Road Trip by Cassie, Mog, Maggie

Ezra wasn't aware of the pastry sailing over his head until a sprinkling of hot pink coconut dusted his paperwork. Raising his head slowly, he fixed his deskmate with a deadly glare.

"Ooops, sorry, Ez."

Standish wasn't sure which irritated him more, the small florescent flakes or the slight smirk playing across Tanner's lips.

"If you and Mr. Dunne insist upon consumin' those formaldehyde based, starch-laden confections, the least you can do is exchange them like normal human beings rather than launching them over my work space."

"Snowballs, Ez...they're called Snowballs," mumbled JD around a mouthful of marshmallow and chocolate sponge cake.

Before the undercover agent had a chance to retort, their attention was captured by the entrance of Chris Larabee. "Conference room, gentlemen."

"Give me five, Chris," requested Buck, "I'm expecting an important phone call."

JD rolled his eyes, "Give it up, Buck, after last night I doubt Maureen will be calling you any time soon."

Wilmington let out an exasperated sigh and winced slightly as he realized Larabee now knew the call was not work related.

"Now, Buck. That phone is not your personal 1-900 number." The senior agent turned on his heel and headed for the meeting place. Once the blonde man's back was turned, Wilmington's reaction was automatic. Pulling open the lower left drawer of his desk he extracted a bright yellow rubber chicken which he shook in his leader's direction.

JD suppressed a slight giggle at his friend's familiar and well used gesture of frustration, but he was unable to contain the laughter further when Larabee spoke without interrupting his stride or turning around. "I really hate it when you shake that chicken at me, Buck."

Wilmington was frozen in place - eyes wide, mouth open, plastic poultry hanging limply in his hand.

Josiah drifted past on his way to the conference room. "It's a known fact that parents develop eyes in the back of their head."

"Especially when they have such unruly children," added Nathan, amused at the shocked expression that Wilmington still wore.

"Nice work, Colonel Sanders," quipped JD, flashing his best friend a wicked grin.

"Shut up, kid." ---

Vin was sincerely trying to concentrate on the debriefing that Chris was conducting, but the growling of his stomach kept dragging his thoughts to the habanero burritos he had been craving since ten that morning. Maybe he could drag Josiah to 'On the Border' for lunch.

Josiah was listening to each word Larabee said but was only absorbing half of it. The other half was drowned out by the nagging suspicion that he may have left the iron turned on at home. This thought might have been easily overridden, but another would have been there to take its place. He still had to find a way home after dropping his Suburban off at the mechanic's after work. He wondered if Nathan would care to give him a ride.

Nathan couldn't wait to get home. Although he was sure what Chris was saying was important, Rain was due in that evening and Jackson couldn't pull his thoughts from his girlfriend's impending visit. He wondered if she would bring that cute little number she'd picked up at Victoria's Secrets last month. Soft pink with a hint of white. 'Good Lord, what is that in Ezra's hair?'

'Why is Nathan staring at me?' Ezra pondered, just before Chris's move towards the back of the room recaptured the southerner's attention. Their leader never stopped speaking as he made his way around the table, pausing briefly behind JD to pick up and crumple the sheet of paper that was being covered by the young man's hand.

JD sunk slightly in his seat, wondering how Buck always managed to get him in trouble. Wilmington had, after all, been the one to start the game of tic tac toe, and he insisted on adding insult to injury by elbowing his young apprentice and shaking his head disappointedly.

'That'll teach the boy to sass, me. Colonel Sanders, my ass.' Buck straightened in his chair and momentarily wondered if it was too late to cancel the surprise birthday party he had planned for JD on Saturday night. ---

"Okay, gentlemen, I think that's all for now. As focused as you all have been, I'm sure it will be no problem for you to get your reports to me by Monday morning." As the senior agent started for the door, Buck stood to protest.

"Aw, hell, Chris, I have plans this weekend."

For the second time that morning Larabee delivered a reply without stopping. "Well, Buck, maybe you can get your little chicken friend to help you."

As JD walked out past his roommate, he elbowed the older man in the ribs and shook his head in mock disappointment.

