Who I Am

By Sammy Girl

ATF Universe

Disclaimer: Not mine not making any money, just having fun.

Authors Notes: Thanks to Mog for inventing such a wonderful playground and to Firefox for getting me into this and proof reading. This is a direct sequel to He Knows and Maybe and is set immediately after Maybe.

Buck Wilmington straightened his back and winced as the muscles protested the action. God I'm getting too old for this, he said to himself as he returned to hefting hay bales onto the elevator that raised them to the loft. Despite it being early October all three of them were stripped to the waist as they worked to square away a whole winters’ worth of feed for the horses.

When Chris had asked for help just four days ago he had expected more people. After all six of the horses weren't his. Every one of them stabled a horse at the ranch, and some of the best times the seven of them had had, was when riding together in the hills behind the ranch. Even Ezra could be persuaded to engage in 'menial labour' as he put it, when it meant horse work. Ezra would even camp out, although not without protest.

Vin was still away in Washington when Chris asked. True, he'd left it a bit late, being separated from the love of his life had distracted him, but he was hoping they would help.

ooOOOoo

"Oh Chris, I'm so sorry, I wish I could - but I promised I would help out at Saint Peter’s this weekend." Josiah sounded genuinely sorry.

Saint Peter's church ran a shelter for the homeless and Josiah helped out when he could. Having made the commitment he couldn't let them down.

"That's alright Josiah, I know I'm not giving you much warning, Saint Peter’s needs you more than I do, don't sweat it," Chris assured.

Nathan was looking worried, very worried. "Well, I guess I could manage a few hours on Sunday afternoon, maybe…."

Chris noticed his discomfort. Normally Nathan would never shirk his responsibilities, and that was the problem. Rain had the weekend off from the hospital. It was rare for the two of them to have a whole weekend together and she had made it clear he was spending it with her.

"Rain wants you all to herself this weekend?" Chris ventured.

"She kinda made it plain she didn't want to see or hear any of you all weekend, or else." He looked a little sheepish.

"Strong woman, that Rain," Buck commented. "I wouldn't want to cross her."

"We'll manage with out you Nate, I don't want Rain on my tail." Chris admitted.

"Well JD, you free?"

"God I'm sorry Chris, I'm going to Aspen with Casey, we've been planing it for weeks, I would if I could but I can't."

"No, of course you can't JD." Buck came to his defence. The kid had been planning the long weekend for weeks.

"Have fun JD," Chris said with a rueful smile.

"Mother." Was all Ezra said.

Chris turned his gaze on Buck.

"Well, you're not giving a guy much warning, but if you spring for a night out after, I'm in."

ooOOOoo

Chris came to the door of the hayloft, wiping the sweat from his eyes as he watched Buck work. All three of them were now in the loft stacking bails. He watched Buck's broad back, his well developed chest muscles, the way his biceps bulged as he lifted the bails, he noted the way the faded denim hugged his slim hips, he even noted the slight bulge in the front of the jeans.

Oh my God! What am I doing! Chris asked himself still not tearing his eyes away from Buck. Buck his oldest friend, his very straight friend, who had given him his friendship and stuck by him no matter what. Buck was a damn fine looking man! Why had he not noticed this before?

"What ya looking at cowboy?" Vin suddenly asked coming up beside him.

Before he could engage his brain, his mouth said. "Buck."

"And why would you do that?"

"Fine looking man."

"Hey!" Vin stepped into Chris' line of sight, cursing that he was so much shorter than Buck and Chris. He had to stand on tiptoe to block Chris' view.

"Remember me, the one you sleep with, the gay one not the straight one who couldn’t get it up for you if he tried?"

"Who couldn't get it up?" Buck asked suddenly.

"You couldn't - for Chris." Vin explained.

"Well, that is true, but why would I want to try?"

"'Cause he's ogling your bod' pal."

"Was not!"

"Was too!"

"Was not!"

"You admitted it, 'sides, you're eyes were practically on stalks!" Vin accused angrily.

"Now, now children," Buck soothed, coming over to them, grinning from ear to ear. "You really think little ol' me worth ogling?" he asked Chris.

