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Learning to Improvise…
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Vin woke slowly. Keeping his eyes closed, he took stock of his surroundings. Lavender and sandalwood. Warm skin. Slow, steady breathing. Soft mattress. Vin smiled, and snuggled into the warm body he was wrapped around. His whole body sang with that ‘life is good’ feeling he’d been missing. Don’t get any better’n this. It jus’ don’t.Vin spent several minutes enjoying the opportunity to wake up the way he liked best, reveling in life’s simple pleasures. Safety, contentment, and comfort had been rare things in his life, and Vin intended to lock away this moment in his memory forever. Slowly, after indulging himself completely, Vin opened his eyes. The lack of real light in the room told him the sun wasn’t up yet. It would be another hour or so before dawn.
Vin smiled when he realized the window was still open. The faint breeze coming in brought with it the early morning chill, and the sound of birds beginning their daily morning chorus. That sound was likely what had awoken him in the first place. He had spent the majority of his life waking with the rest of the natural world.
Vin sighed softly, and stretched, careful of his leg, knowing it would be stiff. He grinned, remembering last night. His leg hadn’t been the only thing that had gotten stiff. He placed a kiss on the bare shoulder closest to him, wondering how he’d managed to get through life before he’d met Ezra. The man just kept surprising him.
Ezra had returned to the room bearing more than just pie. He’d come with a bucket of warm water, and a bar of soap, as well. Vin had raised his eyebrows when he saw what Ezra was carrying. "What you plannin’ ta do with that?"
Ezra smiled. "I thought you might appreciate the chance to remove some trail dust."
Vin would have loved a bath, but he didn’t see how that was an option. He wasn’t going to be allowed to leave the room. "I won’t fit in that bucket, Ez."
Ezra had laughed, a delighted peel of amusement, which Vin would have given his right arm to hear again. Ezra rarely laughed like that, so open and free. Green eyes sparkled, positively dancing with good humor as they measured Vin’s form. "No. No, you certainly wouldn’t fit."
"Then how—"
"Sponge bath, my dear man. Not as good as a real bath, but certainly better than remaining as you are at the moment."
Vin helped Ezra strip him out of his clothes until he was as naked as the day he was born. Vin smiled invitingly. "You gonna join me?"
Ezra’s eyes were still dancing, as he ever so slowly stripped out of his clothing. Ezra shot him a sly glance, hands poised in the middle of undoing the pearl buttons of his shirt cuffs, his chest bare to Vin’s appreciative eyes. "A gentlemen must never make his guests feel uncomfortable."
Vin nodded sagely, enjoying this little tease. "I can see how you bein’ dressed an’ me bein’," Vin waved a hand to encompass himself as a way to illustrate his point. "Yeah, the gentlemanly thing ta do would be for you to join me." He winked. "For the sake of propriety, an’ all that."
Ezra chuckled. "Propriety, but, of course. For appearance sake."
Vin grinned. "I’m beginnin’ ta think bein’ a gentleman ain’t all bad."
Ezra laughed again, making Vin’s spine tingle with delight at that sound. He then proceeded to gently, and thoroughly wash the trail dust of four days from Vin’s lean form. His touch was soothing and arousing at the same time. Vin never would have guess that having Ezra wash his fingers and toes could be such a turn on. There wasn’t a spot on him that Ezra didn’t lavish with special attention. Vin was so hard he was aching by the time Ezra finished with his sponge bath.
Vin was disappointed that Ezra wouldn’t let him do the same to him, saying he was wounded and shouldn’t exert himself. That didn’t stop Ezra from washing his own limbs, teasing Vin with the ‘look but don’t touch’ expression he wore the whole time. He took exaggerated care and drew attention to each body part with every movement. Despite being completely naked, Ezra some how managed to turn something so simple into a wonderfully erotic game of show and tell. Vin could do nothing else but lay back and enjoy it.
Vin loved looking at Ezra. He had developed an appreciation for the clean lines, and nicely compact form that made up his lover. The way those long fingered elegant hands found a counterpoint of equal grace in his feet. The fine boned, refined shape that became apparent in the slender wrists and ankles. Well-muscled calves and thighs were testimony to the amount of time the man spent in the saddle. A flat stomach, and nicely muscled upper body completed the package.
Vin had found breathing incredibly difficult watching his lover go about something so simple as bathing. The man was gorgeous. Vin appreciated every minute of it of Ezra’s little show, and was thrilled when he realized Ezra was enjoying his perusal as well. Ezra’s eyes seemed to glow like a cat’s, a tell-tale sign of his pleasure.
Vin never would have suspected his ‘oh, so proper’ lover enjoyed showing himself off this way. But then he hadn’t expected to like it as much as he did either. He asked Ezra if there was a word for it, certain that if there was, Ezra would know it.