"We'll see if that grin is still on your face when you're done paying for lunch, kid," countered Buck as he followed Dunne out.

Josiah rubbed his hands together in anticipation. "Hey, Buck, you think we can talk him into springing for 'On the Border'?"

"Don't leave without me." Vin started after his friends but Nathan caught his arm.

"Hold up, Vin. Buck wanted me to remind you all that you need to be at the saloon by 7:30 on Saturday."

Ezra cocked his head slightly as he gathered up his papers, "And that would be for..."

"JD's birthday party," stated Nathan in an obvious tone.

"Aw, shit," Vin muttered, "that's this Saturday?"

Standish arched one eyebrow, "And I was informed of this when?"

"Buck sent out an e-mail last week," replied Nathan.

"After the last incident, I no longer open e-mail from Mr. Wilmington."

"Just make sure that you're both there." Jackson sighed slightly and started to leave but paused briefly to reach up and pluck something from the southerner's hair. "I don't know what this is, but it's been bugging me for the last half hour." He dropped the large flake of pink coconut to the carpet before exiting.

Ezra glanced to the Snowball remnant on the floor and slowly let a narrow-eyed gaze rise to meet Tanner's innocent expression.

Vin spoke up before Standish had a chance to comment. "So, Ez, what are you gonna get him? 'Cause I don't have a clue."

Ezra's answer gave Tanner more than just slight pause. Had they been conversing via e-mail there wouldn't have been a problem. Accents cannot be heard via electronic mail, nor can they be misunderstood. What Standish said and what his friend heard were two very different things. The undercover agent's southern drawl allowed his words to flow together, resulting in the confusion.

"I would think that a chee-pet would be a suitably bizarre novelty that may actually have a chance of survivin' that branch of the Center for Disease Control that those two call an apartment."

Tannner's look was one of pure confusion, and he paused briefly before answering, "Yeaah," he agreed slowly, "that's pretty bizarre, but I dunno know, Ez, I can't really see Buck letting JD keep a monkey in the house."

This time it was Standish's turn for bewilderment. "Exactly how does a household plant relate to a primate?"

"What?"

"I don't know, you're the one who said it."

"Did not."

"Yes, you did."

Vin was completely lost. "You're the one who suggested a chimpanzee, or 'chimpette', or whatever you call it in the south."

Ezra stared at his friend in amazement, "I said Chia pet...chee-ah pett," he annunciated, stressing each syllable.

Tanner shook his head slightly as if he were shaking off the entire conversation, "Well, actually I had another idea. You know the model train set that they've started?"

"Ah yes, their plans to reconstruct the entire Appalachacola and Santa Fe railroads in a two-bedroom, 2000 square foot townhome."

"Yeah, JD's been goin' on about this little missile car set. It's got some kind of flat bed that you can launch a missile off of and a break-apart box car that you can blow up."

"Dear Lord," muttered the southerner.

"Anyway, it must be really hard to find 'cause they've been looking for it for a few weeks now. If you're interested and if I can find it on the 'net, we could go in together and get him that."

Standish pursed his lips slightly, "I'd be agreeable to that...and if we don't find it, we can always go with the Chia pet." ---

Ezra was seated at his computer as Vin approached him after having come from Larabee's office.

"I got the okay from Chris," Tanner said, taking a seat on the corner of his friend's desk. "It's two o'clock now. If you got the directions we can go ahead and leave. 'Bout how long do you think it's gonna take?"

Standish passed a sheet of paper with driving instructions that he had printed off the 'net to the other man. "Even with Friday traffic we should be back by eight."

Vin looked over the directions, "That'll work - 'cause we owe Chris a beer."

The southerner shut down his computer and straightened his work space before grabbing up his jacket.

"And where do you boys think you're going?" Buck tipped back in his chair and eyed the two with a reproachful gaze.

Vin pulled on his worn suede coat, "We're takin' off a little early."

JD peered over his monitor, "How come?"

"Because," Tanner replied, cuffing the young man lightly on the back of the head as he passed, "we weren't playin' games during the debriefin'."

Buck shot a wry grin at the ex-bounty hunter, "I guess it pays to be teacher's pet, eh, junior?"

