by The Neon Gang

This is a missing scene from "Through the Looking Glass." In that story Vin was forced to perform sex acts for a voyeur who had abducted Chris to ensure Vin's cooperation. This scene haunted us until we wrote it. It was then integrated into that longer story, but since we're posting all of our fics here, we decided to put up the missing scene as it was originally written.

RATING OR WARNINGS: NC-17 for the graphic description of male-male sex.

Art by Shiloh!

Josiah watched as Vin picked at his dinner, eating no more than three bites in the entire time they had been sitting there. And Vin hadn't met the profiler's eyes once during the entire meal, either.

"Tough session today?" Sanchez asked softly, hoping he might get the sniper talking.

Vin shrugged, but he didn't look up or speak.

"Can't be easy… reliving what happened—" Before he could finish, Vin shoved back his chair and lurched to his feet. He lumbered off, body held stiffly upright. Josiah recognized it for what it was and stood, following after the younger man. When he reached the closed bathroom door, he paused, listening.

The unmistakable sound of retching could be heard coming from inside.

"Vin," he called, trying the knob, but the door had been locked from the inside. "Vin, let me help you… Please?" He could remember all too clearly how Tanner had looked when he'd arrived at the ranch after Vine's first call… "Vin, please…"

"G' away," came the muffled reply.

Josiah's eyes closed as he sighed softly. "All right, but I'm going to go put on some tea – something to help settle your stomach."

But, as it turned out, Vin didn't return to the kitchen. When Josiah finally went looking for the younger man, he found him curled up on the sofa, the blanket he usually kept draped over the back wrapped tightly around himself. Vin was buried under it, hiding or passed out, he couldn't be sure which.

Deciding that the best thing he could do for Vin at the moment was allow him to sleep – or hide – Josiah returned to the kitchen, finishing the dishes. When he was done he went to his bedroom, spending the next hour reading. When his eyelids began to droop, he slid his book onto the nightstand, and turned off the light, quickly falling to sleep.

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Josiah wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but he knew something had woken him. He lay, listening, but didn't hear anything coming from the living room, so he doubted it was another nightmare, pulling Vin to screaming consciousness.

He sighed and turned over onto his back, hoping he could get back to sleep, but the niggling feeling of something being not quite right refused to let him.

He was just about to turn over again when he heard it – a soft, frightened-sounding whisper. "'Siah?"

"Vin?" he said, sitting up in his bed. A moment later, the younger man appeared at his bedside, the blanket from the sofa still draped over his shoulders. Then he heard it, the sound that he knew had awoken him – Vin's teeth were chattering.

"C-cold," Vin said.

Without hesitation, Josiah slid over, tossing back his blankets and saying, "Come here, Vin."

The blanket hit the floor and Vin slid into the bed, zeroing right in on the vacated warm spot. He lay down and curled up on his side, his knees drawn up to his chest.

Josiah reached over and flipped the covers over the sniper, then lay down himself. When he heard the younger man's teeth still chattering, he scooted closer to Vin. "Come here," he said again, offering Vin the shelter of his arm, hoping a little body warmth might chase the chill away.

Vin uncurled and moved to him, seeking the comfort he so desperately needed. Josiah wrapped his arm around Vin's back and pulled him closer, holding him.

Vin snaked his arm over Josiah's chest, holding on to the older man for all he was worth.

"Bad dream?" the profiler asked quietly.

Vin nodded.

Josiah heard an answering stifled sob as well. "It's going to get better, I promise."

Vin clung to him tighter, his diaphragm jerking as he silently cried.

Josiah continued to hold him, his hand rubbing up and down Vin's back, pausing from time to time on the back of Vin's head, where he carded his fingers through the man's hair as best he could, hoping it was giving Tanner some comfort. He wasn't sure how long the tears lasted, or if any had actually fallen, but there had been a catharsis of some kind, and Josiah felt it when Vin finally began to relax against him. He kept up the gentle touch, hoping it might lull Vin back to sleep.

