"It's been a while." Vin Tanner stood, twisting the brim of his hat with nervous fingers. He peered intently at the ground as he spoke. The freshly turned earth before him was cool and damp and the air smelled faintly of flowers. It had been a wet winter and spring had come early this year."Don't rightly know what I'm doin' here exactly. I wasn't gonna come at first." Vin continued staring at the ground, unseeing and uncaring of any beauty in his surroundings. His attention was focused on the words inside him that had remained unspoken for five long years. "But I reckon it's about damn time I stopped runnin'. Made a habit of it for far too long now. So here I am."
There was a long pause as he collected his thoughts. Absently his eyes traced over the designs on the surrounding stones as he raised his head to stare off into the distance. Then his lips tightened in determination and he blinked rapidly before lowering his gaze once more to the ground at his feet.
"I was real sorry I missed JD's weddin'. I heard tell it was a right nice shindig. Hope him and Casey found a use for the horses I sent. Never was much good at presents." Moving slightly to the left, he leaned back against a tall oak tree.
"I hear Nathan and Josiah are doin' pretty well, too. I ain't been back to see 'em yet. Always mean to... I just..." he trailed off, scrubbing the back of one hand across his jaw before finally shrugging slightly.
"I ain't made it down to San Francisco yet to see Ez's saloon yet, neither. Got a letter from him a year or so back. " He frowned suddenly, then sighed, shaking his head tiredly.
"I guess I'm havin' a harder time sayin' the words than I thought I would. Figured it had been so long, they don't matter much to anyone except me anymore, so it should be easy enough to say my piece and then go. But it ain't workin' out like that, is it?" He took a deep breath, visibly steeling himself.
"I'm sorry about the way I left. It wasn't right, walkin' out on ya like that. I owed ya'll an explanation. Especially you, I reckon. Except, it wasn't really something I understood myself, at the time. I just needed to get away, try and clear my head. And my name, while I was at it. Managed to do the one, I ain't too sure about the other." He paused to smile ruefully.
"I knew you and the other fellas woulda kicked up a fuss about goin' with me if I said anything. So I didn't."
He paused to reach a hand inside the hide jacket he wore, despite the warm spring day. Pulling out a creased letter, worn thin with handling, his smile faded.
"Guess I'm finally answering your letter." Glancing at the words he'd long ago committed to memory, he gently traced a finger over them.
"Yep. I'm a sorry bastard for denyin' my friends the chance to help clear my name. Just like you said. And I reckon it is a damn fine feelin' to be able to walk down the street without lookin' over my shoulder every step of the way. You were right about that, too. And I appreciated you pointin' out how you let Ezra came slinking back after runnin' out on ya, so there wasn't no harm in me doin' the same." A short, dry chuckle escaped as he said this.
"You put it a bit more tactful like in your letter, but I knew what you meant. I'm sorry I never wrote back. I'm sorry I stayed away so long. I'm sorry I was such a damn coward. I'm sorry about a lot of things."
"But what I'm mostly sorry for is not tellin' ya how I felt. How I still feel. Goddammit, Chris! You weren't supposed to die. Not now. Not without givin' me a chance to say these words. What the hell did you think you were doin' anyway? I hope you're burnin' in Hell right now you son of a bitch. I may have run out on you, but you weren't supposed to do the same thing to me." His hands were clenched into fists and he stood there breathing heavily and swiping angrily at his watery eyes.
"I loved you five years ago when I left and I love you now. A damn fool in love with a ghost now, that's what I am. Serves me right for not sayin' anything when I had the chance, I guess." He glared down at the headstone beside him. "I hope you're rolling over in your grave right now. Serve you right for being an even bigger fool than I am. Gettin' yourself shot by some greenhorn lookin' to make a name for himself." He shook his head in disgust and then slumped back against the tree.
"I don't know what I'm gonna do now. Before, I always knew you were around, staring at the same sky, walking on the same earth. I could tell myself that there was still time. That maybe one day I'd take my chances and tell you how I felt. But that ain't ever gonna happen now. It's too late for that." The words came out in a near whisper, one hand held out in unconscious appeal. To someone who was no longer there to see it. "It's never too late, Vin. Ain't that what Josiah would say?" The voice came from directly behind him.
Vin turned white at those words. Words spoken in a voice he'd never thought to hear again. Slowly, he turned around, half hoping half dreading what he would find.
"Chris?" The gunslinger looked awful good for a dead man, Vin thought incoherently.
"Yep. That's still my name. Nice to know you haven't forgotten it completely." Chris closed the gap between them, moving til he stood almost nose to nose with the stunned tracker.
"I appreciate you coming to pay your last respects, Vin. Glad I was still alive to see it." Chris's expression was unreadable, at odds with the light, dry tone he'd adopted.
"What the hell is goin' on here? I heard you was dead. How long you been standin' there? This is... You're..." Vin fell silent, still only half believing what he saw.
"I ain't quite dead, yet. Not that a few folk don't wish that weren't the case. But then, I've never been the obliging type." Chris folded his arms and regarded Vin thoughtfully.
"I'm glad you ain't dead, Chris," Vin replied simply. That seemed to sum things up pretty well. He was glad. More than he could say. More than he probably should say.
"How glad?" Chris demanded softly.
"If'n you been standin' there any length of time at all, then you already know the answer to that." Vin narrowed his eyes. What was Chris playin' at here?
"Maybe. Maybe not. All I know is, five years is a helluva long time, Vin. Maybe you could oblige a former dead man and tell me again how glad you are to see me." Chris's voice was even, but there was a hint of pain in the green eyes that Vin was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to see.
Vin owed the gunslinger. And he'd come all this way to tell Chris how he felt. He'd already said it once. So why was it so hard to say the words again?
"Well, I'm real glad, cowboy. Real glad." Chris rolled his eyes at the pathetic offering and Vin shrugged a bit sheepishly.
"How about you buy me a drink while I think about how to say it all purty like?" Vin's own smile coaxed a reluctant grin from the gunslinger.
"I could do that." Chris shifted slightly, til he was standing a bit to the side of the tracker. Getting ready to go get that drink? Or getting ready to run now that he'd had a minute to think about things? Well, Vin wasn't about to give him the chance.
"Or I could just show ya how glad I am, instead of tellin' ya."
There was a long pause. "I never was much for words," Chris said musingly, giving Vin a sidelong look.
"A man after my own heart." Vin brushed his fingers lightly over the back of the gunslinger's neck. It was the first time he'd touched Chris in five years. It felt like coming home. It felt good.
"It's getting late." Chris glanced up at the rapidly darkening sky, shivering a bit, whether in response to his touch or to the growing chill in the air, Vin didn't know. Didn't matter. If he had his way, the gunslinger would soon be doing a lot more than shivering.
"But not too late," Vin whispered, turning to follow Chris out of the cemetery.
THE END
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