"Will you stop it! You don't want him, so stop flirting with him, he's mine!" Vin fumed

"I'm just asking, man likes to know he's attractive, I've had men hit on me before you know. I'm not immune to a bit of attention." Buck tried to look innocent.

"Well, he ain't free to hit on you nor no-one else neither, so jist lay off him."

"Oh, come on Vin, it's usually me does the hitting - it's nice to be the hitee some times." Buck turned playful, pleading eyes on Vin. "Pleeeeeease!"

Vin turned his back on Chris to face Buck.

"No way, you'll jist confuse him."

"So it's alright for you to ogle other men but not Chris?" Buck accused.

"I don't! I'm a one man kinda guy!"

"Mmmm… so you wasn't sitting through Lord of the Rings last week getting all hot and bothered ever time that guy who was in Goldeneye was on? The one who's in all them videos you got about the British fighting Napoleon."

"That’s different - he's a movie star - they don't count - you got all them Baywatch videos," he accused.

"Yeah, but I ain't never claimed to be a one woman man," Buck pointed out triumphantly.

Throughout all this Chris had not taken his eyes of Buck. "I'm gay," he said quietly.

Vin turned to face Chris, looking in to his face, the face he loved so much, trying to work out what was going on.

"Well, yeah, I think we all kinda figured that out," Buck said gently.

"I think Chris is having an epiphany," Vin announced.

"An epiphany! Jesus boy! You have definitely been spending too much time with Ezra!" Buck laughed.

Chris hadn't really heard any of the conversation between Vin and Buck, he was trying to understand why the sight of Buck, drenched in perspiration and stripped to the waist, should turn him on. After all, it wasn't as if he hadn't seen him before, he'd seen him naked more than once, and it had had no effect. For all the time he had loved Vin, he had been kidding himself, he realised. He had somehow convinced himself he was a straight man who happened to sleep with and be in love with another man, but somehow that didn't make him gay. But if that were true, how come he found Buck suddenly so damn attractive? He remembered what Buck had said yesterday about Harry Chow. An image of Harry formed in his mind and he suddenly found the memory very pleasant. He was attracted to men, he could no longer block out the truth.

Chris blanched and backed away. He backed so far, so quickly, he was in danger of backing right though the hayloft doors and falling, when Vin reached out and grabbed him.

"Careful, lover - don't wanna lose you yet!"

Chris snatched his arm free, suddenly his whole body language changed, becoming defensive, wary and tense.

"Get off me, don't touch me!"

He pulled free from Vin, quickly scanning the loft as if it were some warehouse full of hostiles, then he made a run for the ladder and was gone. Vin stared after him for a second.

"Chris?" he almost whispered it, the sudden fear in his voice all too evident.

Vin was already heading for the ladder when Buck caught hold of his shoulder.

"Leave him, let him go - it's a lot for him to take in. I'll check he's okay, you…you carry on working, keep busy, yes?"

Vin turned his sapphire blue eyes on Buck, silently begging him to put it all right. Fate had been toying with him, lulling him into a false sense of security and love, now she would have her revenge. Buck thought his heart would break as he saw the fear and desperation in Vin's eyes, sometimes Buck forgot how young Vin was, how vulnerable, how fragile and easily hurt. For all his physical prowess, his technical and tactical abilities, inside, Vin was really just a boy in search of the security life had always denied him, needing to belong, to be loved and protected. Buck put his arm around Vin and turned him from the stairs.

"He loves you, and only you, never doubt it. Now you just leave everything to your Uncle Buck, okay?" Vin nodded. "I mean it Vin, trust me, it'll be okay."

"I can't lose him," Vin breathed. "Not now."

"And you ain't gonna."

Vin took a small measure of comfort in Buck's words. He knew Buck was a man of his word, if he said Vin wasn't going to lose Chris he would believe him, he would hang onto that belief because it was the only thing keeping him on his feet, it was his lifeline.

ooOOOoo

Buck pulled on his shirt and climbed down the ladder. He basically knew where Chris was headed, where he always headed in times of personal crisis. Quietly he walked over to the house and let himself into the den, where, sure enough, Chris was sitting on the floor in the corner with a shot glass in one hand and a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label in the other.

