Note One: Don’t own the characters, don’t get any financial compensation from writing this. If I did, I wouldn’t be behind in my rent! This is a slash fic, but it’s tame in that sense. Mostly it’s Chris in the comfort role, and Vin being comforted. The hurt is mostly psychological. The rest of the seven are there, in a minor way. I do lay claim to the original characters, especially Aubrey Hart, and request she not be borrowed without my knowledge and input.

Note Two: This is the once promised, therapy heavy sequel to Jealousy. A few comments about this. Some of you already know this, but I have a degree in psychology, and I’ve worked in the field for most of the last fifteen years. Would things go this quickly and easily? No. Is Aubrey me? No way, she’s just who I’d like to be. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is, for far too many people, very real. Up to 20% of the world’s population experiences it at some point in their life. My nephew is one of them, and it can consume your life. However, this isn’t real life and, with that said, I hope you enjoy this story!

Chris Larabee stared out the front window of his home, watching as the old, battered Jeep sped away. Fighting the urge to go after the driver, he turned from the window and headed toward his den. That was where the liquor was, and he was itching for a drink.

A short time later, sitting on the back deck and pouring his second drink, Chris allowed himself to think back over the events that led to the argument that still seemed to be echoing through the air. It had started out as a nice, quiet evening in front of the fire, and ended with Vin Tanner trowing his beer bottle into the fireplace and storming out the door. Things had been rough for the two of them, since the beginning of what had become a very special relationship.

He felt anger flush his ruddy features at the thought of what Tanner had endured at the hands of a fellow agent several weeks ago. The man, Charles "Charlie" Warren, had curried his companionship with an agenda of making him both a partner and a victim. Instead, he had been killed in a freak accident; the result of anger, alcohol and Mother Nature. While it had led to Chris confessing his feelings for the younger man, it also led to Vin’s own, personal Hell. Nightmares jerked him awake nearly every night, leaving Tanner exhausted and on edge. He insisted that he couldn’t recall the dreams, but he began drinking every evening in an effort to sleep, quickly adding over the counter sleep aids to the mix when the nightmares continued. This led to his dragging in a zombie like state until late morning, which was a serious concern. While they hadn't needed his keen sharpshooting skills recently, it was always something that might be called upon in a heartbeat.

When he wasn't dragging, he was growling. Nothing seemed to set well with him. He found fault in anything and everybody. It came to a head when his response to JD's typical antics became explosive just two days ago. Dunne had been acting like the teenager he was often mistaken for. He was dancing around the room and, as he passed Tanner’s desk, he had slapped the seated man on the shoulder. Vin's response was to plough a fist into the other man's face. Buck and Josiah had quickly gotten involved, breaking up what looked like the beginning of a full fledged attack. While Buck pulled JD out of the suite and headed for the bathroom, Josiah pushed Vin toward the conference room. Larabee diverted them into his office and pointed toward the couch. While Vin, stiff legged in anger, dropped to the seat, Josiah eyed Chris. When the blond simply nodded, the profiler nodded in return and left the room.

Coming to sit next to the coiled serpent, he stared into icy blue eyes. "Care to enlighten me as to why you decided to pound on JD?"

"Why d'ya think? He pissed me off. Jackass had no right to--"

"One, I'm right here, you don't need to shout. Two, why was this different from about a thousand similar incidents? So I ask again... Enlighten me."

Silence filled the room to the point that both men could feel the weight of it. It continued for nearly ten minutes until, finally, Vin spoke up, his voice soft, barely more than a whisper. "Damn it, I don't know. I jist all of a sudden couldn't take his mouth any more. Couldn't deal with his laughin' any more. Then he... he touch... touched me. I just... I... damn it!”

"There's something more to it than this." It wasn't a question, wasn't an accusation. It was simply an observation. But that wasn't how Vin heard it.

"Ya callin' me a liar?! Ain't no fuckin' liar, and don't have ta sit and listen to this shit!" He sprang to his feet and stormed from the room. By the time Chris could react, bedlam had erupted in the outer office. Hurrying after the other man, he was brought up short by what he walked into.

Josiah was just regaining his feet with Nathan's help. The older man had one hand cupped around his jaw, eyes wide with shock.

"Josiah?" Larabee asked the question in a single word.

"He clocked me good." His voice was pitched high with disbelief.

"Vin?" It was a pointless question, and received only a vague nod in response.

"Ezra, with me. We may need your silver tongue to keep him from landing in jail." With that, trusting Jackson and Wilmington to look after Sanchez and Dunne, Chris left the suite, Ezra following close behind. As they neared the end of the hall, Chris stopped. "Up or down?"

Ezra could tell that the question wasn't directed toward him, so he simply stood by, waiting.

"You head down to the lobby... see if he went that way. I'll head for the roof." Chris hurried to the stairway, needing to move and not in the mood to wait for the elevator.

Hitting the button to call up the elevator car for himself, Ezra took a deep breath. He knew that the chances were best that Tanner had gone to the roof. It was the other man's version of going to ground. The arrival of the elevator broke his train of thought, he entered the car praying that all of this ended well and that Chris was able to get through to their colleague.

~o~

The door to the roof was propped open when he got there, so Chris knew he had chosen the right direction. Slipping out of the stairwell quietly, keen eyes searched for his friend. Then his heart dropped into his gut when he saw the object of the hunt.

Vin was standing on the ledge nearby, staring out across the city. Larabee tried to read the younger man’s body language, terrified that his inital reaction might be dead on, and that Tanner was contemplating a jump. Doing his best to steady his breathing, Chris moved stealthily across the roof, praying that he wouldn’t spook the other man. He knew it was futile, though.

"Ain’t gotta sneak, Chris. I ain’t gonna jump... be on the ground already if I was. Figured you’d come after me.”

"Vin... look, can you come down off there? For my sake? You guys are always making comments about my blood pressure... believe me, it’s spiking right now.”

Without turning, Tanner simply stepped back, landing on the roof with a small bounce. As the long haired man turned, Chris saw just how distraught he was. Dark circles bruised the flesh around his eyes, which were dull and lifeless. His facial hair had reached beard density, and his clothes were rumpled. Vin Tanner was holding on by a thread, and the thread was raveling. He wanted to move closer, to take the man who’d become his love interest into his arms. Instead, he stood where he was. "Talk to me.”

"Bout what? How that mother fucker twisted me so hard I ain’t been able to think straight since that night? Or the shit that all this has drug up out of my nightmares? How about the fact that...” he stopped, his voice choked with emotion. Chris watched him struggle to take a breath, his entire body trembling as he did. Then, in little more than a whisper, "how about the fact that somethin’ I’ve wanted for so fuckin’ long... I can’t get my head cl-clear enough t’ enjoy. I feel like... like I’m bein’ punished, Chris... and I can’t take much more...”

Watching as Vin dropped to his knees, Chris set his doubts aside, hurried across the roof, and dropped down beside the other man. Gently, he gathered Tanner in his arms. The stricken man resisted for a scant few seconds, but then allowed himself to be folded into that embrace. They simply sat like that for several minutes, only moving when they heard someone approach.

"Things were too quiet downstairs,” Ezra said as way of announcing himself. "I assumed that Vin had escaped up here.”

Nodding, Larabee said, "I’m going to take him out to the ranch.”

"Chris --”

Leaning back to look at the man he still held, the blond said firmly, "I’m taking you out to the ranch.”

~o~

The drive was painfully quiet. Vin sat staring out the window, refusing to respond to his attempts at conversation with little more than grunts. Finally he had given up and turned on the radio, letting the commentary for a local ball game fill the air.

When they arrived at the ranch, Vin had stalked off toward the barn. Chris had started to follow, but a single, angry look, stopped him. Instead, he entered the house, pulling his cell from his pocket.

"Hey, Boss,” Josiah’s voice responded to his call. "Things... okay?”

"No.” The blond proceeded to describe what had been going on lately, detailing Vin’s nightmares, drinking and anything else that Sanchez hadn’t been aware of before now. When he finished, he said, "Any idea what’s going on?”

"Short answer, sounds like PTSD.”

"PTSD?”

"Posttraumatic St-”

"Stress Disorder, yeah, okay. So, what do we do?”

Larabee swore he could hear the profiler sigh. "We can’t do much, Chris. I mean, we can support him, be there for him. But Vin’s going to have to address it.”

"With...? A shrink?”

"A psychologist, therapist, counselor... yeah. Maybe talk to his doctor and see if he’ll prescribe meds to help with some of the symptoms.”

"We couldn’t just go with the meds?” Larabee knew the answer, but the thought of broaching the topic of therapy with the uncharacteristically volatile Tanner had him concerned. Hell, it had him scared.

"They’re not magic, Chris.” Sanchez’s tone was scolding. "All medication will do is help with his sleeping, possibly the depression and the anxiety. It’s going to take therapy to help him deal with whatever problems this is bringing to light.”

"I know you’re right. It’s just...”

"Not exactly a conversation you want to have?” Josiah guessed.

"Yeah...” he responded. "I don’t know what has me so nervous.”

"Maybe because you’re used to being in control, and you can’t control anything about this? This isn’t an assignment, Boss, this is just life.”

With a long, deep sigh, Chris ran his hand through his spiky blond hair. "Yeah, I guess. Thanks, Josiah.” Disconnecting the call, he dropped to the couch and grabbed the remote. He spent the next few hours idly flipping channels, not even really aware of what it was he was watching. It was only when he heard the familiar sound of footsteps coming across the deck that he took a relieved breath.

"Waitin’ up for me?” Vin asked as he entered the room.

"Yeah, did you expect anything else?”

Settling on the other end of the couch, Tanner sighed, "Not really sure what I was expectin’... or what I’m expectin’ in general. Chris, I’m... shit. I’m sorry.”

Reaching across the couch, Larabee laid his hand over the other man’s. "Don’t, okay? I know that... things... have been rough for you lately. Let’s just call it a night and get some sleep.”

"Yeah, okay.”

Chris heard the tone of relief in Vin’s voice and knew that the other man was no more interested in broaching the subject of his earlier outburst than he was. Taking Tanner’s hand, he turned off the TV and led the way through the house. Entering the bedroom, they took turns in the bathroom and then crawled into bed together. He wasn’t really surprised when the other man curled up on the other side of the bed, and simply turned off the light and settled in to sleep.

