Disclaimer: Standard one applies. Not mine etc
Sequel to Truth in the Balance
Vin Tanner rolled over on the narrow hotel bed, pulling the thin pillow up around his head to cover his ears. It didn't do any good. In his mind he could still hear JD's terrible weeping which had gradually given way to a sort of breathless hiccuping sound that was somehow worse.
Dammit. He couldn't just lay here all night and listen to JD break his heart over something that should never have happened. Vin sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He scrubbed tiredly at his face with one hand as he pondered his next move. Should he try and talk to the kid? Or should he leave the kid to his grief and go bunk down somewhere else for the night?
Awwwww hell. He had to try and talk to the kid. He couldn't bring JD back to town dragging along behind him like a broken toy. Buck and Chris would kill him. They'd want to know what happened. And Vin was none too eager to have his private business fodder for town gossip. 'sides, there weren't no way he could own up to his part in matters without making trouble for JD, too.
Vin got slowly to his feet, his body feeling stiff and heavy. Probably all that guilt he was carryin' around. He deserved every bit of it, too. What the hell had he been thinkin'? Hadn't been thinkin' at all. Or maybe he'd been thinkin' too much. Thinkin' that he and JD might slake each other's thirst for a night. Thinkin' that JD was a purty young man. Thinkin' it might be nice to teach him the ropes, so to speak.
Well, Vin had taught him all right. Taught him fear and shame and that you couldn't trust a man you called friend.
Vin took a few steps towards the door that separated their two rooms and then stopped. Maybe talkin' was a mistake. What if he made everything worse? He didn't even know what he was gonna say to the kid. Maybe it was just best to let it lie. Let them both pretend tonight had never happened.
Oh yeah. That would be great for you, Tanner. Just forget all about it. No harm done. But what about JD? Get your sorry ass in there and see if you can mend a few of the fences ya broke in your friend.
Vin sighed heavily and trudged over to the door. He paused, frowning. Should he knock? Or just go in? He thought about it for a few moments and then shrugged. Raising a hand he gave a brief rap on the door with his knuckles and then turned the handle.
"JD?" he called softly. The room was dark and full of shadows, but as Vin's eyes became accustomed to it, he could make out the still figure of JD huddled on the bed.
"JD?" Vin said again, as he moved hesitantly towards the bed.
"What do you want, Vin?" JD's voice was muffled, his face turned away from Vin.
"I just want to say..."
"You're sorry? I know you are. Don't have to keep saying it." JD kept his face turned away. Only his hands moved, tightening convulsively around the blankets.
"No. That ain't what I want to say. I mean it is... but..." Vin fell silent. He stared at JD for a long moment before running frustrated fingers through his hair, wishing his tongue could find the magic words as easily as his fingers seemed to be finding the most godawful tangles.
"I reckon I ain't sure exactly what it is I want to say." Vin finally admitted after the silence threatened to swallow them both.
"At least you know who you are even if you don't know what you want to say." JD finally lifted his head, turning so that he lay on his side facing Vin. His fingers still clutched the blankets like a drowning man might clutch a rope.
"Well, sometimes after a night of drinkin' with Chris and the others, I ain't sure of that at all." The tracker could have kicked himself when he saw the bleak look on JD's face after he mentioned the other men.
"I ain't who I thought I was. Ain't *what* I thought I was." JD said softly, his face a mask of pure misery.
"Awww kid. JD. Who ya kiss ain't who ya are. Hell, if that was the case we'd all be in a pretty pickle."
"If it ain't who you are, then how come folks are always judging you by it? I've heard them talking in town. So and so's daughter is stepping out with that no good cowboy. Shameless hussy. Or saying how they always knew Tom Anderson was a strange one and would come to a bad end cause he preferred the company of men instead of women like God intended." JD's voice was as bitter as day old coffee brewed by a blind man and steeped in vinegar.
"Most folks are better at mindin' the business of others than they are at mindin' their own. Can't let 'em get to ya, JD."
"I don't see you kissing no men where people can see."
"Don't see a need to *give* 'em something to talk about if I can help it."
"I've heard folks talk about me and Casey."
"I reckon."
"Miss Nettie thinks... Casey doesn't know... Jesus, Vin. What would they say if they knew?"
"I don't know, JD."
"What would my Ma say?"
Vin was quiet. What could he say to that? His gaze locked with JD's for a small piece of eternity. Then it was his turn to leave the room and close the door quietly behind him.+ + + + + + +
"Something's wrong with the kid." Buck Wilmington shook his head as he frowned, watching JD's slump shouldered retreat from the saloon after only a few minutes in the company of the other men.