Ezra came to Vin's defense, "Well, perhaps if you can avoid detention, Buck, next week you can leave early." Standish touched two fingers to his temple in a familiar salute and followed after Tanner.

They both heard the telltale sliding of the file drawer and a surprised shout from Wilmington. "JD?! Where the hell's my chicken?" ---

Ezra peeled an unhappy Cuervo from the hood of his Jaguar and deposited the feline unceremoniously into Vin's Jeep. As Standish slid into the driver's seat he couldn't help but notice a bright yellow rubber chicken resting on the dashboard.

"What is that?" he asked, looking to the man seated next to him.

"A rubber chicken."

"I can see that. I meant, why is it accompanyin' us on this journey?"

"Well, ya see," Vin grinned, "I read this thing the other day about road rage. Ya know how if someone does somethin' to ya in traffic, like flip ya off or somethin', it just kinda ruins your whole day. You spend the next two hours all upset and thinkin' about it. Well, this article suggested that you keep a rubber chicken in your car and when somebody does somethin' like that - you shake the chicken at 'em. That way, rather than them takin' time away from your life, you take time away from theirs as they try to figure out what's up with the crazy fool who's wavin' plastic poultry at them."

Ezra stared incredulously at his friend. "That has got to be one of the most absurd things I have ever heard."

Vin shrugged, "I figured the least we could do, as officers of the law, was to test it out."

Ezra started the car and began to back out of the underground garage. "And I'm sure it had nothin' to do with annoyin' Mr. Wilmington."

A slow grin eased across Tanner's face as he slipped on his sunglasses, "Not a thing." ---

"Did you bring the directions?" Ezra glanced over just in time to see Vin finish off the last of a large bag of pork rinds he had purchased at the previous gas station stop.

Tanner took a long drink from his Big Gulp before replying, "You were supposed to have the directions."

"Didn't you grab them from my desk?"

Vin rolled his eyes, "I'm not allowed to touch your desk, remember?"

"Funny, that doesn't stop you from sittin' on it."

Tanner wadded up the empty bag of fried skins and tossed it over his shoulder into the backseat. "So you're sayin' you don't have them either."

"Yes, that would be what I am sayin'."

Vin wiped his hands on his blue jeans and grinned, "Good thing I got a look at 'em...I think I can remember how to get there." ---

Two Hours Later

"Where are we, Mr. Tanner?"

Vin mumbled around a mouthful of his Kaptain Kucumber's Extra Hot, Cajun Spiced, Giant Pickle. "That sign back there said 40 miles to Castle Rock."

"If I recall correctly, the directions stated that Bowie was outside of Boulder...which is in the exact opposite direction of Castle Rock."

Tanner shrugged, "Oh. I guess we should turn around." The sharpshooter ignored the heavy sigh which came in answer to his stating of the obvious. "There's an exit comin' up, we can do it there. Besides, I gotta get somethin' to eat."

"Good Lord, Vin. What, are you like a shrew - you have to eat five times your body weight a day in order to survive?" He nodded toward the rubber novelty that still took up a command position on the dashboard. "I would suggest you gnaw on that chicken but after seein' what you have ingested already, I suspect it would have too much nutritional value for you." ---

Ten minutes later the two agents were headed in the right direction.

Four hours later the Halogen lights of Ezra's Jaguar lit up a green sign offering, Bowie 1 mile.

"Hey, Bowie," Vin pointed out, "that's the town we're lookin' for."

Standish's eyes flicked to the clock set in the dash, "And look, we're only arrivin' four hours later than we had planned."

"I told ya I could find it," announced Tanner triumphantly, breaking into a bag of Circus Peanuts he had picked up at the last Texaco station. "Want one?"

"I believe I'll pass." Ezra eyed the small, shriveled orange puff suspiciously. "Do you even know what those are made of?"

Tanner flipped on the overhead light to scan the back of the package. "Nope, the ingredients aren't listed."

"That does not surprise me in the least." The southerner glanced back to the road in time to take their exit. "So, Willie Wonka, do you have any idea where this store may be?"

