“You don’t have to not eat, just because I’m not eating.” Vin said. He had his cup of tea in his hand, heavily laced with milk. Across from him, Chris drank his own cup of tea. “Mary said you’d be raiding the fridge around midnight.”“My mother always told me it’s not polite to eat in front of people who aren’t eating.” Chris said.
“No she didn’t. She said it’s not polite to eat in front of people without offering them something.”
“How do you know that?” Chris asked. Vin was right.
“Because – that’s what my mother used to say too…” Vin finished his tea, and poured himself some more, adding even more milk. “So anyway, you offered. I declined. Eat.”
“It’s not so much eating as wanting to finish the ham before Mary adds broccoli to it. Broccoli is a terrible thing to do to ham.”
“Gee whiz, first pizza without pepperoni, now ham without broccoli. It’s a wonder you eat anything at all.” Vin said. He rested his head in one hand. He sounded tired. “I bet you don’t even eat peanut butter and jelly on the same piece of bread.”
“Is your headache getting worse?”
“Naah.” Vin shook his head and turned a little to look up at Chris. “Just tired. I didn’t do much of anything at all today but I’m worn out.” With his other hand, he twirled his tea cup. “You should just go on and eat Chris. Won’t do to have both of us ailing.”
Chris was hungry, but he didn’t want to eat if Vin didn’t. But he sure didn’t want to have to pick through broccoli to get to the ham tomorrow night at dinner. Vin should eat, he was pale and bound to get paler if he didn’t eat.
Usually, Vin ate more than seemed reasonable for a fella his size. He ate more than Ezra, he even ate more than JD. It wasn’t unusual for him to eat nearly as much as Buck, and Buck had to outweigh him by forty pounds at least. If it took that much food to keep Vin as thin as he was, it would only be a few days before he vanished away into nothing if he didn’t eat anything at all.
An idea occurred to Chris, so suddenly it startled him.
“C’mon, let’s go for a ride.” He stood up.
“What?” Clearly, Vin was startled too.
“Let’s go to the store, there’s a twenty-four hour Tops Market down on the Boulevard. We’ll get you some Breakfast Drink or Ensure –.”
“Ensure?” Vin interrupted, riled. “Mrs. Stempniak drinks that and she’s nine hundred years old.”
“ – or that chocolate diet whatever that Mary drinks.” But Chris could see Vin wasn’t agreeing to his plan. “Come on, it feels like it’s cooled off outside. It’ll be a nice night for a drive…”
“A drive? You want to go for a drive at midnight? You’re not even wearing shoes.”
“Vin – you need to eat. You won’t eat solid food and you can’t live on ice cream. I’ll go with you or without you, but if we don’t get something now, you won’t have anything to eat for breakfast. And I’m not taking you to work high on sugar.”
But Vin didn’t answer him, he sat so long looking so unhappy , staring at his hands, that Chris wondered if he’d said something or done something that might’ve hurt Vin’s feelings. After a minute, he took his seat again at the kitchen table.
“What?” He saw Vin swallow and begin to shake his head.
“Do you know what this feels like?” Vin asked, and Chris found himself hoping he wasn’t referring to the physical. Nothing to do but just jump in.
“No. What does it feel like?”
“I wish I was dead.”
“Don’t say that.” Chris felt a stab of fear go right up through his chest. “Don’t even think that.”
“Why not? It’s true. I can’t help feeling how I feel.”
“Yeah but don’t – don’t –.” Chris was nearly going to tell Vin ‘don’t feel that way’ but he knew how hard it could be to not feel something. “It’s just – everything’s going to be fine Vin. You just have to keep reminding yourself of that. Everything is going to be fine.”
Vin looked at him a while, until finally he nodded. “Okay.”
+ + + + + + +
Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine. The words ran through Vin’s mind like a litany.
‘What if I eat something and it makes things worse?’
Everything is fine.
‘I was mean to Nettie and she’ll probably never talk to me again.’
Everything is fine.
