SNIPPET 7 : WALK OUR OWN ROAD

By Thalia

Disclaimer and the rest: See first page

Notes: "Walk Our Own Road" is a duet of Randy Travis and Kris Kristofferson from Randy Travis' duet album "Heroes and Friends".

Pairing: None

Summary: A few bad weeks, a bad end to a mission, long days of rain and here are the guys, at the saloon, where the atmosphere doesn't really help since everybody has the blues. The jukebox plays on and Josiah worries about the fall-out of the mission on the team's moral…

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Josiah sighed and looked at his teammates. This last case had been hard on everybody. And even though the loss of life had not been on their team, still it was an agent on his very first mission. He could still see the strain of helplessness around Nathan's eyes as he had had to watch the young man die. He closed his eyes and sighed softly. Such a waste of life… a life hardly begun… 'Oh, Lord, sometimes I do wonder why…'

His faith had been questioned so many times in his life that sometimes he still wondered if it was worth it, believing and torturing himself with all these unanswered questions.

He could remember with a hurtful clarity how his youth had been. His revolt against his preaching father, his leaving his sister behind… something that he had yet to come to terms with entirely… Still, his taking the same path as his father to become a man of the cloth himself until his life took a weird turn and he ended up with so many different faiths that he could quote from them all… to his friends delight and misery… of all he had done and seen, he knew deep down that the man he was today was so different from the young man he had been and the man he had been afraid to become. His father's shadow and uncompromising stance were no longer over him. He had forgiven him, experience and life bringing him enlightenment. He just had to forgive himself for having left his little sister behind and stop feeling guilty at the result of said action. He sighed. It was not good, contemplating the past and trying to act out all the 'what ifs' he could find. Each day, he was paying his tributes in regrets.

Except today… today was not a day to think about his tributes… today was a day to mourn a young life, a life forsaken in its prime, like the light of a candle blown by a sudden gust of wind. That had been how he had felt, kneeling on the floor next to Nathan as the medic shook his head to Team 5's leader, telling him they were too late. He could still see the despair in the man's eyes, could see the guilt. He just knew the man would spend many days wondering what could have been done to avoid the situation… he was a good leader, just like Chris. Both men of responsibilities, both taking them with the utmost seriousness… maybe too much sometimes. They were after all only men, thus given to frailty and mistakes.

Looking at Chris, he could feel his heart lighten. He had been aware of the growing relationship between him and Vin even before them. And he had waited for them to realize. He had seen the love grow and had waited to see the light of happiness brighten their eyes… until finally, one morning, he had seen it. And his heart sung for them. Even though he had been raised in the catholic belief, he had gathered his own faith system that could be resumed just so: Love is Love, wherever you find it, and Life is too short to let it slip away.

In the same way, his heart had ached from the very first time he had met Ezra Standish. Only his experience as an anthropologist turned profiler had helped him see through the many masks of the man, the many layers under which the precious and fragile diamond of a sweet soul was hidden. His heart had bled at the absence of trust the man had in his fellow human beings. He had cried silent tears at the lost child hidden behind the cool green gaze. And every time he had been able to, he had done his best to nurture that child, figuring that working with the child would pave the way to better the man he was. And so, to his great surprise, Ezra had taken in his heart the place of the son he had never had. And a proud father he was today. He had seen him watching Vin and Chris and had seen the wistful look in his eyes. And so, he had missed Buck's longing gaze… until Ezra looked at the Ladies' man. And everything had clicked into place one more time.

Ezra had learned trust with all of them, he had learned friendship mostly with JD and Vin, wasn't even aware of the father-son bond they shared but certain of the unconditional love and acceptance that were between them… and now, if he would just give himself the chance, he could really know the most beautiful of all feelings: Love… with Buck… if only he would entrust himself and his heart to another being… if only Buck would dare take that step and talk to him… if only…

Josiah sighed… there had been so many 'ifs' in his life, maybe it was time to not rely anymore on them and to take action. Just as he had been about to talk to Buck, he had stood up, followed by JD. And from their faces, he had just known that the same subject had been on their minds and lips… he smiled. JD could be just so surprising sometimes. He could be so insightful, and that, just because he loved them so much. It was sometimes like he could read through them with a startling easiness… he had been the one always keeping the faith when doubts had started to bubble in their minds… yes, to his shameful memory, he could still recall the kid's impassioned plea and trust in the man. And once more, it had been fairly deserved. You had to give it to the kid, sometimes, he was just frightfully clairvoyant about people… just because he couldn't even think they could do wrong. To him, there always was a good reason for things to be as they were, good reasons for men to behave the way they were doing. And though his faith could have cost lives, it had mostly saved them all…

Buck and JD had come back and Buck and Ez had left, muttering a phony excuse under the worried gaze of Nathan. It was still a wonder for the ex-medic that Ezra had been unharmed. The shot had been almost point blank and the only thing the undercover man had was a bluish bruise on the ribs… and his breath cut half by the shot and fall and half by Buck's weight while he was trying to protect him. How Buck had not been shot or had not taken a stray bullet was still a mystery… but one he was thanking the Lord for. Such miracles were so rare in their line of work… proof of it was the rookie… and once again, he bowed his head in sorrow at the loss of such a young life. He could still remember the look in Nathan's eyes… a look he had feared to see one day about one of their brothers… but the Lord, if he had not spared them the heartache of being wounded, had spared them the loss time and again. And for that, he was grateful.

Just then, his gaze was turning to Nathan coming out of the backroom with a strange expression on his face. He smiled. Finally, Brother Nathan was opening his eyes. Would he also open his heart? He watched him argue with himself and after a few seconds, their eyes met. The troubled deep brown eyes were reeling with the knowledge. Instinctively, he looked to Vin and Chris and the expression on his face was almost comical. He truly was shaken to the core. Yes, life wasn't so easy or simple. It came in many shapes and colors. It was high time brother Nathan remembered that. And then, he saw him sigh, finally coming to term with his decision, and turning kind eyes on him, his smile told him all he needed to know.

Turning slightly his head to the side, he saw Ezra and Buck coming out of the backroom, eyes shining with an inner light that was bringing tears to his eyes. He waited for them all to be seated back at the table and then, taking his glass, he spoke:

"Brothers," his deep voice rumbled softly, "a toast…" He waited for them to acknowledge him and to take up their drinks, eyes full of questions. "To Life, brothers. Past, present, future… to what was and won't be anymore… to what could have been and what is… and to what will be…" He said softly, thinking about the lessons learned dearly that day.

He had looked each and everyone of them in the eye as he had said his toast, letting them know he was aware of the changes that had happened to them that day… letting them know he was happy for them and there to talk to if need be.

In the background, another song came on… but none of them cared any longer. All was well in their world. They were finally and happily home.

The End