Vin Tanner stood in the corner of the room and watched life pass him by. It wasn't anything new. He'd spent many an hour leaning against walls and watching Buck twirl some pretty gal around the room. Or watching JD and Casey argue and hold hands. Or argue while they were holding hands. Or watching Ez play his games. Or watching Chris... Well, just watching Chris.It seemed to come so easy to everyone else. This business of... connecting. Hell. Even Ez could do it when he wanted and he was a classic example of someone suffering from fear of intimacy. According to his last girlfriend, anyway. Vin thought she was probably right. But still. At least Ez could get that far. Could get close enough to earn the title of significant other. Vin couldn't even manage that much.
He didn't know why he couldn't manage it. It was as if people could get so close and then no closer. Like he had a No Trespassing sign somewhere that everyone could see but him. And since he couldn't see it, he couldn't get rid of it. And so he spent his time watching. Alone.
He couldn't even blame it on his childhood. Life hadn't been a bed of roses, but his Aunt had done her best. Actually it had been his Great Aunt. The only family he'd had after his Ma had died. She'd taken him in and given him a home. She'd never abused him. Never made him feel like a burden. She just hadn't known quite what to do with a young child. But they'd managed. So what was wrong with him? Why did he drift through life like some damn ghost? Why did he always feel like he was out of step with the rest of the world?
Most people, probably all people, thought he was a loner. Vin Tanner went his own way, did his own thing, preferred his own company and that was the way he liked it. That was all true for the most part. But sometimes he didn't want it to be true. Sometimes he wanted... he wanted... to belong. He wanted to be the most important person in someone's life. He wanted to matter to someone the way... well it didn't make no difference what he wanted.
Vin straightened up from where he was leaning against the wall and slipped quietly out into the hall. Maude's latest husband was even richer than than the one before him and their wedding reception was being held in the fanciest hotel on the island. Which meant the beach was just a few feet away. He could go out and get some fresh air. No one would miss him. They were all too busy having fun. Too busy... connecting. That's what you were supposed to do at weddings. That's what normal people did. Which would explain why he was sneaking outside to go sit and stare at the ocean by himself. Yeah.
+ + + + + + +
"Looks like Buck owes me twenty dollars." Vin looked up at the sound of the familiar voice.
"Why's that?" Vin watched as Chris sank easily onto the sand beside him. The blond wore his dress clothes with a nonchalant air that made the sharpshooter slightly envious. Chris never seemed out of place, no matter where he was or what he was doing. He always seemed to belong.
"Buck figured you were off somewhere with that redhead when we couldn't find you, but I told him no."
"Why? You think she was out of my league?" Vin's tone had a bit of an edge. The redhead had been one of Maude's bridesmaids. A real stunner. She probably was out of Vin's league, but Chris's remark struck a little too close to home after his earlier thoughts.
"No. I saw her leave with Josiah." Chris's grin flashed briefly in the dim light from the moon.
"Guess there's some truth to what Josiah's always sayin' then." Vin smiled a bit ruefully.
"That what he don't know about women ain't worth knowing?" This time Chris laughed softly, the sound drifting into the surrounding night.
"That would be it. Yep."
"This reception of Maude's isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'd almost say I was having fun except that it might ruin my image." Chris shook his head, still laughing a bit.
"Yeah. It's nice." Vin's reply was less than enthusiastic.
"JD's probably going to kill himself surfing tomorrow. Good thing Nathan knows first aid." Chris offered next.
"I reckon." Vin didn't know why it was so hard to talk sometimes. Seemed like when he needed to talk the most was when the words came the least. He resisted the urge to feel his forehead for that No Trespassing sign. But he knew it was there.
The two men sat there in silence for a few minutes before Chris got to his feet. "You staying out here?" It was clear what he thought Vin's answer would be. Already he was withdrawing the hand he'd held out and was turning away, back towards the hotel.
Vin knew if he reached out that Chris would wait for him. They would walk back in together and for a few moments he would feel as if he belonged. But only for a few moments. It was easier to just stay out here where he didn't have to pretend. It was easier to be alone when you were alone.