‘Chris is going to get sick of taking care of me and I won’t be able to stay here anymore.’
Everything is fine.
Vin lay on the top bunk in the guest room, staring at the ceiling. He’d gone back to bed after finished their tea, and Chris gave up his late night trip to the grocery store. Now, it had to be at least a few hours later, he was still awake, not even trying to get his mind to slow down. He’d been thinking about it ever since then. Suddenly it was all so clear. Nothing was okay, but everything is fine.
That was it, that was the answer to everything. It was so simple, Vin didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of it before. No matter what life threw at him from now on, from now on everything is fine.
+ + + + + + +
Waking up the next morning was easy – Vin hadn’t gone to sleep at all. When he heard Mary downstairs in the kitchen, he climbed down from the bunk bed to start this new day. Pain shot up through his spine and he had to grip the bed frame to keep himself steady. Through clenched teeth, he repeated “Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.” until the worst of the pain had past and he could hobble down to the bathroom.
“Everything is fine, everything is fine, everything is fine.” He stopped and looked at himself in the mirror. Did that mean he should take a shower, or he shouldn’t take one? Did ‘fine’ mean it was fine to be clean, or fine to be dirty?
Vin stared at himself in the long mirror, standing there in the wrinkled clothes he’d slept in. He needed a shave, his hair needed to be brushed. He’d been wearing Chris’ shirt non-stop since Sunday.
Was ‘fine’ dirty, or was ‘fine’ clean?
After another minute or so, Vin decided he was ‘fine’ the way he looked, since taking a shower wasn’t going to help anyway. He used the toilet briefly, and washed his hands, and pulled a disposable razor out of the bag of them in the closet to give himself a fast shave. Finally he ran his hands through his hair to make it behave then headed downstairs to face breakfast.
“Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.”
+ + + + + + +
“I’m not eating that if you put broccoli in it.” Chris warned Mary, as he watched her making omelets.
“Broccoli is good for you.”
“I’m allergic to it.”
“You are not.”
“I am.” Chris insisted. “Eating broccoli gives me the creeps.”
Mary rolled her eyes and sighed and kept on cooking. “I can put cheese in with the ham, can’t I? You will eat that?”
“I don’t know.” Chris eyed her suspiciously. “What kind of cheese?” Just when it seemed Mary was going to swat Chris with her spatula, Vin came into the kitchen. He stopped in the doorway and seemed undecided if he should stand or he should sit. Chris looked at closely; he was still wearing the same clothes from last night, he hadn’t taken a shower, but he had shaved.
“Good morning Vin.” Mary said, brightly.
“Mary. Chris.”
“Hey Vin.” Chris walked closer to the table and pulled out a chair. “You better sit down, this could take a while. I’m explaining to Mary the fine art of not putting broccoli in my food.”
Vin took the seat, and a smile actually made it all the way from his mouth to the corners of his eyes. “Don’t expect help from me.” He said. But he still sounded tired to Chris. “I like broccoli.”
“See?” Mary told Chris. Then she back to Vin. “How did you sleep last night?” Chris watched Vin blink a few times and then swallow.
“Fine.” Vin said.
SIXTY-NINE
Chris didn’t like it.Something was going on that he couldn’t quite figure out, and that alone was enough to bother him. But, more than that, it was something going on with Vin, and Chris really didn’t like that.
First, Mary asked Vin what he’d like for breakfast. Chris was expecting – and he knew Mary was expecting – Vin to prefer a milkshake, or Carnation Instant Breakfast, or anything not solid. But he said that whatever Mary was making would be fine.
Then Chris watched as Vin ate the ham and cheese omelet that Mary set in front of him. He ate it mechanically, with as blank an expression on his face as Chris had ever seen. Vin looked as though he wasn’t even at the table, except physically.
When Mary asked how the food was, Vin smiled a smile that Chris knew wasn’t genuine, and he said “Fine.”