~o~

The weekend was spent with the two men doing their best to act as if everything was normal. They worked on some of the DIY projects around the ranch, took a ride into the high meadow and spent the evenings in front of the fireplace. But, by Sunday evening Chris was feeling the stress of his self imposed deadline to talk to Vin. Both Friday and Saturday night had been punctuated by broken sleep for both men. Chris found himself fending off the other man who was responding to whatever horrors his mind had served up. But, in the bright light of day, the subject was avoided and ignored.

But, tomorrow would start a new work week, and Chris knew that the chances weren’t good that the team could survive another week of Tanner’s unpredictable behavior. So, finally, he broached the subject that had been on his mind since his discussion with Josiah.

"Hey, I want to talk to you about something.” He looked sideways at the other man. Vin was immediately on alert, his body tensing.

"What about?”

"I think you know. Look, I know that things have been rough for you since... well, since Charlie...”

"Chris, I know I’ve been... well, let’s face it, I’ve been a bastard at times. I called JD and Josiah both yesterday and apologized. And I know it’s not easy... well, sleepin’ with me. I can sleep in the spare --”

"Vin, it’s more than that. Look, I was talking to Josiah on Friday, and he thinks that you might have PTSD --”

"You were talkin’ t’ Josiah about me?” Tanner’s voice was tight with anger. "What the fuck, Larabee?!”

"I was worried. We’re all worried, Vin. Damn it, we just want to--”

Vin leapt to his feet. "You got no right, Chris, you got no right!” The beer bottle he was holding flew across the room, shattering against the brickwork of the fireplace. As the liquid flared and sizzled in the flames, he stormed from the room.

It had taken Larabee a few seconds to respond to the violent outburst, but then the blond quickly rose and sprinted after the angry man. As he reached the front of the house, he heard Tanner’s jeep cough to life. Cursing, he could only stand there, watching the man he had only recently declared his love for, tearing away from him.

~o~

Monday morning dawned to gray clouds and rain, matching Chris Larabee’s mood. He slapped the alarm, cursing it for the evil taskmaster it was, and climbed out of bed. The bedding was twisted, half off the mattress after a night spent tossing and turning. Vin had never come home, and refused to answer his cell. Neither did he answer the land-line at his apartment. All that he could hope was that the other man was holed up and safe.

Swallowing a cup of coffee and some toast, eaten only in a bid to stop the acids from eating through his stomach, he showered and dressed for the office. The drive was long and miserable, the rain beating mercilessly against the windshield. Arriving early at the government building, he parked and headed for the office. Entering their suite, he started a pot of coffee and skimmed through the mail that was waiting for them. When he heard the suite door open, he expected to see either Josiah or Nathan, the usual early birds.

"Hey,” the soft call accompanied a rap on the door he’d left ajar. Chris looked up to see Vin standing there. He was clean shaven and dressed for the office, telling the blond that he had spent the night at his apartment in Purgatorio. He still looked exhausted, however; his complexion ashen.

"Hey. Didn’t know if you’d be in this morning.”

With a shrug, Tanner said, "Wasn’t sure myself. But I finally realized that, there’s one thing I ain’t good at, and that’s hidin’. I cain’t hide from this, Chris. You’re right, there’s somethin’ wrong. Whether it’s PTSD or whatever, it ain’t goin’ away.” The last was delivered in a near whisper, and Larabee was certain that the Texan grew even paler.

"Get in here and sit down, okay?” He pushed away from the desk and crossed the room, leading Vin into the room and over to the couch. They settled in together, Chris holding onto one, trembling hand. "Let’s figure out what we need to do.”

"Ain’t no figgerin’, Larabee,” Vin replied with a sigh. "I need ta go see a shrink.”

With a small smile, he replied, "a therapist.”

"Yeah,” Tanner dropped his head onto the back of the couch, "whatever.”

"Morning.”

Both men turned to find Josiah Sanchez standing in the doorway. As Chris motioned him into the office, he said, "Just the man who can help us out.”

~o~

Thanks to Sanchez’s connections and knowledge of the profession, they were able to find a therapist outside the ATF who could see Tanner later that day. This was something that Vin would prefer to discuss outside the organization, hoping that he could keep it all out of his official record. While he still insisted that he couldn’t remember the nightmares, the other man knew that it was a lie.

The morning went by without incident, neither Josiah nor JD seeming to harbor any ill will against their teammate. The week’s schedule and duties were lined out; it was blessedly light for which the entire group was thankful. They were playing wounded as a team, and would be until Vin was able to conquer whatever demons he was facing. Working until time to leave, Chris exited his office and called to the sharpshooter. Together, they left for the nearby mental health clinic where, all seven men hoped, he would begin to find his way back to peace.

~o~

"Vincent?”

Vin Tanner looked up at the call, seeing a woman standing near the entry to the waiting area. She smiled as he responded, "yeah?"

"Won’t you come in, please?"

He stood and approached the woman, wondering if she could hear his heart pounding from where she was. She ushered him into the warren of inner offices; he followed her silently. They quickly entered what he assumed was her office.

"Have a seat," she offered softly. "I'm Aubrey Hart, I'll be your therapist. First of all, I apologize for sitting at the desk today, but most of what we're gonna do is get a lot of information. After this, we won’t be so formal.

"Now, what would you like me to call you?"

He blinked, not sure what he had been expecting, but deciding this wasn't it. He'd seen shrinks before, but they were military or government employees. They had been polite and all, but none of them ever made him feel as relaxed as he felt in this room, with this woman. "Uh, Vin's fine, ma'am."

"Well, Vin, please call me Aubrey. Ma'am makes me feel older than I already am.

"Okay, first of all, my spiel. This is a judgment free zone. I hope that soon you'll feel comfortable enough to share anything you want to with me. I've been doing this for awhile, and I doubt that you're going to tell me anything that will shock me, and I've probably heard it at least once before. Often what we feel is unique to our life is actually pretty commonplace, it just doesn’t get talked about. I’ve worked with perpetrators as well as victims and survivors. The only thing I require is that the person I’m working with wants to make a change. That’s a lot more difficult than it sounds, but I promise to do everything in my power to help you make that change. I can’t promise anything but that. There are no guarantees with mental health issues. The other important thing, you've heard before, I'm sure, is patient confidentiality. I take confidentiality very seriously. Unless I feel that you're a danger to yourself or someone else, nothing you say gets shared without your consent. And, finally, if you ever feel like you’re not getting what you need with me, you tell me. I will help you find a therapist that can. Any questions, concerns, cusses or discusses?" She finished with a smile.

He smiled at her last comment. "No, ma-- Aubrey."

"Okay. Shall we get started?"

She asked him all the standard questions, skipping most of the family history questions after he explained the loss of his birth family.

Things went pretty easily and he found himself growing calmer and more relaxed sitting there. The room was softly lit, comfortable and pleasant, with no bright overheads. Instead there were several lamps scattered around the room, their soft glow making the atmosphere relaxed. He noted several, healthy plants near the windows that made up the far wall and there were soft prints hanging along two others. Even the chair he sat in was far more comfortable than he had expected. Vin decided that he might get through this, after all.

But then she asked about abuse.

"Has there been any abuse in your past... anything in the present? Physical... Emotional... Sexual...?" She quickly read the emotions that flooded him. "Vin, we don't need to go into it until you're ready. But I want you to remember that it's safe to talk about anything in here, okay?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. It's... well, it's a big part of why I'm here." He hated how weak and scared sounding the words came out. He stared at his hands, disgusted when he realized they were trembling. After what seemed like an eternity, he looked up, surprised when he saw nothing but compassion in the woman's face.

"Wanna talk about it now, or save it until you feel a little more comfortable here?"

"Hell... sorry... I already feel almost as comfortable here as I’ve just about ever felt anywhere... ever. But, yeah, how about we leave it for another day?"

"Fair enough," Aubrey agreed. She made a note on the paper she held, and went on to the next series of questions.

By the time they finished, their hour was up. Making another appointment for the following week, he thanked his new therapist and left the office. Chris was waiting outside, in the truck, smoking one of his cheroots and listening to NPR. Tanner slid into the seat next to the other man, and relaxed against the leather with an audible sigh.

"That bad?" Larabee's voice held more than a hint of concern.

"Nah, just tired. She's actually a pretty nice lady, and seems real smart. Just went through a lot of questions with 'er." Vin slanted a look at the other man and continued. "Gonna talk more about it next week."

Chris waited to see if Vin was going to say more, but the Texan remained silent. "So, where do you wanna go eat?"

The younger man frowned as he stared out the windshield for a minute before he replied, "how about Murphy's?"

Chris smiled, he had expected as much. The little restaurant was very homey, and their menu filled with comfort foods. With a nod, he started the truck and shifted into drive. As they started from the small parking lot, Vin quickly squeezed his hand. He returned the action, holding his partner's hand as the big truck slid easily through the streets of downtown Denver.

Arriving at the restaurant a short time later, Larabee reclaimed his hand while he parked the Ram. They both climbed out, Chris refraining from hovering over the other man. While Vin was healing - both physically and mentally - from the far to recent attack he had suffered, he was still far from healed and healthy.

They were soon seated at one of the tables, situated a little away from the others. While they looked over the menu, Chris said, "I got hold of the doctor while you were in your appointment.”

Vin looked up, expectantly. They had discussed just that on the drive earlier, deciding that looking into some assistance from medication could only help. He had shared that much with Aubrey, and was just waiting to see what was going to happen.

"The doctor’s got an opening at four. We can get in there and see if there’s something that will help. You still okay with that?”

Shaking his head, Tanner replied in a sarcastic tone. "No, hell, Chris, I’m enjoyin’ gittin’ no sleep and punchin’ my closest friends in the face.”

"Smart ass.”

Managing a grin, the other man said, "Thought ya loved that about me.”

Their exchange was put on hold as the waitress came to take their order. As Chris had expected, Vin went heavy on the comfort foods; meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans and biscuits, with sweet tea. He, himself, went for a streak sandwich, fries and a salad, with ice tea.

