It wasn't that far between the jailhouse and the livery stable. I'd walked it plenty of times. Walked it when I was hurt, or maybe had a little too much to drink. Walked it with the others when they was hurt or maybe had too much to drink. I don't ever remember it takin' so damn long before. Pretty near eternity as far as I could tell. And we still weren't there yet.But then, those other times the town folk hadn't thought me and Chris was lovers, either. Or that if we weren't that, then one of us was a liar and the other was a murderin' bastard.
I'd been first out the door of the jailhouse, but now the others had caught up and we were kind of spread out, walkin' in a loose group formation. Lettin' my eyes slide around a bit, I could see Chris was pacin' down the street like a wolf on the hunt just ahead and to the right of me. Buck was in between me and Chris. He was smilin' at a few of the town folk as he passed, but only a couple of 'em answered in kind. JD was to my left. Nervous as hell and tryin' hard not to show it. Ez was strollin' along next to Josiah as if this was a Sunday outin'. Nothin' ever rattled Ez for long. 'cept maybe for Maude. Nathan was just behind me. I could feel him more than see him. Good healers always have this calm, steady sort of presence. And Nate was one of the best. A good thing, too. If this town turned any uglier, we might have need of those skills.
"This is a respectable town. We don't hold with that kind of thing here." Old Missus Jessop. A harridan if there ever was one. Folks say she worried her husband into an early grave. I can believe it.
"Yes ma'am, more's the pity. Not a'tall like the good old days when I heard tell your husband nearly single-handedly supported the local brothel." Ezra smiled and tipped his hat as he passed her, flashin' a bit of gold tooth.
"Well, I never." She huffed.
"Most likely that's why your husband felt the need to indulge himself in that kind of establishment." Ezra stopped and looked back at her. This time he wasn't smiling.
"What's the matter, Standish? Larabee and Tanner don't got nothin' to say for themselves? Or are they in too much of a hurry to be alone?" A cowhand I didn't recognize nudged his companion, laughing.
I stopped. A woman, even an old harridan like Mrs. Jessop, has some leeway. But I didn't have to take nothin' from this son of a bitch.
"I reckon you wouldn't know nothin' about bein' in a hurry now. In fact, I'm bettin' that even if you paid someone a sack of gold to sleep with ya, they'd still be draggin' their feet all the way to bed." I kept my voice real low, so only a few of the people nearby heard me.
"You son of a bitch." I could tell he wanted to take a swing at me, but he wasn't quite ready to do it yet.
Awww hell. I was old enough to know better. Just because I was angry and frustrated enough to beat the tar outta someone didn't make it the right thing to do. So I backed off. But it wasn't easy.
"I don't see how we can possibly feel safe with them here. They murdered poor Mr. Keane in cold blood." The story was already gettin' bent out of shape. Every time it got repeated it would become somethin' worse. No tellin' what me and Chris would wind up bein' held accountable for. Dammit. Why the hell hadn't I kept my mouth shut?
Because then they would've hanged Chris. Or he'd have wound up spendin' his life on the run, always lookin' over his shoulder for a bullet in the back or worse. That's why. Or at least partly why, anyway. I turned my head in the direction of the whispers, tryin' to pinpoint their source. It never hurt to know exactly who your enemies were. Or your friends, if ya had any.
"Mary. Judge." Chris's voice caused me to whip my head back around. He and Buck and the others had stopped just up ahead, near the Clarion office. Looked like Mary and the Judge had just come out of there. I reckon the Judge had somethin' to do with that. Mary hadn't seemed to like the thought that Chris was maybe capable of killin' someone in cold blood. She'd never come right out and said she thought he'd done it, but she'd never she didn't, either. And now this.
I just hoped she still counted herself our friend. Words were her weapon and they were a whole lot sharper than Nathan's knives. I didn't feel up to doin' battle with her and I didn't imagine Chris was all that anxious to cross swords with her, considerin' that before Thomas Keane had come to town, Chris and Mary had been - not exactly courtin' - but givin' it some thought, maybe.
"Chris." Mary Travis glanced in my direction and then looked back at Chris. A tiny frown wrinkled her brow. Like she was thinkin' hard about somethin'. Shit. I knew what she was thinkin' and so did Chris, if the way he was pursin' them lips of his was any indication. The Judge just glanced casually around, taking in the various folk, and then he grabbed Mary's arm and began walkin' with us.
