ATF Alternate Universe
ELEVEN
How many rotations of the glass was that? Chris Larabee pondered as he again turned the glass of amber fluid. It was long past drinkable, the warmth of his hand having turned the cold, froth headed beer into a warm and insipid liquid. Why had he come here? That was an easy question to answer, he had found Vin's apartment empty and a cold hollowness hit the pit of his stomach. As in the past, he sought the refuge of a familiar pain suppressant, but unlike the past, it didn't hold the gift of hiding his anguish anymore.Where had Vin gone?
The young sharpshooter had always been a loner, the type to pick up and leave, a throwback to his childhood of foster homes and orphanages. Ready to leave at a moments notice because he was no longer wanted, or because he had to make way for another child. Vin had always told him, that's why he liked the open spaces. They were free. No one could take them from him, or take him from them.
Was that where Vin was? Under the stars, alone, cursing the day he ever met Chris Larabee?
'Why?'
'You've never treated me like this before'
Even after all that he had done to his young lover, not once did Vin retaliate, curse him, strike him down, nothing, just the hurt pain of innocence, "Why?"
How many times in his life did he want to turn back the hands of time, change what fate had deemed a necessary evil to walk hand and hand with Chris Larabee's life. Taking his wife and son, instead of the intended target; him, was the first evil that Chris had to live with. Allowing that animal Sleeth, to get close enough to Vin that he was able to torture and rape the young agent was another. Everything could have been avoided; shouldn't have happened, but it did, while Chris Larabee was left as an onlooker to the unfolding tragedies. Now, as if in some fated joke that Chris had not yet been allowed in on, he was no longer the eyewitness, but he was now playing a role in the destruction of another part of his life.
"Somehow I thought you would be harder to find," Buck's voice interrupted his thoughts.
"Go away Buck," Chris warned his old friend.
Silently refusing a drink offered from Inez from behind the bar, Buck grabbed a chair, swinging it around he straddle it as he watched his friend refuse to met his eyes. "I'm not surprised to find you here. You have spent many nights here, feeding your self pity with booze."
"What part of go away don't you understand?" Chris whispered threateningly.
"The part, that wonders why when I called Ezra asking for you, that you left without finding out what I wanted," Buck replied as he watched the slight tremble in Chris's hand as turned the full glass on the table.
"Do you know how happy I was, Buck?" Chris said as he was at last able to meet his friend's line of sight. "Only Sarah, ever made me this happy."
"And you will be happy again. Chris, Vin ain't one to hold a grudge. So you jumped to conclusions --said somethings you shouldn't have, Vin will forgive you, but he really needs--"
"No!" Chris raised his voice as he pushed the glass away, "I spent months getting Vin to believe he was worth something--that that animal hadn't taken anything important to who Vin was, away--but now," he sighed as leaned back in his chair, "in a moment of stupid thoughtlessness, I have destroyed everything."
"So what?! Are you going to sit here and let it go without a fight?" Buck asked not so gently.
"I can't put him through anymore pain. He's been through enough because of me," Chris argued.
"You're still blaming yourself for Sleeth. How many times-- it was your job, it was Vin's job. No one knew how sick he really was. Jesus, Chris, how could you have stood being in the same room with Vin, if you thought this? You're putting yourself on the same level as Sleeth and I can't allow that." Buck volleyed back at his friend.
"I might as well be," Chris answered, his guilt proclaimed to the world in his eyes, or so he imagined. "Damn it Buck! I-I used him, just like Sleeth. I punished him for his betrayal." He could no longer look at his friend as he heard the sharp intake of breath.
Buck's shoulders slumped as he realized the magnitude of what Chris was saying. He tried to voice the next question, but it got stuck in his throat. He had put Vin's reversion back to his time with Sleeth, down to the restraints and the stress of his injuries but now it was becoming sickeningly clear. "I don't want to know what you did," Buck snarled through clenched teeth, his mustache arching as he spoke. "All I know is that he is asking for you, and you owe Junior at LEAST that much to be there when he wakes up." What Buck didn't say was that one of the other five would be there watching, so that Chris didn't hurt Vin again.