For the rest of the morning, everything had been ‘fine’. The food was fine, the orange juice was fine, his back was fine, his head was fine. He’d slept fine, and woke up fine. The drive to the University had been fine, his desk was fine, his chair was fine, the air conditioning was fine…
Not that Chris felt right about complaining. Usually ‘fine’ was the preferred answer. There was the time he accidentally distracted Vin when he was helping him build the deck out back and Vin walloped his thumb instead of the spike with the hammer. He’d all but spit ‘no, I’m fine’ at Chris while he glared at him and squeezed his thumb in his good hand.
Or that morning two winters ago, Vin had dragged himself out of a sick bed to attend the funeral of Gloria Potter’s husband. That raw wintry day, he’d been ‘fine’ though he was pale and unsteady and shivered violently, more from the fever of his bronchitis than from the wind.
Or that other time, the first time they got Vin to play baseball at the University picnic. He ran for a fly ball just as JD did, and they collided heavily. That time, coming up with the baseball in his glove, Vin grinned his ‘fine’ despite a bloody nose and split lip.
Today Chris found Vin’s ‘fine’ disturbing. There was so much evidence to suggest that Vin wasn’t fine, yet he said it as automatically as he said ‘bless you’ whenever someone sneezed, and with probably a lot less thought.
So, the morning had passed quietly in Chris’ office. Vin spent most of his time reading, answering, and sending emails. Getting more Maintenance and Groundskeeping work scheduled. They didn’t talk much, mostly because if Chris heard one more “fine” out of him, he was going to give Vin a legitimate reason not to be fine.
“Vin?”
“Yeah?” Vin looked around his computer screen.
“It’s coming on to lunchtime. Any thoughts?” No way was Chris going to suggest something and give Vin the chance to say that word. Even so, Vin just shrugged.
“Whatever. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“Liver and onions?” Chris tried. Vin shook his head and went back to his keyboard. His sounded defeated.
“I don’t care.”
Chris was beginning to think maybe ‘fine’ was the better answer. He came around to sit on the edge of his desk. “How’re you doing Vin?”
“I’m fine.” It was as automatic as intermittent windshield wipers.
“Yeah, you sound it.”
“Well what choice do I have?” Vin demanded. “I can’t feel how I’m really feeling. You said everything is fine. So – everything is fine.”
“I said everything will be fine, Vin. I didn’t say everything had to be fine right now.”
“Well I sure wish you’d make up your mind. I can’t feel bad, I can’t feel fine.” At first he sounded angry, but as he took a breath to continue, his voice took on a desperate edge. “I can’t feel nothing because I tried that and it didn’t work. What else is there?” He asked as if he genuinely wanted to know.
“Angry. Why don’t you feel angry? I bet you were mighty angry when they tried to molest Maria.”
“Yeah.”
“So why aren’t you angry for what they did to you?” Chris asked. He was angry at what they’d done to Vin; he wanted Vin to be angry too.
“I been on my own a long time now.” Vin said. His words came out measured. “Since my Dad died. I spent a couple years with an aunt, my Mom’s brother’s ex-wife. But even with her, all it pretty much was was a place to sleep. She didn’t – she wasn’t exactly an ‘involved’ caretaker. I been taking care of myself half my life now. This is the first time I couldn’t take care of myself.”
“You call three criminals breaking into your house and attacking you ‘not taking care of yourself’?”
“If I’d been stronger, they wouldn’t have been able to - attack - me.”
“Vin – there isn’t a man on earth strong enough to overcome three attackers, when you had no weapon and they had the surprise.”
“A man – a real man – doesn’t let himself get raped.” Vin said. He said it as thought he was explaining something obvious to Chris.
“You didn’t let them do anything.”
“You think it would’ve happened to you?”
For a moment, Chris got stuck in what he was going to say. He never thought how he’d be reacting in the same situation because he just assumed he would never be in the same situation. It wasn’t a deliberate slam at Vin or his strength or his masculinity or his manhood. Chris just automatically and almost unconsciously believed that in the same set of circumstances, he would have prevailed. He never thought of Vin as a weak man, physically or otherwise, and he knew Nathan was wrong for placing the blame of the attack on Vin’s size and strength.
