Ezra sat at his desk, filling out paperwork, he hated it and was anxious for his lunch hour, so he could go by the hospital and see Jessie. It had been two months since he almost died, on New Years, he and Jessie were closer than ever, they spent all their time together, going out to dinner, or the ballet, making love, but he had been working undercover for the last two weeks and had not seen her, so he couldn't wait for lunch. He had the radio on, it helped him relax, and his song came on, it was his song for Jessie, just as she had her song for him. His song was "She's All I Ever Had." by Ricky Martin, hers was "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face." by Celine Dion, hearing the song now, made him even more anxious for lunch, so he kept looking at his watch.
His lunch break finally arrived and he headed for Chris's office, to ask if he could take a long lunch, "Would it be possible to take a long lunch Mr. Larabee?"
Chris smiled, he knew why Ezra wanted the long lunch, he knew that Ezra had missed Jessie over the last two weeks, "Sure Ezra, just be back here by 2 o'clock, we have a meeting set up to go over the next assignment."
"Thank you Mr. Larabee, I will be back."
"Say hello to Jessie for me." He smiled at Ezra's feigned look of shock.
"Certainly Mr. Larabee." Ezra headed out the door, hearing the other members of the unit all mooing at him, they did that a lot.
Jessie had been watching the time tick by slowly, she couldn't wait to see Ezra, the last two weeks without him, had been the longest two weeks of her life. She had to run upstairs, to take some files to a doctor, she hoped Ezra would be waiting when she got back.
While Jessie was gone, a strange man in a trench coat, walked up to the nurses station and demanded bandages and drugs, of course the nurse at the desk was not about to give them to him, "I am sorry sir, I can't do that, if your injured I can get a doctor." That was when the man pulled a gun out and put it to her face, then grabbed her, holding her in front of him. The floor was pretty empty at the time, but the gunman jerked around at the sound of the elevator ding, the nurse screamed before he could cover her mouth.
Ezra heard a woman scream, so he pulled his gun from the shoulder holster and released the safety, then once the elevator doors were open, he dove out and rolled across the floor, coming up behind the nurses station, "Drop your gun, Federal Agent." The gunman had the nurse as a shield, he was between Ezra and the stairs, he hoped the gunman didn't try to get to them, to make his escape. "Let the nurse go."
"No, drop your gun, or I will blow her head off."
"All right, just take it easy." He was relieved that it wasn't Jessie, but he would do as he asked, or at least pretend to. He began to set his gun down, the sound of the stairwell door opening got the gunman's attention. Ezra motioned to the nurse to elbow the man and run to the nurses station. He watched as she did what he told her to do, the gunman came back around, pointing his gun at Ezra, but was doubled over from the nurse elbowing him. The gunman fired at him, so he returned fire, but the gunman had ducked down farther, so Ezra's shot went over him. The gunman's bullet hit Ezra in the shoulder, but he didn't even notice, he was horrified to see Jessie fall to the floor, in front of the door to the stairs, Ezra's bullet had gone over the gunman and into Jessie's abdomen. "Jessie" He cried, then took another shot at the gunman, shooting him between the eyes.
Jessie was shocked at what was happening, Ezra was taking on a man that was holding a gun on another nurse. She watched everything take place, seeing the bullet hit Ezra in the shoulder, she felt her heart sink, then she felt a fire in her stomach, it hurt so bad and she felt herself falling into the darkness. She grabbed her stomach and fell to the floor.
Ezra dropped his gun and ran to Jessie, sitting on the floor next to her, placing his hands on her abdomen, trying to stop the bleeding, but he wasn't having much luck. "We need a doctor here." He yelled, luckily the gunshots had drawn attention and two orderly's came with a gurney, a doctor checking her.
"Get her to OR, stat" The doctor bent to check Ezra, but he pushed him away, "Your hurt Agent Standish."
"I don't care, take care of Jessie, please." The doctor stood and headed after Jessie, Ezra sat there, staring at his hands, which were covered with Jessie's blood.
Chris was sitting at his desk, going over his notes for the meeting, he had a stack of files in front of him, one for each member of the team, with the necessary information for their next case. His phone rang, he answered it leisurely, letting it ring twice before answering. "Larabee."
"Agent Larabee, this is doctor Steven, from the hospital."
Chris became alert, knowing that was where Ezra was. "Yes doctor, what can I do for you?"
"You might want to get the rest of your team down here, there's been an incident."
"What kind of incident?" Chris was getting very worried now, he didn't like the doctors tone of voice.
"A shooting, Agent Standish was involved, it's very serious."
"Is Ezra all right?" He stood and grabbed his ATF jacket, getting ready to leave.
"I would rather discuss that when you get here, it's complicated, I am hoping you can help me with him."
"All right, we are on our way, good bye doctor."
"Good bye Agent Larabee."
Chris hung up the phone, put his jacket on the rest of the way, then left his office, "Everyone get ready to go, we are headed for the hospital, where Ezra was involved in a shooting." He saw the others gather around, all looking worried.
"What happened Chris?" Vin asked.
"I don't have the details, but the doctor said it was serious and that Ezra's condition was complicated."
"Complicated how?" Nathan asked.
"I don't know, the doctor said he would discuss it when we got there."
"Well, lets go then Brother Chris, Brother Ezra needs us."
They all put on their ATF jackets and headed out, moving to the hospital as quickly as they could, all wearing the same look on their faces, great concern. Chris was driving fast, weaving through traffic, something in the doctors tone of voice had terrified him and he feared that they might be losing Ezra.
+ + + + + + +
The doctors and staff at the hospital knew not to move anything, because it was a crime scene, but doctor Steven had been trying to move Ezra, to somewhere they could treat his injury. His shirt and jacket were soaked with blood, as the wound to his should continued to bleed. Doctor Steven was having no luck, Ezra had fallen into a catatonic state and was just sitting there, staring at his hands, but not seeing them, his mind had closed itself off to everything around him and the doctor couldn't get him to budge, he hoped that one of Agent Standish's coworkers could get through to him, before he bled to death, if nothing else, they would wait until he passed out, from lack of blood, then take care of him. The doctor moved to the elevators as he saw Agent Larabee and the others step off. "Agent Larabee."