"'Siah…?"

"Mmm?"

Several seconds passed, enough so Josiah decided Vin wasn't going to ask or say whatever he'd started to, and he didn't want to push Vin, not right now. He was too fragile, too vulnerable.

"Why d' I still want—?"

"Want what, Vin?" he asked softly, his hand rubbing along Vin's arm.

"T' be with Chris."

Josiah frowned in the darkness. "Because you love him," he stated matter-of-factly.

"Shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"'M dirty now…"

"No, Vin, you're not."

Tanner nodded. "Feels dirty, J'siah. Feels like he's crawlin' all over me, all the time. Can't love Chris with him on me like this…"

"Vin—" Josiah started, but he stopped short when Tanner's hand shifted, coming up to rest on his bare chest, his fingertips brushing lightly over one of the profiler's nipples.

The older man's mind raced as he tried to decide what to do. He'd always found Vin attractive, and he'd always considered the man his friend, but he knew, with absolute certainty, that Vin's heart belonged to Chris – always had. So why was he touching him like this?

But he knew. Down deep, he understood.

"Vin," he said softly, trying to ignore the pleasure that was being created as Vin continued to stroke his fingertip lightly over the now-hard nipple, "you don't really want this."

Vin nodded. "Yes, I do."

"No, you want Chris. You want him to get well and go home from the hospital, and you want him to hold you, and make love to you, and tell you that he loves you, that he still loves you, no matter what you had to do to keep him safe."

Vin's finger paused, his hand dropping down to press against the older man's ribs. "Feel so damn dirty… like I'll never be clean again."

"Which is a natural reaction," he assured the man. "I know Dee's told you that, hasn't she?"

Vin nodded. Then, a few moments later came a "Why?" Tanner's voice breaking, pleading.

"Why? Why what, Vin? You mean why do you feel dirty?"

Vin shook his head, pressing himself tightly to Josiah's side, and the profiler could feel Tanner's erection.

"Why am I still like this?" Vin asked.

Josiah wasn't sure what "this" was – aroused? But before he could ask, Vin continued on his own.

"How c'n I still want t' be with a man after what he made me do?"

"Oh, Vin," Josiah said, reaching up and cupping the back of the man's head. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be with the one you love."

"Feels wrong. Feels dirty. Don't want t' feel like that no more, J'siah."

"Vin, you've been violated. What you're feeling is a normal reaction to that kind of trauma. The feeling will fade with time and work, I promise."

"Can't stop wantin' 'im," Vin continued as if he hadn't heard a word Josiah had just said. "Can't stop lovin' 'im."

"Vin, there's nothing wrong with love. And there's nothing wrong with a man loving a man. It's as natural as any other kind of love."

Vin's hand moved again, touching the still-hard nub once more. "Will y' love me, 'Siah?"

"Of course, I love you," the older man replied.

"No," Vin said, his voice soft and strained, "want y' t' make love t' me."

"Vin, you love Chris."

"Need t' feel clean again, 'Siah," Vin said, pressing his rock-hard cock against Josiah's hip. "Please… Please, 'Siah… Need y'…"

"Shh," Josiah responded, reaching over with his free hand, touching Vin's face, stroking his cheek, trying to comfort him, and unable to deny that there was a part of him that wanted Vin – wanted to make love to him, to help him forget for just a little while. But it was wrong. He would be taking advantage of Vin if he acted on his own attraction.

"'Siah," Vin whimpered, humping against the older man's hip. "Just want ya t' make me clean again. Please," he begged, the word cut off slightly as his throat closed. "Please," he tried again a few seconds later, his hand sliding from Josiah's aching nipple to close around his slowly filling cock.

"Vin," Josiah said, his hand shooting down to grab the younger man's wrist and pull his hand away from his traitorous cock, "I'm not the one you want."