"You take a right at the end of the exit, then it's 3/10 of a mile past the 'Kissin' Cousins Grill'. Vin paused to pop another candy peanut in his mouth, "You can't see it from the road but it sits next to the 'Stuff and Fluff Taxidermy Clinic' - 112 South Bowie Street."

Ezra shot a sharp look at his friend. "So you remember all that, but you couldn't remember if we were supposed to go East or West?"

"What can I say, I do better with fine details." ---

Ezra pulled the Jag into the dirt parking lot of the hobby shop and shut off the engine as Vin eased himself from the car and stretched his lanky form. He surveyed the small building before them. "Looks kinda dark."

"Perhaps they're not afforded the luxury of electricity...or indoor plumbing."

Tanner ignored his friend's comment and made his way around the front of the car. Bypassing the two steps of the store's wraparound porch with a light hop, he used the glow spilling from the Jaguar's headlights to read a small sign in the window before returning to report his findings.

"Hate to tell ya, Ez, but they closed at 8:30."

"8:30?" Standish repeated, not even attempting to hide the astonishment in his voice. "8:30 is not even a real time, it....it's merely a...a midpoint between real designations of when to conduct business."

"Sign says they open back up at 9:15 a.m. We could grab somethin' to eat and find a place to stay for the night."

Ezra blinked several times before answering. "This would be your attempt at humor, Mr. Tanner?"

Leaning against the open door of the luxury car the long haired man offered a non-committal shrug, "Well, we could always drive back to Denver and come back tomorrow."

Vin read the look on his partner's face and had just enough time to hop in and pull his door shut before Ezra slammed the Jaguar into reverse and spun out of the parking lot, leaving a trail of dust in their wake. ---

"The Crater Café," Ezra drawled aloud, "how quaint." The two men stood before a diner that looked as if it had opened shortly after the, if you believed the signs, world famous, prehistoric meteorite struck the Earth near what was now Bowie.

"It is home to the Cavernous Crater Burger," Vin stated, after reading a prominently displayed sign above the doorway.

"I'm sure that alone gave it another star. Well, that and the wine, of course." Near the door was an A-board sign that advertised 'Homegrown Apples, Plums and Wine.' Ezra wasn't sure what a homegrown wine was but he knew, without a doubt, that he could go happily to his grave without ever finding out.

"Come on, Ez," Vin slapped the other man on the back, "I'm starved."

"And what else is new," mumbled the southerner, before following his associate.

The sound of a clanking cowbell tied to the door of the restaurant announced their arrival. Several patrons looked up from their meals as a petite redheaded waitress, bearing a nametag that claimed the wearer to be 'Esther', pointed towards an empty booth in the back.

"Help yourself, sugars, I'll be with ya in a minute."

Ezra slumped dejectedly in the booth not believing that the evening could get any worse. That delusion was quickly shattered when a husky voice sounded from behind.

"You're sitting in my seat."

Standish and Tanner barely had time to exchange glances before Esther's sharp voice cut across the café. "Russell Ray, it ain't gonna hurt you to sit somewhere else for a change."

"But Essie..." the 6'5, two hundred-eighty pound, overall clad man started to protest.

"Don't 'but' me. There's a perfectly good seat next to Junior over there."

As the dejected regular shuffled away, Esther appeared and placed menus in front of the two men. "You'll have to excuse Russell Ray, he ain't been quite the same since the accident at last year's demolition derby. He can get a little particular sometimes." The woman pulled a pen from the seven-inch tall sculpture that was her hair and smiled, "Now, what can I get you boys to drink?"

Ezra did his best to offer a smile, "I don't suppose by any chance you have Pelligrino?"

"We have some Pal-o-Mine Root beer," Esther answered cheerily.

Vin spoke up, "I'll take one of those...and I know my friend was curious about your homegrown Bowie wine."

"Good choice, sweetie," the woman winked at Ezra before walking away. Vin's smile grew wider while Standish merely lay his head on the blue and gold Formica covered table.

Esther returned a few moments later, placing the root beer, a large bottle of wine and two Mason jar glasses in front of them. "Now, what on the menu looks good to you boys?"

"I'd love one of those Crater Burger specials and, Ez, weren't you eyein' those fried chicken gizzards?"

