AND NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST FOR "MAGNIFICENT SEVEN DATELINE," REBECCA!
Me: Hello and welcome to my little show. As always, I am glad you have tuned in. Tonight, I have a special treat. Maude Standish, the mother of that delectable gambler we all love, has agreed to take a few moments to answer a few questions.
Good evening, Mrs. Standish.
Maude: Evenin'.
Me: What brings you to Four Corners this time around?
Maude: I just came to visit my sweet son, Ezra like the good mother I am.
<Loud laughing comes from the next table, and Maude and I turn to see Ezra laughing hystericallly>
Ezra: <wiping tears from his eyes> "Good mother." Ha! I would be wary of her, Miss Rebecca. She's liable to lie through this whole interview.
Maude: You be quiet! This is my interview.
Me: Well, let's get started here. Is it true you've been married five times?
Maude: Yes, unfortunately.
Me: And, since you share the same last name as Ezra, I take it that husband #5 was Ezra's father?
Maude: Yes, he was.
Me: Tell me about him.
Maude: I'd rather not. He was a lying weasel who only thought of himself.
Ezra: They were the perfect pair.
Maude: Would you hush!
Me: How long were you married to him?
Maude: Long enough. We divorced when Ezra was still a baby.
Me: So Ezra never knew his father?
Maude: No. I spared him from knowing that rogue.
Me: After the divorce, is that when you began to go off and leave Ezra with relatives?
Maude: I had to make money somehow to support Ezra and myself. And I certainly couldn't do it with a small baby attached to me. <smiles> You should have seen Ezra as a baby. The puniest thing you ever did see. Why, he was so tiny...
Ezra: Mother, don't tell your stories. Just answer the questions.
Maude: I was! I just thought she might like to hear a story of when you were a baby.
Ezra: She wouldn't.
Me: Actually, I would like to hear...
Ezra: You wouldn't! <glares at me>
Me: Of course not! I don't want to hear stories of baby Ezra. Mrs. Standish, when did you begin taking Ezra along on your cons?
Maude: When he was old enough to understand why I was doing what I was doing. He had to be four or five for his first con.
Me: And then what did you do after the con was pulled?
Maude: I would go to one of my sister's or brother's homes to leave Ezra while I travelled. But I always left enough money with my siblings to take care of Ezra.
Me: Do you think you're a good mother?
Maude: Yes.
<Again, Ezra laughs hysterically>
Maude: <defensively> I always sent money to take care of him!
Me: But you weren't always there.
Maude: He knew what I was doing! And why I did it. He knew I loved him.
Ezra: I did?
Me: Mrs. Standish, you can't possibly believe that good motherhood is merely an act of providing financial support and showing up once in a blue moon to use your child for some con. If that were the case, anyone could be a mother.
Ezra: Eloquently spoken, Miss Rebecca.
Maude: Is this "Attack Maude Day" or something? I did what I thought was best!
Ezra: Your best wasn't good enough, was it? <He stands up and leaves>
Maude: I thought he'd never leave. Now, where were we?
Me: We were talking about your bad mothering techniques.
Maude: Oh, yes. Well, there's no handbook on how to be a mother. You have to go with your instincts and that's what I did.
Me: You've said that one should never use their own money to buy things, correct?
Maude: Correct.
Me: May I ask why?
Maude: Because you never know when a deal can go sour. If you use someone else's money, when things go wrong, as Ezra's little saloon venture did, you still have your own money to carry you through. But if you use your own money, then you're left with nothing.
Me: The way I see it, Ezra makes his money by winning it from other people in poker games. So when he bought that saloon, technically wasn't he using other peoples' money?
Maude: <thinks about it for a moment> Well, when you look at it that way...
Me: There's my point.
Maude: But he should have used the investment con to get more money from unsuspecting strangers and used that to purchase the saloon.
Me: <throw hands in the air> I give up! Finally, did you ever sing for a living?
Maude: <her eyes widen in shock> No.
Me: "California Dreamin'" sound familiar?
Maude: No.
Me: Are you sure? Because I think that was you.
Maude: No. Wasn't me.
Me: No, I think that was you.
Maude: <shakes her head> No.
Me: <stare at her skeptically, then smile> If you say so. Mrs. Standish, thank you so much for your time.
Maude: Thank you. Do I get paid for this?
Me: Um...no.
Maude: Oh.
Me: Thank you for watching. I hope you enjoyed tonight's program. Stay tuned for MAG Network's new special, "When CBS Attacks." And come back next week when I will have Inez Recillos on the program.
Good night, everyone.
Rebecca
Roving, Raving Reporter Eztraordinaire