Ezra smiled wickedly, clearly delighted with the question. "You would be a voyeur. Which in this case, would make me an exhibitionist. Albeit a rather selective one."
"Damn right." Vin growled. There had been more than just a touch of possessiveness in his tone. "Nobody else gets ta see you this way."
"No. No one else." Ezra said, his voice little more than a husky whisper.
Ezra stretched out next to Vin on the bed. He leaned in and kissed him. "Damn shame I can’t wash your hair as well." Ezra murmured in a soft whisper when he pulled away, his fingers carding through Vin’s long locks.Vin groaned. He loved having Ezra wash his hair, almost as much Ezra seemed to love doing it. It always felt so good Vin all but purred when Ezra did it. "Next time." He panted, still breathless from that kiss.
"Agreed." Ezra then worked his way down Vin’s torso planting tiny kisses along the way, and leaving a trail of fire in his wake. Vin’s hands were free to roam over the expanse of soft skin now so close. Nothing he’d ever touched felt as good as Ezra did. There was nothing to compare it to.
Vin’s touch pulled little sighs and whimpers from his lover. Over the past month he learned just where and how Ezra liked to be touched. Vin wanted Ezra to feel as good as he did so he paid special attention to what his lover liked using those soft vocalizations as cues.
When Ezra would have continued to work his way further down Vin’s abdomen to engulf his leaking cock with that talented mouth and tongue, Vin stopped him. Ezra raised an eyebrow. Vin smiled. "Want it… to be both o’ us."
Ezra sighed. "One of these days we will have to explore the option of mutual fellatio, but for now I think it best to skip such lessons."
Vin stared at him. Totally amazed that his lover could still make complete sentences like that. He was lucky that he could speak at all. "More lessons?"
Ezra shook his head. "Not today. Perhaps later." Ezra gently patted Vin’s wounded leg. "We don’t wish to over do this."
"I won’t break."
"Good." Ezra said. He made his way back up Vin’s chest to nuzzle the spot on Vin’s neck that made always made him go weak in the knees. Ezra worked his way up one side of Vin’s neck to let his tongue rim Vin’s ear. "I wouldn’t want someone who broke easily." Ezra’s voice was a dark whisper of passion.
Vin shivered. "Please, Ez. Please." Vin wasn’t sure if if was possible for a man to come without ever having his cock touched, but he was pretty sure if Ezra didn’t do something soon, he just might find out.
Ezra lowered a hand, letting it ghost over Vin’s chest, to encircle his throbbing cock. Vin arched into his hand, thrusting hard, amazed as always by just how good that felt. He reached out to fist Ezra’s cock at the same time, wanting his lover to share in his pleasure.
Ezra moved to kiss him. Their tongues dueled for dominance, even as their hands and hips moved in concert. Vin shuddered, feeling like he was teetering on the brink of a cliff. He opened his eyes when Ezra lifted his head, breaking their kiss. Blue eyes met green. The love and lust, pleasure and passion were so readily visible for a moment Vin couldn’t breathe, lost in the depth he saw there. Then he was coming so hard he saw stars. He was only dimly aware that Ezra had come with him.
Vin laid there panting, unable to do anything more complicated than that for several minutes. Ezra lay still with his head buried in Vin’s neck. He could feel Ezra’s harsh panting breaths against his shoulder. Vin raised a hand to run it soothingly down Ezra’s spine, over and over again.
When Ezra recovered, he cleaned them both up. He offered Vin the silk shorts he’d been wearing. Vin had frowned, not ready to get dressed. He liked being naked with Ezra. Liked having nothing between them when they slept.
Ezra looked apologetic. "One of the others still might stop by. It would be best if we were not literally caught with our pants down."
Vin pursed his lips at the mention of the others, and reluctantly agreed. He took the shorts. "This mean you ain’t gonna sleep with me?"
Ezra smiled softly. "Of course not." The gambler pulled on his own pants but left his shirt and jacket where he’d draped them over the chair. "It just means we need to be ready to move at a moments notice."
He joined Vin on the bed, offering him his piece of pie, which had sat languishing on the dresser. He’d also brought a small pitcher of chilled milk. Vin hadn’t drunk milk in years, but he knew better than to refuse it when Ezra offered him a mug. He was pleased to find that it went very well with his pie.
Vin hesitated for a moment. He didn’t really want to ruin the mood. This brief interlude had been wonderful, but he really couldn’t leave things this way without saying something. Ezra had come very close to shooting Josiah only a few hours ago, and he still didn’t know why. If one of the others did happen to show up, the last thing Vin wanted was a repeat of that scene.
"We need to talk."
"I know. I have not forgotten." Ezra said softly. "Just not tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Okay?"
Vin nodded, accepting that. He’d get nowhere by pushing. If he pushed, Ezra would pull away, and clam up tighter than a drum. If he gave Ezra the room he needed, Vin had no doubts that Ezra would eventually tell him what he wanted to know.