But also knew that, unwillingly, he thought so too.
Vin took his silence for the answer it was.
“Yeah, I figured as much.” He said bitterly. He snapped off his computer screen and headed for the office door. “I’m going for a walk. Have lunch without me.”
“Vin –.”
“What?”
Chris still hesitated on the words. “That’s not what I think.”
“Yeah, it sounds like it.” Then he left the office and slammed the door behind himself.
+ + + + + + +
After Vin left Chris’ office, he went outside, but other than that, he had no idea where he was going or what he was going to do. How could Chris think that? How could he say that? How could he – how could he do anything or say anything or think anything different than what he’d been doing and saying and thinking since this whole stinking mess began? For a long, bizarre moment, Vin couldn’t even believe the Chris he just left was the same Chris who had been so concerned and supportive and understanding this whole past week.
He’d go home, that’s all, Vin decided. He could walk. It’d be a long walk, but he could do it. There wasn’t anywhere in North America he couldn’t walk to if he had to. He’d been taking care of himself since he was fifteen. Maybe he hadn’t always done the best job at it, not even including the attack, but he’d survived. He’d survived alone then and if he had to, he could survive alone now. There was nobody so all-fired important in his life that Vin couldn’t do without them.
It’d be easier anyway, he told himself as he hurried across the Green. He could go somewhere new, somewhere nobody knew him and nobody knew what had happened. If he could get somewhere like that, it’d be almost like nothing had happened, which would make it almost worth losing all the friends he used to have now.
Almost.
He’d lose this most recent Chris in a heartbeat. But he didn’t want to lose the Chris he’d known for the past three years, and especially not the one who’d stuck right by his side this past week. There was nothing worth losing that Chris.
Vin walked to the far end of the Green, away from the buildings, where there were park benches scattered under ancient maple trees. Nobody was around, so he took a seat on the closest bench and closed his eyes. He still wished he was dead, but he also wished that he didn’t wish he was dead.
That was progress, wasn’t it?
+ + + + + + +
“Chris – you can’t beat yourself up about it.” Buck said over the phone.
“I might as well have told him he invited them to hurt him, for the look he gave me when he walked out of here.” Angry at himself for letting Vin down, and not being able to find his way through it, Chris had called Buck to vent. “That’s not what I meant and that’s not what I think. Not really. I don’t think so. I wouldn’t think that about Vin. I wouldn’t think that about any of our friends if it happened to them. He just – he caught me off guard. If I’d known he was going to ask that, I would’ve – not lied. It’s wouldn’t be a lie. I just – I would’ve had it all worked out before so that when he asked me – if I’d known he was going to ask me -.”
“Chris – give it up before you strangle yourself on your own anxiety. I know that’s not what you think, I know it’s just a conditioning we all have. Hell, it doesn’t even have to be rape. Any man who lets himself get beat at cars, women, or sports, the whole society thinks less of him. It’s just conditioning.” On the other end of the phone, Chris heard Buck sigh. He could almost feel him pondering it.
“Vin got hurt because he stepped in and saved little Maria.” Buck went on. “He couldn’t have not stepped in, and you and me both would think less of him if he hadn’t. He could see there was three of them, and he could see they were bigger than him. And we both know that even if there’d been twelve of them, he still would’ve defended her. That doesn’t sound like a coward to me.”
“No, it doesn’t.” Chris agreed.
“You gonna be OK Chris? You need me to come over there? I know how hard this is on you too.”
“No Buck. Thanks.” Chris held off saying he was ‘fine’, but he smiled when he thought about it. “I’m going to go find Vin and see if I can’t explain it better, I guess. He’s got to know I didn’t mean it.”
“He’ll understand Chris, don’t worry. But if you do need me, you call me. Okay?”
