Disclaimer: Not mine, but I wish they were.
Notes: Just a note regarding the recent discussion on the list regarding JD's age. I have always imagined him as 19 in the OW. So that's what I'm going with here. Mucho thanks to my wonderful Beta readers: Sar, Kathye, Cat and Tammy. Thank you very much for all your help and suggestions.
ONE - Ezra
What am I going to do? I can't pretend any longer that all I feel is friendship. I've felt so much more than that for such a long time.Does he know? Does he have any idea what he does to me just by looking at me with those eyes? Those eyes that reveal everything and nothing.
I'm a dead man. If Buck ever found out how I feel he would most definitely kill me. Followed quickly by dismemberment by the others.
Where is he now, I wonder? Groaning, I pull myself out of bed. I should be sleeping. It was a late night last night. I pick up my watch from the bedside table and look at it through bleary eyes. Almost six o'clock in the morning. I might as well get up and get ready for my patrol. I know Mr. Larabee puts me on these early morning patrols to punish me. I just wish I knew what I've done this time.
Ah, well, it doesn't matter. Nothing does anymore except for him.
I look out the window and my breath catches. He's walking into the livery right now. I frown for a moment with worry. Why is he awake? I know when he went to bed last night. I know because he and I were in the saloon talking long after the others had turned in for the night. I should have cut the conversation short, but I couldn't. I had him all to myself and I wasn't going to miss my opportunity. They come so rarely.
He had been telling me a story about his mother. I don't even remember how we got onto the topic, but I was being given a precious gift. A chance to know more about the woman who raised the man I have come to realize that I will love till the day I die.
I check myself in the mirror one last time before heading out to the livery. Is he still there? Unconsciously I move faster towards my destination and my breath quickens with anticipation.
His is the face I want to see first when I wake up every morning. Most of the time, I do not get my wish, but today, maybe today, I will.
I step into the cool, dark interior of the stable, looking around trying to find him when I hear a noise behind me. I jump and turn around, my derringer in my hand.
There he is, holding the reins of our horses already saddled and ready to go. I push the derringer back into place while he looks at me with those dark eyes and smiles shyly.
"I hope you don't mind, Ezra, but I was awake anyway and thought I'd give ya some company on patrol this morning."
"I'd be honored, Mr. Dunne."
He smiles again and I feel it all the way to the bottom of my soul. How can I continue to live like this. I can't. I have to know.
"Mr. Dunne...JD..." I start to speak but stammer to a halt. I don't know what to say. All my words have failed me. I try to recover and open my mouth to try again when he makes my decision for me.
Leaning down from atop his horse he kisses me softly, hesitantly. He looks at me and nods his head before whispering, "Yes." Then he turns his horse and rides out of the livery.
Stunned, I stare after him. Am I dreaming or did that really happen? My hand drifts up to caress the spot on my cheek where he kissed me. I feel giddy and so incredibly happy I can barely contain a grin as I quickly mount and hurry to catch up to him. When I finally do catch up, he looks at me and grins.
"I guess we have some stuff to talk about, huh?"
Oh, yes, and this time I think I'll be able to find the words to at least express a small fraction of the love that I feel for this man riding beside me.
TWO - JD
It was another one of our late night conversations after all the others had gone to bed.I always look forward to them. Probably more than he will ever know because it is only then that I get to see the parts of himself that he kept hidden from the rest of the world.
I think about his kindness, his tender heart, his almost desperate need to belong and realize that the funny thing is, those same words could be used to describe me. We're actually more alike than people might think.
We just sit and talk about whatever comes to mind; sometimes it's about what's going on right now, but sometimes, sometimes we talk about what we did before we all met.
He doesn't try and hide from me during those late night chats and I don't have to pretend to be something I'm not. When he tells me about things he's done in the past, he doesn't make excuses, he just tells me how it was and lets me judge for myself. I don't always like what he'd done, but I can't condemn him because all of that is in the past and it's what brought him here. I think sometimes, he wants me to judge him unworthy, but I can't. I won't. He's too special to me. I've begun to see behind the mask even when we're not having our late night talks and what I see saddens me. No-one should feel that alone when surrounded by those who love you.
That's the problem though, he doesn't know that I love him. I wish I was brave enough to tell him what I feel. Brave enough to tell him that I look forward to seeing him every day. That the twinkle in his eyes when he's about to say or do something outrageous sets my pulse racing.
He looked at me last night when he thought I wasn't paying attention and for a brief instant I saw something that I would never have dared to dream was possible. My heart leapt into my throat when I saw the love and desire in his eyes. I could scarcely believe it. I was just imagining things, wasn't I?
I opened my mouth to say something but nothing came out and then the look was gone. He looked at me with those sharp green eyes, studying me intently before he asked, "Did you want something, JD?"
I didn't answer the question. I was afraid. What if I had misread what I saw in his eyes? I quickly mumbled a good night and headed to my room. Not to sleep, though, I had to much too think about.
I laid on my bed going over the last few months. I looked at them with a new perspective and by the time that sun was beginning to rise I knew what I had to do.
I get out of bed, dress, splash some water on my face and run my fingers through my hair before heading to the livery.
I know I have time. After all, even though Ez would show up to go on early patrol, he would never arrive at the livery any sooner than he had to.
I saddle my horse, then his and am just leading them out when he walks in. He appears deep in thought, so I clear my throat quietly. He jumps and turns around, his derringer already in his hand. He quickly pushes the derringer back into place when he sees that it's me.
Damn, I'm nervous. What if I'm wrong. I smile hesitantly and say, "I hope you don't mind, Ezra, but I was awake anyway and thought I'd give ya some company on patrol this morning." There. At least I managed to say something. Even if it isn't what's in my heart.
"I'd be honored, Mr. Dunne."
I try to smile again, but it feels all wrong. I try to cover my awkwardness by mounting my horse.
"Mr. Dunne...JD..." He stops and I decide to take a chance. The worst that can happen is he shoots me. Right now that sounds like a definite improvement over the thought of never knowing.
I lean down and gently brush my lips against his cheek. I want more, but it's a start. I look at him, nod my head and answer the question he asked me earlier.
"Yes." I then ride out of the stable. The next move is up to him. My heart starts to sink when I don't hear anything for several minutes. Then I hear it. A horse coming up behind me very fast. This is it. No more hiding.
I turn and grin at him.
"I guess we have some stuff to talk about, huh?" He doesn't answer right away, but that's ok. I look at the sunrise and think, 'Today is going to be a day to remember.'
fin
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