Vin rose up slightly, peering down at Josiah as he said, "Yer wrong, J'siah. Always wanted y', always loved y', too, jist ain't like how I love 'n' want Chris… but it's there."

Josiah smiled in the darkness. "And you know I love you, too, Vin, but I'd be taking advantage—"

"No!" Vin cried. " He did that! I need y', J'siah. Need y' bad. Want ya t' get 'im off m' skin," he begged, pressing his cheek to Josiah's chest. "Please, 'Siah. Please, make 'im go away…"

"Oh, Vin," the older man breathed, releasing Tanner's hand and holding him as he tried to decide what to do. That part of him that was a trained psychologist knew he should stop, call Dee, and force Vin to sit and talk this out with her. But that part of him who was Vin's friend wanted to help him, wanted to take away the pain, give him anything he wanted, but he wasn't sure he could.

But he also knew that he didn't have a choice. Right or wrong, Vin needed him, right now, and he wasn't about to let the man down, even if he suspected he would regret it later.

He could still feel Vin's erection pressed against his leg, and, as he lay there, trying to decide what to do, Vin ground himself against Josiah's hip and whimpered.

"'Siah…"

That sound and that single word galvanized the older man and set him in motion. He wrapped his arms around Vin and rolled him over onto his back, himself coming up onto his elbow. He leaned over Vin, tenderly kissing his forehead, his closed eyes, his cheeks, and, finally, his lips.

"Vin, I shouldn't do this," he tried, but Tanner just lifted his head, forcing their lips back together.

Then Vin moaned softly, with undisguised need, and his lips parted. Josiah plunged his tongue into the younger man's mouth without a second thought, one of his own secret fantasies coming to life in his arms, and he was just too weak to walk away.

Vin pressed his head up again, grinding his lips against Josiah's teeth. The profiler knew then that his thought of making this a gentle lovemaking wasn't going to work. Vin was too needy, too desperate.

Josiah reached out and pressed Vin back against the mattress, forcing his tongue deeper into the man's mouth as he did, and Vin's body shook in reaction, goose bumps coming up across his skin.

Reaching down, Josiah grabbed the hem of the T-shirt Vin wore – one of Sanchez's old ones that he'd loaned the younger man – and yanked it up. He shifted position, his lips and teeth attacking Vin's closest nipple.

Tanner cried out, his chest arching into the assault, the younger man gulping in air like he was drowning. Vin's hands came up, his fingers curling into Josiah's hair, keeping him focused on the obviously sensitive nub.

Vin's overwhelming need brought Josiah to full hardness. He dropped lower, his tongue teasing around the rim of Tanner's bellybutton, making the younger man squirm beneath him.

With a resolute sigh, Josiah pulled away from Vin. "Undress," Josiah instructed, watching as Tanner stripped out of the T-shirt and the sweatpants he was wearing in record time. The older man only had to remove his boxer shorts, then he gathered Vin to him, nearly covering the sniper with his body, kissing him again, hoping he could delay the inevitable, but Vin was beyond waiting.

"Please, 'Siah," Tanner panted as Josiah sucked one nipple into his mouth. "Want y' inside me… Need y' inside me…"

Josiah's head came up. "Vin—"

"Need y', 'Siah. Inside. Please…"

"All right, all right," Josiah soothed. "But I'm not going to hurt you, Vin."

The man whined, his hips lifting, his hard cock straining up along his belly.

Sanchez cursed softly, the sound undoing his resolve to go slowly… He sighed and reached over Vin to fumble open the drawer of his nightstand. Feeling inside, he located the bottle of liquid KY and fished it out.

Before he could even open the cap, Vin had rolled onto his left side, his right leg bending at the knee, giving Josiah full access to his ass.

The profiler swallowed hard and squeezed some of the slick liquid onto his fingers, then reached down and rubbed it over the tight pucker, making Vin groan with mounting need.

Josiah carefully sank one thick finger into the tight channel, finger-fucking the younger man as he worked to prepare him as quickly as he could.

