By Sammy Girl
ATF Universe
Disclaimer: Not mine not making any money, just having fun.
Authors Notes: Thanks to Mog for inventing such a wonderful playground and to Firefox for getting me into this and proof reading. This is a direct sequel to He Knows and is set later that day and the next day.
Vin lay on his side listening to Chris sleep, feeling Chris sleep. His deep rhythmic breathing, the odd rustle of the sheet, the occasional movement of the shared mattress, his warm breath on the back of Vin's neck. During the five days they were apart that was what he missed most, that soft kiss of warm air on the back of his neck. Even though he was dog-tired Vin fought sleep; he wanted to enjoy the feeling of being home, being with Chris, belonging, not only needing but needed.They had made love three times that night. The first time, just two feet in side the front door, was fast, hard and desperate. From that point a trail of discarded clothing lead to the bedroom. The second time had been erotic, passionate, all consuming. Finally some time later there had been a third time, slow, easy, lingering and gentle. Chris had fallen asleep almost immediately, as they lay spent and contented, spooning in the centre of the bed.
Vin felt Chris roll away a little, the soft warm kiss on his neck was lost. Slowly so as not to wake his lover Vin rolled over so he could feast his eyes if his neck was to be denied. He began to think on the day's strange turn of events. Of all of their team-mates it had been Buck he had most feared finding out about his relationship with Chris. Afraid the affirmed ladies man would reject them both, that he wouldn't even try to understand, would be uneasy in their company, that he, Vin, would destroy the friendship Chris and Buck shared, destroy Chris' last link to Sarah, his anchor. Well he had to admit he had been one hundred per cent wrong about Buck.
ooOOOoo
Chris kept telling Vin the bad things that had happened to him, the good things denied him, like love, companionship, friendship, trust were non of his fault. But he had believed for so long that part of the reason fate seemed to hate Vincent Michael Tanner so much was because he desired men, had even slept with men, it was a hard belief to just disregard. His desires were unnatural, against the laws of God and man, he had upset the balance of nature, and fate was punishing him for his wickedness. Until the fourth of July he had been celibate for over four years. And as if to prove his theory, after so long denying him self the basic comfort of the caress of another human being, fate gave him six friends, who were more like brothers, and the perfect job. Then he had fallen in love, and try as he might he couldn't restrain himself, the primeval forces inside him and everyone could not be denied. Fate he knew would bide her time and take revenge for his weakness.
If that were not true he would not have been living in fear, sneaking around, afraid of discovery. If what he was, what they did was okay, and then they would not be hiding it from the world. More than anything Vin wanted to shout from the rooftops. "I am loved! I am needed; I make a difference to someone! I'm not a nobody because Chris Larabee loves me!" But he couldn't because it was illicit, secret love. Discovery could cost them their jobs and their friends. He knew he only had Chris for a short time, knew his happiness wouldn't last long, it never did. True this time it had been total happiness, and it had lasted much longer than ever before, but still it was borrowed and would have to be returned one day. Fate would not let Vin Tanner be happy forever. So he made the most of it, basked in it, like now, not giving in to sleep because then he couldn't gaze upon his beloved, he might loses a few minuets time with Chris, and who knew how many he had? No, he couldn't waste any of them.
Oh and God Chris was worth gazing at! He was in Vin's eye perfect. His beautiful hazel green eyes were perfect. His lean well-muscled body was perfect. His smile, that usually only Vin got to see regularly, was perfect. That blond hair always short and neat but oh so strokeable was just perfect. His mouth, oh what it could do to Vin, it was beyond compare. And as for the principal object of Vin's desire? Not only was it perfect but what Chris did with it was not just perfect but down right heavenly. He never thought about their age difference, to him sixteen years was nothing. Chris did worry, he knew that, he had even asked Vin why he was attracted to someone so much older, seeing, as Chris saw it, he could have anyone, man or woman, he wanted. Vin had been unable to answer; to him it was not a question, how could he not love Chris that was a question.
At least that was how he used to think, but Buck had changed all that, or some of it. His words and actions, his whole attitude, had done more to ease Vin's insecurities than all Chris words of reassurance. Never, not in all his twenty-six years, had Vin heard a strait man talk that way, it was a revelation and a half. What if he was not alone, could there really be others out there like Buck? No, he had to admit there was no one like Buck, he was defiantly unique. But could there be others who thought like him? Of course he knew there were people who had no problem with it, but they were not the kind of people Vin worked with, met in every day life. If Ezra and Josiah knew, then they had done nothing to indicate it, or that they minded. Now that he thought about it he and Ezra both used the gym at the federal building and often showered together. If Ezra knew and it worried him surly he would not want to be naked in such close proximity to Vin? Maybe things would work out, maybe fate could be cheated, maybe just maybe he would allow himself a glimmer of hope this time.
ooOOOoo
He watched Chris sleep for a long time, how long he couldn't say, but he was startled when Chris suddenly spoke.
