Vin and Chris ate breakfast silently. Vin drank the cascara tea Chris had sat out without complaining and ate eagerly the soft scrambled eggs Chris had made as a surprise. Chris watched as Vin packed his things and moved toward the corral. Peso was waiting already saddled and ready. Vin nodded Chris his thanks and began tying his pack to his saddle. As Vin was starting to mount, Chris grabbed his arm and turned him around. "Vin, I can't let you go without . . .I can't let you go like this." Chris started to say more but Vin stopped him with a hand to Chris' lips."Chris, I'll never love anyone; anyone, the way I love you. It's just . . .I can't stop seeing that man. Each time you touch me . . . I try to remember what we had . . .the way you made me feel, but then . . . it gets all mixed up. I can't stay here loving you like I do . . . knowing I'm damaged goods. Just like when I was growing up . . .I don't want anyone taking pity on me and giving me stuff cause they feel sorry for me. Thanks for all you've done to help me." Turning quickly toward Peso, he mounted quickly and moved away at a canter. Chris stood helplessly watching the love of his life disappear into the horizon.
After tending to Peso in the livery, Vin placed his possessions back in the wagon and made his way to Nathan's clinic. Walking slowly up the stairs, he was amazed at how much the ride from Chris' shack had taken out of him. Besides his buttocks, his ribs ached from his recent fall and a headache was forming behind his eyes. Opening the door slowly, he peered in. Seeing Nathan working at his bench mixing medicines, he closed the door silently.
Nathan jumped and spilled the herbal mix over the table when he saw Vin standing next to him. Vin's ability to move without notice still amazed Nathan. "Vin you keep doing that and someday my knife will find a part of you by accident." Nathan chuckled and then turned to look fully at Vin. Seeing the drawn and tired look on the tracker, he stood and sat him on the nearest bed. "What have you been doing to yourself? I thought you were staying at Chris'. Please don't tell me you rode Peso into town?"
"Ok, I won't tell you." Vin said in a tired voice. "Chris and I decided it would be best if I came back to town. There ain't no more blood when I go and most the time it don't hurt to much. I just need some more of that nasty tea Chris was feeding me. Hate to admit it, but it does help some." Vin sat back on the bed like the speech had taken all the energy from his body.
Nathan saw the sweat on his face and the dark coloring under his eyes. "Well, as long as you're here, let me take a look at those ribs, ok? I'll get you some of the tea, think I got some brewed already. Why don't you take off your shirt and I'll be right back." Nathan left Vin undressing, and moved back to his bench. Taking the cascara tea from a bottle, he paused and added some White Willow bark to the mixture. Vin was in pain it was plain to Nathan, but he knew the tracker would never admit it. Moving back to the bed, he handed Vin a cup. " Drink this and don't give me no trouble."
Looking at Vin's upper body, Nathan shook his head and began pressing on various spots around the rib cage. He could feel Vin tense and grit his teeth but never made any sound. "You got some new bruises here, Vin. Want to tell me what happened?"
Vin shrugged his shoulders. "Fell off a hammock at Chris'" Really, that's what happened ok? "
Nathan smiled. "Well, not too much damage done, but you still shouldn't have ridden all that way. You look tired. Why don't you lay down here while I finish up and then we'll go to dinner?"
Vin started to protest but was suddenly beginning to feel fuzzy and very sleepy. Yawning deeply, he offered no resistance when Nathan removed the mare's leg and his boots and gently laid him back onto the cot. He was soundly asleep by the time Nathan covered him with a blanket.
It was after dark when Vin was awakened by Nathan. Still groggy, he went through the motions of getting dressed and walking slowly with Nathan to the saloon. Eating a meal of eggs and toast that Nathan ordered, Vin didn't protest but ate slowly while the others talked.
Ezra was trying to explain to Josiah a game of chance he wanted to run at Josiah's Sunday picnic. Josiah was retelling the story of the "moneychangers" to Ezra for the third time. While he keep his story directed to Ezra, he was watching Vin. He could tell by his posture and the way Vin avoided looking anyone in the eyes, that while he was physically healing, he was still deeply lost in his struggle to resolve what had been done to him. Josiah watched as Vin went to the bar and got a bottle. Seeing Nathan start to protest, Josiah laid his arm on him and shook his head. "Let me handle this Nathan. I'll keep an eye on him. If he needs to forget for a while then we need to make sure he's safe while he does it. " Josiah got up and followed Vin out of the saloon.
