I didn't know. Hell, maybe I didn't want to know. Things were good. I had friends. A place to call home. A job that was honorable, if sometimes a pain in the ass. And I had a lover. Someone who not only warmed my bed, but someone who would guard my back at the same time. Aint much more a man could ask for. I could ask for. Least not 'til I got my name cleared. I had a whole bunch of plans for what would happen then. Plans that were only so much hot air, I've since found.I should've known things wouldn't be that simple, though. Never are. And you'd think, with the Tanner luck being what it is, that I would've figured it out a whole lot sooner. But I didn't. Not til he said somethin' about the future a few weeks back. Our future. Together. He said it real casual. Like it was writ in stone. Already decided. Aint nothin' sets my back up faster than people tryin' to order my life. So like a damn fool, I had to go and challenge him. Ask him what the hell he was talkin' about. He just looked at me.
"I'm talkin' about us. Our plans. There aint always going to be a need for seven lawmen in this town, Vin." Chris had spoke patiently enough, but I could hear the underlying irritation in his voice. Don't take much to get a rise out of our leader's temper.
"I know that, Chris. I'm askin' why you're plannin' my future." I had a sick feelin' in the pit of my stomach. I hoped to hell I was wrong about where I thought this was all leadin'. Please let Chris just drop it. Laugh it off. Whatever. I just wanted things to stay the way they were. But I still had to ask the question, even as I cursed myself for bein' the biggest damn fool in the territory.
"Your future. My future. Thought they were looking like the same thing, cowboy." His voice was quiet. Guarded. Like I'd heard it with other people. But never with me up til then. Now it sounds like that pretty near all the time. Especially with me.
"We can't know that. Only borrowin' trouble to make plans. Hell, I might get run over by a wagon tomorrow." I tried to make a joke out of it. But it fell flatter than a pancake. Those green eyes hadn't been amused. Not in the least.
"You trying to tell me something, Vin?" Chris' voice was calm. Even. That's when you know he's mad. Or tryin' to hide somethin'. His feelings, usually.
"Just that...I don't..." I was tempted to take the coward's way out. Tell him what I thought he wanted to hear. But I'd never lied to him. And I'd never made any promises. I clutched at that straw like a drownin' man.
"You don't...what?" he'd prompted.
"I don't see us havin' a future together. Not like you're talkin' about. It...it aint what I want." I tried to keep my voice steady, but damn if it wasn't the hardest thing I'd ever done.
"I see." He'd pushed back his chair and looked down at me for a moment.
"I have some business that needs my attention. I'd best be going." He turned and started walking towards the door without sayin' another word.
I didn't know what to do. What to think. So I called his name, not really expecting him to turn around. But he did. He was lookin' at me politely. Like you'd look at a stranger. It hurt. More than I'd expected. But since I'd already stuck one foot in it, I figured I might as well put the other to some use, too.
"See you tonight?" I tried to convey all my feelings in that one question. Tried to let him know that I did care. Just not exactly the way he apparently wanted. I mean it aint like we spent our time talkin' about love when we were together. We got hot and sweaty and had ourselves a good time. Or so I thought. I should've known. I should've known.
"Sure, Vin. Tonight." There was an expression I'd never seen before on his face. One I couldn't quite figure. But his voice sounded ok. So I thought maybe I'd been wrong about everything. Maybe he was just as happy to keep things like they were as he would have been the other way. With us together for the long haul. And maybe, like me, he figured we'd always be friends. That we would eventually come to a parting of the ways, find someone we wanted to settle down with and then we'd just go back to being the way we were before his time in Jericho. I managed to convince myself of that. Because I didn't want to know the truth.
I went to him that night. And he kissed me. Just like always. Ran his cool hands over my heated flesh. Just like always. Took me fiercely, gently, every which way. Just like always. Even let me take him. But it wasn't like always. Something was missin'. I just didn't know what it was. But then, I'm findin' out there's a whole hell of a lot I didn't know. Don't know.
I keep thinkin' about the way it started. The way he turned to me after waking up from a nightmare and pulled me close. Buried his face in my neck. Ran his hands down my back. And finally pressed his lips against mine. I figured he needed comfort and there wasn't no one else available. Figured a hellraiser like he'd been had tried just about everything once. Twice if he liked it. Figured there was no harm in two friends sharing comfort. And it was good between us. Better than good. So I went to him a few days later. And pretty soon it was damn near every night. So what changed? When did it change? I don't know. It didn't change on my part. Not til it was too late.