"Doctor, what the hell happened here?" Chris was surveying the scene, there was a dead man on the floor, near the nurses station, he saw Ezra's gun laying on the floor, a small pool of blood next to it, and then his eyes found Ezra. "My god."
"Agent Larabee, I'm afraid Agent Standish is suffering a severe mental shock, he's become catatonic and I can't get him to move, we need to treat his shoulder wound."
Chris could see a large pool of blood near Ezra's legs, he wondered how many injuries he had, "What about his legs?"
"There's nothing wrong with his legs." The doctor was puzzled, then he looked at Standish, seeing the pool of Jessie's blood. "Oh, that's not his blood, it belongs to nurse Jessie."
"What? Would you please tell me what happened?"
"Yes, the dead man pulled a gun on a nurse, Agent Standish happened to arrive around the same time, gunshots were exchanged, Standish was hit in the shoulder, but the gunman ducked Agent Standish's first shot, it went over him and into Jessie, so in essence Agent Standish shot Jessie."
"Oh my god, how is she?" Chris was worried, he now understood why Ezra was in the state he was, but if anything happened to Jessie, he feared Ezra would not be able to live with himself.
"She's in surgery, she lost a lot of blood, all we can do is wait and see."
"What about Ezra?"
"I need to treat him, but I can't get him to respond, he's closed his mind off to everything."
All the men looked grief stricken, how could this have happened? They all looked at Ezra, staring at his blood stained hands, but not seeing them, their hearts broke at the sight before them, then they watched as Ezra's eyes closed and he slid over onto his side, finally passing out from the blood loss.
The doctor began to examine Ezra, as the others looked on, his pulse was weak and his breathing shallow, he had lost a lot of blood, but the wound wasn't that severe. Once they got him stitched up and some blood into him, he should be all right physically.
"How is he doctor?" Chris asked.
"His injury is not severe, it's mainly the blood loss, he should be fine, physically."
"What about emotionally?" Josiah asked, he was worried about Ezra, he had never seen him like that. He knew once Ezra started dealing with his emotions, it was going to be hell, especially since he normally hid his emotions.
"Too soon to tell, but I can tell you that there is a war going on inside his mind, it's what's causing this state, he has closed the rest of the world off, while his mind fights the battle."
"What kind of battle?" JD asked.
"Well, the mind is a very complicated thing, especially with someone as intelligent as Agent Standish, but the war is between the part of his brain that wants to pretend that none of this happened, essentially erasing it from his memory, and the part of his brain that wants to deal with it, wants to try and sort it all out."
"What can we do?" Vin asked as the orderly's gently laid Ezra on a gurney, taking him to OR, to be stitched up and given a blood transfusion.
"Be there for him, talk to him and try to bring him out of it, I'll warn you, when he does come out of it, the emotions he will be dealing with will be strong and he won't be able to control them."
"What if Jessie dies?" It was the question that none of them wanted to ask, but Chris finally did, he wanted to know what would happen to Ezra.
"Well, I hope she doesn't, but if she does, Agent Standish may not recover, he could remain like he is, for the rest of his life."
"God I hope not." Buck whispered.
"All right, there's nothing more we can do for Ezra right now, so lets get this place cleaned up, Buck get a forensics team down here and start taking notes on the scene, Josiah and Nathan, interview the witnesses, JD go down to the cafeteria and bring back lots of coffee, Vin, you and I are going to see what we can find out about that man." He watched his men move much more slowly than usual, it was going to be hard to concentrate on the task at hand.
+ + + + + + +
Jessie was in surgery for 4 hours, she was in critical condition and her doctor was looking for Agent Standish, "Excuse me, would one of you be Agent Standish?"
"No he is in recovery, but I am his superior, can I help you?"
"I am doctor Collins, I finished operating on nurse Jessie and I needed to talk to Agent Standish about something I discovered."
"He's unconscious, but also in a catatonic state." Nathan said.
"I see, did he or Jessie know that she was pregnant?"
"What? No they had no idea, how far along is she?" Chris asked.
"She was between one and a half to two months along, but the gunshot wound, caused her to lose it."
"Oh no, I don't know if Ezra will be able to handle this." Chris was worried, as much as Ezra loved children, he would be devastated to know that he had unintentionally killed his own.
"We'll just have to be there for both of them, at least if Jessie survives, they will have each other." Josiah said.
Ezra was moved to a private room, once settled, a psychiatrist came in to examine him and have some tests run on his brain activity and such, but Ezra was still unconscious, so he couldn't do much more. The men all waited out in the hall, Chris and Vin were pacing, they were eager to see Ezra. Doctor Collins had told them that Jessie was now in a room down the hall, but it would be some time before she regained consciousness, Chris had sent JD to check on her.
JD stepped into Jessie's room, she was laying in the bed with lots of wires and tubes coming out of her, the heart monitor was beeping steadily. As he got closer to her, he could see the bulge of the bandage, that was on her abdomen, under the sheets. He felt so bad for both her and Ezra, he couldn't imagine how it would feel to be shot by the man you loved, no matter how accidental, but he really couldn't fathom how it would feel to shoot the woman you loved. He knew that when Ezra found out about the baby, he would be even more devastated, he wondered if they should even be told about it. He reached out and took Jessie's hand, she almost looked younger than he was, laying there like she was, he could understand why Ezra loved her, she was an angel, he just hoped she lived.
The doctor finally let the others go into Ezra's room, "He's still unconscious, it will be a bit before he wakes and more than likely he will still be unresponsive."
"How can we help?" Chris asked.
"Talk to him, try to break through the barrier he's put up to protect himself from any more trauma."
"That won't be easy, Ezra's always had walls up and we've barely started knocking those down," Vin said.
"Did he have a difficult childhood?"
"Yes, his mother showed him no love, she dumped him with any relatives she could find." Vin replied.
"That will make it harder, but you have to try."
"We will doctor, we don't want to lose him." Chris replied, then he went into the room, he looked at Ezra in the bed, he was pale and a light sheen of sweat covered his face, from a slight fever. Chris was beginning to feel like he spent more time with Ezra, in the hospital, than anywhere else. He pulled up a chair and sat down, watching Vin do the same on the other side, Josiah and Nathan sat in chairs around the bed, Buck was off running down some leads on the gunman.
