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Disclaimers: no infringement intended – no profit being made anyway
Feedback: yes, please, and thank you
Special thanks to Katherine for the fine beta
Notes: This is the second in a series. Immediately follows the events in Beginnings.
Size: Approx 130K
As soon as Ezra was beyond the swinging doors of the saloon he trotted quickly down the wooden boardwalk, holstering his weapons, eyes and ears alert in case trouble decided to follow him out. His heart was thundering in his body, making his head hurt and lungs feel like they were about to burst. Ezra took several more long paces then ducked into a darkened alley. He bent forward, hands on knees, head spinning and breath coming in short gasps. If it hadn't meant his life in those moments as he'd escaped from the unhappy cowboys in the barroom, he was certain he'd not have been able to maintain that level of composure at seeing the man who had haunted his every thought for the past two years.Vin Tanner - more beautiful now then he remembered. The years had added definition to that handsome face, the body still hard and lean. There was no question in his mind what he'd found so desirable as he'd watched the longhaired man stroll with deceptive casualness across that crowded room in St Joe. And he still wanted what he saw, and wanted it just as badly as he had then – maybe more. The gambler closed his eyes and concentrated, counting very slowly to 100, first in spanish, then in latin. A few moments longer in the morning air and Ezra managed to gather himself enough so that he could walk without feeling like he would be sick. He strode to the livery and prepared Chaucer, then with haste he rode out of town, the ghost from what he´d thought was his firmly buried past nipping at his heels, speeding his escape.
Several miles out of town he finally pulled his mount in, trotting them out a few paces then coming to a stop. The southerner dropped the reins and buried his face in his hands, for a few moments stifling the hiccupping tears that threatened - then he scrubbed over his face with his hands, digging into the eyes to clear all traces of the wetness that had managed to gather there. Chaucer shifted, snorting softly. Ezra leaned forward and patted the silky hair covering a muscled neck.
"All is well, my friend. I will be fine." Ezra knew the horse was used to making a quick break from places, often times aiding his owner in the escape -but what he wasn't familiar with were the waves of emotion that could be sensed radiating off his usually unflappable rider. There was only one other time the beast had endured this hesitation, had trotted on despite the virtual abandonment of his companion. That came after he'd spent an unusual amount of time unridden, getting to know the feisty black that had been moved next to his stall after the dark animal had bit and terrorized the other horses that had been around him. The gambler sighed when his horse shifted and grunted again. "All right, all is not well. But it will be - as always, I will see to that."
The southerner patted the animal once more then dismounted, taking a few shaky steps, making an aimless pattern in the dirt. He made a quick mental catalog of his person: all his money was with him, as was his weaponry. He was wearing his best clothes, and had enough food in his saddlebags to last at least two days. Those items still in the room he had rented above the saloon could easily be replaced. The only item of no value but having irreplaceable sentiment was with him as well. There was no reason not to just keep going, find a new flock to fleece. No reason except for being able to gaze upon Vin at least one more time.
Angrily he thrust the small voice away, admonishing himself against doing that very thing. What point would there be in returning to Four Corners? And for what - Larabee had said a portion of that gold...probably not much at all once split between them. Certainly no incentive to risk his life. No, best to just keep going as he always did. Damn fool...running away from this, your greatest wish. He snorted. No, only a fool if I stay - only a fool if I subject myself to the needless humility of facing...him...again. Ezra stalked about for the better part of an hour, then sat on a low, flat rock for two more. Finally he stood, Chaucer trotting to him easily.
He mounted up and turned the animal away from Four Corners, digging his heels in and urging the beast to canter, wanting to get as far away as fast as possible. He watched the rosy and umbered sunset display its glory for him as he rode, felt the cooling of the world around him as it lost its fiery sentinel. The horizon behind him was just starting to filter its starry blanket as the light faded when he brought the horse to an abrupt stop. He shut his eyes, bringing his thumb and forefinger up to squeeze at the bridge of his nose, head pounding and heart beating in an accelerating cadence. With a muffled curse he pulled sharply at Chaucer´s bridle, turning them with jarring suddenness. He leaned low in the saddle, prompting the steadfast mount to run, and he clenched his teeth, face set in a determined, bitter line.
