Hurts Me So

by Giselle

(NOT a B&D story!)

Note: Sort of a rambling sequel to One Good Reason but can stand alone.

I love you so much it hurts me And there’s nothing I can do I want to hold you my dear forever and ever I love you so much it hurts me so - John Prine

As he drove along in the early morning darkness, the thoughts of a tired but not very sleepy Vin Tanner hovered around his estranged lover.

Vin had learned everything that mattered about sex from Chris. Which was initially a bit of a shock. The first time they went to bed together, Vin had been the confident one. After all, Chris had no experience with other men and Vin did. Maybe not a lot but more than some. Definitely enough to please a partner. He knew just what to do to get a lover off while ensuring his own satisfaction. In fact, Vin figured he was pretty good at it. At least, he never got any complaints. And he was determined to leave Chris speechless, unable to complain even if he wanted to. Of course, he wouldn’t want to. Least ways that was the plan.

Chris had been nervous as they teased and undressed. He kept deferring to Vin’s experience, imploring his friend to guide him. Yet nothing in Vin’s sexual past had prepared him for even one night with Chris. Certainly nothing could compare. Vin supposed he knew it all, had only chosen not to do it all. Still, he was completely amazed at how different it was with Chris. Almost instantaneously, he realized that nothing that had ever come before had any meaning or importance. Maybe it had been the way his boss had handled his nervousness, making jokes and the two of them practically giggling like school kids by the time they got Chris inside. Vin had never seen Chris like that. But then Chris wasn’t laughing. As he moved inside his partner, the older man exuded strength and passion and something else Vin could not describe. It was as if the energy in the room changed, the air itself crackling with intensity. And poor unsuspecting Vin had gotten completely lost in it. He saw with incredible clarity that **this** was the way it was supposed to be. In the end, it wasn’t experience that had mattered.

Maybe Chris was just a natural lover.

Or maybe Vin had been in love with Chris all along. Not that he had let himself think that then, merely waited patiently for the other man to make the next move. Mercifully, that had taken only a few days. Soon, by unspoken agreement, they were spending their weekends exploring their newly acknowledged mutual attraction. Well, weekends when they weren’t working and none of the guys were around. Vin didn’t recall exactly when Chris started staying the odd weeknight with him in Purgatorio. Or when they’d started spending almost every other night together. He just remembered accepting it without even thinking. And he really never believed that it was exclusively about physical attraction. There was more to it. From the start. Had to be.

Now Chris had gone and ended it. And Vin didn’t know what to think. That’s why he was heading out to his little piece of property on the lake. He needed to sort things out, alone. It was two weeks to the day since JD had surprised them while they were making love. Surprised himself even more. Vin wasn’t too steeped in misery to chortle at JD’s reaction to his own intrusion. His amusement faded as he realized that although JD had finally relaxed and even joked with him about it, Chris still wasn’t budging. They hadn’t talked much, partly because Chris was emotionally inaccessible, to put it mildly. Mainly because the Anderson case broke. One of the suspects they’d corralled offered some potentially interesting information. The team had worked pretty hard over the last week and a half sorting out the good leads from the bad. Throughout that time Chris was tense and remote, especially brusque with Vin. The others had noticed it and were openly dismayed by it. Even JD. Especially JD.

Vin promised Buck that he’d give it time before requesting a transfer. But he just couldn’t take much more.

+ + + + + + +

Vin had left Chris’ house in bad shape last week after a brief and fruitless argument. Chris had been so listless, so resigned, leaving Vin feeling lost and confused. The last thing he wanted to see was a member of their team. Yet there was Buck at the foot of the stairs. Looking up at him with understanding, compassion, and a little sadness. Vin lost it then and there. He hid his face in his hands and sobbed quietly. He stood like that for what seemed like forever but was probably only a minute or two. Surprisingly, he felt Buck’s strong arms encircle him. His immediate impulse was to stiffen and pull away. He didn’t, relaxing into the embrace. For a moment, anyway. Then Vin did pull away, swiping at his tears. He wouldn’t meet Buck’s gaze.

"Think this is a first for me, Bucklin, crying over getting dumped." Vin said with a weak smile. "’Course I usually do the dumpin’".

Buck laughed. "Guess we got that in common, Junior." "Is he calm?"

"If he were any calmer we’d have to check for a pulse." Vin sounded bewildered. He took a deep breath and continued staring out into the horizon. Buck nodded and shifted, leaning against the porch railing.

Buck liked Vin, hated seeing the hurt on his face, the tension in his body. Vin’s entire anatomy seemed to be protesting Chris’ rashness. Buck honestly did not know what to think when Chris first broke the news to him about his involvement with Vin. It dawned on Buck now that Chris might have been hoping his oldest friend would freak out so he’d have an excuse to end it then.