"That ain't gonna help none you know, never did before, won't now," Buck squatted down in font of him.

"Piss off!" Chris growled downing the shot and pouring another.

"No, not this time, this time it isn't just you likely to get hurt, so I'm not gonna let you drink yourself stupid, not this time."

"Buck - I'm gay."

"I know, so what?"

"What do you mean so what? I'm a queer, a faggot, a shirt lifter, a bum bandit, a cock sucking ass fucker!"

"Gee, think you could put it more coarsely if you tried? Chris - like I said - so what? You are still my friend, still the same man you were yesterday, or last week, or last month, or even last year. Don't turn your back on love just 'cause it don't fit into some nice cosy pidgin hole. This is what you are, what you have always been."

"No! No! I was married, I loved Sarah we had a great sex life! I can't be gay!"

"Well, technically you're not, not really; you are however, bisexual, you love both sexes equally, which if you think about it is kinda lucky, 'cause it gave you another chance at love. A chance not granted to many. You do love Vin, don't you?"

"Yes!" The vehemence of his answer surprised even Chris himself.

"Good, 'cause if you ever hurt him you'll have me to deal with. He's not as strong as he looks you know. He doesn't just love you, he worships you, and that’s a big responsibility, you fuck up and he might not recover."

Chris looked up, the undrunk whisky still in his hand.

"I know that, believe me I know. It scares me sometimes, what he would do if anything were ever to happen to me."

"We would look after him," Buck assured.

"I know." Chris looked him in the eye. "You know what advice my daddy gave me when I started high school?"

Buck shook his head.

"'Don't let no-one touch yer dick son.' He didn't say nothing about working hard, not getting girls into trouble or…I don't know? Cutting classes or even about getting on a sports team, all he cared about was that I didn't have a homosexual experience."

"See, now my mom told me to 'have fun, work hard and be careful'," Buck explained

He smiled to himself as he remembered his first day at high school. As his mom had kissed him on the forehead, before he left to catch the bus, she had slipped a condom in his jeans pocket.

"Well, your mom was definitely unique," Chris admitted.

"Yeah, she was that."

"All my life I have believed that what I am is wrong, that people like me are sick, dirty, depraved, I am what I was raised to hate. It's like being a Nazi and then finding out your Jewish. I don't know who I am or what I am, I don't know what to do."

"Is Vin dirty, sick and depraved?"

"No! No way in hell! He's gentle and pure and caring and innocent."

"So why aren’t you? Stop beating yourself up, you know this is wrong, what you were taught is wrong, this prejudice is wrong, you know that so just accept it."

"I'm trying." He downed the second whisky. "How's Vin?"

"Scared, worried."

Chris pulled himself to his feet. "Maybe I should go talk to him?"

"Be gentle, his self image isn't much better than yours right now."

ooOOOoo

Chris found Vin still in the loft, stacking bales hard and fast, putting all his energy into his work, blocking out the hurt and fear.

"Hey babe," Chris called softly.

It was a long talk, a lot of painful truths were accepted and discussed but when it was done they were stronger for it, if emotionally drained.

They wondered back into the house hand in hand to find Buck had commandeered the shower. When he finally emerged, he found them drinking beer on the sofa, Chris' arm over Vin's shoulders as they watched an old western.

"We cool guys?" he asked.

"Yeah we're cool," Vin affirmed, smiling at Chris.

"Good 'cause I'm still owed a night on the town, so you two better get cleaned up. And dress nice! I get to choose where we go, and the place I got in mind expect you to be smart-casual."

ooOOOoo

It took some time for them to get ready because Buck was unhappy with their clothes. He made Chris put on a white shirt under his black Levies and black jacket. It took him some time to find one, and then it took three attempts to iron it until Buck was happy. He point-blank refused to let Vin wear his buckskin jacket with the tassels on it, more than half of which were missing. Then Vin appeared in his biker's leather jacket, which was also rejected. Finally he found an old linen jacket of Chris', that Chris had shrunk in one of his first attempts at domesticity. After much damping and ironing it was presentable. Luckily Vin's stint in the army had made him an expert with an iron, or it would have taken even longer.