They finished off their desserts together in silence. Ezra put the plates and mugs on the dresser before coming back to the bed. Together they curled up, more than ready to sleep. Ezra had snuggled in close, his head pillowed on Vin’s shoulder. They were both soundly asleep in no time. Sometime during the night they must have shifted so that Ezra was on his side and Vin spooned in tightly behind him.
Vin shook himself out of his thoughts. Never been one ta daydream ‘fore. Course I didn’t have nothin’ ta daydream about either. He reluctantly pulled away from Ezra, thinking now would be a good time to take care of his usual morning business. The early rays of a false dawn were providing enough light to see by.
He thought he could be out and back before Ezra even noticed he was gone. The gambler shivered, and mumbled something unintelligible as he burrowed more deeply into the covers, shifting to close the distance Vin had created. Vin moved away again, preparing to roll out. A hand captured his wrist in a tight hold stopping him.
Ezra opened one eye. "And just where do you think you are going?"
"Gotta use the privy."
Ezra shook his head. "No."
"No?" What the hell does he mean, no?
"Use the chamber pot."
"Ah, Ez, I hate those things."
"Don’t care. You’re not supposed to be wandering around."
Vin rolled his eyes. "I’m not gonna wander around."
Ezra smiled. "Good. Use the pot."
Vin frowned. "Yer as bad as Nathan."
Ezra’s smile grew into a grin. "You didn’t have any complaints last night. Although, if you truly fail to appreciate the difference, I can always leave you to Mr. Jackson’s tender mercies in the future."
Vin sighed heavily. Never know with Ezra. He might just be serious. "Okay. Okay. I’ll use the damn pot." Vin reached under the bed, found the pot, and made use of it.
Ezra nodded, satisfied. He sat up with a yawn, eyes blinking slowly. The man could become awake and aware at a moment’s notice when the situation called for it, but he preferred to wake up slowly. Ezra glanced around. "Good Lord. The sun isn’t even up yet."
Vin tried hard not to smirk at the note of surprise and disgust in Ezra’s voice. Ezra was not a morning person. If the gambler had his way, the day would never start before ten in the morning at the very earliest. To Vin’s amazement, the gambler got out of bed, and began to pull on the rest of his clothes. "What are ya doin’, Ez?"
"Unless I am mistaken, I still have morning patrol. No point in going back to bed now." Ezra stretched, arms fully extended over his head, back arched slightly. Vin took a moment to appreciate the view, relishing in the sight of muscle rippling beneath smooth skin.
"You will obviously not be taking it." That statement was accompanied with a stern look at Vin, and redirecting the tracker’s attention back to the subject at hand. "JD took my shift at the jail last night, but no other arrangements were made for this morning."
"We still need to talk." Vin said softly. Last night, he’d let Ezra distract him from what had happened. He’d accepted that Ezra needed some time, and had let Ezra take the lead. If the gambler wanted to ignore it for a little while, Vin was not going to argue about it. It was merely delaying the inevitable. They both knew they’d have to talk about it some time. Vin had planned to wait until later in the day, let Ezra sleep himself out before bringing it up, but that wasn’t an option now. Ezra will have ta be at the jail in another hour. Once he leaves he won’t be back until noon. And I got a feeling Chris won’t want too long after that fer his answers. Man ain’t known for his patience.
Ezra froze. He took a deep breath, and then another. The gambler sighed. "I should probably have said something to you long before this."
Vin waited patiently. Ezra’s fingers worked swiftly on buttoning his shirt. He tucked in the tails and slipped into his jacket. Ezra lit the lamp, providing them with additional light. He checked his watch, and nodded. He waved a hand toward the bed. "You might as well get comfortable. This may take awhile."
Vin bunched up the pillows behind him so he could lean comfortably against the headboard. Ezra sat down in the chair. Vin wasn’t sure if the distance between them was a good thing or not, but decided not to push it.
Ezra’s face transformed itself in the pleasantly bland expression he normally wore while playing poker. Vin tensed, already worried. Whenever Ezra got that look away from a card game, it didn’t seem to bode well. He stared at the wall silently for several minutes.
"You said that what happened last night was related ta yer nightmares." Vin offered hesitantly, thinking Ezra might need some help delving into whatever this was.
Ezra nodded. "Indeed." He took a deep breath, and seemed to brace himself. Vin was reminded of seeing a condemned man getting ready for his execution. Lord, I hope this ain’t that bad.
"Do you remember me telling you about my time aboard the Esmerelda?"
"Yeah." No way am I gonna forget that. Ya damn near died when that ship went down. It was the first piece of Ezra’s past he’d ever given to Vin.
Ezra wouldn’t look at him. His eyes remained fixed on the far wall. "I didn’t tell you everything."
Vin nodded, not at all surprised. "Didn’t figure ya did."