But Buck didn’t freak. He’d gotten past his own hang-ups without too much trouble. Chris was different around Vin. Calmer, happier. Buck couldn’t deny it. He didn’t have to understand it. Now, seeing Vin’s distress, he realized he did understand. Vin loved Chris. And Chris needed somebody to love him like Vin so clearly did. The hard part would be making the old mule see it for himself.

"Let me talk to him, Vin." Buck reached out and grabbed Vin’s hand, tugging on it lightly. The Texan finally looked him in the eye. "Don’t go and do something crazy, like request a transfer, until I’ve had a chance to clear some things up."

Vin wondered if he was that transparent or if Buck could suddenly read him as easily as Chris could. He took a deep breath. "OK," Vin said, "I’ll wait it out a bit. Just don’t, I mean …" Vin hesitated and Buck raised an eyebrow. "It’s just that," he glanced away from Buck again, continuing in a small voice, "I think he really means it."

+ + + + + + +

So Buck had tried. He’d gotten about as far as Vin. It seemed Chris was determined to end their relationship.

As he approached his haven, Vin tried to regret falling in love with the worrisome blonde. He couldn’t. Chris was the best thing that ever happened to him. In countless ways, many that went beyond their sexual intimacy. Still, he doubted he would ever fall in love again. Probably just go back to the ways things were before. Casual, short-lived flings. No nameless one night stands or anything. Casual, fueled by attraction but packing no real emotion. Vin felt more things than he ever felt before just meeting Chris. Forget sex with the man. Truth was, Vin hadn’t slept with anyone since the day they met, long before they ever consummated their relationship. Long before he even dared to dream they would. Now that he’d experienced the exquisite pleasure that was Chris Larabee, hell, he’d be lucky to ever drum up enough desire to have sex again at all.

"Enough!" Vin growled out loud to his groin, which was reacting on its own to thoughts of getting naked and sweaty with Chris. Jeez, he missed it. Missed Chris. As he turned off the dirt road onto his property, already resigning himself to filing that transfer request, he spotted a black truck parked by his tiny mobile home.

Vin’s heart fluttered in chest. What was Chris doing here? He calmed himself, refusing to get his hopes up. You just never knew with Chris. He pulled the jeep alongside the pickup and parked, getting out slowly.

Vin noticed Chris sitting out at the end of the rickety dock, watching the sun come up over the water. The sharpshooter studied his lover’s broad back, not detecting any tension as he approached. His lover? Surely if Chris was here he still wanted to be Vin’s lover. Vin paused for a moment, remembering about those high hopes. He couldn’t help himself. He wanted to enjoy the idea that Chris was his for just a little longer.

"This here’s private property, cowboy," Vin said as he neared the elusive object of his desire.

"Yeah?" Chris responded without looking up. "You gonna arrest me?"

"I should kick your ass," Vin replied, kidding but not by much.

Chris grinned and looked down at the gently lapping water. "I don’t know what to say, Vin."

Chris’ tone alarmed him, and he paused in mid sit. "If you’re here to tell me anything other than ‘I love you, Vin’ then you’d best get lost or I will kick your sorry ass." Vin rose from his haunches, his anger rising even more fluidly. Phoenix, he thought to himself, or maybe Miami. Someplace warm.

Beside him, Chris sat silently.

Vin tore his eyes away from his taciturn companion, turning to look out over the lake. "It’s too fuckin’ early for this, Chris, and this is –"

"I do love you, Vin," Chris cut in. He looked up and waited for Vin to look back. "I love you. Very much. I’m just not sure I can do anything about it." Chris sounded heartsick, defeated. Vin pursed his lips. After a moment’s hesitation, he sat. Warmer climes could wait.

He said quietly: "Seems to me you been doing something about it for a couple of months now, cowboy. It should be easier now that the boys know and don’t have a problem with it. I told you JD and Nate would come around." When Chris didn’t answer, Vin continued. "But this was never really about them, was it?"

"No, well, yeah, a little. Maybe."

"Glad you thought this through, Chris," Vin replied sarcastically. "’Cause it’s practically all I been thinking about." He added, "On my free time, anyway." Once more, Vin was caught between wanting to be honest with his emotions and not wanting to open too big a door to the desperation he was feeling.

Chris said: "I was worried about the team, and I was right to feel that."

Vin nodded. "Except that now you’re the one making it uneasy for everybody." Vin put his hand up before Chris could reply. "I know you like your privacy, cowboy, but the guys all see the way you avoid me. You’re the one bringing it into the office now. Don’t get pissed at them for noticing."