"You do realize that they’re going to get your weight when you get to the doctor’s office, don’t you?” Larabee said after the waitress left. "They’re probably going to question the ten pounds that meal’s going to put on you.”

"Bite me, Lar’bee,” Vin drawled.

~o~

Despite the big lunch, that Vin had finished with a slice of blackberry cobbler, the doctor’s scales showed that he had lost seventeen pounds since his last visit. That had been the follow up a week after the attack that had led to all of this. His blood pressure was also up and he confessed to having headaches nearly every day. He was also passing blood, which the doctor felt was a result of the intense acid re-flux that accompanied the increased drinking that he also admitted to.

By the time the two men left the office, Tanner had been poked and prodded, blood drawn and urine taken. He was given a shot of vitamin B, as well as one to reduce his blood pressure and another to ease the pain in his head and his stomach. He walked out with a handful of prescriptions and a print out of instructions that he was to follow. If he had been alone, he’d have been tempted to ditch both, but he dutifully handed them all over to Larabee before they left the waiting room.

They stopped at the pharmacy on the way out of town, filling the prescriptions. Chris added a pill minder and some multivitamins that should help them in getting Tanner well. Physically at least. He could only hope that the therapist Vin seemed already comfortable with could help with the rest of it.

The object of his thoughts seemed more relaxed and peaceful than he had for far too long. He understood that part of it was thanks to the medication the doctor had already given him. But it seemed as if just the promise of help; the hope that things were going to turn around, had served to lift the dark cloud his partner had been living under.

Reaching the ranch, Chris pulled up to the garage and turned off the truck. Turning, he found Vin slouched down in the seat, help upright primarily by his seat belt. "Rise and shine,” he said softly.

Tanner jerked awake, a look of panic widening his blue eyes. He looked for a few seconds like a wild thing, caught in the open. Then, a deep breath, and he relaxed.

"It’s okay,” Larabee reassured, reaching out and stroking a hand down the man’s arm.

Managing a thin smile, the other man said, "I know.”

Entering the house a moment later, Chris headed for the kitchen, ready to get dinner started. Vin stopped in the den, dropping to the couch with a tired groan. "I’ll wake you when dinner’s ready,” the blond promised over his shoulder.

"Kay.”

Forty-five minutes later, Larabee re-entered the room, finding the other man still sitting on the couch, sound asleep. He hadn’t even managed to remove his coat. Shaking his head, the blond called out softly, "Grubs on.”

Vin jerked awake once more, making Chris wince at yet another haunted look. Turning toward him, the sleepy man asked, "What?”

"Dinner.”

Without another word, Tanner pushed up off the couch and started to follow Chris through the house. He was still wearing his coat when they entered the kitchen, only noticing it when Larabee tugged on a sleeve. Pulling it off, he dropped it on the counter and slumped onto one of the kitchen chairs. They ate in silence which, normally would have been fine. Now, however, it seemed to hang over them like a weight.

After dinner, Chris set up the pill minder, which was divided into two doses each day. He was glad nothing needed taken more than that, he wasn’t looking forward to getting the other man to comply with twice a day. Handing Vin a glass of water, he followed that with the evening dose of meds and stood there watching, until they were all swallowed.

"Gonna watch me every time?”

"Until I’m satisfied that you’re going to stay on track with them, yeah.”

The younger man sighed, "Whatever.” He didn’t sound angry, just very, very tired.

"Vin, listen --”

With a shake of his head, Tanner said, "Goin’ t’ bed, them pills got me worn out.” He shuffled from the room and, a minute later, Chris heard him enter the guest room, and then the faint sound of the shower being turned on.

~o~

They had debated Vin taking off a few days but, in the end, he opted to go back to work. There was no reason to sit and ruminate about what had happened and what was going on now, when he could keep himself busy. The single promise he made was, if Chris told him he was endangering the team in any way, he would be gone until this was resolved.

They entered the Team Suite late, Vin having found it difficult to get up and moving. Chris, having read up on the medications, wasn’t surprised, but Vin was irritated with himself. He had become argumentative about taking the medication but, when the alternative was staying home, he had relented.

It did not get easier.

While he wasn’t explosive, neither was Vin easy to get along with. He found it difficult to function until after lunch but, after a third call to the doctor, seemed convinced that, as his body acclimated to the medications effects, he would find it easier to overcome the lethargy. And, while the others did everything they could to accommodate the situation, nobody was unhappy when Friday afternoon arrived. By mutual consent, they would not come together as a group until the following Monday.

What surprised Chris, though, was when Vin informed him that he intended to stay at his apartment in Purgatorio.

"I don’t think that’s wise.”

"Cause you figure what? I’ll flush my meds, drink my meals and maybe open a vein before Monday mornin’?”

"Jesus! Don’t joke about that! I’m just not sure you’re... strong enough... to get through the weekend without... well, without help.”

"Without you, ya mean.” There was no question, and Chris couldn’t dispute it.

"I’m sorry, but yeah, without me.” He moved closer, only to have the other man move away. He reached out, but didn’t touch Tanner.

"Look, I ain’t so far gone that I need a keeper. I want a couple days to just... adjust. I need to get my head around all the shit that’s comin’ to my mind. I... damn it, I can’t explain what’s goin’ on any better than that. I promise that I’ll call if I need you, and you can call me to remind me to take my meds. Hell, I’ll take a video of me swallowin’ that damn stuff and send it to ya. Chris... look, I love ya more than I ever thought I could love another person. I love bein’ with ya, and I always will. But... right now... I need a little space.”

This time Larabee did touch the other man’s face. Stroking his thumb along the stubbled cheek, he said softly, "I get that, Vin, I do. I just... damn it, I only realized what I feel about you, I can’t lose that.”

"Y’ ain’t gettin’ rid of me that easy, Cowboy.”

With a nod, the blond said, "Okay, let’s go get your stuff packed. You can tell that damn mule of yours you’re not gonna be around for a couple days, though.”

~o~

By the end of the weekend, the ranch was as spotless as it had ever been. Chris had nearly completed his DIY list for the next month, the windows sparkled inside and out, and the gutters were even clear.

The only time he felt complete, however, was when he was on the phone with Vin. As they had agreed, he called morning and evening to remind the other man to take his medications. On his part, Tanner sounded if not cheerful, at least more lively than he had for a while. They talked briefly about nothing in particular, Vin ending the call each time. Chris could only hope that his lover was doing as well as he seemed to be.

~o~

Miles away, Vin Tanner stood at the window of his apartment, staring out into the darkness. He knew he’d be losing the battle to sleep soon, the meds were great for that. But, for now, he craved the solitude. There was music playing softly on the stereo, something by Mozart that he couldn’t name at the moment. He wondered at times what the others would think about his love of classical music, but figured they’d treat it like anything else. It was simply part of who he was.

Who he was. Who was he?

A year ago, he’d feel confident in answering that. Now? He felt more and more that the "He” he thought of himself as, was nothing but a fiction. Somebody he had created to hide the real Vin Tanner. To hide the broken, shattered creature he had become over the years.

He had been born into poverty, his mother dying when he was five. He barely had any true memories of her. Just vague glimpses of a pretty young woman, barely out of her teens. He knew... or thought he knew, that they had lived hand to mouth, alone. There was no father, no family. Just his mother.

After she had died, he had been shifted from one house to another. He couldn’t think of any of them as home. A home meant comfort and security, and he had never felt that in any of the places he had lived. Not all of them were horrible places. Sometimes the family he was placed with was decent, treating him well even. There were only a couple that he remembered as abusive but, even when he was invited into the family as an equal, it wasn’t enough. Because, he learned very quickly that it wasn’t going to be permanent.

Some of his first, true memories were of running away. Being dragged back kicking and screaming. Sometimes by a foster parent, sometimes by a social worker, sometimes by the police. Often he would be returned to the house he had run from, but occasionally he was immediately placed in a different place.

By the time he was ten, running away was a reflex. He ran from comfort as often as he ran from pain. Comfort became something to be feared. Because, he discovered, that it was better to avoid comfort than it was to mourn its loss.

Leaning his forehead against the cool glass, he let his eyes unfocus, seeing only blurs of light and darkness beyond his apartment. He knew there was more to it than that. There was so much he had tucked away, hiding it from himself as well as anyone he allowed close. But now, thanks to Charlie Warren, it was leaking out from behind the wall. And he needed to face it. He needed to understand it.

He needed to learn how to live with it.

~o~

Monday morning found the seven members of ATF Team Seven meeting in the conference room at nine. They settled into their usual chairs, notepads and pens in front of them, along side mugs of coffee, bottles of water or juice, just as they usually had. Everything seemed, at least outwardly, a very normal, typical day.

But none of them believed that.

"Okay, we’ve got the go ahead on the Mendoza case,” Chris announced as his way of opening the meeting. "Team Four confirmed that there’s a lot of underground chatter going on, and it seems pretty clear that the gang is getting ready to move a large number of guns.”

"Any verification that they’re from the stolen Army shipment?” JD asked.

"Not as yet,” Ezra added his voice to the conversation, "But all the evidence points to it being the same.”

"So, what’s the game plan?” This from Buck.

"Right now we’re on standby,” Larabee informed his team. "Ezra, JD, I want you to see what you can find out. As soon as we have a date, time and location, we’ll be a go. I think our best bet would be a full on assault; hit them fast and hard. Bryan has thrown in with us, so Team Four will assist. That’s where we stand right now.”

"I’ll be in the field for the next two days, then,” Standish stated. "I’ll see what I can find out, and how fast I can find it out.”

With a nod of confirmation, the Team leader said, "Wilkinson is going after his snitches as well.”

As Ezra acknowledged that bit of information, JD said, "I’ll get with Dennis and make sure all our taps are in place and working.”

"Keep me apprised of what’s going on. I want to nail this bastard, and the sooner the better.”

"So, the rest of us will be on twiddling our thumbs detail?” Wilmington joked.

Leveling an impatient stare at his old friend, Chris said, "According to my monthly audit, you’re short about four notes. You might wanna see to that.”

The others couldn’t help but chuckle at Buck’s crestfallen expression. He was on top of his documentation... except when there was a new woman in his life. With a deep sigh, the big man said, "You got it, boss.”

