Secrets
"But we're his friends!" JD protested, swivelling around in his chair to stare accusingly at his fellow agent, Buck Wilmington
"That may be true, JD. But Chris just told me that we're supposed to sit tight. He'll call if he needs our help." Buck shrugged his shoulders. After over a decade of friendship, he was used to Chris Larabee and his ways
"But we don't even know what the problem is." JD was clearly not happy about that situation
"I hate it when he acts like he has to keep secrets from us," the young agent continued to mutter petulantly
"We're his friends," JD reiterated stubbornly, as if repeated application of this phrase would somehow cause Chris Larabee to magically appear in ATF headquarters and start spilling his guts
"Every man has secrets, JD. Sometimes especially from his friends." JD shook his head as he watched Josiah Sanchez lean back in his chair. The man had one large hand wrapped incongruously around a dain'ty porcelain cup from which he took periodic sips. The cup contained some vile type of Turkish coffee concoction. JD had tried it once and he shuddered now at the memory. He would never understand his fellow agents' unholy attachments to coffee in all its various forms. Give him a glass of milk anyday.
"But I don't have any secrets from you guys," JD protested indignantly
Josiah raised his eyebrows and gave JD a thoughtful look. "Then you are indeed a lucky man," the deep voice rumbled softly
Nathan Jackson murmured his agreement, dark eyes touched with the shadow of bitter memory
Ezra Standish lowered his gaze and began to idly twirl the miniature snow globe, sitting on his desk, in nimble fingers. He watched intently as the tiny white flakes drifted down to settle upon the Las Vegas Hotel and Casino depicted inside. The tacky ornament stuck out like a sore thumb amidst the stark elegance of that particular desk, but yet it somehow managed to make a place for itself anyway. Rather like its owner. Buck and JD had gifted him with it after a particularly memorable trip to that desert oasis. Truth be told, Ezra was rather fond of it. (Although he would never admit that to Buck or JD) It had been a helluva weekend
Buck Wilmington was uncharacteristically silent. No jokes. No pointed remarks aimed in JD's direction. He just sat, rifling idly through his Baywatch desktop calendar. But the corded muscles in neck and back betrayed the tension he was feeling
Silence reigned in the office as each man was sunk in memories of the past. It was several minutes before a tentative sound from JD caused the other four men to glance at the young agent
"I...you're right. There is something I've never told you. Never told anyone." The young man's voice was full of an odd determination
"JD. You don't have to..." Josiah's voice radiated a gentle understanding
"No. I...I want to tell you. Friends shouldn't have secrets."
"Kid..," Buck began
"Please, Buck. I want to do it." JD's tone conveyed the sudden need he felt to unburden himself
"You have our full attention, Mr. Dunne. Pray, proceed." For once there was nothing but sincerity in the southern agent's tone
JD took a deep breath and stared fixedly at the monitor in front of him. It was still showing a scene from Tomb Raider 3, his current favorite game. When he finally began speaking, the words came rapidly, almost without pause. As if a floodgate had been opened somewhere in the boy's soul
"You remember how I told you my ma died when I was eighteen? She was sick for a long time before that. It was just the two of us and we didn't have anything in the way of insurance. The state used to send a nurse out once a week, but it wasn't nearly enough. So most of the care fell on me. My ma and I were real close, so I didn't mind, most of the time. But every once in a while, when I'd see the other kids going out, having fun...Then I hated it. Hated her for being sick."
JD stopped, voice thick with unshed tears.
"It was an understandable feeling, son. It doesn't make you anything but human." JD appeared to not even hear the big man's attempt at comfort
"One night, there was this big party happening. I wanted to go so bad I could taste it. Mama would've let me go, if I'd asked her. She seldom ever asked anything for herself. She was always trying to get me to go out with my friends. But how could I leave her all alone? But that one night I figured maybe it was all right to go out. Then she asked me if I would read to her. She used to like for me to do that. I'd sit by her bed and read until she fell asleep. But all of a sudden, I just couldn't stand the thought of sitting in that stuffy room, smelling of sickness and death. So I lied. Told her I had to study at the library. And then I left. When I came back, she was dead. She'd died all alone. Because I wanted to go to some stupid party."