Ezra’s lips curled briefly into a sad smile. "You are definitely unique, my friend. Most others would be offended if they knew I withheld information."
"Yer life. Figure it’s yer right ta tell as much of it as ya want to. I’m jus’ glad ya felt free ta share as much of it with me as ya have." Vin knew just how much trust there had to be to feel comfortable talking about one’s past. It wasn’t something he’d ever done casually, and he was sure Ezra hadn’t either.
He shrugged one shoulder carelessly. "Ain’t told you everythin’ ‘bout my past either." He felt compelled to add that, wanting Ezra to understand why he so readily understood. Ezra nodded, his smile genuine this time. Vin knew he’d gotten it. Only other person who ever really gotten him so quickly was Chris.
The smile vanished as suddenly as it appeared. Ezra’s posture remained stiff. "What I neglected to tell you was, St. John did not agree to Mother’s proposal because there was an open berth on the ship. He didn’t need a cabin boy. Didn’t really want one either."
Vin frowned. Ezra had told him that Maude had somehow managed to end up owing the captain of the Esmerelda a great deal of money. Gabriel St. John, SinJin to his friends, was not a man who she could cheat, or run out on. The debt had to be paid, and Maude bartered Ezra for payment. Ezra had told Vin he’d basically worked as an indentured servant, but Vin didn’t really see any difference between that and slavery. The thought that Ezra’s mother could have sold him, apparently with little thought, and no regrets, and left Vin almost too angry to speak at the time.
Vin hesitated. He wasn’t sure if he should ask more or not. Got a feelin’ this ain’t gonna be good. But I need ta know. Can’t let last night happen again.
"So…why did he take ya on?"
"He liked the way I looked." Ezra’s voice had taken on a matter-of-fact tone. He could be discussing the weather for all the more inflection there was in his voice. His face told another story. It was as closed, and blank, as Vin had ever seen it. His eyes were carefully shuttered, revealing nothing. That told Vin a great deal. A man don’t rein himself in that hard for no reason.
"SinJin had a thing for slender builds, green eyes, and curly hair. He said I looked like an elf, and I rather imagine he may have been right about that." Ezra’s green eyes were dull, almost lifeless, but they still managed to pin Vin in place, almost daring him to look away. "SinJin regarded me with much the same passion that a man generally reserves for a woman. He agreed to take me on board for that reason."
Vin swallowed hard. He was sure he’d misheard or misunderstood what Ezra was saying. That can’t be right "You said you were only thirteen when ya first set foot on that ship."
Ezra nodded. "I was."
Vin balled his hands into fists. Jesus, Mary and Joseph! He wanted to stop Ezra, to forget that he’d forced the man to talk to him. To forget he’d ever asked a question, that he’d ever forced Ezra to dredge up something he so obviously wanted to leave buried. But Ezra kept talking.
"Perhaps it would be best to put this bluntly." Ezra nodded to himself. "At the ripe old age of thirteen, I was put to work as a whore, with my mother bartering my body in payment for her debt." Ezra’s voice had gone hard and cold. It had taken on the same clipped tone he’d used last night when he told Josiah not to touch him.
"She knew what he wanted?" Vin managed to bite out between his teeth, hoping that Maude had made an honest mistake. He’d been incensed when he thought Maude had done what amounted to selling Ezra into slavery, but this was so much more than that. Please, oh please, tell me she didn’t do that to you.
Ezra smiled, a bitter twist of his lips. "Naturally, she knew. Mother is a shrewd woman. She never would have considered offering me to him as payment if she hadn’t been certain he’d accept. Otherwise, he might have been insulted. And that would not have aided her in the least."
Ezra shrugged one shoulder. He was so tense the gesture lacked his usual grace. "She knew he would accept. Mother is very familiar with how tempting one’s vices can be. And the value of being able to exploit those vices to their fullest."
His expression shifted into the self-mocking one Vin detested. "She was sure I would have no objections. After all, why should I? It is not as if I had any say in the matter. It was a golden opportunity for me to see the world, meet interesting people, and learn a useful trade. It wasn’t as if spending time with my mother was a viable option after all. I was far too young to be a service to her in her many cons, but that didn’t mean I couldn’t be of service to another."
Vin was livid. He was shaking, he was so angry. That bitch! The good for nothing, fucking bitch! I’ll kill her. I will skin her, and mount her on the goddamn wall as a trophy. I swear, the next time I see her, it’ll be through my gun sight.
Vin took a deep breath, clenching his hands into fists. He closed his eyes, and clamped his jaw shut tight against saying what he’d been thinking. Ezra didn’t need his anger. And Vin was fairly certain that no matter how the man felt about his mother, he wouldn’t welcome Vin’s sentiments. Blood ties seemed to command a certain degree of loyalty no matter how heinous the crime.
