Disclaimer: Don't own them. No money being made.
Thanks to Judy for inspiring the idea, even though I've always wanted to tackle this issue from the moment I saw the episode. This has been a great outlet! Also, I put in a line I think should have been included in the actual episode. Right after Chris tells Vin 'How well do we really know anyone?'
Self-righteous, untrustworthy...damn him!"How well do we really know anyone?" he says it as if there's not an ounce of trust he can offer anyone. I gaze at him, wondering what the hell he's trying to tell me! To hell with him! "Shit, Larabee, if that's the way you feel, why don't you just take me to Tascosa and be done with it!" I seethe back. "You'll be five hundred dollars richer fer the trouble!"
I start walking off, when the scream reaches us. I turn to Chris who's gazing at me with such a pained expression. My words have struck home. But it ain't the time to deal with it. Another attack in the town, and the scream is coming from Mary. We both put aside our differences and head toward the sound.
My mind is racin'. I can't see anythin' but the here and now. Josiah is under suspicion of that woman's murder and I'm tryin' so hard to help clear his name. I know what it feels like to be labeled guilty fer murder even when you're innocent. I don't want to see Josiah hang, damn it! And Chris with his high and mighty attitude has got the gall to stand there and tell me he can't believe Josiah 'maybe' innocent. No trust. No faith! But it ain't just his lack of faith in Josiah that's got me all twisted up inside. How am I supposed to swallow his lack of faith in me????
Mary is telling us she was attacked down the street. She got away, and Buck is coming over. I hand her over to him and follow Chris down to the alley opening. That Pinkerton investigator is following us. Then we spot the knife...Josiah's knife. I pick it up...and Chris is lookin' at me as if sayin', 'Now do you understand?'
No, damn it all to hell! I don't understand anythin'!
+ + + + + + +
That's how I felt a few days ago. Before we found out who the real killer was. Before Josiah heard the Pinkerton's confession. But I still can't get Chris' words outta my head. Like bees his words keep swarming around up there, stinging me to my soul.
Ain't never felt so damn betrayed. I confided in him and he didn't do anything to take me prisoner. He didn't do anything to try and kill me, to collect that bounty on my head. He trusted me. Or so I thought. Then when Eli-Jo hired that phony Marshall to take me back to Tascosa, Chris fought hard to save my life, to keep me from bein' hanged by the man who framed me. He stood by my side, kept his faith in me.
He saved my life when Eli-Jo had escaped and had me trapped on a rooftop, ready to stab me with his knife. Chris shot him so I wouldn't get killed. Why the hell did he do all that...if he doesn't really know anyone? If he don't want to trust anyone? How can he act like I'm tellin' the truth when he was thinkin' Josiah was lyin'???
The more I think on it the angrier I get. I'm brushin' Peso down so hard I feel my horse pull away from the angry strokes. I turn and throw the brush with a yell...and almost hit Larabee. He ducks and turns to see where the brush made a mark in the livery wall. He turns back to me his eyes wide. "Ya' tryin' to kill me, Tanner?"
I just glare at him. Saying nothing I turn back to Peso and rest my hands on my horse's back. It's been like this since Josiah got cleared. Now that I ain't gotta worry 'bout him, all I've had to think about is what Chris told me that night. Neither of us have had much chance to talk since. Not that I've allowed it, I reckon. Still tryin' to figure it all out in my own mind.
Larabee approaches, his steps calm. "Been acting awful uptight the last few days," he says, calm as ya' please as he leans against the livery wall behind me. "You gonna twist yourself in knots or ya' gonna let go what's botherin' you?"
"Y'all is what's botherin' me!" I seethe out, but I keep my voice low. This is our fight. Ain't nobody else's business to hear what I know I'm gonna have t' say t' him. "Thinkin' 'bout ridin' out of here, Larabee. I'm packed up, ready to head out."
I hear nothin' behind me, not fer awhile at least. Then: "Want some company?"
I snicker. That's a joke! I turn on him with eyes I know must look like piercin' daggers. "From you?" I snarl, then shake my head as I reach for Peso's saddle blanket. I'm so angry I'm shakin', can't let him see me shakin'. Showed him too much of who I am all ready. I draw the line at showin' anymore. I start saddlin' my horse.
"Talk to me, Vin. Don't ride out like this. You got a problem with me, tell me."
