ofSouth Park
ofATF Alternate Universe
DISCLAIMER: I'm not taking responsibility for any of this!
South Park, Colorado
A large army truck full of unshaven men in military fatigues who are smoking, drinking and shooting guns drives into town.
KYLE: Hey guys, look there's a whole truck full of military guys shooting guns.
STAN: What do you think they're doing here?
KENNY: wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn
STAN: Nah, Kenny, I don't see why they'd cause trouble.
KENNY: wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn
CARTMAN: Well, if they try and cause any trouble, they can kiss - my - ass!
+ + + + + + +
ATF Office, Four Corners, Colorado
CHRIS: Okay team, a bunch of bad guys just rolled into South Park. They have alcohol, tobacco and firearms, so we have to go stop them causing trouble.
EZRA: Alcohol, tobacco and firearms? Well, that sounds like it's within our jurisdiction. Let's go.
The "Magnificent 7" all leave the office.
+ + + + + + +
South Park, Colorado
KYLE: Hey look, another bunch of guys driving into town!
The car stops along the 4 boys and Josiah rolls down his window.
JOSIAH: Hello boys, have you seen any men around with alcohol, tobacco and firearms?
STAN: Well, the local branch of the NRA are having a barbecue down the road.
JOSIAH: No, not them. They all have licences. So that's perfectly legal. Any others?
KYLE: There was a truck full of men like that who drove into town an hour ago.
JOSIAH: Which way did they go?
KENNY: wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn
JOSIAH: Thank you boys. We'll be on our way.
+ + + + + + +
Wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn in South Park, Colorado
LEADER OF BAD MEN WITH GUNS: Okay men, go wild and shoot up the town.
UNDERLING: Are we allowed to kill anyone?
LEADER: Certainly. And do it as gruesomely as possible. I want to see blood everywhere.
They start shooting left, right & centre. Blood flies everywhere and screaming fills the air. Several people lose limbs and even heads.
The ATF car pulls up nearby and the 4 boys follow on foot. The "Magnificent 7" all pile out of the car.
CHRIS: Well, boys. It looks like we've got our work cut out for us.
EZRA: Yes, Mr Larabee. The carnage on display is truly appalling and it appears that all of our most stringent efforts will be required to end the calamity.
JD: Huh?
BUCK: Well, let's stop jabberin' an' do somethin'!
NATHAN: Whoa now, Buck. We don't need y'all runnin' in there an' gettin' y'self shot.
CHRIS: Hang on....
JOSIAH: We need to seek strength from the Lord.
STAN: Oh, if you wait right here, we'll go get him. His TV show finished ten minutes ago.
VIN: We don't have time for that.
KENNY: wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn
EZRA: I could not have said it better myself, young man...
CHRIS: Will you lot just shut up?
NATHAN: We need to stop this now. There's folk out there in dire need of medical care...
VIN: I'm going up to the roof, see if I can get a shot on their leader.
CHRIS: QUIET!!!!!!
KENNY: wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn
CHRIS: Respect my author-a-tay!
He clubs Kenny with a stick. Kenny keels over.
STAN: Oh, my God! You killed Kenny!
KYLE: Bastard!
KENNY: wmmnm mnmnnmm mnnwmnn mnnmmnn
EZRA: It appears that your young friend is not deceased.
STAN: Oh.
CHRIS: Where did Vin go?
KYLE: He's up there on the roof.
Vin is on the roof and with miraculous precision systematically shoots down the bad guys.
STAN: He sure is killing a lot of people.
JOSIAH: That's alright, son. They're all bad people.
Suddenly a shot from below catches Vin. He cries out in pain and topples from the building.
CHRIS: Oh my God! They've killed Vin!
BUCK: Bastards!
Chris pulls his gun and shoots the last of the bad guys (the leader). Vin lands on Kenny who breaks his fall. Chris rushes over to them. Vin has survived but Kenny hasn't.
VIN (opening his eyes slowly and painfully): Chris...?
CHRIS: Take it easy, Cowboy.
STAN: Oh, my God! You killed Kenny!
KYLE: Bastard!
NATHAN: I'm sorry. I should have been able to save him.
CHEF (miraculously appearing from nowhere): Well now boys, times like these we all need to remember what's important in life. (sings) Oh woman, I wanna feel your skin touching mine...
BUCK: Oooh yeah! (he joins Chef in a duet).
CHEF & BUCK (singing): Coz there ain't nothing like the feel of you woman....
STAN: C'mon guys, let's go watch some TV.
Everyone else walks off, leaving Buck and Chef still singing to themselves.
THE END
(Thank God!!!!)