Vin and Chris were more than a little curious as to where they were going but considering what they reckoned they both owed Buck, they collectively decided to indulge him and go with the flow. Buck announced he would drive, and they would take the Dodge. Finally, they were on their way, and to Vin and Chris’ great surprise they were not headed into the city but out on 36 toward Boulder. The drive had taken no more then forty-five minutes as Buck threaded his way in to the town centre and parked in a small lot off a side street.

"Well, everyone out, we're here," he announced.

Chris and Vin looked around as Buck locked the car and came around to meet them.

"Come on, it's this way."

He strode off across the dark parking lot toward a plain looking row of brownstone houses and shops, all of which were dark except one. At the far end, a single spotlight illuminated a discreet sign, which read 'The Spectrum'. On closer inspection, it was a restaurant. Under it, in the basement, there appeared to be a nightclub, although despite the flashing lights visible through the frosted glass at the windows, very little sound could be heard. Buck lead them up the long stoop and ushered them in. Inside the décor was tasteful and in sympathy with the buildings age and style without being too overpoweringly Martha Stewart.

"Buck!" A huge black man by the door in a dinner jacket exclaimed. "Long time no see, where ya been?"

"Around… Work's been bitch lately, how's are you Carl? Here, meet Chris an' Vin, where's Tom?" Buck asked shaking the man's hand enthusiastically.

"Over there on the phone." He pointed at the maitre-de, a tall, angular man, with thinning blonde hair and long, aquiline features.

Buck walked over trailing Vin and Chris in his wake.

"Tom, good to see you old buddy." Buck greeted the man who appeared to be another old friend.

"Jeez man - I saw a Wilmington on the reservation list was hoping it would be you. You old dog, how are ya?"

"Can't complain… and you?"

"Good, I'm good, we're good."

"Tom, I'd like you to meet two good friends, Chris and Vin." He turned to indicate who was who. "Guys, this is Tom Hannah - he co-owns this place and…" He turned back to Tom. "He is gonna treat us right. Right?"

"You bet."

The menu was interesting and, after making their selections, Vin had decided to experiment and try wild boar steak, they sat back to look around. Most of the tables were occupied by couples, and, as Chris looked properly, he realised they were almost exclusively same sex couples.

"Buck," he hissed. "This is a gay restaurant!"

"No! Really? You think?" Buck commented sarcastically. "Chris," he said more seriously. "I wanted to bring you guys someplace you could be yourselves, where you could relax a bit… I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable."

Vin frowned at Chris and then addressed Buck. "Don't listen to him, he's still adjustin' is all, we appreciate the thought." He fixed Chris with a hard stare. "Don't we?"

Chris looked a little sheepish. After everything that had happened, he knew Buck was still trying to help them, or rather him, come to terms with things.

"It's okay, sorry I'm…it's just that…well, you know…"

"Yeah Chris, I know." Buck assured.

ooOOOoo

The meal proceeded smoothly. Buck stuck to Coke and mineral water while making sure that Chris and Vin's wine glasses stayed topped up. By the time Vin was demolishing his second helping of chocolate fudge cake with whipped cream, the two of them had consumed a bottle each. This was having the effect Buck had hoped for and they had both loosened up, becoming more tactile and more openly affectionate.

As the coffee was arriving and Vin was working out how to snaffle all three mints, Buck excused himself to go to the men's room. Tom had come over personally with the coffee.

"So tell me Tom, how come Buck, of all people, gets preferential treatment around here?" Chris asked.

Tom straightened up. "I owe Buck a hell of a lot - you know? If it weren't for him I would never have got together with Carl." He looked over at the big doorman-come-bouncer.

"So you and Carl are…" Vin interjected.

"A couple, and co-owners of all this. See, I was running the catering at the county courthouse, and Carl was a prison warder, he used to escort people to and from the court. We'd see each other one or twice a week. Both desperately in love, but neither of us having the courage to do anything about it."

"Until Buck decided to play cupid?" Chris speculated.

"Right! God knows how he knew about us, Carl wasn't even out then, but he did. Best damn thing that ever happened to me, to us. I mean, I thought he was just another big, dumb, redneck cop, just goes to show you never can tell about people."