That's it, then. That voice o' his, soft, calm, tryin' to keep it under control. Shit. That Larabee control, must've taken less than three days to perfect it and three weeks to practice it enough to become second nature.
I shake my head. "Can't do that, Larabee."
"Why not?"
I turn on him. "Reckon I don't know y'all that well."
The sarcasm is drippin' from me like venom from a snake fang.
His eyes shut. His head lowers. "Is that what this is all about?" he asks.
"I reckon that's what everything is about, Larabee!" I shoot back. "Ain't got no reason t' stay if'n the one person I thought I could trust can't trust me!"
He starts towards me and I can't stop myself. I turn and slug him, sending him to the ground. He shakes his head, dazed. "Didn't see that comin' did ya'?" I snarl again. I'm gettin' damn good at snarlin'. Give the old Larabee glare some competition. Oh, yeah! Feels damn good!
He lurches to his feet and before I know it he's got me by the jacket and pushin' me against the wall. "You asshole!" he yells, seething, his eyes wide in that look that tells me he's gonna lose it any second. "Hit me, damn you!" I yell. "It'd feel a hell of a lot better than what I'm feelin' now!" I struggle to maintain my control. I struggle to not reveal too much, but I see it in his eyes. Desperation, pleadin', torture. And I'm wonderin' who's really hurtin' who?
His grip eases and he lets go. He gazes at me, confused, unbelievin'. "You think...because I couldn't trust Josiah, that I doubted his innocence, that I would doubt yours, Vin?" He's got that pained look on his face again. The one I saw the night those words he spoke hit me like a knife. "Is that what you really think?"
I stand there, my breath comin' into me like I've been runnin' fer miles. I'm still shakin' with the anger, with the heat of the moment. "Y'all tell me, Larabee!" I grumble. "You're the one who said 'how well do we really know anyone'? Don't y'all remember that?"
He lunges for me again and once more I'm pushed against the wall. Damn, but he's strong when he's angry! Well I can be, too! I butt his head and he lets me go. I slug him again and he falls again. I pounce on him in fury, yelling my hurt, my anger...everything I don't even know the words to, yet. He rolls me over onto the ground. People are stopping by the livery, tryin' to figure out what's happenin'. "Buck!" Chris yells as he pushes me under him. Buck's there, gazing down at us. "Chris, what the hell?"
"Close the damn livery doors! This ain't for anyone to witness!"
Buck closes the doors and I tear into Chris again. I slug and punch and wrestle him like he's someone tryin' to claim that bounty. I have to get away with my life, to not let him overpower me. He just lets me punch and hit. He don't strike back. He defends the blows, but he don't offer any attack in return. I jump from him and try to rein in my control. "Fight me, damn you! Take me to jail, why don't ya'? Send me to the hangman! Get it the hell over with, you fuckin' bastard!" I can't help it, but the tears are flowin' now. He lays there, his face bloodied, his lip split and bruises all ready forming on his jaw. He crawls to his feet and shakes his head. "No, Vin. I can't hit ya'. Lord knows I want to, I'd like nothin' better than to not let you get the best of me, but I won't."
"Why not?" I yell as I start pacin', tryin' to shake off the energy I built up durin' the fightin'. "It's what I want, damn it! I want you to hurt me! I want you to ram your fist into my gut!"
"So you won't feel the pain in your heart? Is that it?"
I stop pacin' and throw an angry look once more his way. He's starin' at me, his walls lowered, his defenses down. I could tear into him again, but the fight's gone outta me. I go to a tack box and in a final furious move of anger I push it sideways, sending it crashing to the floor. "Damn it, Chris! Why?" I yell. "Why'd ya' have to say that t' me? Why'd ya' have to go and throw my trust back into my face like that?"
"Vin," he almost chuckles as he says it, but there's a sadness to the soft laughter. "You don't understand. It wasn't you I was talkin' about. I used the wrong words, hell I make mistakes when I talk. I know that. No one says things the way they mean it sometimes. I didn't mean you, Pard. I wasn't talking about you at all."
I keep my back to him. My shakin' hasn't stopped, the hurt hasn't left and the anger, the fury, everything I've just released is pourin' out of me in another way. He cautiously takes a step closer and tries to put a hand on my shoulder, but I shrug it off and walk away from him. I ain't ready for his apology. He's got a hell of a lot more to say to me than just 'I'm sorry.'