"Now, 'Siah, need y' inside me now ."

"Soon," Sanchez replied, determined he wouldn't hurt Vin. Pulling his finger out, he squeezed out more KY and pressed two into the squirming man.

"Ah," Vin gasped, pressing his hips back, trying to sink the fingers in deeper. " Please , 'Siah!" he wailed.

Josiah knew Vin wasn't ready, but it appeared he was as ready as he was going to get. The older man made sure his cock was well lubed, then grabbed the base and guided himself to Vin's waiting ass. Tanner stilled, waiting, his body trembling.

Josiah found the right spot and drew a deep breath, silently praying he didn't hurt Vin too badly, then pressed his hips forward, not letting up until the head of his cock slipped inside.

Vin sighed loudly, his body shaking more, but relaxing, his ass opening, allowing Josiah to sink in deeper.

Each time Josiah met resistance, he paused, waiting. And, each time, it didn't take long before Vin was humping back against him, sinking Sanchez deeper.

When Josiah was fully sheathed inside Vin, he reached out, running his hand along Vin's leg, petting him as he began to move, slowly at first, just a couple of inches sliding in and out.

Vin hissed through clenched teeth, letting himself get lost in the sensations being visited on his body. "More," he gasped, lifting his leg, hooking his arm under his knees to hold it up.

Josiah picked up his pace, sliding in and out of the tight, almost too-hot channel, praying now that he could hold off long enough to let Vin have his pleasure.

Vin pulled his leg higher and Josiah reached out, holding on to it as he drove in deeper and faster than before.

"Hard, 'Siah, harder," Vin panted, his hand dropping to grab his leaking cock, jerking frantically on it.

"Wait, Vin, wait," the older man said, shifting, trying to make the move he wanted to make without breaking the connection between them, but the lube was so slick he slipped free of Vin's ass.

"No!" Tanner cried, blue eyes flying open. "J'siah!"

"Easy, Vin, easy," he soothed, pulling Vin over onto his back and lifting his legs.

"'Siah," Vin moaned, tossing his head.

Josiah grabbed his cock, sliding all the way back inside Vin with one strong stab.

"Yes!" Vin hissed, giving over his body to the older man to use.

And Josiah leaned forward, driving into the younger man with the force and speed Tanner needed.

Vin's hand returned to his cock, jerking himself with short, savage strokes, his head arching back, his ass tightening as his gland was struck, again and again.

"'Siah!" Vin cried, come erupting from his cock, spraying over Josiah's chest.

Feeling Vin's come landing on his skin was all Josiah could take. He rammed his cock into Vin's ass and came, his hips humping strongly as he did.

When he could, Josiah sank back, trying to catch his breath. His softening cock sipped from Tanner's ass and he lowered Vin's legs. And, a moment later, Vin was on his knees in the center of the bed, his arms wrapped around Josiah, sobbing.

"Easy, Vin, easy," Sanchez said, stroking Tanner's naked, sweat-coated back. Between them, he could feel the younger man was still hard, although he couldn't imagine how that was possible, given the amount of come that was dripping down his skin.

Vin continued to sob, although Josiah felt no tears falling from the man's eyes. "Shh," he said, holding Vin, rocking him.

"Need y' some more," Vin whispered. "Please…" He pulled back and turned around, presenting his raised ass to Josiah.

"Vin, I don't think—"

"Use yer fingers," Vin said, tone still edged with more desperation than the profiler liked.

Josiah swallowed, but he knew he couldn't leave Vin wanting. He felt around for the KY, squeezed more onto his fingers and slid two of them inside the man. Vin's hole was still stretched open, giving him easy access.

"More," Vin groaned, pressing back, meeting Josiah's thrusts.

Josiah added a third finger, using them to take Vin a second time. And, to his very great surprise, he found himself growing hard again as Vin moaned and grunted, impaling himself again and again.