"Well, when it comes to Buck, I've learnt never to take anything for granted." Chris admitted.

Once coffee was over Chris settled the bill and, interlocking his arm with Vin’s, headed for the door.

"Where do you two think you're going?" Buck asked.

"Home?" Vin speculated.

"The night is young gentlemen, follow me." And, waving the car keys at them to emphasise the point that they were dependent on him for transport, they were forced to follow.

ooOOOoo

Buck lead them through the restaurant to some steps leading down to the basement. Once though the door at the bottom they were hit by a wall of sound. Music and voices. Any protest the other two might have voiced was drowned out as Buck ploughed on into the melee. With unfaltering direction, he led them to a booth not too far from the bar. Chris was relieved to find the music was not modern techno stuff, but songs he had at least heard of, some were even old enough that he actually owned copies of them and could have sung along if he had wanted to. A waiter dressed in tight black trousers, a bow tie and little else took their order.

Once the drinks were in front of them, Chris leaned over to shout in Buck's ear.

"Why are we here?"

"To have fun! To dance, to drink, to neck, to make out, whatever you want!" Buck shouted back. He was encouraged to see Vin pounding out the rhythm to the current tune on the tabletop and singing along to himself. He reckoned it wouldn't be long before Chris let go of his inhibitions as well. Not wanting to crowd them he decided now was the time to put the selfish part of his plan into operation.

"Guys, I gotta go see someone I know, don't worry about me - you go ahead and have fun." He eyed Chris seriously, "that’s fun, Larabee, F-U-N, fun, remember that, there will be a test later!"

Buck made his way to the bar and called out to the barmaid. She was a petite redhead, with a crew cut any marine would have been proud of, and enough piercings to set off an airport metal detector, dressed in combat trousers and a tight white tee-shirt that ended at her midriff.

"Angie!" he called.

She spun around at the sound of his voice and, recognising him, jumped up on the bar and launched herself into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist.

"Stud!" she exclaimed, planting a kiss on him that lasted a good minute.

Eventually he placed her on the bar, putting his hands either side of her.

"Miss me?" he enquired.

"Sometimes," she admitted.

"Recently?"

"Maybe."

"Good 'cause I missed you."

Not waiting for a reply he moved in to kiss her again, after a long and prolonged session they finally parted, panting and flushed with desire.

"Ange!" A shrill voice cut through the noise.

"Oh Lord." Angie exclaimed and hung her head.

She looked over Buck's shoulder to see another two women approaching, similarly dressed to her, with similar harsh haircuts and piercings. The one who had spoken was dark with faintly oriental features. Her companion had light brown hair and a delicately boned face.

"Who's this?" the dark one demanded.

"Kelly, this is Buck. Buck, this is Kelly and Darla."

Buck turned on his most winning smile as, without moving his hands, which still rested on the bar, either side of Angie, he said, "evening ladies, and may I say how exquisitely beautiful you are looking tonight?"

Darla blushed but Kelly was not to be won over.

"You were kissing him," she accused Angie.

"I can't deny it, I was, and damn good it was too."

"Thank you darlin'" Buck said, accepting the compliment.

"And he's a man." Kelly clearly found the whole situation incredulous.

"Well, let me check." With that Angie thrust her hand down inside Buck's jeans and made it very plain what she was testing for. For his part Buck never moved, he remained still as if nothing unusual was going on.

"Yes Kelly, I do believe you're right, he is a man and, unless that’s a gun in his pocket, he is very pleased to see me!"

Before a 'gob smacked' Kelly could say anything, Buck spoke. "Now hun' you know that ain't where I keep m' gun."

"Yeah, like he's really got a gun," Darla muttered with a sneer.

"Oh, he's got a gun alright, a real big one too!" Angie commented, her eyes riveted on Buck, her hand still thrust down the front of his jeans.

"You got some real kinks Angie, you know that?" Buck pointed out, still smiling.

"Takes one to know one, stud!"

"Well, what do you say me and you see if we can't make my gun safe, slip on the safety and empty the clip?"

"For God sake!" Kelly cried, exasperation getting the better of her.