~o~

"Good to see you, Vin.” Aubrey Hart greeted Tanner at the waiting area door. They made small talk as they walked to her office, weather related and superficial.

Entering the cozy little room, Vin settled onto one of the comfortable chairs. He was surprised when the therapist settled into another close by, then remembered her comment the week before.

"So, how have things been this week?”

He shrugged, sighed, and tried to decide where to begin. Finally, he admitted, "been kind’a tough.”

Aubrey nodded. After a minute, she encouraged, "tough in what way?”

He found that those four words were enough to open the gates, and he spent the next twenty minutes recounting the events since their last meeting. He told her about the medication and how it had helped. It was the only time she left the chair and returned to her desk, writing down the medications as he listed them. Then she was back in the other chair, leaning forward and giving him her undivided attention. He ended with staying, alone, in his apartment.

"Chris wasn’t too happy about me stayin’ by myself. But, I really needed the time to... to get my head together.”

The therapist nodded, "I get that. Let me stop you there for a second, Vin. I’d just like to clarify something. The way you talk about Chris... I mean, you told me he’s your supervisor and your friend but... well, I get the feeling that there’s more to it than that.”

Tanner flushed, looking down at the floor for a minute, as he tried to decide how much to tell her. But, she had said that she didn’t pass judgment. "Yeah, there is. The one good thing that come out of all this is that me and Chris... well, he figured out what I’ve known pretty much since day one. We’re meant to be together... not just friends, but...”

"Lovers... partners?”

There it was. He knew that this would seal whether or not he truly could tell this woman anything. "Yeah... well, not sure what to call it, but it’s more ’n buddies.”

Aubrey nodded. "Thought so, but wanted to make certain. Go on.” It was as simple as that. She just needed verification, not to pass judgment, not to comment on the wrongness of it. She just wanted to know the full extent of Larabee’s presence in his life.

Relaxing, the man continued, smiling as he told her more about the blond and how much they had come to mean to one another. After a few minutes, he returned to his recollection of the weekend. "I missed ‘im, but I needed to think about all the things that were comin’ to mind since... since that day.”

Giving Vin a moment to collect himself, Aubrey nudged him forward with, "What sort of things?”

With a long,shuddering sigh, he replied softly, "things I’ve hid from myself for a lotta years. Things I still don’t wanna talk about... but I know the only way I”m gonna be able to lay ‘em to rest is to talk about ‘em.”

"We’ll deal with whatever you’re ready to talk about, okay? How about this, you choose one memory to talk about today. It can be as easy or as hard as you decide and we’ll talk about it as much as you feel able to. I’m not promising comfort here, but we don’t have to take it all on right now.”

He nodded, considered for a minute, then moved forward with his narrative. He didn’t notice how deeply his Texas twang grew as he moved back in time to his troubled childhood. "I’s about ten I reckon. I’d run off from the house they’d put me in. The folks weren’t terrible; they treated me okay, not like a son... like a welcome visitor, though. But, I just... I couldn’t stay there. I figgered that, soon as I got comfortable, they’d yank me out and send me somewhere else.

"I lived out on the streets fer ‘bout two weeks ‘fore they found me. Found me an abandoned shack t’ hide out in; dumpster divin’ fer meals b’hind this decent restaurant so I actually wasn’t eatin’ bad.

"Then this one evenin’, I was jist leavin’ the alley with a sack ‘a food, when these two guys jumped me. They wasn’t lookin’ fer anythin’... jist lookin’ fer some fun. They beat on me fer what seemed like a long time, laughin’ every time I hollered, hittin’ me harder if I asked ‘em t’ stop.

"Reckon they finally got bored cause, next thing I r’member I’s layin’ out in the alley, all that food scattered amongst the dirt and blood. I only half r’member draggin’ back t’ my hidin’ place and curlin’ up on the old mattress I’d pulled in there the day b’fore.

"Next I r’member is finally gittin’ the strength t’ go lookin’ fer food again. Think it was a couple days, I was damn hungry anyway. And I was awful weak, could jist barely keep m’ feet under me. I’s just comin’ outta the alley, a few things in a bag and eatin’ an apple, when this beat cop s’prised me. He took me back to the family I’s placed with, left me there. I don’t r’member much ‘a what went on, jist that they was disappointed in me, and I ended up goin’ somewhere else a week later.”

"How did you feel when this memory first surfaced, Vin?”

He contemplated that question briefly, then said with a shrug, "Ashamed.”

"Ashamed?” She repeated.

"Yeah. I should’a been able to protect myself better.”

"How old do you think those two were?”

"Ain’t sure... think they’s probably teenagers.”

"And I’m sure bigger than you?”

"Lookin’ back, seems like they was a lot bigger.”

"You were a child, alone, and surprised by two men who wanted nothing from you. They were simply looking for someone to attack; to beat the shit out of. You did what you could to defend yourself?”

"Yeah, I mean, I couldn’t do much really. One of ‘em held me while the other beat on me. I did get in a few good licks, though. Think I busted one’s nose, and the other got a bloody lip.”

She allowed a small smile. "So they didn’t get away unscathed.”

He returned to smile, then frowned, "Yeah, but I should’a done more... should’a been able t’ defend myself.”

"So you’d had training in martial arts by that time? Perhaps you were a black belt?”

He looked at her, confused. "No, didn’t git that ‘til I’s in the military.”

"But there has to be some reason I’m not seeing, something that meant that the ten year old you could expect to hold his own against two, bigger and physically stronger males.”

"I... I guess not. Not really.”

"Not at all. Vin, you’re looking back at this and expecting the child Vin Tanner to react as the adult, well trained, Vin Tanner would. Have there been any incidents, say in the last few years, that have been similar?”

He thought about her question for a few minutes. "Well, not the homeless part, but I did get jumped by a couple guys outside my apartment building last summer.”

"And, how did that turn out?”

With a shrug, he answered, "I put ‘em in their place and called it in. Cops took ‘em away and they’re coolin’ their heels in a cell for awhile.”

Nodding, the therapist said, "I’d like you to close your eyes for a minute, Vin, and I’d like you to imagine the adult Vin Tanner confronting those two boys from your childhood. First of all, do they look as big?”

"Nah, couple little punks.” He replied.

"So, adult Vin isn’t afraid of them?”

"Ain’t nothin’ t’ be afraid of.”

"Okay, so, let them know that. Chase them out of that alley.”

In his mind’s eye, Vin could see his two attackers. Nothing more than a couple teenagers, really, no longer the formidable foes he has seen them as before. He imagined himself stomping a foot and feinting a lunge toward them. With wide eyed looks of fear, the teens turned and fled from the alley. Behind him, a young, almost frail looking version of himself, stood unscathed. As child Vin smiled, he opened his eyes and looked across at the woman. His own smile shadowed that of his younger self.

"They’re only memories, Vin.”

"I don’t have t’ let ‘em control me... I can control them.” He shook his head. "Sounds so simple.”

"Ah, if only it was. Of course if it was that simple, I’d be out of a job.” She gave him a wink and then sobered. "Unfortunately it isn’t, Vin. But, with time, we can put them in perspective so that they don’t continue to harm you.”

He nodded, letting it all sink in. Then he realized how relaxed he now felt, the tenseness that came with remembering had gone, leaving behind it a calm lethargy. He leaned back in the chair, drawing a long, deep breath.

~o~

"It is so good to have you back here,” Chris said with a contented sigh, as he wrapped his arms around the other man. It was Monday night, and Vin had returned to the ranch after his appointment. They had taken a short, evening ride before dinner, settling in afterward to watch a little TV. It wasn’t long after Tanner had taken his medication that he began yawning. He had coaxed the sleepy man off the couch, drawing him into a hug before they headed for bed.

"Good to be back out here,” Vin agreed.

Leaning back to look at his lover, Larabee said, "It’s up to you, wherever you want to sleep.”

With a shy smile, Tanner answered, "Reckon I’d kind’a like some company tonight.”

"You got it.” The blond’s smile was broad, genuine and only hinted at the relief he felt.

~o~

Wednesday afternoon, Chris called a meeting in the larger, department conference room. When the five men entered they were quickly joined by the members of Team Four. A few minutes later Ezra and JD entered with their Team Four counterparts; Mike Wilkinson and Austin Dennis. They settled in at the table as well, and the meeting was begun.

"Okay, Walter Bryon began, "the intel says that Mendoza’s bunch is readying for a move. Mike, Standish, you want to fill everyone in?”

"Yes, of course,” Ezra began, as Wilkinson nodded his agreement. "What Mike and I have been able to ascertain is that the shipment is heading North, via truck.”

"Word has it that there’s a new militia group forming up there, very radical and very anti Muslim.” Mike added. The two men continued the back and forth comments in filling in both Teams as to what, it seemed, was going on.

"At six o’clock this morning, we witnessed an exchange between Mendoza’s men and one Seth Crane. Mr. Crane and his companions brought a very large, very full suitcase filled with money to the meeting.”

"Sixteen million and change, that’s exactly what Crane informed the suppliers of.” Wilkerson explained.

"Sheridan, Mendoza’s second in command, showed them a ‘sample’. It was an M-16 and the case it was housed in stated "US ARMY”. Ezra wrapped up their part of the meeting.

"JD? Austin?” Chris nodded, before he moved the meeting along.

"Mendoza moved three of the semis from his shipping company, onto his compound last week. Surveillance shows them heavily guarded,” Dunne described.

"An hour ago the number of people surrounding the trucks tripled,” Dennis explained, "Indicating that they’re preparing to move... probably tonight.”

Checking his watch, Larabee said, "That gives us four hours to finalize the plan and get into place. I don’t need to remind you all just how important it is that we stop this sale from going through.”

"The FBI and Homeland Security are working on taking care of the Militia,” Bryan added. "Larabee and I are keeping in communication with them. Hopefully all those involved will be locked up by this time tomorrow.”

"Any questions?” When there didn’t seem to be any, Chris ended the meeting. "All right, you all know your jobs, we’ve all worked together before. Let’s get this done.”

"And may the Good Lord keep us all safe,” Josiah’s voice rumbled through the room.

~o~

Vin sat atop the hill overlooking the Mendoza compound, as still as the brush around him. He heard the predetermined coded messages that signified the others being ready; he had already given his. He wasn’t even aware that he’d been counting, but knew when the final check in came. Now, all they had to do was wait for the signal to begin.