As soon as he was hard enough, Josiah pulled his fingers free, replacing them with his cock.

"Ah!" Vin cried, grinding his ass back against Josiah's groin.

The big profiler reached down, taking hold of Tanner's hips and spearing him with deep, hard thrusts, his cock quickly swelling to full hardness once more.

Vin moaned and gurgled, reveling in the feel of Josiah's balls slapping against his ass, his cock filling him. "Harder," he begged, squeezing his muscles.

His hips were jerked tighter against Josiah's groin, his hole ravaged harder and deeper. And Vin surrendered himself to it, losing himself in it, letting it sear all the filth from him, letting it purify him. When he came, he screamed.

Josiah rode through Vin's climax, the wild dance of the younger man's muscles nearly undoing him. But his unexpected second erection, so soon after his own orgasm, meant he had more staying power this time, and he made it though the roiling storm of the man's orgasm.

When he finally felt Vin's muscles go slack, he slowed his thrusts, enjoying the feel of sliding in and out of Tanner with slow, deep thrusts. It was almost teasing, and, a few minutes later, Vin moaned softly and began to circle his hips, enjoying the sweet lovemaking.

"That's right," Josiah said softly, knowing Vin could finally hear him past his need. "You feel me?"

"Yes," Vin breathed.

"You feel me inside you?"

"I feel y', 'Siah…"

"You're not dirty, Vin. You never were. What he did to you was wrong. How you feel about Chris, that's not wrong, or bad, or dirty. It's normal. You're normal. You're a good man, Vin Tanner, and I'm damn glad that you're my friend, glad that you trust me enough to let me help you like this."

Vin moaned again, his body rousing in response to Josiah's words. He began to rock his hips back to meet the older man's thrusts, but it was without the frenzy of before.

Josiah leaned forward, then reached down and found Vin's half-full cock, stroking it tenderly, loving it, loving Vin.

When Tanner was fully hard once more, Josiah slowed, then stopped, pulling carefully from Vin's ass.

The younger man whimpered, but it wasn't from desperate need, just frustration.

"Turn over," Josiah said, waiting as Vin did as he was told.

Vin bent his knees and spread his legs open. "Love me, 'Siah."

The older man smiled. "Now, that I can do, Vin," he said, moving between the man's legs, sinking back into the welcoming heat of Tanner's body. This time, he took his time, loving Vin the way he'd wanted to from the start.

And when they came at the same time, minutes later, it was a shared experience.

They collapsed together as well, Vin cuddling up next to Josiah, both men holding and being held, both trying to ignore the various wet spots they encountered on the sheets.

"J'siah," Vin breathed, his eyes dropping closed.

"Mmm?"

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, my friend."

"Ain't just yer friend," Vin slurred. "We's family."

"Amen, brother, amen," Josiah said, pulling Vin closer, feeling it as the younger man fell asleep. He bent his head and pressed a kiss to the top of Vin's head. "We are family, Vin," he whispered. "And I will always love you… And if Chris doesn't get his head out of his ass, I'm going to steal you away from him."

But he knew he couldn't, not really. Vin's heart belonged to Chris, and always would. But if Chris didn't come around, he knew now it would fall to him to care for Vin's body, and his soul. Vin's heart, however, would always belong to Chris.

* ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ *

When Josiah woke in the morning, it was to the feel of a mouth on his cock. He sucked in a breath, stiffening, then remembered the night before.

"Vin," he breathed.

The younger man looked up at him, saying, "Want t' make y' feel good, J'siah."

"You don't—"

But Vin dropped his head, sucking Josiah back into his mouth, and the older man couldn't stop his hips from pressing up, or halt the soft moan that escaped his lips.

"Vin, you—"

Tanner's fingers pressed into the crack of the profiler's ass, one poking into the man's hole.

Josiah grunted, unaccustomed to the violation, but his body adjusted quickly, enjoying the sensations Vin was creating. But it was what the younger man's mouth was doing that had the profiler's fingers curling into the man's hair.