"Wakes up?" Chris bolted up in his seat, his heart racing at the implications.
"Yeah, wakes up. Maybe next time you'll hang around long enough take your fucking phone calls," Buck swore as he stood, and noisily slammed the chair back under the table. "Get your ass in my car, and I may just tell what you've missed while you sat here feeling sorry for yourself."
TWELVE
By the time, Buck pulled into the hospital carpark, Chris was feeling as physically ill as he could be with out throwing up his lunch; if he had had any that is. Opening the car door, he just about fell out, his shaky legs barely keeping him standing. Chris still unable to fathom what Buck, between reproachful glares, had told him. How had this happened? What had happened between the time he left Vin, until the sharpshooter ended up in hospital with a hole in his back? And why hadn't he been there to protect Vin?"Don't you start that self pity shit!" Buck ordered as he grabbed hold of Chris's arm and pulled him toward the hospital. "So you fucked up! Deal with it and move on! I have a feeling that Junior doesn't hate you as much you think he does. I on the other hand." He hissed as he pulled Chris to a stop. "You ever fuck up this bad again and it won't be Vin laying in the hospital. Now go, I have some phone calls to make. I have to rein in a search party," Buck gently commanded as he allowed himself to calm down enough to pat Chris on the back.
"Thanks Buck," Chris's voice shook for a second. "Thanks for everything."
"That's okay pard. What are friends for, if not to be there, to kick your ass when you need it. Oh and Chris! Vin will most likely still be in surgery. Ez'll let you know the latest," Buck called after his friend. "I won't be far behind you."
Acknowledging Buck with a short wave of his hand, Chris took a deep breath as he walked down the corridor. How many times had he been here with Vin? They had nearly lost him after Sleeth..."Don't go there, Larabee, not now," he admonished himself.
The most important thing right now was that Vin would be all right. If his lover didn't forgive him, Chris knew he would have to learn to live with that, but one thing he couldn't live without, was not having Vin in his life at all.
The first person he saw was Ezra. With his hands shoved into the pockets of his tailored pants and his head bowed, the Southerner impatiently shuffled his feet as he waited. Hearing the footsteps, Ezra glanced up, his upturned mouth dropped, his face clouding over as looked away from the unwanted associate.
"I know you're angry with me, Ezra," Chris acknowledge his fellow agent's anger as he stopped beside the Southerner. "You have every right."
"Angry?" Ezra looked up shaking his head in denial. "I'm not angry, Mr. Larabee, on the contrary, I'm actually in a quandary. Do I shoot you? Give you a slow painful poisonous death? Or I do I just pound my fists into your face until there is nothing recognizable left?"
"All three of them if you like, Ezra," Chris offered. "Nothing you could do would make me feel any worse than I do now."
Ezra did not want to feel sorry for the man beside him. He wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt Vin and if he was to be honest, as much as he had hurt Ezra, himself. Chris Larabee's mistrust of him went deep, deeper than Ezra ever imagined and it was only this situation with Vin, that showed the southerner how far Larabee was willing to trust him. The pain he felt at Larabee's betrayal flared again. "Well, seeing as you so like surprises, Mr. Larabee!" Ezra spat, "How about we let the cards choose?"
"Ezra," Laura's voice called as she walked down the hallway toward the two men. "I thought you would like to know how it went?" Curious as to the new man, the nurse held her information back, "and this is?" she nodded toward Chris.
"My name's Chris Larabee Ma'am," Chris took Laura's hand.
Ezra bit his tongue, wanting to say more, but surprising himself with the words that tumbled from his mouth, "Chris is Vin's brother." It was the old lie that they had often used to get Chris into see Vin. It wasn't really a lie, Chris was as close as family, and as Vin had no family that they knew of, it always seemed like the thing to do at the time.
"Larabee?" Laura asked.
"Half brothers," Ezra lied again.
"Nice to meet you Chris, I'm Laura, Vin's nurse. Well, Doctor Hayward said I could come and let you know that Vin came through very fine. There was a small laceration, but it was repaired with no trouble. He'll have to take it easy for awhile, especially with those couple of broken ribs. He's going to be a sad and sorry young man for awhile, but he'll be fine."