The pain in that young voice was heartbreaking to hear, as it continued with bitter self recrimination. "You want to know the really funny part? I felt too guilty to go to the party. I wound up wandering around aimlessly for a while and then going to see a movie. I left halfway through it. To this day, I still can't remember what movie it was." The dark haired young man shrugged his shoulders in an attempt to downplay his emotions
"She deserved a son a whole lot better than the one she got," JD half whispered in conclusion
The four listeners were quiet for a moment as they struggled to find the right words to ease their friend's guilt
"On the contrary, Mr. Dunne. JD. I would say she received exactly what she deserved. One childish, ill timed fib does not undo the fact that you were a wonderful son to what sounds like a remarkable woman." Surprisingly, it was Ezra who managed to find the words. Or perhaps not so surprisingly. The southern agent had a tender, sensitive streak a mile wide, that he did his best to keep hidden. Surrounding it with a flippant, materialistic, care for nobody attitude, he'd managed to fool most people. Including himself, at times
"Thanks, Ezra. She was a remarkable woman." JD didn't say anything further, but the hands, which had been clenched tightly in his lap, began to relax and he leaned back in his chair with a sigh
"I got something I ain't never told ya'll, either." Nathan Jackson's voice startled them all out of the reverie they'd fallen into after JD's story
Everyone's attention focused on the healer in surprise. Nathan was perhaps the most strictly moral out of all of them. It was difficult to believe he had any shameful secret in his past. But apparently, he did. He folded his hands on the desk and stared down at them as he continued speaking
"I was workin' two jobs back as an undergrad in college. I had classes in the morning, then I'd go to my job at the hospital in the afternoon. Evenings and weekends I spent as a busboy in a fancy uptown restaurant. I never told anyone at the hospital about my second job. Too proud, I guess. Anyway, even workin' the two jobs, it was tough to make ends meet. I didn't know how I was gonna afford another semester. And my grades were startin' to slip. I just didn't have enough time to study in between work and all. So I was feelin' pretty desperate. Gettin' my degree was the most important thing in my life. But I just couldn't see how I would be able to do it. Not without a whole lot of money."
"This ain't the part where you tell us you robbed a bank and we have to arrest you, is it?" Buck interrupted, grinning at the healer
"No. It ain't. Now do you want to hear this or not?" Nathan was not amused
"Sorry, pard. Go on." Buck looked slightly abashed as four sets of eyes turned to glare in his direction
"Anyway, one night, when I was workin' at the restaurant, I saw the wife of my boss at the hospital. She was sittin' at a table with one of the new interns and she was all over him like a starvin' man at a banquet. She saw me about a few minutes later and kind of froze up for a minute. Then she whispered something to her companion and they left in a big hurry. I didn't have a chance to say anything to her, then. So the next day, I went to see her before work. I wanted to let her know that it wasn't any of my business and I wouldn't be sayin' anything to her husband. But when she came into the room, she was holdin' something out to me and her face was all scrunched up like there was a bad smell. Like I was a bad smell."
"Here," she said, lookin' down her nose at me. "I've been expecting you. Your type is all the same. But don't think that there will be more where this came from. I don't value my marriage that highly."
"I grabbed the check from her, intending to rip it up and throw it back in her face. But then I saw how much it was for. It was for $25,000. Enough to let me quit my job at the restaurant. Enough to make sure I graduated. So I took it. I took her damn blood money. But I paid back every cent, with interest. The look on her face when I gave her my check was almost worth the price. Almost."
The other agents exchanged glances as the healer fell silent. What to say?
Josiah finally broke the uneasy silence. "At least the blood was only on the money and not on your hands." The big man regarded his large, blunt fingered hands sadly
"What're ya talkin' about, Josiah?" Buck asked, stealing a surreptitious glance at his friend's hands
"I'm talking about how it was my arrogance, my blindness, that got my first partner killed, back when I was working Vice. God rest her soul."
The big man paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts
"My father, as you know, was a missionary. A stern, rigid man, convinced that he always knew what was best. What was right. I grew up, determined to prove him wrong. So, when I joined the force and began working vice, I thought I had found the perfect means. I wouldn't just make arrests. I'd redeem lives. Save souls. Show my father that kindness and understanding worked better than fear and condemnation. I was a bigger fool than he was. About three months after I started working, I busted a prostitute by the name of Lily. She was young. Very beautiful. She told me how much she wanted off the streets. So I began giving her a break whenever I could. Helping her out. My partner tried to warn me off of her. Said the girl was no good. That she was just using me. But I was so sure that I had the power to save Lily, I didn't listen to my partner. One day, Lily came to me and offered to become an informant. Said she was in real good with a big time drug supplier that we were after. I believed her and started working on a deal for her. I thought this was the start of something. That now she'd have to get off the streets. I thought she was doing this to repay me. Turned out, I should have listened to my partner. She'd still be alive if I had. And so would Lily. Because the whole thing was a set up. Lily was an informant, all right. For the drug dealer. She and my partner were killed in what was supposed to be a simple bust on our part."
Josiah sighed heavily. "I found out, to my sorrow, that I was far more like my father than I'd realized. And my partner and Lily paid for that knowledge in blood."
"But you're not like your father, Josiah. You're just about the kindest, most understanding man I know," JD spoke firmly, allowing no room for argument
"Why, thank you, JD. That's a mighty kind thing to say." Josiah didn't smile, but the darkness in his eyes seemed to diminish slightly
"Well, since this appears to be the day in which to impart secrets, perhaps..." But the others would never know what the southerner had been about to say, for just then, the phone rang
"Lock and load, boys. Chris and Vin need our help." Buck hung up the phone and sprang to his feet.
A few minutes later, the five men were out the door. The rest of their secrets would have to be shared another day. Right now, it was business as usual.
The End