"Vin," he said, knowing he was getting close.

But that only seemed to spur Tanner on, and he swallowed Josiah deeper, the feel of the man humming around his cock pushing the older man over the edge. His hips bucked up and he came, Vin drinking it down.

Josiah closed his eyes, panting, his body having surprised him once more.

A moment later, Vin was pressed up against him, holding him. Josiah wrapped an arm around the man and pulled him close, surprised to discover Tanner wasn't hard.

"Why—?" he started, but Vin cut him off.

"Wanted to thank you… for last night."

"You didn't need to. Last night was its own thanks, Vin," he said.

"I just wanted you to know it meant a lot to me… that you'd do that for me," Vin said softly.

Josiah opened his eyes and looked at the sniper. "Vin, I care about you, deeply. You do understand that, right?"

Vin nodded, his face coloring. The effect was more than enough to make Sanchez smile.

"Vin, do you think you deserve to be loved?" he asked.

The question seemed to catch the younger man off guard. He opened his mouth to reply, then didn't. He thought for a moment, then said, "I guess so."

"You are," Josiah said. "Do you think you deserve Chris' love?"

Vin immediately looked away. "He ain't like me."

"You mean he isn't gay?"

Vin nodded.

"So what if he isn't? He could be bisexual, or maybe just open-minded. We don't fit into nice, neat little boxes, Vin."

"I guess," Vin said.

"We don't," Josiah said. "I want you to see Dee today, okay?"

Vin sighed.

"Vin…"

Another sigh, but Tanner nodded, adding a moment later, "But only if y' love me again."

Josiah chuckled. "I think you made that impossible," he said. "I'm not as young as you are. My body—"

"Not now," Vin interrupted. He looked up, blue eyes meeting blue. "Later… someday…"

"Someday?" Josiah asked, reaching up to rest his hand on the back on Vin's head.

Tanner nodded. "Just want t' know that if I need…" Vin dipped his head. "If I need y' again… someday… you'll be with me again…"

"Vin," Josiah said softly, "I'll always be here if you need me. You hear me? I'll always be here for you. But I won't be a fuck-buddy."

Vin nodded. "Don't want one."

"This is all going to work out, you'll see," the older man assured him. "Give Chris a chance…"

Vin squeezed Josiah, his doubts all too clear to the profiler.

"Do you feel better than you did last night?" Josiah asked.

That brought Vin's head up and he looked at Josiah, nodding. "I do."

"Good," Sanchez replied. "That mean you're hungry, too?"

Vin thought for a moment, then nodded again. "Starved."

That put a smile on the older man's face. "Well, then, how do pancakes sound? I'll even make cinnamon apple pancakes…"

Vin smiled. It wasn't his usual smile, but it was a start, and Josiah was grateful that their lovemaking the night before didn't seem to have had a negative impact on Vin, or on their relationship. In fact, they seemed to be even closer, and for that he was grateful.

Then he realized that Vin's cock was stirring.

"C'n I ask a favor 'fore we go eat?" Vin questioned, the tone of his voice telling Josiah he should run now.

"I guess so…"

Vin's smile widened. "Think maybe y' could return the favor?"

Josiah flashed a toothy grin. "I think that could be arranged… if you'll fry us sausage while I do the pancakes."

Vin nodded. "I c'n do that."

"Figured you could," Josiah said, pushing Vin over and reaching for the man's almost-hard cock. "But first we have to deal with this… then take a shower."

"Together?" Vin asked, his eyes closing as Josiah began to stroke him.

"Chris is going to be one lucky man," Josiah breathed, dipping his head to take Vin into his mouth.

"Oh, God!" Vin gasped, hips pressing up.

It didn't actually take long before Vin was coming, calling out Josiah's name as he did. And the older man knew he'd never forget what that sounded like, not for as long as he lived.

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