Easier maybe... but look where easier had gotten him. Nowhere.
"Wait, Chris. I'm comin'." Vin reached out.
11:00pm
Ok. He'd reached out. He was walking back to the hotel with Chris. He was going to make a connection. He was going to...Awww hell. He was going to open his fool mouth and tell Chris what he'd been thinkin' about since practically the first minute they'd met. Cause that was really the only connection he wanted. Anything else would just be... static electricity.
Good one, Tanner. Static electricity. He was an idiot. But even this wasn't enough to stop him. He'd taken the first step. He'd reached out. He could feel the blood pounding in his veins, demanding more. In for a penny in for a pound. Might as well be hanged for a sheep as a lamb. Already cooked the goose, might as well...
Oh God. It was official. He was losin' his damn mind. Bad connection here. Bad connection. He should just turn around and walk straight into the ocean. It would be less painful than listening to himself think.
So don't think. Talk. No. Yes. Shit.
"Chris?" He heard himself say.
"Yeah?" Chris asked, glancing at him. He was still walking so Vin reached out a hand to stop him. Again with the reaching thing. It was gettin' to be a bad habit already.
"There's somethin' I gotta... There's something I wanna..."
"Do? Say?" Chris suggested helpfully, amusement lacing his tone. The poor man obviously had no idea. And never would if Vin didn't quit stammerin' and stutterin' like some schoolboy with a crush.
"Yeah." Vin took a deep breath.
"I wanna connect." Damn.
"Well, the redhead's taken, but if you're feeling the itch there's plenty of pretty gals around. I'm sure one of them could be persuaded to take you back to her room." Chris was now openly amused at what he perceived to be Vin's problem.
"Not the redhead. Not a pretty gal." Vin waved his arm impatiently.
"Not a pretty gal? Uh... one with personality? Brains? Help me out here, Vin." Chris was looking at him a bit dubiously now.
"Not a gal at all."
"Not a gal at... oh." Chris fell silent as the meaning of the words sank in.
Oh? Was that all Chris was going to say?
"This is rather... sudden, ain't it?"
"Not really."
"How long have you known? I mean..."
"Since right about the time we met."
"Since right about the time we... oh."
"You gonna keep sayin' that?"
"What?"
"Oh."
"Well I suppose I could insert a couple of Jesus Christ, Vin. Blindside a fella why don't you's."
"Shit. Bad connection. I knew it. Should've gone for the static electricity. Shit." Vin muttered, half forgetting Chris was there. Where the hell was his No Trespassing sign when he needed it?
"Vin, what the hell are you talking about? Did someone spike your drink tonight? I wouldn't put it past some of Maude's friends." Chris was grasping at straws.
"I don't know what the hell I'm talkin' about." Vin sighed and shook his head wearily. "I just ain't any good at this."
"At what?"
"At connecting. At gettin' close. At mattering."
"Someone did spike your drink."
"No. I just got tired of watchin' ya'll. Got tired of watchin' you. Wanted to be a part not apart." Vin knew he wasn't making any sense. The ocean wasn't far. He could still make a run for it. Drown himself before Chris could catch him. Shit.
"You want to matter... to me?"
"Yep. About sums it up." Vin tugged nervously at the bowtie around his neck. It was starting to show definite signs of wear. Chris's was still picture perfect. Looked like James fucking Bond or something. Bastard.
"You do matter to me, Vin." Chris sounded uncharacteristically hesitant.
"I don't mean like that. I want to matter like... like Rain does to Nate or Casey does to JD or..." Vin trailed off, glad the darkness hid the flush of color he could feel in his cheeks.
"You mean you want to be my girlfriend?" Chris's voice was muffled. The son of a bitch was laughing.
"Dammit, Chris. It ain't funny!"
"I know." Chris was still chortling and chuckling though.
"Well, at least you're laughin' too hard to shoot straight." Vin could feel his own lips beginning to quirk upwards, despite himself.