We left Nathan at his clinic and Josiah at his church. Buck, Ez and JD went to the saloon. Mary had gone to Mrs. Potter's. I was beginnin' to feel like one of them damn pony express riders deliverin' the mail. But now it was just me and Chris and the Judge. We walked along quietly, ignorin' the town folk who were busy ignorin' us. Or at least they were whisperin' quiet enough so we could pretend we didn't hear.
"Watch your backs." That's all the Judge said before takin' his leave. But I reckon it was good advice.
"You headin' out to your place?" I watched as Chris saddled up his big black gelding.
"Yeah." Not exactly an invitation to come along. But I hadn't been expecting one.
"We need to talk." I hated sayin' those damn words.
"Yeah." Me and Chris ain't what you'd call great conversationalists.
I saddled up my own horse and we rode out of there, keepin' a sharp eye out for any trouble. But we didn't run into any on the way to Chris's. It was after we got there that the trouble began. When we started talkin'.
"Well, you wanted to talk. Talk." Chris looked at me as he stripped off his black duster and hung it carelessly on a peg by the door.
"I figured you might have somethin' you wanted to say."
"Is this the part where I'm supposed to get down on my knees and kiss your feet in gratitude? Or is there something else I'm supposed to kiss now, seeing as how we're lovers and all."
"Goddammit Chris. I don't want your gratitude. But now that you bring it up, I don't reckon a thank you would do any harm. Hangin' ain't somethin' I'd be sorry to miss."
"Well, you would know."
"Yeah. I would."
"I didn't ask for you to save me. I wanted you to believe me, dammit." He sounded like I should've known. I would've, if it hadn't been for that damn shirt.
"I did believe ya. Mostly."
"Mostly isn't good enough."
"It's gonna have to be."
"Yeah. Like the way our friends mostly believe we ain't lovers. Or maybe mostly believe we are."
"If you're waitin' for me to say I'm sorry, I can tell ya right now it ain't gonna happen, you ungrateful bastard."
"Dammit, Vin. What the hell were you thinking?"
"I was thinkin' about tomorrow." I looked down at the table.
"The dead don't feel any pain, Vin."
"No. But the living do." I was angry again. Stupid son of a bitch. Had to have a semi literate ex bounty hunter explain somethin' so simple.
"So now we both get to suffer. That what you had in mind?"
"Maybe. Hell if I know. I just didn't want to see ya hang. What's so hard to understand about that?"
"What I don't understand is why you had to go and tell half the town we were lovers. You couldn't have thought of something else to say?" So we were back to square one. I had the feelin' I was missin' somethin' important, but I couldn't figure what.
"It seemed like the best thing to do at the time. Jesus, Chris. What do ya want from me?"
"Seems to me like the question ought to be more along the lines of what you want from me?"
Bastard. Arrogant, obnoxious, goddamned bastard.
"What do I want from you?" I stalked toward him, snarling the words. My sudden movement surprised him enough that he backed up a few steps. Enough so that I was able to trap him between me and the wall.
"Vin?" His voice was wary. He liked bein' the one in control, but I wasn't playin' the game his way. Too angry.
"Shut up."
"I think you'd better stop right there. Before you do something we're both gonna regret."
He was lookin' at me. Gaugin' my bluff. But this wasn't a bluff.
"Don't think I'll regret doin' it. You can if ya want. Won't change nothin'."
"Dammit, Vin." Chris's next words were swallowed by the force of my lips. Kissin' him. Bitin' down on the tender flesh til he moaned. My hands came up to grab his shoulders, pushing 'em back against the wall so I could grind my hips against him. Let him feel the truth of what I'd said back in the courtroom.
"God, cowboy. You make me crazy." It was my turn to moan. Chris was so hot. His scent, the feel of his sweat and his skin - they surrounded me - made me hard and ready. I drew back long enough to yank off my heavy coat and unbutton my shirt enough so I could pull it over my head.
Chris just looked at me. His lips were red and the bottom one had swelled up a bit. His blond hair was hangin' over his forehead and I could see the soft curve of his neck against the black collar of his shirt. Damn but I wanted him.
"Vin. I can't. This isn't..." He shook his head as I began unfastening my pants.