+ + + + + + +
Vin walked around the sleeping village, circling quietly with his thoughts as company. He was wondering what to do about his love, now returned to him but feeling more distant then when they'd been worlds apart, unaware of each other's whereabouts. The first day in the village he'd finally caught a moment alone with the elusive man, had pulled them behind one of the low adobe huts. The tracker closed his eyes and remembered the exchange...
"Ez," he breathed into the ear under his mouth. Vin flicked out with his tongue, tasting, touching. A low moan escaped his lips, and he pressed himself closer to the body he had pinned against the cool wall. He turned his head and lowered his lids, savoring their first kiss, putting a god to shame with his ambrosia. It was everything he had dreamed of come to life, all the fears and hopelessness of never reuniting again dissolving as he was able to assure himself that this was real. With furious hands he reached under the wool jacket, massaging and feeling without direction whatever flesh he could. The shirt preventing him to be able to touch naked skin had finally tested him too far, and he'd practically ripped it down the back to get his hands inside. Once there he settled some, letting his forehead rest against a strong shoulder as he fought to regain breath. "Jesus...Ez…" he whispered, hands stroking the muscled back without cease. The body under his stiffened, but he was too carried away to notice. He groaned, “Want so much…”
"Want what so much?" The answering voice was a little breathy; unsteady enough to raise the tracker's inner heat that much more. He thought about what he'd dreamed of for those years, what had consumed him with an unrelenting fire - making love to his heart. For Vin that was the purest expression between them of how he felt, the only way to physically near the bond that united their souls. It was something he'd craved with raw hunger, the emptiness without Ezra leaving his lonely soul feeling battered, crippled. The only thing he knew to fill that hole was their love, and the only way he'd ever experienced love in his adult life was when their bodies had been locked in the heady couplings that had transcended baser desires. His world was only right when they were together, his spirit only truly complete when they were one. With this in mind he whispered huskily,
"Having ya naked, flushed and under me...ready fer me..." He didn't even think on how those words could be misconstrued, didn't even consider that his mental definition for what this meant to him wouldn't be apparent to the man in his arms. He pushed his hand under the waistband, seeking out evidence of his lover´s own eagerness. Instead of purring back as the tracker had expected Ezra slapped at the hand, then asked in a cold voice,
"Mr Tanner, what are you doing Sir?" Vin felt thunderstruck. He reared back, blue eyes clearly showing his confusion. A brow furrowed above them and he asked,
"What do ya mean by that Ez? I'm doing what I've thought about now fer two years." He emphasized his last words, shuddering a little when his lover shifted. Vin lifted his leg a little higher, pressing it further into the groin it was nestled against, helping him keep the compact form in place. He stared into unreadable green eyes for a long time, a trickle of apprehension pricking his euphoria. Maybe the southerner had some confusion – he didn´t think it possible, but maybe it was best to check all the same. He licked his lips before asking, "Don't ya know me, Ez?" He pulled a hand out from where it was investigating in the black pants and took one of Ezra's into it with a firm grasp, pulling it to cover his wildly beating heart. "Ez?" The eyes shifted to their interlocked hands, then back to his waiting gaze again. If anything they were more glacial than they'd seemed seconds before.
"“No, I do not know you, Mr Tanner – but do not misapprehend me. Do I recognize you? Certainly. But I have not, nor have I ever known you.” He felt like he´d been slapped in the face. He grunted and angled close for a kiss, stopping short of forcing one as the gambler resisted. He tightened the hold on the hand in his.
“I know ya know me, Ez. I know ya do. What yer sayin´ is a bunch a crap, and I don´t know why yer doing it either. Iffen ya recognize me, then ya know me dammit!” Ezra pulled away, and he finally let go, hissing between his teeth, “Ya may be able ta lie ta yerself, Ez, but I felt your remembering me.” He glared at where he´d felt the stirrings of an answering arousal in the southerner´s crotch, then pointed at the green-eyed man, finger shaking slightly. “I´m leaving, this time – but don´t you think this is over jus´ cause I´m giving in, jus´ cause yer acting like an uppity bastard.” Anger, betrayal, disappointment had all combined to color his harsh response, had him pushing away from the man who was only a cold shell of the passionate soul he'd fallen in love with so easily. As soon as he'd acted he'd regretted it, but knew there was no going back. Never any goin' back - learned that too well when I was too damn stubborn ta jus' have that note read fer me, or when I stood up on that little hill probably jus' one day late. Jus' gonna hafta make it work from here.
