Heaven's Tears

by Kylie

ATF Universe

Disclaimer: The Magnificent Seven belong to MGM, Mirisch, and Trilogy Entertainment. "In My Arms Again" written by Michael W. Smith. Copyright infringements not intended. Profit will not be made.

Many, many thanks to Heart Quest, Raquel, and Judy

After seeing that the horses were bedded for the evening, Chris glanced around the barn, satisfied with the repairs he'd completed, then stepped outside and secured the door shut just as the heavens opened and rain began to pour. He made a dash toward the house, splashing in deep mud puddles made earlier in the day, all the while cursing the heavy downpour that had plagued the city for much of the week.

Wheezing gasps heaved through him by the time he trudged into the kitchen and slammed the door, and harsh coughs erupted as soon as the heat from the room hit him full blast in the face. He felt as though his lungs were on fire as he leaned weakly against the counter and closed his eyes, resting until his breathing calmed. After several minutes, he reached out a trembling hand to pick up and swallow a dose of anti-biotic pills followed by prescribed cough medication, grimacing at the bitter taste; then closed his eyes again for a moment, willing his stomach not to rebel the liquid.

So far, so good, Larabee. Now Mama Buck can't bitch about you not taking your medicine when he calls.

A small twitch uplifted the corners of his lips as he thought of Buck Wilmington. For more years than he cared to remember, Buck had proven to be a tried and true friend; had remained loyal and stalwart, offering his unconditional support wherever and whenever it was needed, whether it be standing front and center or keeping silent watch in the shadows. He had also, Chris felt shamed to admit, endured more abuse than any one person should tolerate for the sake of friendship.

He sighed, saddened that he was just now beginning to realize the enormity of his good fortune in having people like Buck and the rest of the team in his life. They looked out for him, took care of him and did their damndest to protect him, even if that meant protecting him from himself. They seemed to know when to hover close by or when to give him space.

Like today... especially today when....

He shook his head quickly to expel the haunting images of another life that so readily filled his mind.

Finally, he shrugged out of his duster, hat, and rain boots, absently leaving them in a sodden heap upon the floor then made his way to the living room and over to his favorite perch by the fireplace, shivering as chills crawled down his spine and spread throughout his limbs.

Fuckin' rain. All it does is give people pneumonia.

For a long while, he sat with his arms wrapped around himself, staring at the mesmerizing yellow-orange blaze licking the dry wood, desperately trying to divert his thoughts to anything -- anywhere -- other than the direction they were headed. He mentally went over the last minute details needed for next weeks budget review and noted that he had to remind Josiah that the office's smoke sensory detectors did not like the burning waft of incense regardless of its calming properties.

He refused to think about having to assign a permanent place for Team 7's up-till-now temporary sharpshooter.

And he refused to think of how cold and empty his house had become this past year, and how his own existence had wilted into nothing more than a day to day shell precariously held together by a pretense of normalcy and denials.

However, as they always do, memories reign supreme, whether they're bidden or unbidden. And Chris, finding himself unable to resist the rampant waves of despair and grief that seemed determined to descend upon him, hugged himself tighter, sorrowfully remembering when his house, like himself, had been full of warmth and life; recalling when happiness and love had been bountiful. Without doubt, he owed it all to one special person. One incredible man who'd brought light to a dark soul by offering his love first in a deep, binding friendship and later offering it again in the sharing of his heart, body, and soul... the one who'd for four years been a part -- the best part -- of him...

It was the same man whose selfless heart had been forever stilled by a sniper's bullet exactly one year ago.

Another chill coursed through Chris's weary body; although this time from the deep aching pain of loss that clutched his heart as memories of his gentle lover filled him. Visions of long soft brown hair entwining through his fingers, passion laden blue eyes near black with lust, and a smile that cast away every fear and doubt infused in his mind while a Texas drawl, husky with desire whispered in his ear.

I love you, Cowboy.

Thunder rumbled and lightening splayed across the horizon. Chris stood and walked over to the large picture window, watching dark clouds spin and roll against an angry black sky, an equally angry storm surging through his soul. Long withheld tears flooded his eyes.

Fuckin' rain.

A vivid memory of Vin standing in this very spot on another rainy day flashed in his mind.

"When I was little I always hated the rain 'cause I couldn't go outside. But Ma explained to me that rain is Heaven cryin' happy tears because somebody special went home."