When Vin felt like he could stay in control, he opened his eyes. He realized he may have been silent a bit too long if the expression on Ezra’s face was anything to go by. The man looked like he was ready to bolt. "Ez?"
The gambler flinched at the sound of Vin’s voice. Ezra shifted slightly. Vin recognized the posture. It reminded him of being in the army and soldiers standing at attention. He acts like bracin’ himself for being dressed down.
"I realize this is not what you were expecting to hear, and that now knowing the full story, you may wish to discontinue our current association. It is understandable that a man of your character, someone forthright, honorable, and well respected in the community, would not wish to associate with someone who engaged in what amounts to the world’s oldest profession. I should have fully disclosed my past before allowing this…liaison…to proceed. It was my fault, Mr. Tanner. Entirely mine. I must apologize--"
"No. Stop. No. Ez, I don’t think ya do understand at all." Mr. Tanner? Aw hell. He’s pullin’ away from me jus’ sittin’ there. No. That ain’t gonna happen. Waited too long ta get close. Not gonna lose that now. Ain’t ending anything!
Vin scooted over to the edge of the bed, ignoring the brief flare of pain from his leg. He reached out to grab both of Ezra’s hands, halting the gambler’s move to rise. "Just surprised me. That’s all. I don’t want to call it quits. Never want to do that."
Ezra raised one eyebrow in a blatant look of disbelief. "Please, don’t lie to me. Sparing my feelings, at the expense of your conscience, is not only stupid, but useless as well. The look on your face was rather telling. You were clearly distraught."
Distraught? Hell, I was pissed. Still am. "I ain’t lying, Ez." Vin tightened his grip when Ezra would have pulled away. "Okay fine…I wasn’t just surprised. I was mad as hell too. I wanna kill Maude for doing that to you."
Ezra stared at him in open-mouthed amazement. That was obviously not what he was expecting Vin to say. "What she did, Ez, was wrong. Big time wrong. Know she’s yer mother, and ya lover her, but it wasn’t right. And yer not ta blame for that. You were a kid for God’s sake!"
Ezra looked down and away. Vin placed a knuckle under Ezra’s chin, gently forcing him to look up and make eye contact. "Ya didn’t do anythin’ wrong. An’ I don’t think any less o’ ya. Yer mother shoulda been looking out for you, not offering you up like a newborn lamb ta a hungry mountain lion."
Green eyes were pensive. "Not every one would see it that way. Most would tend to view me as…shop worn. Damaged goods. Soiled. Unworthy of forming a lasting associating with a man of integrity, such as yourself."
"Yeah, well, I ain’t everyone." Vin softly caressed one prominent cheekbone, trying to erase the shame and embarrassment that lightly stained it. "My life weren’t no bed o’ roses, Ez. I don’t judge. Got no right to. I love you. Nothin’ that happened ‘fore I met you is gonna change that. Nothing."
Ezra still looked uncertain. Trying a different track, Vin asked several quick questions. "You think less o’ the workin’ girls here in town? Think they shouldn’t be allowed ta walk the street like everybody else? Should be treated with less respect than any other lady?"
"Of course not." Ezra snapped, clearly offended by the very idea.
Vin nodded. It was the answer he expected. Ezra treated every woman with a certain amount of respect and courtesy. He seemed to show a natural deference to them, no matter what their age, status or occupation. "Well, if they ain’t any less, doin’ what they do…why would you be, for doin’ what ya didn’t have any say in, when you were a kid?"
Ezra hung his head. He sat very still for several minutes. "You realize that not everyone shares that view?"
Vin shrugged. "So? Some people are idiots. No help fer that."
Ezra chuckled weakly. He when he looked up he smiled, tension suddenly easing out of him. He leaned forward and kissed Vin. "Have I told you, Vin Tanner, that I love you?"
Vin grinned. "Not today."
"I love you, Vin."
"Love you too, Ez."
Vin tugged on Ezra’s wrist. "Come sit with me." Vin slid back from the edge of the bed, careful not to move his wounded leg the wrong way, and inviting Ezra to follow. The gambler followed, letting Vin cradle him against his chest.
Ezra settled in with a soft sigh. "There is more. I haven’t really explained anything."
"Don’t need to know." Vin said firmly. Not gonna ask for anymore. Shoulda known ta let it lay buried. Man shouldn’t be forced inta tellin’ people about stuff like that. Ought ta be allowed to pick his own time and place.
"Yes, you do need to know." Ezra rested his head tiredly on Vin’s shoulder. "My behavior last night will make no sense without a full explanation. And I owe you that much."
"You don’t owe me anything."
Ezra settled more deeply into Vin’s arms. "I would like for you to know. I really am tired of caring around so many secrets."
Vin hesitated for a second. He vaguely remembered something Nettie had said once. Shared joy is doubled, shared pain is halved. "Sometimes a burden is a lot easier ta carry if ya ain’t got ta carry it alone."