"Kelly, don't get your knickers in a twist, I'm a big girl, I cross the street and play with some different kids occasionally, if I feel like it, and as it happens, I feel like it now." Angie shot back at her irate friend, "I ain't swapping sides you know."

"Really? 'Cause it looks like it from here." Kelly glared at Buck.

"Nah, not a chance - unless the there were suddenly a hell of a lot more Buck Wilmington's out there - and that is unlikely, seeing as he is unique. And I'm a girl who likes to sample rare and unique things, on the odd occasion."

She removed her hand and pulled it suggestively across her mouth, the increased warmth and very masculine odour it had acquired was turning her on more than ever. Buck stood up and turned to look over his shoulder at Chris and Vin.

"Aw hell!" he swore.

"What's the matter?" Angie asked.

"Them." He pointed at the booth.

Vin had moved closer the edge of the booth, one hand beating out a rhythm on the table, the beer bottle held in two fingers of the other hand swung in time to the music. He was watching the dance floor, clearly itching to get up and have a go. Chris was sitting back, trying to hide in the shadows and scowling at Vin's back.

"They meant to be a couple?" the barmaid asked, with no little incredulity in her voice.

"Yeah - meant to be."

"I take it before we can unload your weapon we have to get the 'Norse God' to lighten up and show the 'Adonis' a good time?"

"That was the plan."

Angie pondered a moment. Then she told Buck to wait while she disappeared for a bit, Buck lent up against the bar and watched. As he drank the rest of his Coke, he shook his head occasionally as Vin would look back at Chris just to get scowled at again, then return his attention to the people having fun on the dance floor.

Angie returned and sat back on the bar.

"Watch," she instructed.

Buck turned around again to lean on the bar facing the booth. Angie sat behind him on the bar, legs wrapped around his hips, arms draped over his shoulders and around his chest, her fingers lazily exploring under his shirt, her chin on his shoulder. As they watched, a young man, tall, slim with chiselled features and short blond hair, approached Vin.

There was a brief conversation. Vin looked back at Chris, who had visibly stiffened and was now sitting up straight. Nevertheless, Vin shrugged and, putting his beer down, got up and headed off with the young man onto the dance floor. Clearly the plan did not need to be spelt out for Vin. He manoeuvred his new partner so they were always in plain sight of Chris. Several times he made sure his back was to Chris and moved his ass highly suggestively practically in Chris face as he danced, allowing his partner to run his hands over his body. But it was not working, Chris just sat and glared at the two of them. He knew what was going on and he was very confident of Vin's fidelity.

"I was sure that would work," Angie sighed disappointedly.

"It will - just needs a little adjustment is all," Buck informed her before he disappeared for a few moments. When he returned he looked like the cat who stole the cream.

"What have you been up to?" Angie enquired.

"Playing dirty."

The current song came to an end and as Buck watched Chris suddenly became very alert as the strains of the Eagle's song 'Desperado' began. Vin and his new partner were holding each other close and moving slowly and seductively right in front of Chris.

"One, two, three, four, five…" Buck counted softly.

Suddenly Chris was up, and in just two strides, had crossed to Vin and the young blonde. As far as Buck could see no words passed, the young stranger took one look at Larabee and backed off. Vin just smiled sheepishly, even coyly, at his lover. Then he pulled Chris to him, placed a hand either side of his face, just as Chris had done to him just yesterday, and pulled him down for a long, seductive kiss. Without breaking contact, he dropped one hand to rest on Chris tight buns, and slowly began to sway to the music. Chris allowed his hands to roam freely over Vin's back and though his hair, then, slowly at first, he too began to sway. Oblivious to the crowed surrounding them the lovers moved in their own world of need and love and affection.

"I thought he'd at least get to ten," Buck commented, then he turned around within the circle of Angie's legs. "My work here is done," he said in a low over dramatic voice.

"Buck honey?" Angie responded.

"Yes darlin'"

"Take me to bed or lose me forever!"

As he picked her up and tuned around Angie made sure she pulled his jacket back just enough to ensure the sceptical Darla got a good view of his gun in it's shoulder holster before he carried her away.

The End

There it's all done.
Comments would be most appreciated: ph2217@hotmail