To Chris, Ezra's face looked no different, completely expressionless, but he knew that deep inside his emotions were in turmoil, fighting each other for control. Ezra's current condition worried him more than physical injury did, at least with a physical injury you could see it and knew how to treat it, but this, he didn't know how to handle this, didn't know how to help Ezra. Personally he thought Jessie would be the only one that could help him, he just hoped she would be around to do so.
Vin leaned over and put his hand on Ezra's forehead, he could feel the warmth of his slight fever. He looked at Chris, he was just staring at Ezra, obviously lost in thought, "We'll get him through this Chris, I know we will."
"I hope so Vin, but if Jessie doesn't make it, I don't think we will."
"She'll make it, she's strong."
At that moment JD came into the room, moving quietly to join the others. "How is he?"
"Still unconscious, how's Jessie?" Chris asked.
"She's also unconscious, but her heart beat seemed strong and regular."
"That's good, I think we will need her to get Ezra through this." Vin replied.
"Chris, do you think we should even tell them about the baby? It would prevent a lot of pain for both of them." JD asked as he pulled a chair up at the end of the bed, sitting down and putting a hand on Ezra's foot.
"I thought about that, but it will be in her medical records and I don't think it's right to keep it from them, they have the right to grieve for it."
"Yeah, I guess your right about that." The room fell silent as they all thought about the pain and grief that Ezra would be going through. JD thought about Jessie, how she had looked so young and innocent, he thought about the grief she would be going through, he just hoped they could help both of them get through this.
Sometime during the night, Ezra opened his eyes, but they were blank and just stared at the wall. His mind was waging a war, he was being pulled in different directions, he remembered every second of what happened, with crystal clarity and it was tearing his heart and soul apart. He had shot Jessie, as far as he knew she could be dead, he wished to be also. He could see and hear the things and people around him but he did not register any of it in his mind, it was too filled with pain, grief and turmoil. He stared at the wall, but what he saw was the scene as he shot Jessie, playing over and over again, he knew he'd lost Jessie, she would never want to see him again, he had shot her.
Chris had sent everyone home for the night, he would stay with Ezra, the others needed their sleep. He wound up falling asleep too, but that was all right, nothing was happening anyway. However, when he did wake in the morning, he saw Ezra's eyes open. "Ezra, can you hear me?" He waved his hand in front of Ezra's face, he didn't even flinch. "Damn it, come on Ezra, you've got to come out of this, you weren't at fault, we all know that, now you just have to realize that." He put his hand on Ezra's, lifting it up, it was limp and his arm just fell back to the bed, his body was like a rag doll. Chris was getting even more worried, he had never seen anyone in this condition before and it scared him.
Jessie had wakened in the morning, briefly, seeing the doctor checking her. "Doctor, what happened?" she asked weakly.
"Jessie, you were shot, don't you remember?"
"Yes, Ezra......where is he? I know it was his bullet."
"Yes it was, he's in another room, he was shot in the shoulder."
"Is he all right?"
"We can talk about that later Jessie, you need to rest."
"Oh God, what's wrong with him?"
"Not now Jessie, get some more rest, then we will talk."
"All right." She was terrified, if the doctor wouldn't tell her how Ezra was, then he must be in bad shape, she fell asleep with tears in her eyes, wondering how all this could have happened.
The doctor went to Ezra's room, to talk to Agent Larabee. "Mr. Larabee, I thought you would want to know that Jessie was awake briefly, she asked about Agent Standish, but I didn't want to tell her anything until she was stronger."
"That's a good idea, I will get one of my men to sit with her, that way if she wakes, they can keep her company."
"Thanks, if she asks again, go ahead and let them tell her about Ezra, but not the baby, she's not strong enough to deal with that yet."
"Ok, thank you doctor." Chris knew JD would want to sit with Jessie, they were fairly close in age, Jessie was a little older, so they had a sort of brother, sister relationship.
"How is Agent Standish doing, I see he's awake."
"Yes, but he's still just as unresponsive as before and his body is as limp as a rag doll."
"Yes, that is normal with his condition, just keep trying to get through to him."
"I will, but I think Jessie is the only one that can help him."
"Ok, keep me informed."
"I will doctor, thank you." He watched the doctor leave, then turned back to Ezra, watching his blank eyes stare at the wall. He had never seen Ezra's eyes so dull and lifeless, it was almost as if Ezra wasn't really in there, that really scared
JD was more than happy to sit with Jessie, she was like the sister he never had and he wanted to help her. He sat there watching her sleep, again he was amazed at how young she looked, but then she was only 22, so she was young. When she and Ezra first became involved, he had not approved, because Ezra was so much older, but as he watched them, he saw how much they loved each other. It was sad that she now had to through so much pain and heartache, at such a young age.
"Ezra?" Jessie whispered.
Jessie's voice brought him out of his reverie, "No Jessie, it's JD, how ya feelin?"
"Weak and my stomach hurts, JD please tell me what's wrong with Ezra."
"All right, physically he's all right, lost a lot of blood, from the shoulder wound, but it's his mental state that has us worried."
"Why, what's wrong?" She began to cry, it sounded like Ezra had a serious problem.
"He's in a, what did they call it? A catatonic? state, I think that's right." He saw the tears on Jessie's face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
"No JD, but if he's catatonic, that means he was severely traumatized by this."
"Yes he was, it took a half hour, before the doctor could take care of his injury, because it took that long to pass out, from blood loss, they couldn't get him to budge otherwise." He took Jessie's hand, trying to comfort her.
"I have to see him." There was pleading in her voice and eyes.
"Your too weak, you can see him later." JD had trouble telling her that, seeing her big gray eyes looking at him with so much pain and fear in them. As if to prove his point though, her eyes drifted closed and she was asleep again.
+ + + + + + +
Chris turned as he heard Josiah come into the room, he knew that Josiah wanted to try and reach Ezra. "Hey Josiah, I'm going for some coffee, you want any?"
"No thanks Chris, I'll just sit here and talk to Ezra."
"Ok, there's been no change, a nurse came in earlier and put an IV in his arm, since he's unable to feed himself."