"There's definitely more than an ounce of truth to your words, my friend. Maybe he's suffering from some malady of the flesh?" Josiah turned slightly to glance at Nathan Jackson, their resident healer.
"Could be." Nathan replied slowly. Then he shook his head in a quick gesture. "I don't think so, though. I think it's less physical and more spiritual. He ain't been acting sick. He just ain't been acting like himself."
"Couldn't have said it better myself, Nathan." Buck agreed, slapping the table with his palm for emphasis. "Kid's been acting like a ghost or something. Hardly says a word anymore. And he ain't hardly ever around except when he's on duty."
"Our Mr. Dunne has apparently been spending an inordinate amount of time in Eagle Bend's local house of ill repute, which would account for his frequent absences. Since Eagle Bend's current establishment at its best does not even begin to equal Wick's former establishment at its worst..." Ezra shrugged, the light of the saloon's lamps catching on the gold buttons adorning his coat.
"Why the hell didn't ya say something about this sooner?" Buck demanded, glaring at the gambler. "You know that ain't like the kid."
"I only recently found myself in possession of this knowledge, Mr. Wilmington. Courtesy of a poker game mere hours ago with several boisterous cowhands from that upstanding town." Ezra shrugged again. "And then there is the fact that I rather doubt JD would thank me for telling tales like he was an errant schoolboy."
"Like that would stop you if you thought there was a profit to be made." Buck retorted angrily.
Ezra nodded, his lips quirking in a lazy smile. "As you say." Only the slight stiffening of his shoulders gave any indication as to his true feelings.
"JD's been acting strange ever since he came back from Gladewater a couple of weeks back." Chris Larabee glanced up from his whiskey, his gaze searching out the tracker sitting across from him. "You were there with him, Vin. Anything happen we need to know about?"
Vin forced himself to take a long, slow swallow of whiskey before answering. Something *had* happened to JD in Gladewater. Whether it was something they needed to know was altogether different. Finally he just shrugged, not quite meeting Chris's eyes. "Can't remember anything happenin' that ya'll need to know about." It wasn't a lie. It wasn't the truth either.
Chris narrowed his eyes and stared thoughtfully at Vin before nodding slightly. Chris had decided to accept his answer. For now at least.
"Well, I aim to find out what's buggin' the kid before he gets himself into a heap of trouble." Buck got to his feet and marched purposefully out the saloon's batwing doors.
"There's nothing so dangerous as a man on a mission." Josiah said solemnly as he watched Buck leave. The others all nodded in agreement except for Vin. The tracker just sat there and stared silently in the direction of the saloon doors, his gaze troubled.+ + + + + + +
"Hey kid. Where ya headed?" Buck's determinedly cheerful voice called out to JD as he was saddling his horse in the livery.
"Out for a ride." JD muttered, tightening the cinch a bit more.
"Ain't it kind of late?"
"No."
"Want some company?"
"No."
"That's fine by me, JD. Just as soon as you tell me what in the blue blazes is wrong, you can do all the moonlight riding you want all by your lonesome."
"Ain't nothing wrong."
"Hand me that there saddle, would ya son?"
"Can't you just leave it be, Buck?"
"See? You gotta tell me what's wrong, JD. It's startin' to affect your mind if you can think something like that about me."
In spite of everything, JD couldn't help but smile at that. Leaving things, and people, be was not Buck's strong suit. Almost he wished he *could* tell Buck what was wrong. Tell him how confused everything was since that night with Vin. Tell him how he sometimes sat in his room, staring at his gun and wondering if death and an eternity in Hell could be any worse than life.
Yeah right. And tell him how you constantly wonder what might have happened if Vin hadn't stopped that night? Tell him how much you sometimes wish Vin *hadn't* stopped? What would Buck say then? How would he look at you?
JD shook his head, his all too brief smile disappearing.
Buck sighed. "We bound for Eagle Bend, then?"
"Why would you think that?" JD demanded, his body tensing.
"There was some cowboys from the Eagle Bend area in the saloon earlier."
JD looked away. "They mentioned seeing me there." It was not a question.
"Yep."
The young man didn't reply.
"JD? Son? Wantin' a woman ain't anything to be ashamed over. They were made to be loved."
A flush of color crept up JD's face.
"You ain't errr... experiencing any difficulties?"
JD shook his head mutely. The need to confess was almost overpowering.
"Does this have anything to do with Casey and you?"
JD hesitated before finally shaking his head.
"Son, we can either sit here and do this all night or you can just tell me what's wrong." It was the tone rather than the words that did it. That faintly exasperated tone laced throughout with unmistakable friendship and caring.