"Vin, listen to me...all right? Just listen to me...and after you hear what I have to tell ya'...then you can go on your way if you decide to. I won't stand in your way and I won't come after you. I swear that to you on Sarah and Adams' graves."
I tense. My breath catches. He...would swear in such a way? Make an oath on the memory of his dead wife and child? My God, Larabee, whatever ya' have to say...it better damn well be worthy of the oath ya' just made! I slowly turn to him, hastily wipin' the tears from my face. Angry tears, but anger stemmed from hurt.
He sits down on the bench where the tack box once sat and he lets out a moan. "Damn, I think you bruised me up good, there, Pard."
"If you're lookin' fer an apology, it ain't gonna happen. So state your piece."
He nods. "I can accept that, Vin. Believe it or not I'm glad you tore into me like ya' did. It was hurtin' too bad to see you keep this all bottled up inside o' ya'."
"Get to the point, Larabee! Spare me any beatin' around the bush!"
He nods again. Once more acceptin' the terms I've set down. "I didn't trust Josiah because he acted like a guilty man, Vin. You've never acted guilty. Not once. Josiah didn't defend himself once. He didn't care what happened to him! He didn't deny the accusations. He didn't once even try! Vin, ever since I've met ya'..." He stops, swallowin' hard like he's chokin' back something awful. "I've trusted ya' with my life, cowboy." He lowers his head, and though he tries so hard to keep me from seein' it, I can tell he's shakin', too.
He pushes his head back against the wall and I see the tears streamin' down his face. "Awww, God, Vin! It ain't what ya' think! I do trust you with all you've told me. I do believe you're innocent. I trust you more than I trust my self! Hell, Tanner, that's sayin' a lot comin' from me."
I just stare at him. "Then...why'd ya'..."
"I spoke out of turn that night, Vin! I wasn't sure what to believe, because Josiah wasn't helpin' himself! You're the only one who saw past his pain, tried to find the source of it and found out the answers! You're the one, Vin. Just like you did with Chanu. You believed. You had faith, cowboy! And...I need to tell ya'. I need that in my life." He looks at me and the pain is runnin' deep from his eyes...pourin' into my soul. "Don't leave, Vin. If you wanna hurt me back, trust me...walkin' away from me will just about do the trick."
What the hell am I hearin'? What the hell is he sayin'? I stare at him long and hard and I see his eyes lock with mine. "Chris...help me out, here. I don't know what it is you're..."
He's standin' in an instant and in a blink of an eye he's got his arms around me and I feel his lips press onto mine. "I'm tryin' t' tell ya', ya' fool cowboy, that I need ya'. I figure you're all ready in a decking mood, so I ain't got nothin' to lose here, just some more feelin' in my jaws."
I stand there, frozen, unable to move and his lips find mine once more. Suddenly I realize what he's tryin' to tell me. I pull away and push him aside. "Chris, I can't...not now...I need some time."
He sighs, his shoulders slump. He turns and walks over to where he picks up his hat. He dusts it off. "Just know one thing, Vin. If you leave here, you take my heart with you."
And with that he walks out of the livery, leaving me to try and figure out once more the emotions he's churned up inside of me. Damn! He loves me? Is that what that man is tryin' to tell me? I sit on the tack box bench and I feel my body goin' numb...all except my lips. Where he kissed me. There's a fire there. I'm numb, unable to think, but that fire is actin' like a beacon. I hear his horse ridin' off down the street, out of town in the direction of his cabin. I can tell it's his horse. Heard the sound of that gait countless times to know it by heart. I stare at Peso for a long moment. "Wanna go fer a ride, ya' damn mule?"
Peso snorts, but it ain't exactly a negative response. I gotta go clear my head. I gotta think about this. I ain't sure what's happened, I just know...I ain't exactly wantin' to push it away.
+ + + + + + +
He's on his porch, sittin' on one of those wooden chairs he made. He's smokin' a cheroot and whittlin' away at a piece of wood. He looks up as I ride onto his property. He don't move, though he knows I'm ridin' in. Shit, it can't be easy fer him, neither. Took a lot of guts fer him to own up to his feelin's like that.
All the way out here, I rode at a walk. Givin' me time to think. I ride up to the porch and dismount. I tie Peso up to the hitching post. "Larabee."
He looks up at me. "Tanner. Didn't think you'd show up."