"Isn't what? Isn't right? Isn't natural? Isn't what you want?"
Chris shook his head mutely. Not in answer to my question, though. In denial. "Don't fuckin' lie to me, Chris." I took a step forward, grabbed the front of his shirt, and pulled. I could barely hear the sound of the material ripping over the roar of the blood in my ears. Sliding the ruins of his shirt off, I bent my head and began licking at his neck, tasting the salt of his skin. Savoring the warmth, the life I could feel. The life he'd almost lost- I'd almost lost.
"Dammit, Vin. Is this how you want me to thank you? You want me to fuck you?" Chris's voice was hoarse. His body slid against my bare chest as he twisted to the side, tryin' to get away.
I almost said yes. I wanted him that bad.
I gave him one last kiss, pulling him tight against me, digging my fingers into his back. I wanted him to remember this - remember me - every time he closed his eyes.
"Damn you, Chris." I stepped back. The inches between us felt like miles.
"Saying something doesn't make it true, Vin."
"There's more than one kind of truth, cowboy."
I left Chris standin' there and rode out. Truth was, I didn't know a goddamned thing. Not even where I was going.
FIVE
They almost hanged Chris. Jesus, I still can't believe it. And I can't believe how quick everyone forgot all the good he's done since coming to this town. All they seemed to remember during the trial was that he used to be a gunslinger. Not exactly a bad guy, but not a good one either, I guess. They thought it amounted to the same thing.Course, there were a few people who stuck by him. Us. Miss Nettie and Casey. Mrs. Potter. Mary and Judge Travis. Although, it must have been kind of hard for the Judge, seeing as how he had to stay neutral and all.
I know the other fellas had their doubts about whether Chris killed that guy, but I knew he couldn't have done it. Chris was the man who'd taught me you never shoot no one in the back. He would've killed the guy in a fair fight if he was going to kill him. At least that's how I saw it. Up until Chris lied about his shirt.
He said he hadn't worn it in a while, but I saw him wearing it just a few days before the murder. Most of the others don't notice clothes much. Well, except for Ezra. But he wasn't there that day. My mama taught me about a lot about clothes, though. She used to take in sewing sometimes, when she could, to make some extra money for my schooling. So even though Chris has a few black shirts that he wears, I know the one he had on was the same one that they say got torn during the murder.
I didn't say anything about the shirt to anyone. Not even Buck. If Chris did do it, then he must've had a good reason, right? The law ain't always about justice. Sometimes, if you want justice, you have to take care of it yourself. I may be young, but I ain't stupid. And I still couldn't bring myself to really believe Chris was guilty, anyway. I just wasn't sure anymore if he was innocent.
I didn't know what to do when the jury found him guilty. No way could I watch him hang, no matter what. I just hoped me and the others could bust him out in time. And then Vin stood up and said he knew Chris was innocent cause Chris had been with him that night. In his... in his...bed. God... I almost fell out of my chair when Vin said that. How could he say that?
Chris and Vin couldn't... I mean they wouldn't. Would they? What if they are?
Most of the town seems to think they are. They can't see any other reason why a man would admit something like that in front of a courtroom full of people if it wasn't true. I just think folks like to believe in hooey. More interesting than the truth.
Truth is, life ain't been easy for Chris and Vin. Or any of us. Some of the town folk won't talk to us and some of them whisper behind their hands when they see us. Some of them have gone further than that. Vin came close to getting beat up pretty bad the other day. If Josiah hadn't come along I don't know what would have happened. Mostly it's not physical, though. That might be easier to take. But having people look at you like you're dirt is hard.
Josiah's church attendance has fallen off some and there's a few folks who don't want Nate's help and others who won't play cards with Ezra no more. Just because we're friends with those abominations or those lying murdering bastards, depending on whether the person talking thinks Chris and Vin are sleeping together or not.
Not everyone is like that, of course. Just enough of 'em though to make life rough. And it don't help that most of the rest are too embarrassed or too uncomfortable to act like their normal selves.
Josiah preached a really nice sermon this past Sunday about how "many have fallen by the sword, but not so many as have fallen by the tongue". A few of the people there looked ashamed of themselves, but they were the ones who weren't saying much to begin with.
I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm the sheriff, but I can't shoot people just cause they don't want Chris and Vin around no more.