Josiah sat where he could see Vin's wagon but hopefully not be seen by the young tracker. Suspecting that Vin didn't care who saw him, he watched the boy drink most of the bottle finally falling asleep with his hat and gun still on. Another hour or two passed, Josiah had dozed off but was awakened by the screaming coming from the wagon.
Crossing quickly the ground between them, Josiah climbed in the wagon to see Vin writhing and twisting on the cot. Obviously fighting someone in his drunken dream, Josiah picked the trashing tracker and pulled him down with his head on his lap. Stroking his hair, Josiah started singing softly in his deep voice. Rocking his body to the music he was singing, Josiah soon had Vin sleeping quietly. Grasping onto Josiah's vest with one hand, Vin sighed and mumbled in his sleep. "Chris? Chris, is that you? " Josiah continued to rock the young man as a plan began to form in his head.
The next day Vin awoke in his wagon well past noon. Looking down he found the almost empty bottle and lifted it, drinking the rest. Gagging, Vin fought to keep the whisky down. When he was sure he wouldn't throw up, Vin made his way out of the wagon and crossed toward the saloon.
"Hey, Vin!" JD bounced down the stairs, pounding on Vin's shoulder with his fist. "Great to see you up!" When he saw Vin wince from JD"s touch, JD backed off and apologized. "Gosh, I'm sorry Vin. Forgot about your ribs. Wanna join me for lunch? Buck and Ezra are out on patrol and Josiah's gone out to the Indian reservation. Leaves me and you to watch the town. Come on. Inez has some great tortillas. Red hot and spicy." Vin just stared at JD as he rambled on. Moving away from JD, he stepped up the stairs to the saloon and went inside. JD followed him but when Vin grabbed a bottle from the bar and moved to a side table, JD ate alone watching him.
As dusk set, Vin made his way carefully down the steps leading away from the saloon. He had waited all day in the saloon hoping that Chris would come in so he could at least see him. While he was awake, Chris was all he thought of. Sleeping let his mind dream of things he wanted to forget. Drinking and sleeping, he may have dreams but at least he didn't remember them.
The others, with advice from Nathan and Josiah, had kept their distance from Vin but watched him carefully. Taking turns, they made sure the tracker was always insight of one of them and staying out of harm's way.
Approaching his wagon, Vin drunkenly hung on to the ragged hide covering it as he started to pull himself inside. Before he could make it all the way inside, he felt a strong hand on his shoulder pulling him backwards. "Hey! Let go! Leave me be!" The hands that picked him up ignored his pleas. Josiah lifted the young tracker effortlessly and placed him in front of his lover. Chris placed his arms across Vin's chest and held him while Josiah mounted his horse. Together they rode off toward Chanu's reservation.
TWELVE
Checking Vin frequently as they rode, Chris was taken at how young Vin looked. His face softened by exhaustion and alcohol, he looked to be only a couple years older than JD. Chris had often questioned him, but never gotten a straight answer. Chris figured Vin really didn't know his true age either and tried to hide it with his front of independent tracker and bounty hunter. Chris knew how deadly Vin could be but he also knew the side of Vin no one else knew. Tenderness and compassion were as much of Vin Tanner as was his buffalo jacket and mare's leg. Chris hoped bringing him here to Chanu and Kojay would give him back the man/ boy he loved.At the edge of the village, they met Chanu and the medicine man, Wind Healer. Chanu looked at Vin and offered up his arms. Chris slide Vin off his horse into Chanu's grasp. "Take good care of him, Chanu. He's been through a lot." Chris looked at Wind Healer and saw the compassion in the old man's eyes.
"My brother will be safe here. The spirits will help him find his cure. I will come for you when Wind Healer needs you. " Chanu turned dismissing Chris and moved with Vin toward his tent.