Vin sighed sharply, bringing himself back to the present. His control had been tested to the farthest limit a few days ago in the saloon - as soon as he'd seen Ezra his whole body had tingled to life then froze. For a few long minutes he'd been unable to even breathe, just rooted in place as he watched the back of his longed for obsession move about, unbelievably real and close enough to touch. Larabee had followed him in soon enough, and the tracker had clamped down on his urge to run across the room in a flying tackle to land on top of the gambler and smother the other man's mouth with his own. He laughed dryly. Probably not the best idea ta run at 'nother fella and jus' start humpin' at him in a room full a strangers...sure woulda gotten Ez's attention though.
As it was he'd held himself rigidly in check, observing with Chris and Nathan as the southerner single-handedly forded his own escape from the hostile room. He'd allowed a smile to quirk his face, given hungry eyes free rein to travel without cease from one end of that beloved form to the other. The Texan had just stopped short of licking his lips and groaning in approval. It was all he could stand to follow Chris' direction and scare Buck out of his lady friend's bed before he went running, in search of his spiritmate. As before he'd only found a few trace footprints in the dust. He'd gone over the small town with exacting care, checking in every nook and cranny - he'd even barged into the few locked rooms he'd encountered inside the hotel and the saloon. A large room above the barroom had made him stop, feelings from before flooding back in a deafening wave.
The odor inside was all Ezra - the man's soap, just the man himself. Vin had been unable to stop his thorough cataloging of the room, peeking into drawers, reverently fingering the colored jackets where they hung in the closet. He'd curled up on the bed, laying his head against the soft pillow, eyes closed as he just breathed in the essence that had followed him all these years. The sight of all the belongings gave him hope - he didn't think the gambler would willingly part with so many expensive personal effects, so he took it as a sign the man would be returning. Finally he'd stirred, not wanting to be found snooping in the southerner´s room, and he'd gone and spent a restless night in his wagon. He hadn't changed his clothes, keeping the ones on that had picked up the scent in the room, and he'd lain in a strange state, a mix of arousal, frustration, and calm security until morning.
The next day before they´d ridden out to the nearby village his relief at seeing his green-eyed enchanter had been so great that he'd nearly acted on it. He wanted to ride up close and cup his hands around that handsome face, pull them together for a kiss he was so desperate to taste, his new associates be damned. What prevented him that time wasn't his own tight control, but Ezra himself. There was no indication the man even knew him, that he wasn't fighting against the same desperate urge to fall onto the ground where they stood and rip each other's clothes off. It wasn't until that befuddling moment between them behind the small hut that he'd had any idea what an uphill battle he'd be facing. He sighed. Ta be fair Ez don't know I came fer him - he don't know I was there, jus' late. A coldness entered his body at the thought. Maybe he's thinking I didn't want him, maybe he left cause he'd given up on me... It was something that he'd thought of before but never allowed himself to fully consider. Vin had always worked under the idea that Ezra had finally been forced to leave, for whatever unknown reason. Until now he'd stubbornly ignored what was probably the truth of their unfortunate timing: that his only love believed himself to be unwanted. The tracker closed his eyes. Gonna hafta figure out how ta convince him that I did want him, that I still do. Jus' hope I'll know how.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra sighed when he saw Vin walking determinedly towards him. He sped his steps enough to turn the corner into the alley – not enough to outrun the tracker, but making certain their interaction wouldn´t be on display in main street. The gambler had been carefully avoiding the Texan, not wanting to cross paths more than was necessary. He simply wanted to finish out his thirty days and be gone again. Being pulled behind the small hut in the village only to find out that all the blue-eyed man wanted from him was good sex was more than enough to impel him to keep his distance, making him want to run away from here as fast as he could. The disappointment with the revelation had been almost more than he could stand, his dismal feelings dragging him even further down. It had been enough to cause him to abandon his comrades at the village, his hurt making him believe that finding a little gold in the old mines to flee with would be the best outcome he could hope for from the situation. His anger and crushed pride hadn´t helped either – they worked in close tandem with his bruised emotions, urging him to act against his conscience. As it was he´d turned around at the first report of gunfire and sped back to the little enclave, knowing it was impossible to leave the tracker if there was the potential for the other man to come to harm.