It's only been a few days since the trial. Maybe things will get better soon. They have to. Ezra says living under the shadow of doubt is a dubious pleasure at best. I think he's trying to say that if things don't change, Chris and Vin are probably going to leave town.
But if they leave town, that would be like giving up - saying everyone was right about them. And I can't see either one of them doing that.
Chris and Vin almost seem like they've avoiding each other ever since the trial, but trying not to make it seem like they are. I don't know if the others have noticed the same thing or not, because none of us talk about it much. About whether they're really together like that or not. Not much to say, I guess. Or maybe not much we want to say.
I know I think about it, though. Sometimes I even wonder what it's like. Being with another guy like that. I know Vin said that he was lying to save Chris, but maybe he's thought about it, too. What it would be like. Maybe he wanted it to be true - what he said. I don't know.
I do know that Chris and Vin and the others are about the truest friends a fella can have. And the rest of the town can put that in their pipe and smoke it.
SIX
I've prayed hard these past few weeks, what with Chris's arrest and the trial and the tribulations that followed afterwards.I've prayed that tolerance and understanding will find their way into people's hearts - mine included. Maybe especially mine. "I do not judge as people judge. They look at the outward appearance, but I look at the heart." Words that I've tried to live by, despite having a zealot father whose favorite verses had more to do with the fires of Hell than the divinities of heaven.
But those words were put to the test when Vin stood up and proclaimed him and Chris to be lovers in the fullest sense of the word. I still sometimes hear the echo of hellfire in my ears as I look at the two of them. A little bit of whiskey and a whole lot of hard work on this tumble down church of mine usually makes it go away pretty damn quick, though. Amen.
I've prayed that the Almighty will take a personal interest in recent events and maybe send a miracle or two our way. One proving Chris is innocent of murder and the other proving... I don't know what. That Vin was lying in that courtroom? That he wasn't lying? That it doesn't matter either way? I just pray and leave the decision making up to Him.
The folks here in town don't seem to want to leave a little thing like casting stones to the Almighty, though. Discussing whether Chris and Vin are liars and murderers or whether they're merely a couple of sodomites is just too much for them to resist, I expect. But from where I sit, most of 'em didn't try real hard.
As for Chris and Vin, I'm no mystic or wise man to see into their hearts. Both are men who have walked in shadow, seeing life in shades of grey. Maybe that's why it was so easy for even their friends to doubt. Black and white is so much easier for most people to see and understand.
I have my own doubts. I won't deny it. Couldn't deny it even if I wanted. Chris Larabee is no fool. And Vin is a wiser man than I in many ways. And a better friend.
Greater love hath no man than he lay down his life for his friend. Seems to me Vin Tanner embodies the spirit of that about as well as any man I've seen. Standing up in the courtroom and telling everyone that Chris was his lover just about ended the life he'd built here for himself. Of course, it ended Chris's, too. But it also saved him. Hanging is a permanent sort of situation. Can't be undone.
I'm hoping, and praying, that the seven of us won't be undone by this either. A faithful friend is a strong defense. I just hope it's strong enough. That we are strong enough together.
Already though, I can see the cracks forming. Chris and Vin - there's something wrong between them. Not necessarily the thing everyone is whispering. But maybe it is. I don't know. Not sure I want to know. Knowledge can be a burden to the soul.
The others are having a difficult time of things, as well. Friendship can be as much sorrow as joy. And the shadow of doubt lays heavy on us all.
I do what I can, which isn't much. I managed to be in the right place a few times when Vin or Chris needed me. That was something, I suppose. But not enough.
I don't know what's going to happen. Saying the Lord works in mysterious ways is like saying the ocean has a lot of water.
I do know that I'm going to keep praying and keep doing my best to be the kind of man I'd want to stand as my friend. And you know, that's an awful lot like the men I do call friend.
I haven't seen two of those friends all day, though. I need to go practice what I preach and find them. Let them know they'll always have a place in here, at least. My church may not be fancy, but it's a place to lay your head. And sometimes your heart.
"Hey, preacher." The voice stopped me before I took more than a few steps outside the church door.
"Keane." It's a cousin of the dead man. Still searching for answers now that Chris had been snatched from the jaws of their revenge.
"You going to see Larabee or Tanner?"
"I don't see that it concerns you either way."
"Someone killed my cousin. I'm going to find out who."