Keen eyes made even more acute through night vision goggles, he watched the movement in and out of pools of light below. Men carrying crates from one of the gangster’s out buildings, loading them into one of the semis. The others sat, idle, their purpose clear. They would be used as decoys in an effort to divide anyone who might be preparing to follow the shipment. He could barely make out other men, standing in the shadows, standing guard around the trucks and - more importantly he was sure - the shipment.

Suddenly, three flashbangs exploded among the men and guns. It was the signal and, quickly, all hell broke loose. Vin began firing methodically, taking out as many of the gang members as he could. He aimed to maim, but knew, realistically, that he would end some of those lives this night.

Suddenly he froze, that fact slamming into him with the force of a bullet. He was going to kill someone tonight. He was going to be responsible for loss of life.

"TANNER!” Casey Moran, his counterpart on Team Four, barked through his earpiece. "Where the fuck are you?”

He shook himself from those morbid thoughts, pulling his attention back to the firefight. Just as he did, he realized that three of the gang members were creeping up on Chris’ location. With no thought to his own safety, he broke cover and began firing. One... Two... Three... men dropped to the ground and did not rise. He stood there, frozen, as he sought out his partner.

"Get your ass back under cover!” Larabee barked.

He dropped to the ground, scuttled back to his hiding place, and resumed providing covering fire for the others. It seemed to take hours but, later, when he checked his watch, it had only been a few minutes. Walter Bryon called the scene, and the men began to converge on the compound.

Vin hurried down the hill, nearly losing his balance several times as he rushed through the tangles of brush. He didn’t hear Chris’ voice, and panic ruled his actions. As he came to the ambush site, he scanned the faces of the others around him. Josiah, Nathan, Zach Turner and Micki O’Brian were checking the bodies scattered around the trucks. JD and Austin were relaying information to the office, while Walt and Mike were keeping those alive and conscious covered, Ezra moving from one to the other. He patted them down, disarmed them, and secured them with zip ties. Looking around, he quickly realized that Buck and Chris were nowhere to be seen.

"Over here, Junior,” Buck’s voice came to him through the earbud, "to your right.”

Turning, he located the big man waving from just beyond the farthest light pool. He felt a rush of fear, and hurried toward him. Skidding to a stop beside Wilmington, he saw the cause of his worst fears, sitting cross legged on the ground. Chris was stripped to his black tee, and was holding a handkerchief to his left bicep.

"Nathan!” Vin called through his mic.

"Belay that, everything’s fine,” Larabee countermanded the call.

"Chris?” Nathan’s voice held a note of concern.

"Everything’s fine,” Larabee repeated. He looked up at his lover. "It’s just a scratch.”

Nonetheless, it took both men to get their friend to his feet, and he rocked precariously for several seconds once he got there. Once Chris got himself under control, he nodded toward the others and said, only slightly breathlessly, "Go help them out, Buck.”

"Okay,” Wilmington’s tone was hesitant. It was clear that he wasn’t happy about leaving his friend. He also knew an argument would solve nothing, so, hesitating only a beat, he turned and jogged toward the others.

"Chris?” Vin turned so he could look the other man in the eye.

"I swear, I’m fine. Just took a chunk of meat.” Seeing the fear still lingering in the other man’s eyes, he said firmly, "I’m fine.”

~o~

It was late Thursday morning before Chris and Vin left the hospital. Despite Tanner’s fears, Chris had suffered nothing but a graze. It was painful and he’d lost a great deal of blood, but he didn’t even require an extended stay in the hospital. As Vin helped the other man into the passenger seat of his Ram, he could see what the blond was thinking.

"No.”

"What?” The blond was groggy and had trouble navigating from the wheelchair to the truck’s seat, but Vin wasn’t fooled.

"I see it in your eyes, and the answer is no. You’re not goin’ into the office. Travis said you can email your report in but you are not to return to work until Monday.”

"Vin --”

Tanner held up his hands in mock surrender. "That’s orders direct from the big guy. He knows better than go by what you tell him, so he talked to Nathan.”

"Remind me to talk to Nathan,” Chris growled.

With a smile, Vin hurried around the cab of the truck and slipped behind the wheel. "You take it up with ‘im this weekend.”

"This weekend?”

"Well, ain’t it traditional for us all to get together the weekend after a successful bust?”

"Yeah, I guess.”

Before heading the truck away from the curb, Vin turned a curious face toward the other man. "What gives?”

With a shrug, Larabee explained. "I’d rather... well, I’d like to have time with you. Alone. But, I don’t know if...”

When the blond trailed off, Tanner put together what he read in the handsome face. He reached out and clasped the man’s hand as he said softly, "Hey.”

"What?”

"This is only Thursday afternoon, we’ve got ‘til Sunday afternoon, and the only thing on the agenda is makin’ sure you get that report done. Reckon we’ll have plenty of time together.”

Relief flowed from the older man at those words. With a squeeze of the hand clasping his, he smiled. "Guess the report can wait ‘til tomorrow.”

~o~

Chris woke with a jerk when he realized that he was alone in the big bed. He looked around, seeing no sign of Vin. Pushing himself to his feet with a groan, he carefully moved his arm then gained his feet. Padding through the house, he found no sign of the other man. He was just beginning to feel the first stabs of growing anger, when he saw a note waiting for him on the kitchen table. He picked it up and read it quickly:

Chris, Went in to the office. Should be back by 12-1, so I’ll

bring home lunch. Take your pills, or there’ll be hell to pay.

And, yes, I took mine. ~Vin

With a smirk, Larabee gathered up the little cup holding his medication, picked up the glass waiting there as well, and took the pills. He was many things, but a hypocrite was not one of them. He had been adamant that the other man took every dose of his medication, he could do no less himself.

Even though the clock told him it was after ten, the medication required something on his stomach. Opting for a muffin and his usual cup of coffee, he wandered back into the living room and turned on the television. He settled in to watch one of the morning shows that promoted themselves as news, but were nothing more entertainment and ratings grabbers. He wasn’t in the mood for anything heavier, but when he heard the name Kardashian, he grabbed up the remote and turned to the History Channel.

~o~

"Hey, Junior, how’s Chris?” Buck greeted Vin as he entered the office suite.

"Left ‘im sleepin’, he’s doing good, though. Doc says he should be good to come back t’ work on Monday.”

"That is music to my ears,” Josiah nearly sighed. The other five men chuckled.

"Ah, Josiah, you know you love it,” JD teased.

"I would rather have a root canal without anesthetic than do this job,” Sanchez disagreed. Changing the subject, he said, "You here to do your report? You could have sent it in with Chris’.”

"Reckon I could talk with you...” Vin looked around at the others then back to the acting supervisor. "alone?”

"Chris is okay, right?” Wilmington asked, a look of concern on his face.

"Yep. You’ll see ‘im Sunday. This is somethin’ different.” As Josiah canted his head toward the supervisor’s office, Vin led the way.

As they entered what would always be Chris’ office in all their minds, Tanner dropped to the chair across from the desk. Josiah moved around it and took his seat. "What’s wrong?”

Tanner sighed, clasping his hands as he gathered his thoughts. "I... I froze out there, ‘Siah.”

"What do you mean?” The team profiler leaned forward, blue eyes piercing the other man.

"Just that. I froze. I was doin’ fine then... I don’t know. All of a sudden... it was like all I could think about was the fact that I was gonna kill somebody. I was gonna be responsible for the death of one or more of those men down there. And... I couldn’t pull the trigger.”

"Have you got an appointment coming up with the therapist?”

"Yeah, got ‘em set up every week, dependin’ on when our schedules meet. I’ll see ‘er next Wednesday.”

"Okay. So, tell me how you’re feeling about this.”

"Ashamed. Damned ashamed. I’m s’posed t’ protect you guys. Instead, I damn near got Chris killed.” His voice trembled as he finished with "I couldn’t live with that.”

"But, he’s okay, or soon will be.”

"Don’t change the fact that I froze, ‘Siah.”

After several moments of silence, the older man said, "Then you’re off sniper duty until the therapist feels that you’ve worked through this. You’re right, Vin, we depend on you to watch our backs, and right now, that’s more than you can handle.”

"You’re... you’re firin’ me?”

Josiah looked shocked. "No, of course not! Even if I had the authority to do that, I wouldn’t. I’m only taking you off sniper duty until you’re cleared psychologically.”

Tanner turned the words over in his mind, finding them distasteful, but recognizing that it was for the best. "You’re right... I know that, it’s just...”

"If you’re feeling like this is some sort of punishment, you’re wrong. I’m doing this because I respect just how good you are. I don’t want you to lose that edge... don’t want the team to lose the incredible talent that you bring to it. Right now, that’s at risk. If we we’re talking about the tach van, and it needed a tune up, or a new part, would you consider the van a failure?”

"No, but it’s a vehicle, not a person.”

"That’s not the point. Just because something... or someone... needs help getting back on top, it isn’t failure. It’s simply a natural response to wear and tear.”

Vin grinned. "Reckon I am pretty wore and tore right now.”

Shaking his head, the older man said, "part of life, brother. Now, are you sure you’re gonna be okay until you talk to your therapist?”

Tanner considered the question for a moment. Then, nodding, he said, "reckon so.”

"Okay, then. go home, agent Tanner. You have a job to do there.”

~o~

Larabee was dozing while a retelling of one of the lesser known battles of World War II was playing, when he heard the back door open and close. Rousing, he looked up to see Vin enter the den.

"Hey, Cowboy, looks like you’re gettin’ used to this relaxing stuff.”

With a guilty grin, Chris replied, "Guess so.”

"You ready for lunch?” Tanner eyed the muffin paper and half empty coffee cup on the coffee table. "Wanna wait a bit?”

"I could eat. What did you get?”

"Stopped by the Saloon and picked up a couple specials. You sit and I’ll get ‘em served up.”

Deciding that he was enjoying the attention of the other man, the blond smiled and settled back on the couch. A few minutes later Vin was handing him a plate filled with beans and rice as well as a very large burrito. Along with the plate came a tall glass of iced tea. As soon as he had delivered these, Tanner was gone again, returning a minute later with his own, nearly identical plate. The only difference was a pile of Jalapenos next to the rice.

