ATF Universe
"How does it feel?" Vin repeated the words dumbly. He stared at Chris and then shifted his gaze slightly to take in Rory, who'd moved out of Chris's arms and now stood a handspan away, his eyes full of shame and anguish. The sharpshooter's mind was too busy trying to refute what his eyes had just seen - Chris and Rory. Kissing. - to comprehend the meaning of the words."That's what I said." Chris ground out. The cold, hard knot in his belly was slowly being melted by the heat of anger. Goddamnit, why didn't Vin say something? Do something? Didn't he even care that Chris had been fucking another man for the last two months?
"You... want me... to tell you... how I feel about... you fucking Rory?" Vin knew he should be doing something besides stand there, but he couldn't think of what. He could feel his heart laboring in his chest. It hurt to breathe.
"Do you even have any feelings about it, Vin? Or do you share my body as casually as you seem to share your own?" Chris meant the words to be sneering. They came out anguished instead.
"Chris..." Rory said pleadingly. There was far more going on here than he'd imagined. And if the ache in his chest and the lump in his throat were any indications, all three of them had just bought one way tickets to Heartbreak City. Shit. Love was supposed to be fun and games. This was just pain. And pain really sucked.
Vin... I..." Rory fell silent as Vin slowly turned in his direction.
"You're sorry?" Vin asked softly.
"Yeah." Rory glanced at Chris, who had his gaze fixed on Vin. The older man hadn't responded when Rory said his name. Hadn't even looked at him. That had hurt. More pain. Goddamn them all. What a sorry bunch of bastards they were.
"Go to hell, Selkirk." Vin still spoke softly.
"I'm already on the way there, Tanner." Rory murmured, glancing again at Chris.
"You call this sharing your body? I call it fucking my friend." Vin raked his gaze down Chris's body, taking in the tousled hair and the partially unbuttoned shirt. "Looks like I got here before you got around to finishing things, though."
"This time. But don't worry, there have been lots of others." Chris lashed out, wanting to just hurt and hurt and hurt because all he could feel or see or taste was pain.
"Chris... stop." Rory shook his head, forcing the words out from a throat gone dry.
This time Chris turned his head to look at Rory. He shook his own head, lips pressed firmly together. His green eyes had a bright sheen to them. With anyone else, Rory might have suspected tears.
"It's too late for that. I'm sorry, Rory." Chris's voice was heavy with suppressed emotion.
"God damn you both." Vin swore, his voice shaky. He had to get out of here. Had to get away. Turning, he began walking blindly towards the front of the house.
"Oh no. You're not fucking walking away from this, Vin. You started it." Chris strode quickly forward and grabbed the sharpshooter roughly by the arm.
"I started it? You got things a bit backwards there, don't ya, cowboy?" The emphasis Vin placed on "cowboy" caused Chris to flinch slightly.
"Don't call me that, goddammit."
"Get your hands off of me."
"I don't have anything backwards, Vin. Why didn't you tell me you still wanted to fuck other people. We might've been able to work something out. I cheat one week, you cheat the next. Something like that."
"What the hell are you talking about?" Vin jerked his arm out of the other man's grasp.
"I'm talking about you fucking Rory the first chance you got while I was out of town. Not very fair of you to expect to have all the fun now, is it?"
"How did you..." Vin glanced involuntarily at Rory, who shook his head slowly back and forth. He hadn't told Chris.
"Does it matter how I know? It's still true, isn't it?"
"You spied on me? God damn you. You had no right." Vin said angrily.
"When you're sleeping in my bed and lying in my arms and whispering that you love me into my ear, that gives me every right."
"Like hell, it does!"
"Then maybe the fact that you'd fucked around on me before gave me the right."
"I thought we settled that."
"Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting."
"No. I reckon it ain't." Vin stared blindly at the floor, waiting til the stinging in his eyes went away.
"I wish it were." Chris spoke the words so softly that they went unheard by anyone but him.
"Why?" Vin looked at his lover, needing to know why Chris had done it. Why he'd fucked Rory. Did he love Rory?
"I wanted you to know what it felt like." Chris said tiredly.
"You bastard." Vin whispered.
"Then I was some sort of little revenge fuck?" Rory asked bitterly.
"Yes." Chris said quietly, his voice tinged with regret. "But..."
"Yeah. Things could've been different maybe if Vin hadn't fucked me first. Or maybe things could've been different if you'd met me first. Whatever. It doesn't matter, does it?" Rory gave a short laugh.