Ezra nodded his head against Vin’s shoulder. "Exactly."
Vin took a deep breath. "Okay then. If you wanna tell me, I won’t stop you. But I’m not forcin’ ya to either. I’ll carry as much as ya ask me to."
"Fair enough." Ezra captured one of Vin’s hands, and intertwined their fingers. "What I told you of my time aboard the Esmerelda was for the most part true. SinJin did take the time to teach me about sailing. I did learn the fine art of navigation, astronomy and higher mathematics. He took me under his wing, and his protection."
"SinJin was good to me, Vin. Far better than any of the relatives Mother saw fit to abandon me to. Many of them would rather have left me to starve if they thought they could get away with it. And all were rather heavy handed in their discipline. Long before I’d met Gabriel St. John, I learned to be wary of people getting within arms reach. Because letting them get that close, meant I might well be in danger. With SinJin, that was never really a concern. It was perhaps the first time in my life when I didn’t need to fear the back of a large man’s hand or his belt."
Vin frowned, not sure what to think. No wonder he don’t like people getting too close. Can’t say I’d blame him. Sounds like people either wanted ta hit him or…screw him. I’d be mighty damn skittish too. Hell, I don’t like people getting too close for some o’ the same reasons. But it ain’t like this SinJin did him any favors. Man was jus’ as bad as his relatives. Maybe worse.
"Sounds almost like you liked this guy." It took a lot of effort for Vin to keep his tone neutral.
"I did like him." Ezra sighed heavily. "And in many ways that made it far more difficult. It might have been a lot easier to deal with if I had simply hated the man."
Ezra cleared his throat. "I know this doesn’t make any sense, but SinJin was someone I honestly liked, and genuinely respected. In truth, I was, at times, in awe of the man. He was the first adult I’d ever met who seemed to take an active interest in me. He didn’t see me as an annoyance, or a burden, or a whipping boy. But like everything, there was a price to be paid."
Vin bit down hard on his tongue to keep from speaking, not wanting to interrupt. Bein’ treated decent shouldn’t cost you, Ezra. Shouldn’t be a price tag on bein’ treated like a person. Damn that man. And damn Maude right along with ‘im.
Ezra’s free hand rose to rub at his eyes. "With no more than a simple gesture, or a certain word, he could strip me of my identity. It took no effort at all, and I was reduced to little more than an object. I was relegated to the status of a toy, or a pet, he kept on board for his amusement. Whatever I might have learned, what other skills I might lay claim to, suddenly had no value. And served no purpose. I might have been learning how to operate a sailing vessel, but there was no one aboard who didn’t know my true place, or my real worth. It was the relative ease with which I could be discounted, that made my time there far from ideal."
Vin squeezed Ezra’s hand trying to offer support through that contact. Ezra squeezed back, and then took a deep breath. "I really had no choice in the matter. Could do nothing to stop it. And I was…at times…afraid to even consider doing so."
"Afraid?" Vin didn’t like the sound of that. "Thought ya said he treated ya good?"
Ezra looked down. "Yes, well, he did. But SinJin could have put me off the ship at any time, leaving me stranded. It would not have been prudent to risk his displeasure. My life was not my own. Powerless doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling."
Vin flashed back to what Ezra had said last night. Kept talking about it being his choice. That his life was his own now. Think I get that. Understand why he reacted so badly ta Josiah. He said all it took was a word, a gesture, ta put him in his place. A place he didn’t want ta be, but couldn’t get outta either. Damn you, Josiah. All you had ta do was keep yer hands to yerself. Vin shook off his thoughts. Ezra was still talking.
"We set sail the same night Mother handed me over to SinJin. The entire crew knew why I was there. Not one would have helped me, even if I had been so foolish as to ask for assistance. I knew the moment I stepped aboard that not one would challenge the captain. I was very much alone, and on my own." Ezra shivered, and Vin pulled him closer.
"Even at so young an age, I was sufficiently astute to recognize the futility of jumping ship. There were places far worse than the Esmerelda. And in a foreign port, not knowing the language, and having no money, there was little I would be able to do to support myself." Ezra snorted disdainfully. "Or rather little I could do that I wasn’t already doing. At least with SinJin, I knew what was expected of me. And there was far less danger of suffering injury."
"He ever hurt you?" Vin asked quietly, wishing he could find this man, and stake him naked in the sun, until his skin turned purple and split like an over ripe tomato.
"Not intentionally."
"That ain’t the same as no." Vin pointed out, not willing to let this go.
"True." Ezra bit his lip. "He hurt me only once. I don’t think he meant to because it never happened again. SinJin was surprisingly gentle and patient. Something I am still grateful for."
"Grateful?" Vin wondered about that. What the hell is there to be grateful for? Man deserves a kick in the teeth. Ain’t right what he did. Don’t give a shit if the man was nice about it. It’s still wrong.