"Thank God," Chris sighed in relief.
"You all right, Mr. Larabee? You look a little white," Laura asked. "I'll get you some water," she offered.
"Thanks, no, I'm fine. When can we see him?" Chris asked somewhat impatient to see Vin.
"Well any other time," Laura smiled as she remembered the look on Hayward's face as Buck stared him down. "You would not be allowed, but thanks to Buck, you gentlemen get special privileges."
"What's good 'ol' Buck done now, beautiful? And by the less than morbid look on my pards' faces, I take it Junior is going to be up and dancing very soon." Buck rubbed his hands and clapped them in delight. "Hot Damn!" He whistled and picked Laura up swinging her around a couple of times.
"Buck, remember the deal," She giggled as he gently put her down.
"Later then huh?" Buck winked.
"The deal?" Chris asked.
"Well, Buck here was like a mother bear protecting its cub," Laura chose to fill Chris in as she gestured for them to follow her. "He had the doctor totally terrified." She smiled as she winked back at Buck.
"I wouldn't exactly go for that analogy, Laura," Buck feigned hurt, "I see myself as a lion myself."
"Yeah, right Buck, a big cuddly one," Laura teased.
"We'll see who's cuddly later my--"
All the Jokes stopped as they reached the recovery room. Looking in through the window, the three men looked at the pale features as Vin lay deathly still.
"Honestly, it looks worse than it is. He'll be waking up soon. Now remember, don't get in our way, and we won't get in yours, Okay?"
THIRTEEN
Where there had been nothing, Vin felt feeling returning to his body as he pushed back the curtain of unconsciousness. Unsure what had happened to him, his first thought was to move his hands, "B-Buck." His raspy voice managed to find its way past his dry throat, calling for the last person he remembered helping him.Chris's heart sank as he watched his lover struggle with his ever awakening awareness and call out for Buck. About to push himself from the chair, Buck shook his head as he walked over to the bed and whispered in Vin's ear. It seemed a intimate thing for his friend to do, but it had its desired effect and Vin began to calm.
With his eyes still closed, his tongue licking at his dry lips, Vin nodded as he listened to what Buck had to say. Suddenly his eyes sprung open, and he began to search the room. He saw his friends, standing and sitting at the back of the room, before continuing to scan until his sight settled at the side of the bed; and on Chris.
The two men stared at each other, before Chris broke the silence, "I can leave if you want. I'll understand," he reluctantly offered.
"Thir--sty," Vin croaked.
"Rules, gentlemen," Laura announced as she stepped into the room, "step back and let us have a look at the patient. Then if he feels up to it, you can have a five minutes."
"For you, my Laura, anything," Buck smiled as he winked at Vin and back out of the nurse's way.
"I'll move back," Chris offered from the other side of the bed.
"Well, you're not really in my way on that side, Chris. Just stay quiet and let me check this most popular gentleman out."
+ + + + + + +
Waiting patiently for Laura to finish, the six men waited expectantly for news on Vin's condition.
"What?" Laura smiled as she looked at the expectant faces, "I told you he was going to be all right, what you think, I lie? He's fine," she said as started to leave. Grabbing the front of Buck's shirt Laura pulled him down to her level, "I said five, I mean five. You might be able to stay, but I want him to sleep. Understand me cutey?"
"Loud and clear, lovely lady," Buck grinned as he leaned closer.
Releasing his shirt, Laura ducked out of his reach, shaking her finger, she mouthed the word, five as she walked away.
+ + + + + + +
Vin looked at everything in the room, but the man that sat at the side of his bed.
"I meant what I said Vin. If you don't want me here--"
"If ya wanna go, don't let this stop ya." Vin referred to his injuries as he locked eyes with his lover, "I'm fine, you heard the nurse. Ya don't have to stay." Clasping his hands together, Vin tried to conceal his trembling hands as he struggled to control his emotions.
"Vin, I--"
"Mr. Tanner, some of us are not moving until we find out how this happened and who committed this outrage." Ezra stepped forward to interrupt, believing Vin need protecting.
A small noise sounded from Vin, until he chuckled, clutching his chest slightly against the pain.
