I thought things would go back to the way they were. They way they used to be before that bitch Ella came to town and made me question everything I believed in. Everything I was. But it didn't. I was a fool to think it would. Listening to your best friend moan beneath you as you fuck him half blind has a tendency to change things. Whether you want it to or not.Because now, when I look at him sometimes, I remember the feel of his body, the taste of his skin. And I wonder if he remembers those same things about me. And no matter what the answer, I can't accept it. Won't accept it. Goddammit. I never thought the day would come when I'd be ashamed to look Vin in the eye. It was just that one time. Doesn't make either one of us a queer.
The very notion makes me sick. I was married. To the most wonderful woman on Heaven or Earth. There ain't no way I could ever want another woman, let alone a man, like that. So every time I have those unnatural thoughts about Vin, I hate him a little bit more. And hate myself even worse.
I see him looking at me sometimes. Like he wants to say something. That's when I usually remember some bit of business that needs doing. Something that will get me away from him for a while. Sometimes, usually when I've had too much whiskey, I'll just look back at him, daring him to say it. So far he hasn't. He just shakes his head and stares at me, anger and disappointment in his blue eyes. I'm real careful not to look too close though. Afraid of what else I might see.
Some things are still the same. I'd still trust him at my back before anyone else. We're still friends. But I don't know how long that will last. There's things between us now. Things that shouldn't be. And we both know it, I think. Because lately Vin's been making noises about riding on. The town is pretty settled now. It don't take seven men to guard it anymore.
He hasn't made any move to leave yet. So far it's just talk. But that'll change. And I know one more thing that's changed. This time, when he rides to Tascosa, I won't be going with him.
THE END