason for Vin to skirt the others for weeks as he tried to figure things out again, letting them figure out their worries as well. His sole focus wasn´t just the southerner and what to do about him, and that was a very good thing – it hadn´t done him any good with fixing things living like that anyway.
The past weeks had brought an ease to the tension that had always existed, and he was glad for it. Little places of normalcy were now occurring with growing frequency, and not just when others were around to cause them to be. It was in the way the gambler no longer retreated if they happened into the livery at the same time; the nod and small smile he received when he was on his way out of town as the southerner was returning; his being able to walk up to the table the green-eyed man was occupying and settling into a chair, the two of them sharing a silent drink. They´d even managed a conversation of sorts. Whatever it was, it was progress. When he wanted to write the poem, his thoughts had instantly turned to the gambler – Ezra would know how to write it, and there was no doubt in the tracker´s mind he´d also be one of the few among them who could also appreciate the effort. The only problem was working up the nerve to ask. What if Ez don´t like the poem? What if he thinks even less a me when he finds out I can´t even read? Man knows more languages then places I´ve been…I don´t even hardly know one. He sighed and shook his head. No, this would be a way to take things to another level, a gesture of trust to present the gambler with. A possibly the beginnings of much more.
He still hadn´t told anyone that he couldn´t read, and he was pretty sure Ezra didn´t know. But if Vin had to ask for help, had to have the gambler write out a poem he´d thought up because he couldn´t do it himself, then the southerner would know. And that represented something much deeper – the note left for him in the hotel; his being late by a day, maybe two; the years that followed as he searched endlessly while Ezra imagined himself abandoned. The ex-bounty hunter closed his eyes. How´d it get ta this? And ta think – I´d believed missing him had drug be through hell and back… Vin opened his eyes and squared his shoulders. He was tired of this dance, this careful void that separated them. Resolved to start now he sucked in another breath of air and pushed into the saloon.
It was dark inside, most of the patrons gone for the night. Ezra was at his table but looked more disheveled than he normally did. Vin furrowed his brows. He took a few steps closer, keeping a sharp eye on the southerner. Then it hit him. Man´s drunk outta his head. That surprised the tracker. Ezra hated to be out of control, and even more so if he was in public. And he´d never seen the other man drunk before. Musta really been knocking it back ta get this drunk – Ez can hold it better than most I´ve seen. The Texan hesitated, wondering briefly if he shouldn´t bother the gambler. He´d heard about the games lost, how humiliated his love was by the other man. Maybe this´ll help get his mind off that…can help me with this, and then maybe with that loosened tongue he´d feel like talking. Vin brushed aside the warnings against acting and stepped on ahead, approaching the table. He looked right at Ezra and asked, then promptly wanted to punch either himself or the man laughing for having done it. With uncharacteristic haste and lack of grace he pushed his way out of the saloon, cursing himself a fool and cursing the southerner as well. He went straight to his wagon then stopped, wheeling around so he backtracked to the livery, grabbing only Peso´s bridle. In minutes they were riding out into the night, Vin telling himself that the sharp air whipping by was causing the moisture to well in his eyes.
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