"I thought we were going to stay? Josiah, I don't want to leave him alone here." Chris was torn. He felt a failure that he had not been able to cure Vin himself and was unfamiliar with Indian cures and spirit ways.
"The boy needs to be away from all that might distract him until he is ready. When he finds himself, he will find you." Wind Healer spoke and turned to follow Chanu.
"Come on, Chris. Let's get back to town. Nothing more we can do here, but pray he can find his way with their help. " Josiah urged his horse forward and moved back towards Four Corners. Chris lingered watching Chanu disappear into his tent with Vin. Silently he called to Vin "Remember I love you. I'm waiting for you to come home to me." Turning he joined Josiah.
Vin felt the silky fur next to his face and smelt the familiar odor of bear around him. Opening his eyes, he looked up and saw Chanu sitting next to him. An attempt to raise his head made him dizzy and sick to his stomach, so he decided to put it back down. Chanu continued to look at him without speaking, so Vin finally broke the silence. "Wanna tell me how I got here?"
"How you got here is not important, brother. The spirits have called you here and that is what is important. " Chanu gestured to some food next to Vin. "If you are hungry, there is food for you. " Vin ignored the food and drifted back to sleep.
The next time he opened his eyes, Chanu was gone and an old man sat across from him. "Who are you? Wait, I remember . . . Wind Healer, right? The medicine man. " Wind Healer just looked at him. Vin mumbled "Don't need no medicine man."
"Your friends felt you would be safer here." The old man continued to study Vin as Vin struggled to sit up.
"Yeah, my so-called friends kidnaped me! " Vin fought the dizziness of a hangover, as he tried to work out what was happening to him. "So, you got some special Indian cure planned for me? " Vin's head was pounding; he brought his hand up to try and rub away the pain that throbbed at his temples.
"Young tracker, I have no cure for what ails you." The healer spoke softly.
"Then what am I doing here? " Vin tried to rise up but fell backwards landing on his bruised ribs. Moaning, he curled on his side and was silent.
"I cannot heal what haunts your spirit. But I can show you the way to heal yourself. You must learn to love yourself again so you can have space to let in those you love you. " Wind Healer spoke the words like music and they flowed over Vin.
"Don't no one love me anymore!" Vin said into his arms.
Wind Healer didn't reply but continued to look at Vin.
"What? You gonna stare me into a cure?" Vin spit the words at the old man.
After a moment, Wind Healer said. "I am waiting for you to tell me when you ready. But while you decide, we need to go to the warm springs to begin to purge your body of the poisons you have been feeding it." Wind Healer stood.
Vin didn't move but looked at the healer. "Are you saying I stink?"
"No, I am saying the time we are to spend together might be more pleasant for both of us if you spend some time at the springs." Wind Healer held out a pair of soft buckskins pants and a shirt for Vin.
Sighing, he recognized that he could not win this battle. Standing he took the clothing and stormed out of the tent, heading for the hot springs. At least a soak would get him away from the old man, Vin thought. Vin didn't want to deal with what he knew the healer had in mind. He almost stopped and started out of the village, but he saw Chris' face in his head. A deep ache filled his chest and he turned back to the springs, perhaps these spirits could help him.
Easing his racked body into the hot muddy spring water, Vin leaned back and closed his eyes. The heat of the spring helped ease the ache in his neck and shoulders and the sweat started to pour off him. He didn't know how long he had been in the mud, but the sun was starting to set when he felt a presence beside him. Wind Healer was standing on the edge of the pool, gesturing to Vin to follow him. Pulling himself from the muddy sludge, Vin saw his clothes were gone. Looking around he saw no one else and naked he marched off after the healer.
Waiting in the pool next to a waterfall, the old man stood waist deep in the crystal water. Gesturing to Vin, he waited quietly until the tracker joined him. Vin stood facing him with his arms crossed over his chest. Wind Healer placed his hands on Vin's shoulders and said. "Young tracker, you have nothing to fear here. This is a place of safety for you. " Staring straight into Vin's eyes, he waited until he saw Vin's resistance disappear. Turning Vin around, he began to cleanse Vin of the mud that still clung to his body. Handing the cloth to Vin, the healer turned and walked out of the water. Looking at Vin, he said. "You know where to find me when you are ready."