When he´d heard the breathy whisper of Vin´s half statement, that the man ‘wanted so much,´ he´d allowed himself to imagine all sorts of things – things that he´d wanted ever since he´d found Vin, the two year interim doing nothing to lessen the intensity of his desires. He wanted the tracker to be with him for the rest of their lives, wanted it because they were in love and committed, to share everything that would come, together. He wouldn´t settle for simply finding physical satisfaction with one another – it would never be enough. It seemed the latter was all that drove the tracker, and the gambler was still trying to find his way past the desolation this caused. In love…committed. It didn´t happen then, I should not allow the false pretense that it might be possible to happen now. The southerner heard footsteps behind him, approaching rapidly. For all his avoidance, the longhaired man was rather tenacious, and a few meetings between them seemed unfortunately inevitable. It seems I am to endure one such a meeting right now. Ezra halted his steps when he heard Vin call his name. He turned very slowly.
“Mr Tanner. Were you in need of something?” The Texan took a few more steps then stopped, close enough for Ezra to reach out and touch. The gambler felt his fingers twitch and he balled them into well-concealed fists. Blue eyes regarded him evenly.
“Want ta talk with ya, Ez. Few things I think I need ta explain – wanna explain if you´ll give me the chance.” The southerner answered tersely,
“You needn´t explain anything, Mr Tanner. I feel I am fully aware of the dynamics ruling out interactions.” Vin clucked his tongue impatiently.
“Vin, Ez. Would it kill ya ta call me Vin?” He rolled his eyes when the gambler stayed silent and he drawled, “I can remember a time when ya did call me that.” A flush of heat chased its way up Ezra´s chest to dust his cheeks with color. He squared his shoulders but still didn´t answer. Vin shook his head, changing the subject. “Don´t know that ya do understand everything, Ez. Don´t see that ya can.” The conman tilted his head, brow raised. He worked to keep his face and voice as bland as possible. Nimble hands spread in an open gesture between them.
“Well then,Mr Tanner, enlighten me.” His only indication that the sharpshooter was annoyed by his continuing use of the formality was a flare in the blue eyes that was quickly suppressed. Vin took a small step forward.
“It don´t hafta be this way, Ez – we don´t hafta be this way. We´re here now, working together. That alone should make us wanna try and fix all this crap, get back on some even footing.” He paused. “At least, makes me want that.” Ezra watched him nibble on his lower lip, a sure sign he was trying to think of the right way to phrase something. It was a gesture he´d only seen when the tracker was around someone he trusted – and one that made him weak in the knees. He ignored the prospect revealed that Vin still trusted him, firmly pushing the urgent spike of lust back down. He made himself focus on the tracker´s next words. “Want ya ta know I made it, even if I was late. I came, Ez. I wanted ya so bad…can´t tell ya what it did ta me not finding ya there.” Green eyes widened almost imperceptibly. Ah yes, I´m sure you did want me, Vin. As always you have wanted me – under you.
“So, you found your way then. Congratulations.” Vin cursed just under his breath. He reached out and pulled Ezra towards him, keeping a firm hand around the gambler´s arm just above the elbow as he spoke.
“Dammit, Ez – can´t ya see what I´m telling ya?” Blue eyes narrowed, and Vin took in a breath before starting to speak again. Ezra had the feeling that he´d been about to say something other than what came next. “We hafta start somewhere. We need ta figure something out, I want ta figure something out. If for nothing else than here we are, and there´s no getting away from that.” The gambler forced his voice out over the lump in his throat, trying to push away the throbbing heat the firm grip on his arm was causing to pulsate throughout his whole body. He was pleased at how even his tone sounded.