"A.... a man. He... He..." The words stuck in his throat.
"God almightly, JD." Buck's face paled as he stared at JD in horror. "He didn't..." Buck stopped abruptly.
"No." JD shook his head. His face twisted as he struggled to keep from saying Vin's name. To keep from telling Buck that Vin would *never* do that.
Buck sagged in relief. "A man what, then? Tried to kiss you? Propositioned you? Is that what's got you all worked up and tryin' to prove yourself?" Buck laughed heartily and JD felt a momentary flash of hope. Did Buck really think it was no big deal if...
His fragile hopes were dashed seconds later as Buck clapped a friendly hand on his back. "Nothin' wrong with that, son. Unless you took him up on it." Still laughing Buck didn't notice the look on JD's face.
"No. I didn't take him up on it." JD's lips twisted as he remembered the feel of Vin's mouth sliding over his skin. He knew it wasn't right and yet some part of him still had wanted it. What kind of man was he? "Them funny cowboys don't know what they're missin'. A life without women ain't worth living."
"I expect you're right." JD said softly. He stepped back, drawing away from his companion. He hadn't felt this alone since his mama had died. A small part of him thought that maybe it was a good thing she was dead. That she wasn't here to see what her son had become. The fact that he was even thinking such a thing only proved his point.
"We still going to Eagle Bend?"
"No. Think I'll just turn in."
"Well, you just give me a holler if you need me to set anything straight for ya." Buck's smile was filled with a mixture of amusement and affection.
JD stood there in the livery for a long time after Buck had left. Then he carefully unsaddled his horse and gave the animal a last caress before walking slowly back to his room at the boarding house.+ + + + + + +
"Well, I see the busybody has returned. Victorious I presume, judging by that rather toothy grin you are currently exhibiting." Ezra Standish drawled, looking up from his cards as Buck approached the table. "Hell, it was nothin'. You know how worked up a young feller can get when he feels like his manhood's been questioned." Buck shook his head as he slid into the seat opposite the gambler.
"JD say somethin' to you?" Vin strove to act casual.
"A bit. I kinda read between the lines some, gave him a few words of the old Wilmington wisdom and that was all it took. Problem solved."
"What did he say?" A note of impatience crept into the tracker's voice. Hearing it, he was glad Chris and Josiah had both called it a night. They would have heard it, too. And wondered.
"Said some cowboy tried to make time with him. Think it shook the kid some. Made him feel like he had something to prove."
"Hence the many trips to Eagle Bend." Ezra murmured. Nathan merely nodded.
"Hence." Buck agreed.
"What did ya tell him?" This time it didn't take a Chris or a Josiah to hear the intensity in the tracker's tone.
"Told him it was nothin' to be ashamed about. Unless, of course he took the cowboy up on his offer." Buck's teasing look was replaced by confusion as Vin cursed and jumped to his feet.
"Dammit, Buck. If you was just jokin' then you picked a piss poor time to do it. And if you wasn't jokin'..." Vin spun on his heel and marched angrily out of the saloon, leaving the others to wonder what the hell was going on.+ + + + + + +
Vin didn't bother knocking this time. He just yanked open the door to JD's room and walked in. He stopped cold when he saw JD sitting on the edge of the bed, one hand holding his gun steady at his temple, the other hand clenched tightly in his lap.
JD glanced up and Vin exploded across the room like a whirlwind. He grabbed the young man's wrist with one hand and gave it a vicious twist while he used the other hand to backhand JD as hard as he could. The gun went flying across the room as JD fell back. Neither man looked to see where it landed.
"Dam fool! What the hell did ya think you were doin'?" Vin was white with rage. And fear. He stood looming over JD like some avenging angel.
"I don't know. But it ain't any of your business, anyway." JD scrambled back til he was pressed against the wall. He stared defiantly at Vin, unconsciously rubbing his wrist where Vin had grabbed him.
"So whose business is it? Mrs. Smythe's when she finds ya in the morning with your brains splattered all over her nice clean sheets?"
JD blanched, his eyes showing a hint of fear before regaining their defiant look. "Might be better than some other things she could find." A dark bruise was already forming where Vin had hit him. Instead of making him feel guilty, seeing that only heightened Vin's anger.
"Things like finding a man in your bed instead of a woman?" The tracker deliberately ran his gaze down JD's body as he spoke.
JD blushed a fiery red as Vin's eyes traveled down the length of him. He drew on the well of anger in his gut.
"Things exactly like that." JD agreed, sneering. "Things any real man would rather die than have decent folk find out."