"Do you even have a stomach any more?”

"Yep. Reckon it’s cast iron,” Vin replied with a smile, as he popped one of the peppers into his mouth.

Shaking his head, Chris changed the subject. "How’re things at the office?”

"Fine. Everybody got their reports done and turned ‘em in to Josiah. I checked with Travis personally and he said if you didn’t get yours in ‘til Monday it wouldn’t be a problem. Everyone said to tell you to feel better, and Travis said to remind you that you’ve got plenty of PTO if you want to take more time off.”

"I’ll be stir crazy by Sunday.”

"That’s what I told ‘im,” Tanner grinned. "The boys are all plannin’ to come out around noon Sunday but said to call if you ain’t in the mood for company.”

Chris simply nodded, deciding to just play it by ear. It would depend on how both of them were Sunday morning. Then he noticed the expression the other man was wearing when he didn’t think anyone was looking. "Hey... what’s up?”

Vin shrugged. "Don’t know what you’re talking about. Might be a bit tired, but I’m fine.”

"Pardon me if I don’t believe you. I’ve seen that look before, it usually means you’re thinking about something awful hard.”

"Part of the reason I went to the office... I needed to talk to Josiah ‘bout somethin’. I didn’t wanna bother you with it right now, and he’s in charge, so figgered it’d be better to talk to ‘im.”

"I’m not going to be angry because you followed protocol. But, you know that you can "bother” me any time with any thing. So, what’s up?”

In a quiet voice, Tanner related his experience at the bust, his talk with Sanchez, and the older man’s reaction. While he spoke, he found it impossible to look anywhere but at the floor so, he was surprised when a hand gently gripped his chin, and he found himself coaxed into looking at Larabee.

"You’re not super human, my friend. None of us expect you to play wounded; all any of us want is for you to get through this and get yourself together. Got it?”

With a small nod, the younger man whispered, "Got it.”

Chris leaned forward and delivered a long, soft kiss to those tightly pressed lips, until he felt them relax.

~o~

The weekend went quietly, both men craving the chance to simply relax and recharge. The necessary chores were finished, most of them by Vin to spare Chris the discomfort of overusing his healing arm. The nights were peaceful, thanks to the medication they were both taking, along with the comfort of being together.

By Sunday morning, both men were feeling better, and busied themselves preparing for the invasion of their friends. By the time the other five members of the team arrived, there were brauts on the grill, and beer chilling in a cooler. Josiah brought chili, Ezra a rather decadent looking dessert, and Buck and JD contributed chips and a variety of salsa and dips. Nathan, always trying to make sure they had something healthy, brought out a delicious looking salad, although none of the others would admit just how good it looked.

The day was beautiful, so they gathered on the back deck. Chris played host, but Vin was never far from his side. If the other men had any inkling of what was going on between them, they said nothing. After eating, they saddled up their horses, and headed out across the foothills behind Larabee’s property. They returned when their stomachs were hinting at more food, and before the party ended, the food was little more than a memory.

As their friends drove away into the gathering dusk, Vin settled in behind the other man and wrapped his arms comfortably around Chris’ waist. "Don’t think I could eat another bite if y’ put a gun to my head.”

Clasping his hands over those embracing him, the blond said, "It was a damn good day.”

"Was that.”

Turning to regard the man behind him, he asked, "You doing okay?”

"Other than knowin’ how a stuffed bird feels?”

"You know what I mean.”

Tanner’s eyes clouded slightly and he shrugged. "Have my moments. I mean, the meds help with keepin’ me from wantin’ to tear out someone’s throat, but I still... I don’t know. It’s like I’m waitin’ for the other shoe to drop or somethin’.”

"Anything I can do to help?”

"Just keep puttin’ up with me, I reckon.”

"Reckon I can do that.” Chris leaned into that embrace, reveling in just how content he felt.

~o~

"So, how did the week go?”

Vin regarded the speaker, his therapist, for a moment. She was older, probably closer to Travis and Josiah’s age than his, but he felt like she had an ageless heart. She was slightly overweight but not overly so, with auburn hair that was sprinkled with white. She wore glasses, which she seemed to constantly be adjusting, and was dressed in dark slacks and a blouse.

And she made him feel very safe.

"Not great,” he admitted. "Chris got hurt durin’ a bust. He’s okay, went back to work today. But I was sure as hell scared for a minute.”

With a concerned expression, Aubrey said, "so tell me what happened.”

He recounted the events of the previous week to the best of his ability, keeping the confidentiality of his own profession in mind. While he trusted her, it had been far too ingrained over the years for him to play loose with the rules now. On her part, Hart didn’t ask him for details other than those concerning he and Chris.

"That must have been pretty frightening. I’m glad that things weren’t any worse than they ended up being.”

"Me, too. I gotta admit, though... well, it was kind’a nice to take care of ‘im this weekend.” Vin blushed at the admission.

The therapist smiled. "Love’s like that.”

"Love? I... well, I mean...”

"That word scares you, doesn’t it?”

He rolled it around in his mind, drawing a startled breath when he heard the word echoed in another voice. "Ah... hell...”

"Vin?”

He wasn’t certain how long he had just sat there, the word battering against his mind like a beast trying to break down a door. "Uh... yeah, sorry.”

"Something just came to mind, didn’t it?”

"Yeah... yeah.”

"Want to talk about it?”

Hell no, he didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to look at the memory her simple question brought to mind so forcefully. He wanted to get up and walk out, never to return. Wanted to stuff the memory back where it belonged. "No, but... yeah.

"I was just sixteen, was out on my own for good by then. Had me a room above the garage I was workin’ at. Sometimes, after work, some of the others’d come up and we’d have a few drinks and watch TV.

"One of the guys... Burt Cline... got to where he came up almost every evenin’. I liked him well enough... I’d already sussed out that I was gay... and thought I was attracted to ‘im.”

"Thought?”

Vin shrugged and shook his head slowly. "Think I wanted it more than truly felt it. It was nice to think about havin’ a relationship with somebody. I mean, he was a little older, he’d traveled around, had a great bike. What more could I want?”

Gently chiding him with a look, the woman said, "How about love... respect... caring...?”

With a snort, Tanner said, "Yeah, well, that wasn’t what I got. Now, mind ya, I was just fine hangin’ around with him as a friend. I didn’t believe I was worth more ‘n that. But, then this one night...”

When the narrative stalled again, Aubrey nudged him with, "What happened?”

Vin leaned back in his chair, folding his arms tight across his chest. "It was just me ‘n Burt. We’d had a few beers, and we’s watchin’ a video. I’d popped some popcorn and had the bowl in my lap. Burt was goofin’ around and pretendin’ t’ miss the bowl and... well, grab my crotch.

"The third time he did... well, I... he could tell I was gettin’ into it. He looked at me with this grin and said, "You like that, do ya? Good.” and leaned in and kissed me. ‘Fore I knew it, we’s layin’ on the couch, pullin’ off each others clothes. Things got pretty intense and... well, let’s just say I lost my virginity that night.

"It was... well, hell, it hurt like a sonovabitch. I didn’t know how to... do...” he cleared his throat and said, "y’ don’t need the sordid details, do y’?”

"Only what you want to share.”

"I... I got pretty emotional afterwards. I tried t’ kiss ‘im, said I loved ‘im and wanted him t’ hold me... but he pushed me away and laughed. Said I was actin’ like a chick, and that’s why he didn’t like bein’ around ‘em. Said if we was gonna be together, it was gonna be like men. Sex was sex, and that’s all he wanted from me. Said...”

Aubrey handed the young man a box of tissues as a few tears fell down his paling face. When he seemed to be recovered enough, she asked, "What did he say, Vin?”

"Said... if I didn’t give ‘im what he wanted, when he wanted it, he’d make sure I caught hell. Threatened to tell the others I’d put moves on ‘im... that I’s a fag... whatever it took. I’d lose my job and my home.

"I went along with it for a while. Every time we... got together, he’d do somethin’ t’ hurt me. Rough sex... slappin’ me around... stuff like that. If I asked for anything else... let him know that I was so... so hungry for someone t’ give a damn about me... he’d make fun of me, callin’ me names and tellin’ me that no one was ever gonna want me, ‘cause I was just a worthless piece ‘a ass.”

"And you believed him?”

Nodding, Tanner said, "Yeah.”

"Do you still believe him?”

"No!" Came the virulent response.

"Do you still hear the words?”

"Sometimes.”

"Like when?”

He considered for a minute. "Mostly when I... when I think about havin’ a real relationship. ‘S why I never told Chris how I felt about ‘im. I’d be just fine only havin’ ‘im as a friend.”

"So... you’re still buying into the messages that Burt gave you? In a way, he’s kept you from searching out a relationship.”

He stared out the window for a moment, then said softly, as if only to himself, "Damn.”

"People like that... perpetrators... they know just how to manipulate their victims. That’s what you are, Vin... a victim.”

"No... I mean, a victim? That makes me sound so... so weak.”

"Not weak. You simply need to put this in perspective... see that relationship for what it was. Toxic and violent. As you’re able to do that, you’ll move from victim to survivor." She paused and then asked, "Do you know what PTSD is, Vin?”

"Yeah, I mean, soldiers get it... rape victims... figure I’ve got it.”

"PTSD is a normal response to an abnormal experience. We all have a preconceived idea as to what our life is going to be like. In your case, and please correct me if I’m wrong, you wanted love... a family... a home. The things most people want. But, what you got was pain... abandonment and rejection.”

He mulled the words over for a few minutes, then nodded his agreement. "Everything I learned, from the time my Mom died was that I wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t good enough to have those things.” He looked up at the woman, surprise mixed in with the pain.

She reached out, clasping his hand briefly, "You got about every negative message the world could throw at you, Vin. Why shouldn’t you be afraid to admit that you love Chris?”

"Ya think?”

Shrugging, Aubrey said, "I do. So, tell me something. How is Chris like Burt?”

"He’s not!” Was Vin’s knee-jerk reaction to her statement. But she simply sat there, waiting. After a moment, he took in a deep breath and said, "Older... good lookin’... kind of a bad boy... smart.”