"You bastard." Vin swore again. His blue eyes were hot with fury and wet with tears. "You planned this? Jesus Christ, Chris. Why the fuck didn't you just shoot me?"
"I wanted you to suffer the same way I had. Do you have any idea what it felt like to know that you had fallen right back into his bed the minute I wasn't around? I had pictures, Vin." Chris's voice cracked.
"Did you know I came over here tonight because I thought maybe you were sick and didn't want to tell me. Really sick. Like my Ma before she died. No one told me she was sick til she was in the hospital, dyin'." Vin's voice shook. "I kept picturin' that happening to you. I wasn't thinkin' real clear, I reckon." He fell silent.
"Goddammit, Vin. Why? Why did you do it? How could you care about me and do that?" Chris's voice was ragged, his breathing harsh.
"We've already been down that road, Chris."
"Answer me."
"No."
"Please." The word was torn from Chris's throat.
Vin looked thoughtful for a moment, as he gazed silently at Chris. "How does it feel?", he finally asked.
"What?"
"To know that I'm sufferin' just like you wanted. Like you planned."
"It feels... like. I don't know."
"Yeah. That' s what I thought." Vin turned away and started walking towards the door again.
"Tanner, wait." It was Rory. "You gonna ask me how it feels to lose one of the best friends I ever had?"
Vin paused and turned slightly. "No, Ror'. I already know how that feels." He turned back around and took a deep breath.
"Vin?" This time it was Chris.
"Chris," Vin spoke without turning around. "Whatever it is, don't say it. Just... don't."
Vin resumed walking and this time both men let him go.
+ + + + + + +
Rory and Chris watched silently as the sharpshooter walked down the hall and out the front door of Chris's ranch house.
"Dammit, Tanner." Rory cursed softly. He may have fucked up badly, but he'd be damned if he was going to make it easy for Vin to walk away from their friendship.
"Dammit, Vin." Chris echoed his words. The utter weariness in his voice caused the ex ranger to take an involuntary step in that direction. But then he hesitated. What did he think he could do? Give Chris Larabee a hug and tell him everything was going to be all right? Like hell, it would! And Chris deserved everything he got, anyway. Bastard. But God what a gorgeous one. It wasn't just his looks, though. There was something about him. Something compelling. Rory Selkirk had fucked many a pretty face during the course of his life and not one of them had made him even consider the possibility of a relationship and all the shit that went with it. Until Chris. Well, except for Tanner maybe.
"Awww hell. So I'm a glutton for punishment." Rory muttered. He took a few more steps towards Chris and put a hand gently on the older man's shoulder. "Chris?"
Chris tensed a bit under Rory's touch. "Yeah?" He didn't want to hear what the other man had to say. But he owed him that much. Chris Larabee owed far too many people far too many things. His soul staggered under the weight.
"I'm not going to ask you if you're ok, because that would be a stupid question and I... we've all been stupid enough for one day. But I need to know that..."
"That I won't do anything like slit my wrists in the bathtub or wrap my car around a tree?" Chris interrupted. He closed his eyes for a brief second. "No. That would be the easy way out. And we all know I don't do anything the easy way." The words were bitter, self mocking.
"Jesus, Chris." Rory tightened his grip on the other man's shoulder and ran shaky fingers through dark hair.
"Go home, Rory. You don't owe me anything."
"And that's just the way you like it. Well, fuck you, Larabee. I'm not under your command and despite some of the things we did in that bed over there, I'm not your damn dog, either. I'll go home when I'm good and ready."
Chris's lips twitched briefly and then he relaxed his stance and sighed. "You're a pain in the ass, you know that?"
"So I've been told." Rory grinned briefly, his tone giving the words a suggestive slant. But his smile flickered and died as Chris looked away, jaw tight.
"Damn." Rory sighed and slowly removed his hand from Chris's shoulder. "What a fucking mess. I'm no good at this shit. A quick shag, a few laughs, that's me. Or it used to be, anyway."
"It's no good, Rory. You know that, don't you?" Chris asked quietly.
"Yeah. I know." Rory's brown eyes were dark with suppressed emotion.
"You going after Vin?" Chris didn't look at him as he asked this.
"Yeah."
Chris's face whitened a bit at this answer, but he didn't say anything.
"Not like that. Just... we were friends. I don't want to lose that."
"Me and Vin were friends too." Chris said harshly.
"Yeah. But me and Tanner were never anything more."
"Or anything less." Chris's voice was bitter now with anger and regret and pain. More pain than Rory felt equipped to deal with.