“Do not toil under the false impression that as we are now bound into service together under Mr Larabee´s lead that this necessitates your forcing a convivial atmosphere between us that would otherwise not exist.” With that the southerner tried to step away, eyes still cold, implacable. Vin´s hold on his arm wrenched him back so their faces were mere inches apart. The Texan hissed out,
“English, Ez. Say it in english.” The gambler lifted a single brow and with a huff of disdain shook his captive arm free. His answer came as he looked down his nose, the voice even calmer than before.
“That was english, Mr Tanner.” He watched as the blue eyes froze over, becoming unreadable. The tracker took a step back.
“Fine, Ez. Jus´ fine. Forget I said anything ta begin with.” The gambler stood, chest feeling hollow and sharp with pain. He ignored the traitorous emotions that were urging he give chase, offering whatever it would take to make amends. Instead the southerner clenched his jaw tighter and forced his body to turn away from the retreating back, walking purposefully towards nowhere.
+ + + + + + +
Vin entered the saloon, hoping to get a drink and then be left alone. The day had not gone well at all – Ezra had not gone well at all. He sighed. Can´t seem ta get anything right with him…don´t even know where ta start anymore, what ta say. He couldn´t even think where it might have gone so wrong, but it was clear as day that nothing was right. The Texan stopped when a voice called out to him.
“Hey Junior! Get on over here.” Vin looked over to see Buck grinning at him, JD, Josiah and Chris sharing the man´s company. He cursed internally and headed over. He was in no mood for conversation, didn´t want to be around anyone else, but he also didn´t want to arouse suspicion or make his friends curious enough to start asking questions. The ladies man shoved a chair out from the opposite side of the table with his boot, jerking his head towards it. “Have a seat.” Blue eyes studied the tracker, and Buck sat forward in his chair. “Damn, boy – you have a hard day? You´re lookin´ like someone just kicked ya off your horse then ran away with him.” He winked. “Course, with that beast a yours, might be in your favor for that ta happen.” Vin shook his head and forced a smile.
“Ain´t nothing, Bucklin. Jus´ a few things today didn´t go right is all. It´ll be fine tomorrow.” The ladies man studied him for a minute longer then nodded, apparently satisfied. The sharpshooter was relieved no one else added their two cents about how he looked. Buck pushed a shot across the table at Vin, and he took it readily, bobbing his head in thanks. The ladies man slumped back into his chair, stroking his moustache with a hand.
“Yeah, some days are just shit, and there ain´t no getting around that – no matter what ya do or how ya try to change, it just keeps coming back to shit. No saying why, but it happens.” A grin quirked his face, and the rogue said, “I know of a day like that for JD…” He waggled a brow and the sheriff elbowed him in the gut, making him grunt. The younger man retorted,
“Wasn´t much worse then the day you had three drinks thrown in your face, and fell offa Lady into that mud puddle, and shrunk your clothes so you couldn´t wear them anymore when you´d tried to wash them yourself.” Buck rolled his eyes.
“Those days for me are few and far between, JD – seem to happen with you a bit more often.” A brow lifted over brown eyes and JD stuck out his tongue. Across the table Josiah shook his head, laughing quietly. The sheriff poked his friend in the side.
“Yeah, sure. Prove it.” Buck just shook his head, grin growing as he looked around the table. He changed the focus of the discussion away from himself by asking a question.
“How ‘bout you boys…ever have day like that?” He leaned close to JD and nudged his friend when Chris growled a little. He whispered theatrically, “Whoooo-eee – Chris sure has had some doozies.” The sheriff grinned.
“Alright, let´s hear one.” The man in black shook his head, but then sat up, a smirk playing about his lips. He pointed at his friend.
“You´re in this one too, so don´t think you´re off the hook.” Buck raised his hands and shrugged. He didn´t look the least bit worried.