“Okay Buck. I will.”
They hung up, and Chris considered what he was going to do now.
+ + + + + + +
With his eyes still closed, Vin smelled it before he saw it. He looked up as Chris sat down on the park bench next to him. He was carrying a take-out bag from the sub shop in the Student Union, and he handed Vin what turned out to be a chicken finger sub, wrapped in butcher paper. Vin took that, and he took the can of Pepsi Chris handed him next. He gave Chris a questioning look.
“Vin...” Chris began, as he stared down at his own wrapped sub and can of soda pop. “They didn’t -.” It seemed he had to take a deep breath to get the word out. “ - rape you because you aren’t a man. They did it because they aren’t real men. And if I think you’re less of a man because of what happened to you, then I’m not a real man either.”
It was the most startling thing Vin could remember Chris saying, and he couldn’t think of any way to respond. He held his sub in one hand and his Pepsi in the other and struggled to come up with something to say in answer to that. Chris didn’t seem to be waiting for any answer though. He set the pop can aside and began to unwrap his sub.
When nothing at all came to mind, Vin gave up the struggle and unwrapped his own sub and began to eat as well.
SEVENTY
Orrin Travis didn’t like it.Something was going on that he couldn’t quite figure out, and that alone was enough to bother him. But, more than that, it was something going on with Chris Larabee and Vin Tanner, and he really didn’t like that.
Vin had never called in sick two days in the same week. As far as Orrin knew, he’d never called in sick two full days in the same year. But this was Thursday, and he’d missed two full days of work this week already. And Chris – he’d been acting differently as well. He’d taken Monday off, but he periodically called in sick. On his time sheet, he usually marked it “MHD” – Mental Health Day, and Orrin never questioned it.
This past week though, even on the phone, Chris seemed distracted. Coupled with the fact that Mary told Orrin last night that Vin was staying with them, he wondered if Vin was hurt worse than anybody was letting on.
So, Orrin was taking himself a little walk over to Chris’ office to find out exactly what the hell was going on.
Orrin had known Chris for better than ten years, since he started dating Mary. Chris could be an obdurate, short-tempered, blunt man, but there wasn’t much Orrin wouldn’t take at his word alone. A person didn’t have to be with Chris more than five minutes to know that he was always dead serious, and never took anything lightly.
Vin Tanner was another man Orrin relied on and trusted. He met Vin when he’d been named to the Board of Trustees of St. Michael’s University, and Vin was still in the lower levels of Groundskeeping. Four years later, after Chris accepted the position as head of Security, it was something of a surprise to Orrin when Chris and Vin became friends. There was the difference in their ages and their outlook, Orrin thought. Vin was in his early twenties, Chris in his late thirties when they met. Chris was as fixed as the North Star, Vin seemed willing to adjust to any circumstance.
But there was also Stephen.
It’d only been in the last year or so that Orrin could even think of his son without his heart feeling like it would freeze and crack right in his chest. He’d never been able to talk about Stephen with Chris – he didn’t know if he could, and he didn’t think Chris could either. Chris had become so thin and closed emotionally after Stephen died, Orrin was surprised but grateful when he began including Vin in family activities, the same way he included Buck. It made Orrin believe Chris was recovering from Stephen’s death.
The thing was – Vin seemed just as grateful and surprised to be included. And he seemed to come to life just as much as Chris did.
The first four years Orrin had been on campus, he didn’t interact much with Vin. The few dozen times they’d had an opportunity to talk were always brief, and usually work-related. Vin was always pleasant if somewhat reserved. Once he and Chris had become friends, Orrin saw Vin more often, either at work or at Chris’ home. Orrin found that he enjoyed having conversations with him; despite his frequent lapses of grammar, it was easy to tell that Vin Tanner was a highly intelligent young man who could be doing much better for himself than mowing lawns and plowing driveways for a living, and Orrin had developed a warm regard for him.