It was true. Chris shuddered with almost excruciating embarrassment at the thought of JD seeing him bare-assed, thrusting like a maniac into Vin. Sure, he was an adult and in the privacy of his own home. He certainly didn’t feel the need to explain himself to his youngest team member. Not that JD had stuck around long for explanations or anything else. He couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. Which was fine with Chris. He still didn’t know what the hell the kid was doing there. But Chris had felt acutely exposed, in ways beyond his obvious nakedness. Still did. After JD fled, he found himself lashing out at Vin. Jeez, the way he treated Vin immediately after, like it was Vin’s fault. Vin was caught there in that compromising position with him. He sure as hell wasn’t doing anything wrong. No, in fact, Vin was doing everything just right. But when Vin shrugged it off it had inexplicably irritated him. Chris couldn’t be that cavalier. On Sunday, Vin had been prepared for Chris’ decision and that made Chris mad, too. Vin knew him too well. This wasn’t supposed to happen. No one was supposed to get that close to him again. The blonde was sure it couldn’t get any worse. Then JD had gone and blabbed to the others. Chris knew he would. Didn’t mean it didn’t tick him off royally.

Back at the office, Chris dared JD to say anything to him with one well-intentioned glare. Upon discovering them, the young tech had apologized profusely, stumbling over his words, unable to hide his embarrassment or otherwise toss it off. But damn if Chris would have any of that at work. Buck had called him Saturday night, not to joke but to appease. It was no big deal, about time the others found out, and so on. And on Monday, only Nate seemed displeased though in truth, it hadn’t lasted very long. Ezra had that irritating and knowing grin on his face most of the day, which Chris ignored. Josiah was business as usual. It really was Chris who had the problem.

Vin swatted his partner’s thigh, drawing his thoughts back to the here and now. Chris usually found it hard to not dwell in the past. Easier since Vin came into his life. Vin both simplified and complicated things for him.

"This is about Sarah, isn’t it? About losing her? And try to be direct, cowboy, for my sake." There was no anger in Vin’s voice as he smiled encouragingly at Chris.

Chris made a slight snorting sound in acknowledgment that Vin had spoken but otherwise continued staring at his feet.

"Are the answers in the water, Chris?" Vin asked finally, getting exasperated. "Because if they are I’ll gladly jump in."

Chris did snort then, squaring his shoulders. He was ready. "Remember when you took out Hank Mullen?"

Vin felt no particular guilt about how he utilized his skills with a gun. Nevertheless, he had a habit of remembering names and situations. "Yeah, the asshole killed his wife and twin daughters then tried to hold up a bank. Held a gun to a hostage’s head. All because he couldn’t handle the huge debt he accumulated buying gifts for a stripper." He paused. "He would have killed that teller, too." Vin shook his head at the memory, at the useless slaughter, and waited for Chris to illuminate his reasons for bringing it up.

"I stayed with you in town that night. It was the first time…" Chris hesitated, turning to look at his friend. Vin cocked his head and furrowed his brow. Chris had slept in his bed before that.

The older man took a deep breath and continued. "It was the first time we just slept together. You know, no fucking, just held each other."

"Well, there was the time we got polluted at Inez’s and had to grab a cab back to my place. No sex that night, we barely made it to the bed." The memory alone was enough to make Vin nauseous. He almost smiled but Chris was eyeing him so intently that he suddenly felt very parched. Like his lips would crack if he chanced that smile.

"It’s my job, Chris," Vin said, seriously, though Chris hadn’t questioned it. Then something clicked. "I’m not sorry for taking that shot, wasn’t then either, but it was nice having you there. It was comforting. Didn’t know I needed comfort." He shrugged. "Felt right, though, after such a bad day." Vin remembered back. He’d gotten home that night, leaving the door unlocked and slightly ajar, intuitively knowing Chris would follow eventually.

"Felt right for me, too. That’s when I knew it wasn’t just about sex, that we gave each other more than just physical pleasure."

"And that’s a bad thing?"

"Not bad, exactly. At first, I did think of the job. How getting found out could ruin my career, maybe yours, too. I thought about our agreement. Work before play. But I wasn’t ready to give you up just yet. I told myself I would, though. Soon." Chris had tilted his face toward the morning sun while he spoke and closed his eyes.

Vin took in his profile, let Chris’ beauty wash over him. How he ached for this man! Maybe he should tackle him, remind the stubborn bastard exactly what that physical pleasure felt like.