On the surface of things, nothing had changed. At least not right away. Me and Chris still had some of the best damn sex in the territory. Even if it wasn't quite like I remembered it being. Or as often. We still watched each other's backs. But somehow, it wasn't the same. He started spendin' a lot of time with Ezra, of all people. I wasn't sure why that bothered me. I just knew it did. But I let it go. Told myself I should be relieved that Chris had apparently recovered from whatever emotional upset I'd caused.
And I was relieved. Mostly. But then I saw Chris comin' from the southerner's room early one morning and I saw red. Chris had told me he was tired. Lyin' son of a bitch. If he didn't want me then all he had to do was say so. Wasn't like I'd be heartbroke or nothin'. But he could've told me. I reminded myself that he hadn't made any promises, either. Not directly, anyway. So I didn't say anything. Maybe it wasn't what I'd thought. But then it happened again. And again. I couldn't think of any other reason he'd be spendin' so much time in Ezra's rooms unless it was for the obvious. But he still hadn't said nothin' to me about it. So I got good and mad.
Chris was just doin' this to punish me. For not lovin' him like he wanted. The bastard may not have said anything more, but I could see it in his eyes sometimes still. When he thought I wasn't lookin'. Well, you couldn't force someone to love you. I was sorry I couldn't give him what he wanted but he didn't have no call to blame me for it. I decided that sauce for the goose was sauce for the gander. So I took up with the first pretty gal that was willin' and able.
Chris raised his eyebrows the first time he saw me with her. But he didn't say nothin'. Just tipped his hat in our direction and walked over to where Ezra sat with Josiah and Nathan. And he still took me into his bed that night when I came knockin' at his door. I didn't know why, but his lack of reaction infuriated me. I wanted to make those green eyes blaze with anger. Wanted to hear his voice drop to a deadly whisper. Wanted to hurt him. Wanted him to try and hurt me. But Chris just continued to ignore me. Except when he was fucking me. I began to hate him. To hate us.
And then Jonas came to town. A man I hadn't seen in twelve years. A man I'd sworn an oath to. Because I owed him my life. More than my life. But Jonas wasn't the man I remembered. He'd changed. And not for the better. But I still had to do it. Had to break him out of that prison. It didn't matter that he'd committed murder. I'd sworn an oath. In blood.
I didn't know then that some things are more important than honor. More important than keeping your word. Things like your friends' lives. I wouldn't learn that lesson til it was too late. The sight of JD's blood, caused by a bullet from my gun wasn't something I'd ever forget. Neither was the look of betrayal on his face. But I'd made my choice. And I was gonna stick to it. So Jonas and I had ridden off. Leaving everything behind.
I should've known Chris would come after us. He had his own code of honor. One that was proving to be far more worthy than my own. But I clung tight to the tattered remnants of mine. Stubbornly. Proudly. There was too much unsaid between Chris and me. We no longer seemed to speak the same language. If only I could've changed things, I would have. Except, by that point, I wouldn't have known where to begin.
I saw him tighten his finger on the trigger and I knew what I had to do. I watched as my bullet entered his flesh and stood there silently while his bullet thudded into a cactus three feet to my left. Then I knew. I knew everything. And now that I know, it's too late. Too damn late for anything.
I'd been too stupid to recognize love when I felt it. But then, I'd never been in love with anyone quite that way before. In my mind, it was friendship I felt. Didn't want to feel anything more. Too complicated. Too frightening. And I'd rejected the love that had been offered to me. Because I hadn't been wrong. That had been what I'd seen in the gunslinger's eyes. What I'd heard in his voice. Until I'd managed to twist it. Turn it into something that was all tangled up with hate and anger. And I'd strangled my own feelings. Til they were black and ugly and half dead. Hardly recognizable as love at all.
I looked at Jonas, who was still laying where I'd left him, delirious with fever from the bullet he'd taken during our escape. It was why Chris had caught up with us so easy. Why I hesitated now. If I were dead, then this had all been for nothing. Because Jonas would die too. But it had all been for nothing anyway, hadn't it?
There are still five bullets left in my gun. One guess what I'm going to do with them.
THE END
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