Heaven's tears.

Heaven wept openly the day Vin died.

His chest heaved with emotions he'd been unable to give voice to while tears that he'd been unable to shed flowed as freely as the rain outside.

"Why'd you leave me, Cowboy? Don't you know I don't want to do this without you?"

He slumped against the window, leaning his forehead against the cool glass, deeply buried sobs rising in crescendo.

"It got so cold the day you left."

A clap of thunder shook the window.

And Chris's rage furiously burst forth.

"HE DIDN'T LEAVE ME! YOU TOOK HIM AWAY!" he screamed, pounding the thick glass with his fist, finally allowing all his inner fury and pain of loss reign free. "SON OF A BITCH!"

As though an internal switch had been clicked, the storm died and grief surged as Chris helplessly slid down the side of the window to the cold, hard floor, curling into himself, steady soul-deep sobs pouring from his once again shattered heart.

"Don't you know that I can't breathe without you?"

+ + + + + + +

Chris groaned as he snaked out one arm from beneath the covers and fumbled for the blaring alarm clock, swearing vividly when he couldn’t find the right button.

"Jesus, Larabee, will ya just shoot it already?" a muffled sleep-laden voice asked, it's owner still buried deep in the blankets.

Chris chuckled as he pulled the covers back over his own head and drew the man lying in his arms more snugly against him.

"Mornin', Cowboy."

"Hmm, mornin'."

Chris nuzzled his cheek against his lover's tousled head, then planted a kiss on the same spot, smiling when Vin mewled softly, his breathing even and deep.

"Vin?"

"Hmm?"

"We have to get up, Pard."

"Can't. Too tired; you wore 'im out last night."

"Oh yeah?" Chris let his hand lazily drift over Vin's narrow waist, sliding it down to flutter over the taut stomach, pausing to tease as the muscles twitched, then moved lower to lightly caress the soft penis and balls.

"See? Told ya he's too tired."

Chris removed his hand and threw back the covers, pushing Vin onto his back and deftly moved to lie atop him, grinning at the deep blues that twinkled with mischief.

"You're an imp."

"Better than bein' a cowboy, I'd say," Vin replied, wrapping his arms around Chris and dancing his fingers down the strong back, suddenly grabbing the rounded cheeks -- laughing when Chris gasped sharply -- kneading and squeezing while pushing his hips upward, his hardening shaft grinding against its mate, thoroughly enjoying how easily those smoky green eyes lustfully glazed over. "You sure we have to get up?"

"You're an evil imp," Chris said, grinding his hips downward. "Yeah, we have to get up." Regretfully, he started to slide off, but instead found himself drowning in an ocean of blue. He felt helpless and unwilling to do anything but lower his mouth and claim the plush lips that offered themselves to him, sighing as he eased his tongue into the honeyed cavern that he so craved, plundering its nectar until they were both breathless. Finally, he broke away.

"God, I love you, Vin."

"I love you, too, Cowboy."

The alarm clock blared.

"Shit! I thought that damn thing was off!" Chris moved to sit on the side of the bed then picked up the clock, shutting if off with a snap of his hand. Smirking, he turned his best glare upon his laughing lover.

"You know, Chris, sometimes I wonder how you ever made it to team leader." His gaze grew innocent. "I mean, you really have to wonder about a man who's not able to tell the difference between the off button and snooze bar."

"Evil, evil imp!"

+ + + + + + +

Chris awoke and sat up looking around, vaguely wondering why he was on the floor, Vin's laughter still ringing in his ear. A strong sense of melancholy swept over him as he remembered his dream... it had been of one of their last mornings together. He frowned deeply and closed his eyes, recalling the face that to him had been utter perfection, the so-full-of-life blue eyes that would never twinkle again, the lips that he would never again taste.

Slowly, he stood unsteadily and looked outside, surprised that the rain had stopped and that the moon was breaking through the clouds. He turned and glanced around the room; it was dark and empty except for the glowing embers of the fireplace... images of making love by the hearth playing in his mind.

Dark and empty... just like him.

After making his way into the kitchen, he picked up his medications and started toward the bedroom, stopping when the phone rang. Talking to anyone was the last thing he wanted to do, but he felt sure the caller was Buck and knew that if he failed to answer his friend would soon be knocking on his door. He grabbed the phone and sat down on one of the barstools.