When Chris continued, his voice was soft, almost wistful. "I still miss her, Vin. I’ve accepted it, I guess, but there’s always going to be a hole in my heart where they used to be." He turned to face his sharpshooter, gauging Vin’s reaction to this confession.

"I know, cowboy. I don’t mind it none. And I can’t believe Sarah would mind you loving again. Not even a sorry, no account Texan."

Chris heard the playfulness in Vin’s voice, saw the twinkle in his eyes. "No, she wouldn’t have minded. I’m ok with that part." It was time to let it out. Hell, Vin probably already knew. Wasn’t that the problem? So he took Vin’s hand in his own two, rubbing gently, softening the blow. "I don’t know if I’m ready to risk getting another hole. It hurts too much and I don’t ever want to go through it again. I can’t ever go through it again."

Vin nodded. After a time, he reached over and cupped Chris’ face in his other hand. Leaning in, he kissed him slowly and tenderly then pulled back. When he spoke, his words were equally tender, caressing Chris’ soul.

"Ain’t no guarantees in life, cowboy. Only that we all die someday. I’m telling you now, that’s the only way I’ll ever leave you. Can’t say when that will be. Can’t promise you anything ‘cept to love you with my dying breath." He stared into those beautiful green eyes that had so often revealed the secrets of the universe to him and saw fear. But he was pretty sure he was seeing hope, too. "Do you really want to go back to the way it was for you after you lost your family? I know it’s a huge risk. But is it any worse than being alone and broken hearted? Yeah, you may end up that way again. Then again, you may not. Or not for a very long time."

Chris looked down at his hands where they held Vin’s and tightened his grip. "It scares me, Vin, to need you the way I do." He spoke just above a whisper. "I’ve been going crazy the past couple of weeks without you."

Vin leaned in again, voice husky in Chris’ ear. "I’m right here, Chris. I don’t want to leave you. If you turn me out, I’ll go. Because I’ll have to not because I’ll want to. " He kissed his lover’s neck. "There’s one thing, though. I ain’t ever loved anyone but you and iff’n you let me go, I ain’t ever gonna love anyone else. Haven’t I saved your skinny ass enough times to deserve better than that?" He turned Chris’ face towards his own.

Chris raised his eyes but not his head, smiling that sweet smile that always made Vin feel like he had a hummingbird trapped in his ribcage. "You deserve a lot more than I can give you, partner."

"Probably," Vin said winking. Chris rolled his eyes.

"That’s one of the things I love about you Vin, your modesty."

"You didn’t let me finish. I might deserve more but I only want the last, only want to be your partner. It’d be so much more than I ever thought life could offer so you wouldn’t get no complaints from me." As he spoke, Vin straddled Chris’ lap and studied his troubled expression.

"Say yes, cowboy." Vin laid his hands against Chris’ cheeks and kissed him once again, this time with more intent. He ran his tongue along Chris’ soft lips, felt the stubble around them, pushed against them with determined insistence. They parted and Vin kissed him soundly, drawing Chris’ tongue into his mouth and sucking on it. The blonde moaned, resting his hands on Vin’s hips. Too quickly the younger man pulled away.

"Ya have to say yes, Chris," he rasped, cheeks already flushed, eyes glazed.

God, Chris thought, staring into those eyes, seeing the tranquility there that had so often soothed him. Seeing the love. His breath caught in his throat. Only a fool could say no. That, or an emotionally scarred somewhat terrified middle-aged ATF agent clearly in over his head.

"You have to breathe, too," Vin reminded him, running his fingers through Chris’ hair.

"Felt like I stopped breathing for a few years. It was like I was dead but my body didn’t know it."

"So what happened? Somebody finally perform CPR?" Vin watched Chris closely, smiling triumphantly when he spied his lover’s defenses crumble.

"Yeah, YOU did." Chris said, seeing it all clearly now. He wrapped his arms around Vin’s waist and pulled him close. "Ok Tanner, yes. God help us but yes."

Vin’s smiled broadened. He kissed Chris deeply, passionately. He rose up on his knees, using them for leverage as he pushed Chris back. As their bodies made contact with hard wood, the old dock creaked in protest. Vin laughed against his partner’s mouth.

"Looks like we might end up in the water after all," Vin said on a chuckle.

"Might not be such a bad idea," Chris responded, "getting mighty hot out here."

"Let’s take this inside, then,’’ Vin said, kissing and biting his lover’s throat.

"Oh yeah, that’ll cool things off."

"Don’t wanna cool things off. Wanna love you. Now and forever"

Forever. That word again. But when Vin said it, it sounded so… possible.

"Yeah, me too, Vin. Me too."

NOW Finis, ca va?

Comments to: giselleadair@lycos.com'