"Ok, thanks Chris." Josiah sat in the chair Vin had been in the day before, then put his hand on Ezra's shoulder. He watched Chris leave, then turned back to the handsome young man in the bed. "Hey brother Ezra, I don't know if you can hear me, but we want you to come back to us, we need you, Jessie needs you." It was so strange to Josiah, to see Ezra's eyes open, but not actually seeing anything, it was so heartbreaking. "Come on Ezra, none of this is your fault, you were trying to save lives and Jessie was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, but she's going to be ok, she needed surgery to repair a tear in her liver and to remove the bullet, but she's doing fine." He saw a single tear run down Ezra's cheek, but nothing else. He didn't know if it was something he said, or something his mind was dealing with, he reached out and gently brushed it away.
"Any luck?" Chris asked, seeing Josiah jump, "Sorry"
"No, a tear rolled down his cheek, but that's all." He was fairly certain now that Jessie was the only one that could get through to him. "It hurts to see him like this Chris."
"I know Josiah, all we can do is keep trying." Chris sat back down in the chair, looking at Ezra's face, his usually sparkling green eyes, now so dull and lifeless.
Ezra's mind was slowly trying to deal with the events that occurred, he had no sense of time passing, to him it had all just happened. His heart and soul ached from the thought that he had taken Jessie's life, she was too young to die. He heard voices and felt people's touch, but the words were too distant to understand what was being said. He didn't even register the tear that fell when he thought about Jessie possibly being dead, knowing it was all his fault, just like always. He became so tired that his body let his eyes close, it made no difference to him, but the men around him were a little more comfortable.
+ + + + + + +
What JD had told Jessie about Ezra's condition, made her dream about him. She dreamed about the last time they were together, two weeks before. He had known that he would be away from her for several weeks, so he had planned a special evening. They went to the finest restaurant in all of Denver and had an amazing meal, then went to the ballet, after which they went back to her apartment and had some wine in front of the fire. She could still feel his strong, warm embrace as he held her in his arms and kissed her, he made her feel so alive. They had moved to the bedroom after that, making love while her Celine Dion CD played in the background, it had been one of the most wonderful nights of her life. She had never thought she would be in love with an older man, he was about 8 years older, but he seemed younger, not in maturity, but in appearance and physical fitness. He was by far the most intelligent man she had ever met and she found it hard to believe that she was ready to get married already, she had always thought that she would be at least 28 to 30 before she settled down and started a family, but here she was, 22 and madly in love, wanting to give Ezra children and spend the rest of her life with him.
JD hated to see the pain on Jessie's face, as she slept, seeing the tears fall from her eyes. He knew what she was dreaming about, Ezra of course, he had wished he could take her to see him, it would help both of them, but she wasn't strong enough yet. He just sat and held her hand, trying to comfort her any way he could, he knew when she found out about the baby, she would be so devastated.
As the hours passed, Jessie's vitals became stronger, but she slept most of the time, always dreaming of Ezra. After the doctors last examination, he had removed the heart monitor and some other tubes, he wanted her to slowly start on solid food. All she wanted was to see Ezra, to let him know that she was all right, she just prayed she could bring him around. She felt so bad that Ezra was feeling all this pain and guilt, just because she picked the wrong time to step out of the stairwell.
The doctor came into the room, he had JD with him, it was time to tell Jessie about the baby and he wanted someone she knew, to be there to comfort her. "Hello Jessie, I'm pleased with your progress, of course your young, so you bounce back quickly."
"Thank you doctor Collins, Hi, JD."
"Hello Jessie." JD said, then sat next to her and took her hand.
"What's going on JD? It's not Ezra is it?" She began to panic.
"No, he's the same, the doctor needs to tell you something and I wanted to be here for you."
"JD, I don't understand, tell me what?" Her eyes were wide and filled with fear.
"Jessie, did you know you were pregnant?" The doctor asked her.
"What? No, I didn't, but that's a good thing, I want Ezra's baby." She felt happy, but a feeling of dread came over her and she squeezed JD's hand. "NO"
"I'm sorry Jessie, but you lost the baby when you were shot." The doctor stroked her hair, trying to comfort her.
Jessie couldn't believe she had been carrying Ezra's baby, it was what she wanted, but now it was gone. She began crying and her breathing was coming in great sobs, she felt JD gently take her in his arms, so she cried into his shoulder, holding on to him like a lifeline. She wondered if Ezra knew, but doubted it. She knew how much Ezra loved children and she knew he would blame himself for the death of his own, "Ezra"
"He doesn't know, since he's been catatonic all this time." Doctor Collins advised.
"Can I please be alone?"
"All right, but I'll be back to check on you shortly."
"Thank you." She needed to be alone to think and grieve, she really wanted to be with Ezra, but since they wouldn't let her out of bed yet, she would have to find a way to sneak in to his room.
+ + + + + + +
Ezra's eyes were open again, but they still showed no signs that they registered what they saw. Deep in his mind, the emotions and thoughts continued to wage a war, one side telling him he had killed Jessie, the other side telling him that he didn't know that for sure. He hated the thought that, the woman he loved more than life itself, might be dead. They had only been together for two months and Jessie was a little young, but he had actually been contemplating asking her to marry him, especially when he was away from her for those two weeks. He had never thought he could love anyone, his mother included, the way he loved Jessie, so what did he do? He shot her. Part of his mind told him it was an accident and not his fault, but that part of his mind that had gone though most of his life being blamed for things, told him otherwise.
It was hard for Buck to sit there with Ezra, the usually humorous, full of life undercover agent, seemed so lifeless now. He had tried talking to him earlier, but it hadn't accomplished anything and he was feeling frustrated and helpless. He looked up as JD came in, looking very down. "What's wrong kid?"
"The doctor just told Jessie about the baby, I was there for support."
"That must have been rough, she took it hard?"
"Very, she wants more than anything to give Ezra a child."
"They have plenty of time to try again, not that they were trying now, apparently."
"No, they weren't and your right, but it doesn't make it any less painful, you should have seen her Buck, she was so sad and she looked like a little girl."
"In a way she still is a little girl, but she will be all right, have a seat JD and just relax, you did what you could." He clapped JD on the shoulder, feeling for the kid.
JD and Buck looked up as doctor Collins came into the room, "Hi doc." Buck said.
"Gentlemen, Mr. Dunn, Jessie would like to see you."
"Sure, I will go now." JD was glad for something to do, it was breaking his heart to sit there watching Ezra stare at the wall, seeing only what was playing through his mind. He walked down the hall to Jessie's room, the halls seemed empty, but it was getting late. He walked into the room and saw the sad expression on Jessie's face, "Hey Jessie, you wanted to see me?"