The reply was muffled as the southerner barely raised his head, "Oh, I have had it."

"What was that, honey?" Esther leaned forward.

Vin handed her their menus with a polite smile. "A large green salad."

As the waitress took up the menus and turned back to the kitchen, Standish raised off the table just enough to grasp the plainly labeled bottle, uncork it with his teeth and fill the Mason jar glass to the rim. ---

"How was everything, boys?" Esther asked, eyeing Vin's empty plate and the two cleaned dishes that had held a slice of pie each. "I swear, I don't see how such a small boy could have such a big appetite."

"You would be surprised, madam," Ezra slurred slightly, refilling his glass for the fourth time and taking a large swallow.

"Can I get you boys anything else?"

"Well, ma'am, we were kind of wonderin' if you could recommend a place to stay."

"We only have the one place. The Yucca Motel, about a half block up the road."

Again came an indistinct southern drawl as Ezra attempted to fix Vin with a blurry gaze, "Ah, yes, The Yucca, I do believe that is the sister establishment of the Four Seasons, is it not?"

Esther cocked her head slightly. "I don't know I've ever heard of that one. Is it over in San Simon?"

"Well, time to go, Ezra," Vin pulled a twenty from his wallet, tossed it to the table and hustled Standish from the restaurant, calling a hasty farewell. "Much obliged to you, ma'am." ---

"There is no way that I am stayin' at this establishment, Mr. Tanner. I am not that drunk."

Vin sighed and rested his head against the steering wheel. "Fine, Ez, we'll just sleep in the car. Maybe Russell Ray will come by. I think he drives that tow truck we saw in the café parking lot."

"I ain't afraid of that, Vin." Ezra leaned the passenger seat back, clutching the nearly empty wine bottle to his chest.

Tanner thought for a moment and then began to hum the first few notes from the opening credits of 'Deliverence.' Ezra cracked one eye open. "Get us a damn room."

"I thought you'd see it my way." The younger man undid his seatbelt and jumped from the car before Standish changed his mind. ---

Nine-fifteen the next morning found the two companions on the front porch of L.J. Haney's Hobby Emporium. And although the Ferragamo sunglasses hid the bloodshot eyes, there were still plenty of indicators of Ezra's lost battle with the homegrown Bowie wine.

"I do hope that young JD appreciates the sacrifices that I have endured to procure this gift."

Vin opened the door and ushered his friend in. "I'm sure he'll like it, Ez."

"Like it?" Standish growled, "He better sleep with it."

"Howdy, boys!" a boisterous voice called from behind the counter. Ezra cringed as small spikes of pain were driven into his alcohol saturated skull. "What can I do for you?"

Vin stepped forward, leaving his partner slumped against a wall. "We called yesterday about the collectable train car."

"Oh yes, the missile car set, it's a beauty. Right over here." LJ stopped and scratched at his wiry gray beard as he came to an empty space on one of the shelves. "Now where did I put that?"

"Dear Lord, no," came a pathetic muttered response from the far wall.

"Ah, here it is," the man chuckled jovially. "This little sweetie is hard to find. Are you all collectors?"

Ezra answered in a low tone, "Merely gluttons for punishment." Vin cast a hard glare in Standish's direction before responding to LJ, "It's for a friend of ours."

Mr. Haney laughed, "Well, I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't catch the bug as well."

A drawled retort was mostly lost in a yawn, "As long as it is not of the Yucca variety."

"Can I wrap it up for you?"

"Nah, that's alright," Vin replied quickly, hoping to rush Ezra from another potential scene. The young agent made a mental note to never be around a hungover Standish again. "We do need to be gettin' back home."

"I didn't think you boys were from around here. If you have the time, you may want to look around our little corner of the world a bit."

"Oh yes, Mr. Tanner, we really should explore the cultural mecca that is Bowie."

"Why, there's the big crater out near the rock quarry," LJ informed helpfully, "biggest in 27 counties. And of course, the Bowie museum - dedicated to our famous native son."

Vin cocked his head, slightly confused, "Jim Bowie?"

"Nah," LJ waved his hand in a dismissing gesture, "Daniel Bowie."