As Chris set about recounting his own bad day, no one noticed as Vin´s eyes got distant while he reflected on his own response to the light question thrown around the table. It was an answer he knew very well, but one he would never share. It had come after Tascosa, and enough after losing Ezra that his ability to hold onto his hope that they would soon be reunited had diminished considerably. The memories of their time together had seemed to him then more like a hazy daydream, and if he hadn´t carried with him the proof of the other man in the pocket over his heart, he very easily could have convinced himself it had never happened at all. He´d ridden hard and far from that Texas town, searching without having an actual goal or destination in mind, just knowing he had to keep running, trying to get away from the growing emptiness that was gnawing inside. At some point he´d stopped at a dusty hole of a town, and a cruel parody of what had brought his green-eyed spirit into his life had played out before him – and in his numbed indifference he´d finally surrendered.
When he´d first entered the saloon his heard had seized up, stilling cold in his chest. In front of him sat a red-coated back and brown curled head. He hadn´t been certain enough to advance unchecked, but the name that woke with him every morning and whispered as he went to sleep every night echoed in his mind, and he´d had to fight not to utter it aloud. The tracker had walked slowly around the table, heading for the bar in a circuitous route, desperate to see the face hidden from him. The pang of disappointment at the unfamiliar visage was so sharp that he´d tensed his abdomen muscles and sucked in a harsh breath to prevent himself from letting out a cry of betrayal. To have this be the closest he´d ever felt he´d been to his lost love, and see how far it really was had frozen his insides through. He´d walked to the bar and downed two shots in rapid succession, then sipped at a third.
He´d been able to feel the other man´s gaze on him, knew it was shifting over his body like fumbling hands. He hadn´t liked the intrusion and tried to ignore it, but was unable to keep himself from comparing the experience to Ezra, the southerner´s warming, unobtrusive yet thorough appreciation he´d welcomed so readily. Several more minutes went by and the stranger was at his side, the pretense of buying another drink bringing the flashy gambler to his elbow. The man had turned and leaned back against the bar, and had thrown a sidelong glance Vin´s way. The drawl that met his ears wasn´t southern, but northern instead, and the Texan placed the man from coming out of Massachusetts or another nearby state. Disappointment pulled him further into its deadening embrace.
“I´ve just finished a game, and was thinking to start a new one – however, I was hoping for something, ah – more selective perhaps?” Vin had closed his eyes, the invitation rattling around inside his head. How many times since Ezra had he received similar? How many times had he shook his head and slipped away, heart still tied to another? The invitation rattled still more, bouncing around in his hollow chest, finding nothing to absorb against and prevent his next actions. He´d grabbed his fourth shot and sucked it down then turned, eyes flinty, as hollow as his soul.
“Yeah, sure. Somewhere in mind?” The other man had smiled lasciviously, and Vin had to fight off shuddering. He gritted his teeth – he didn´t care anymore, there was nothing to care about. So he´d followed that almost stranger up, entered the room and let himself be stripped of his clothes and the last of his faith. He´d been instructed to ‘go first,´ which he had, bending the man over the bed and taking him quickly. The body under him was pasty and weak, with a few roundings around the hips and a slight paunch over the stomach. It was nothing like the sleek power he had been craving for so long now. He´d pushed that back and just kept on, not knowing what he wanted or why, just feeling unable to stop. There was no kissing – he´d made sure of that at least – there was no foreplay to speak of, and certainly nothing resembling tenderness or even something beyond impersonal need. Then it had been his turn, and he´d belly-flopped onto the bed, not wanting to look at the man he was letting do this to him, not wanting to see himself mirrored above.
Fingers had pushed inside and readied him, but it had been actions performed only for the imposter, not for him. There was no soft stroking of his sweet spot, no gentle licks and nips as he was prepared – just stretched and held until the other man´s cock could push inside. When it did Vin had lifted up onto his knees with a grunt, then had thrust back, demanding in a hoarse voice that it be harder – and harder, and harder still. He wanted it to hurt, wanted it to burn away even his physical memory the glory that was being loved by Ezra. The stranger had obliged – Vin had carried bruises on his hips for days after as a clear reminder. He´d had to reach under himself and jerk on his own arousal for relief, and there was a blessed, breathless moment right before he climaxed when he was able to superimpose the whole of his spiritmate over the man behind him, and he heard himself whisper that name as he shot his load onto the scratchy bedding.