"Yes JD, I need your help." She hoped he would do what she wanted and not deny her.
"Sure Jessie, what can I do?" JD was a bit puzzled, but would try to help her.
"First I need you to go to my apartment, my keys are in my purse at the nurses station, bring back my portable CD player, I think it's in the kitchen, and my Celine Dion CD, it's in the bedroom, it should be in the player."
"Sure Jessie, anything else?"
"Yes, who is sitting with Ezra tonight?"
"I am, why?"
"I need to be alone with Ezra, so I need you to help me get to his room, then leave us alone." She held her breath, waiting for his reply.
"I will do this for you Jessie, because I think it would help Ezra."
"Thank you JD." She took his hand and pulled him to her, kissing him on the cheek.
JD blushed fiercely and squeezed her hand, smiling at her, "I will go right now and get the things from your apartment," He turned to leave.
"Thank you again JD, you have no idea how much this means to me." She gave him a warm, but sad smile.
"No problem." He hurried back to Ezra's room to let Buck know he was going to run an errand, "I'll be back Buck, Jessie wants a few things from her apartment."
"Ok kid, I'll be here, but don't take too long, it's your turn to sit with Ezra tonight."
"I know Buck, I'm going straight there and straight back." Then he turned and was gone.
"That kids got too much energy." Buck said to Ezra, who didn't comprehend what was being said, "Well pard, sometimes I wouldn't mind being the way you are now, blocking out everything, not that I'd want what happened to you, to happen." He put his hand on Ezra's forehead, the fever was down, but not gone.
Ezra could hear Buck's voice, but it was muffled and he just ignored it, his mind was struggling to pull his thoughts and emotions together, but it was so hard, he had to use all of his mental strength, just to concentrate. He also felt Buck's hand on his forehead, but it provided no comfort, he wanted, needed Jessie. He was certain that he would never hold her or kiss her again, she was either dead, or hated him and he couldn't blame her, he hated himself.
A half hour later, JD came back and dropped off the CD and player, then went back to Ezra's room, so that Buck could go home. He would give Jessie some time to get ready for the walk from her room to Ezra's, she was still weak and it would probably cause pain in her abdomen. In the meantime, he checked Ezra, he seemed the same and JD was very worried, he just hoped that Jessie could make a difference.
Jessie put the CD into the player, she knew what number the song was on the CD, by heart. She then removed the IV from her arm and made sure the bandage on her abdomen was secure. She closed her eyes and prayed to God that her plan would work, she just laid there waiting for JD to come back and help her walk to Ezra's room. She had every detail worked out and she ran through it all again in her mind, again hoping it would bring Ezra around. She opened her eyes as someone came into the room, it was JD. "Everything ready JD?"
"Yes, are you ready?" He reached out and took her hand, helping her get out of bed.
"Yes, I need to be with Ezra." She clung to JD as her weak legs tried to give out, but after a moment, she became a little more steady. She felt him put his arm around her waist, for support.
"I am so grateful to you for helping me JD." They began walking, they looked around the hall, no one was around, the nurse was making rounds. The walk to Ezra's room wasn't that far, but in her weakened state, it took a few minutes. They walked to Ezra's bed, the tears beginning to fill Jessie's eyes as she saw Ezra just laying there, staring at nothing.
"I will leave you now Jessie, I will be sitting outside the door, so no one will bother you." He put the CD player on the night stand, having taken it from her when they left her room. "I hope this works, we all want Ezra back."
"I hope so too JD." She watched him go, taking a chair with him and closing the door. Now she would try to bring the man she loved, back to the real world. She took the CD player and set it closer to Ezra's bed, then climbed carefully into bed next to him, reaching over to turn the player on, making sure the volume was low. She then laid her head on his shoulder, her hand on his chest and once the song began, she moved her head so that her mouth was next to his ear. Jessie began softly singing along to the words of the song, "The first time ever I saw your face, I thought the sun rose in your eyes........and the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave." Her hand moved to his face, caressing it gently, not seeing any change so far, then continued singing, "To the night and the empty skies my love, to the night and the empty skies. The first time ever I kissed your mouth, I felt the earth turn in my hand, like the trembling heart of a captive bird, that was there at my command my love, that was there at my command." Jessie couldn't sing any more, she was crying, this song was so perfect for how she felt about Ezra and right now he wasn't even responding. She put her head back on his shoulder, her hand back on his chest, feeling it rise and fall as he breathed and cried, she let the CD continue to play, hoping it would get through to Ezra.
Ezra felt someone laying next to him, saying something into his ear, but couldn't focus on it. He also seemed to hear music, but again couldn't quite make it out. He began to shift the focus of his concentration to the music, so he could find out what it was, he also wanted to know who was laying next to him, there was only one person it could be, but she was dead, or hated him, so she wouldn't be laying next to him, holding him, would she? He was confused now and tried to concentrate harder on the sounds and feelings around him, forgetting about his torn emotions.
Jessie held Ezra tighter and cried harder, as the next song came on, it was another song that made her think of her love for Ezra.
I wanna to be the face you see when you
close your eyes
I wanna be the touch you need every single night
I wanna be your fantasy
And be your reality.
And everything in between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you,
Need you
I wanna be the eyes that look deep into your soul
I wanna be the world to you I just want it all
I wanna be your deepest kiss
The answer to your every wish
And all you ever need
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
I everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
The way that I taste you, feel you, breathe you,
need you.
I want you to need me, need me.
Coz I need you more than you could know
And I need you to never never let me go
And I need to be deep inside your heart
I just want to be everywhere you are.
I want to be the face you see when you
Close your eyes
I want to be the touch you need every single night
I wanna be your fantasy
And your reality
And everything between
I want you to need me
Like the air you breathe
I want you to feel me
In everything
I want you to see me
In your every dream
'Cause baby I taste you, feel you, breathe you
need you
I want you to need me, need me
Like I need you.
Jessie continued to cry, even as the CD stopped, that song had made her heart and soul fill with love for Ezra and she truly needed him. She felt his chest rise and fall as he breathed, but she was too afraid to look at his face, fearing nothing had gotten through to him. She couldn't fight it any longer, she looked up and saw that his eyes were still staring, but there were tears falling down his cheeks, he had heard it, now she just had to wait. "Ezra, my love, please come back to me, I need you, I love you and I don't blame you for anything." She moved up and kissed his mouth, tasting him for the first time in weeks, it felt so good, she just wished he would respond. She put her head back on his shoulder, feeling very discouraged and tired, she began to drift off, when she felt his arm come around her, holding her tight.
