DO NOT LINK THIS STORY TO OTHER WEBSITES
"God dammit Chris! You ain't got a fuckin' clue, what you're askin'." Vin's blue eyes blazed angrily, as he faced off against his best friend, his boss, his lover. He'd do anything for Chris, anything. But, he couldn't do this. Chris just didn't know. Couldn't have any idea what it would mean."Vin, I know there will be people who won't like it. They'll say some real ugly things, maybe even try to take it to the next level. But, we can handle them. We'll face them together." Chris argued exasperatedly. He just couldn't understand why Vin was so determined to keep their relationship a secret from everyone.
"Chris please, just listen to me. I been there. You ain't. I'll bet you ain't never had to deal with people hatin' your guts, without knowin' a fuckin' thing about you. Sure, you know how to deal with creeps and lowlifes, ‘cause you're a cop and it's part o' the job. But Chris, tellin' people about us, it ain't gonna be nothin' like havin' some scumball hate you ‘cause you're throwin' his ass in jail." There was a hint of desperation in Vin's voice. He had to make Chris see, that going public would be the worst thing they could do.
Chris didn't understand how bad it would be, because he'd always been the golden boy. Vin would have known it, even if he hadn't flipped through an old yearbook he'd found, when he was putting some clean laundry away in Chris's closet one day. Shit, Chris had been the captain of the baseball team, the star quarterback, the class president. There must have been twenty pictures of Chris in different poses and activities in that damned book. His own yearbook, which he hadn't been able to afford, had an empty square with the words, picture not available, next to his name. Other kids listed favorites and clubs and friends and teams they were on. The only thing in his space was his name. He'd been too goddamned busy trying to figure out where he was getting his next meal to enjoy any of those things.
His high school days had been spent working to pay the rent on the tiny room Nettie had helped him find. She'd helped him find the job too. He worked every day after school and Saturdays, and when they'd let him on Sundays, in a stable that rented out horses. He mucked stalls and curried horses and cleaned tack and anything else that needed done. He was bone tired when he was done and some days he had trouble staying awake in class. The owner was a fair man and paid him more than minimum wage, but rent and food took up most of it. There wasn't a lot left over for clothes and Vin wore the ones he had, until they were practically rags. Too bad he wasn't going to school now, Vin thought ruefully. Hell, his holey jeans would be the envy of the cool kids.
Larabee could tell, that Vin's thoughts had drifted. He reached out and touched his cheek to get his attention. Vin turned towards him and Chris flinched against the torment he saw in those blue eyes. What had he been thinking of, that caused him so much pain? Did he really believe that telling people about them would be so awful? Sure, there'd be assholes, but they dealt with assholes every day. Yeah, Larabee knew that people could be real shits, but as long as he had Vin, he could put up with some shit. He tried once more, to make Vin see reason. "Cowboy," he began, using the affectionate nickname they shared. "I know it's gonna be kinda rough at first, but I'll be with you the whole time. We can deal with it as long as we're together."
Vin looked at Chris sadly. Larabee was so confident and so sure of himself. He'd never been in a situation, like the one he wanted to rush into headfirst, without knowing the consequences. Vin took a deep breath. He had to tell Chris the things he needed to know, to understand.
Chris saw the steadying breath and the resolve in those incredible eyes that he loved so much. Vin took his hand and spoke softly. "I'm gonna tell you things Chris, I never told anybody. They ain't easy ta talk about, so I'd appreciate you not askin' me no questions, till I'm done. ‘Kay?"
Chris nodded and pulled his lover to him and kissed him on the forehead. "Why don't we sit down, before you start?" he suggested.
Vin nodded and they took seats on opposite ends of the sofa. Chris sat leaning into the comfortably padded corner of the sofa and Vin sat indian style, facing him. Chris's attention was riveted on his lover's pensive face, as the sharpshooter started speaking in his soft Texas drawl.
"I left Texas, when I was fifteen years old. Got tired of being a punchin' bag for Larry, the asshole they sent me to live with. I got as far as Purgatorio, when I flat ran outta money. I had two pair o' jeans, three shirts, a pair o' sneakers a jacket one o' their kids grew outta, two pair o' underwear and 82 cents. Weren't no problem findin' a place ta sleep, there was plenty o' boarded up buildin's ta pick from. I found a busted window in one of ‘em and moved in. Found some cardboard ta use for a bed and some old newspapers ta use for blankets.