"Larabee."

"Chris. You okay?"

"Yeah, Buck. I'm fine."

"Right. You sound more hoarse. You getting sicker?"

Chris sighed heavily. "No, Mother. I got caught out in the rain after feeding the horses then fell asleep while I was drying off by the fireplace." He sighed again as he heard a sharp intake of breath from the other end.

"Damnit, Chris. You take your meds?"

"Yes, Buck."

"The doctor said to take it easy."

I know that, Buck. I'm not a child, you know." He paused for a second. "Do you have any idea how lonely this house is? Jesus, Buck it's so quiet that every little creak echoes. You want to know how many fuckin' raindrops have hit my roof?"

"Chris!"

"You want to know what echoes the loudest? You want to know what noise keeps me awake every single night?"

"Tell me."

"The silence. It's all I can hear." Chris leaned over the bar, his head resting in his hand, his anger draining. "It's not supposed to be this quiet. Damnit, he should be here. Why isn't he here?"

"Take it easy, Pard. You don't have to do this alone. Let me come out there. I'll stay with you or bring you back here. Whatever you need."

"No, I have to stay here. This was his home. It's where I'm closest to him."

"Vin would want you to rely on your friends -- on his friends. Chris, we miss him, too. Maybe we need your help."

"Thanks for being there, Buck."

"Yeah. Anytime buddy. Just please reach out."

+ + + + + + +

After hanging up, Chris remained where he was for a long while, praying for this night to be over, then finally got up and headed for the guestroom. He started to go inside but changed his mind and moved further down the hallway to his -- their -- room instead, stopping in the threshold, and leaned back against the frame for support, and closing his eyes as a another wave of loneliness washed over him.

As though afraid of disrupting the silence, he stepped hesitantly into the room, embracing the barrage of memories that assailed him from every corner of the room; recalled the cherished fun and laughter, the shared secrets, and most of all the strong connecting love that bound his heart to Vin's. Theirs was a love that brought them together more strongly, more powerfully than they could have ever hoped to in flesh.

"Oh God, please help me."

Finally, he stripped and climbed onto the bed, lying on Vin's side, then reached over to the nightstand and picked up the remote, using it to turn on the stereo's compact disc player, setting the tracks he wanted. Curling up, he buried his face in the pillow and imagined his lover's scent, soon falling asleep to the tender love songs.

It was written in the stars On the pages of my heart Oh that someday I would find The love I feel for you tonight On the ocean of our dreams Like a prayer you came to me And the longing that had been found it's ending in your eyes And I'm missing you tonight I really want to see you I only want to touch you If only I could hold you... in my arms again I really want to reach you Forever to be with you If only I could hold you... in my arms again Across the waves, across the sea Separating you from me Here's a promise... and it's mine I will love you for all time And I'm wishing you were here tonight

Moaning softly, Chris turned restlessly in the bed, calling out to a person no longer capable of hearing him, reaching out his hands... desperately searching for his lost love...

And felt his wrists firmly grasped by two strong hands, unresisting as each palm was kissed and laid to rest at his sides. He murmured a name when warm, familiar fingers smoothed through his hair, wantonly lifting his head upward to greet gentle lips brushing over his eyes, his face, his cheeks, and finally his lips. He sighed when a soft voice whispered in his ear.

"Cowboy?"

"Vin?"

"I'm here, my love."

The mattress dipped, the springs creaking under the weight of another climbing onto the bed. Instinctively, Chris turned into the strong arms that reached for him.

"Vin, please come home."

Another soft whisper caressed his ear.

"Just relax, I'm here."

"I need you. Where are you?"

Calm, soothing hands roamed over his body.

"I'm here with you. Open your eyes."

Chris opened dazed eyes, his breath hitching at the sight of the face that haunted him, of the eyes that guarded his soul -- gasping as the lips he craved parted into a smile full of love, full of promise.

"I love you, Cowboy."

Chris didn't reply -- couldn't -- so fearful that any sound would make his God sent vision disappear, knowing his soul would crumble. Instead, hesitantly -- tentatively -- he reached out shaking fingers, tracing them over Vin's face, warming at its warmth; brushed a thumb over full lips then suddenly delved both hands into the wealth of hair, pulling his lover to him, locking their lips together in a kiss that defied time and space...

A kiss that was a balm to his shattered heart... so perfect... so healing.