"Okay, so how are they different?”

He didn’t have to even think about his response. "Chris gives a damn. He hides it behind bein’ a hard ass, but... well, he’s got a big heart. I can’t tell y’ how many times he’s gone t’ bat for one or the other of us. He’s put his job on the line when he saw the right of somethin’ that nobody else seemed t’ see. He ain’t no fool, though, he’s a straight shooter. If he thinks somebody needs a swift kick t’ get ‘em up to speed, he’s right there with spurs on. He’s climbed my ass more’n once... and not in a good way...” he paused, a blush creeping over his features when he realized what that last comment sounded like. "I mean, y’know, he’s chewed me out for... give me a tongue lashin’... uh... damn!”

"What?” Aubrey asked.

"Never realized how many things sound like... well, sexual.”

Hart laughed, and Vin joined her. "It’s the way the world works, my friend.”

The room grew quiet, and he tried to decide how to bring up the other issue that sprang from the recent incident. Taking a deep breath, he looked out the window as he said, "Somethin’ else happened durin’ the bust.”

"Tell me about it.”

He found himself relating his experience on that hill once again. She listened, nodding her head and encouraging him when he seemed to be on the verge of the memory overwhelming him. He told her about his talk with Josiah and, later, with Chris.

"Have your feelings about that experience changed since it happened?”

He considered the question briefly, then shrugged. "Reckon a bit. I ain’t had any nightmares... ain’t felt like I... I don’t know, like I wanted t’ run off. Don’t think I’m ready to go back to that part of the job, though.”

She nodded. "I agree, Vin. Josiah, and Chris, were right. This isn’t a failure on your part. It’s simply a response to that part of your job that, right now, you can’t handle. If you had broken a leg, you wouldn’t be expected to climb onto a roof or rappel off one. It’s not really that much different here. I agree with the decision to take you off sniper duty. I can’t imagine that’s an easy job at the best of times. We’ll work on the things that we need to and, when I feel like you’re well enough, I’ll talk to your supervisor.”

~o~

Vin was glad that he’d set the therapy appointment up for the end of the day. He was also glad that Chris hadn’t come with him to this meeting. He needed time to think about what had come to light during that hour.

He saw where he had allowed himself to be drawn in to thinking of himself in very negative ways. He had taken in so many messages that the world seemed to be content to throw at him, and allowed himself to believe that he wasn’t worthy of anyone’s love.

But that wasn’t true. He had the same rights as every other living being on the face of the Earth. He was worthy of being cared about, loved. And, more than anything in the world, he wanted that love to come from Chris Larabee.

~o~

The object of Vin’s thoughts had already arrived home. Dressed in old clothes, he was in the barn, cleaning stalls, when he heard the familiar rattle and creak of the other man’s Jeep. He expected a brief time to pass before he was joined by Tanner, but was surprised when he was grabbed from behind. Turning, he found a pair of light, blue eyes staring at him intently. "Hey.”

"Hey,” Vin replied in a raspy voice. He pulled the blond closer and delivered a long, sensual, teeth rattling kiss. Finally, pulling back, he said, "So, got plans for dinner?”

Caught off-guard, Larabee stammered, "Uh... well, I thought... um... damn, Vin!”

"Yeah, me, too,” Vin murmured as he pulled the other man down to the straw covered floor.

~o~

The days and weeks ahead weren’t without their difficulties. Vin was often hyper vigilant, something JD took a little too long to recognize. He couldn’t tolerate anyone coming up behind him unexpectedly, and twice Dunne was the recipient of the consequences. Tanner jumped and cursed, turning to face his perceived attacker, his face filled with rage. Once he delivered a blow that put JD on his ass but, after that, the younger man received nothing more violent than a tongue lashing.

Every week he met with the therapist and they continued to explore the memories that he repressed for so long. Some things he shared with Chris, a few things he shared with the Team. But most of it, he continued to keep to himself as he processed them.

~o~

"Tell me what you remember of your parents, Vin.”

"Don’t remember my Dad. He died before I was born. Mama used to tell me about him a lot, so I felt like I knew him. ‘Member feelin’ like he was just away at work or somethin’ most of the time. But even her stories are pretty faded nowadays.”

"How about your mother?”

Tanner found himself smiling. "I was just five when she died. Not sure what happened but I think it was cancer. I just remember her bein’ awful sick a lot of the time. She’d cry, ‘cause she didn’t know what was gonna happen to me if... well, when... she died.

"I remember her talkin’ about how brave my Dad was. Said he’d died tryin’ t’ save some folks. Don’t remember more’n that. Maybe she figured I wasn’t old enough to know.”

"She didn’t leave anything behind for you? A letter or anything?”

He shook his head. "Not that I know of. If she did, it got lost in all the moves I made the next eleven years.”

"That’s right. You said that you were on your own by the time you were sixteen. How did that happen?”

"I just slipped away. I was in a group home at the time, and they said I’d probably just stay there ‘til I aged out. I got t’ thinkin’ that I wasn’t real happy ‘bout that. So, one night, I was on trash detail. Before I went to take it out, I snuck my backpack outside. So, when I took the trash out, I grabbed my bag... and kept goin’.”

"Nobody came lookin’ for you?”

He shrugged. "Not that I know of. I was real good at hidin’ in plain sight by then.”

"I’m sorry, Vin.”

He looked and saw a genuine look of sadness on the woman’s face. Confused, he asked, "For what?”

"For the fact that you were let down by so many people. That you had to endure the pain of feeling unwanted, unloved... invisible.”

He was deeply touched by her words; she was the first person he’d let in so completely, and she had so quickly shown him more compassion than he could ever imagine. Clearing his throat, he managed, "Wasn’t your fault, Aubrey. I know you wouldn’t ‘a treated that scrawny, little kid like that.”

Vin thought she looked like she was going to say something, but didn’t. She offered a tight smile, wiped at her cheek, and said softly, "No one in your life should have ever intentionally harmed you. I want, more than anything, that you come to truly understand that.”

~o~

Chris sat on his back deck, watching the sun drop behind the hills. He turned to see Vin sitting beside him. The younger man seemed very relaxed; a long neck clasped loosely in one hand as he, too, watched the sunset. "Now, this is the way to end the week.”

"Reckon so.”

"Anything you want to do this weekend?” He quickly amended his question in response to the leer the other man leveled on him. "Anyplace you want to visit... anywhere you’d like to go? Besides the bed.”

"Hell, don’t always need t’ have a bed, Larabee.”

Rolling his eyes, the blond said, "you have to make everything sexual, don’t you? Damned if I don’t think you’re spendin’ too much time around Buck.”

"Reckon y’ have some surprises comin’ then. I got my very own, dirty mind.”

"Lord help me,” Chris groaned in mock concern. Then he found himself surprised by the other man, who nearly leapt onto his lap. Looking up into those impossibly blue eyes, he said, "I think I’ve created a monster.”

The light dimmed in Tanner’s eyes, and he pulled himself from the other man’s lap.

"Vin?”

"Uh... reckon I’d better... go take m’ pills... gettin’ late.” With that he hurried into the house.

After a minute of shock, Chris stood and went after the other man. He wasn’t certain what he was going to do when he found him, but he had to try and reclaim the intimacy they had been forming. He found Vin at the front of the house, standing at the front door. He looked for all the world like he was preparing to leave once again.

"Vin?”

Tanner shook his head and mumbled something. He moved a few steps closer. "What is it?”

Turning, the other man glanced up at his partner, then shifted his gaze to the floor. "I’m... I’m sorry. Reckon I ain’t got it right yet. Reckon I still see myself as worthless... wrong. Some kind’a monster.”

"What? No! Of course you’re not a monster! Vin, I made a very poor joke, and I am sorrier than I can say. I would never intentionally hurt you, either physically or verbally. I love you more than I’ve loved everyone and anyone that I’ve known since... my family... died. Can I...?” He reached out, not quite touching the other man. Slowly, like a feral animal that was frightened, Tanner moved forward until they were standing right in front of one another.

Chris gently drew the other man into his arms and held him comfortably. "I honestly only meant it as a joke, Vin, and I’m sorry for hurting you. You’re not a monster, you’re a beautiful, loving, warm, kind, generous man. I want, more than anything, for you to understand that.”

"Ain’t all that...” Vin murmured against the other man’s shoulder.

"If you can believe that, then you need to believe that you’re not a monster. How about we settle on you’re a good man... decent. Can we agree on that?”

Chris felt his heart break as the body in his arms stiffened, and the Texan could only manage a soft, "not yet."

"Vin, I am so sorry.” Chris murmured against the other man’s neck.

"For what? Ya didn’t do anything.”

"No, not intentionally, but I... Jesus, I wish I could make all the pain you suffered, everything that led to you feeling like you do about yourself, disappear.”

"Cain’t happen,” Vin drawled. "Besides, I don’t reckon I’d be me if it hadn’t been there. Hell, Larabee, it’s only in the past now. Nothin’ and nobody can ever hurt me like that again.”

"Just don’t protect yourself from the good things.”

Pulling back, Vin looked into the hazel-green eyes. "You one of the good things?”

"I sure as hell hope so,” Chris leaned back in and kissed the other man tenderly.

~o~

"When’s it gonna get better?” Vin slouched in the chair, seeming at once tired and overwhelmed.

"What?”

"All of this,” he vaguely waved a hand around. "Gettin’ past this and back to my normal life?”

"Never.”

"What?!”

With a sigh, Hart said, "Vin, it’s never going to be the same, and there’s no such thing as normal. Normal is simply what fits into your life. Normal is what helps you live the life you want. Very little, until now, has been what most of us would consider normal in your life. My friend, the last thing I want to see is you returning to the lost, angry, misunderstood man that you were when you came in here.

"What I hope for you, is that you learn to put all of those distressing, negative events, behaviors and messages in perspective. I hope that you’re able to walk out of here accepting yourself for who you are, ignoring the things you were so viciously taught, and accepting of the good things that come your way.”

He sat up a little and smiled. "Kind’a like that idea.”

"Me, too,” Aubrey Hart said with a smile. "Now, tell me what’s on your mind.”

"Hell, you read me better’n Larabee sometimes.”

"Yeah, it cost extra for the mind reading lessons.”