"Well it seems a damn shame to die for a crime you ain't committed yet, JD. But that's an easy enough problem to solve." This time Vin wasn't drunk, so he was even faster. He had JD pinned to the bed like a bug before the young man could do more than blink.
"Vin..." JD stared up at the tracker. Vin was straddling his hips, holding JD in place with the weight of his body, but he had left JD's hands free. Free to do whatever they wanted. The fire in the tracker's eyes was no longer entirely from anger. A fact which both terrified and thrilled JD.
Vin shifted his weight and JD could feel the heat and hardness of Vin's cock sliding over his own. Could feel his own cock swelling and growing hot in response.
"Your call, JD. But if a man's willin' to die for something, then he ought to know what it is."
JD closed his eyes tightly and nodded his head in a barely perceptible motion. He jumped when he felt rough fingers brush lightly across his cheek. He tensed, waiting for Vin to kiss him or something. But the tracker continued to just trail his fingers lightly down JD's face and across his lips. After a few minutes, JD began moving restlessly beneath him. What Vin was doing felt good, but he wanted... more. He opened his eyes and frowned up at his companion.
"Ain't you going to even kiss me?" JD complained.
"You sure you want me to do that?" Vin's face was serious as he stared down at JD.
JD hesitated. This was his last chance to turn back. He could tell Vin no. He could... could what? Blow his brains out for Mrs. Smythe to find like Vin had said? Could continue living like he had been for the past weeks? Always wondering? Never knowing? It was too late for all of that. He needed to do this, no matter how it turned out in the end.
"Yeah. I...w..want you to do that." He flushed as he stumbled a bit over the words.
Vin didn't reply and for a moment JD thought that maybe Vin wasn't going to do it after all. But then the tracker leaned down and covered JD's lips with his own. The tracker tasted slightly of mint and his lips were softer than JD remembered.
JD could feel his heart beating against his chest like a wild thing as Vin continued to kiss him. The tracker slid warm lips across his jaw and JD arched his neck as the lips trailed a path downwards til they reached the hollow of neck and shoulder.
"Why are you stopping?" JD gasped, looking up at Vin in dismay when the tracker stopped what he was doing.
"These are gettin' in the way some. Thought maybe we could take a few of them off." Vin indicated their clothing with a mischievous grin.
"Oh. Yeah." JD smiled a bit sheepishly. Rather shyly he began unbuttoning his vest, but Vin reached out a hand to stop him.
"Let me." He said softly.
JD let him do it. JD let him do a great many other things as well. And JD was too lost in the wonder of it all to feel any strangeness or guilt except for a brief moment when Vin's cock first slid inside him. But then Vin's hand had begun to stroke him and he'd forgotten all about the anxious sort of spasm that had seized him.
JD could never really remember afterwards whether he'd gasped Vin's name as he came. Nor could he remember whether Vin had cried out anything either. He did remember the way Vin's hands had tightened on his hips though, pulling him close. And he remembered the slick feeling of the other man's skin and the warmth of his breath. And he clearly remembered the way he'd shuddered and writhed desperately beneath Vin, even if he'd kind of rather he didn't remember that part quite so clearly. Finally, he remembered how Vin had eased himself out of JD wordlessly before rolling over to lay silently on the bed beside him. He turned his head to look at the tracker, wondering what it was that he was remembering. Vin turned his own head to meet JD's eyes.
"JD. Are you..."
Sorry? Not sorry? Happy? Not happy? More confused? Less confused? Still ready to kill yourself? JD could hear the unspoken questions crowding behind Vin's words.
"I don't know, Vin. But I'm going to try and stick around a while longer and see if maybe I can find out." JD hesitated. "I don't know if we should do this again though..."
"No. I don't reckon we should." Vin agreed quietly. JD couldn't tell if the tracker was relieved or disappointed about it. It was probably best he didn't know since he wasn't sure which one would make him feel better.
JD watched as Vin slid out of bed and pulled his clothes on. First the pants, then the shirt, then the jacket and finally the boots and hat. With each item of clothing, the previous hours became more and more unreal and when the tracker was standing before him, fully dressed, it was almost impossible to believe that he had actually felt Vin's bare skin against him. That he actually knew what Vin's lips tasted like. He watched as the tracker walked to the door, wondering if he should say something more. He was still wondering when Vin paused, turning to look at him.
"If you die now, will you know what it is you're dyin' for?"
Slowly JD nodded his head yes. No matter how impossible the memories might seem by the light of day, he knew. He would always know. The tracker closed the door quietly behind him, leaving JD alone with his new knowledge.
The End
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