Vin stood holding the muddy cloth in his hands. His eyes followed the healer as he made his way away from the pond. Throwing the cloth in the water, Vin staggered over to the rocks at the side of the pond." Damn," Vin thought. " I don't want to go through this. " He felt the tears forming as he remembered Esau had how he had brutalized him. The physical pain was all but gone, but every time he closed his eyes, the man's face leered at him. Now this old man was going to make him relieve that moment another time. "I ain't gonna do it. I can't do it!" Vin screamed to the trees that held the pond in privacy. Feeling his knees give way, he ended up sitting chest high in the water. Shivering despite the warmth of the water, Vin silently finished washing his hair and body. Wrapping the blanket around him, picked up his clothing and walked in defeat to the healer's tent.
Smoke was climbing out the top of the healer's tent as Vin approached. Pulling back the hide door, he peered inside and saw the old man sitting on the other side of the fire. In front of him were various bowls and jars, and he had painted his face with red and yellow markings. His eyes closed he continued to chant softly as Vin stood in the door. Not knowing what else to do Vin stepped inside and let the deerhide close silently behind him.
Standing naked wrapped in a blanket was making Vin uneasy so he finally moved and sat across the fire from the healer. The heat of the fire was making Vin warm so he pulled free of the blanket and let only the end of it trail across his groin. The headache was still with him and along with not having eaten since breakfast, Vin began to feel dizzy.
Breathing deeply to try and clear his head, he took in a healthy draft of the things the old man had simmering on the fire. The scent was strong and instead of making him clear headed, increased the dizziness Vin felt. A second and third breath had him so unsteady that he lay down next to the fire and closed his eyes. He dozed listening to the chanting and breathing in the fumes from the fire.
Soft fingers massaged his temples. An oil was being smoothed into the areas where the pain still burned. Vin felt the fire of his headache fading with each stroke of the fingers on his skin. The skin where the oil had been rubbed was sensitive. Not painful like before but it seemed to Vin that he could feel each pore breathe on it's own.
Putting his hand up to touch his forehead, he felt oil being poured into the palm of his hand. "Your body thirsts for refreshment and freedom from the pain that has held it. Begin to heal yourself by cleansing your skin with this oil. When you are done, you will sleep. Do it slowly so your body remembers how it once was to be touched and cherished." Wind Healer rose and left Vin alone by the fire.
Vin turned over on his back and stared at his hands now covered with the oil. He watched as a drop slowly crept downward along the outside of his thumb. Bringing his hand down, he licked the oil from his thumb slowly. There was a sweetness to the oil but he could feel his tongue tingle where it had touched the inside of his mouth. Closing his eyes, he tried to remember where he had felt that touch before.
His hands felt alive and he reached for more oil, his headache now gone. Continuing to stroke his tongue on the inside of his teeth, Vin dribbled the oil on his chest and began to spread it around.
His fingers traced his collarbone and throat as his skin drank in the sweet oil. Running his thumb along side his jawbone, he found his own pulse and circled that area with his finger, working the oil in rhythm with his own heartbeat.
His other hand worked it's way down his sternum and he traced the healing cuts made by his attackers. The oil stung a little, but soon began to warm & soften the scabs that remained. It felt so good, that Vin repeated the slow tracing of his wounds on each side of his chest. He found if he let his fingernails rack his skin lightly, a softening feeling began in his stomach. Vin tried to remember again why this feeling too was so familiar and comforting, but was unable to put anything together.
Reaching for more oil, Vin found himself staring into the fire. He stared intently into it, his mind suddenly full of a house burning and blackened smoke. Before the terror could rise in his throat, a figure appeared in the flames. A long, lean man covered in darkness. The figure kneeling beside him. The figure releasing the bonds that held him. The figure taking his pain away. The man had no face and Vin squinted to try and see, but failed. Sighing, he covered his hands in more oil and returned to applying it to his skin.
He let the oil drip from his fingertips down the soft hairs leading to his navel. Letting it pool there, he began to work it outward. Adding another hand he let his thumbs slide along his hipbones and was soon making tiny circles near his lower back.