He stopped, looking at her quizzically. She was straight faced. Did she mean it? Could she read his...? No, that wasn’t possible... was it? Then she cracked a smile and he relaxed. "You’re about a smart ass like ‘im, too.”

With a chuckle, Aubrey said, "Sorry, bad joke. But you’d be surprised at what some people think my education involved. Anyway, bad joke aside, what’s on your mind?”

He sobered and heaved a deep sigh, before launching into a retelling of his interaction with Chris. When he finished, she asked, "How long have you thought of yourself as a monster, Vin?”

"Reckon, in one way or another, most of my life. Got lots of those messages over the years, to me that’s what "problem child”, "incorrigible”, "difficult” and all those other labels meant. Meant I wasn’t a real kid... I was a monster.”

Hart sighed and shook her head. "You’d be amazed at how many kids get those messages, Vin. In a million little ways we’re told that we’re different, there’s something wrong with us, we’re not normal. The difference being, most of us have a family... a support system... that assures us that we’re okay. They help us see the good things about ourselves and they nurture us to strive for that potential. You didn’t get those messages, at least not after your mother died, and not strongly enough. Until recently, I don’t think you’ve let many people get to know you... know what you’re capable of... who you are.”

"If I’d just reached out to some ‘a those folks who tried when I was a kid --”

"No, now, I’m not saying that. You got too many of the negative messages to trust those infrequent positive messages. Too often people took advantage of your innate kindness, Vin, and they used you for... well, whatever they wanted. Bottom line, there’s no blame to place otherwise. You, my friend, we’re dealt a shitty hand and you played the best that you could. And, honestly, I’d say you’ve won the game.”

He blushed and smiled, dipping his head in an acknowledgment of her words. "Well, not certain about the game, but think I won the hand when I met Chris.”

"I think so, too. Do you trust him? Would he ever lie to you?”

"No!” He didn’t have to consider the question. Chris would never lie to him, it just wasn’t in the man.

"Okay, then listen to him. Believe the messages he gives you, Vin. You’re a good person, worthy of loving and being loved. You’re stronger than most of us could ever even imagine, you’ve survived a whole lot of crap and you’ve come out with your head up. Believe that you’re human. Believe that you’re a good person. Just believe, Vin.”

He fought back the emotions that threatened to pour forth, and tight lipped, nodded his agreement.

"As for getting back to the rest of your life, I think you’re about ready for a try out. I’d like you to go to the shooting range and see how it feels to be armed. I want you to see how well you can tolerate doing that part of your job that you’ve been struggling with.”

"You sure?”

"Well, we could simply wait a few more months.”

"No! Not in the least interested in doing that! I’ll get on the shooting range this evening... see what’s goin’ on.”

Nodding, Aubrey said, "I’m glad. I want you to promise one thing, however.”

"What’s that?”

"If you get upset or overwhelmed about things, you are to get yourself out of there, and call me. That goes for any time, day or night, Vin.” She leaned forward and handed him a card. "Call that number and they’ll connect me with you, okay?”

Nodding, Tanner said, "I promise. Thanks, Aubrey.”

~o~

He checked his weapon, making certain that it was loaded. Putting on the ear and eye protectors, he stepped up to the half wall and laid the box of bullets on the top. Taking a deep breath, he stared across the open space to where the paper target hung. Letting it out, he did his best to calm his thoughts. He had avoided the shooting range since the Mendoza assignment. The thoughts that had blurred his mind when he did were painful at the very least. But, it was time to rid himself of the rest of the demons that had tried to possess him for far too long.

Had possessed him. He had come to realize that the only thing his denial had done was to keep him from exorcising these negative messages long ago.

Time to take control.

He aimed at the target and was taken aback when he suddenly "saw” the word "unloved” superimposed over the target, at least in his vision. He smiled. That wasn’t him. Wasn’t him as a child, and wasn’t him now. He was loved by six other men, by a surrogate mother named Nettie, by more people than he could bring to mind before he pulled the trigger. His smile broadened when the word blew apart, scattering out of his vision in a million pieces.

Next, there was "unwanted”. No, he wasn’t. His mother had wanted him badly, and she couldn’t help being taken away by disease. Six men wanted him as friends... hell, one wanted him as far more than that. He pulled the trigger again, scattering the shards of that word in every direction.

"Worthless.” Bang.

"Disgusting.” Bang.

"Stupid.” Bang.

"Helpless.” Bang-bang-bang.

On and on until, in his mind’s eye, he saw a deep pile of rubble made from all of those words and terms that he now recognized that he’d allowed to dictate so much of his life. Finally the "click” of his empty gun called his attention and he hit the button to retrieve the paper target. As it arrived, he couldn’t help but chuckle to see it riddled with holes. To him, each one signaled a victory. His victory. Those words no longer held any power over him.

~o~

The holidays were drawing near when Aubrey began to speak of ending their sessions. At first Vin was concerned, afraid of what might happen without the woman’s insight into his only now healing psyche. She assured him, frequently, that he had only to make a phone call, and they could resume their sessions. However, she pointed out, he had become more and more aware of how deeply he had come to believe the damning messages too many people had convinced him of. He saw them for what they were, and was learning many techniques to banish the voices that called to him from his past.

When he became comfortable with the idea of ending the sessions, they made a final appointment for the Monday before Thanksgiving. It seemed appropriate, and he knew that the holidays would be busy enough to help him learn to manage his thoughts on his own. But he wanted one, final thing to happen at that last session.

~o~

"Are you sure about this?” Chris asked for what had to be the thousandth time.

"Jesus, Larabee, talk about beatin’ a dead horse. Yeah, I’m sure. I’ve talked it over with Aubrey and she thinks it’s a good idea. I think... no, I know... that I want you there. There’s some things I wanna say that... well, I think it could only help that she’s there... help me to say what I mean...”

"Do we really need someone to mediate our conversation? I thought things had been going very... very... well. I guess I was wrong?”

"No, ya damn fool, ya ain’t wrong. I’ve been happier than I ever thought I could be these last weeks. But... well, I just want to... I don’t know, make sure we’re on the same page, I guess.”

The blond took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He wouldn’t admit to his lover just how nervous it made him to think about going to see a therapist. He’d been there before, and usually ended up leaving feeling angry, and never returning. But, seeing how much it had helped Vin, he had some hope. Perhaps it would be a good idea, on both their parts.

"Yeah, okay.”

~o~

"Chris Larabee, this is Aubrey Hart. Aubrey, this is Chris.” Vin smiled as he introduced his partner and his therapist.

"Chris, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard quite a bit about you.” Aubrey put out her hand, shaking the blond’s. She smiled when she saw the flash of panic on his handsome face. "Don’t worry, it’s all been good.”

Smiling now in return, Chris said, "good to know. I’ve heard a lot about you, as well. I want to thank you for everything you’ve done for Vin.”

Shaking her head as she led the way into her office, Aubrey said, "I didn’t do anything, it’s all been Vin. He’s a very strong man.” She indicated the two chairs, and pulled her desk chair closer to the men.

"Now, you know that ain’t true, Aubrey,” Vin disagreed. "You’ve pushed and pulled me through a lot of the shit that’s weighed me down for years.”

Waving his assessment away, the therapist said, "I just helped you find your way. Anyway, Chris, Vin wanted you to join us for this final session, and I agree with his request. As it’s become clear to me that you’re the most important person in his life, it’s imperative that you have as clear a picture as possible about the things that this entire incident has brought to the surface for him.”

"Most important?” Chris couldn’t help the comment, and turned loving eyes toward the other man. They smiled at one another before he continued. "I’m glad to get this chance. I know... well, I know he’s had a lot of things happen to him over the years. If I can help him in any way, I’m more than happy to do so.”

"Why?” Aubrey asked bluntly.

"Why? Well... damn, you don’t pull any punches, do you?”

"No,” she smiled.

"Okay, well, as important as I am in his life, he’s important in mine. And, if I can understand this stuff... if I can help him in any way... hell, I want to do it.”

"Chris, don’t get defensive,” Vin began.

"It’s okay,” Aubrey interjected. "I needed to see your honest response, Chris. Vin is my client, and I don’t take my commitment to my clients lightly. If I thought that, on any level, you didn’t have his interests at heart... well, I’d have made my thoughts known and ended this meeting.”

Nodding his understanding, Larabee said, "I appreciate that, Ms. Hart --”

"Aubrey.”

"Aubrey. I appreciate that you’re in his corner.”

"Um, can we get back on topic?” Vin asked. "I’m startin’ to feel like I’m in a Hallmark movie or something.”

That remark broke the tension, and the three people laughed. Together they began to work through the pain and ugliness that Vin had so long repressed. Aubrey was able to bridge gaps that had kept them from talking... really talking... for months. In the end, she was glad she had booked extra time for the two men, because she certainly didn’t want to put them through the exhaustive experience more than once.

The meeting was drawing to a close when Vin excused himself. "I forgot somethin’ in the truck, I’ll be back in just a moment.”

With a frown, Aubrey watched him hurry from the room before turning questioning eyes toward Larabee. "What’s going on?”

"He’s an enigma,” Chris teased. "Nothing fancy, he just wanted to give you something.”

Hart started to protest. At it’s core, therapists were not to accept gifts from clients. But, beyond that, he had already given her so many gifts. He had given her honesty and sincerity. He had listened to her and accepted that there was another way to look at his past. Most of all, he had given her his trust. He had given her everything.

Tanner returned quickly, carrying a large, framed item with a ribbon stretched around it. Turning it, he said, "You remember the target practice --”

"When you shot down all the words, of course. This is the target.” She looked at the tattered paper beneath the glass. With painstaking care, words were arranged at each bullet hole, so that it literally looked as if he had shot the words of ugliness that had framed his life. In one, relatively untouched corner he had written, "To Aubrey, Thank you for everything. Vin”

Wiping away tears, the therapist spoke in an emotion chocked voice, "Oh, Vin... thank you!”

"No, ma’am... thank you. I can’t tell ya how much you’ve done for me.”

Deciding to pull them all away from the overwhelming emotions that seemed headed their way, Chris said, "Now, talk about a Hallmark movie...”

"Shut up, Lar’bee.”

The End