Jessie was so happy when she felt Ezra's arm come around her and hold her, but was it because he was coming around, or just a reflex action? She tipped her head up to look at his face, his head had fallen to the side and his eyes were closed, so she didn't know if he was all right or not and she would not wake him. She gently kissed the tear from his check, then kissed his mouth, hoping that he would be back when he woke again. She snuggled against him and fell asleep herself, feeling happy for the first time in days.
JD was a little worried, it was very quiet in the room, so he got up and went in, just to make sure they were all right. What he saw warmed his heart, Jessie was laying next to Ezra in the bed, his arm was around her, which he thought was a very good sign, and they were both asleep. He quietly went back out to his chair in the hall, the nurse had asked what was going on once, he explained and she understood.
+ + + + + + +
In the morning, JD was wakened by Chris, he was still in the chair out in the hall. "Morning Chris."
"JD, what the hell are you doing out here, you should be in keeping an eye on Ezra." Chris was angry that JD wasn't doing his job.
"Chris, I am out here, because Jessie is in there, she has been all night and I think she actually got through to Ezra, I looked in on them and his arm was around her."
"Well, I hope so, but that doesn't mean much, are they asleep?"
"Yes, the last time I checked, about a half hour ago"
"All right, I'm going for coffee, want any?"
"Yeah, thanks Chris." JD smiled, he was afraid he'd be in trouble for helping Jessie with her plan, but Chris wasn't mad.
"Ok, we will check in on the two love birds when I get back." Chris let a small smile cross his face, it had been a long time since he saw two people as in love, as Ezra and Jessie were.
Jessie woke up feeling refreshed, but her abdomen was hurting something awful, since she had taken her IV out, she no long got the pain medication, but being in Ezra's arms made up for every bit of it. She looked up at him again, he was still asleep, but his face seemed to have some expression to it, it wasn't slack like before. She just laid there, her hand caressing his chest, letting him know she was there and that she loved him, hoping that when he woke, he would be coherent again.
Ezra knew it was Jessie, knew that she had been singing her song to him last night, knew that she still loved him. It warmed his heart and soul, but he still felt incredibly guilty for what he'd done, he hoped that when he woke, he could tell Jessie how incredibly sorry he was and that he would have traded his own life to save her. He could feel her against him, caressing his chest with her hand, he had missed her touch so much over the last two weeks and he wanted to make love to her, but neither of them were in any condition for that. He finally opened his eyes and looked down at the beautiful woman in his arms, so happy that she hadn't been taken from him, "Jessie?"
"Ezra, your awake and your ok, thank God, I was so worried."
"I love you Jessie and I am so sorry for what I did, I would have traded my life for yours in.........." He felt Jessie's finger press to his lips to silence him.
"Shhhhh Ezra, it wasn't your fault, just hold me." His arm held her tighter and they began sharing a deep, soul consuming kiss, both so happy to have to other back in their life.
Ezra heard Jessie moan, but it sounded to him like a moan of pain, so he stopped kissing her, brushing her hair back from her face, "Are you all right Darlin?"
"I'm sorry Ezra, it's my abdomen, since I don't have the IV, with the pain medication in it, I am in pain." She smiled at him, he was always so concerned about her.
"Let me ring for the nurse, you just lay still." He reached over and pushed the call button. "There, now you can get something for the pain."
"They might make me go back to my room." She hoped not, she never wanted to leave Ezra's arms again.
"I don't want you to go Jessie, I need you right now." He held her tighter with his good arm, taking her mouth gently.
"Oh Ezra, I wish you wouldn't feel guilty, none of it was your fault, you saved at least one life, if not more." She caressed his face with her hand, she was dreading telling him about the baby, especially as guilty as he was feeling now, but it needed to be done.
Then the nurse came in, with Chris and JD in tow, they were worried that something was wrong. "What can I do for you Agent Standish?"
"Jessie removed her IV so she needs some pain medication for her abdomen."
"You really should go back to your room Jessie."
"I know Sue, but I need to be with Ezra right now."
"All right, I will get you something." She turned to leave, then heard Ezra's voice.
"Where is Abby?" He hadn't seen her since he got here.
"She's on vacation, why?"
"No reason, she's just a friend of mine." He wished she was here right now, he would like to have seen her. "Thank you nurse."
The nurse left and Chris and JD stepped closer, not wanting to disturb the couple, but also wanting to know how Ezra was doing. "Hey Ezra, how ya feelin?" JD asked.
"Better, thank you Mr. Dunn, I still have some guilt issues to work out, but I think I will be all right."
"Jessie, have you told him yet?" Chris asked, he knew it would take some prodding for her to tell him about the baby.
"No, I was just about to when the nurse came in." She was dreading this, but there was no turning back now, Chris had forced the issue.
"Tell me what? Jessie, what's going on?" Ezra was confused, what was everyone talking about and why did they look so sad.
"I'm sorry Ezra, but I was pregnant when I got shot, I lost our baby." The tears began to fall again as she thought about it, cringing inwardly at what his response would be.
"I killed our baby?" His own tears began to fall, he was responsible for the death of his own child, how could he ever live with himself. It was at this moment that he decided to leave the ATF, to get as far away from guns as possible, he never wanted to see another gun.
"Ezra no, please don't see it that way, it wasn't your fault, we have plenty of time to have more." She caressed his face, brushing the tears from his cheek, wanting to take his pain and guilt away.
"Mr. Larabee, I wish to tender my resignation."
The look on Chris's face could not be mistaken, it was a look of utter shock, he couldn't believe what Ezra had just said. "I'm sorry Ezra, I can't do that, you are too important to the team, we need you and care about you."
"Chris please, I don't think I can ever pick up another gun."
Chris's heart broke at the pain and anguish in Ezra's eyes, but he couldn't just let him walk away, he was too important to him and the rest of the men.
"Gee Ezra, we would sure hate to see ya leave." JD said.
"Thank you Mr. Dunn, but I don't know what else to do." Ezra was fighting to gain control of his emotions, but he didn't seem to be able to right now, the tears fell freely from his emerald eyes, the pain and guilt of shooting Jessie, then finding out he had killed their baby, it was too much, he needed to be away from it all.