"Then I suggest you start looking elsewhere."
"You don't scare me, preacher." But I did. "Besides, I just want to talk to them. Maybe if you're with me, they'll at least consider it." His tone was a little more polite now.
I don't know what made me say yes. Like I said, the Lord works in mysterious ways. But I've learned the hard way never to argue with these gut feelings of mine. Every time I do, I wind up regretting it. And I've racked up enough regrets in my lifetime.
"Come on, then. I can't promise they'll talk to you, but you can ask."
SEVEN
He didn't have anything to do with it, dammit. He didn't fucking do it. And I didn't find out until it was too goddamned late. Until after we'd grappled and fought our way onto my bed, bodies slick with sweat and lips locked together in desperation.We'd been avoiding each other ever since that first day after my trial, when he'd shown me the truth of things. The truth of why I'd been willing to hang for him. The truth of how much I wanted what he was offering. The only truth missing was his. Why he was offering himself to me. Why he'd almost let me hang. So I'd pushed him away. Because I wanted his truths before I gave him mine.
And then I'd heard from Josiah how close he'd come to getting hurt bad by those damned Callahan boys. The ones who think it's their God given duty to stomp out anything or anyone that's different from them. And so I'd tracked him down at the livery and told him we needed to talk. He'd just nodded and rode out to my place with me.
Mainly, I talked. Told him how stupid he was for going around alone like that. Told him if anyone was going to kick his ass it would be me. I told him a lot of things until he finally got tired of listening. Then he decided to do some talking of his own. But he didn't use words. He used his hands. And his mouth. And his tongue. Used them on my body til I was panting and shaking with need even as I cursed him for it.
"Let me in, cowboy. I need to do this." He'd whispered those words in my ear and I was too far gone to do anything but nod. Until afterwards.
"You feel better now that you've made it up to me?" I rolled over away from him as he slid out of me. I couldn't be close to him feeling like I did.
"Made what up to ya?" He was laying on his side looking at me like he didn't have the vaguest notion what I was talking about.
"The trial. The hanging. Remember?"
"Ain't likely to forget."
"Not like the way you forgot to mention that I'd loaned you that shirt. The one that Keane had a piece of."
"What the hell are ya talkin' about, Chris? You're the one who lied about that shirt. Said you hadn't worn it in a while."
"You saved me from hanging Vin and now you've fucked me just like I wanted, right? So we're all square now, right? So now you can tell me the goddamned truth!"
"Go to hell, Larabee."
"Been there a few times already. Can't say I recommend it."
"I never told ya anything but the truth."
"You said we were lovers."
"I wanted it to be the truth."
"Like hell, you did."
"You don't know nothin', Chris."
"I know you had that shirt last, Vin."
"I gave it back to ya three days before Keane was murdered, Chris."
"No."
"Gave it to Nell to wash. She said you was comin' by later to pick up some stuff. Said she'd give it to ya then."
"She didn't."
Neither one of us said anything more. Just got dressed and rode to town to find Nell.
We found her about five minutes before she blew her brains out with Keane's revolver. The one she'd killed him with. The arrogant bastard hadn't considered a mere woman a threat. Not to him. He was the killer. He couldn't conceive of the idea that someone might turn the tables on him like that.
Five minutes. Just long enough for her to tell us that Keane had promised to marry her and take her away from the life she hated if she'd keep her mouth shut about the blood she found on his clothes. For her to tell us that he'd laughed when she tried to hold him to his promise. For her to tell us she wasn't sorry she'd killed him, but she was sorry we were the ones who had to suffer for it. And then finally, to pull the trigger before we could stop her.
Josiah and that pissant cousin of Keane's were right behind us. Following us. So now the whole town knows the truth. Or what passes for truth, anyway.
The truth is that we all live in the shadows of truth. Doubt, fear, even love... they all get in the way. Maybe especially love. I know the others had doubts about me. I had doubts about Vin. The town still doubts all of us every chance it gets. For the most part, it's something you learn to live with, even if you never learn to like it.
Another truth is that I want Vin. But truths can be ignored. Or sometimes lost. Or sometimes they burn up in the light of day.
I do know one truth that is absolute, though. You can't go back. And if you can't go back and there's nowhere to go forward, what do you do?
You do what Vin and I have done. You stay where you are and hope the truth becomes a lie.
The End
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