The last six months or so though, Vin had really opened up, and Orrin credited that without hesitation to Nettie Wells. She was the mother it seemed Vin Tanner had never had. It was impossible to make the slightest mention of Nettie to Vin without hearing all about the thoughtful, generous, gracious lady who had become a part of his life. To hear Vin talk – from the tone of his voice almost more than the words he used – you would think no woman had ever cooked as well, knew as much, or cared as deeply as Nettie Wells did.
The door to Chris’ office was closed over, and Orrin looked around. Chris was behind his desk, with his mind apparently not on his work with his head in one hand, while the other hand traced lazy doodles on the legal pad in front of him. He looked up.
“Chris?” A further peek around the door gave Orrin the view of Vin – asleep behind a newly-installed computer at a newly-installed desk. “Can I see you outside a moment?”
“Yeah.” Chris came around the desk and out into the hall. He shut the door completely behind them.
“Is Mr. Tanner all right?”
“A combination of painkillers and lunch, probably.” Chris shrugged. “The pain meds always make him sleepy. I think maybe Nathan gave him too big a dose.”
“My concern isn’t merely confined to his present state.”
If he startled Chris with his question, Orrin would never know. Chris had a better poker face than even Ezra Standish. Ezra’s eyes occasionally gave some hint of his feelings – Chris’ eyes never gave away anything. But – Orrin had known him long enough to sense a change in Chris. Something was going on.
+ + + + + + +
Vin woke up, not caring for the pain in his back, or the feeling in his stomach. Eating twice today after not eating all yesterday might not have been such a good idea. He tensed his muscles and relaxed them instead of stretching, and carefully stood up from the chair. Chris wasn’t at his desk, and Vin could hear voices out in the hallway. If he’d stopped to listen, he could probably tell who it was, Chris and somebody. But he had things he needed to accomplish so he just kept going out of the office.
+ + + + + + +
Orrin was about to press the issue when the door to Chris office opened and Vin appeared. He looked like a man who had just awakened from a very heavy sleep, his eyes were puffy, and he blinked as though they were dry. He looked back and forth between the two men before it seemed he recognized them.
“Hey Judge.” He sounded surprised. “You slumming?” Speaking sounded like it was an effort for him.
“I had some business to discuss with Chris. How are you today?”
“I’m -.” A sudden yawn interrupted his sentence and he covered his mouth. “ – fine. I’m going to use the bathroom at the end of the hall.”
“Why don’t you use mine?” Chris asked him. Vin shook his head.
“I prefer home court advantage.” He said, and shuffled off down the hallway, hunched and fragile looking.
“Mary said he’s been staying with you.” Orrin continued, when Vin was out of earshot.
“He’s got a fractured spine Orrin.”
“Should he be working at all?”
“He’s helping me with the James’ mess.” Chris said, too quickly. “He was getting maintenance work scheduled all morning. No, he shouldn’t be at work, but he’s doing me the favor coming in.”
“He’s doing you the favor.” Orrin said, flatly.
Chris folded his arms across his chest. “Yes. He is.”
Chris didn’t scare Orrin – he’d lived too long and seen too much to quake in front of this pup. But Chris did seem to be hiding something, and that concerned him. Still, he hadn’t gotten as far as he had in this life by being a micro-manager. If he would take Chris word on anything else, he had to take it on this.
“Just tell me one thing Chris. Is there anything – professional or personal – that I should be concerned about with Vin?”
“He’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of it.”
+ + + + + + +
Lord it hurt – it hurt like hell. Even now, several minutes after using the toilet, the pain was just as bad as when it’d been first inflicted. Vin stood against the wall next to the door that led into the hallway, waiting for the pain to go away. It was the only spot in the bathroom where he could stand and not see himself in a mirror. He didn’t want to see himself.
He wanted to go back to Chris’ office, but the pain was unbearable and he couldn’t move. When was this all going to be over? When wasn’t it going to hurt to sit or to stand or to cough or to sneeze? When wouldn’t he have to be afraid to eat? He didn’t want to not eat, but it seemed like the only way to keep from being in pain. How long was it going to take for that – that - that - to heal? He didn’t want to have to go to a doctor for that.
“Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.” He repeated it desperately. “God please make everything fine.”
His body wanted to sink to the floor, but he was afraid of setting off the pain again that seemed finally to be subsiding. He pressed himself hard against the wall to keep upright and squeezed his eyes shut against the tears of pain.
It was too much – this was all to much for him to carry. He’d done a good thing and this was the result of it – living the rest of this life with pain and fear and blame. He took a deep breath and choked out:
“Damn Maria anyway for getting me into this.”
SEVENTY-ONE
Ten minutes.Chris wondered if Vin was okay, taking so long in the bathroom.
Eleven minutes.
Maybe he should go check, in case something was wrong.
Twelve minutes.
‘Of course something’s wrong. The question is how wrong and what should I be doing about it?’
Thirteen minutes.
Which would be worse, checking on Vin if things were just– taking awhile. Or not checking on him if he needed help.
Fourteen minutes.
Okay, what kind of ‘help’ might Vin need in a bathroom, and could Chris give him that help?
Fifteen minutes
Which was stupider, worrying about offering help to a friend who might not need it, or actually having a discussion with yourself about it?
Sixteen minutes.
Chris was out the door and down the hall.
+ + + + + + +
He pushed the swinging door open cautiously. “Vin? You okay?”
“I’m fine” Vin answered, from off to his right. Chris took a couple of steps to get past the ell and have a look down the line of sinks and mirrors. There, just a few feet away, Vin stood hunched over a sink. The water was on and he was using handfuls of it to rinse his face.
“I got kinda worried, thought maybe you got lost.”
“It hurt too much to move. I had to wait for it to stop hurting.”
“Wait for what to stop hurting?” Chris asked, and immediately regretted it.
“What the hell do you think was hurting?” Vin snapped. He straightened up and pulled his sleeve over his face to wipe off the water. Then he turned to reach for a paper towel, but he froze suddenly, squeezed his eyes shut and sucked in a sharp breath of pain. His hands were balled into fists.
“Vin?” Chris went to him.
“That’s what I get for yelling at you, I guess.” Vin managed to say.
“And being yelled at is what I deserve for asking a stupid question.” Chris reached out, but didn’t have any idea where it would be safe to touch Vin. “What can I do? Should I get Nathan?”
“Not even if I was on fire.” He hadn’t opened his eyes.
“Okay. Scratch that. No Nathan. Just – hold onto me.” Chris moved in close enough to put an arm around Vin. The other hand he put under Vin’s elbow – he wanted to take Vin’s weight as much as he could. He hoped that would help. “Just hold on.”
At first, Vin didn’t move an inch. His breath came in short gasps of pain. Chris would’ve done anything to make it stop, to make it better, to make it never have happened. As Vin gave in a little to the support, Chris found himself wondering what he’d be doing if this had happened to one of their other friends instead.
If it’d been JD – and Chris just followed his own unwanted prejudice that size and strength did matter and chose JD first – if it’d been JD, Buck would be the one standing here, giving physical support. Chris would offer concerned, compassionate, sincere remarks aimed at making JD feel okay about himself.
If it’d been Ezra – no point in thinking about that probably. If it happened to Ezra they’d all be long gone and dead in their graves before anybody knew. It had taken Ezra seven months just to allude to the fact that he’d surprised a burglar prowling around his bushes last Christmas. But if it happened and they did find out about it, Chris knew he wouldn’t know what to say. But he could picture himself being there in the silence. Ezra always put more stock in actions than words anyway.
“Chris?” Vin’s voice broke into his thoughts. “Think we might try getting back to the office? I really need to sit down.”
“Sure. Can you walk by yourself? I’ll get the door.”