"I guess I should go." Rory took a deep breath and turned away. He took a few steps and then stopped. "Awww hell." he muttered, before walking swiftly back to Chris and pulling him into a bruising kiss.
The older man finally broke the kiss and Rory stepped back. Neither of the men spoke as Rory walked slowly down the hallway and out the same door the sharpshooter had gone through a lifetime ago.
+ + + + + + +
"Open the door, Tanner. I know you're in there." Rory pounded on the door to Vin's apartment, causing one of the neighbors to peer out suspiciously.
"We're friends. Really. Can't you tell?" Rory gave the suspicious woman his most charming smile and she melted like butter in the sun.
"You be nice to Senor Vin." she admonished, beginning to close the door. "And stop making so much noise. You'll wake the dead!"
"You hear that, Tanner? You might as well let me in. I've got a key anyway and I'm not afraid to use it."
"I could say the same thing about my gun." The sharpshooter's voice came through the door.
"Too much paperwork involved if you shoot someone. And I know how much you hate paperwork."
"I can use my bare hands. I know at least fifty ways to kill a man with my bare hands."
"You forget Tanner, I was in the same Army you were. I know the same shit. Now we can stand here doing this all night or you can let me the fuck in!"
The door swung open and Vin stood there. His eyes were red, but he seemed calm enough. And he was still sober. Some pain even whisky couldn't dull.
"What do you want, Selkirk?" Vin sounded as weary as Chris had earlier.
"I want us to be friends. I want me to be the kind of guy who wouldn't fuck around with his best friend's lover. I want Chris to fall head over heels in love with me. And I want to win the fucking lottery so I can quit teaching those pansy ass rich kids how to play tennis."
"Don't want much do ya, Selkirk?"
"Well, I'm a realist. I'll settle for us being friends. And for you to quit calling me Selkirk. Makes me feel like I'm in the Army again." Rory shuddered theatrically and Vin's lips twisted in a brief smile. But as quickly as it had come, it was gone even more quickly.
"I don't know, Ror'." Vin said quietly.
"Well, I know. Let's go get a beer out of the fridge. I'll grovel, you'll eventually forgive me..."
"And then everything will be just dandy?" Vin's tone was scathing.
"No. Everything will still be shitty."
"Yeah." Vin turned and began walking towards the small kitchen to the right of the door. Rory followed silently. Neither man said a word until they had gotten their beers and went out into the living room. Rory sat on the small sofa and Vin sat across from him, perched on the edge of his chair, body rigid.
"He's right ya know." The sharpshooter said abruptly. "I did start it. But I don't think I can forgive Chris for bein' the one to finish it."
"Awww hell, Tanner. I thought love was suppose to cover a multitude of sins."
"Not this one." Vin stared into Rory's brown eyes, leaning forward in his chair. He'd set the bottle of beer down on the small coffee table that lay between them and now his hands gripped the arms of the chair. "Did ya love him, Ror'?"
"Me? What kind of question is that? You know..." Rory tried to pretend, but the sharpshooter shook his head.
"Don't." Vin said warningly.
"Yes. I did."
Vin blinked rapidly. "Shit. I don't know whether that makes it better or worse."
"I'm sorry, Tanner. God, I'm so sorry." Rory bit his lip and looked away. He could feel the sting of tears, but he wouldn't cry. He never did.
"Did he...?" Vin looked away, unwilling to actually say the words.
"No, Tanner. He didn't love me." The words hurt. The truth usually did. That's why Rory had always favored a more flexible approach to such things.
"He didn't love me, either." Vin said bitterly.
"I think he loved you too much. What he didn't do was trust you."
"I ain't sure it makes all that much difference in the end. Can't have one without the other."
"Maybe. I'm not exactly in a position to know much about things like that."
"I'm findin' out I don't know shit about anything, myself."
"So what're you going to do, Tanner?"
"I don't know, Ror'. I just know I can't see him." Vin buried his face in his hands.
"Don't you two work together?" Rory asked hesitantly. Vin's shoulders were shaking. Shit. He was no good at this stuff. He was the kind of friend people had fun with, not the kind of friend whose shoulder they cried on.
"Not after this. I can't fucking do it, Ror'. I can't." The sharpshooter's voice was muffled. "Shit, Ror'. What the fuck am I gonna do?"
"It'll be ok, Vin. Just get through tonight. We'll figure out something tomorrow."
Rory got to his feet and went out into the kitchen to fetch another beer. It was going to be a long night. For all of them.
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