It was as sweet and wonderful as ever... though more powerful, more intense than he dreamed possible.

He glorified in the muffled whimpers, reveled in the joining of their tongues, and nearly wept at the feel of Vin's body fitting hard and tight against his own. He held on with all his might, as if there were no tomorrow...

And prayed that tomorrow would never come, if it meant that he would remain in Vin's arms.

"Are you really here?"

Vin nodded, his eyes shining brightly, his lips breaking into that heartbreakingly beautiful smile.

"How...?"

Vin smoothed away an errant lock of blond hair then pulled the still shaking body closer. "You need me."

Again, Chris pulled him into a kiss, thrusting his tongue inside his mouth's partner, rolling them so that he covered the smaller body.

"I'll always need you."

Chris's shaft pressed hard against their stomachs and Vin reached between them, rubbing and stroking, his fingers fluttering lightly over the swollen balls.

"God, I've missed you, Vin."

Vin ran his hands over the sinewy arms, down the smooth back, softly mewling at the feel of the warm skin beneath his fingertips. Suddenly, he grabbed Chris's hand, while pulling him in for a kiss, and guided it to touch between their bodies, growling when his shaft was grasped and as a hot mouth sucked hard at first one and then his other nipple, moaning as sharp teeth bit deeply, knowing he'd been branded into his lover's possession.

"Please, Chris, more... more," he cried out, his body arching upward, his eyes near black with passion.

And Chris obliged, unable to wait any longer. He reached over into the nightstand, fumbling for the lubrication that he'd refused to throw away. Uncapping it, he squeezed some in his hand and then coated his aching shaft; then reaching for Vin, he gently slid one finger into the hole his whole body desired, smiling as the anal muscles tightened around him. He leaned in for another heart-stopping kiss, a second then a third finger joining the first.

"Please! Now!" Vin cried again, wrapping his legs around Chris's waist and holding on for dear life as those wonderful fingers were removed and replaced with a large, weeping shaft.

Long past the point of gentleness, Chris thrust forcefully, the white heat of the body he rode embracing him and sending new tears streaming down his face; he healed at each moan of his name. Then reaching for Vin's shaft, he stroked frantically in sync with his thrusts... the spurt of precious seed spilling over his hand and body heralded his own climax and with a pure animalistic cry, he filled his lover with his essence...

With his love.

Totally exhausted and breathless, Chris slid out of the clingy wet warmth and found himself immediately gathered into strong arms, every inch of his face kissed and made love to.

"Promise you'll be here in the morning"

"I'll be here for as long as you need me."

Chris smiled his heart whole once again.

"Then you'll be here forever."

+ + + + + + +

Chris awoke to bright sunlight streaming through the opened window; a gentle breeze whispered over his body, tickling his skin. He stretched lazily, then sat up and rested against the bed's headboard. A foreboding feeling shot through his entire being, a searing pang of loss clutching his heart.

Fearfully, he glanced over to the other side of the bed and nearly wept at the sight of two sleep bleary but concerned eyes looking back at him.

Oh God.

"Cowboy?" Vin asked, raising up to get a better look at his lover. "You okay?"

No answer.

"Chris?" Vin laid his hand atop Larabee's forehead, finding it warm to the touch. "Ah, shit. You're getting sick again. Looks like we're gonna have to get you more of that medicine that makes you loopy." He shook his head in exasperation. "I could kick your ass for getting caught out in the rain the other day."

Chris stared at Vin as if seeing him for the first time. Slowly, his eyes traveled over the now worried face, down to the smooth... unmarked chest. He reached out a hand, softly fingering Vin's nipple, looking up as a hand grasped his.

"No way, Larabee. Not while you're sick."

Chris smiled, feeling a great weight lift from his heart, his world tilting right side up, his body shaking uncontrollably.

"It was a dream. It was all a dream!"

Vin frowned. "What was?"

Tears fell from smoky eyes and were immediately wiped away by gentle fingers. "It was my worst nightmare. Jesus, I even dreamed of having dreams."

"Hope I was with ya, Cowboy."

"That's just it. You weren't."

Vin nodded then reached over and pulled the blonde into his arms, shifting to lie back on the bed, Chris nestled against him.

"I'll always be here. For as long as you need me," he promised, kissing the fevered forehead.

"Then you'll be here forever."

No Heaven's tears today.

The End

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