Moaning with the pleasure and relief from the pain that was always there, Vin let his hands move along his buttocks and massage his thighs. Bending his knees, he lifted his hips and continued rubbing the back of his thighs with the oil, working the stiffness from the muscle. When his legs started to cramp, Vin sat up and eagerly worked the oil into his calves.
Every part of his body where the oil had touched felt alive. Vin felt he was going crazy with the intensity of the feelings his body was giving him. As he worked the oil into his feet, he suddenly longed for someone to touch his back with oiled hands. He again tried to remember why he knew that would feel so good. Giving up, he fell back and rested his head on the soft bearskin rug.
As he lay quietly he felt a pulsing begin deep in his belly. Bringing his hand to his neck, he again felt it in time with his pulse. A pressure started to build in his groin and Vin forced himself to ignore it, trying to focus on other things. Shaking his head, he felt the pulsing in the small of his back. Shutting his eyes tightly, he again worked to push the feeling away. Letting out a breath, Vin cried softly and felt his hands move toward his groin.
With his eyes still shut, Vin let his fingers move along the crease in his groin. He felt the heat of his penis as it lay between his thighs. Reaching with one hand for more oil, Vin rubbed it slowly into his pubic hair, feeling his shaft start to harden. An ache began to stir between his buttocks and Vin instinctively tightened them hoping to push the feeling away.
The feelings the oil and his hands were creating made sweat begin to form on Vin's body. Added to the oil, the sweat mingled and trickled into places Vin's hands could or did not reach. Vin felt the mixture rim his anus. He gritted his teeth and ground his buttocks into the rug, trying to stop the pulsing heat the oil was creating there. Reaching between his legs, he tried to pull his balls up to ease the intensity of the pressure. His hand brushed his semi-erect penis accidentally, and Vin felt an electric jolt surge up his groin.
"Ah, ah . . . geez . . . " Vin moaned as he rolled on his side clutching his balls between his thighs, his hand around his penis. His oiled hand continued to move and tighten on his organ as the other hand found it's way to the small of his back. Starting a stroking motion along his spine, Vin matched it with a similar movement along his shaft.
Vin felt his buttocks parting and his balls enlarge between his thighs. Lifting his upper leg and moving it forward, Vin let his hand work it's way down behind him. The movement of his leg exposed his anus and balls and Vin moaned as he let his fingers move and stroke the area.
There was no fear, no terror, only warm pleasurable pulsing that continued to spread deeper and wider as Vin worked his shaft. Rolling over on his back, Vin lifted his hips allowing himself better access to his balls. Leaning himself up against a pile of blankets, Vin began working his penis intently. His other hand reached down and cupped his balls, rolling and gently squeezing them, relishing the fire it created between his thighs.
Vin could sense a familiar warmth and excitement beginning down near his spine. Again he tired to fix it in his mind, but was soon lost in the feelings his hand was creating between his thighs. Aching for relief, Vin grasped the base of his penis with one hand and began increasing the rhythm of his stroke with the other. Tightening a ring with his fingers around his shaft, he pressed causing momentary pain before the fire around his groin intensified. "Oh, so good . . . my . . . uhh . . . uh . . . " Vin moaned as his shaft pushed hard out of his groin and pressed against his stomach.
He felt liquid trickle out of his slit, and he moved his hand to run his thumb over it spreading the pre-cum collected there. That small movement made the shaft in his hand jump and he felt the fire begin to move up his spine from his balls.
"God! Yes, yes . . .oh, no . . .more . . .please . . . I need this . . .please . . . " Vin's pleas were joined by the hot spurting of his seed across his chest and he rolled side to side trying to pull more sperm from his body . . .more pleasure from his movements. "Yes, yes, yes, " Vin chanted to himself as the hot liquid continued to squirt from his penis. "Chris, Chris, Chris." The words from his mouth changed to match the memories in Vin's mind. The darkened figure's face became fashioned with blonde hair and striking green eyes . . .the warm figure in whose arms he found safety was his Chris. His body remembered now and his mind was willing to forget. Holding his softened penis in his hand, Vin slept and did not dream.