"Shoot you? That would be against the law." Chris was still smiling, but no longer laughing.
"That would stop you?"
"No."
"You uh... you wanna go back inside?" Vin ran a hand through his hair, wincing as his fingers encountered numerous tangles.
"I don't know what I want to do." Chris said quietly, all traces of amusement gone from face and voice.
"I'm sorry, cowboy." Vin looked down at the ground before a brief moment before meeting Chris's eyes.
"You know, I've wondered sometimes what it would feel like." Chris said suddenly, staring at Vin intently.
"What?" Now it was Vin's turn to be confused.
"Your hair. Wondered what your hair would feel like."
"Hate to disappoint ya, Chris, but it feels pretty much the same as yours I expect. Like hair."
"You're laughing at me."
"I reckon."
"Then I won't tell you what else I wondered about."
"Larabee!"
"Come here, Vin." Chris's soft, cool voice had a way of making you obey.
Vin stood just a handspan away from Chris, so close he could feel Chris's breath warm against his cheek.
"It doesn't feel like mine." Chris said thoughtfully, reaching out to rub a strand of Vin's hair gently between his fingers. "Mine's softer." Chris grinned wickedly.
"I hope your hair is the only thing you're referrin' to there, pard." Vin drawled.
"Yeah."
Vin could've kicked himself. Scare Chris off why dontcha, Tanner? Geez.
"We should probably be gettin' back." Vin stepped away from Chris, suddenly feeling very alone.
"Yeah."
The two men started walking back towards the hotel. They had almost reached the entrance when Chris spoke again.
"Vin?"
"Yeah?"
"That connection you were talking about?"
"Yeah?"
"I think I might like one, too. Or at least, I'd be willing to give it a try."
"Ok." Vin reached out and gave Chris's hand a brief squeeze before they walked back through the doors and rejoined the party. Chris wanted a connection. Vin would give him the best damn one in the state of Colorado.
Hawaii July 2000 3:20pm
"You thinking anything illegal, immoral or just plain dirty I hope?" Chris's voice said teasingly in his ear. Warm arms slid around his waist as he was pulled against a smooth, hard chest."Afraid not, cowboy. Just remembering is all."
"Anything illegal, immoral or even vaguely naughty?" Chris ran his tongue lightly over the sharpshooter's ear as he spoke.
"You know you sound more like Bucklin every day." Vin shivered as he felt Chris's teeth scrape across his bare shoulder, the small pain just adding to the pleasure of Chris's touch.
"It could be worse. I could sound like Ezra."
"Oh, I don't know. Those fifty cent words of his..." Vin yelped as long fingers dug into his tender ribs. His ticklish ribs.
"What were you saying?" Chris asked innocently, his fingers merciless.
"I was sayin' how much I like them fif.. fift... " Vin squirmed around, alternately laughing and moaning as Chris's hands continued to tickle while his mouth continued to nibble and kiss and... "Ok. Ok. I was sayin' how much I want ya to.. to.. Oh God, Chris. Please."
"I thought that's what you said." Chris murmured huskily, pushing Vin down onto his back against the sand.
"You're a real SOB, you know that?"
"But you love me, anyway."
"Yeah. I do." This time it was Chris's turn to yelp as a wave crashed over the two of them, throwing the proverbial cold water all over their tender moment. Literally.
"Tide's coming in." Vin grinned up at Chris, who was scowling and pushing wet hair out of his eyes.
"Yeah." Chris began wriggling a bit farther up onto the sand using his elbows as leverage, forcing Vin to wriggle along beneath him.
Finally, when Chris had deemed them far enough removed from the water, so that it only swirled around them rather than breaking over them, Vin caught his breath and ran a hand down his lover's slick back. "You know this water feels kinda good."
"Yeah?"
"And this beach is supposed to be private right?"
"Right." Chris smiled, his green eyes alight with anticipation.
Vin smiled back. The cool water, the hot sun and Chris. What more could a poor sharpshooter ask for? All he had to do was reach out.
Chris met him halfway.
The End
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