I say nothin'. Not sure exactly what it is I'm wantin' to say. I just know it's got to get settled before the sun goes down. Can't sleep with all this in my head. He's messed up bad. I can see the bruises now. His lip is all swollen. "Grab a seat," he says and gestures with his head to the chair beside him.
"Y'all gonna kick it out from under me?" I ask, tryin' to make light.
It works. He smiles. "Just gonna have to trust me, I reckon."
I take him at his word and sit down, removin' my hat. He ain't wearin' his. "Been thinkin'," I start.
He nods. "And?"
"Ya' damn near gave me a heart attack, cowboy."
He smiles. "Reckon a man plantin' a kiss on ya' would do that to another man. Especially if it wasn't expected."
I nod in agreement and silence comes between us fer a minute. "I ain't sure what's goin' on inside me, Chris."
"I know."
"You laid some pretty heavy stuff on me and I ain't just talkin' 'bout the kiss."
"I know that, too."
"Never trusted anyone in my life...not as much as I do you," I tell him. "That much I do know."
He folds the knife and puts it in his shirt pocket. He takes a tug on his cheroot and pulls it out of his mouth, letting out the smoke. "I ain't expectin' an answer, Vin. Not right away. I couldn't just let ya' go without tellin' ya' what was inside of me."
I reach out and rest my hand on his wrist. We lock eyes. "I reckon...I'm willing to hear more, cowboy."
He stares at me, studying me. "Don't want you scared of this, Vin."
I shake my head. "Ain't scared. Just know...I need to tell ya' somethin'."
"Tell me."
"I don't know if what I feel inside of me is love...never really had that. But the thought of leavin' ya'...even though I was gonna ride out...the thought of leavin' ya'...killed somethin' inside o' me. Somethin' I didn't think was there."
He stands and takes my hand into his own, pullin' me up to my feet. "I figured out what was inside of me, Vin, by askin' myself one simple question."
"What was that?"
"Could I live without ya'. The answer I kept comin up with was 'no'."
I look at him and I see the sincerity. "Y'all risked a lot, ya' know?"
He nods. "It was worth it to me. You're the best thing that's happened to me since Sarah and Adam were killed, Vin. I just...need...for ya' to know that."
I step closer to him, wrapping my arms around him, laying my head on his shoulder. I feel his arms wrap around me and we don't say anythin' more, not fer a long while. We just hold each other. It feels good, bein' in his arms. His hold is gentle. Strong, but lose, givin' me permission to walk away, to pull away. I don't want to. "Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"I reckon this could change ev'rythin' fer us."
He chuckles and I can't help but smile. "Reckon it could, Tanner."
"Y'all willin' to take the heat?"
"I can if you can."
"Then...if'n ya' ain't hurt too bad...I'd like to try that kissin' thing again."
I feel his hands move upwards to my face and he pushes my head away just enough to lower his lips to mine. I can taste the salt and blood of the split I gave him and I ease away from the wound, not wantin' to hurt him anymore. I open my mouth and our tongues connect. He doesn't stop, in spite of the split lip. He keeps at it and I let him. And, oh, it feels so good. "I hurt ya'," I said.
"You would have killed me had you left, Vin."
"Can't have that," I reply. "I think...I think I just found ya'. If'n ya' still want me...I'd like to stay."
"Four Corners? Or here?"
"Wherever you are."
He smiles as he kisses me again. "You're all ready home, then, Vin. I've had you with me from the moment I met ya'."
I put my hands to his hair. "I'm sorry, I doubted ya', cowboy."
He shakes his head. "No, Vin. I didn't give you any reason to think otherwise. That was my fault. I'm just glad we got it settled before the mistake couldn't be reversed."
We look into each other's eyes and I see in Chris a joy I hadn't seen before. A peace I've never known could exist inside o' him before. We just stand there, our arms around each other and suddenly...I know he's right. I have found my home...and Chris has found his. And trust is a true foundation to build upon.
"One question," I ask.
"Hmmm?"
"What if I had said 'no'?"
He frowns. Then the frown turns into a look of understandin' and he runs his fingers over my face, brushin' my hair away from my eyes. "I meant what I said, Vin. I would have let you go. I would have died inside, but I would have let you go."
I think about this and after a few moments I let out a breath. "Well, I reckon you're gonna be livin' fer awhile longer yet, cowboy."
He grins and leans in to kiss me one more time. "Good answer, Tanner."
~Fin~
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