"What's so funny, Vin?" JD asked from the back of the room.
"Not funny, JD, not at all funny," Vin's smiled faded. "I headed to the Durango after," he paused and glanced at Chris, "I needed a drink. I had just turned the motor off when I heard a lady and her man goin' to town at each other, and well, he hit her."
"And you being the knight in shining armor that you are, attempted to rescue the damsel, only to have her black knight stab you," Ezra filled in the blanks, aiming dark looks toward Chris as he did so.
"Half right Ez. The woman stabbed me with somethin' while I was tryin' to stop her fella from hittin' her."
"The woman? After everything you did for her?" JD's mouth dropped open in astonishment.
"Close your mouth JD, you look like one of those sideshow games." Buck joked as he used a finger to push the younger agent's jaw closed.
"Yeah, but a lady, Buck," JD repeated.
"What, you've never heard of Bonnie Parker, Kid?" Nathan asked.
"A lady I'm sure, a killer no less than Clyde Barrows," Josiah added.
Buck caught sight of Laura at the window, pointing to her watch as she waved her five fingers.
"You can recognize them, give us description though?" Buck asked quickly.
"Reckon," Vin yawned as he eyes began to droop, "Don't suspect they'd being goin' anywhere." He yawned again and his eyes closed.
Chris wasn't sure what to do, Vin had never said for him to leave, but he never said he wanted him to stay either. So he made the decision for his injured lover, settling back in the chair, he waited. Vin would have to tell him to leave.
FOURTEEN
Under the glow of the hospital room light, Chris watched his lover's not so peaceful sleep. The erratic movements of Vin's eyes as they darted back and forth under his eyelids brought back painful memories of other sleepless nights. The guilt again began to gnaw at the older man as he cursed his blind stupidity.Glancing over to the rest of the team, he noted Ezra's position near the window, directly in the team leader's line of sight. The daggers that the Southerner was shooting in Chris's direction were not going unnoticed.
"I'm so sorry Ezra," Chris spoke quietly as not to disturb Vin.
"Well, that makes it all better then, does it not?" Ezra sarcastically whispered.
"Both of you shut up, or take it outside," Nathan hissed softly from the back of the room. "We're here because Vin needs us, not to listen to you two fighting over things you can't change."
"Well said, Brother Nate," Josiah whispered as he shifted his large frame in the uncomfortable hospital chair. "Who were these chair's made for, the seven dwarves."
Nobody thought it was particularly funny, but, whether it was relief that Vin would be all right, or just stress needing release, the larger man's mumbling broke the icy air of the room. JD started it, with his crossed arms rising and fall as he struggled to control himself at the sight of the big man squeezed into the small plastic seat.
The young agent's sniggering, soon set of a chain reaction and he was joined by Nathan, Josiah and Buck, who tried to control their mirth with their hands, before giving up and filing from the room. Well, all except Josiah, who found his butt stuck in the seat as tried to stand, propelling the team in the hallway into sniggering fits.
Ezra tried to ignore the side show his friends had accidentally put on for him, but just as Josiah managed to extricate himself from the molded plastic chair, the Southerner gave up. Looking over to Chris, Ezra sighed as he stood up and took a deep breath.
Chris stood up to meet Ezra, as the Southerner stepped to the edge of the bed and glanced down at Vin. "Life is very brief, Mr. Larabee, too brief to forfeit hard battled and won friendships." Turning his attention back to the surprised man at the other side of the bed, he held out his hand. "Considering, that it was just my character that has been wounded and I have heard people have thought much worse of me, I accept your reparation Mr. Larabee. Though, I am not sure why, I do believe that Mr. Tanner is rather fond of you. So, for his sake, I do hope you can restore his faith and repair the damage."
Ezra's soft words seemed to be spoken with reluctance, but Chris was more than happy to accept the outstretched hand.
"But if you ever," the Southerner's grip tightened.
"I love him, Ezra." Chris cut short Ezra's threat, "with all my heart, but nothing can excuse what I did. If Vin forgives me, I'll be the luckiest man on earth--I'll never let him go again," Chris's voice broke.
"It ain't gonna be that easy."