Tanner tried again, "You mean David Bowie?" But he knew he had failed when he caught the look of indignation set on the shopkeeper's face.

"No, son, Daniel Bowie."

"Why, of course, Vin," Ezra called from the doorway. "You know, the Daniel Bowie. I believe I had the distinct experience of drinkin' some of his fine wine last evenin'."

Tanner again felt the insistent urge to separate his ailing southern friend from one of the residents of Bowie. He paid Mr. Haney for the railroad cars and nearly shoved Ezra out the door in a hasty retreat. ---

Standish pulled the car up to the gas pump and turned off the engine just as the actions of his travelling companion caught his eye and nearly made his heart stop beating in his chest. In one swift movement Ezra relieved his partner of the candy he was about to tear into. "I draw the line at Pixie Sticks, Mr. Tanner."

"But..."

"No!"

Vin let the southerner have the small package of colored straws and picked up the paddle ball he'd been playing with since the last Chevron. Standish rubbed a hand across his face, silently blessing the information on the sign he had spotted right before they pulled off. Denver 40 miles.

"Thank God we are almost home," he muttered in a low tone.

"C'mon, Ez, it wasn't that bad of a trip."

"Ah yes, let's see. First we had that short, but scenic, detour which was gloriously highlighted by gettin' to watch you inhale vast quantities of chemically based, cholesterol ridden substances. Then there was my own delightful meal at the negative five-star Critter Café, where I was allowed to sample the fine Bowie wine - which rivals the vineyards of Northern California, I assure you.

"Topped off by our own personal visit to the Bates Motel, one of the most unbearable hangover headaches I have ever been cursed with and a history lesson by Mr. Haney, who, no doubt, had Arnold the pig in the back room watching television. Oh, and please let it not escape your attention that I have been wearin' the same clothes for nearly a day and a half. Hmmm? Have I left anythin' out?"

Tanner blinked twice at his friend. "I'm goin' in for a chili dog, you want one?"

The look on Ezra's face clearly indicated the answer, so with paddle ball in hand Vin made his way into the mini-mart. It was at that point that Standish knew he was about to lose control. Wrapping a hand around the throat of the rubber chicken that still rested on the dashboard, he wrenched it from its position and shook it violently at his partner's retreating figure. ---

As Vin stepped from his Jeep outside the saloon he couldn't help but notice the flash of streetlights reflecting off a sleek black automobile as it pulled into the parking lot adjacent to the tavern. Grabbing a package from the passenger's seat, Tanner headed into the bar.

Several raised glasses and a chorus of hellos from a table in the back welcomed him.

"Where's Ezra?" queried Nathan.

"I just saw him pull in," Vin replied, as he took up his usual seat next to Chris. "Should be right behind me."

Before more could be said, JD and Buck returned from the pinball machine. "Vin! You made it." Dunne grabbed up a nearby beer which he seemed to recall as being his. "Where's Ez?"

"Right here, waitin' for a drink."

JD jumped slightly and turned to find Standish behind him. Buck snickered at his roommate's reaction and nodded to Ezra, "We were wondering if you two were going to make it."

"Back alive," Josiah added with a wicked grin.

Chris raised an eyebrow and let one corner of his mouth turn up in a dry smile, "How was the trip?"

The answers came simultaneously.

"Great." "A livin' hell."

"Did you go to the same place?" JD asked, confused.

"Unfortunately," Standish replied, accepting a glass of Guiness from Nathan.

"But it was worth it, right, Ez?" Vin handed JD the fruits of their adventure. "Happy Birthday."

The youngest member of their team tore into the parcel with all the enthusiasm of a kid at Christmas. "Cool! The missile car set we've been looking for." JD held the box up for Buck to see. "I'm glad I didn't buy the one at the mall yesterday."

Ezra stopped short of taking a drink and fixed his gaze on Vin. "The mall?"

Tanner rose quickly, "Well, it looks like we need another pitcher. We got a lot of celebratin' to do." He crossed to the bar and out of, what he hoped to be, striking distance from Standish.

Ezra set his glass on the table and lowered his head, "My kingdom for a rubber chicken."

END