I hung around one o' the grocery stores for the first couple days, helpin' people with their bags, for tips. I didn't make much, but it was enough for some bread and peanut butter." Vin laughed humorously, "I ate so goddamned much peanut butter, I swore, that once I got enough money, I wouldn't never eat that shit again. I don't neither. Ain't touched the stuff in more'n ten years."
"Anyways, I got myself into school. Man you shoulda seen the looks I got. I was skinny as shit, and about a foot shorter than most o' the kids. I only had one jacket and it was kinda small, but I couldn't afford nothin' else. Nobody talked ta me. That was OK, I coulda handled that, I was used ta bein' ignored, less o' course, Larry needed ta exercise his fist."
Vin's drawl was bitter and full of pain. Chris wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms and make the bad memories go away. Instead, he nodded encouragingly.
"Like I said, I wouldn't minded bein' ignored. It was the other stuff that hurt. Christ, they wouldn't even sit at the same table with me when it was time for lunch. Chris, if there weren't no empty tables, and I had to sit at one with them, they'd look at me like I was dirt and get up and move. Shit, they'd squeeze in too many people at tables, so they didn't have to sit with me. I hated lunch. I'd sit down at a table and eat my goddamned peanut butter sandwich. Shit, I couldn't even afford milk ta wash it down. I'd just eat that fuckin' bread and peanut butter and wash it down with water from the fountain."
Chris felt his insides turning to ice at the pain he heard in the raspy voice. Vin's head had dropped and he was studying the buttons on the back of the couch when he continued.
"I'd go into a class and they'd fight over who was gonna get stuck sittin' next to me. Like, I was gonna bite ‘em or somethin'. If there was a group project in one o' the classes, I always ended up with the teacher pickin' a group ta take me. Chris, the things they'd say, that I could hear was the worst. I'd be sittin' in a class, and some kid would ask some other kid, how come the room smelled so bad. And they'd look right at me, when they'd say it. Shit, I knew I didn't smell good, but the only place I had to clean up was a bathroom down the hall that 3 other roomers shared. There was never any hot water. Took a lot of damned cold showers. I didn't have no place to wash my clothes, but the laundromat, three blocks from that room. Half the time I washed ‘em without soap, ‘cause I was too broke to buy any.
"They made my life hell, Chris." Vin looked at the older man and saw the compassion etched there and it gave him the courage to go on. "If I looked at one o' them, he'd holler "What are you lookin' at freak?" Shit, sometimes, I just wanted to leave that school and never go back. But, I couldn't. I promised my mom. I had to graduate. Chris, they hated my guts, and they didn't know shit about me. They called me names and they knocked my books outta my hands and once in a while, I'd get beat up. Never bad, just hurt like hell. I worked my ass off, to get to a place, where people respected me and I'd never have to put up with shit like that again. I don't never wanta sit down at a table again and have people get up and move away, just ‘cause I sat down. I don't wanta be pointed at and laughed at again."
Vin's blue eyes were liquid when they met Chris's again. "Chris, I just can't go back to livin' like that again." his voice broke and Chris moved to take him in his arms.
"Shhhh," he whispered. "It's ok. I understand. It'll be our secret, until you're ready to tell it."
He stroked Vin's hair and held him tightly. How the hell Vin had survived his childhood and grown into the finest person Chris knew, was a complete mystery to him. But Vin had and he was here in his arms and the only thing he was asking was that Chris not make him go through a hell that he'd already lived through once. He could feel Vin's body shaking and hot tears were soaking his shirt. Christ, he'd been a selfish fuck. He loved Vin so much, and he wanted everyone to know that this amazing man loved him too. But, he'd brushed aside his lover's objections, without really considering them. Vin was right. People would treat them like pariahs if they knew. And after what the younger man had just told him, Chris didn't blame him for not wanting to live through it again.
Chris held him, until he heard Vin take a deep shuddering breath and lift his head.
"I'm sorry," the Texan started and Chris cut him off quickly with a hand over his mouth.
"Don't be. I was a jerk. I'm so damned proud that you love me, that I wanted everyone to know. I never thought beyond not wanting to hide, to what it would do to you. I'm so sorry," Chris ended his apology with a soft kiss on Vin's lips.
Vin closed his eyes and let his lover's kiss take him away from all the bad memories.
THE END