"Hey baby why the tears?" he asked sleepily.
Vin hadn't even been aware he was weeping, only Chris sudden question alerted him to the cool trail of moisture running down both cheeks. He quickly wiped them away, averting his eyes.
"Come on tell me, what's wrong?" Chris implored.
"Nothin', nothin' is wrong, that's jist the problem." Vin continued to look down his hair falling forwards and obscuring his face.
Chris said nothing; instead he reached out and pulled Vin to him, settling the slighter man's head on to is shoulder, curling his arm around him. Vin sighed as he felt the smooth warmth of Chris' skin touch his.
"Old Buck he really surprised me today and I been trying to work out why," Chris stated.
"Buck's a good guy, a good friend," Vin affirmed.
"I know that, God I know that better than anyone. It's me I don't understand. Why did I think he would mind? I've been thinking on it, Buck can be very crude and coarse…"
"That he can," Vin agreed with more relish than Chris thought necessary.
"Mmmm, well in all the years I've known him I can't ever remember Buck making one anti gay remark, I never heard him join in when we were cops and the men were well…well you know what I mean."
"Yeah I know."
"I did, I'm ashamed of it now, maybe even then a little, but I did join in. But Buck never, not once that I can remember. Now why didn't I remember that?"
"I don't know. But I do know that them that shout the loudest that they hate it are usually the ones who are hiding it in them selves, I know I was."
"You too?"
"Yeah, especially in the army. Now Buck, he knows for sure he's strait, so I guess he don't need to prove nothin'."
"Me thinks they doth protest too much," Chris miss quoted.
"Ay?"
"Hamlet; them that say they are innocent the loudest are usually the guilty ones."
"Didn't I jist get though saying that?"
"So you did."
"Ya think he's right about Josiah and Ez?"
"Don't know. I do know Buck doesn't give himself much credit, underestimates his own abilities. I don't think just 'cause he saw through us so easily it was as easy for the others, even for Josiah and Ezra."
Vin remembered the comment about Buck's IQ.
"So what is Buck's IQ?" he asked trying to make it sound casual.
"You know I can't tell you that, but let me ask you something. If you had to rate the team by brains starting at the top what order would you put us in?"
Vin sat up so he was looking down at Chris, lying there illuminated in the moonlight that filtered in though the open window. He pondered the question a little.
"Well," he said eventually. "JD is as smart as any person I ever met or ever even heard of." He looked at Chris, who nodded. "And Ez he's near as smart as the kid." Again Chris nodded. "Well, no offence lover but I reckon Nathan and Josiah are about as smart as each other and that's pretty damn smart."
Chris grinned as he gently shook his head.
"You?" Vin asked.
"Nope."
"Well it sure as hell ain't me so that just leaves Buck," he thought about his own logic, there was no disputing it, but still it was hard to reconcile the two Buck's. Because Buck sure didn't act smart. "I don't get it why does he act so…so…"
"Dumb, stupid, ignorant?" Chris asked.
"Well yeah."
"He don't act, you must know by now with Buck what you see is what you get. A persons IQ is no reflection of their education, or up bringing, look at you."
Vin frowned, he knew he was the bottom of the list, Chris didn't have to rub it in.
Chris continued. "He once told me he didn't start school till he was seven and he went to at least twelve schools in the first eight years, but he couldn't be sure 'cause he couldn't remember them all. To have had your education that badly disrupted and still graduate college, you need some real brains."
"I guess." Vin was still frowning.
"You aren’t bottom you know."
Vin's eyes locked onto Chris'; sky blue met forest green in the pale moonlight. The telepathy between them was as strong as ever.
"You, me, Nate and Josiah were not far behind old Bucklin, and there's only three points between the four of us." He stopped there.
"Oh no you don’t', you can't stop there. If I ain't bottom who is?"
"Well Nate and Josiah have the same score, and it's not as good as yours."
"So that means…" Vin watched Chris raise his eyebrows and widen his smile.
Chris saw the truth dawn on Vin. "I do get to be boss you know."
"Well that explains a lot, no one with half a brain would be our boss!" Vin said grinning from ear to ear.
