Disclaimer: Not mine.
Comments: Just a little snippet. My way of avoiding a couple of other
stories I don't want to write. <g> Hope a few of you enjoy it. Feedback
is always appreciated. Good, bad or indifferent.
It is the last thing I was dreaming of, I assure you. The very last. It was never supposed to be this way. I was never supposed to feel this way. Not with you. Not here. And not now. But I don't seem to have been consulted in the matter. It just happened. Unexpected. Unwanted. Unrequited.It is the last which I find so ironic. I was the one, after all, who initiated our relationship, for lack of a better word. It never once occurred to me that I would be unable to maintain my distance. To just be friends. Until it happened. Until the lust turned somehow to love. On my part. As far as I can ascertain, your feelings towards me remain unchanged.
You are still an attentive, exquisite lover. Just as you were from the first. But there is no special light in your eyes when you look at me. No love in your touch. There is caring, friendship. Because we are friends. But that is all. You have no idea how much I wish it were otherwise.
I fear that one day I will no longer be able to hide my feelings for you behind a mask of indifference. Already, I can hear the little note of pleading in my voice as I ask you to stay just a bit longer. I can see the desperate joy in my eyes when you seek out my company. I can feel the tenderness radiate from my touch. It's only a matter of time until you notice them as well.
I know what your reaction will be. You are too much the gentleman to run screaming. But the end result will be the same. You are not one to toy with another's feelings. And so you will leave me. And I will no longer have to endure both the ecstasy and the agony of being in your arms. Sometimes I think that might be for the best. But that is during the sunlight hours, when I am surrounded by people and life and warmth. When I can pretend that I am not alone. The nights are another story. Then I know the truth.
You have sought love your whole life in the arms of one woman, and the occasional man, after another. I, on the other hand, have run from it. I have always chosen lovers with that in mind. Ones who would not tempt me to commit more than my body and the most superficial of emotions. The few times I did become involved, it was always someone with whom there was no possibility of a relationship. A romance which was doomed from the start. My way of neatly avoiding the whole issue. Not very brave and noble of me, I'm afraid. But then, I have never claimed to be either.
At first, things were no different with you. It was just a matter of being in your company. And slowly being seduced by that awww shucks grin you've perfected. The easygoing charm which is so much a part of you. And who could fail to notice the blue of your eyes or the breadth of your chest? It would have taken a stronger man than I.
Did you ever think about me before our first night together? I thought of you often. Even before I fell in love. I should have known then. But how could I have?
Would I change things if I could? I have asked myself that same question more than once. Would I, Ezra Standish, have chosen never to have met you, Buck Wilmington? To have remained forever ignorant of how it felt to touch you? To be touched by you?
I do not know. That is my answer. I do not know why I am cursed with this unwanted emotion. I do not know why you seem to have escaped its ravages. I do not know if it is worth the pain I feel. All I know is that right now I am not quite ready to give up hope. The hope that one day you will find the love you so greatly desire. With me.
THE END
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