"Ezra, why don't we compromise, take a month's leave of absence, go away some where, just you and Jessie, be alone together and deal with your emotions, if after that time, you still want to quite, then I will accept your resignation."
"All right Mr. Larabee, I will do as you ask, but I don't think I will change my mind." He sighed, he loved the idea of spending a month alone with Jessie, hell he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, but he was afraid that if he kept his job, something like this could happen again, only much worse next time. He felt Jessie move in his arms and looked into her beautiful gray eyes. "What do you think Jessie?"
"I don't want you to give up your job, it's your life, but I think a month alone together would be wonderful" She kissed him gently, not concerned with the fact that the others were in the room, she loved Ezra too much to care.
"Jessie, you are my life and I don't want to lose you, not for anything." He kissed her back, then held her tightly.
"We will let you both get some rest, Ezra if you want you can use my cabin in the mountains." Chris would be more than happy to let Ezra use it.
"Thank you Mr. Larabee, I might just do that." He watched them go, then turned back to Jessie, kissing her again. He never wanted to let go of her, but he was tired and his shoulder ached, he felt she would be more comfortable if she went back to her room, besides, he needed time alone to think. "Jessie, when the nurse comes back with your pain medicine, I think you should go back to your room, we both need rest and I need time to think."
"Sure Ezra, I understand, we will have plenty of time to be together later." She kissed him long and deep again, then got out of the bed and headed for the door, as the nurse came in. "I love you Ezra."
"I love you Jessie."
Jessie walked back to her room and promptly fell asleep, after taking her pain medicine, she dreamed of Ezra, of what the next month would be like, no one but the two of them, it would certainly tell her if they could have a life together. If they couldn't be alone together for a month, then it would not be wise to get married, but on the other hand, if it was wonderful and they spent all their time loving each other, then it was meant to be, she hoped for the latter and was sure that being alone for a month with Ezra would be anything but bad. She slept deeply for the first time in days.
Ezra lay in bed thinking, his emotions were so out of control and he couldn't seem to get them back under control. He wanted nothing to do with the ATF or anything that involved guns, ever again, but on the other hand, what else would he do? He didn't know. Loving Jessie was easy, but he had to do more with his life than just spending his time with her, he needed a purpose, something he had never had until he joined the ATF, he was glad that Chris had given him this opportunity to sort things out, not letting him make a snap decision. Ezra finally fell asleep, dreaming of the time he would spend with Jessie, fighting to keep the nightmares of the shooting at bay.
It was another week before Ezra and Jessie were allowed to leave the hospital, their doctors did not want them to go away some where for at least another week, so they could be sure both were completely healed, physically any way. The doctors knew it would take time for them to heal emotionally and thought the idea of going away together, was just what they needed.
Ezra had been spending the last few days at Chris's place, his leader not wanting him to be left alone just yet. Chris had been wakened every night by Ezra's scream's, as he had nightmares about the shooting, it was breaking Chris's heart and there was nothing he could do, but go in and try to calm and comfort his southern friend. They had found out that the gunman was one of two men that had been involved in an attempted bank robbery, his companion had been shot and he was seeking bandages and medicine for him. It took some time, but they had found the other man, he was dead from blood loss.
Ezra felt so bad that he was causing Chris to lose sleep, from his nightmares, he wanted to go to his own home, but Chris wouldn't let him. He was looking forward to the trip to the mountains with Jessie, a month alone with her, just the two of them, they had a lot of healing to do and he very much wanted to replace the child he had taken from her, from them. He had one more check up tomorrow, then he and Jessie could be on their way, this time of year up there would be wonderful. It would be warming up, as spring worked it's way over the land, bringing things to life.
"Ezra, are you all right?" Chris asked, noting his distant, sad look.
"Fine Mr. Larabee, just thinking about the trip to your cabin." He half smiled, letting Chris know he was all right.
"You sure your not hiding something?" He was always worried that Ezra was keeping something from him, so as not to worry him.
"I am quite sure Chris, I do not deny that my shoulder still gives me pain, but you have forced me to wear this sling, so it's fine." He had a hint of sarcasm in his voice, but it was a playful sarcasm.
"All right Ezra, I'll leave you alone, I have to head to work now anyway."
"Do have a good day Mr. Larabee, send my greetings to the rest of my compatriots."
"I will Ezra." Chris went out the door, worried about leaving Ezra alone, just as he had been for the last several days.
Ezra gave Chris his famous two fingered salute, then laid down on the couch, he hadn't been sleeping well, he was afraid to go to sleep, for fear the nightmares would return, then once he was asleep, the nightmares came and made his sleep restless and constantly woke him. He closed his eyes, letting Jessie's face fill his mind, hoping that her beautiful face could keep his nightmares away. He fell asleep and for once did not have any nightmares, just a peaceful sleep, he only woke when his shoulder began to ache, so he got up and took something. He then called Jessie, he needed to talk to her, hear her voice, and see if she was ready to go, once he had his check up tomorrow. "Hello Darlin."
"Hi Ezra, how are you feeling sweetheart?"
"Not bad, you?"
"Good actually, I am so excited about our trip, I want to spend time with you, we have much to sort out and a lot of healing to do." She had a certain sadness in her voice, but also excitement.
"Yes we do my dear, but I know that everything will work out and we can be happy together."
"So do I Ezra, I.........I love you so much and I want to give you the child you want."
"Jessie?"
"Yes Ezra?"
"I love you and I want to have a family with you too." He hoped she picked up on what he was saying, that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
"Ezra, I think I know what your saying, but I think we should wait until after we've spent this next month together, to make a decision." She so desperately wanted to say yes, but knew it would be best to wait.
"Very well, I can understand where you are coming from, I will talk to you later my love."
"Goodbye Ezra."
Ezra hung up the phone and then began to cry, he did this often, still unable to control his emotions, it was very hard for him, he was so used to being in complete control of them, so this was difficult. He struggled to get them under control, he hoped he could regain control while he was away, otherwise, if he decided to stay in the ATF, he would be no good as an undercover agent.