"Perhaps, gratitude is the wrong word. I’m not certain what would be truly appropriate." Ezra turned slightly, so he could fully look at Vin. "You have to understand, that had he wanted to, SinJin could have beaten me bloody, starved me, showered countless abuses, great and small, upon my person. By all rights, I was his to do with as he pleased. No one would have raised a hand to stop him. Although, he chose to label my position as an indentured servant, and treated me accordingly for most of the time, I was in actuality, as much a slave as Mr. Jackson once was."
Ezra smiled wanly. "Survival depends on being able to handle the good with the bad. And many times, it is a matter of simply ensuring there is more good, than bad, that one must tolerate." Ezra shrugged one shoulder. "While it was not my choice to be there, or within my power to do anything about my lot…I was usually well fed, and had a warm, comfortable place to sleep. I had a place where I belonged, where I fit in. I was learning things that would prove useful in the future. And SinJin promised me my freedom after six years. He was a man of his word, and I have no doubt that he would have kept that promise."
Ezra sighed. "I lived for the day when I could take control of my life. I vowed, I would never be in that situation again. That it would be my skills and knowledge that would see me through. In the future, I would never be so lacking in funds, or so deeply indebted, that my body must serve as currency. I would never be so totally at the mercy of another’s whim. And to date, I have never failed to keep that promise."
Ezra hung his head for a moment before looking up to make eye contact again. "After the ship when down, I really was free. Ezra Standish was reborn. He was never even on a ship. He never knew far too much at too young an age. It was like starting over with a clean slate. Unfortunately, my history came with me. And occasionally refuses to stay dead and buried where it belongs."
"Josiah reminds you of SinJin?" Vin’s question came out as more of a statement, but Ezra answered it anyway.
Ezra nodded. "SinJin was not as physically as large a man as Josiah, but he did have a similar presence. The same deep voice, and they share many of the same mannerisms. Sometimes, when he catches me off guard…when I am less in control of my faculties as I was last night…well, it brings memories to the forefront I would prefer to leave in the shadows."
Vin swallowed hard, suddenly worried that he might be responsible for similar transgressions. The last thing he wanted was to cause Ezra pain. "Do the things we do…together…do they bring up bad memories for you?"
Ezra looked at him in stunned amazement. "No. Never. It isn’t the same, Vin. It’s not even close." Ezra released Vin’s hand, and turned so he could raise both of his hands to cup Vin’s face. When he spoke his voice as a soft, almost reverent whisper. "You and I…we are friends. We are equals. Adults. I am not property to you."
He kissed Vin’s right cheek. "I have come to you freely." He kissed Vin’s left cheek. "I have chosen you." He tipped Vin’s head slightly to place a kiss on his forehead. "You have chosen me. Accepted my faults and foibles without condition." He placed a kiss on the tip of Vin’s nose. "You make me whole. With you, I am, content. I love you."
Vin was warmed right down to his toes by what Ezra had said. He was reassured by Ezra’s words. But he needed to be positive. This was too important to get wrong. "The things you teach me…the lessons in how to love a man…they are things he made you do. Things that he DID to you."
Ezra smiled warmly at him. "Where, when, how, and who I learned it from is immaterial. It doesn’t matter." He must have seen something on Vin’s face, because Ezra continued. "I don’t see him when we are together. I never have, nor do I ever expect to. You are, as I said, a unique individual. There is nothing, and no one, with which I can compare you to."
He hugged Vin to him. "If it helps, you can think of it as being the same as my teaching you to read. It doesn’t matter who taught me or when I learned. Only that I know it well enough to teach you."
"But you’ve been havin’ nightmares."
"Not about us." Ezra pulled away slightly. "At least, not the way you mean. My nightmares were about being alone again. At someone else’s mercy. Being terrified of saying or doing the wrong thing. About loosing my place here. Loosing you. Somewhere in my mind that got twisted." Ezra held up his hands, fingers interwoven to illustrate his point. "Past and present got jumbled. Old fears, new circumstances."
Vin nodded. He could understand that. He’d had it happen to him as well. Old demons seldom simply went away. They often reappeared in a new guise.
"So last night?" Vin let the question hang, waiting for an answer.
Ezra cocked his head to one side, eyes focused on the far wall, but not really looking at it. "Last night, I don’t think I was asleep…it was more like being caught in that twilight that exists between being truly awake, and genuinely asleep. Does that makes sense?"
Vin nodded. "Yeah. I get that. Been there once or twice." Vin had been so tired on more than one occasion, that he wasn’t sure at what point he stopped being awake. He’d found himself back in his bedroll, or his wagon, wondering how he’d gotten there. He had to have walked the distance but he didn’t remember doing it.
