Guilt
I never thought nothin' would prove to be stronger than our friendship. Our bond. Closer than brothers. Always figured it was the one thing I could count on. That no matter where we wound up or what seperate roads we traveled, I'd always have one person willin' to back me. Shows what a damn fool I was. You'd think I'd know what a cruel bitch life can be by now. But it still threw me for a loop when I found out there is somethin' stronger than us. Stronger than our friendship.
Guilt. I see it on my face every time I look in a mirror. Saw it on your face when you saddled up to ride out with me. I feel it in my bones with every breath I take now. Hear it in the careful way the others speak around me. Like they know how close I am to cracking. To shattering into a million pieces. Like the teacup Mary Travis was holding when she first caught sight of you, slung over the saddle half dead. Who would've thought a bunch of rough and ready gunslinger types could be so damn sensitive? I wish they would scream. Yell. Cuss. Blame me. It would make what I gotta do easier.
I guess I was still only half used to the notion of havin' friends. Family. And that's why I went off half cocked like I did. I'd always done what I wanted without it hurtin' anyone but me. But that was before I met ya'll. And I forgot that. Hell bent on clearin' my name. The Tanner name. I didn't want to wait for the others. Even though they were due back from Calico in another day or so. This was the first bit of hope I'd had since Eli Joe was killed. A witness that I'd only now heard about. It was a slim hope. But I was determined to pursue it. Right then. Against your better judgement, you came with me. Outta guilt. Because you were the one who'd killed Eli Joe. And friendship. Because that's the kind of man you were.
It's like guilt is an endless circle. A snake feedin' on its own tail. Back and forth it goes. From you to me to the others and back again. Until here we are.
Nathan says you'll probably regain the use of your arms. But you'll never walk again. And he says the Chris Larabee we knew is gone for good. Taken by that same bullet that almost claimed your life. It did claim your soul. Your spirit. Your mind. It should've been me. But it's not. It's you that lays there in that bed. You that looks at me with the bewildered eyes of a child. No longer capable of understanding the adult world around you. I'd almost say you were the lucky one. Except that sometimes, I can see the man staring out at me from those green eyes of yours. A man that understands. A man that is trapped. Terrified. Beggin' me to end it with a pleadin' glance. 'Cause he can't find the words. Not anymore.
But I can't do it. And I can't stay here neither. Can't bear to see that look again. None of the others see it. Maybe it's just me. I don't know. But it don't matter. The others will take real good care of ya. Better than I could. Better than I did. And if I'm not here, don't have to see ya, then maybe I can fool myself into thinkin' you'll be ok. That a miracle will occur. Nathan says anything is possible. But I can hear the truth in his voice. The truth that says nothin' will change. Except maybe to get worse.
Ya always said I was like one of them wild things that would chew off its own leg to get free of the trap. Appears you were right. Usually were. 'Cause that's what this town has become. What our friendship has become. A trap that I'm desperate to be free of. Guilt. Remorse. Pain. I know they'll follow me. I know I ain't gonna get rid of them just by leavin'. But at least maybe out there, on my own, I'll be able to breathe a bit easier. Won't have to look at the others and wonder who's next. Won't have to care anymore. I hope ya understand, cowboy. And forgive me. For everything.
The End