If it was Buck – well Chris didn’t like to think about that possibility but he was already into the ‘what-ifs’. Chris wouldn’t leave Buck’s side either, no matter how much he knew Buck would try to make him think he was okay. Maybe at first he would be okay, and maybe it wouldn’t rattle him the way it was rattling Vin, but Chris would be there just the same.
Nathan was another one Chris figured would be close-mouthed about it, except to brush off any well-intentioned sympathy or support. Nathan would deal with it no doubt by redoubling his efforts to help other people, so maybe Chris would be looking for something to need Nathan’s help with.
“You want to rest a second?” Chris asked. Vin nodded. They were about three quarters of the way to the office. Vin had been gradually slowing down.
“I hate to do it, but I think I need to take a muscle relaxant if I ever expect to take a deep breath again.”
“Let’s close up shop then Vin and head home. Sleeping at your desk can’t be doing your spine any good at all.”
“Okay.” Vin started walking again and reached back to pat the hand that had been steadying him. “Thanks Chris.”
Following Vin the last couple of yards down the hallway, Chris thought of Josiah. It bothered Chris to even think of something like this happening to Josiah. Maybe because he older, maybe because he was a priest. Maybe because he was a priest and had a deep faith and belief in God, Chris automatically thought Josiah would handle it better than any of them. But, he also figured Josiah was a man same as any of them, and who knew how he’d react?
Last of all, that left – him. Chris. What would he be doing now if he’d been the one attacked? He’d be able to survive if he could summon enough anger to obliterate the fear and shame, and he was pretty good at summoning anger. So, he’d survive. That’s all. He’d survive.
He’d make sure Vin survived too.
+ + + + + + +
Vin opened the door to Chris’ office and took a view of his temporary desk. How many other people would Chris have brought into his territory? Sure Chris said it was to make it easier for the two of them to discuss getting work done in James’ absence, but they’d gone all morning this morning with hardly saying a word between them. Vin had spent most of his time reviewing and scheduling email requests for Maintenance, and double-checking the pre-semester Groundskeeping procedures. After lunch, he couldn’t remember doing much but sleeping.
He wondered if he’d actually gotten anything accomplished today. He trusted the crews enough to get the work done that he didn’t think he had to go around and inspect it. Maybe that was presumptuous anyway, since Chris was in charge of Environmental Services now. He could check if he wanted to.
Walking around, Vin sat at his desk to make a final check of emails and pending decisions before he shut everything down and let Chris take him home. Maybe tomorrow he’d feel like he’d done more than play email-tag and argued with Chris. His brain was still so fogged on the painkillers, he couldn’t even get the argument to come into clear focus.
They had argued, but it was okay because Chris had apologized. That thought almost brought a genuine, audible laugh out of Vin. Not that Chris hadn’t apologized in his own way – it’s just that Chris’ way never had the word ‘sorry’ in it. But it was okay because it was okay. Hell, it was better than okay, it was fine.
Well, maybe it’d been a little of Vin’s own fault too. A little. A very little. He’d never stopped to think how all this might be wearing on Chris. Oh, he’d thought often enough about how having to take care of Vin might be wearing Chris down, but it hadn’t occurred to him how much Chris might be distressed because Vin had been hurt. That surprised him. And it surprised him that it surprised him.
Why else would Chris be going to all this time and trouble and care?
‘Because you’re friends, you idiot.’ Vin chided himself. ‘How many other people would he put up with through all this? Don’t push it, don’t poke at it. Just accept it.’
Busy at his own desk, Chris eventually pushed all the necessary buttons and asked, “You about ready to go?”
“Yeah…Chris?”
“What?”
That was it exactly - what? What did he want to tell Chris, or ask him, or mention, or say? What was there sitting so heavy in his chest that seemed like it would fly if he could ever get it out in the air? Of all the times in his life when Vin would’ve expected to be the most alone, this was the one time he felt the most strongly not alone. It was Buck, and Josiah and Mary – but most of all it was his friend sitting at the desk just opposite him, waiting for Vin to finish his thought.
“Tomorrow, lunch is on me.”
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