Ezra was glad to be done with that last check up, he hated going to the doctor and now he and Jessie could head up to the mountains, they had much healing to do, at least he did anyway. He drove back to his townhouse, gathering the things together that he would need for the trip, knowing Jessie was also getting her things together. Ezra was moving fairly quickly, he wanted to get up to the cabin before it got dark, Chris had told him that there was plenty of food and fire wood, so they shouldn't need anything, but their personal belongings. He picked up the phone and dialed Jessie's number, "Hi Darlin, are you ready to go?"
"Yes Ezra, I am so very ready to go." She could still hear a great deal of sadness in his voice and it worried her, "Are you all right sweetie?"
"Yes Jessie, I am just ready to get out of here and be alone for a while." He was so touched by her concern, he was also overwhelmingly grateful that he hadn't lost her, he needed her so much right now. "I love you, I will be there in a few minutes."
"I love you Ezra, I will be waiting." She hung up the phone, she knew her work was cut out for her, it would not be easy to bring Ezra out of his depression and back to his normal, happy self. She went into the bedroom and brought out her suitcase, setting it by the front door, then sat down on the couch and waited for him to arrive. It didn't take long before she heard his soft knock on the door, she walked to it and opened it, they had not seen each other in several days and she was so happy to see his handsome face, but the sadness in his eyes tore at her heart. She took him in her arms, holding him tight, letting her love for him flow from her to him. "Ezra, it breaks my heart to see you so sad."
"I am sorry Darlin, I do not seem to be able to control my emotions these days, the fact that they are all bad emotions doesn't help either."
"We will fix that when we get to the cabin, I promise Ezra, I will make you happy again." She pulled away slightly, smiling at him slyly, then she began to kiss him, taking his mouth slowly and letting it linger.
Ezra broke the kiss, then attempted to smile, but it didn't reach his emerald eyes. "I certainly hope so Darlin, shall we be going? I want to get there before nightfall."
"Sure Ezra, my suitcase is right here." She picked it up, but he took it from her, she was grateful, because her abdomen still gave her some pain, but she was worried about Ezra's shoulder, the suitcase wasn't real heavy, but still. She locked the door behind them, then followed Ezra to his Jag, getting in the passenger side as he put her suitcase in the back, then they were off. The drive up was deathly quiet, neither of them really spoke, Jessie hoped the entire trip wasn't like this, it would become unbearable. "Ezra, please talk to me."
"What do you want to discuss Jessie?" He kept his eyes on the road, not letting Jessie see the makings of the tears in his eyes, as he thought of the baby he had lost, had killed.
"Please Ezra, I know your in a lot of pain, you feel responsible for our baby's death, but your not."
"I wish I could make my heart and soul believe that, but I can't Jessie, now please, I need to concentrate on driving."
"All right Ezra, but we are going to talk about this when we get to the cabin."
"Very well, if that's what you want." He glanced at her and could see the concern in her eyes, he hated that he was worrying her, but it was hard for him to talk about his emotions, he was not used to it. He reached out and caressed her cheek, "I'm sorry Jessie, I am just not used to discussing my emotions."
"It's all right Ezra, we have plenty of time." She took his hand and squeezed it, then kissed his fingers. They rode the rest of the way in silence, it was almost dark when they arrived, so Ezra got a fire started, while Jessie fixed some dinner, it was going to be a very interesting month.
After Ezra and Jessie had something to eat, they sat on a rug in front of the fire, Ezra holding Jessie in his arms, her back to him. He was glad she was seated that way, then she couldn't see the tears in his eyes, sitting here like this with her, made the reality of what had happened, really hit home, they could be making preparations to get married and have their baby, instead they were just trying to sort out their emotions and find some sort of happiness again. He just sat staring into the fire, letting the emotions run through his mind, hoping it would help him make sense of things, the feel of Jessie in his arms brought him some comfort.
Jessie reached back to caress Ezra's face, she was so happy to be here with him, just the two of them, holding each other. Then she felt the moisture on his face and turned around in his arms, a look of deep concern in her gray eyes. "Oh Ezra, what's wrong?"
"I killed our baby." The tears were falling freely at the moment, he could not control them and he didn't care.
"No Ezra, you didn't, that bastard with the gun, that tried to kill Kelly, he's responsible for everything, not you." She brushed the tears from his face, the sorrow in his eyes broke her heart.
"I know that's true, but I still can't seem to accept that, it way my bullet that hit you, my gun that fired the bullet, my hand that was holding the gun, it was all me."
"Ezra, I wish I knew what to do, except to say that it wasn't your fault, I don't know what else to do." She began crying, then wrapped her arms around him and held him tight, letting him cry on her shoulder. She caressed his hair, trying to soothe him, she so loved his hair, it was so soft and thick.
"Jessie?"
"Yes Ezra?"
"I love you and I want to give you another baby." His voice was low and a bit muffled by her shoulder, but he knew she heard him.
"Ezra, I love you too and I want more than anything to have your baby, but there is no hurry, we hadn't planned the last one, it just happened." She felt him pull away, then looked into his beautiful emerald eyes, they were still full of sorrow, but also a deep love now. "Ezra, can you promise me something?"
"If I can Darlin." He was curious as to what she wanted him to promise her, but would try if he could.
"Just promise to love me and never leave me, I want you to stay with the ATF, it's your life and you wouldn't be happy with anything else." She took his face in her hands as she spoke.
"The first part of that is easy Jessie, I want you and I need you, I want us to get married and have a family, but as for the ATF, I don't know that I can promise anything." He took her face in his hands in return, caressing her face with his thumbs.
"That's why I brought this." She pulled his revolver out of a bag and held it up, "I want you to try and hold it and use it again, while we are here, you have to."
"Jessie, please put that away, I can't deal with that now."
"All right Ezra, I will put it away, but it's here and I want you to try and handle it again." The fear she saw in his eyes worried her, but she would just have to keep working on him. She put the gun back in the bag, then tossed it on the sofa, moving closer to Ezra and kissing him gently. "Ezra, make love to me, please?"
"Darlin, I want that too, but I don't know if I am ready." He felt her kissing his neck, her hands moving to caress his chest through his shirt, so he began to return the favor. By the time the month was over, Ezra and Jessie's relationship was stronger than ever and they were making plans for their wedding, Jessie was pregnant again, not having taken the pill since she got shot, and Ezra had become friends with his revolver again, not afraid to hold it and had actually fired it a few times, he would not leave the ATF.
The End