Vin lay back down beside Chris; he kissed his beloved's shoulder, worked his way slowly along the top of the shoulder up his neck to the ear. Chris had particularly sensitive ears. Nibbling gently on the lobe he was rewarded with a sigh, after some time he releases the sensitive little spot and before Chris could protest moved to his mouth. Chris might, at least in Vin's eyes, be the world greatest kisser but he flattered himself he was no slouch in that department either. Certainly his attentions got a very satisfactory response. Chris initially went completely limp and moaned softly as Vin's tongue worked it's magic, finally he began to respond in kind. After a prolonged session of mutual kissing Chris pulled away.
"What?" asked Vin disappointed.
"You know we have to work tomorrow, and while you may be able to fuck all night and still be bright eyed and bushy tailed in the morning this old body needs it's rest. Besides I don't think I could right now even if I tried."
"Chris."
"Yeah."
"Tomorrow is Saturday," Vin pointed out, barley able to suppress a smirk at Chris expense.
"So, this ranch don't…"
"Run it's self, I know," Vin finished Chris' often-used litany.
Lying back down, he again rested his head on Chris shoulder.
"Work," he started. "It's not going to be the same is it?"
"No I guess not. Do you sometimes what to shout our love from the roof tops?"
"Everyday."
"Me too," Chris pulled Vin even closer. "I want too, but given the opportunity would I have the courage to actually do it?" Chris asked himself.
"Don't you wish we could just for once kiss in front of someone else, that we could be our selves at least with the guys?" Vin asked wistfully.
"Well we can in front of Buck, but yes I want the guys to know, but not if it's going to change things, it's not worth that."
ooOOOoo
I say these things but do I really believe them? Do I really want them to know? Chris considered. Buck had made the prospect less scary and he had been pleasantly surprised that he didn't mind that his oldest friend knew, Buck had made it seem so okay, so matter of fact. Still he was concerned about the others. If he were given hassle because he associated with Nathan on the grounds that Nathan was black would he disassociate himself or try to hide his friendship, no of course not. On the contrary he would go out of his way to be seen with Nathan. But then he hadn't been raised to believe that being black was sin, and a perversion, that being black meant you weren't fit to walk on God's green earth. But that was what his father had raised him to believe about gay men, men like Vin and now men like him.
He told Vin what they did was not wrong. And when it was just the two of them, when it was like it had been that night he knew it was right because nothing that beautiful, that made him feel that good could be wrong. But outside, in the real world, he knew as he said it he was lying to himself and Vin, and he hated it. He wanted to believe it, logically he believed it but deep down everything his father had taught him, everything the male dominated world of law enforcement in which he lived and worked had drummed into him, what society expected of him, invaded his logic and chipped away at it.
Vin had finally given in to his body's need for rest, and was sleeping, safe in Chris' arms. Now it was Chris' turn to gaze not just in adoration but to consider not for the first time his great good fortune. He finally pushed his fears and doubts aside and joined his lover in the arms of Morpheus
ooOOOoo
Vin's luck was in come the morning, more that once as it turned out. And by eleven they were just getting to breakfast. Vin was wearing Chris' bathrobe, which was much too big for him, and trailed on the ground, he hadn't bothered to do it up as he buttered his toast. Chris had a long navy towel wound around his waist as he drank coffee and watched CNN.
"Hi you two!" Buck's voice boomed from the front of the house as he let himself in. "You ready?"
"Shit!" Vin swore as he garbed the robe to himself, fumbling with the cord.
After recovering his wits Chris stood up to meet Buck as he let himself in. Buck, as was usual, just walked strait to the kitchen and made himself some coffee, with a bemused and somewhat irritated Chris in his wake. Leaning up against the counter and listened to the washing machine, a look of devilment spread across his open face as he looked at his two friends.
"Well, well, well, it's eleven o'clock, you're not dressed, you've both just showered, and the sheets are in the wash, Vin you got lucky this morning didn't ya? Last night too I'll bet. You lucky son of a bitch!"
Buck watched as Vin turned bright red and Chris white as the sheets in the wash. Maybe having someone as intuitive and uninhibited as Buck in on the secret wasn't so great.
"You're enjoying this aren’t you?" Chris accused.
"Oh you bet, you seem to forget apart from Nate you're the only ones with a significant other and Nathan's no fun to tease. But that’s beside the point you need to dress quick or it'll be here, horses done?" He took in their appearance one more time. "No I guess not, poor things must be starving, I'll start you two hurry up though."
With that he downed the rest of the coffee and headed for the back door.
"Just hold it," Chris called out after him. "What 'll be here?"
Buck turned with for the first time a look of concern.
"Your entire winter feed delivery, you asked me to help, offered me a night on the town in return! God how could you forget! Wait don't answer that, just hurry up!" With that he was out of the door and jogging over to the barn.
"Shit!" Vin and Chris exclaimed together and ran for the bedroom.
The End
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