"When Mr. Sanchez put his hand on my shoulder, and said ‘son’," Ezra winced, "It wasn’t him I heard. And it wasn’t him I was seeing. The apparition I did see, had a rather drastic, and disastrous effect."
"SinJin."
"Yes." Ezra looked away, his expression guilty. "I’d been avoiding Mr. Sanchez for days. I knew my grip on my temper was tenuous at best. I had not slept well for several days, and the nightmares left me rather unsettled. I was afraid that something like last night would happen. He just didn’t understand, and without telling him all this, I wasn’t sure he would ever understand."
"So what are ya plannin’ ta tell ‘em?" Vin’s eyes narrowed in concern. He didn’t like the idea of Ezra having to rehash this for the others. It was bad enough the gambler felt he had to tell Vin. "You don’t have to say anything at all, if you don’t want to. This isn’t any o’ there business."
Ezra’s expression turned rueful. "I rather made it their business last night by nearly killing Josiah."
Vin snorted. "Ask me, he deserved it."
Ezra looked at him in surprise. "He didn’t do anything wrong."
"Bullshit." Vin declared firmly. "He shoulda never disrespected yer wishes like that. Wouldn’t have been a problem if he’d have jus’ done like ya asked him to. If he’d kept his hands ta himself none o’ this would have happened. Ya must have told him more’n a dozen times not ta call ya ‘son’, and not ta manhandle ya. He should have just done like ya asked. Shouldn’t have needed an explanation. Nobody else has ta give one when they don’t like somethin’, no reason you should either."
Ezra tipped his head slightly, conceding Vin’s point. "Be that as it may, the situation has been exacerbated, and I no longer have a choice in the matter. Mr. Larabee has demanded an explanation, and I am in no position to deny him."
Vin grinned. "Yeah, but he said ya could decide how much ta tell him." Vin hugged Ezra. "He was jus’ worried. All he needs ta know is that it ain’t gonna happen again. Don’t need ta know the whole story for that."
Ezra nodded. "I hadn’t…hadn’t planned to tell them as much as I’ve just shared with you." Ezra shuddered. "I really don’t think I could bring myself to divulge all of this to them. Perhaps, a carefully edited version would be sufficient."
"Like what?"
Ezra raised a finger to tap it against his lip as he thought. "None of the paternal figures in my life were what one would call a positive influence." Ezra grimaced. "Far from it. However, they served me well enough, I suppose, by being bad examples."
"So you jus’ tell ‘em that Josiah reminds ya of these bad types. That ‘cause you were exhausted, sort o’ sleepin’ in the chair, havin’ a nightmare, him touchin’ you and callin’ you son sort o’ set you off?"
Ezra cocked his head to one side, considering Vin’s suggestion. "It would be the truth, in so far as it went."
Vin knew that Ezra rarely lied out right. He omitted details, or phrased things a certain way so as to encourage a certain assumption, but he didn’t tell untruths. "Ya think that’ll be enough?"
Ezra shrugged, his expression thoughtful. "Too many parameters to accurately predict any probable outcome."
"English, Ez. English."
Ezra chuckled. "I have no idea if it will be enough. I don’t have enough information to say for certain how they will react. There is no way to lay odds on this. But, it is a gamble I believe worth risking."
Vin nodded. "Okay. We got a plan."
Ezra looked at him, green eyes twinkling with a bit of humor. "Our plans have never been what one would call fool proof."
"That’s just cause we are surrounded by so many fools."
Ezra laughed lightly, and hugged Vin hard. He placed a quick kiss on Vin’s mouth before pulling away. "Hey, where are ya goin’?" Vin protested. He wanted more than that. He wanted to cuddle all morning.
"I still have patrol." Ezra answered. He glanced toward the window through which faint rays of sunlight was now streaming. "I am late."
Vin knew there was no arguing. They both took their duties very seriously. Too many people counted on them to do any less. "When ya wanna talk to the others?"
Ezra considered it for a moment. "When I return from my shift. Mr. Larabee will likely not be willing to wait much longer than that. I suspect that Mr. Wilmington and Mr. Sanchez will probably not show much more patience, in this case, than our illustrious leader."
"We do it here." Vin declared, his tone clearly making that decision final. He knew if Nathan had his way, he wasn’t going to get out of this room for awhile, and there was no way he was going to let Ezra face the others alone. Gotta be there ta make sure things go okay. And ta back him up if they don’t.
"Agreed." Ezra nodded. Before Vin could say anything, Ezra kissed him again. "Stay here. In bed, like you are supposed to. I’ll send someone by with your breakfast." And just that quick Ezra was out the door.
Vin cursed softly. He had wanted to spend a leisurely morning in bed with Ezra. "So much for that plan. Goddamn fools messin’ it up again."
He settled in to wait for whoever Ezra drafted into bringing him food. He hoped they didn’t take too long. He was hungry, and if it took too long, well he’d just go get his own breakfast.
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