Sleep by Mel Part of The Jess Chronicles

It was the middle of the night, probably 2:30 in the morning, and Vin padded quietly into the front room in his thermals, bathrobe and wool socks. He switched on the light next to the stereo and sat on the arm of the upholstered rocking chair to sift through his CD's. He wanted something to listen to that was soft in volume and content, something that might help him fall asleep. Something that would take his mind off - well, off everything. He finally settled on the soundtrack from "Gettysburg". Not an especially quiet choice, but it was all instrumental and he hoped that it would occupy his mind just enough to block out everything else. He turned on the stereo, plugged in the CD, and put on the earphones to settle back into the rocking chair.

His wife came down the hallway to find him. Even though she told him that every time he couldn't sleep he should wake her up, he never did. It'd been nearly two weeks now since the stand-off and Jesse knew it wasn't nightmares. It was that Vin couldn't keep his mind from going over it again and again, trying to find someway to make it happen differently.

She didn't want to startle him; she was as quiet as he had been across the wooden floor. Vin had his eyes closed and it wasn't until Jesse sat on the footstool at his feet and put her hands on his that he knew she was there. He took off the earphones and switched off the stereo.

"I didn't mean to wake you honey..."

"I want you to wake me up when you can't sleep babe. You don't have to go through this alone." She took his hands into hers; she loved the feel of them, the warmth and strength. "I keep telling you that."

"I know honey..." He intertwined their fingers. "But you'd never get any sleep..."

"Babe, you haven't gotten any sleep in over ten days. You can't go on like this." But Vin didn't answer her, just took a deep breath. "I can't believe Chris doesn't say anything, Nathan at least. You look like hell, you know that."

"Chris ain't one for saying...isn't...isn't one for saying things like that. He comes, sits by my desk when everyone else has gone to lunch, pretends he's too tired to go with ‘em. We talk, or we don't. He's more of a just being there kinda guy."

"What about Nathan?" She asked. "He's never shy about saying things like that."

"He did, first few days, till that first weekend." Vin smiled, a tired expression. "Chris asked him to back off, that's what JD told me. Said he asked everybody to keep an eye on me though, just to not be obvious. Like Buck or Josiah could ever be subtle. And you can't make me believe that Ezra really needs that much help figuring out our new computer software...what are you smiling at Jess?"

"I was just thinking what it must be like to go from being an only child to having six brothers tripping over themselves to take care of you."

But the smile died from Vin's eyes. "I just wish I hadn't let them down..." He took his hands back and crossed his arms over his chest.

"You didn't let them down babe." Jesse told him.

"I cost them time - I could've cost that woman her life. She blames me for her son dying."

"Her son that held her hostage for two days and a night." Jesse reached out and gently tugged Vin's arms until she could take his hands again. "After all she did to protect him and keep him hidden from you. You didn't kill him, even if you'd been the one to take the shot." She emphasized her words. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I did the worst thing I could do - I let it get personal. I let that bastard make me mad." Even now it angered him. "How dare he use his mother as a human shield? How dare he? That poor old woman who mortgaged everything she owns to make his bail time and again, who lied to protect him when the bruises were still fresh on her face." But Vin realized it was happening again. "I should've backed off, I should've realized he was pushing my buttons. But I didn't. I let it get personal."

"You yelled at him Tanner. You called him a sorry-assed sonuvabitch for treating a good woman that way -"

"I got angry." He pulled his hands free again though he wanted to keep them there. Lord, he wanted nothing more at this moment than to lay down in her arms and have her quiet all the guilt and dread he was feeling.

"Babe - look at me Vin." She spoke softly. He'd pulled his hands away because he was trembling now. "What is it really? You weren't reprimanded, either officially or unofficially. And if Chris Larabee didn't yell at you, you know you didn't do anything wrong." But he didn't answer. "What is it?"

"I'm scared." He hadn't meant for that to come out at all. But it was so true.

"Scared of what?" And he wouldn't answer. She leaned forward to put her hands on either side of him on the arms of the rocking chair. "Scared of what?"

"That they won't want me to work with ‘em anymore." He said, staring down at his hands in his lap. She looked at him with great disbelief, but it was true. "I ain't - ain't -" Vin was trying not to use that word anymore, and he tried to remember what he was supposed to use in its place. "I - haven't - worked with them very long. I'm afraid Chris'll change his mind and have me transferred. This is the first group of guys I really felt I belonged with."

"I know babe." Jesse remembered how he'd come home each day, with one more remarkable - to him - account of something that had happened that made him feel really a part of the team. It wasn't that he was trying to prove himself to the other six; he was trying to prove something to himself.

"I don't want to lose that." his voice threatened to break. "I don't want them to think they can't depend on me. I don't want to lose them."

"Ohh - babe..." She knelt on the floor in front of the rocker and reached up to take him into her arms. "If they didn't want you with them, they wouldn't be trying so hard to take care of you..." He leaned into her embrace and buried his face in her shoulder. "Babe, is that what you've been worried about all this time? That they would get rid of you?"

"I told myself it didn't matter if I fit in anywhere, that I'd be happier someplace where I didn't want to be friends with anybody. But if they told me that they didn't want me around anymore, I don't think I could take it."

"Of course they want you part of their team babe. Of course they do."

Vin listened to her voice, felt it dissolving the stress he'd put himself through. He never felt so safe and loved as he did in her arms. No matter what happened, at work, in the world, or in his life, he knew that he could go home to rest and heal in her arms. He held onto her as hard as he could

"I love you." She said, feeling him relax in her arms, grateful she'd been able to comfort him. "I love you so much Vin."

Vin felt a weariness come over him that he knew meant he'd finally be able to sleep. "I love you too Jesse."

END