Hearing Vin's voice, Ezra knew his cue. Gently tugging at the Texan's foot to let him know he cared, he joined the rest of the team out in the hallway, urging them to the cafeteria.
Chris, stood watching the retreating back of the Southerner, before he trusted his emotions to look into his lover's eyes. "What can I say, Vin?"
"Not much, I reckon," Vin drawled as he grimaced.
Chris moved quickly to hover over Vin, "What's wrong? You need the doctor?"
Vin closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of his lover, Chris's closeness blurring the last few hours. Shaking his head slightly, Vin opened his eyes trying to distance himself from the physical and well as mental pain. "Don't want fussin'. Rib's are pinchin' that's all."
"Are you sure?" Chris asked again as tried to work out if Vin was trying to hide some physical pain from him.
"I'm--"
"Fine, yeah I know," Chris smiled as he repeated Vin's well honed answer to bullet holes, knife wounds, and-- No, he never said he was fine that time
"Don't!" Vin said firmly, "I ain't goin' there again. Not now, not ever, he's dead. Reckon, I had a little trouble when the doctor put those thin's on my wrists, but Buck was here, he helped me."
"I'm sorry I wasn't here, pard."
"Ya seem sorry about a lot'a thin's," Vin replied sourly. He couldn't help wondering how his relationship with Chris could ever be the same again.
"I have a lot to be sorry for," Chris's voice was barely a whisper.
"Damn it Chris! Ya hurt me, ya hurt me real bad." Vin's voice hitched in his throat. "It hurt that ya didn't give me a chance to explain about nothin'. Ya treated me like shit and walked away. Ya never looked back, not once."
Chris's legs threatened to give way as Vin's pain threatened to suffocate him. Feeling for the seat behind him, he collapsed into it and faced up to his lover's pain.
Reaching out, Chris tentatively felt the warm skin of Vin's hand. Closing his eyes, he hoped he would wake and all this would be a nightmare that he had imagined. Holding his breath, Chris felt shaking fingers inch their way to entwine through his own.
"I love you Vin," Chris whispered as he prayed for a miracle.
A tear slipped down Vin's cheek, "I know Chris, I just ain't sure that's enough."
Chris bemoaned his lover's words as well the fading contact of Vin's touch, as the sharpshooter slowly withdrew his hand from his grasp. Unwilling to let him go, Chris tenderly rubbed at the tip of Vin's finger, before his lover severed the connection, leaving the older man holding the emptiness of air.
Even under the dim hospital light, Vin could see Chris's green eyes, beseeching him, begging him to forgive him. A part of Vin cried for Chris; his lover's heart was breaking, he knew that, but also knew his own pain was too raw for him to give in to that pity.
Vin's primary emotions were more vocal inside him, as they screamed for Chris to hurt as much as he was hurting. He wanted to rip his lover's heart out and jump on it, and shout at him, "Now you know it feels."
"I can't do this, Chris," Vin whispered, "I know what ya want--what ya need from me, but I can't do it, not yet."
Chris tried to speak, but his voice died in his throat as his heart broke completely. Clearing his throat the older man nodded his understanding as he gathered enough strength to continue, "Sure pard, I understand." A forced smile appeared, his voice wavering as he stood up and prepared to leave. "I'll just go and get one of the boys to come and sit with you."
Noticing a strand of hair had slipped and now hung over Vin's left eye, Chris automatically reached out to brush it back off the sharpshooter's face. Painfully realizing he no longer had the right to the intimate act, he caught himself and jerked his hand back before he could make contact. "Y--You'll never know," Chris cried as he lost the battle for control, "how much I wish today had never happened." Exhaling, he tried to control himself. "I'm sorry," he apologized, "I'll go now. You just get better, you hear?"
Vin silently watched as Chris walked to the doorway and was surprised to see the older man stop and turn back to his lover.
"I'm looking back Vin. No matter what, I'll always look back. Maybe, in the hope that--one day you'll be looking back at me. Love you Vin."
Any semblance of control was lost as Vin watched his lover leave, "Yeah, Chris, love you too." His voice was barely an audible trace as he turned his head away to stare blankly at the hospital wall.
THE END
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