As soon as he was able he´d pushed off the mattress, and he´d walked to the washbasin on the stand at the other side of the small room. There was a grimy mirror above it and he´d studiously avoided looking there, not wanting to see the real stranger he was keeping company with. The other man had lain back on the bed and had chuckled, and in a patronizing voice had told Vin what a good ‘game´ he had. The tracker had scrubbed at his body with the washcloth until it was red and angry from the harsh attentions, listening as he was invited to travel overseas with the stranger.
“You´d make an entertaining little traveling companion – the duration of the boat ride would for once not irritate me.” After the initial relief that the man would be far away very soon wore away, Vin had bit into his cheek to control his flare of rage, glad he was naked. If he´d been armed he would probably have used his bowie to gut the man where he lay. He´d scolded himself against acting, reminding with mocking tones that he´d brought this upon himself, that he could just as easily have stepped away from that bar and gone as he´d entered, never to look back again. Instead here he was, feeling dirty and used, and like he´d committed the deepest infidelity – not for the sex, but for thinking he could try and erase Ezra´s memory. As it was he´d grunted a no then found his clothes. He´d pulled them on without care, only checking the inner pocket to make certain the three items that were always there were safe. Without another word he´d shouldered out of the room and had nearly run for the livery.
It had hurt like hell getting down those steps, taking all he had to remain upright and get to his horse. The worst came when he´d secured his foot in the stirrup and had swung his lean body over, abused muscles screaming in protest. It didn´t matter to him – he´d bit down furiously and willed himself along, until he was cantering out of town and back into the wild, away from the objectification of his misery. It wouldn´t have mattered if the pain were so great that he´d had to crawl from that room; he´d have made it somehow. Vin had led Peso to a safe place he knew of, and several hours later they had arrived. He rode the horse up the rocky outcrop and then right into the little cave hidden within.
Once inside he´d almost dropped from the saddle, and he´d lain on his side, body curling into a tight ball. It was then that finally the last thread of his endurance snapped. He had sobbed in soundless agony, lean body wracking so hard that it forced up several mouthfuls of bile. Still it didn´t slow, the release so great from being so long held in check taking him over entirely, and he was powerless against the tide as it drug him down and down. After a long time the harsh cries slowed to bitter tears, and eventually even those dried up. From there he laid in stillness, a cloaking numbness settling in, smothering all else.
He had no idea how long he was there, pressed against the cold rock beneath him. He hovered in and out of a strange non-sleep, unable to rouse his defeated person to do otherwise. Finally he´d heaved himself onto his hands and knees, and this only to remove the saddle from Peso, pulling it down without concern, the hard leather snapping into him as it fell. He didn´t even bother to secure his horse, not caring if he ran away. The selective yet stalwart animal never strayed. Vin had choked down some hardtack and water, having no appetite but knowing he needed it. At long last he´d given over to unconsciousness, falling into a dark, dreamless sleep. He didn´t wake until several hours after dawn the next day.
For six days he stayed – as penance and a final tribute. Each hour that passed he remembered with vivid clarity the events of every moment shared with Ezra, going over all the details he had held as close as a sacred treasure, allowing himself to relive that place one last time. During that time he barely ate, only drinking when thirst impelled him. On the last day he stirred himself to rise, saddling Peso and eating a bit before heading out. His was thinner, eyes haunted with something that would cause other men to look away from him that day forward. He was grimy and unkempt, and he couldn´t care in the least.
If what had ridden into that cave those days ago had been a broken spirit, then what rode out was the bare shadow of a man. In this state he had wandered, ducking bounty hunters after his own head, scraping by with an existence that was several degrees past harsh, because that´s all he was able to be – existing. It had taken until he´d looked across the main street of Four Corners and into the eyes of Chris Larabee for him to finally find purpose again, to feel something like life surge through his veins. And at the sight of Ezra, the tight box he´d locked away all feeling and memory into so long ago had whispered to him gently, urging him to unbury its contents, feel again what he knew could be possible. Vin pressed his mouth into a determined line, thoughts bringing him back to the present, and he swore to himself: not matter what it took he´d do it, or die trying.
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