Ezra´s Thoughts

(on a lonely night near Christmas)

by Zentry

Disclaimer: I don´t own him.

Thanks to Angela B. Who encouraged me to post. (but please, don´t blame her) Be kind, I´m still learning English.

He was out in patrol, cold and alone. His mind wondering about life, friends and how to survive the next few days.

The joy of the Holidays, dark times will not exist.


It´s not that easy to smile anymore, to be a witness to all of those merry feelings. It´s really hard when all you feel inside is hollow, the weight of despair, the overwelming sadness.


My soul is going numb most of these days, false grins, quick jokes, a lot of sarcasm hiding in laughter, to pretend and to live, to mask with words the pain.


I thought I was over all of this, oh, but they proved me wrong. They managed to hurt me again, so stupid, forgot to protect myself, that annoying little voice in my head did expect it, open yourself to them just to see how bad it could turn.


My friends... yeah right,

Why do you still care if, for them, you are nothing? Why do you try to show them how “great” you can be? Can I be?

Haven´t you learned that it never works?


Doesn´t matter when, nor where, the same words always come back, just from different people;

“Oh, we forgot about you...”

“It was a mistake...”

“Must have been your own fault, your own doing...”

But the worst are the feelings that weren´t expressed with words but shown to me in actions;

“We don´t need you here...”

“We don´t want you there...”

“You take care of yourself, we don´t have time...”

“We don´t want to be around you...”

“We don´t trust you...”


Trust, how can I trust?


Alone, {sigh} being alone in the middle of a town, around so many people and still feeling all alone.


I´m so disgusting that nobody will ever love me?

What did you expect? Even your blood family will not stay around, will not love you


Why am I still here? I should be gone.

Am I scared of the unknown?


I´m so jealous of them, brothers by choice, they know what to expect of each other, so close, so great and I can´t have it, can´t even grasp it.


Already tired of praying for love, for a sense of belonging, - for them to notice you?, for them to care? {sigh}


These days I have been praying, - That would surprise a few of them - praying for release, for this to end... You coward


No! I will not run away, at least not like that, not by your own hand, but... Maybe the end would come to me. It´s always around, it strikes near, but even that, like everything else, always leave me behind.


“You are so lucky” they say. They have no idea.


I don´t want the pain anymore, to feel the blood running free, letting my life go away. {sigh}


I´m still around, don´t worry. If they need amusement or entretainment they can seek me. Seemed to be part of my “job,” at least with the strangers that I meet every day.


So if any of them, my friends, will need to bare their souls to somebody not involved, impartial, wihout a mind clouded by emotions or worthless feelings... {gasp}

Somebody from out of their circle?

Oh yes, they would find me, where I will always be, and behind a smile.